34 days and counting... :-)
I'm getting more and more excited. But I'm trying to keep it in check. I promised my friends that the only thing I would talk about concerning my birthday is to do this countdown. I left all the plans up to them. I even told them that I trusted them with everything. That's a big thing for me - not the general trusting part. It's the trusting that everyone will have fun at my birthday part. I always end up planning my own birthdays because no one else seems to want to; and that way, I do exactly what I want. But this year, I'm giving up control and "trusting" someone else to plan it for me. Two of my friends are taking on the challenge and I trust these two completely with the task. It's just getting harder and harder for me to not know what the progress is and all the details. But I also want to be surprised and want them to have confidence that I do trust them...so I'm just going to keep myself in check and resist my desire to ask them about it. I can do it but prayer would help because I am seriously getting really excited. :-)
2.14.2006
I have a date...
...with the Sandman. You know how I was all complaining about not having a date for Valentine's? Well, that is so last season. I just want to sleep...sleep, sleep, sleep. I'm exhausted. My eyes feel like they are bowling balls (thank goodness for Mary Kay's Indulge Soothing Eye Mask! Otherwise, I'd look like a raccoon who met the varmit's version of Rocky).
Seriously, I'm tired!
And, of course, everyone around me is sick. I mean, sick, sick. One person I know who is highly contagious (she has three forms of illness - all at once) is still periodically getting around people and infecting them. But, thank goodness, she finally realizes that's she's ill and needs to stay in bed. She needs to get better - a lot better -before she comes back to work. Otherwise, it won't be long before she is sick again. And she needs to be well. There is so much going on right now and I know she's upset that she's missing it. Still, it's better to get really well than to repeat the process all over again.
So, I have a date with my pillow at 8 p.m. - yes, 8 p.m. I have two lessons at the studio and then I'm going straight home. I should be home no later than 8 p.m. And I'll be asleep shortly after - I'll take one Tylenol PM just to make sure I fall asleep right away and stay asleep until 7:30 a.m. Wednesday, Feb. 15. :-)
Seriously, I'm tired!
And, of course, everyone around me is sick. I mean, sick, sick. One person I know who is highly contagious (she has three forms of illness - all at once) is still periodically getting around people and infecting them. But, thank goodness, she finally realizes that's she's ill and needs to stay in bed. She needs to get better - a lot better -before she comes back to work. Otherwise, it won't be long before she is sick again. And she needs to be well. There is so much going on right now and I know she's upset that she's missing it. Still, it's better to get really well than to repeat the process all over again.
So, I have a date with my pillow at 8 p.m. - yes, 8 p.m. I have two lessons at the studio and then I'm going straight home. I should be home no later than 8 p.m. And I'll be asleep shortly after - I'll take one Tylenol PM just to make sure I fall asleep right away and stay asleep until 7:30 a.m. Wednesday, Feb. 15. :-)
2.08.2006
Just another day...
...another ordinary day. Huh? Yeah, days aren't ever ordinary for me. But today isn't super emotional or interesting either. I'll take that...when I can get it. So I like today - a lot.
I was just thinking about next Tuesday - the dreaded Valentine's Day. I had hoped that this year would find me with a date for that evening. Yeah, I have a date...with my Bible study. I just don't know anymore if I should even be looking for a special someone. I know that I brooch this subject a lot on this blog but seriously, what am I doing? I mean God hasn't so much as put someone in my life that I have even wanted to date (and vice versa). I joke a lot that certain NFL, NBA or MLB players are just "waiting for me." But I'm joking. It's a way to not make me feel so bad about myself when it comes to the opposite sex, especially in front of all my guy friends. You know, I'm not exactly unattractive. I've stuggled with my physical self my whole life, trying to be prettier and have a better body. But really, I shouldn't be trying so hard, I am attractive without all that stuff. I've finally been able to have a better view of myself. So now, I'm kind of tired of the questions I get from my family and friends on why I haven't found someone yet because to them I'm very pretty and have an attractive personality. I wish I could just tell them "Well, I know that I'm not supposed to have one so you should stop worrying about it because I have" - but every time I get to that point something happens to make me think that a guy I like likes me back. But guess what? NOTHING HAPPENS! So, I ask again, what am I doing?
As of today, my focus has to be a career - no matter where that takes me (a new job, a new city or a new country). Because I do really want to have kids. I'd prefer to have a family unit (mother, father, 2.75 kids) but that may not be for me. So, I need to put myself in a financial place so that I can adopt.
You know, I have more than one guy friend that is older than me and they are all single. And though it seems that they are very content in their single life - I just couldn't be if I were their age. I want to have a family and a house. I think sometimes it's easier for guys to stay single longer; they get to be on their own without any woman "nagging" them. But marraige isn't all about "nagging" (btw, this is something that another friend of mine believes about marraige and he's older, too). Don't you guys think that your marraige counterparts can't stand your little "flaws" either? It's a relationship that has to be worked on continually; it's not just us, you know. It takes two to have a relationship; and when you find someone who you can't live without even if there are some things that irk you, then that's the person God has for you (especially if they feel the same way about you).
But guys like to "sow their oats." Even Christian guys do this - but in other ways. Are you about done yet? Because us aging, attractive Christian women have about had it. I know that I speak for most of my single women friends and others that I've never even met. We don't sleep around, we cook, we clean, we're intelligent, we like to be active and we are fun to be around. But apparently, if we're not a natural blonde with a big chest - well, that doesn't work for you. I don't mean to be judgemental about this but that's what I see. Unless we have "hot" bodies, even our Christian bretheren don't give us the time of day. So, on behalf of my many single girlfriends, wake up and get real, guys! You're missing out on a good thing - probably the best thing to ever happen to you.
Okay, I'm off my soap box....for now. Yeah, like the above is going to get me a date. It'll probably push guys away...but at least it's honest. And maybe it'll help some guy get off his butt and ask a girl out - and that girl may happen to be one of my friends so all the words written in this entry were worth it (even if it's not happening to me).
I was just thinking about next Tuesday - the dreaded Valentine's Day. I had hoped that this year would find me with a date for that evening. Yeah, I have a date...with my Bible study. I just don't know anymore if I should even be looking for a special someone. I know that I brooch this subject a lot on this blog but seriously, what am I doing? I mean God hasn't so much as put someone in my life that I have even wanted to date (and vice versa). I joke a lot that certain NFL, NBA or MLB players are just "waiting for me." But I'm joking. It's a way to not make me feel so bad about myself when it comes to the opposite sex, especially in front of all my guy friends. You know, I'm not exactly unattractive. I've stuggled with my physical self my whole life, trying to be prettier and have a better body. But really, I shouldn't be trying so hard, I am attractive without all that stuff. I've finally been able to have a better view of myself. So now, I'm kind of tired of the questions I get from my family and friends on why I haven't found someone yet because to them I'm very pretty and have an attractive personality. I wish I could just tell them "Well, I know that I'm not supposed to have one so you should stop worrying about it because I have" - but every time I get to that point something happens to make me think that a guy I like likes me back. But guess what? NOTHING HAPPENS! So, I ask again, what am I doing?
As of today, my focus has to be a career - no matter where that takes me (a new job, a new city or a new country). Because I do really want to have kids. I'd prefer to have a family unit (mother, father, 2.75 kids) but that may not be for me. So, I need to put myself in a financial place so that I can adopt.
You know, I have more than one guy friend that is older than me and they are all single. And though it seems that they are very content in their single life - I just couldn't be if I were their age. I want to have a family and a house. I think sometimes it's easier for guys to stay single longer; they get to be on their own without any woman "nagging" them. But marraige isn't all about "nagging" (btw, this is something that another friend of mine believes about marraige and he's older, too). Don't you guys think that your marraige counterparts can't stand your little "flaws" either? It's a relationship that has to be worked on continually; it's not just us, you know. It takes two to have a relationship; and when you find someone who you can't live without even if there are some things that irk you, then that's the person God has for you (especially if they feel the same way about you).
But guys like to "sow their oats." Even Christian guys do this - but in other ways. Are you about done yet? Because us aging, attractive Christian women have about had it. I know that I speak for most of my single women friends and others that I've never even met. We don't sleep around, we cook, we clean, we're intelligent, we like to be active and we are fun to be around. But apparently, if we're not a natural blonde with a big chest - well, that doesn't work for you. I don't mean to be judgemental about this but that's what I see. Unless we have "hot" bodies, even our Christian bretheren don't give us the time of day. So, on behalf of my many single girlfriends, wake up and get real, guys! You're missing out on a good thing - probably the best thing to ever happen to you.
Okay, I'm off my soap box....for now. Yeah, like the above is going to get me a date. It'll probably push guys away...but at least it's honest. And maybe it'll help some guy get off his butt and ask a girl out - and that girl may happen to be one of my friends so all the words written in this entry were worth it (even if it's not happening to me).
2.07.2006
Rollercoaster, baby!
That is what my life is...a non-stop rollercoaster. One day it's the fastest in the world; the next day it's the scariest with mind-blowing drops; and then the day after that it can be more of a kiddie ride. Seriously, it's no wonder I was exhausted yesterday. I slept for 16 hours. I had trouble focusing my eyes and not getting dizzy. I didn't have a cough, sneezed, or had any sort of temperature. I just couldn't clear my head. Today, I feel like a whole new person! I guess that I just needed to rest. And rest I did...16 hours!
I found out some good news personally and from a friend. The personal one I'll keep to myself for now but it's helped my demeanor today. But a good friend of mine from CA is having her second child this year! I'm so excited for her. It's another little girl (she has a little girl already named Lucy). If it works out, I may get to see her and my other friend and her son for lunch while I'm in CA in April. It'll be so great to see them with their families in person! I haven't gotten to see their babies yet so I really want it to work out that I can see them - even though my time is short there.
This friend of mine is also on the "Move Tiffany back to CA" bandwagon; actually, I think she's more like the Ringleader. She's always wanted me to be back. I just have never wanted to move back - but since there are so many things NOT happening here I'm open to the fact that I could be moving again. But I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT move back to Los Banos or Fresno. No offense to my family and friends there, but I don't want to live in those cities again. It's great to visit but not to live for me. If I move back, it's to somewhere that is either closer to the mountains or the beach. However, I'm not really a CA girl anymore; yes, I miss the beach but the fast, workaholic lifestyle - definitely not. So, we'll just see what God has in store for me. I'm just ready to keep my options open. And I'd really like to meet somewhere back here and get married back here. But I know I'll be happier with God's plan for me...so I'm willing to wait.
Plus, I can't move soon - Alisa and Jen are planning my 30th birthday! I can't miss that! I have a lot of friends that will be there to celebrate with me - who care about me as a person and accept me though I'm sometimes messy. I really appreciate them and that God has allowed me to be part of their lives - even though I only see some of them sporadically. So though the party is in my honor - I'll feel honored and humbled that they showed to support me.
I found out some good news personally and from a friend. The personal one I'll keep to myself for now but it's helped my demeanor today. But a good friend of mine from CA is having her second child this year! I'm so excited for her. It's another little girl (she has a little girl already named Lucy). If it works out, I may get to see her and my other friend and her son for lunch while I'm in CA in April. It'll be so great to see them with their families in person! I haven't gotten to see their babies yet so I really want it to work out that I can see them - even though my time is short there.
This friend of mine is also on the "Move Tiffany back to CA" bandwagon; actually, I think she's more like the Ringleader. She's always wanted me to be back. I just have never wanted to move back - but since there are so many things NOT happening here I'm open to the fact that I could be moving again. But I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT move back to Los Banos or Fresno. No offense to my family and friends there, but I don't want to live in those cities again. It's great to visit but not to live for me. If I move back, it's to somewhere that is either closer to the mountains or the beach. However, I'm not really a CA girl anymore; yes, I miss the beach but the fast, workaholic lifestyle - definitely not. So, we'll just see what God has in store for me. I'm just ready to keep my options open. And I'd really like to meet somewhere back here and get married back here. But I know I'll be happier with God's plan for me...so I'm willing to wait.
Plus, I can't move soon - Alisa and Jen are planning my 30th birthday! I can't miss that! I have a lot of friends that will be there to celebrate with me - who care about me as a person and accept me though I'm sometimes messy. I really appreciate them and that God has allowed me to be part of their lives - even though I only see some of them sporadically. So though the party is in my honor - I'll feel honored and humbled that they showed to support me.
2.03.2006
Why am I so stupid?
Seriously, why am I so stupid? I'm not talking about in the intelligence way - although you could argue that it could have a little to do with it. I just opened up about something today to a few friends. I admitted that I like this other person. I don't even know why I'm attracted to him because he doesn't really know that I exist - in that way. I have to be cryptic here because, though I don't think he'll ever read this blog, I can't let him know. I'll feel stupid and like a fool. But I have to admit that I want to get to know him better. I'm curious about him past what everyone sees on the outside but I'm never ever around him. Maybe once every couple months. Really, I think that the attraction is partly physical but mostly, it's curiosity. Curiosity killed the cat - so why can't I let it go? We're probably not compatible in a romantic way but that still doesn't make me want to not want to get to know him.
Because I'm stupid. I always start to like guys that don't have a clue that I exist. Why can't I be attracted to someone that is attracted to me back? It's not supposed to be this hard. If you like someone and they like you back, it should be easy. But that never happens to me. In fact, it's always been really bad timing - that's why I've never had a boyfriend. It always ends up that one of us is moving on so only then does one of us open up - just before leaving - and admit that at one time we had the hots for each other. On one hand, it's good because it's obvious that the other person wasn't the one the God wants us to spend eternity with. On the other hand, I've never had any experience with relationships so as I get older I'm less and less confident in saying yes to someone I like. I feel like I'm a total baby when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. I'm pretty good at hanging out with guys due to the fact that I LOVE most sports. But that sometimes gets in the way of dating. I'm thought of as a "buddy" or a "safe" girl - like I don't expect to be treated like a lady. Can't I be both? Can't I be treated like a lady and a friend? Apparently, guys don't think so.
It gets frustrating. I don't want to give up my love of sports and I can't give up my girly side. I'm at a loss at what to do. If guys can't accept me as either, both and/or - then am I ever going to be excepted as dating "material?" Will I ever be a girlfriend or, more importantly, a wife? Or am I destined to be alone because the opposite sex can't open their eyes and see what an amazing gift I can be for any man: a female who would actually love to go to sporting events with them, would make awesome food for "our" many sports-related parties, and am a fun personality to boot?
You men - you're really the stupid ones sometimes. And that's the cold, hard truth. Even if this person is attracted to me - just bear with my fantasy for a moment - he hasn't done anything about it. I was told that maybe he was hurt before and it's really hard for him to open up. Well, it's been years since we've known each other and if it's taken him this long, then he's not very bright and is letting a good thing slip away. Which makes me not want to like him but right now I don't have a choice in the matter; it would be easier if I could just turn off this curiosity but, apparently, I broke the nob. At least, not until the next poor man comes along that attracts me to him though he's actually wearing repellent. :-)
Because I'm stupid. I always start to like guys that don't have a clue that I exist. Why can't I be attracted to someone that is attracted to me back? It's not supposed to be this hard. If you like someone and they like you back, it should be easy. But that never happens to me. In fact, it's always been really bad timing - that's why I've never had a boyfriend. It always ends up that one of us is moving on so only then does one of us open up - just before leaving - and admit that at one time we had the hots for each other. On one hand, it's good because it's obvious that the other person wasn't the one the God wants us to spend eternity with. On the other hand, I've never had any experience with relationships so as I get older I'm less and less confident in saying yes to someone I like. I feel like I'm a total baby when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. I'm pretty good at hanging out with guys due to the fact that I LOVE most sports. But that sometimes gets in the way of dating. I'm thought of as a "buddy" or a "safe" girl - like I don't expect to be treated like a lady. Can't I be both? Can't I be treated like a lady and a friend? Apparently, guys don't think so.
It gets frustrating. I don't want to give up my love of sports and I can't give up my girly side. I'm at a loss at what to do. If guys can't accept me as either, both and/or - then am I ever going to be excepted as dating "material?" Will I ever be a girlfriend or, more importantly, a wife? Or am I destined to be alone because the opposite sex can't open their eyes and see what an amazing gift I can be for any man: a female who would actually love to go to sporting events with them, would make awesome food for "our" many sports-related parties, and am a fun personality to boot?
You men - you're really the stupid ones sometimes. And that's the cold, hard truth. Even if this person is attracted to me - just bear with my fantasy for a moment - he hasn't done anything about it. I was told that maybe he was hurt before and it's really hard for him to open up. Well, it's been years since we've known each other and if it's taken him this long, then he's not very bright and is letting a good thing slip away. Which makes me not want to like him but right now I don't have a choice in the matter; it would be easier if I could just turn off this curiosity but, apparently, I broke the nob. At least, not until the next poor man comes along that attracts me to him though he's actually wearing repellent. :-)
2.02.2006
Is the desert calling?
He leads us on by paths we did not know; Upward He leads us, though our steps be slow, Though oft we faint and falter on the way, Though storms and darkness oft obscure the day;Yet when the clouds are gone,We know He leads us on. He leads us on through all the unquiet years; Past all our dreamland hopes, and doubts and fears, He guides our steps, through all the tangled maze Of losses, sorrows, and o'er clouded days;We know His will is done;And still He leads us on. - Nicholaus Ludwig Zinzendorf
Is the desert calling me? Or is it just playing with my emotions? That's what I want to know today. Will I be strong enough? Is there anything that I have to be strong about? Those are the questions I have today. Is it the end? Is it the beginning? Is it the middle? Is it just transition? This is what I don't know about life today.
The only thing I do know and am clinging to: that He knows what's best for me, for everyone. Whatever happens next is what's supposed to happen (and, of course, I pray that the good thing happens though I know that there's just as good of chance that the bad thing will happen instead). Still, you have to hope and be positive in the midst of so much uncertainty. Otherwise, what do we have but despair, depression and sadness. I choose to be positive - as much as I can be when things don't seem to be going right.
Is the desert calling me? Or is it just playing with my emotions? That's what I want to know today. Will I be strong enough? Is there anything that I have to be strong about? Those are the questions I have today. Is it the end? Is it the beginning? Is it the middle? Is it just transition? This is what I don't know about life today.
The only thing I do know and am clinging to: that He knows what's best for me, for everyone. Whatever happens next is what's supposed to happen (and, of course, I pray that the good thing happens though I know that there's just as good of chance that the bad thing will happen instead). Still, you have to hope and be positive in the midst of so much uncertainty. Otherwise, what do we have but despair, depression and sadness. I choose to be positive - as much as I can be when things don't seem to be going right.
1.31.2006
Everything all at once
It must state in the miniscule text in the Book of Life that everything has to happen all at once. It can't be gradual or you can't have one thing happen, fix it and then the next thing comes. No, we have to multi-task our problems. It's no wonder we (Americans) have high stress levels and are the fattest country on this planet.
Right now, my personal life is a little chaotic -though I've learned to accept it and put one foot in front of the other not worrying about the next step until it's here - otherwise I'd drive myself into the looney bin. One of the issues that I'm dealing with is health - that of a few in my family and my friends. I'm trying to be very positive but, to be brutally honest, I'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop - literally. I'm sure that with my luck, if it's going to happen, it's going to happen soon. Everything for me always happens at once - the bad thing about that is that it's all always bad. Not one positive happens in that time. I have to get through the bad stuff with not one iota of hope. If I didn't have a strong faith, I'm sure I'd be in a straight jacket by now. So besides trying to find a full-time job, figuring out why I'm so unattractive to the opposite sex so I can finally answer the question, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" that I get asked on a daily basis, finding a way to make my life debt-free and become a better friend, I may have to deal with health issues, too. You see, nothing good. It all may be going somewhere good but it's all negatives to work through; there just can't be one thing that just happens that's good that I don't have to work for - you know, it just happens without you even knowing.
What is getting me through is that I'm used to this. I don't cry much anymore; I just put it on my shoulders and walk through my day - half like a zombie and half just like a busy person. I found that being busy helps you not think of so many of the bad things. It's not that the busyness helps you avoid them, but it helps them to not overrun your life so you become a weepy mess. The lack of sleep also doesn't help but if you only give yourself enough time at rest in order to sleep in your bed, then you also don't have to think about the bad things as much - you don't have time! You must use the lag time to sleep (even if it's only 6-7 hours a day, which is what I'm averaging right now).
I don't mean to complain; I just need to get things off my chest. I fully realize that there are many people in this world that have bigger problems than mine. But we all have to release at some point or else we'll drive ourselves crazy. Everybody's problems are for each of us to share, support and help them get better.
But wouldn't it be nice if for once we can have one thing happen good in the midst of all the bad? I feel like all I ever talk about is not having a full-time job that I'm good at and like, not having a relationship, still being in debt and health problems. I'd just like for one of those things to change. 1 out of 4 would be great. All would be better; but 1 out of 4 is a good start. There would be hope and it would be easier to tackle the other three. Then again, I know God is teaching me something with all this. So, it may have to stay this way: everything all at once. Maybe that's the only way "it" works: this thing we call life.
Right now, my personal life is a little chaotic -though I've learned to accept it and put one foot in front of the other not worrying about the next step until it's here - otherwise I'd drive myself into the looney bin. One of the issues that I'm dealing with is health - that of a few in my family and my friends. I'm trying to be very positive but, to be brutally honest, I'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop - literally. I'm sure that with my luck, if it's going to happen, it's going to happen soon. Everything for me always happens at once - the bad thing about that is that it's all always bad. Not one positive happens in that time. I have to get through the bad stuff with not one iota of hope. If I didn't have a strong faith, I'm sure I'd be in a straight jacket by now. So besides trying to find a full-time job, figuring out why I'm so unattractive to the opposite sex so I can finally answer the question, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" that I get asked on a daily basis, finding a way to make my life debt-free and become a better friend, I may have to deal with health issues, too. You see, nothing good. It all may be going somewhere good but it's all negatives to work through; there just can't be one thing that just happens that's good that I don't have to work for - you know, it just happens without you even knowing.
What is getting me through is that I'm used to this. I don't cry much anymore; I just put it on my shoulders and walk through my day - half like a zombie and half just like a busy person. I found that being busy helps you not think of so many of the bad things. It's not that the busyness helps you avoid them, but it helps them to not overrun your life so you become a weepy mess. The lack of sleep also doesn't help but if you only give yourself enough time at rest in order to sleep in your bed, then you also don't have to think about the bad things as much - you don't have time! You must use the lag time to sleep (even if it's only 6-7 hours a day, which is what I'm averaging right now).
I don't mean to complain; I just need to get things off my chest. I fully realize that there are many people in this world that have bigger problems than mine. But we all have to release at some point or else we'll drive ourselves crazy. Everybody's problems are for each of us to share, support and help them get better.
But wouldn't it be nice if for once we can have one thing happen good in the midst of all the bad? I feel like all I ever talk about is not having a full-time job that I'm good at and like, not having a relationship, still being in debt and health problems. I'd just like for one of those things to change. 1 out of 4 would be great. All would be better; but 1 out of 4 is a good start. There would be hope and it would be easier to tackle the other three. Then again, I know God is teaching me something with all this. So, it may have to stay this way: everything all at once. Maybe that's the only way "it" works: this thing we call life.
1.30.2006
Countdown 3 plus the future
49 days and counting....I had to do the countdown today because it's one of my favorite numbers. Yes, those who know me know exactly why: it's because of my beloved SF 49ers. :-)
You know, the future is very open right now: meaning I have no idea where I'm supposed to go from this point. I'm trying to figure out a way to get out of debt faster while finding a career. I love Ballroom dancing and I'm good at teaching it but I just don't see a career because physically I can't teach all day and I don't see any possibility of furthering my career at the studio beyond being an instructor (the reasons for which I'll keep to myself for now).
So, I'm now actually considering going back to school - and I have several degree options to consider. My first action though is to get my transcripts and figure out requirements to either do a second major or apply for a Master's - of which I have to cough up $9 just for a piece of paper at an institution that I gave over $14,000 already. But it will be worth it and $9 isn't necessarily going to break my bank account.
Consideration #2 is the continuation of finding a full-time job with benefits. This has been and is an on-going process. So, I have to keep it up even though I will be checking out other options. There could be that perfect job out there for me but it just isn't time yet. I have to be patient and keep sending out those resumes.
Consideration #3 is to check out this Toastmasters thing. My boss at the H-T informed me of the organization - it helps people become better public speakers (and meets way earlier than I ever get up). She said that it might also look good on my resume. I need to look into that soon.
Consideration #4 is to seriously think about taking cooking classes or going to Culinary school. I love to cook for people and entertain. Why not make money at it?
Consideration #5 is that maybe I'm not supposed to have a career but am in certain places so that I find that special someone in order to start a family and be a mom and wife. But, really, isn't that what I'm doing right now? Until something changes, this is where I'm at: waiting for something to happen to me that's positive like a relationship or a sound career.
But the relationship thing, while I want one badly, I don't think is the end all/be all to my life. I'd love just to date someone that has the possibility of becoming a commited relationship. I don't want to date anyone that is going to put pressure on me or himself to have something serious right away - even because I'm closing in on 30 and my biological clock is getting louder. And though it would be nice that the first person I kiss is the only person I kiss for the rest of my life, I know that it's not realistic. So I may have a few relationships before I find him. I just would like the searching to finally start - I mean, I've waited patiently for nearly 30 years; I should at least be rewarded with a boyfriend this year (even if it doesn't last forever).
On the other hand, I'm not sure that any man is going to accept me for who I am: not a supermodel...not incredibly smart though I'm definitely not a dimwit...am outgoing and outspoken...strong when I need to be but still need comforting...and someone who likes to relax. Most of the Christian men I know are very reserved, boring and not-aggressive enough to ask a girl out; they prefer to be pursued (which is backwards thinking). They also want these camera-ready women who seem to have the perfect body, bra-size and are at least as successful as them. I don't fit into that category and I've not found a guy that likes sports as much as I do, accepts/respects my knowledge and finds me to be attractive inside and out. So I find it hard to believe that there is anyone out there for me. I am a bit clumsy - physically and in life. There are times that I just have to laugh at the situations that I sometimes get myself into and I need somebody who is going to laugh with me - not at me.
Plus, I always seem to be attracted to men that will never be attracted to me. So the one time that it's mutual, maybe he'll be the one. Again, I hightly doubt it since I've never been attracted to the men who like me (which have never been compatible with me in the first place so I don't know why they're even attracted). It's just a vicious cycle that I wish would finally end by either God blatantly telling me that I'm supposed to be single or Him finally giving me a reason to hope. Either way, I don't have time to concern myself with it because I have to pay my bills - and focusing on this doesn't pay the bills. Though it would make things a bit easier if someone of the opposite sex thought me to be "amazing, gorgeous, talented" (and I thought of him the same way) - it would definitely improve my self-esteem.
You know, the future is very open right now: meaning I have no idea where I'm supposed to go from this point. I'm trying to figure out a way to get out of debt faster while finding a career. I love Ballroom dancing and I'm good at teaching it but I just don't see a career because physically I can't teach all day and I don't see any possibility of furthering my career at the studio beyond being an instructor (the reasons for which I'll keep to myself for now).
So, I'm now actually considering going back to school - and I have several degree options to consider. My first action though is to get my transcripts and figure out requirements to either do a second major or apply for a Master's - of which I have to cough up $9 just for a piece of paper at an institution that I gave over $14,000 already. But it will be worth it and $9 isn't necessarily going to break my bank account.
Consideration #2 is the continuation of finding a full-time job with benefits. This has been and is an on-going process. So, I have to keep it up even though I will be checking out other options. There could be that perfect job out there for me but it just isn't time yet. I have to be patient and keep sending out those resumes.
Consideration #3 is to check out this Toastmasters thing. My boss at the H-T informed me of the organization - it helps people become better public speakers (and meets way earlier than I ever get up). She said that it might also look good on my resume. I need to look into that soon.
Consideration #4 is to seriously think about taking cooking classes or going to Culinary school. I love to cook for people and entertain. Why not make money at it?
Consideration #5 is that maybe I'm not supposed to have a career but am in certain places so that I find that special someone in order to start a family and be a mom and wife. But, really, isn't that what I'm doing right now? Until something changes, this is where I'm at: waiting for something to happen to me that's positive like a relationship or a sound career.
But the relationship thing, while I want one badly, I don't think is the end all/be all to my life. I'd love just to date someone that has the possibility of becoming a commited relationship. I don't want to date anyone that is going to put pressure on me or himself to have something serious right away - even because I'm closing in on 30 and my biological clock is getting louder. And though it would be nice that the first person I kiss is the only person I kiss for the rest of my life, I know that it's not realistic. So I may have a few relationships before I find him. I just would like the searching to finally start - I mean, I've waited patiently for nearly 30 years; I should at least be rewarded with a boyfriend this year (even if it doesn't last forever).
On the other hand, I'm not sure that any man is going to accept me for who I am: not a supermodel...not incredibly smart though I'm definitely not a dimwit...am outgoing and outspoken...strong when I need to be but still need comforting...and someone who likes to relax. Most of the Christian men I know are very reserved, boring and not-aggressive enough to ask a girl out; they prefer to be pursued (which is backwards thinking). They also want these camera-ready women who seem to have the perfect body, bra-size and are at least as successful as them. I don't fit into that category and I've not found a guy that likes sports as much as I do, accepts/respects my knowledge and finds me to be attractive inside and out. So I find it hard to believe that there is anyone out there for me. I am a bit clumsy - physically and in life. There are times that I just have to laugh at the situations that I sometimes get myself into and I need somebody who is going to laugh with me - not at me.
Plus, I always seem to be attracted to men that will never be attracted to me. So the one time that it's mutual, maybe he'll be the one. Again, I hightly doubt it since I've never been attracted to the men who like me (which have never been compatible with me in the first place so I don't know why they're even attracted). It's just a vicious cycle that I wish would finally end by either God blatantly telling me that I'm supposed to be single or Him finally giving me a reason to hope. Either way, I don't have time to concern myself with it because I have to pay my bills - and focusing on this doesn't pay the bills. Though it would make things a bit easier if someone of the opposite sex thought me to be "amazing, gorgeous, talented" (and I thought of him the same way) - it would definitely improve my self-esteem.
1.26.2006
Countdown 2...and other stuff
54 days and counting....:-)
There has been a few exciting things in the last couple days. They aren't big things but they make the day go a little smoother. For one, I just found out that I have QuarkXpress on my computer! Yay! I love working with Quark. Of course, it's only 4.0 so it doesn't have some of the options I'm used to using but it's a whole heck of a lot better than using Word for this work project I have right now. If I could afford to put it on my computer at home, I'd buy it. So, for the last two days I've been using my favorite program. :-)
Also, I had a great Bible study Tuesday night. We didn't actually do a study but reflected on our studies from last year and decided what we wanted to do next. It was nice to finally get back to a somewhat normal schedule - although a very, very busy one. However, fitting in two evening Bible studies a week is all the time I have to relax during the entire week, as my weekends now have become part of my weekdays! Ugh! I'm hoping that after Feb. 12, things will calm down a bit but I'm not really holding my breath. Until I find a full-time job with benefits or am more financially stable, I doubt things will get any better soon. Here's to hoping they will, though.
I just don't want to end up in a rut and burned out. I really don't have many to support me because I'm too busy for them to be there for me. And those who are my close friends have different schedules than me. This is where a significant other would be appropriate but, alas, that isn't in the near future. It would be nice to start dating again though. But I'm also not in a rush so I guess where I am right now is right where I'm supposed to be. I don't have a lot of time anyway.
I'm looking forward to my performances (Night in Old Vienna and Indy Classic) but right now I'm looking more forward to Feb. 5 - although it's a super busy day. Feb. 5th is the Super Bowl. I don't have anywhere to go yet but I'm sure that someone will have something that I could go to. I don't really want to be home alone watching it. I would throw my own thing but I'm busy intil 6 p.m. that night with things at church so there would be no way that I could host anything.
Go Steelers! I never thought I'd say that. But I'm a Randle El fan - and the Colts choked - so that's who I'm rooting for. I just can't wait until the Niners are in the playoffs again - but I'll probably be waiting for awhile. :-)
There has been a few exciting things in the last couple days. They aren't big things but they make the day go a little smoother. For one, I just found out that I have QuarkXpress on my computer! Yay! I love working with Quark. Of course, it's only 4.0 so it doesn't have some of the options I'm used to using but it's a whole heck of a lot better than using Word for this work project I have right now. If I could afford to put it on my computer at home, I'd buy it. So, for the last two days I've been using my favorite program. :-)
Also, I had a great Bible study Tuesday night. We didn't actually do a study but reflected on our studies from last year and decided what we wanted to do next. It was nice to finally get back to a somewhat normal schedule - although a very, very busy one. However, fitting in two evening Bible studies a week is all the time I have to relax during the entire week, as my weekends now have become part of my weekdays! Ugh! I'm hoping that after Feb. 12, things will calm down a bit but I'm not really holding my breath. Until I find a full-time job with benefits or am more financially stable, I doubt things will get any better soon. Here's to hoping they will, though.
I just don't want to end up in a rut and burned out. I really don't have many to support me because I'm too busy for them to be there for me. And those who are my close friends have different schedules than me. This is where a significant other would be appropriate but, alas, that isn't in the near future. It would be nice to start dating again though. But I'm also not in a rush so I guess where I am right now is right where I'm supposed to be. I don't have a lot of time anyway.
I'm looking forward to my performances (Night in Old Vienna and Indy Classic) but right now I'm looking more forward to Feb. 5 - although it's a super busy day. Feb. 5th is the Super Bowl. I don't have anywhere to go yet but I'm sure that someone will have something that I could go to. I don't really want to be home alone watching it. I would throw my own thing but I'm busy intil 6 p.m. that night with things at church so there would be no way that I could host anything.
Go Steelers! I never thought I'd say that. But I'm a Randle El fan - and the Colts choked - so that's who I'm rooting for. I just can't wait until the Niners are in the playoffs again - but I'll probably be waiting for awhile. :-)
1.24.2006
Under Construction
It's a new year...and a new and improved me (well, not yet but I'm working on it). In celebration of "new beginnings," my blog is also getting revamped. So, while I give my online journal a "facelift," please be patient. I am also planning on putting pictures on this year and I don't know how yet.
Although, I think I have found a good title. "Lost in Space" applies to me as a person (I can be "lightheaded" at times) and to the nature of this blog (since I seem to write about everything from sports to sleep deprivation to things that frustrate me).
Not only am I cleaning up my clutter, but I'm coming clean. No more lauriejotiffers.blogspot.com. I'm using my real name and all that that implies. If I'm to have an online blog and be honest on it, I want to be real in identity, too. Why be open and hide behind a fake name? I've now come to the conclusion that hiding behind a surname, while it might seem mysterious, is more like you're hiding out - for me anyway. So I'm coming clean, as Hilary Duff would sing.
Please visit me soon and check out all the new "stuff." Have a wonderful day!
Although, I think I have found a good title. "Lost in Space" applies to me as a person (I can be "lightheaded" at times) and to the nature of this blog (since I seem to write about everything from sports to sleep deprivation to things that frustrate me).
Not only am I cleaning up my clutter, but I'm coming clean. No more lauriejotiffers.blogspot.com. I'm using my real name and all that that implies. If I'm to have an online blog and be honest on it, I want to be real in identity, too. Why be open and hide behind a fake name? I've now come to the conclusion that hiding behind a surname, while it might seem mysterious, is more like you're hiding out - for me anyway. So I'm coming clean, as Hilary Duff would sing.
Please visit me soon and check out all the new "stuff." Have a wonderful day!
1.23.2006
Kobe - Wow!
It's nice to prove everyone wrong, isn't it? All those naysayers and know-it-alls finally get put in their place. Thank you, Kobe, for doing what I couldn't: prove to everyone that watching you play is better than any NBA Championship won by the Lakers in the recent years with your former "teammate."
I've followed Kobe Bryant since before he was a Laker. I read about him in both stories and interviews. I was so impressed and became a fan quickly. Then I found out he had always wanted to be a Laker - my team from the beginning. As a kid, he watched Lakers games and learned to move like Magic (along with others). So how excited was I that he actually became a Laker?! How amazing a part did fate play in that turnout? He wanted to be a Laker and he got his wish. Then he preceded to win championships and bring the glory back to L.A. But he did need a big man to do it. To be honest, I never really liked Shaq. He had to grow on me but even when he did help us to National Championships, I still wasn't that impressed. Had he stayed and Kobe left, I'd have been super upset. I can't be 100% sure but I think it would've been the only time I left my favorite team and followed a player instead. That's not like me - at all. I stick to my team even when it's bad (all of them). But I think Kobe is the only player that would be able to make me root for another team - whatever team he plays for.
That says a lot since my favorite player of all-time is Jerry Rice (of which my friends will immediately tell you about my "shrine" to the SF 49ers & IU Hoosiers). When he left SF, I didn't follow him though I still watched him play (and psychotically imagined him still in a Niner uniform though he was playing for the Raiders). But I have no doubt that I would go where Kobe goes. He is the best in the NBA and he cannot be denied that label especially now that he has a chance to prove it. There's nobody in his way hogging the spotlight or the ball.
What Kobe did last night was the mark of a great baller. His team was lethargic. He was ticked off. So he had to do it himself. I do think that the W was more important to him. He still has something to prove, people. He wants to get back to the Finals and win it - without Shaq - and that means the Lakers have to win. If he has to put up 81 points a game to do it, you know what?, he will. He has no fear and doesn't care what the critics say. He got the W; that's all that mattered.
But for the rest of us, it was a night that we'll all remember. It was the reason why fans watch sports - to witness individual and team feats like last nights. To watch records get broken or almost get broken. Wow! That's the only word to describe it.
Thank you, Kobe.
I've followed Kobe Bryant since before he was a Laker. I read about him in both stories and interviews. I was so impressed and became a fan quickly. Then I found out he had always wanted to be a Laker - my team from the beginning. As a kid, he watched Lakers games and learned to move like Magic (along with others). So how excited was I that he actually became a Laker?! How amazing a part did fate play in that turnout? He wanted to be a Laker and he got his wish. Then he preceded to win championships and bring the glory back to L.A. But he did need a big man to do it. To be honest, I never really liked Shaq. He had to grow on me but even when he did help us to National Championships, I still wasn't that impressed. Had he stayed and Kobe left, I'd have been super upset. I can't be 100% sure but I think it would've been the only time I left my favorite team and followed a player instead. That's not like me - at all. I stick to my team even when it's bad (all of them). But I think Kobe is the only player that would be able to make me root for another team - whatever team he plays for.
That says a lot since my favorite player of all-time is Jerry Rice (of which my friends will immediately tell you about my "shrine" to the SF 49ers & IU Hoosiers). When he left SF, I didn't follow him though I still watched him play (and psychotically imagined him still in a Niner uniform though he was playing for the Raiders). But I have no doubt that I would go where Kobe goes. He is the best in the NBA and he cannot be denied that label especially now that he has a chance to prove it. There's nobody in his way hogging the spotlight or the ball.
What Kobe did last night was the mark of a great baller. His team was lethargic. He was ticked off. So he had to do it himself. I do think that the W was more important to him. He still has something to prove, people. He wants to get back to the Finals and win it - without Shaq - and that means the Lakers have to win. If he has to put up 81 points a game to do it, you know what?, he will. He has no fear and doesn't care what the critics say. He got the W; that's all that mattered.
But for the rest of us, it was a night that we'll all remember. It was the reason why fans watch sports - to witness individual and team feats like last nights. To watch records get broken or almost get broken. Wow! That's the only word to describe it.
Thank you, Kobe.
1.16.2006
Good movie
"Glory Road" is a good movie - no matter what the critics say. It may not be the best movie ever made but it was so fun to watch. I laughed, I thought, I smiled, I teared up a little and I cheered. It was what a movie should be. It should be enjoyable in lots of different ways. There wasn't too much dialogue and actually had guys playing basketball. There are some sports movies that forget that the characters should actually be playing something. It looked so real, too. And they had the right actors for it; great casting. Thank goodness Affleck passed. He would not have been a good Don Haskins - just not the role meant for him. Josh Lucas was great in the role. I really can't see anyone else taking on the feat. Nice job.
I have to say that it still didn't compare to "Remember the Titans" or "The Rookie" but it held up against them for the most part. I was excited to see a good sports movie finally. But, seriously, nothing has come close to "Remember the Titans." What a great movie! Such a shame that it was passed over that year. I saw every movie that was nominated that year and I was very surprised that RTT wasn't one of them; actually, I was angry. But what could you do.
On another note, there was a nice preview of the new Disney movie, "Eight Below." I can't wait to see it! Of course, it also helps that Paul Walker is one of the leads. Thank goodness he's in something not involving cars or sexy women. I liked the "Fast and the Furious" and it's sequel but you kinda wish that your favorite actors star in movies that are either more family-oriented or Oscar-worthy. You want to see them respected. Then again, you don't know them and their desires so you really have no right to say anything - just give your opinion and that's it. I'm just glad that he's in something family oriented and a Disney movie (that isn't "Meet the Deedles" - it was enjoyable but forgettable, if you know what I mean).
However, the next must-see movie on my list is "The Pink Panther." Laugh if you want, but I can't wait to see Steve Martin play Inspector Jacques Clouseau...."Cato, Cato, where are you?" LOL. My favorite scene out of all of the first movies has to be the moat scene. I can watch it over and over and laugh just as hard each time. I love it! All the Cato scenes are a close second.
I have to say that it still didn't compare to "Remember the Titans" or "The Rookie" but it held up against them for the most part. I was excited to see a good sports movie finally. But, seriously, nothing has come close to "Remember the Titans." What a great movie! Such a shame that it was passed over that year. I saw every movie that was nominated that year and I was very surprised that RTT wasn't one of them; actually, I was angry. But what could you do.
On another note, there was a nice preview of the new Disney movie, "Eight Below." I can't wait to see it! Of course, it also helps that Paul Walker is one of the leads. Thank goodness he's in something not involving cars or sexy women. I liked the "Fast and the Furious" and it's sequel but you kinda wish that your favorite actors star in movies that are either more family-oriented or Oscar-worthy. You want to see them respected. Then again, you don't know them and their desires so you really have no right to say anything - just give your opinion and that's it. I'm just glad that he's in something family oriented and a Disney movie (that isn't "Meet the Deedles" - it was enjoyable but forgettable, if you know what I mean).
However, the next must-see movie on my list is "The Pink Panther." Laugh if you want, but I can't wait to see Steve Martin play Inspector Jacques Clouseau...."Cato, Cato, where are you?" LOL. My favorite scene out of all of the first movies has to be the moat scene. I can watch it over and over and laugh just as hard each time. I love it! All the Cato scenes are a close second.
Countdown
So there isn't a lot for me to look forward to except my birthday (and visiting my family/Jennie's wedding in April). Here's the latest countdown...63 days.
1.05.2006
Hook 'em, Horns! Yee Haw!
Though it didn't come at the hands of Fresno State this year, USC's loss in the Rose Bowl to Texas was still satisfying. And I like Texas - of course, mainly because my Brother's Godfather's son is a walk-on player who won a scholarship last year. He's a sophomore so he doesn't play much right now but he's getting in there. It's nice to have a personal connection.
Plus, I got to see Texas in action last year in the Rose Bowl against Michigan. Wow! What a game to witness in person. It was awesome! You watch Vince Young and keep rubbing your eyes because you just can't believe that what he does is real. It's almost as if you're watching a cartoon. He's so quick and amazing. He so deserved the Heisman this year. No offense to Reggie Bush. He's a great player; one of the best ever. But Vince is the MVP of his team, his conference and, to me, the entire nation. He does everything and even when things seem impossible, he finds a way. He deserved it more. But I guess the consolation prize isn't so bad: the National Championship and MVP of the Rose Bowl. Things don't get much better than that for a college football player. :-)
Hook 'em, Horns!
Plus, I got to see Texas in action last year in the Rose Bowl against Michigan. Wow! What a game to witness in person. It was awesome! You watch Vince Young and keep rubbing your eyes because you just can't believe that what he does is real. It's almost as if you're watching a cartoon. He's so quick and amazing. He so deserved the Heisman this year. No offense to Reggie Bush. He's a great player; one of the best ever. But Vince is the MVP of his team, his conference and, to me, the entire nation. He does everything and even when things seem impossible, he finds a way. He deserved it more. But I guess the consolation prize isn't so bad: the National Championship and MVP of the Rose Bowl. Things don't get much better than that for a college football player. :-)
Hook 'em, Horns!
1.04.2006
I have so many "issues"
Well, here it is Wednesday, January 4. My parents are back, I work at the studio for the first time since last Wednesday (a full schedule) and for no reason my neck and back decide to act up. Oh, yeah, I have had a lovely day. I've been trying to figure out how I'm going to teach five lessons tonight when I can barely move the area from the base of my skull to my last vertibrae. Ugh! The dancing Monday didn't do it. I wasn't doing anything that was overly stretching or fast or jumpy. It was more lyrical with my arms (a few turns here and there) but nothing to extend any of the areas. I was very careful; I always am now especially since I started back at the studio. Plus, I felt fine all day yesterday. Why would it show up now? I was fine when I went to bed both nights. But I woke up barely able to move this morning. I was late by an hour to work (of course, I called in to let them know what was happening). I've been doing what I need to but not even Advil is working. I have no idea what else to do.
So I've been thinking about this all day and I just realized what is happening: my stress is manifesting itself physically. When I really thought about it, I realized that I have a ton of issues still hanging over my head. There are so many things that I have to take care of that it's showing up physical. In addition to the facts that I had a pretty tough week and haven't been getting enough sleep, it's no wonder I can walk at all today. I suspect that Monday nights dancing had a little to do with it, I know that it was just a little bit. Seriously, I didn't do much at all even though it was for an hour. I watched and moved to four videos (a total of 7 times in an hour; I rested a lot and did choreography in my head during those rest times - I didn't do it physically). So it couldn't have led to this. I mean, I've done 10x more at the studio in one 45 minute lesson that I did Monday night physically.
Plus, it started in my neck. My back didn't feel bad this morning. It was my neck and shoulders. The last two times it started in my neck and spread to the rest of my back over the day, it was due to stress and too little of rest. Since my injury, I'm much more in tune with my body. Those last two times there also wasn't anything physical that I could link to it. I know that this has to be stress-oriented.
I've been able to fool myself for awhile; my body is finally trying to tell me to do something about my stress level. And believe me, I'm determined now to take care of this stress once and for all. I can't afford to be out of work because my back or neck is acting upon my stress level. No can do. So I'll be resting and putting my life in better order - starting immediately by picking back up my search for a full-time job with benefits. :-)
So I've been thinking about this all day and I just realized what is happening: my stress is manifesting itself physically. When I really thought about it, I realized that I have a ton of issues still hanging over my head. There are so many things that I have to take care of that it's showing up physical. In addition to the facts that I had a pretty tough week and haven't been getting enough sleep, it's no wonder I can walk at all today. I suspect that Monday nights dancing had a little to do with it, I know that it was just a little bit. Seriously, I didn't do much at all even though it was for an hour. I watched and moved to four videos (a total of 7 times in an hour; I rested a lot and did choreography in my head during those rest times - I didn't do it physically). So it couldn't have led to this. I mean, I've done 10x more at the studio in one 45 minute lesson that I did Monday night physically.
Plus, it started in my neck. My back didn't feel bad this morning. It was my neck and shoulders. The last two times it started in my neck and spread to the rest of my back over the day, it was due to stress and too little of rest. Since my injury, I'm much more in tune with my body. Those last two times there also wasn't anything physical that I could link to it. I know that this has to be stress-oriented.
I've been able to fool myself for awhile; my body is finally trying to tell me to do something about my stress level. And believe me, I'm determined now to take care of this stress once and for all. I can't afford to be out of work because my back or neck is acting upon my stress level. No can do. So I'll be resting and putting my life in better order - starting immediately by picking back up my search for a full-time job with benefits. :-)
1.03.2006
Red & Gold Forever!
I just found another sign that I was destined to always be a Niner fan. Taking a small break from work, I logged on to the San Francisco 49ers website and perused the current info. I found the sentence in the stadium facts section of the site:
The sod is technically known as "Tiffway II Bermuda", but in lay terms it is a hybrid of Bermuda with a Perennial Rye over-seed.
Tiffway...hmmm. Don't they mean Tiffany? :-) Yeah, I can rationalize just about anything that could possibly uphold my love of the Niners. :-)
Go Niners! We'll be back...and the word "dynasty" will then once again be uplifted to it's right full place: after San Fransico 49ers. :-)
Patriots who? Yeah, whatever.
The sod is technically known as "Tiffway II Bermuda", but in lay terms it is a hybrid of Bermuda with a Perennial Rye over-seed.
Tiffway...hmmm. Don't they mean Tiffany? :-) Yeah, I can rationalize just about anything that could possibly uphold my love of the Niners. :-)
Go Niners! We'll be back...and the word "dynasty" will then once again be uplifted to it's right full place: after San Fransico 49ers. :-)
Patriots who? Yeah, whatever.
From Sleep Deprivation to Dance
Yeah, it's like that this morning. But it's the opposite of being sleep deprived...actually, it's called Tylenol PM. I had to take a dose last night because I was pretty achy and I wanted to sleep. Instead of taking the 1/2 dose that I usually do, I took a full dose. So now I find myself feeling a bit drugged this morning. It usually wears off by now but there are no signs of that happening yet.
However, something happened last night that was a good thing. I watched a movie that had a music video as one of the extra features. It's a really nice song and inspiring. It inspired me to...dance. So I did - by myself in my living room (well, the upstairs living room) and barefoot. It was so much fun that I replayed the video about another three times. After that, I was so energized that I had to do more. I remembered that I had a few other movies that had music videos on the DVD so I took out those and did the same thing. These aren't hip hop videos or anything like that but they are songs that inspire me to dance. This went on for about an hour. I was getting tired and afraid that I was going to hurt my back so I stopped and watched another movie. But I so enjoyed the time that I did that. It was free-moving, spiritual, relaxing and all-consuming. It felt so great!
I love ballroom dancing but I almost love to dance behind closed doors more. Really, it's like lathargic for me. It's so calming...and it's the only exercise where you sweat that I like. One of the reasons why I love to swim so much is that you don't sweat. But I don't mind sweating when I'm dancing - not at all. :-)
However, something happened last night that was a good thing. I watched a movie that had a music video as one of the extra features. It's a really nice song and inspiring. It inspired me to...dance. So I did - by myself in my living room (well, the upstairs living room) and barefoot. It was so much fun that I replayed the video about another three times. After that, I was so energized that I had to do more. I remembered that I had a few other movies that had music videos on the DVD so I took out those and did the same thing. These aren't hip hop videos or anything like that but they are songs that inspire me to dance. This went on for about an hour. I was getting tired and afraid that I was going to hurt my back so I stopped and watched another movie. But I so enjoyed the time that I did that. It was free-moving, spiritual, relaxing and all-consuming. It felt so great!
I love ballroom dancing but I almost love to dance behind closed doors more. Really, it's like lathargic for me. It's so calming...and it's the only exercise where you sweat that I like. One of the reasons why I love to swim so much is that you don't sweat. But I don't mind sweating when I'm dancing - not at all. :-)
1.02.2006
My New Year's Resolutions
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Because I didn't get to see some of you this New Year, I wanted to make sure that I I wrote the following thoughts on my blog. I hope that you were able to spend a very happy new year with your friends and/or family.
Mine was pretty nice. I had a good time and was able to relax for a little bit.
However, it was also a thinking week for me. I'd like to let you guys in on a few thoughts and resolutions for my new.
Let me begin by saying that I do not think of myself as a very brilliant person or that my advice is always good. But some things have been revealed to me over the past week (well, year, really) that as I grow closer to my 30th year on this planet (77 days and counting), are good to reflect upon. And since I'm reflecting, I thought that maybe, as my friends, you should know what I'm probably going to be concerned with for the next year.
First is that to have friends you first have to be a friend. I'm not sure I've done this so well this year. At times, I have been okay. And at other times, I have really screwed up. But I've learned a lot from the screw ups about myself and my friends. Including the big fact that the people who stuck by me through my difficulties have proven to be my true friends. The people who give me advice that I don't want to hear but know I need to are my true friends. Those who forgive me for my flaws are also my true friends. And those that I do the same for - forgive, advise and stand by - I regard as my true friends. Friendships aren't always peachy keen. There are times where differences will create conflict - Jennie and I know. There was a time about four or five years ago that really tested our friendship (that situation stays between the two of us; so don't ask me what it was). It proved to strengthen it instead of weaken it. So, really, it's how you get past those conflicts that makes your friendship - or breaks it.
Second, there are important things in life and urgent things in life. Don't get them mixed up. The urgent things are our daily tasks: go to work (on time), take out the trash, get gas in the car, mail out that bill before it's too late, etc. The important things in life are those things that make a difference: communicating with our families and friends frequently (making sure that they know they are important to you - I'll be the first to admit that I'm not so great at this but I am determined to get better), serving others at every opportunity and continually growing to be a better person tomorrow than you are today. I am just like everyone else: I put the urgent things before the important things, always. It gets worse every year. This year was one of the hardest for me. Trying to put some of the important things first meant giving up the urgent things; that proved to be too hard at times so I failed. The urgent things won and the important things got pushed aside. We don't know how long we're going to be living on this earth so every day is important. But it's also important to know that there is another day to wake up to; some things you just have to let go and let God take control. He's the only one who knows the number of our days and He's the only one we can truly trust our days with.
Third, take risks. Don't sit on the sideline. Get out and play (and I don't mean just sports). I mean love with abandon, forget your fears and enjoy your life! Don't let the bah-humbugs of the world keep you down. Smile and laugh when they frown and do something that is so unlike you that it baffles them but doesn't define you. One thing that I have realized about myself is that I am a risk-taker. Believe it or not, I take risks everyday. I fought for my dream of being a dancer and guess what? I may not have succeeded the way I wanted but I'm still dancing; and loving every minute of it. I may not have published any of my writing yet but I've gone through the steps toward that goal. Now, all I have to do is take that last step and start submitting some of my stories. Whether I succeed or fail isn't important; it's that I took the risk. How are you going to know if you're good at something if you don't actually try? Lastly, take the risk to love someone: an enemy (which, of course, none of us have, right?), a friend, a family member that needs you but won't admit it or a person you're crushing on. In our world today, we don't "touch" each other enough. Guys are afraid to ask out girls and girls are afraid to say yes to some of the guys that do ask. We live in a culture immersed in divorce, one-night stands and quickie marraiges. But don't sit out of the whole dance. Do a little waltz; if your partner steps on your feet, change partners. Maybe try a swing this time. Find the one that you dance the best with, not the one that everyone thinks you dance the best with. You may have to go through some pretty bad dancers before you find Mr. or Mrs. Right. But if you don't have anything in common with the partner and have no interest, don't give them false hope by continually saying yes just because you want to dance. Respect yourself and them by being real and genuine. You'll both be better for it. And let go of relationships that are going nowhere. If it isn't happening or "growing," then it isn't what God wants for you, period. Take a risk and walk away. If it's meant to be, God will bring it back to you. If not, then you know He has something so much better for you. And that should excite you more about your future.
Fourth, well, it's kinda like number 3 in some ways and number 1 in other ways - feel. Really feel. Don't let the things going on around you get you down so much that you have a "Such is life" attitude. I'm such an example of this sometimes. The old saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade," I found really works. When things get bad, do something to make them better. Don't sit and sulk. Of course, there will be times when we need help. Reach out to someone you trust. Invite them over to help you make that lemonade. Sometimes we forget an important ingredient in lemonade: the sugar, pure real sugar. To me, the sugars are the people in our life that makes us who we are. God didn't make us to be alone: otherwise none of us would be here. There would be only one person and one name: Adam. I have known more than one Adam in my young life so far...and Jennifer's and Rebecca's and Doug's and Patty's and Mike's and Stacy's and Amy's and Susan's and Alis...oops, sorry, I've only known one Alisa. :-) And I like the fact that I've know more than one of all of your names. Each have had something spectacular about them that I felt really special to get to know. Take inventory of your friends and family; find the good in them. Forgive the bad but help them to fix it, too. You wouldn't be a good friend if you didn't care enough to do that.
One side note to number 4: call each other. Talk. In person, on the phone, doesn't matter. We don't call each other back right away. We are too tired or it's too late. So leave a message. We have gotten into the habit of taking talking to one another for granted. I'll be the first to admit that I don't call enough. But I've also learned that some don't call me right back anyway. I will no longer care about that. I may call you more than once in a day (and vice versa): return the call. Don't wait two or three days unless you really can't help it. Being respectful of each other means communicating even when you don't want to; it's another way the urgent things have replaced the important things.
Fifth, and last, celebrate your birthday! Okay, so I'm never going to give up trying to convince everyone I know that their birthday is a very special day. I know that this part of me will never change (even though I've finally given over that my subconscious is a little worried about turning 30). I'll always love to celebrate my birthday and yours - if you let me. Remember that it's the one day every year that you deserve to do something that makes you happy. I realize that sometimes I go overboard on mine but this year I put the planning of it in a friends hands. The only thing you'll be hearing from me is how long you have to prepare (77 days...or did I already mention that?). :-)
Like I said at the beginning of this: I don't pretend to be brilliant or to have advice that we haven't heard before. But this is me we're talking about. I'm a slow learner in everything: school, work, relationships - especially relationships. I just had to get these things out of my mind and written down somewhere and it just fit that I'd do it in a way that you all could read at once and in a central place.
I pray that no matter what happens between you and I, 2006 will be a year of blessings for all - no matter what those blessings entail. It's all good because it's all about God and His will for us. We just have to enjoy the ride. :-)
Because I didn't get to see some of you this New Year, I wanted to make sure that I I wrote the following thoughts on my blog. I hope that you were able to spend a very happy new year with your friends and/or family.
Mine was pretty nice. I had a good time and was able to relax for a little bit.
However, it was also a thinking week for me. I'd like to let you guys in on a few thoughts and resolutions for my new.
Let me begin by saying that I do not think of myself as a very brilliant person or that my advice is always good. But some things have been revealed to me over the past week (well, year, really) that as I grow closer to my 30th year on this planet (77 days and counting), are good to reflect upon. And since I'm reflecting, I thought that maybe, as my friends, you should know what I'm probably going to be concerned with for the next year.
First is that to have friends you first have to be a friend. I'm not sure I've done this so well this year. At times, I have been okay. And at other times, I have really screwed up. But I've learned a lot from the screw ups about myself and my friends. Including the big fact that the people who stuck by me through my difficulties have proven to be my true friends. The people who give me advice that I don't want to hear but know I need to are my true friends. Those who forgive me for my flaws are also my true friends. And those that I do the same for - forgive, advise and stand by - I regard as my true friends. Friendships aren't always peachy keen. There are times where differences will create conflict - Jennie and I know. There was a time about four or five years ago that really tested our friendship (that situation stays between the two of us; so don't ask me what it was). It proved to strengthen it instead of weaken it. So, really, it's how you get past those conflicts that makes your friendship - or breaks it.
Second, there are important things in life and urgent things in life. Don't get them mixed up. The urgent things are our daily tasks: go to work (on time), take out the trash, get gas in the car, mail out that bill before it's too late, etc. The important things in life are those things that make a difference: communicating with our families and friends frequently (making sure that they know they are important to you - I'll be the first to admit that I'm not so great at this but I am determined to get better), serving others at every opportunity and continually growing to be a better person tomorrow than you are today. I am just like everyone else: I put the urgent things before the important things, always. It gets worse every year. This year was one of the hardest for me. Trying to put some of the important things first meant giving up the urgent things; that proved to be too hard at times so I failed. The urgent things won and the important things got pushed aside. We don't know how long we're going to be living on this earth so every day is important. But it's also important to know that there is another day to wake up to; some things you just have to let go and let God take control. He's the only one who knows the number of our days and He's the only one we can truly trust our days with.
Third, take risks. Don't sit on the sideline. Get out and play (and I don't mean just sports). I mean love with abandon, forget your fears and enjoy your life! Don't let the bah-humbugs of the world keep you down. Smile and laugh when they frown and do something that is so unlike you that it baffles them but doesn't define you. One thing that I have realized about myself is that I am a risk-taker. Believe it or not, I take risks everyday. I fought for my dream of being a dancer and guess what? I may not have succeeded the way I wanted but I'm still dancing; and loving every minute of it. I may not have published any of my writing yet but I've gone through the steps toward that goal. Now, all I have to do is take that last step and start submitting some of my stories. Whether I succeed or fail isn't important; it's that I took the risk. How are you going to know if you're good at something if you don't actually try? Lastly, take the risk to love someone: an enemy (which, of course, none of us have, right?), a friend, a family member that needs you but won't admit it or a person you're crushing on. In our world today, we don't "touch" each other enough. Guys are afraid to ask out girls and girls are afraid to say yes to some of the guys that do ask. We live in a culture immersed in divorce, one-night stands and quickie marraiges. But don't sit out of the whole dance. Do a little waltz; if your partner steps on your feet, change partners. Maybe try a swing this time. Find the one that you dance the best with, not the one that everyone thinks you dance the best with. You may have to go through some pretty bad dancers before you find Mr. or Mrs. Right. But if you don't have anything in common with the partner and have no interest, don't give them false hope by continually saying yes just because you want to dance. Respect yourself and them by being real and genuine. You'll both be better for it. And let go of relationships that are going nowhere. If it isn't happening or "growing," then it isn't what God wants for you, period. Take a risk and walk away. If it's meant to be, God will bring it back to you. If not, then you know He has something so much better for you. And that should excite you more about your future.
Fourth, well, it's kinda like number 3 in some ways and number 1 in other ways - feel. Really feel. Don't let the things going on around you get you down so much that you have a "Such is life" attitude. I'm such an example of this sometimes. The old saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade," I found really works. When things get bad, do something to make them better. Don't sit and sulk. Of course, there will be times when we need help. Reach out to someone you trust. Invite them over to help you make that lemonade. Sometimes we forget an important ingredient in lemonade: the sugar, pure real sugar. To me, the sugars are the people in our life that makes us who we are. God didn't make us to be alone: otherwise none of us would be here. There would be only one person and one name: Adam. I have known more than one Adam in my young life so far...and Jennifer's and Rebecca's and Doug's and Patty's and Mike's and Stacy's and Amy's and Susan's and Alis...oops, sorry, I've only known one Alisa. :-) And I like the fact that I've know more than one of all of your names. Each have had something spectacular about them that I felt really special to get to know. Take inventory of your friends and family; find the good in them. Forgive the bad but help them to fix it, too. You wouldn't be a good friend if you didn't care enough to do that.
One side note to number 4: call each other. Talk. In person, on the phone, doesn't matter. We don't call each other back right away. We are too tired or it's too late. So leave a message. We have gotten into the habit of taking talking to one another for granted. I'll be the first to admit that I don't call enough. But I've also learned that some don't call me right back anyway. I will no longer care about that. I may call you more than once in a day (and vice versa): return the call. Don't wait two or three days unless you really can't help it. Being respectful of each other means communicating even when you don't want to; it's another way the urgent things have replaced the important things.
Fifth, and last, celebrate your birthday! Okay, so I'm never going to give up trying to convince everyone I know that their birthday is a very special day. I know that this part of me will never change (even though I've finally given over that my subconscious is a little worried about turning 30). I'll always love to celebrate my birthday and yours - if you let me. Remember that it's the one day every year that you deserve to do something that makes you happy. I realize that sometimes I go overboard on mine but this year I put the planning of it in a friends hands. The only thing you'll be hearing from me is how long you have to prepare (77 days...or did I already mention that?). :-)
Like I said at the beginning of this: I don't pretend to be brilliant or to have advice that we haven't heard before. But this is me we're talking about. I'm a slow learner in everything: school, work, relationships - especially relationships. I just had to get these things out of my mind and written down somewhere and it just fit that I'd do it in a way that you all could read at once and in a central place.
I pray that no matter what happens between you and I, 2006 will be a year of blessings for all - no matter what those blessings entail. It's all good because it's all about God and His will for us. We just have to enjoy the ride. :-)
12.29.2005
End Begin
Do you ever just want to start over? Just throw in the towel, move away and start in a new place, where nobody knows you and you have a different job? Like the anti-Cheers version of life.
That's how I feel right now. How is it that I even have friends? I mean, I don't set out to ruin friendships and relationships, it just somehow happens. The problem is that I kinda like the real me. I mean, I don't keep things to myself - granted that I don't always go about it the right way but sometimes you can't see what the right way is until you use the wrong way. That's how we learn.
I also am taking some risks with my life and pursuing goals. I may fall completely flat on my face but at least I will have no regrets. I may not have a lot of money but what I do have is spent on things that I need or things that will help out others. For example, all the parties I do are fun for me but they are only fun because my friends enjoy them and I feel like I've been able to serve them in a good way. I dislike having people come over and them having to work. I want them to eat off of real dishes, have a nice meal that's been prepared just for them, to not have to clean up after themselves and to enjoy each others company. It's my gift to them. But it's also their gift to me; because I enjoy throwing those kind of parties. It's a win-win. If I have $100 to spend on groceries, I'd always rather spend it on groceries for a dinner party than just for myself. Of course, that will change when I have my own family but as a single young professional, that's how I feel. This is only one example of what I like to do with the little money I do have.
Pretty much everyone I know knows me in and out for the most part. They know my flaws, my perfections (the few I have) and my insecurities. Most respect them because they know I mean no harm and am trying. Others can't accept them and that's okay. But it hurts that though I'm trying, I know there will be friends that end up non-friends. You can't please everybody no matter how hard you try because you'll always have moments in your life that will disappoint them. It's up to you to do better next time and for them to forgive you at some point. Plus, you have to forgive yourself for everything you do. You are your worst critic. It's much harder to forgive yourself sometimes than others. But you need to do it. Don't forget what you did; learn from it and move on.
So, New Year's Resolution number 4 for me is: Learn the fact that everybody you meet is not going to like you, no matter what you do. Accept it and move on. We're all created different for a reason.
Let's recap. So far I have 4 New Year's Resolutions. They are:
1) Learn to keep my mouth shut when things are out of my hands because I made them that way.
2) Be a person that deserves to have a fun 30th birthday party.
3) Back off a little; try not to be so selfish and assuming no matter what the situation is.
4) Accept the fact that not everyone is going to like me and move on. Don't cry over spilt milk.
Tall order, you think? It may be tall but it has to happen. Though I can't be perfect, I can be a better person than I am at this moment. We all can be better. We just have to come out of our self-imposed denial and accept that we aren't perfect. However, He has shown us how to strive for perfection and that's a goal worth reaching.
That's how I feel right now. How is it that I even have friends? I mean, I don't set out to ruin friendships and relationships, it just somehow happens. The problem is that I kinda like the real me. I mean, I don't keep things to myself - granted that I don't always go about it the right way but sometimes you can't see what the right way is until you use the wrong way. That's how we learn.
I also am taking some risks with my life and pursuing goals. I may fall completely flat on my face but at least I will have no regrets. I may not have a lot of money but what I do have is spent on things that I need or things that will help out others. For example, all the parties I do are fun for me but they are only fun because my friends enjoy them and I feel like I've been able to serve them in a good way. I dislike having people come over and them having to work. I want them to eat off of real dishes, have a nice meal that's been prepared just for them, to not have to clean up after themselves and to enjoy each others company. It's my gift to them. But it's also their gift to me; because I enjoy throwing those kind of parties. It's a win-win. If I have $100 to spend on groceries, I'd always rather spend it on groceries for a dinner party than just for myself. Of course, that will change when I have my own family but as a single young professional, that's how I feel. This is only one example of what I like to do with the little money I do have.
Pretty much everyone I know knows me in and out for the most part. They know my flaws, my perfections (the few I have) and my insecurities. Most respect them because they know I mean no harm and am trying. Others can't accept them and that's okay. But it hurts that though I'm trying, I know there will be friends that end up non-friends. You can't please everybody no matter how hard you try because you'll always have moments in your life that will disappoint them. It's up to you to do better next time and for them to forgive you at some point. Plus, you have to forgive yourself for everything you do. You are your worst critic. It's much harder to forgive yourself sometimes than others. But you need to do it. Don't forget what you did; learn from it and move on.
So, New Year's Resolution number 4 for me is: Learn the fact that everybody you meet is not going to like you, no matter what you do. Accept it and move on. We're all created different for a reason.
Let's recap. So far I have 4 New Year's Resolutions. They are:
1) Learn to keep my mouth shut when things are out of my hands because I made them that way.
2) Be a person that deserves to have a fun 30th birthday party.
3) Back off a little; try not to be so selfish and assuming no matter what the situation is.
4) Accept the fact that not everyone is going to like me and move on. Don't cry over spilt milk.
Tall order, you think? It may be tall but it has to happen. Though I can't be perfect, I can be a better person than I am at this moment. We all can be better. We just have to come out of our self-imposed denial and accept that we aren't perfect. However, He has shown us how to strive for perfection and that's a goal worth reaching.
12.28.2005
Christmas & New Year's Letter
Being that I found out today that a few more people read my blog than I originally thought, I will be publishing my Christmas/New Year's letter as soon as I get home tonight. I usually send a letter at least once a year around Spring to my family and friends in California, Oregon and elsewhere outside of Indiana. I didn't get to this year so instead of Christmas cards, I send my annual letter (on cute snowman paper, no less). :-)
Okay, so this day will not end. I'm about ready to step outside this building and give the most blood-curdling scream I've ever done! Work is back and forth; I can't seem to please any of my friends in any way (I'm about ready to shut off my cell phone but I can't because I'm waiting for one more call) and I have to work at the studio - including going home, getting the dog and his play pen and setting it up in the studio for him to stay during my lessons in a period of 75 minutes - and the studio will have more fresh paint. Though, that is mainly a good thing. ;-)
But I think, after today, I can breathe slightly. At least, I can once I know my parents are safely in California. Yeah, their flight was overbooked; lucky for them, they get two $400 vouchers and fly first class tomorrow morning. However, they chose to stay in Indy instead of driving back. So, I still have to rush all day caring for the dog and working two jobs. Dinner? Only if I'm lucky. I barely ate lunch. And I still will be on edge because yesterday mom and I had an account put into my name "in case something happens to them." I know things will be fine but I just can't shake that thought until they are safely on the ground 2,000 miles west of me.
I so am convinced and now completely determined to find one full-time job with benefits in the next few months. I need some sort of job security to push down my stress level. And having a significant other would be nice, too. There has to be someone out there that likes me that I like back the same way. It would so help me right now. Of course, it won't happen before New Year's but maybe, just maybe before the end of January? Is that okay to ask, Lord? But whatever Your Will is is best - I know that. It's just hard sometimes to be in this head. There are just times I want out! But just for a moment of peace; I wouldn't be me if I was unstressed and unorganized for too long - as y'all know. ;-)
Okay, so this day will not end. I'm about ready to step outside this building and give the most blood-curdling scream I've ever done! Work is back and forth; I can't seem to please any of my friends in any way (I'm about ready to shut off my cell phone but I can't because I'm waiting for one more call) and I have to work at the studio - including going home, getting the dog and his play pen and setting it up in the studio for him to stay during my lessons in a period of 75 minutes - and the studio will have more fresh paint. Though, that is mainly a good thing. ;-)
But I think, after today, I can breathe slightly. At least, I can once I know my parents are safely in California. Yeah, their flight was overbooked; lucky for them, they get two $400 vouchers and fly first class tomorrow morning. However, they chose to stay in Indy instead of driving back. So, I still have to rush all day caring for the dog and working two jobs. Dinner? Only if I'm lucky. I barely ate lunch. And I still will be on edge because yesterday mom and I had an account put into my name "in case something happens to them." I know things will be fine but I just can't shake that thought until they are safely on the ground 2,000 miles west of me.
I so am convinced and now completely determined to find one full-time job with benefits in the next few months. I need some sort of job security to push down my stress level. And having a significant other would be nice, too. There has to be someone out there that likes me that I like back the same way. It would so help me right now. Of course, it won't happen before New Year's but maybe, just maybe before the end of January? Is that okay to ask, Lord? But whatever Your Will is is best - I know that. It's just hard sometimes to be in this head. There are just times I want out! But just for a moment of peace; I wouldn't be me if I was unstressed and unorganized for too long - as y'all know. ;-)
Twenty Year Itch...30 Year Itch
Twenty Year Itch
She knew me twenty years
Put up with my adventurous roving
Through dusty, dry destinations,
Cracked surface made by anger from below,
To lush, glorious green gardens, touched
By the hand of God
Kept alive by outpouring of joy
From above
Family vacations, school trips
Weekends to nowhere
She cuddled me, cooed me like her infant
Loved me with concrete arms stretched
Like rubber bands
Where was born safety
Death no option, for this child
Twenty years hand in hand
We lived
Till parting
Sweet sorrow one last goodbye
To a mother who took me places
Let me abuse her with revolving rubber
Tears welled but mystery lay beyond
Eastward
No looking back
Concrete arms ended and new began
As I crossed over into Nevada
This wasn't my first poem but it was one of the better ones (exactly, not a poet am I?). Wanting to be a writer doesn't mean that I'm always a good one; it means that I'm trying and that I have a goal, a desire. And that's also what I'm doing in other parts of my life. Apparently, not very well, either. No matter how hard I try, I always end up the bad guy or the one who has "misinterpreted/misunderstood" the situation. I'm at a loss as to how this always happens. What is it that is wrong with me? How is it that I'm always the one that needs to apologize? Am I that bad of a listener and jump to conclusions too quickly? Is it always my fault? I'm so careful to try and respect everyone's wishes and to give over my wants for others. For the last year and a half, however, I've tried to not cater to everyone else's whims because it only made me feel worse and worse to have to go along with what everyone else wanted and not do anything that I really wanted. Maybe I have gone too far the other way. That has to be it. I just want too much now. So now, for my New Year's Resolution, I'll try to back off a little. I just don't want to fall back to where I used to be because that was no fun and far too depressing.
I promised myself that I wouldn't be that way again. Yes, I still have bad days here and there but they are less than they used to be - and that's partly attributed to me paying attention to not being taken advantage of so much. If there's really something I want to do, I do it; instead of giving over to everyone else's desires all the time.
And when those bad days happen, I am strong enough to call people and let them know that I'm feeling bad and need help. It has been helping. It's also been helping that I'm getting rid of things in my life that I don't need (bad-for-me-and-everyone-else food, material things, clothes that are too big or too small - basically all the clutter in my life). I'm saving money, re-arranging my priorities and talking to my family more often, too. I've taken care of issues that needed to have closure and doing things that interest me (like working football and basketball games at IU). I need to also be talking to my friends more often over the phone instead of e-mail. However, that's kinda hard when your schedule is so different than their's that the only time you have to call and talk is when they're already in bed.
E-mail can be a life-saver at times but, mostly, it has the ability to complicate your life further. You just can't say what you need to appropriately in an e-mail. Even when you're careful, it still comes across not exactly how you wanted. However, it doesn't matter if I say it or write it, it always ends the same way: with me apologizing for misterpreting. It's never the other way around even when it should be. There was a time a couple years ago when a new friend of mine and I had a brief encounter at a party. This person was joking around with the rest of us but chose to take offense at my comment, which wasn't any different than what he was saying to everyone else. In fact, he was alienating every woman in the room. He looked me straight in the eye and said something to hurt me; he really wasn't joking. I covered my hurt by saying something back that wasn't directed at him specifically and was a "safe" comment. The conversation ended there and went a different direction. I realized that maybe my comment had hit a nerve no one knew about (and I definitely wouldn't have because I didn't know him very well yet) so I decided to apologize and explain why I was apologizing; even though it wasn't malicious and was all part of our joking repertoire at the time. I let him know that I came to this conclusion because it was obvious to everyone that he meant to hurt me (he did; but I hid that fact) which meant that I inadvertantly hurt him and I was very sorry about that. Well, he never even acknowledged my apology. He didn't write me back or call me or say anything about it. And he didn't apologize; when, in fact, he should have been the one to apologize in the first place, not me.
So, you see, I just can't win - ever. I need to learn that and move on. My skin has to get thicker and I have to learn that there are always going to be people in my life that are stronger than me so they'll always win unless I put my foot down when it's the right time to do so. But I never know when that is. I fear that I never will.
She knew me twenty years
Put up with my adventurous roving
Through dusty, dry destinations,
Cracked surface made by anger from below,
To lush, glorious green gardens, touched
By the hand of God
Kept alive by outpouring of joy
From above
Family vacations, school trips
Weekends to nowhere
She cuddled me, cooed me like her infant
Loved me with concrete arms stretched
Like rubber bands
Where was born safety
Death no option, for this child
Twenty years hand in hand
We lived
Till parting
Sweet sorrow one last goodbye
To a mother who took me places
Let me abuse her with revolving rubber
Tears welled but mystery lay beyond
Eastward
No looking back
Concrete arms ended and new began
As I crossed over into Nevada
This wasn't my first poem but it was one of the better ones (exactly, not a poet am I?). Wanting to be a writer doesn't mean that I'm always a good one; it means that I'm trying and that I have a goal, a desire. And that's also what I'm doing in other parts of my life. Apparently, not very well, either. No matter how hard I try, I always end up the bad guy or the one who has "misinterpreted/misunderstood" the situation. I'm at a loss as to how this always happens. What is it that is wrong with me? How is it that I'm always the one that needs to apologize? Am I that bad of a listener and jump to conclusions too quickly? Is it always my fault? I'm so careful to try and respect everyone's wishes and to give over my wants for others. For the last year and a half, however, I've tried to not cater to everyone else's whims because it only made me feel worse and worse to have to go along with what everyone else wanted and not do anything that I really wanted. Maybe I have gone too far the other way. That has to be it. I just want too much now. So now, for my New Year's Resolution, I'll try to back off a little. I just don't want to fall back to where I used to be because that was no fun and far too depressing.
I promised myself that I wouldn't be that way again. Yes, I still have bad days here and there but they are less than they used to be - and that's partly attributed to me paying attention to not being taken advantage of so much. If there's really something I want to do, I do it; instead of giving over to everyone else's desires all the time.
And when those bad days happen, I am strong enough to call people and let them know that I'm feeling bad and need help. It has been helping. It's also been helping that I'm getting rid of things in my life that I don't need (bad-for-me-and-everyone-else food, material things, clothes that are too big or too small - basically all the clutter in my life). I'm saving money, re-arranging my priorities and talking to my family more often, too. I've taken care of issues that needed to have closure and doing things that interest me (like working football and basketball games at IU). I need to also be talking to my friends more often over the phone instead of e-mail. However, that's kinda hard when your schedule is so different than their's that the only time you have to call and talk is when they're already in bed.
E-mail can be a life-saver at times but, mostly, it has the ability to complicate your life further. You just can't say what you need to appropriately in an e-mail. Even when you're careful, it still comes across not exactly how you wanted. However, it doesn't matter if I say it or write it, it always ends the same way: with me apologizing for misterpreting. It's never the other way around even when it should be. There was a time a couple years ago when a new friend of mine and I had a brief encounter at a party. This person was joking around with the rest of us but chose to take offense at my comment, which wasn't any different than what he was saying to everyone else. In fact, he was alienating every woman in the room. He looked me straight in the eye and said something to hurt me; he really wasn't joking. I covered my hurt by saying something back that wasn't directed at him specifically and was a "safe" comment. The conversation ended there and went a different direction. I realized that maybe my comment had hit a nerve no one knew about (and I definitely wouldn't have because I didn't know him very well yet) so I decided to apologize and explain why I was apologizing; even though it wasn't malicious and was all part of our joking repertoire at the time. I let him know that I came to this conclusion because it was obvious to everyone that he meant to hurt me (he did; but I hid that fact) which meant that I inadvertantly hurt him and I was very sorry about that. Well, he never even acknowledged my apology. He didn't write me back or call me or say anything about it. And he didn't apologize; when, in fact, he should have been the one to apologize in the first place, not me.
So, you see, I just can't win - ever. I need to learn that and move on. My skin has to get thicker and I have to learn that there are always going to be people in my life that are stronger than me so they'll always win unless I put my foot down when it's the right time to do so. But I never know when that is. I fear that I never will.
12.27.2005
Christmas and the Chaos
So, not that anyone really reads this (I don't think most of my friends really care about blogs), but I have a couple things on my mind. First, Christmas was good. My mom had a very, very good Christmas. She got the Christmas dishes she's wanted for the last 15 years; which means that my stepdad and I are finally rid of the guilt and shame we have carried from buying her the wrong ones all those years ago. It's nice to have that burden lifted.
Because her current Christmas dishes were discontinued years ago and I don't have any, I'm buying them from her for a very good price. Now, I have Christmas dishes. Woo Hoo! :-)
I also got a Poker/Blackjack tabletop for Christmas. I'm hoping to use it on New Year's Eve. We'll see what happens at the party. We don't even know who is going to show up because there is a few other things going on, too - and I kind of went a little too far in some ways. I wouldn't blame people if they didn't want to spend any time with me. But, hopefully, we'll have a good group. And I now have New Year's Resolution Number 1 for myself: learn to keep my mouth shut when things are out of my hands.
On another note, I've left planning my 30th birthday party in the hands of one of my friends (though I'm half-thinking that maybe I don't deserve a 30th birthday party; maybe I should be alone on that day like every New Year's seems to turn out - this would be the first New Year's that I'll spend with friends but I've already alienated one of them so I'm back where I started; I'm not meant to have a stress-free New Year's Eve - ever apparently). I trust her to do something nice (of course, I've also already told her what I absolutely didn't want and some ideas of what might be fun). Other than that, she has four rules to go by: I want as many family and friends there that can come (no limit), my mom to make my cake, lots of Salami and to have fun. That's it. I even gave her permission to joke about turning 30 years old, show embarassing photos of me growing up and to even have a theme birthday. I just want to be with the people I love and have a good time (and for them to have a good time, too). I don't even care about gifts. I'd be more appreciative of people being present than sending a gift.
New Years Resolution #2: Be a person that deserves to have a fun 30th birthday party.
Oh, by the way, my birthday is 83 days away...and counting. :-)
Because her current Christmas dishes were discontinued years ago and I don't have any, I'm buying them from her for a very good price. Now, I have Christmas dishes. Woo Hoo! :-)
I also got a Poker/Blackjack tabletop for Christmas. I'm hoping to use it on New Year's Eve. We'll see what happens at the party. We don't even know who is going to show up because there is a few other things going on, too - and I kind of went a little too far in some ways. I wouldn't blame people if they didn't want to spend any time with me. But, hopefully, we'll have a good group. And I now have New Year's Resolution Number 1 for myself: learn to keep my mouth shut when things are out of my hands.
On another note, I've left planning my 30th birthday party in the hands of one of my friends (though I'm half-thinking that maybe I don't deserve a 30th birthday party; maybe I should be alone on that day like every New Year's seems to turn out - this would be the first New Year's that I'll spend with friends but I've already alienated one of them so I'm back where I started; I'm not meant to have a stress-free New Year's Eve - ever apparently). I trust her to do something nice (of course, I've also already told her what I absolutely didn't want and some ideas of what might be fun). Other than that, she has four rules to go by: I want as many family and friends there that can come (no limit), my mom to make my cake, lots of Salami and to have fun. That's it. I even gave her permission to joke about turning 30 years old, show embarassing photos of me growing up and to even have a theme birthday. I just want to be with the people I love and have a good time (and for them to have a good time, too). I don't even care about gifts. I'd be more appreciative of people being present than sending a gift.
New Years Resolution #2: Be a person that deserves to have a fun 30th birthday party.
Oh, by the way, my birthday is 83 days away...and counting. :-)
12.20.2005
Definition of Definition
Is it bad that I have to look up the definition of the definition of Mirriam-Webster's word of the day? Upon reading further, they did add some thoughts on the word that were more than adequate for me to absorb. However, if they hadn't added that nice paragraph, I'd be looking up also what servile meant so I'd understand exactly what sequacious meant (definition: intellectually servile).
However, this little research led me to discover a new word that I like: glabrous. I'd use it this way: I wish that I had arms as glabrous as my palms. Meaning: I wish I had hairless arms, just like my palms. Our palms never have hair; a fact that I didn't know until now. I feel smarter even if, technically, I may not be smarter. :-)
Sometimes I think that the "smart" people get bored with everyday words and come up with new ones just to frustrate the rest of us. I can visualize the scene: 6-8 people sitting around a poker table, all not too impressed with their hands and not really having that much fun, conversing about how Poker is a treacherous unintelligible game to which they decide to quite and pick up a scrabble board. With a sudden rush of adrenaline at the thought of putting 26 letters together to form what we call "words," they decide to try to one up each other by creating new words not found in the dictionary. The rules also include that you have explain where the word came from (meaning what other words were used to make it up) and that they have to use it in a sentence. I feel that the words with the highest scores were voted in to the next years dictionary as a way to frustrate the rest of us and help them feel even more pompous.
Then again, the rest of us make up words all the time without them knowing. How those get into the dictionary will be a mystery forever. I mean, who ever came up with the word confuzzled?! I have to wonder what the circumstances were for someone to have to find a new word to describe the fact that they were "confused and puzzled" all at the same time. Isn't that the same thing? Americans, go figure. :-)
However, this little research led me to discover a new word that I like: glabrous. I'd use it this way: I wish that I had arms as glabrous as my palms. Meaning: I wish I had hairless arms, just like my palms. Our palms never have hair; a fact that I didn't know until now. I feel smarter even if, technically, I may not be smarter. :-)
Sometimes I think that the "smart" people get bored with everyday words and come up with new ones just to frustrate the rest of us. I can visualize the scene: 6-8 people sitting around a poker table, all not too impressed with their hands and not really having that much fun, conversing about how Poker is a treacherous unintelligible game to which they decide to quite and pick up a scrabble board. With a sudden rush of adrenaline at the thought of putting 26 letters together to form what we call "words," they decide to try to one up each other by creating new words not found in the dictionary. The rules also include that you have explain where the word came from (meaning what other words were used to make it up) and that they have to use it in a sentence. I feel that the words with the highest scores were voted in to the next years dictionary as a way to frustrate the rest of us and help them feel even more pompous.
Then again, the rest of us make up words all the time without them knowing. How those get into the dictionary will be a mystery forever. I mean, who ever came up with the word confuzzled?! I have to wonder what the circumstances were for someone to have to find a new word to describe the fact that they were "confused and puzzled" all at the same time. Isn't that the same thing? Americans, go figure. :-)
12.19.2005
Frustration...and everything else
Every year it's the same: no date for New Year's. Not that it's really that important, but it would be nice to have a boyfriend so all of these holidays wouldn't be so lonely. I now have a lot of friends who are "attached" in some way. And if they aren't, they still end up having a date on New Year's. I will be home, alone with our dog for New Year's. How pathetic is that?
There is a slight possibility of a New Year's party/Poker Night but I'm not holding my breath. So far, there are only two of us interested. It just would be nice if for once I had a date with a guy that is fun and we have a mutual attraction - even if it's not supposed to last. But that's too much to ask for a girl like me.
It's just really frustrating to keep up this facade that I'm okay with how my life seems like it's going to go: alone. No boyfriend (which means no husband), no kids, no home of my own, etc. I can't even find a proper career. Again, I ask: how pathetic am I?
And it isn't easy to swallow how people (including my own mother) make comments like "You're a beautiful girl. How come you don't have a boyfriend or aren't married?" How in the world am I supposed to answer those questions?! I have no idea! I'm as clueless as everyone else! I'm not saying that I think I'm beautiful but I've come to realize that I'm not as ugly as I once thought: I am decent-looking and I am petite. Still, that seems to not really matter. My personality is pretty fun at times and I'm pretty easy to get along with. I have my flaws (physical and mental) like everyone else but I work hard on being a good person. Again, that doesn't seem to matter either.
Then others keep giving me advice or telling me how I am. "You just need to ask him yourself," "You give out certain vibes when you don't want to be around a guy," "You need to do the internet dating thing," or, my favorite, "You need to be more open to going out with different guys." I nearly scream out loud everytime I hear that one. I AM NOT GOING TO DATE SOMEONE WHO GOES AGAINST EVERY MORAL AND BELIEF I HAVE, PERIOD. And in reference to the former comments: I will not be the pursuer - he needs to pursue me as God says that he should; Of course, I'm going to give out "get away" vibes if it's a creepy guy; I now know for a fact that very, very few internet dates work out (including eharmony.com).
To be honest, I think that it is the men in our generation who have the problem but that we've (women) created that problem. I'm not against feminism but it has gone too far in some areas - especially dating. I have been out with one guy that I remember who would not allow me to open my own door. He was a gentleman in every way. Apparently, some feminists have screwed up the whole idea of chivalry. It's become a bad side effect from the whole movement. In addition to the non-door opening or being courteous, now our men think that we should be pursuing them and/or have become too intimidated to ask us out. I'm sorry, I didn't order that change. It's not supposed to work the other way around. He asks and you accept or you don't, period. Now, even when you're both interested, he won't ask you out because he doesn't want to offend you. And if you ask him, it hurts his pride and you end up not going out because of that.
Guys - you need to stop the insanity! Ask us out or at least get an idea if we're interested and then ask us out. We want to be pursued. We want to feel as if we're the most beautiful girl in the world in your eyes. But most of us aren't supermodels or beautiful actresses. Then again they have as many flaws as the rest of us "normal" girls do - they just have enough money to hide them all. And "normal" girls can give you what others can't, our respect, love and adoration. We'll return what you give to us. Sometimes you don't deserve our love and sometimes we don't deserve yours but that's how you show someone how much you love them - and remind each other that you're on this earth together. It's really that simple. If you love us, we'll love you. And I do believe that there is one person out there for everyone. It's why some of us don't get married to the person we think were meant for us. For some reason, it doesn't feel right - and maybe a few weeks, months or a year later we realize why. We meet someone new; someone who becomes our wife/husband and who we do want to spend the rest of our lives with; who we can't live without (and vice versa).
And don't say that I'm being romantic. I'm being realistic. I'm saying what we all want to say out loud but don't have the guts to - even most men want this. We all want to be in a loving relationship for the rest of our lives. No one really and truly wants to be in mediocre relationships or with "someone who is suitable." We're just too lazy to work at anything. Relationships are work; I don't personally know because I've never been in one but I've seen enough to be convinced of this fact. The ones who work hard, respect each other and really truly love the other - all those relationships work out. But when one of the two throws in the towel early - that's a shame and a calamity. In most cases I've seen, the lazy one always comes running back but it's too late. It's sad, too. They screwed up the best thing in their life because they were either being too selfish or wanted everything handed to them on a silver platter with golden toothpicks and caviar (which is really gross; how could anyone like the stuff just because it's expensive?). Everything is work, people - especially love.
Okay - I'm off my soapbox now. I guess that I'm getting a little nervous. I told my friends and my family that turning 30 isn't going to be a problem for me. But I think I have yet to convince my subconscious. Yeah, maybe I am just a little worried that I'm turning 30 and I've never had a boyfriend/real dating relationship. It would be nice to be kissed for the first time. Yeah, the movie "Never Been Kissed" could have been based on my life (including the journalism degree - I'm not a journalist but I was supposed to be; I just work at the newspaper in advertising instead - a little off the mark but a foot-in-the-door, right?). Unfortunately, I don't have an ending. The rate that I'm going, I won't ever have an ending. I don't even have a beginning.
There is a slight possibility of a New Year's party/Poker Night but I'm not holding my breath. So far, there are only two of us interested. It just would be nice if for once I had a date with a guy that is fun and we have a mutual attraction - even if it's not supposed to last. But that's too much to ask for a girl like me.
It's just really frustrating to keep up this facade that I'm okay with how my life seems like it's going to go: alone. No boyfriend (which means no husband), no kids, no home of my own, etc. I can't even find a proper career. Again, I ask: how pathetic am I?
And it isn't easy to swallow how people (including my own mother) make comments like "You're a beautiful girl. How come you don't have a boyfriend or aren't married?" How in the world am I supposed to answer those questions?! I have no idea! I'm as clueless as everyone else! I'm not saying that I think I'm beautiful but I've come to realize that I'm not as ugly as I once thought: I am decent-looking and I am petite. Still, that seems to not really matter. My personality is pretty fun at times and I'm pretty easy to get along with. I have my flaws (physical and mental) like everyone else but I work hard on being a good person. Again, that doesn't seem to matter either.
Then others keep giving me advice or telling me how I am. "You just need to ask him yourself," "You give out certain vibes when you don't want to be around a guy," "You need to do the internet dating thing," or, my favorite, "You need to be more open to going out with different guys." I nearly scream out loud everytime I hear that one. I AM NOT GOING TO DATE SOMEONE WHO GOES AGAINST EVERY MORAL AND BELIEF I HAVE, PERIOD. And in reference to the former comments: I will not be the pursuer - he needs to pursue me as God says that he should; Of course, I'm going to give out "get away" vibes if it's a creepy guy; I now know for a fact that very, very few internet dates work out (including eharmony.com).
To be honest, I think that it is the men in our generation who have the problem but that we've (women) created that problem. I'm not against feminism but it has gone too far in some areas - especially dating. I have been out with one guy that I remember who would not allow me to open my own door. He was a gentleman in every way. Apparently, some feminists have screwed up the whole idea of chivalry. It's become a bad side effect from the whole movement. In addition to the non-door opening or being courteous, now our men think that we should be pursuing them and/or have become too intimidated to ask us out. I'm sorry, I didn't order that change. It's not supposed to work the other way around. He asks and you accept or you don't, period. Now, even when you're both interested, he won't ask you out because he doesn't want to offend you. And if you ask him, it hurts his pride and you end up not going out because of that.
Guys - you need to stop the insanity! Ask us out or at least get an idea if we're interested and then ask us out. We want to be pursued. We want to feel as if we're the most beautiful girl in the world in your eyes. But most of us aren't supermodels or beautiful actresses. Then again they have as many flaws as the rest of us "normal" girls do - they just have enough money to hide them all. And "normal" girls can give you what others can't, our respect, love and adoration. We'll return what you give to us. Sometimes you don't deserve our love and sometimes we don't deserve yours but that's how you show someone how much you love them - and remind each other that you're on this earth together. It's really that simple. If you love us, we'll love you. And I do believe that there is one person out there for everyone. It's why some of us don't get married to the person we think were meant for us. For some reason, it doesn't feel right - and maybe a few weeks, months or a year later we realize why. We meet someone new; someone who becomes our wife/husband and who we do want to spend the rest of our lives with; who we can't live without (and vice versa).
And don't say that I'm being romantic. I'm being realistic. I'm saying what we all want to say out loud but don't have the guts to - even most men want this. We all want to be in a loving relationship for the rest of our lives. No one really and truly wants to be in mediocre relationships or with "someone who is suitable." We're just too lazy to work at anything. Relationships are work; I don't personally know because I've never been in one but I've seen enough to be convinced of this fact. The ones who work hard, respect each other and really truly love the other - all those relationships work out. But when one of the two throws in the towel early - that's a shame and a calamity. In most cases I've seen, the lazy one always comes running back but it's too late. It's sad, too. They screwed up the best thing in their life because they were either being too selfish or wanted everything handed to them on a silver platter with golden toothpicks and caviar (which is really gross; how could anyone like the stuff just because it's expensive?). Everything is work, people - especially love.
Okay - I'm off my soapbox now. I guess that I'm getting a little nervous. I told my friends and my family that turning 30 isn't going to be a problem for me. But I think I have yet to convince my subconscious. Yeah, maybe I am just a little worried that I'm turning 30 and I've never had a boyfriend/real dating relationship. It would be nice to be kissed for the first time. Yeah, the movie "Never Been Kissed" could have been based on my life (including the journalism degree - I'm not a journalist but I was supposed to be; I just work at the newspaper in advertising instead - a little off the mark but a foot-in-the-door, right?). Unfortunately, I don't have an ending. The rate that I'm going, I won't ever have an ending. I don't even have a beginning.
12.12.2005
Relief...
That's what I felt when he walked in. That's all I felt. No butterflies, no super excitement, just relief. And, at this moment (a couple hours after having lunch with him, Barbara and Matt), I'm comfortable and my mind is clear. I know now that we are meant to be friends and that's all.
It's such a big relief; although, I'm back at square one. But at least I have some answers and can move on with my life. I might go visit him but if there happens to be any lingering feelings on his end that I cannot return, that will have to stop right quick.
The problem is that everyone loved him. "He's such a doll!" "What a nice guy!" "He's a neat guy and intelligent." Yes, he is all those things but for some reason the thought of him and I as anything but friends is not appealing. It turns me off. Why? I have no clue. I don't pretend to know or be able to figure it out. And, then it's also comforting to know that there are really good people in this world that you just aren't meant to be with. It happens.
Actually, I'm a little excited now because since this book is the perverbial "closed," a new one is opening. New beginning, new possibilities, new experiences. I know that one day I'll be with a man that the feelings are mutual completely. That'll be the man that God wants me to be with forever. I can't wait to finally meet him. :-)
It's such a big relief; although, I'm back at square one. But at least I have some answers and can move on with my life. I might go visit him but if there happens to be any lingering feelings on his end that I cannot return, that will have to stop right quick.
The problem is that everyone loved him. "He's such a doll!" "What a nice guy!" "He's a neat guy and intelligent." Yes, he is all those things but for some reason the thought of him and I as anything but friends is not appealing. It turns me off. Why? I have no clue. I don't pretend to know or be able to figure it out. And, then it's also comforting to know that there are really good people in this world that you just aren't meant to be with. It happens.
Actually, I'm a little excited now because since this book is the perverbial "closed," a new one is opening. New beginning, new possibilities, new experiences. I know that one day I'll be with a man that the feelings are mutual completely. That'll be the man that God wants me to be with forever. I can't wait to finally meet him. :-)
Just Closure
I just needed closure, that's it. No other feelings. I'm not sure what I expected but I didn't expect what I felt...nothing out of the ordinary. I'm okay with it but it was pretty unexpected with how excited I was to see him.
One of my coworkers put it in perspective for me by using an old saying: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well, that's true but usually when the person returns, there's mutual feelings. It didn't happen in this case - on my end anyway. I'll keep an open mind but unless God changes my heart, we're just good friends.
One of my coworkers put it in perspective for me by using an old saying: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well, that's true but usually when the person returns, there's mutual feelings. It didn't happen in this case - on my end anyway. I'll keep an open mind but unless God changes my heart, we're just good friends.
12.07.2005
No more waiting.... :0)
It's finally happened. He called my cell. Yippee! I'm so excited that he's coming. I should return the favor, too. If he wants me to visit, I will find the time to do so, period.
Of course, I can't let him know exactly why I want to see him but we'll catch up at least. And I'll have other guests to consider but it should be a good time. I hope he arrives before the party starts so that we can chat a little before everyone comes.
I'm just really happy that he's coming - no matter what happens afterward.
Tiffany
Of course, I can't let him know exactly why I want to see him but we'll catch up at least. And I'll have other guests to consider but it should be a good time. I hope he arrives before the party starts so that we can chat a little before everyone comes.
I'm just really happy that he's coming - no matter what happens afterward.
Tiffany
Caller ID
Sometimes I wonder if Caller ID is a good thing. I mean, it tells you who called but if they didn't leave a message your brain goes into overdrive thinking about why.
Well, my friend called last night (the one I've made the subject of my last two entries) but didn't leave a message - again. Not saying, "Hey, I've been calling. Call me back when you get this if it's at such and such a time...", etc., etc. No, I just see his number on my Caller ID of missed messages.
And I already left him a message that calling my cell phone is much better because I'm never home anymore. Apparently, he never got that message. I guess that I'm just happy that he's tried to get a hold of me. So on one hand I feel stupid for thinking that he wasn't going to call again but on the other I wish he'd be more persistent with getting a hold of me by using the right number.
So, today I'll call him and hopefully we'll actually speak. :-)
Well, my friend called last night (the one I've made the subject of my last two entries) but didn't leave a message - again. Not saying, "Hey, I've been calling. Call me back when you get this if it's at such and such a time...", etc., etc. No, I just see his number on my Caller ID of missed messages.
And I already left him a message that calling my cell phone is much better because I'm never home anymore. Apparently, he never got that message. I guess that I'm just happy that he's tried to get a hold of me. So on one hand I feel stupid for thinking that he wasn't going to call again but on the other I wish he'd be more persistent with getting a hold of me by using the right number.
So, today I'll call him and hopefully we'll actually speak. :-)
12.06.2005
Playing the waiting game
I'm starting to get bad at playing the waiting game. I'm tired of thinking about things too much and trying to always be patient. I know that it is a virtue and that it is a good one to have. Sometimes it is difficult to uphold because you get hurt by people not responding to you in the right - or any - way.
Take, for example, my friend who might be coming this weekend for my party. I will make one more call to him to ask if he is coming and just to talk to him and catch up. If he doesn't respond to that call, I have to let this whole friendship go and leave it as it is right now - borderline nonexistent. To be honest, I've tried to let go of all these feelings but every time I honestly try to let go, something has happened to bring them all flooding back. I don't need to have this little nerve ball in the pit of my stomach anymore. I want to see him because I think it will finally give me closure. When you lose a close friend because they were in a really bad accident and the last time you saw them was the day after they miraculously woke up from the coma they were in, it's a little hard to just stop that friendship, those feelings. I know that he moved on. What about the rest of us? What are we supposed to do? More importantly, what am I supposed to do?
Seeing him in that hospital bed the first time was bad enough. The second time was even harder because there was hope. Hope for him to recover - not for him to come back to me. I hadn't realized to that point that I loved him and wanted to be with him. I finally woke up, as it were, while he was sleeping. At least the first time, I knew that at least the feelings were suspended. Now, they are just suffering. I don't think that I am in love with him still but I do love him. I can only really truly know why I feel this way if we speak again in person and be truthful to one another. Although, it is getting pretty obvious that I am clinging to something that isn't real. But it's hard to let go of when there hasn't been any closure and you have the active imagination that I have - it's so hard to turn my brain off at any point, let alone for this. And the knowledge that he had a serious girlfriend for at least 2 years (and probably does now) hasn't seemed to squelch anything. My brain cannot get that message; though my heart knows that it can't keep beating until something is resolved. I think that maybe they are in cahoots. Until one is satisfied, the other won't be.
Another friend told me the other day that she thought I was scared to get that close to someone the first time around. She said that the possibility of doing it differently - meaning the "right way" - the second time around is keeping me from moving on; that maybe I do need to see him personally to finally know what exactly I am feeling: friendship or more than that. Maybe, no matter what happens this weekend (and if we have some sort of communication), I should be the one to visit him and figure this out once and for all. Not necessarily informing him of why I'm there but just to spend time with him as a friend. Nature has a tendency to take its course. By the end of our time together, I could finally have my answer.
And then maybe - just maybe - I can move on with my life. When one door closes, God opens a window. I may be trying to keep that door open. I have to find out how I can allow myself to close it; if that's what God's will is.
Take, for example, my friend who might be coming this weekend for my party. I will make one more call to him to ask if he is coming and just to talk to him and catch up. If he doesn't respond to that call, I have to let this whole friendship go and leave it as it is right now - borderline nonexistent. To be honest, I've tried to let go of all these feelings but every time I honestly try to let go, something has happened to bring them all flooding back. I don't need to have this little nerve ball in the pit of my stomach anymore. I want to see him because I think it will finally give me closure. When you lose a close friend because they were in a really bad accident and the last time you saw them was the day after they miraculously woke up from the coma they were in, it's a little hard to just stop that friendship, those feelings. I know that he moved on. What about the rest of us? What are we supposed to do? More importantly, what am I supposed to do?
Seeing him in that hospital bed the first time was bad enough. The second time was even harder because there was hope. Hope for him to recover - not for him to come back to me. I hadn't realized to that point that I loved him and wanted to be with him. I finally woke up, as it were, while he was sleeping. At least the first time, I knew that at least the feelings were suspended. Now, they are just suffering. I don't think that I am in love with him still but I do love him. I can only really truly know why I feel this way if we speak again in person and be truthful to one another. Although, it is getting pretty obvious that I am clinging to something that isn't real. But it's hard to let go of when there hasn't been any closure and you have the active imagination that I have - it's so hard to turn my brain off at any point, let alone for this. And the knowledge that he had a serious girlfriend for at least 2 years (and probably does now) hasn't seemed to squelch anything. My brain cannot get that message; though my heart knows that it can't keep beating until something is resolved. I think that maybe they are in cahoots. Until one is satisfied, the other won't be.
Another friend told me the other day that she thought I was scared to get that close to someone the first time around. She said that the possibility of doing it differently - meaning the "right way" - the second time around is keeping me from moving on; that maybe I do need to see him personally to finally know what exactly I am feeling: friendship or more than that. Maybe, no matter what happens this weekend (and if we have some sort of communication), I should be the one to visit him and figure this out once and for all. Not necessarily informing him of why I'm there but just to spend time with him as a friend. Nature has a tendency to take its course. By the end of our time together, I could finally have my answer.
And then maybe - just maybe - I can move on with my life. When one door closes, God opens a window. I may be trying to keep that door open. I have to find out how I can allow myself to close it; if that's what God's will is.
12.05.2005
Good talk...
A friend of mine called last night and we chatted for awhile. He's one of the leaders in my Tuesday Bible study. He mainly called to ask me about ballroom classes for him and his new friend. However, I, of course, turned it into a conversation about my stuff. I tried not to but I did. I was really tired and he did ask me a few questions. People need to learn not to ask me so many questions; it makes me talk too much and about stuff that they probably don't care about.
Anyhoo, I ended up talking about the musical and then about my party - to which he discerned that my frustration was about a certain guy friend of mine. He said his name just like that. Apparently, I've told more people about this person than I thought. I mean he knew exactly who I was talking about. This person does frustrate me even though I miss him. I think that I just need to see him one more time before I can have closure on anything between us. Who knows? Maybe there is something still there but I highly doubt it. I'm sure he's moved on and has a new girlfriend (or hooked back up with the one he broke up with late last year). Still, I realize that I need closure on the whole thing - otherwise I'll still keep thinking about him and asking myself, "What if?" I'm tired of "what if's?" and not being able to move on. And - I have to move on. I have to be comfortable getting close to somebody. I trusted this guy but for some reason couldn't allow myself to get close to him. I feel like I can now but that's dumb because it would be a long distance relationship and he probably has no feelings other than friendship towards me. Anyway, my phone friend listened to all this like a true friend should. I appreciated that.
Anyhoo, I ended up talking about the musical and then about my party - to which he discerned that my frustration was about a certain guy friend of mine. He said his name just like that. Apparently, I've told more people about this person than I thought. I mean he knew exactly who I was talking about. This person does frustrate me even though I miss him. I think that I just need to see him one more time before I can have closure on anything between us. Who knows? Maybe there is something still there but I highly doubt it. I'm sure he's moved on and has a new girlfriend (or hooked back up with the one he broke up with late last year). Still, I realize that I need closure on the whole thing - otherwise I'll still keep thinking about him and asking myself, "What if?" I'm tired of "what if's?" and not being able to move on. And - I have to move on. I have to be comfortable getting close to somebody. I trusted this guy but for some reason couldn't allow myself to get close to him. I feel like I can now but that's dumb because it would be a long distance relationship and he probably has no feelings other than friendship towards me. Anyway, my phone friend listened to all this like a true friend should. I appreciated that.
Calm after the storm
Aaaahhhh. That's me - breathing again. It turns out that all that stress and busyness and running around paid off handsomely. The Musical went well; the girls did a great job! We all received several compliments - including a special one from Peggy Welch. It was a really good day.
After the musical, Alisa had Jen and I join her for brunch at her place. She made us these wonderful scrambled eggs with mushrooms, sausage, fruit and cinnamon rolls (light Pillsbury). I broke down and had a whole one. It was a small cheat on my new food lifestyle but it didn't ruin it. I can cheat sometimes; I just have to be careful to not cheat a lot. I have to be very good this week because I'm planning to cheat a little next Sunday at my Christmas party. My friend Jen is bringing a Lemon Meringue Pie. It will be her first so I want to be able to eat a bit. Plus the Portuguese dish I'm making has one thing in it that I'm not supposed to have anymore: French bread. So, that's two cheats in one day. I will be okay though.
After brunch we went to see "Dreamer" together. It was so nice to spend some time with a couple of my close friends. I was so busy that I didn't talk to anybody; of course, no one called me or returned my phone calls when I did so that was another reason. I really needed to be with people. I was really tired but my need to relax with friends was stronger than my need to sleep. And, I did get home and go to bed pretty early so I got plenty of rest. Well, sort of. I'm pretty tired right now. I have five lessons tonight, too. I just will need to go home as early as I can and go straight to bed. We have been having meetings after work Monday nights but I'm going to politely ask to go home. I really need to rest up.
I hope this week turns out to be as calm as I think it will be. The only thing that I really have to do for my party is my weekly apartment cleaning and making the soupas. Everything else is done. It's so nice to finally have a lighter week. I'll still be busy but not stressed like the last three weeks. :-) That is a very good thing. :-)
After the musical, Alisa had Jen and I join her for brunch at her place. She made us these wonderful scrambled eggs with mushrooms, sausage, fruit and cinnamon rolls (light Pillsbury). I broke down and had a whole one. It was a small cheat on my new food lifestyle but it didn't ruin it. I can cheat sometimes; I just have to be careful to not cheat a lot. I have to be very good this week because I'm planning to cheat a little next Sunday at my Christmas party. My friend Jen is bringing a Lemon Meringue Pie. It will be her first so I want to be able to eat a bit. Plus the Portuguese dish I'm making has one thing in it that I'm not supposed to have anymore: French bread. So, that's two cheats in one day. I will be okay though.
After brunch we went to see "Dreamer" together. It was so nice to spend some time with a couple of my close friends. I was so busy that I didn't talk to anybody; of course, no one called me or returned my phone calls when I did so that was another reason. I really needed to be with people. I was really tired but my need to relax with friends was stronger than my need to sleep. And, I did get home and go to bed pretty early so I got plenty of rest. Well, sort of. I'm pretty tired right now. I have five lessons tonight, too. I just will need to go home as early as I can and go straight to bed. We have been having meetings after work Monday nights but I'm going to politely ask to go home. I really need to rest up.
I hope this week turns out to be as calm as I think it will be. The only thing that I really have to do for my party is my weekly apartment cleaning and making the soupas. Everything else is done. It's so nice to finally have a lighter week. I'll still be busy but not stressed like the last three weeks. :-) That is a very good thing. :-)
12.01.2005
All things pure and white
How come it's so hard to find white dresses, skirts, pants or tops when this is the season where white blankets the land? It really shouldn't be this hard. I'm still searching for white "costumes" for my angels in the musical this weekend. We have dress rehearsal tonight and all I can find are white sweats and see-through white tops. It's a bit frustrating. And then I look outside, it's snowing today. We weren't supposed to get snow in this area. It was supposed to be all up north. I'm glad that they were wrong. It puts a smile on my face to see the trees frosted with snow. It is so beautiful to me that it's hard to think negatively or stay frustrated. Snow reminds me of all that is pure and right in the world. It's a reminder that God is still in control; and it reminds me of His promises to us.
There is a song, too, that is running through my head. I absolutely adore it! I would like to dance to it but it really isn't a ballroom dance-type song. It's more of a lyrical or freestyle song. "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield. I just love it: the lyrics, music, her voice, everything. It reminds me that each day is a new day: a blank page, pure, unwritten. You can make it whatever you want. It's good for us to be reminded of that because life is so fickle and fleeting. However, it can't take away that there are only 24 hours in a day; that a new day is always a new beginning, a new chance to live better.
There is a song, too, that is running through my head. I absolutely adore it! I would like to dance to it but it really isn't a ballroom dance-type song. It's more of a lyrical or freestyle song. "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield. I just love it: the lyrics, music, her voice, everything. It reminds me that each day is a new day: a blank page, pure, unwritten. You can make it whatever you want. It's good for us to be reminded of that because life is so fickle and fleeting. However, it can't take away that there are only 24 hours in a day; that a new day is always a new beginning, a new chance to live better.
11.30.2005
6 months, 7 days and counting...
or 219 days and counting...
or 31.28 weeks and counting...
or 5,256 hours and counting...
or 315,360 minutes and counting...
or 18,921,600 seconds and counting...
UNTIL...Pirates of the Caribbean II: Dead Man's Chest releases in theatres.
July 7, 2006!
I'm only a little excited. :-)
or 31.28 weeks and counting...
or 5,256 hours and counting...
or 315,360 minutes and counting...
or 18,921,600 seconds and counting...
UNTIL...Pirates of the Caribbean II: Dead Man's Chest releases in theatres.
July 7, 2006!
I'm only a little excited. :-)
11.28.2005
Woo Hoo! for after Thanksgiving sales!
Don't be jealous...all of my Christmas shopping and decorating are done - including wrapping the gifts! There are five gifts I need but I'm ordering them from the internet (actually, I did earlier today). It's so exciting to have all of this done! It's a weight lifted off my shoulders. I can breathe...at least a little.
I also was able to find someone else to do my solo for this weekend. I could've done it but not the way I wanted. The young woman who is doing it will do a great job so I'm okay with not doing it. I have too much to do this week between the other part of the musical, both jobs and cleaning for my mom's Christmas party this next weekend. It was such an answer to prayer to have her come up to me after church Sunday. I literally prayed in church Sunday morning for a sign, an answer to what He wanted me to do about it all. His answer: was to give me rest and piece of mind by having Kaila do it. I'll have another opportunity at a better time.
I'm really excited about the IU/Duke game this Wednesday. I took off work in the evening to go but the tickets I thought I had I don't have. And, of course, I can't afford other tickets so I'll be enjoying the game at home. For a split second, I thought about booking lessons until 8:15 p.m. (game starts at 9 p.m.). However, I realized that I would need this little break where I could go home, relax (meaning take a nap) and enjoy the game. Tonight, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday are going to be crazy. I need one crazi-less day somewhere in there. Wednesday is the only one available. I already negotiated for it off anyway.
Seriously, if I can get past this week in one piece I then can start breathing again normally. I have my Christmas party the following weekend (Dec. 11) but the only things I'll have to do for that is make the Soupas and do the weekly cleaning of my apartment. I've already decorated, wrapped all the party gifts and did some deep cleaning this week. I'll really just have to touch up everything.
I can't wait for Sunday at 12:00 p.m. to get here. :-) That's the exact moment I can start breathing again. :-)
Tiffany
I also was able to find someone else to do my solo for this weekend. I could've done it but not the way I wanted. The young woman who is doing it will do a great job so I'm okay with not doing it. I have too much to do this week between the other part of the musical, both jobs and cleaning for my mom's Christmas party this next weekend. It was such an answer to prayer to have her come up to me after church Sunday. I literally prayed in church Sunday morning for a sign, an answer to what He wanted me to do about it all. His answer: was to give me rest and piece of mind by having Kaila do it. I'll have another opportunity at a better time.
I'm really excited about the IU/Duke game this Wednesday. I took off work in the evening to go but the tickets I thought I had I don't have. And, of course, I can't afford other tickets so I'll be enjoying the game at home. For a split second, I thought about booking lessons until 8:15 p.m. (game starts at 9 p.m.). However, I realized that I would need this little break where I could go home, relax (meaning take a nap) and enjoy the game. Tonight, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday are going to be crazy. I need one crazi-less day somewhere in there. Wednesday is the only one available. I already negotiated for it off anyway.
Seriously, if I can get past this week in one piece I then can start breathing again normally. I have my Christmas party the following weekend (Dec. 11) but the only things I'll have to do for that is make the Soupas and do the weekly cleaning of my apartment. I've already decorated, wrapped all the party gifts and did some deep cleaning this week. I'll really just have to touch up everything.
I can't wait for Sunday at 12:00 p.m. to get here. :-) That's the exact moment I can start breathing again. :-)
Tiffany
11.14.2005
Shall we dance?
Yesterday was the first time I have been to an Arthur Murray Showcase event in over 3 1/2 years. Some things have changed and some have stayed the same. But mostly, I learned a few very important things.
One - I've grown up, a lot, since then. It was fun, relaxing and not so serious this time. Yes, it was still about the students and them having a good time but there wasn't the pressure as before. Everyone seemed more comfortable, confident (except for Barbara, of course). She has to be a little stressed so that she makes sure that everything goes great for the day and the students. However, I thought of something really good for next time. Somebody (a staff member) needs to get up there early (at least an hour) to get things set up and ready before students start arriving. We didn't leave until 10 a.m. To be honest, we really should have left around 9 a.m. (no later than 9:30 a.m.) or had gone up the day before so we'd be able to get there first thing. This would've given us time to set up the camera, save tables, etc. If I'm still at the studio in February (I have stopped planning for the long term; it's day to day for me now because you never know what is going to happen), I'd be willing to do this - especially since now I have a friend who lives up there and would love to have the company. It'll lower Barbara's stress level and ensure an even more comfortable, stress-free day for the students. We would just be better prepared all around.
Two - I like my body the way it is. Yes, I still want to eat healthier and continue my workout goal to increase the support for my lower back. But I don't want to be like some of the girls who are teaching at some of the other schools. They are so teeny tiny that it makes them look anorexic. I'm positive that they are not anorexic or bulemic because a lot of dancers and people in general have high metabolisms. One of the reasons why some dancers are so tiny is that they have danced their whole lives and that has trained their body to use the food they eat quickly because of their high exercise and energy level everyday. But I used to want to be that small. No more. I watched a few performances of these tiny ladies and all I could see were how small they were and how I thought it was really unattractive. I couldn't even pay much attention to the dances (which, I have to say, of the ones I could focus on, were all really fantastic). This is only my opinion - I don't intend to persuade anyone to think like me. However, it is concerning to see how small some people can be - especially if they are a taller individual - and how our society pushes this unhealthy look upon our children. Yes, we need to somehow curb the obesity issues that are permeating our culture/country but not to the extent that we tell our kids to go on diets and to not eat. We just need to make sure they eat healthier and are active outside the home. It is up to the parents to be focused on this. They have to desire this for their kids, otherwise their kids won't desire it for themselves. Also, I love television but it's not really a good thing. It's okay to watch it but our society is made up primarily of couch potatoes now and that has a lot to do with the state of our health and the health of our kids.
Three - I have a different perspective and desire for dancing. It's supposed to be fun, easy and give you a sense of well-being. That's how I'm approaching my teaching now. People don't need 30 million steps. They need to learn how to dance and manuever around the dance floor while still having fun. I've always taught this way to an extent but after a break from all of it (I really was burnt out and I really couldn't physically teach all day anymore), I've learned that I need to be more focused on teaching this way. We all need a little more fun in life because we don't know what tomorrow brings. We need to laugh, be light-hearted and let go of things more often than we do. This is something that I need to take seriously on a personal level. If I make a mistake, it's okay. If I get up in front of everyone at the next event and do a pro-show and mess up; it's okay. It's all for fun. There should be no pressure on my partner or myself to perform perfectly. Its' for fun so it should look as good as it can for the students but not to the point that it's stress-filled - which I used to make it. That is going to change starting now.
Four - My break was necessary. I learned things that I never would have had I stayed. I'm convinced, too, that I would've burnt a lot of bridges and maybe even have suffered a mental and physical breakdown. I've learned that there are reasons that certain things happen to you in life at the times they happen. You can't see them coming, either - which is a good thing. Otherwise, we'd never learn; which means we'd never grow; and that means we'd always stay in the same place. That is just so depressing to realize. Who wants to be mediocre for their whole life? I don't know anyone who claims that their goal is to be mediocre in life.
Five - Life is short. Take advantage of the good times but don't forget about your responsibilities. It's you who makes or breaks your goals. Don't overextend yourself but don't pass up the opportunity to do things you love. Otherwise, you can become an unpleasant person, unsatisfied and depressed. Pay attention to the people you love, forgive them always, help them when times are difficult (even if you have to give them advice that they need but don't want), pray for them by name and walk through life in a way that God will tell you at those amazingly beautiful pearly gates, "Well done, My child. Welcome." Because this life really is fleeting; we die. But we can have eternal life if we want it.
It's really not that hard. We just seem to want to make it hard; as if we have to to work for it. We don't; He forgives always. It isn't something we earn; He just gives it. Remember that.
One - I've grown up, a lot, since then. It was fun, relaxing and not so serious this time. Yes, it was still about the students and them having a good time but there wasn't the pressure as before. Everyone seemed more comfortable, confident (except for Barbara, of course). She has to be a little stressed so that she makes sure that everything goes great for the day and the students. However, I thought of something really good for next time. Somebody (a staff member) needs to get up there early (at least an hour) to get things set up and ready before students start arriving. We didn't leave until 10 a.m. To be honest, we really should have left around 9 a.m. (no later than 9:30 a.m.) or had gone up the day before so we'd be able to get there first thing. This would've given us time to set up the camera, save tables, etc. If I'm still at the studio in February (I have stopped planning for the long term; it's day to day for me now because you never know what is going to happen), I'd be willing to do this - especially since now I have a friend who lives up there and would love to have the company. It'll lower Barbara's stress level and ensure an even more comfortable, stress-free day for the students. We would just be better prepared all around.
Two - I like my body the way it is. Yes, I still want to eat healthier and continue my workout goal to increase the support for my lower back. But I don't want to be like some of the girls who are teaching at some of the other schools. They are so teeny tiny that it makes them look anorexic. I'm positive that they are not anorexic or bulemic because a lot of dancers and people in general have high metabolisms. One of the reasons why some dancers are so tiny is that they have danced their whole lives and that has trained their body to use the food they eat quickly because of their high exercise and energy level everyday. But I used to want to be that small. No more. I watched a few performances of these tiny ladies and all I could see were how small they were and how I thought it was really unattractive. I couldn't even pay much attention to the dances (which, I have to say, of the ones I could focus on, were all really fantastic). This is only my opinion - I don't intend to persuade anyone to think like me. However, it is concerning to see how small some people can be - especially if they are a taller individual - and how our society pushes this unhealthy look upon our children. Yes, we need to somehow curb the obesity issues that are permeating our culture/country but not to the extent that we tell our kids to go on diets and to not eat. We just need to make sure they eat healthier and are active outside the home. It is up to the parents to be focused on this. They have to desire this for their kids, otherwise their kids won't desire it for themselves. Also, I love television but it's not really a good thing. It's okay to watch it but our society is made up primarily of couch potatoes now and that has a lot to do with the state of our health and the health of our kids.
Three - I have a different perspective and desire for dancing. It's supposed to be fun, easy and give you a sense of well-being. That's how I'm approaching my teaching now. People don't need 30 million steps. They need to learn how to dance and manuever around the dance floor while still having fun. I've always taught this way to an extent but after a break from all of it (I really was burnt out and I really couldn't physically teach all day anymore), I've learned that I need to be more focused on teaching this way. We all need a little more fun in life because we don't know what tomorrow brings. We need to laugh, be light-hearted and let go of things more often than we do. This is something that I need to take seriously on a personal level. If I make a mistake, it's okay. If I get up in front of everyone at the next event and do a pro-show and mess up; it's okay. It's all for fun. There should be no pressure on my partner or myself to perform perfectly. Its' for fun so it should look as good as it can for the students but not to the point that it's stress-filled - which I used to make it. That is going to change starting now.
Four - My break was necessary. I learned things that I never would have had I stayed. I'm convinced, too, that I would've burnt a lot of bridges and maybe even have suffered a mental and physical breakdown. I've learned that there are reasons that certain things happen to you in life at the times they happen. You can't see them coming, either - which is a good thing. Otherwise, we'd never learn; which means we'd never grow; and that means we'd always stay in the same place. That is just so depressing to realize. Who wants to be mediocre for their whole life? I don't know anyone who claims that their goal is to be mediocre in life.
Five - Life is short. Take advantage of the good times but don't forget about your responsibilities. It's you who makes or breaks your goals. Don't overextend yourself but don't pass up the opportunity to do things you love. Otherwise, you can become an unpleasant person, unsatisfied and depressed. Pay attention to the people you love, forgive them always, help them when times are difficult (even if you have to give them advice that they need but don't want), pray for them by name and walk through life in a way that God will tell you at those amazingly beautiful pearly gates, "Well done, My child. Welcome." Because this life really is fleeting; we die. But we can have eternal life if we want it.
It's really not that hard. We just seem to want to make it hard; as if we have to to work for it. We don't; He forgives always. It isn't something we earn; He just gives it. Remember that.
11.03.2005
The Sky Is Falling!
You have to go to this website: http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/chickenlittle/. It is so funny! I really want to see the movie (yeah, I know, I'm 29). But it looks so funny and a great family movie (like The Incredibles). You can even download a dancing chicken on your computer to be your background. People at work love mine.
Check it out!
Check it out!
11.01.2005
What is time anyway?
How come we have to abide by time but our Creator, God, can be timeless? Sometimes I find myself wishing that time didn't exist. I know, I know. We need time to do everything everyday. Time is the underlying thing of everything: when you get up in the morning, when you have to be at work, when you eat, when you pick up the kids, when you go to sleep, etc. Everything has a time limit.
To be honest, I'm usually early at everything (sometimes a little too early). But I'd like to not feel so oppressed by time - meaning all aspects of time like age, clock and year. Plus, our time is never really spent the most valuable way. When you are at work you are supposed to work that entire time - but there are a lot of times at work where it's "slow" and you don't have anything to do. Some companies frown on filling that time with other things; but if you have no work to do, then you're wasting that time.
You see? It's a vicious cycle; and one that I wish I could figure out for myself. I want to find a better use for my time. I'm not exactly sure if writing on my blog is an accurate use of my time but at least it fills it. :-)
To be honest, I'm usually early at everything (sometimes a little too early). But I'd like to not feel so oppressed by time - meaning all aspects of time like age, clock and year. Plus, our time is never really spent the most valuable way. When you are at work you are supposed to work that entire time - but there are a lot of times at work where it's "slow" and you don't have anything to do. Some companies frown on filling that time with other things; but if you have no work to do, then you're wasting that time.
You see? It's a vicious cycle; and one that I wish I could figure out for myself. I want to find a better use for my time. I'm not exactly sure if writing on my blog is an accurate use of my time but at least it fills it. :-)
10.27.2005
There's a song...
...in Ballroom Dancing titled, "Fascination." It's a waltz rhythm and if you sang it, it would sound like this reads: Fascinaaaation. Well, I've had this song running through my head for a while now but instead of Fascination, it's saying Procrastinaaaaation. Wow! I have 8 days to finish my story. Why do I do this to myself? I have no time tomorrow, Sunday or next week. The only time I have is Saturday. You can bet that I'll be glued to my computer Saturday. It shouldn't take me long to finish writing it; it's the ten edits I'll have to do that takes the time.
I'm really having to take a much bigger look at the life right now. There is so much going on; which is good. However, it's a little jumbled right now. I just wonder how or if it's ever going to clear up. I know that God has given me direction but it's kind of like the Central Valley in the early morning: foggy. And Tully Fog, at that. If you don't know what Tully (too-lee) Fog is, here's a basic description: take the densest fog you've ever been through and multiply it by 10 times - that's Tully Fog. No kidding. I've driven through what they call bad fog here and it's not even close to Tully Fog. Tully fog is like having cumulonimbus clouds on the ground. Seriously, it's scary. Not only do you take your life into your hands if you try to drive through it; but you do the same if you try to walk at all. You can't see anything. Zip, zero, zilch. It's creepy, too, because it's almost as if it's choking you. You breathe it because it completely surrounds you. It gives me the willies just thinking about it. Definitely not one of the things I miss about California's Central Valley.
On the other hand, there's a few things I miss about living in CA: Monterey and The Sierra Nevadas. CA has everything - mountains, valleys, beaches, forests and even the desert. I've tried to take a yearly trip to Monterey but this year was out due to my job outlook. I love spending time there. It's so relaxing and always refreshes me. I like to go by myself, too. It would be nice to have a friend along with me but it's okay to be there alone. You can drive as far as you want and do what you want when you want. The only drawback is eating at a restaurant. It's a little weird dining alone but usually that feeling passes quickly for me. I have found that when dining alone in a nice restaurant, you get really fabulous service (which also means you end up leaving a bigger tip - but it's all worth the attention and good service).
I like to camp in the mountains, too. My family used to take really great camping trips near Lake Tahoe. We fished, rested in the tents, played vicious games of UNO around the campfire at night, told stories, laughed and ate the best smores ever. It was one of my favorite times of the year (if not the favorite). I want to have traditions and stuff like that for my kids, my future family. They might be a little different than when I was a kid but I want to have them nonetheless. I know that it is so important to remember where you came from and who you really are. I want to give that to my kids (if God blesses me with them - and a husband, of course).
I'm really having to take a much bigger look at the life right now. There is so much going on; which is good. However, it's a little jumbled right now. I just wonder how or if it's ever going to clear up. I know that God has given me direction but it's kind of like the Central Valley in the early morning: foggy. And Tully Fog, at that. If you don't know what Tully (too-lee) Fog is, here's a basic description: take the densest fog you've ever been through and multiply it by 10 times - that's Tully Fog. No kidding. I've driven through what they call bad fog here and it's not even close to Tully Fog. Tully fog is like having cumulonimbus clouds on the ground. Seriously, it's scary. Not only do you take your life into your hands if you try to drive through it; but you do the same if you try to walk at all. You can't see anything. Zip, zero, zilch. It's creepy, too, because it's almost as if it's choking you. You breathe it because it completely surrounds you. It gives me the willies just thinking about it. Definitely not one of the things I miss about California's Central Valley.
On the other hand, there's a few things I miss about living in CA: Monterey and The Sierra Nevadas. CA has everything - mountains, valleys, beaches, forests and even the desert. I've tried to take a yearly trip to Monterey but this year was out due to my job outlook. I love spending time there. It's so relaxing and always refreshes me. I like to go by myself, too. It would be nice to have a friend along with me but it's okay to be there alone. You can drive as far as you want and do what you want when you want. The only drawback is eating at a restaurant. It's a little weird dining alone but usually that feeling passes quickly for me. I have found that when dining alone in a nice restaurant, you get really fabulous service (which also means you end up leaving a bigger tip - but it's all worth the attention and good service).
I like to camp in the mountains, too. My family used to take really great camping trips near Lake Tahoe. We fished, rested in the tents, played vicious games of UNO around the campfire at night, told stories, laughed and ate the best smores ever. It was one of my favorite times of the year (if not the favorite). I want to have traditions and stuff like that for my kids, my future family. They might be a little different than when I was a kid but I want to have them nonetheless. I know that it is so important to remember where you came from and who you really are. I want to give that to my kids (if God blesses me with them - and a husband, of course).
10.18.2005
Laurie has more than she thinks
I received an e-mail today from a friend. It's just one of those e-mails sent by some anonymous person that is meant to encourage you. I usually don't pass them on (or look at them). This one, however, put things into perspective. In fact, I ended up making a list of things that I have in my life. I was surprised on how much I really do have. No matter how wrong my life is right now, I found I have the most important things; all the urgent things are not important. I have:
Two part-time jobs
Friends that have Bible study with me
Friends that hang out with me
A best friend 2000 miles away that calls me and makes sure that I know we will always be friends - no matter what happens or how far we live apart.
A brother who worries about me and tries to give me advice (even though he's 2 years younger)
A dad who sees something at an auction and outbids everybody for it so he can send it to me across the country just for the simple fact that he thought of me when he saw it.
A stepdad who worries about me that when he sees my car gone early in the morning figures that I never came home the night before and calls frantically to find out if I'm okay (I was and I did come home; I just actually left earlier than normal).
Parents who still want me to be close to them.
Parents who want me to succeed and will help me any way they can, including having me rent out part of their house but will give me every bit of rent back when I move out.
Co-workers who never fail to say "Good Morning" to me or ask about my weekend.
Co-workers who don't want me to leave when I get a full-time job - even though they are subjected daily to my rantings and ravings.
A successful author that tells me that I have a gift, a unique voice and should pursue my dream to be a writer.
A successful author that encourages me but criticizes me so I get better; and one that says no matter what happens, if I never get published, that I did everything I could so it isn't failing.
A student(s) who light up when I attend a ballroom party or teach a group class and say, "We're so glad that you're here."
A friend that I have seen but twice since high school that still thinks of me as one of her best friends and encourages me frequently to stay positive because the idea I have of myself is warped; it's not what she or others see.
A niece who loves and misses me even though I get to see her only about once a year. Another niece who is already grown and has been offered full athletic scholarships to college (in and outside of CA).
Four nephews who are all adorable, fun and are going to change the world for the better one day.
Friends who take me out to lunch, dinner or a movie because they'd rather spend time with me than have me decline because I can't afford to. And they don't expect me to return the favor. They just want to spend time - with me!
My health, eyesight, hearing, no cavities; the fact that I can eat by my mouth and my stepdad still has to eat one feeding a day through a tube as a result of the aggressive radiation and chemotherapy treatments he underwent to cure his cancer; he is two years cancer-free.
Family and friends living in at least nine states and three countries.
A grandfather that is in remission for Multiple Mylanoma.
A Bible study class that meets often outside of class and truly enjoys fellowship with each other, including me.
A small group who truly cares about each other and prays sincerely for each other.
I know that there is more - I'll add to this as I remember. I encourage you to do the same and keep it somewhere that you'll read when you feel down. We have so much more than we think. Things are never as bad as they seem when we remember how many people love us - truly, truly care about us the way we are.
Two part-time jobs
Friends that have Bible study with me
Friends that hang out with me
A best friend 2000 miles away that calls me and makes sure that I know we will always be friends - no matter what happens or how far we live apart.
A brother who worries about me and tries to give me advice (even though he's 2 years younger)
A dad who sees something at an auction and outbids everybody for it so he can send it to me across the country just for the simple fact that he thought of me when he saw it.
A stepdad who worries about me that when he sees my car gone early in the morning figures that I never came home the night before and calls frantically to find out if I'm okay (I was and I did come home; I just actually left earlier than normal).
Parents who still want me to be close to them.
Parents who want me to succeed and will help me any way they can, including having me rent out part of their house but will give me every bit of rent back when I move out.
Co-workers who never fail to say "Good Morning" to me or ask about my weekend.
Co-workers who don't want me to leave when I get a full-time job - even though they are subjected daily to my rantings and ravings.
A successful author that tells me that I have a gift, a unique voice and should pursue my dream to be a writer.
A successful author that encourages me but criticizes me so I get better; and one that says no matter what happens, if I never get published, that I did everything I could so it isn't failing.
A student(s) who light up when I attend a ballroom party or teach a group class and say, "We're so glad that you're here."
A friend that I have seen but twice since high school that still thinks of me as one of her best friends and encourages me frequently to stay positive because the idea I have of myself is warped; it's not what she or others see.
A niece who loves and misses me even though I get to see her only about once a year. Another niece who is already grown and has been offered full athletic scholarships to college (in and outside of CA).
Four nephews who are all adorable, fun and are going to change the world for the better one day.
Friends who take me out to lunch, dinner or a movie because they'd rather spend time with me than have me decline because I can't afford to. And they don't expect me to return the favor. They just want to spend time - with me!
My health, eyesight, hearing, no cavities; the fact that I can eat by my mouth and my stepdad still has to eat one feeding a day through a tube as a result of the aggressive radiation and chemotherapy treatments he underwent to cure his cancer; he is two years cancer-free.
Family and friends living in at least nine states and three countries.
A grandfather that is in remission for Multiple Mylanoma.
A Bible study class that meets often outside of class and truly enjoys fellowship with each other, including me.
A small group who truly cares about each other and prays sincerely for each other.
I know that there is more - I'll add to this as I remember. I encourage you to do the same and keep it somewhere that you'll read when you feel down. We have so much more than we think. Things are never as bad as they seem when we remember how many people love us - truly, truly care about us the way we are.
10.10.2005
Crazy Week
This week is going to be interesting. I have work everyday (like normal) and something planned for every evening (work, Bible study or meetings). Saturday, I have two events (but I can't afford the second so I'm probably not going). It's not until Sunday that I don't have something planned. Besides church, that's it.
As I look forward to next week, it is beginning to look the same as this week. Wow! Too many things going on. I still have to finish my last story assignment for my class, too. Yikes! I need to find a way to open up my schedule. The thing is that everything is good. Nothing planned is frivolous. Although, I could do with a little frivolous. I so really need a full-time job or to find something that gets me across this desert....and soon. :-)
One positive is that I have gained two new customers for my Mary Kay business. From thier orders, I can place a large enough monthly order to be active and to pay down my inventory. That will really help. I need to be a little more active in my business but it's hard to focus on it right now. I've been focusing on my writing but now with all these other things that I'm in, it's taken a toll.
I should just do an online show. I've never done one before. That might be a good thing to try right now. I just have to commit a time to do it. Easier said than done. :-)
As I look forward to next week, it is beginning to look the same as this week. Wow! Too many things going on. I still have to finish my last story assignment for my class, too. Yikes! I need to find a way to open up my schedule. The thing is that everything is good. Nothing planned is frivolous. Although, I could do with a little frivolous. I so really need a full-time job or to find something that gets me across this desert....and soon. :-)
One positive is that I have gained two new customers for my Mary Kay business. From thier orders, I can place a large enough monthly order to be active and to pay down my inventory. That will really help. I need to be a little more active in my business but it's hard to focus on it right now. I've been focusing on my writing but now with all these other things that I'm in, it's taken a toll.
I should just do an online show. I've never done one before. That might be a good thing to try right now. I just have to commit a time to do it. Easier said than done. :-)
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