Post 147: I made it...

...through the weekend and that's a good sign for me. It wasn't as if I had this jam-packed weekend; it was the other way around. Besides Friday night, I had really nothing to do. I hate that. There were things that people were doing but I couldn't do them (going to see "Lady in the Water" and going to brunch Sunday). I started to feel very left out. I know, I know - maybe I am a little high maintenance. But, seriously, I try hard not to let anyone ever feel left out of all the plans that I make - if for some reason, I can't make everyone happy, I try to do something to rectify it. I just think that I'm starting to see the differences I have with some of my friends - they are big differences. It's not like they are small or unimportant. They are important and that's what's scaring me. I know that people grow and change but I kinda hoped that this wouldn't have happened with certain friendships. This weekend made me feel like I am the odd one out. I don't like the same type of movies, I can't afford to do anything with my girlfriends nd no one calls me anymore (minus my new friend, we talk just about everyday). I kind of feel like everyone is growing away from me; or is it that I'm growing away from them? I'm not sure yet.

I confided in a friend last night that this is the longest I've had super close friends - 6 years. Minus my two friends in CA, I've never had a group of friends last this long - and never in such deep relationships. I told my friend that I think I was experiencing the ups and downs that normally happen in relationships - the close times and the not-so-close times. A good friend of mine and I have not been as close as we have in the past. We used to really depend on each other a lot and did a lot together. Now that we have a larger circle of friends (and two friends in particular), I think we have grown apart quite a bit. It's not that we don't like each other or don't know about each other but we tend to do things with our other friends instead of each other. It's been kind of difficult for me because this other friend of hers is more like her so they do more together. I know that that is a good thing but it's still hard to accept. And though my new friend and I are a lot more alike in some ways, too, it's still hard to let go of that other relationship - or at least loosen my grip. This is all new to me - I know that. I know that I have to learn this stuff and how relationships change and people change and sometimes grow in different ways. Knowing that all this is normal still doesn't make it any easier. But I know that as I grow in this knowledge of relationships that I'll be a better person - wiser, stronger, more adaptable and understanding.

And I am growing a lot right now - yes, I feel like I'm also in a state of perpetual confusion - but I know that it is growth. I am growing in many things: relationships, career choices, biblical and spiritual issues, and, most importantly, accepting myself for who I am. I can't be ashamed of who I am, how I am or who I am becoming. In fact, yesterday in Sunday school class, I answered a question so honestly. We had just finished watching a video message from Rob Bell (he's fantastic - you really must check out his stuff) when our discussion leader asked if there was anything that jumped out at us. I immediately opened my mouth and read back this line, "'The people we are becoming is what matters.' That just woke me up." I explained that all of this material stuff, all the problems I have with money and not having a career and not being able to fix my AC in my car or get my car repainted, I was beginning to learn, wasn't what defined me. And I started to really believe that; really sink my teeth into the belief that my job and the things that I had were supposed to define me. They don't; the person I am defines me.

That doesn't mean that I don't need a job (I really, really do and soon; hopefully one of the two I've interviewed for will be the answer) but it doesn't have to define me. The roof of my car needs to be repainted and my AC fixed but do they really need that? No - as long as my car runs and gets me from point A to point B, that's all that matters. Do I want to have them fixed? Of course! But it isn't realistic right now and in the grand scheme of things, it isn't important. Do I want to be able to re-sell my car in great condition? Yes. But that's something that I can't even think about right now because it's not close to the most important thing going on in my life. However, I was letting it add to my stress and my desire to have an item that was socially appealing: a car that looked nice and people would think of as a status symbol. Who cares? It's a car! And my AC? I roll my windows down. It's nice to breathe fresh air and I rarely do it. So, my AC can wait, too. It isn't necessary at the moment; and by it not working, it isn't affecting other areas of my car. If it does, then it's a definite need to be fixed but right now it's fine. I was letting my car add to my desire to have status amongst my friends and neighbors.

So, no matter what job I have next - marketing assistant, manager of movie theatre, administrative assistant at IU - it doesn't define my person. How I do my job, who I am before and after it and what I do with my free time and extra money, is what defines me. I also said that though some of my friends may want me to shut up about stuff sometimes, that they don't because they know me enough to know that I have to work things out out loud or by writing on this blog or in a journal at home. I mean, sometimes I even annoy myself! (my friend laughed on the phone when I was relaying all this to her; she couldn't make it to church because of her work schedule so I was filling her in). It's true, though. I seriously annoy myself sometimes but I know that I have to have patience with myself if I'm ever going to get closer to getting out of this tunnel.

I'm also learning that my generation is a little closed. Me, being the obviously open person that I am, is finally struggling with that. I can't really be so closed-lipped about some things anymore. Like why do certain friends of mine not talk about relationships between men and women? It's like a forbidden topic. We're all in our 30's/40's or close to it; we shouldn't be afraid to discuss stuff like adults. It's not like we need to tell each other our deep, dark secrets but we should be able to talk about general topics relating to it. Otherwise, how are we to grow to understanding the opposite sex and getting closer to knowing what type of man (or woman, in the guys case) we are really and truly looking for? I mean, we're all friends. It's not like we're dating each other or want to (ok, ok - so there was a time, albeit recently, that I would've gone out with that friend but I've let go of that and found that he probalby wouldn't make me happy; and I know that I'd be too much for him anyway - it doesn't mean that I don't find him attractive anymore - he is and always will be a hottie). But we can't even bring it up; no one wants to participate in that conversation. That's what is holding me back. People won't open up and talk about it. I don't want to be 40 and afraid of intimacy. I have friends who are there and they are 30 or closing in on 40. I'm not going to force the issue but I'm not going to shy away from conversations anymore relating to this "forbidden" topic. I'm sure they won't come up when I'm interacting with certain friends of mine but they definitely will in other relationships/friendships; and this time, I'm going to be part of it instead of an innocent bystander.

Relationships are hard. And if we don't take them seriously or never talk about them, then we won't grow and know how to handle them in the future. I know I have a lot to learn; but I'm finally ready to learn it.

Anyway, by the time I went to bed last night, I started to feel better. Did I still wish that I could've gone to the movie or to brunch? Yes. But I can't control what others like and what I don't. I have to be realistic that there are going to be a lot of times now when I have to stay home because I can't afford to go out or because I can't go to the movie that everyone wants to go to. But I am resolved even more that if I do something or plan something that I don't leave anyone out; and if they really can't come that I try to do something with them later. I guess I'm just too sensitive for an all weekend scary movie session. I think what really made me upset was that I had allocated to go to the movies this weekend but couldn't go because of the movie chosen. But I saw the blessing of spending time with friends Friday night so I got over my little tantrum and let it go. So I learned that I really don't like to be left out - at all - but that sometimes its necessary and I have to get over it. I used that money that I had allocated to go to a movie to buy one that I really wanted so I watched that instead; and now I have something that I'll get more use out and that's a much better investment than going to the movie theatre. :-)

So though I acted a bit childish, I learned from it and moved on. That's huge progress for me. :-)