Post 149: Pressing On, Part 2

I think I titled another post "Pressing On" but since I'm too lazy to look it up, I decided to just be safe and add the Part 2. Not that you care really but I always cover my bases - well, most of the time. :-)

I didn't get that job but I'm so at peace with it. And what's more is that she actually called me at home to explain why I didn't get it. I was one of the top two but the other gal already worked in the company so it would be a quicker transition. However, I went ahead and e-mailed her back and thanked her for both messages. She then e-mails me back again and lets me know about another job opening up in the same department that I would be great for and that she's already told them to look for my application. Who knows if this other job is meant for me but I made a good contact and know that this company is a great one to work for, if I can get work there.

I feel much, much better today because of all this. I have a confidence that I've never had before; I know that I've said that recently but it still surprises me. I have always lived in insecurity and masked it with my outgoing personality. Though I know I will still struggle with it at times, I know that it will get easier and easier to be confident at times that the world is trying to beat me down, into submission. Satan won't win the battle next time; and he's already lost the war so my strength will continue to grow from here on out.

God is so good. Even when I have times like this that I see myself as a failure in comparison to the people around me (my friends, family, coworkers), I have the ability to get past it quicker. I may not have certain things and may have some issues that still need serious work but I'm not in denial anymore and I believe I can get out of it.

Last night at probably my last small group, I opened up about my denial. It was in reference to a friend saying that we should throw a party for me sicne I'd be leaving the group. I shouted out, "No. Don't do that!" Then explained that Tiffany finally realizes that I am a bit high maintenance in some ways and that I can be somewhat of a princess. I said, "I'm finally out of denial about that and throwing me a party, while I'll admit that I'd be all for it, it probably isn't a good idea because Tiffany needs to finally realize that the world doesn't revolve around what she likes or dislikes." Okay, so I've kind of taken to talking about myself in 3rd person; I need to work on that. Still, I know that I can be certain ways and I'm not trying to rationalize it anymore. On the other hand, some of it is okay to keep because it makes me who I am and one of our Bible study leaders has told me in confidence that sometimes the group really needs someone like me to liven it up and put some issues in perspective - a perspective that sometimes I'm the only one that sees.

But the important thing is that my confidence is growing in a way that is good. I believe I can do things now that I didn't before. I believe when people tell me something good about myself that it's true now; that it isn't them trying to be nice or wanting something from me. It's a compliment and I accept it graciously now. And I need to give up the idea that everyone around me is better than me; no one is better than anybody. I have the same gifts as some people that I know but that doesn't mean theirs is better than mine. For example, I have a friend who is a lovely, lovely writer. I've gotten jealous at times of her gift; it's the same one that I have to seems to be so much better. But, you know what? It isn't. She writes in ways that I adore and are so lovely but that doesn't mean that my gift for writing is lesser - it's just different. Like my little poems to my friends wouldn't probably win any major awards but they are touching and understandable. They are personal and none of my friends like or want to write like that; or have anybody else that would write like that for him. In fact, while writing a poem for my friend who just moved into a new apartment (I hope she doesn't read this today; I'm not going to give it to her until Saturday), I came up with an idea for a poem-like series called "The Welcome Home series." Her's is personal to her and her struggle to feel at home and at peace somewhere that college students didn't play cornhole until 2 a.m. in the morning, cussing all the while. I'm working on a second one, too. It's turning out quite funny, if I do say so myself. Maybe one day I'll be able to sell them. In the time that I've written on this blog, I've come up with three more ideas for the series. So, though I think my friends gift is so amazing, it doesn't mean that mine is less so. Even if I never get published, writing will always be a part of me and something that I can share with my friends, family and other loved ones.

I'm pressing on as Paul encouraged in a lot of his writings in the New Testament. I'm pressing on in ways that I never thought possible - and that's exciting. :-)