The Day After

I have been posed the question many times today, "So do you feel different now that you're 30 years and 1 day old?" I answered that I didn't but you know what? That's a lie. I do feel different. As I look outside at the snow (yes, I did say snow; though it's supposed to be Spring I wished for snow on my birthday - it's a day late but it still works for me), I do feel different. I have a different perspective and I feel freer (if that's even a word). After my party Sunday night, I realized that I am EXTREMELY blessed. Though sometimes my personality may be a little too outgoing, I still have friends and family that not only see through that but celebrate it. That just makes me feel like I'm really an okay person; that I should be proud of who I am and not just on the outside - on the inside as well. A lot of times in the past I've felt like a fraud. I may have acted non-chalant or super positive on the outside, but on the inside I felt wretched and hated myself. Those feelings are fewer and much farther between now and I can see it finally. I feel like I am finally growing up. I'm just a slow learner. :-)

And, after my party, I see where my desires really lie. I love many, many things but there are a few that I've always wanted and it's plain to see that everyone else knows, too. It's not a secret. It really is what I love. Those three things are sports, becoming an author and entertaining people. I love Ballroom Dancing but I have come to see that if I can't work for myself, I can't do it full-time. And though I may be a good instructor, I can't go back to that life. It's all-consuming and doesn't leave much time for anything else. I need to have my friends and time for my family; and time to meet my future husband. Working every evening is not something that I want to do again. I won't go back to that life now that I've experienced what it's like to have both a social and a work life. I have great friends and have time to spend with my family now. I didn't when I worked full-time at the studio; in fact, I had very few friends and none of them were close friends. It's hard to come to that decision but it's the only decision that I can make.

It has taken so long for me to be able to let go of a lot of things - especially this. I am not leaving the studio immediately but there will come a day (sooner than later) that I will. I'm not being utilized as it was originally discussed so I'm getting burned out. Too much longer and I'll start hating it again. I don't want that to happen and I don't want to let anyone down there. They have worked very hard to get where they are and I want them to continue to get better. We have terrific instructors now and terrific students. I want to see that continue but I know I won't be able to be a part of it much longer.

Though this realization is sad and was hard to come to, it's also exciting to realize that I've finally been able to make a tough decision. If I want to have a family and to be out of debt someday, I need to have my evenings free and I need a job that is full-time with benefits. I need to have something that utilizes my abilities/talents/natural instincts and also satisfies me. So I need to get serious and figure out what that is. I've figured out what that isn't finally. But there are many paths that "could be" perfect. Now, I just have to weed the imposters out.

Here is what I really want to happen in the next few years:

One full-time job that I actually like

Out of debt (or at least almost out of debt)

A dating life (a boyfriend or husband would be great but I'd settle just to be out there dating again)

My own place - preferably buying but I'll settle for being able to rent something nice on my own without a lot of financial strain - of course, it would be better if this happened with a husband but I'm not holding my breath. And I love being so close to my parents but I need to be on my own and fully responsible.

I know that's a lot to ask but if you don't ask for it, you won't get anything. So I'm pursuing them all and fully expect for at least half of them to come true because they are really all related. See if I find a full-time job with benefits then I send more money to my debtors, which in turn gets me more financially stable so I can then pursue my own place. The dating thing, well, that's a question mark. It has nothing to do with a job or my financial position. That's something that God really has to do for me. I don't know that if I am invited to a party one day that I have to go because I will meet my future husband there. You just don't know when that is going to happen. So I'm just going to pursue my goals but enjoy myself. One day, I'll meet someone that is the right man for me and it will be the perfect time and place - and I won't know that until it's that moment.

So, yes, I do feel different and now I'm going to act like it.

30 years young

Today is the day! It's finally here! I'm sure y'all are very relieved. :-)

But, you know what? I find ways to make my birthday last. One of my bosses at work is taking me out to lunch tomorrow and my dad said that he didn't send me as much as he usually does because I'll be there in a few weeks so he's going to treat me then. So this year, I managed to make my birthday last to mid-April. I'm getting good at this.

Anyway, it was a wonderful weekend. I may not have my own family or even a boyfriend yet but I've been blessed with amazing friends and family. And I do have work even if it's not full-time or with benefits. I am surviving and I fully expect this to be a great year. It's not because I just turned the big 3-0 but because I refuse to allow it to be anything other. You know, God gives us a lot but we don't always notice it. There are times that He gives us a clue to what He wants for us but we have to take the steps to get it. It's not that we have to work for our blessings but we have to follow through in His plan. I plan on following through this year on everything - even if that means internet dating. It's not what I want to do but it's becoming clear that the men here are fairly stupid to not want to go out with me. I've finally realized that I am a catch. I've struggled with my attractiveness all my life. But now I'm pushing aside those ill feelings towards myself and being confident in who I am - even though there are parts of me that are still growing up. We all make mistakes and are continually growing. We have to accept that and accept ourselves. I think I'm finally ready - really ready - to accept that.

There is a perfect job and the perfect man for me out there somewhere; and though I'd love to stay here in Bloomington awhile longer, I fully realize that God's plan for me is bigger than anything I can dream up. If His will leads me away from here, I know it's all for the best.

But I'm going to take advantage of living here as long as I can. Happy Birthday to me!

Da Vinci Code

Okay, here are my thoughts on the Da Vinci Code book and movie.

As a Christian, I just can't support a book that is basically trying to usurp the credibility of Jesus. I realize that it may be entertaining and the author may not be meaning to do anything but create a name for himself - still, it's a little disheartening to know so many of those I know who love the Lord have not only spent money to buy and read the book but want to watch the movie. I feel comfortable in being vocal about this because most already know my opinions on this and I know won't be surprised by my comments.

I am not perfect and have my own faults; but this book has seemed to make me come alive when it comes to my faith and an apparant blasphemical book that some of my Christian bretheren find entertaining. It calls into question my own values in what books I read and what movies I see. The fact that this particular book makes my insides crawl tells me that I should seriously consider how other things of such nature have crept into my own life - and the means to get rid of them.

I have seen "Passion of the Christ" only once and for the sole reason that I cannot handle my wretchedness for God having to stoop to my level and undergo such torture - just because He loves me that much. I can't ever find a love like that in this world; no matter how hard I look for it. No man will come close to God's love for me. And I can love with abandon but not to the extent that God's love for each and everyone of us can; at our best, we still aren't close to the vastness of His love. But I can't condone a story that has Jesus as being imperfect. He was not and is not and will never be anything but part of God. That my Christian community (me included) has allowed ourselves to be deceived by such blasphemy is saddening; and again, I should really take a look at myself and what I allow as being okay whether it's for myself OR for my friends.

If you want to know just what He went through for all of us, read the book of John, chapter 19. Would you do that for someone you loved? I don't know anyone who would go to those lengths. Jesus did. And I refuse to allow anyone to see Him as anything else but perfect - especially not as he is represented in The DaVinci Code - even if it's for "entertainment" value.

So much to do...GO HOOSIERS!

What a weekend! Have I already said that I hate thunderstorms? Yeah, I guess that's an understatement. Luckily, we were spared the really nasty stuff. It's disheartening though that so many other states were devastated. I hope that those deaths weren't because of stupidity and were because of the intensity of the storms. I see a lot of people around here driving in the worst parts of the storms, thinking that nothing will happen to them. If they did that in the other states, they'd have been sorely mistaken. I stay put or make sure I'm close to home in those storms. Even though we were spared, I'm still glad of my decision to stay put. You just never know.

But it also means that this week I'm going to be a little busier than planned. It shouldn't be too bad but with the addition that I didn't get much sleep a fw nights this week becasue the storms we had were pretty loud, I'll feel a little rushed. Tomorrow, everything is up in the air. I'm preparing for something to happen later this week or weekend and only have a couple hours to do it before I'm to be at Bible study. I don't want to miss it again but I may have to. And then my mom tells me that we're going away for the weekend so I have to be packed and ready. Plus this weekend I have to get my dress for Jennie's wedding (I still haven't gotten the swatch yet) so whereever we go has to have shopping. It's getting kinda late for me to get the swatch. I really should have had it at the latest last month but my best friend has been busy and she's not exactly the on time type so I'm not surprised. Nor am I upset - I know her and she knows me. I'll find something; though I am getting a little pressed for time.

So, here's the rundown for my week: Jen's birthday, my birthday, going out of town and finding a wedding dress. It's going to be crazy - but good crazy. At the end of it, I'll have gone through three celebrations and found my maid-of-honor dress all in one weekend. And, let's not forget that I'll have said goodbye to my 20's. Maybe, just maybe, I'll finally become a grown up. :-)

Okay...so that may never happen but here's to having a great decade anyway! :-)

Oh...and GO HOOSIERS! I'm a little miffed that so many "experts" are picking my boys to be upset in the first round. I've had it with them. Even when we're doing well, they pick against us. In 2002, none of them picked us in any game in the NCAA tournament and yet we went to the National Championship game. Had our boys not been tired under all the stress they had to suffer that year and been healthy (Coverdale played with a bum ankle; he could barely walk - and Jeffries knee wasn't great), I have no doubt that we would have kicked Maryland's booty. I have no doubt, period. They underestimated us all year. So bring it on, boys! Let's show that picking against us is only adding fuel to our fire. This Hoosier girl is behind you all the way and believes in you.

Vanity

Okay, so sometimes I feel like I'm a little too vain. But, who wants to look bad on their birthday, right?

I just sent an e-mail to the two friends that are planning my party. I made one request: that I don't look bad for my birthday or my birthday party (I don't know what day it is going to be so I covered my bases). They have said they are not going to tell me so I wanted to be sure that I'm not attending my birthday in lounge clothes or am rolling out of bed. It is my 30th birthday - a milestone - and I know there will be lots of pictures taken by my mom so I want to look good looking back on it. I'm sure there will be enough of "blackmail" pictures of me through the years at my party to more than make up for any good pictures taken. :-)

I do trust them - but we all sometimes second guess that though our friends know us, they don't know everything. There was a day a couple weeks ago that a close friend of mine was surprised at something I said I liked - a good surprise, but a surprise nonetheless. Sometimes you take for granted that the closest people to you know everything about you - but they don't. And, in extension of that, you may place that same expectation on the man that is your soulmate. That's not fair on him - or you. The man I marry is not goign to be perfect - and I need to realize that I'm not either.

I tend to forget that and hold these super high expectations on people - like they are supposed to remember everything I say and do. That's impossible - I say way too much for anyone to remember even 1/3 of what I say or do. Last night's Bravehearts study really hit home this point for me. We discussed Chapter 4 - The Queen of Hearts. Wow! We all had pretty strong observences about the chapter and ourselves personally. It was great to get everything out in the open - I really wish that more people could've been there because I think it was a really good study for the group.

So, I'm learning for the second time (the Bravehearts leadership already did the study last year) that I need to relax my expectations - they are impossible and unrealistic! And I need to trust more; my friends and family trust me even when they have the right not to.

And...I am now fully commited to NOT WORRYING about anything concerning my birthday - including how I'm going to look. But I'm not stopping my countdown....14 days. :-)

Having Faith

If I didn't have my faith, I don't know who I'd be or where I'd be. Faith is so important; not only Faith that God's going to do what He says He's going to do but also faith in the people around you.

But Faith gets tested, repeatedly and often. We don't like to be tested - I don't like to be tested. But when we come through a situation on the positive side, it makes it all better. This is one of those times for me. Someone very close to me is okay - they don't have the disease doctors were worried about. It's been a trying time to keep Faith and let God handle it - because it very easily could have gone the other way and that still would've been in His will. But it would've been harder to deal with. I can focus a bit more now and I feel a great deal of thankfulness that the situation turned out this way.

On another note, I exercised Faith yesterday at dinner with some friends. My birthday was brought up (and I want to be clear that it wasn't me that bought it up - see I'm being very, very good) but when I said that I wasn't to know anything including where or when it was going to be, I got weird looks. Either they already know or were really trying not to fill me in or give me hints. That is a good thing because it strengthens my Faith in my friends who are planning this. I love them both very much and am learning to let go of control over certain things - most notably my birthday celebration. I do like to control certain things in my life and this is one of them. I think I am succeeding in weakening my grip on such things. But I am still getting more and more excited so I have to keep myself calm and not talk about it so much.

I am still allowing myself to do a countdown, though...less than 20 days remain before I'm officially out of my 20's. :-) I'm told, too, that the 30's are great. Since I don't have a family or a career yet, I'm taking that to heart. All those things I desire may be waiting for me to turn 30. :-)

Committed

...in every way but one. I mean, it's as if I forget that there are only 24 hours in a day! What am I thinking? I work three days a week from 9 a.m.-10 p.m. at two very different jobs. The other two weekdays I work and then do two Bible studies. Essentially, I am gone from home from 8:45 a.m.-at least 10 p.m. during the week. Also, most Saturdays are spent at the studio from 11 a.m.- 4 p.m. My Sundays are now committed to be at church for most of the day.

What am I doing with my time? This is a good reason why I have no quiet time with the Lord anymore. It isn't that these things I'm committed to are so bad. They are all good things but there's too many of them. No wonder I don't have a boyfriend; I'm not around enough to know if I like someone and if they like me back. I'm just not that available. And I don't see that changing anytime soon.

Tonight will be nice. Our Bible study is getting together for dinner instead of study; which only means that it will be a little shorter. I love our Bible study and what we're studying but it's so nice to have an evening where all I have to do is eat and then go home. I have the opportunity today to be home before 9 p.m. - that's unheard of on a weeknight for me.

I'm enjoying teaching at the studio but I'm not enjoying the two different jobs. It's too difficult. But I haven't found anything full-time that will make me financially comfortable and stimulate me. I wish I knew what to do next - what to apply to, what to study, what to strive for. I'm so confused. I have no clear path but to keep doing what I'm doing. I just wish that something really good will happen (and when I say something, I'm thinking financially for the most part - new job, win the lottery, get out of debt sooner). That's a lot of stress. If I could just become a better steward of my money - which is arguably not mine - then maybe I can focus a little better.

The Last Days...

...of officially being in my 20's has begun. Well, it began 337 days ago...and if you're more technical, it began 9 years and 337 days ago (I'm too tired to figure out the exact amount of days). For me, though, it officially started Saturday - which marked 30 days until my 30th birthday.

For 30 days leading up to my birthday, I am doing one thing that I want to that day - no matter how big or small it is. Saturday, I did not work (though I sort-of worked for one lesson) and spent time with friends at my house playing cards and watching movies and the Olympics. Though nobody knew it, that's how I kicked off this little adventure - with my little card party. So thanks, guys, for helping me start the celebration even though you didn't even know you did. Sunday, I went to see a movie with a friend. Today, I had fries from Arby's. I don't know what I'll do for tomorrow. I have Bible study after work so I guess I'll figure something out before then. Maybe I'll do something on my lunch hour - I'll think of something.

Today marks 28 days till I'm 30...if you're counting. :-)

Countdown #4

34 days and counting... :-)

I'm getting more and more excited. But I'm trying to keep it in check. I promised my friends that the only thing I would talk about concerning my birthday is to do this countdown. I left all the plans up to them. I even told them that I trusted them with everything. That's a big thing for me - not the general trusting part. It's the trusting that everyone will have fun at my birthday part. I always end up planning my own birthdays because no one else seems to want to; and that way, I do exactly what I want. But this year, I'm giving up control and "trusting" someone else to plan it for me. Two of my friends are taking on the challenge and I trust these two completely with the task. It's just getting harder and harder for me to not know what the progress is and all the details. But I also want to be surprised and want them to have confidence that I do trust them...so I'm just going to keep myself in check and resist my desire to ask them about it. I can do it but prayer would help because I am seriously getting really excited. :-)

I have a date...

...with the Sandman. You know how I was all complaining about not having a date for Valentine's? Well, that is so last season. I just want to sleep...sleep, sleep, sleep. I'm exhausted. My eyes feel like they are bowling balls (thank goodness for Mary Kay's Indulge Soothing Eye Mask! Otherwise, I'd look like a raccoon who met the varmit's version of Rocky).
Seriously, I'm tired!

And, of course, everyone around me is sick. I mean, sick, sick. One person I know who is highly contagious (she has three forms of illness - all at once) is still periodically getting around people and infecting them. But, thank goodness, she finally realizes that's she's ill and needs to stay in bed. She needs to get better - a lot better -before she comes back to work. Otherwise, it won't be long before she is sick again. And she needs to be well. There is so much going on right now and I know she's upset that she's missing it. Still, it's better to get really well than to repeat the process all over again.

So, I have a date with my pillow at 8 p.m. - yes, 8 p.m. I have two lessons at the studio and then I'm going straight home. I should be home no later than 8 p.m. And I'll be asleep shortly after - I'll take one Tylenol PM just to make sure I fall asleep right away and stay asleep until 7:30 a.m. Wednesday, Feb. 15. :-)

Just another day...

...another ordinary day. Huh? Yeah, days aren't ever ordinary for me. But today isn't super emotional or interesting either. I'll take that...when I can get it. So I like today - a lot.

I was just thinking about next Tuesday - the dreaded Valentine's Day. I had hoped that this year would find me with a date for that evening. Yeah, I have a date...with my Bible study. I just don't know anymore if I should even be looking for a special someone. I know that I brooch this subject a lot on this blog but seriously, what am I doing? I mean God hasn't so much as put someone in my life that I have even wanted to date (and vice versa). I joke a lot that certain NFL, NBA or MLB players are just "waiting for me." But I'm joking. It's a way to not make me feel so bad about myself when it comes to the opposite sex, especially in front of all my guy friends. You know, I'm not exactly unattractive. I've stuggled with my physical self my whole life, trying to be prettier and have a better body. But really, I shouldn't be trying so hard, I am attractive without all that stuff. I've finally been able to have a better view of myself. So now, I'm kind of tired of the questions I get from my family and friends on why I haven't found someone yet because to them I'm very pretty and have an attractive personality. I wish I could just tell them "Well, I know that I'm not supposed to have one so you should stop worrying about it because I have" - but every time I get to that point something happens to make me think that a guy I like likes me back. But guess what? NOTHING HAPPENS! So, I ask again, what am I doing?

As of today, my focus has to be a career - no matter where that takes me (a new job, a new city or a new country). Because I do really want to have kids. I'd prefer to have a family unit (mother, father, 2.75 kids) but that may not be for me. So, I need to put myself in a financial place so that I can adopt.

You know, I have more than one guy friend that is older than me and they are all single. And though it seems that they are very content in their single life - I just couldn't be if I were their age. I want to have a family and a house. I think sometimes it's easier for guys to stay single longer; they get to be on their own without any woman "nagging" them. But marraige isn't all about "nagging" (btw, this is something that another friend of mine believes about marraige and he's older, too). Don't you guys think that your marraige counterparts can't stand your little "flaws" either? It's a relationship that has to be worked on continually; it's not just us, you know. It takes two to have a relationship; and when you find someone who you can't live without even if there are some things that irk you, then that's the person God has for you (especially if they feel the same way about you).

But guys like to "sow their oats." Even Christian guys do this - but in other ways. Are you about done yet? Because us aging, attractive Christian women have about had it. I know that I speak for most of my single women friends and others that I've never even met. We don't sleep around, we cook, we clean, we're intelligent, we like to be active and we are fun to be around. But apparently, if we're not a natural blonde with a big chest - well, that doesn't work for you. I don't mean to be judgemental about this but that's what I see. Unless we have "hot" bodies, even our Christian bretheren don't give us the time of day. So, on behalf of my many single girlfriends, wake up and get real, guys! You're missing out on a good thing - probably the best thing to ever happen to you.

Okay, I'm off my soap box....for now. Yeah, like the above is going to get me a date. It'll probably push guys away...but at least it's honest. And maybe it'll help some guy get off his butt and ask a girl out - and that girl may happen to be one of my friends so all the words written in this entry were worth it (even if it's not happening to me).

Rollercoaster, baby!

That is what my life is...a non-stop rollercoaster. One day it's the fastest in the world; the next day it's the scariest with mind-blowing drops; and then the day after that it can be more of a kiddie ride. Seriously, it's no wonder I was exhausted yesterday. I slept for 16 hours. I had trouble focusing my eyes and not getting dizzy. I didn't have a cough, sneezed, or had any sort of temperature. I just couldn't clear my head. Today, I feel like a whole new person! I guess that I just needed to rest. And rest I did...16 hours!

I found out some good news personally and from a friend. The personal one I'll keep to myself for now but it's helped my demeanor today. But a good friend of mine from CA is having her second child this year! I'm so excited for her. It's another little girl (she has a little girl already named Lucy). If it works out, I may get to see her and my other friend and her son for lunch while I'm in CA in April. It'll be so great to see them with their families in person! I haven't gotten to see their babies yet so I really want it to work out that I can see them - even though my time is short there.

This friend of mine is also on the "Move Tiffany back to CA" bandwagon; actually, I think she's more like the Ringleader. She's always wanted me to be back. I just have never wanted to move back - but since there are so many things NOT happening here I'm open to the fact that I could be moving again. But I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT move back to Los Banos or Fresno. No offense to my family and friends there, but I don't want to live in those cities again. It's great to visit but not to live for me. If I move back, it's to somewhere that is either closer to the mountains or the beach. However, I'm not really a CA girl anymore; yes, I miss the beach but the fast, workaholic lifestyle - definitely not. So, we'll just see what God has in store for me. I'm just ready to keep my options open. And I'd really like to meet somewhere back here and get married back here. But I know I'll be happier with God's plan for me...so I'm willing to wait.

Plus, I can't move soon - Alisa and Jen are planning my 30th birthday! I can't miss that! I have a lot of friends that will be there to celebrate with me - who care about me as a person and accept me though I'm sometimes messy. I really appreciate them and that God has allowed me to be part of their lives - even though I only see some of them sporadically. So though the party is in my honor - I'll feel honored and humbled that they showed to support me.

Why am I so stupid?

Seriously, why am I so stupid? I'm not talking about in the intelligence way - although you could argue that it could have a little to do with it. I just opened up about something today to a few friends. I admitted that I like this other person. I don't even know why I'm attracted to him because he doesn't really know that I exist - in that way. I have to be cryptic here because, though I don't think he'll ever read this blog, I can't let him know. I'll feel stupid and like a fool. But I have to admit that I want to get to know him better. I'm curious about him past what everyone sees on the outside but I'm never ever around him. Maybe once every couple months. Really, I think that the attraction is partly physical but mostly, it's curiosity. Curiosity killed the cat - so why can't I let it go? We're probably not compatible in a romantic way but that still doesn't make me want to not want to get to know him.

Because I'm stupid. I always start to like guys that don't have a clue that I exist. Why can't I be attracted to someone that is attracted to me back? It's not supposed to be this hard. If you like someone and they like you back, it should be easy. But that never happens to me. In fact, it's always been really bad timing - that's why I've never had a boyfriend. It always ends up that one of us is moving on so only then does one of us open up - just before leaving - and admit that at one time we had the hots for each other. On one hand, it's good because it's obvious that the other person wasn't the one the God wants us to spend eternity with. On the other hand, I've never had any experience with relationships so as I get older I'm less and less confident in saying yes to someone I like. I feel like I'm a total baby when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. I'm pretty good at hanging out with guys due to the fact that I LOVE most sports. But that sometimes gets in the way of dating. I'm thought of as a "buddy" or a "safe" girl - like I don't expect to be treated like a lady. Can't I be both? Can't I be treated like a lady and a friend? Apparently, guys don't think so.

It gets frustrating. I don't want to give up my love of sports and I can't give up my girly side. I'm at a loss at what to do. If guys can't accept me as either, both and/or - then am I ever going to be excepted as dating "material?" Will I ever be a girlfriend or, more importantly, a wife? Or am I destined to be alone because the opposite sex can't open their eyes and see what an amazing gift I can be for any man: a female who would actually love to go to sporting events with them, would make awesome food for "our" many sports-related parties, and am a fun personality to boot?

You men - you're really the stupid ones sometimes. And that's the cold, hard truth. Even if this person is attracted to me - just bear with my fantasy for a moment - he hasn't done anything about it. I was told that maybe he was hurt before and it's really hard for him to open up. Well, it's been years since we've known each other and if it's taken him this long, then he's not very bright and is letting a good thing slip away. Which makes me not want to like him but right now I don't have a choice in the matter; it would be easier if I could just turn off this curiosity but, apparently, I broke the nob. At least, not until the next poor man comes along that attracts me to him though he's actually wearing repellent. :-)

Is the desert calling?

He leads us on by paths we did not know; Upward He leads us, though our steps be slow, Though oft we faint and falter on the way, Though storms and darkness oft obscure the day;Yet when the clouds are gone,We know He leads us on. He leads us on through all the unquiet years; Past all our dreamland hopes, and doubts and fears, He guides our steps, through all the tangled maze Of losses, sorrows, and o'er clouded days;We know His will is done;And still He leads us on. - Nicholaus Ludwig Zinzendorf

Is the desert calling me? Or is it just playing with my emotions? That's what I want to know today. Will I be strong enough? Is there anything that I have to be strong about? Those are the questions I have today. Is it the end? Is it the beginning? Is it the middle? Is it just transition? This is what I don't know about life today.

The only thing I do know and am clinging to: that He knows what's best for me, for everyone. Whatever happens next is what's supposed to happen (and, of course, I pray that the good thing happens though I know that there's just as good of chance that the bad thing will happen instead). Still, you have to hope and be positive in the midst of so much uncertainty. Otherwise, what do we have but despair, depression and sadness. I choose to be positive - as much as I can be when things don't seem to be going right.

Everything all at once

It must state in the miniscule text in the Book of Life that everything has to happen all at once. It can't be gradual or you can't have one thing happen, fix it and then the next thing comes. No, we have to multi-task our problems. It's no wonder we (Americans) have high stress levels and are the fattest country on this planet.

Right now, my personal life is a little chaotic -though I've learned to accept it and put one foot in front of the other not worrying about the next step until it's here - otherwise I'd drive myself into the looney bin. One of the issues that I'm dealing with is health - that of a few in my family and my friends. I'm trying to be very positive but, to be brutally honest, I'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop - literally. I'm sure that with my luck, if it's going to happen, it's going to happen soon. Everything for me always happens at once - the bad thing about that is that it's all always bad. Not one positive happens in that time. I have to get through the bad stuff with not one iota of hope. If I didn't have a strong faith, I'm sure I'd be in a straight jacket by now. So besides trying to find a full-time job, figuring out why I'm so unattractive to the opposite sex so I can finally answer the question, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" that I get asked on a daily basis, finding a way to make my life debt-free and become a better friend, I may have to deal with health issues, too. You see, nothing good. It all may be going somewhere good but it's all negatives to work through; there just can't be one thing that just happens that's good that I don't have to work for - you know, it just happens without you even knowing.

What is getting me through is that I'm used to this. I don't cry much anymore; I just put it on my shoulders and walk through my day - half like a zombie and half just like a busy person. I found that being busy helps you not think of so many of the bad things. It's not that the busyness helps you avoid them, but it helps them to not overrun your life so you become a weepy mess. The lack of sleep also doesn't help but if you only give yourself enough time at rest in order to sleep in your bed, then you also don't have to think about the bad things as much - you don't have time! You must use the lag time to sleep (even if it's only 6-7 hours a day, which is what I'm averaging right now).

I don't mean to complain; I just need to get things off my chest. I fully realize that there are many people in this world that have bigger problems than mine. But we all have to release at some point or else we'll drive ourselves crazy. Everybody's problems are for each of us to share, support and help them get better.

But wouldn't it be nice if for once we can have one thing happen good in the midst of all the bad? I feel like all I ever talk about is not having a full-time job that I'm good at and like, not having a relationship, still being in debt and health problems. I'd just like for one of those things to change. 1 out of 4 would be great. All would be better; but 1 out of 4 is a good start. There would be hope and it would be easier to tackle the other three. Then again, I know God is teaching me something with all this. So, it may have to stay this way: everything all at once. Maybe that's the only way "it" works: this thing we call life.

Countdown 3 plus the future

49 days and counting....I had to do the countdown today because it's one of my favorite numbers. Yes, those who know me know exactly why: it's because of my beloved SF 49ers. :-)

You know, the future is very open right now: meaning I have no idea where I'm supposed to go from this point. I'm trying to figure out a way to get out of debt faster while finding a career. I love Ballroom dancing and I'm good at teaching it but I just don't see a career because physically I can't teach all day and I don't see any possibility of furthering my career at the studio beyond being an instructor (the reasons for which I'll keep to myself for now).

So, I'm now actually considering going back to school - and I have several degree options to consider. My first action though is to get my transcripts and figure out requirements to either do a second major or apply for a Master's - of which I have to cough up $9 just for a piece of paper at an institution that I gave over $14,000 already. But it will be worth it and $9 isn't necessarily going to break my bank account.

Consideration #2 is the continuation of finding a full-time job with benefits. This has been and is an on-going process. So, I have to keep it up even though I will be checking out other options. There could be that perfect job out there for me but it just isn't time yet. I have to be patient and keep sending out those resumes.

Consideration #3 is to check out this Toastmasters thing. My boss at the H-T informed me of the organization - it helps people become better public speakers (and meets way earlier than I ever get up). She said that it might also look good on my resume. I need to look into that soon.

Consideration #4 is to seriously think about taking cooking classes or going to Culinary school. I love to cook for people and entertain. Why not make money at it?

Consideration #5 is that maybe I'm not supposed to have a career but am in certain places so that I find that special someone in order to start a family and be a mom and wife. But, really, isn't that what I'm doing right now? Until something changes, this is where I'm at: waiting for something to happen to me that's positive like a relationship or a sound career.

But the relationship thing, while I want one badly, I don't think is the end all/be all to my life. I'd love just to date someone that has the possibility of becoming a commited relationship. I don't want to date anyone that is going to put pressure on me or himself to have something serious right away - even because I'm closing in on 30 and my biological clock is getting louder. And though it would be nice that the first person I kiss is the only person I kiss for the rest of my life, I know that it's not realistic. So I may have a few relationships before I find him. I just would like the searching to finally start - I mean, I've waited patiently for nearly 30 years; I should at least be rewarded with a boyfriend this year (even if it doesn't last forever).

On the other hand, I'm not sure that any man is going to accept me for who I am: not a supermodel...not incredibly smart though I'm definitely not a dimwit...am outgoing and outspoken...strong when I need to be but still need comforting...and someone who likes to relax. Most of the Christian men I know are very reserved, boring and not-aggressive enough to ask a girl out; they prefer to be pursued (which is backwards thinking). They also want these camera-ready women who seem to have the perfect body, bra-size and are at least as successful as them. I don't fit into that category and I've not found a guy that likes sports as much as I do, accepts/respects my knowledge and finds me to be attractive inside and out. So I find it hard to believe that there is anyone out there for me. I am a bit clumsy - physically and in life. There are times that I just have to laugh at the situations that I sometimes get myself into and I need somebody who is going to laugh with me - not at me.

Plus, I always seem to be attracted to men that will never be attracted to me. So the one time that it's mutual, maybe he'll be the one. Again, I hightly doubt it since I've never been attracted to the men who like me (which have never been compatible with me in the first place so I don't know why they're even attracted). It's just a vicious cycle that I wish would finally end by either God blatantly telling me that I'm supposed to be single or Him finally giving me a reason to hope. Either way, I don't have time to concern myself with it because I have to pay my bills - and focusing on this doesn't pay the bills. Though it would make things a bit easier if someone of the opposite sex thought me to be "amazing, gorgeous, talented" (and I thought of him the same way) - it would definitely improve my self-esteem.

Countdown 2...and other stuff

54 days and counting....:-)

There has been a few exciting things in the last couple days. They aren't big things but they make the day go a little smoother. For one, I just found out that I have QuarkXpress on my computer! Yay! I love working with Quark. Of course, it's only 4.0 so it doesn't have some of the options I'm used to using but it's a whole heck of a lot better than using Word for this work project I have right now. If I could afford to put it on my computer at home, I'd buy it. So, for the last two days I've been using my favorite program. :-)

Also, I had a great Bible study Tuesday night. We didn't actually do a study but reflected on our studies from last year and decided what we wanted to do next. It was nice to finally get back to a somewhat normal schedule - although a very, very busy one. However, fitting in two evening Bible studies a week is all the time I have to relax during the entire week, as my weekends now have become part of my weekdays! Ugh! I'm hoping that after Feb. 12, things will calm down a bit but I'm not really holding my breath. Until I find a full-time job with benefits or am more financially stable, I doubt things will get any better soon. Here's to hoping they will, though.

I just don't want to end up in a rut and burned out. I really don't have many to support me because I'm too busy for them to be there for me. And those who are my close friends have different schedules than me. This is where a significant other would be appropriate but, alas, that isn't in the near future. It would be nice to start dating again though. But I'm also not in a rush so I guess where I am right now is right where I'm supposed to be. I don't have a lot of time anyway.

I'm looking forward to my performances (Night in Old Vienna and Indy Classic) but right now I'm looking more forward to Feb. 5 - although it's a super busy day. Feb. 5th is the Super Bowl. I don't have anywhere to go yet but I'm sure that someone will have something that I could go to. I don't really want to be home alone watching it. I would throw my own thing but I'm busy intil 6 p.m. that night with things at church so there would be no way that I could host anything.

Go Steelers! I never thought I'd say that. But I'm a Randle El fan - and the Colts choked - so that's who I'm rooting for. I just can't wait until the Niners are in the playoffs again - but I'll probably be waiting for awhile. :-)

Under Construction

It's a new year...and a new and improved me (well, not yet but I'm working on it). In celebration of "new beginnings," my blog is also getting revamped. So, while I give my online journal a "facelift," please be patient. I am also planning on putting pictures on this year and I don't know how yet.

Although, I think I have found a good title. "Lost in Space" applies to me as a person (I can be "lightheaded" at times) and to the nature of this blog (since I seem to write about everything from sports to sleep deprivation to things that frustrate me).

Not only am I cleaning up my clutter, but I'm coming clean. No more lauriejotiffers.blogspot.com. I'm using my real name and all that that implies. If I'm to have an online blog and be honest on it, I want to be real in identity, too. Why be open and hide behind a fake name? I've now come to the conclusion that hiding behind a surname, while it might seem mysterious, is more like you're hiding out - for me anyway. So I'm coming clean, as Hilary Duff would sing.

Please visit me soon and check out all the new "stuff." Have a wonderful day!

Kobe - Wow!

It's nice to prove everyone wrong, isn't it? All those naysayers and know-it-alls finally get put in their place. Thank you, Kobe, for doing what I couldn't: prove to everyone that watching you play is better than any NBA Championship won by the Lakers in the recent years with your former "teammate."

I've followed Kobe Bryant since before he was a Laker. I read about him in both stories and interviews. I was so impressed and became a fan quickly. Then I found out he had always wanted to be a Laker - my team from the beginning. As a kid, he watched Lakers games and learned to move like Magic (along with others). So how excited was I that he actually became a Laker?! How amazing a part did fate play in that turnout? He wanted to be a Laker and he got his wish. Then he preceded to win championships and bring the glory back to L.A. But he did need a big man to do it. To be honest, I never really liked Shaq. He had to grow on me but even when he did help us to National Championships, I still wasn't that impressed. Had he stayed and Kobe left, I'd have been super upset. I can't be 100% sure but I think it would've been the only time I left my favorite team and followed a player instead. That's not like me - at all. I stick to my team even when it's bad (all of them). But I think Kobe is the only player that would be able to make me root for another team - whatever team he plays for.

That says a lot since my favorite player of all-time is Jerry Rice (of which my friends will immediately tell you about my "shrine" to the SF 49ers & IU Hoosiers). When he left SF, I didn't follow him though I still watched him play (and psychotically imagined him still in a Niner uniform though he was playing for the Raiders). But I have no doubt that I would go where Kobe goes. He is the best in the NBA and he cannot be denied that label especially now that he has a chance to prove it. There's nobody in his way hogging the spotlight or the ball.

What Kobe did last night was the mark of a great baller. His team was lethargic. He was ticked off. So he had to do it himself. I do think that the W was more important to him. He still has something to prove, people. He wants to get back to the Finals and win it - without Shaq - and that means the Lakers have to win. If he has to put up 81 points a game to do it, you know what?, he will. He has no fear and doesn't care what the critics say. He got the W; that's all that mattered.

But for the rest of us, it was a night that we'll all remember. It was the reason why fans watch sports - to witness individual and team feats like last nights. To watch records get broken or almost get broken. Wow! That's the only word to describe it.

Thank you, Kobe.

Good movie

"Glory Road" is a good movie - no matter what the critics say. It may not be the best movie ever made but it was so fun to watch. I laughed, I thought, I smiled, I teared up a little and I cheered. It was what a movie should be. It should be enjoyable in lots of different ways. There wasn't too much dialogue and actually had guys playing basketball. There are some sports movies that forget that the characters should actually be playing something. It looked so real, too. And they had the right actors for it; great casting. Thank goodness Affleck passed. He would not have been a good Don Haskins - just not the role meant for him. Josh Lucas was great in the role. I really can't see anyone else taking on the feat. Nice job.

I have to say that it still didn't compare to "Remember the Titans" or "The Rookie" but it held up against them for the most part. I was excited to see a good sports movie finally. But, seriously, nothing has come close to "Remember the Titans." What a great movie! Such a shame that it was passed over that year. I saw every movie that was nominated that year and I was very surprised that RTT wasn't one of them; actually, I was angry. But what could you do.

On another note, there was a nice preview of the new Disney movie, "Eight Below." I can't wait to see it! Of course, it also helps that Paul Walker is one of the leads. Thank goodness he's in something not involving cars or sexy women. I liked the "Fast and the Furious" and it's sequel but you kinda wish that your favorite actors star in movies that are either more family-oriented or Oscar-worthy. You want to see them respected. Then again, you don't know them and their desires so you really have no right to say anything - just give your opinion and that's it. I'm just glad that he's in something family oriented and a Disney movie (that isn't "Meet the Deedles" - it was enjoyable but forgettable, if you know what I mean).

However, the next must-see movie on my list is "The Pink Panther." Laugh if you want, but I can't wait to see Steve Martin play Inspector Jacques Clouseau...."Cato, Cato, where are you?" LOL. My favorite scene out of all of the first movies has to be the moat scene. I can watch it over and over and laugh just as hard each time. I love it! All the Cato scenes are a close second.

Countdown

So there isn't a lot for me to look forward to except my birthday (and visiting my family/Jennie's wedding in April). Here's the latest countdown...63 days.

Hook 'em, Horns! Yee Haw!

Though it didn't come at the hands of Fresno State this year, USC's loss in the Rose Bowl to Texas was still satisfying. And I like Texas - of course, mainly because my Brother's Godfather's son is a walk-on player who won a scholarship last year. He's a sophomore so he doesn't play much right now but he's getting in there. It's nice to have a personal connection.

Plus, I got to see Texas in action last year in the Rose Bowl against Michigan. Wow! What a game to witness in person. It was awesome! You watch Vince Young and keep rubbing your eyes because you just can't believe that what he does is real. It's almost as if you're watching a cartoon. He's so quick and amazing. He so deserved the Heisman this year. No offense to Reggie Bush. He's a great player; one of the best ever. But Vince is the MVP of his team, his conference and, to me, the entire nation. He does everything and even when things seem impossible, he finds a way. He deserved it more. But I guess the consolation prize isn't so bad: the National Championship and MVP of the Rose Bowl. Things don't get much better than that for a college football player. :-)

Hook 'em, Horns!

I have so many "issues"

Well, here it is Wednesday, January 4. My parents are back, I work at the studio for the first time since last Wednesday (a full schedule) and for no reason my neck and back decide to act up. Oh, yeah, I have had a lovely day. I've been trying to figure out how I'm going to teach five lessons tonight when I can barely move the area from the base of my skull to my last vertibrae. Ugh! The dancing Monday didn't do it. I wasn't doing anything that was overly stretching or fast or jumpy. It was more lyrical with my arms (a few turns here and there) but nothing to extend any of the areas. I was very careful; I always am now especially since I started back at the studio. Plus, I felt fine all day yesterday. Why would it show up now? I was fine when I went to bed both nights. But I woke up barely able to move this morning. I was late by an hour to work (of course, I called in to let them know what was happening). I've been doing what I need to but not even Advil is working. I have no idea what else to do.

So I've been thinking about this all day and I just realized what is happening: my stress is manifesting itself physically. When I really thought about it, I realized that I have a ton of issues still hanging over my head. There are so many things that I have to take care of that it's showing up physical. In addition to the facts that I had a pretty tough week and haven't been getting enough sleep, it's no wonder I can walk at all today. I suspect that Monday nights dancing had a little to do with it, I know that it was just a little bit. Seriously, I didn't do much at all even though it was for an hour. I watched and moved to four videos (a total of 7 times in an hour; I rested a lot and did choreography in my head during those rest times - I didn't do it physically). So it couldn't have led to this. I mean, I've done 10x more at the studio in one 45 minute lesson that I did Monday night physically.

Plus, it started in my neck. My back didn't feel bad this morning. It was my neck and shoulders. The last two times it started in my neck and spread to the rest of my back over the day, it was due to stress and too little of rest. Since my injury, I'm much more in tune with my body. Those last two times there also wasn't anything physical that I could link to it. I know that this has to be stress-oriented.

I've been able to fool myself for awhile; my body is finally trying to tell me to do something about my stress level. And believe me, I'm determined now to take care of this stress once and for all. I can't afford to be out of work because my back or neck is acting upon my stress level. No can do. So I'll be resting and putting my life in better order - starting immediately by picking back up my search for a full-time job with benefits. :-)

Red & Gold Forever!

I just found another sign that I was destined to always be a Niner fan. Taking a small break from work, I logged on to the San Francisco 49ers website and perused the current info. I found the sentence in the stadium facts section of the site:

The sod is technically known as "Tiffway II Bermuda", but in lay terms it is a hybrid of Bermuda with a Perennial Rye over-seed.

Tiffway...hmmm. Don't they mean Tiffany? :-) Yeah, I can rationalize just about anything that could possibly uphold my love of the Niners. :-)

Go Niners! We'll be back...and the word "dynasty" will then once again be uplifted to it's right full place: after San Fransico 49ers. :-)

Patriots who? Yeah, whatever.

From Sleep Deprivation to Dance

Yeah, it's like that this morning. But it's the opposite of being sleep deprived...actually, it's called Tylenol PM. I had to take a dose last night because I was pretty achy and I wanted to sleep. Instead of taking the 1/2 dose that I usually do, I took a full dose. So now I find myself feeling a bit drugged this morning. It usually wears off by now but there are no signs of that happening yet.

However, something happened last night that was a good thing. I watched a movie that had a music video as one of the extra features. It's a really nice song and inspiring. It inspired me to...dance. So I did - by myself in my living room (well, the upstairs living room) and barefoot. It was so much fun that I replayed the video about another three times. After that, I was so energized that I had to do more. I remembered that I had a few other movies that had music videos on the DVD so I took out those and did the same thing. These aren't hip hop videos or anything like that but they are songs that inspire me to dance. This went on for about an hour. I was getting tired and afraid that I was going to hurt my back so I stopped and watched another movie. But I so enjoyed the time that I did that. It was free-moving, spiritual, relaxing and all-consuming. It felt so great!

I love ballroom dancing but I almost love to dance behind closed doors more. Really, it's like lathargic for me. It's so calming...and it's the only exercise where you sweat that I like. One of the reasons why I love to swim so much is that you don't sweat. But I don't mind sweating when I'm dancing - not at all. :-)

My New Year's Resolutions

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Because I didn't get to see some of you this New Year, I wanted to make sure that I I wrote the following thoughts on my blog. I hope that you were able to spend a very happy new year with your friends and/or family.

Mine was pretty nice. I had a good time and was able to relax for a little bit.

However, it was also a thinking week for me. I'd like to let you guys in on a few thoughts and resolutions for my new.

Let me begin by saying that I do not think of myself as a very brilliant person or that my advice is always good. But some things have been revealed to me over the past week (well, year, really) that as I grow closer to my 30th year on this planet (77 days and counting), are good to reflect upon. And since I'm reflecting, I thought that maybe, as my friends, you should know what I'm probably going to be concerned with for the next year.

First is that to have friends you first have to be a friend. I'm not sure I've done this so well this year. At times, I have been okay. And at other times, I have really screwed up. But I've learned a lot from the screw ups about myself and my friends. Including the big fact that the people who stuck by me through my difficulties have proven to be my true friends. The people who give me advice that I don't want to hear but know I need to are my true friends. Those who forgive me for my flaws are also my true friends. And those that I do the same for - forgive, advise and stand by - I regard as my true friends. Friendships aren't always peachy keen. There are times where differences will create conflict - Jennie and I know. There was a time about four or five years ago that really tested our friendship (that situation stays between the two of us; so don't ask me what it was). It proved to strengthen it instead of weaken it. So, really, it's how you get past those conflicts that makes your friendship - or breaks it.

Second, there are important things in life and urgent things in life. Don't get them mixed up. The urgent things are our daily tasks: go to work (on time), take out the trash, get gas in the car, mail out that bill before it's too late, etc. The important things in life are those things that make a difference: communicating with our families and friends frequently (making sure that they know they are important to you - I'll be the first to admit that I'm not so great at this but I am determined to get better), serving others at every opportunity and continually growing to be a better person tomorrow than you are today. I am just like everyone else: I put the urgent things before the important things, always. It gets worse every year. This year was one of the hardest for me. Trying to put some of the important things first meant giving up the urgent things; that proved to be too hard at times so I failed. The urgent things won and the important things got pushed aside. We don't know how long we're going to be living on this earth so every day is important. But it's also important to know that there is another day to wake up to; some things you just have to let go and let God take control. He's the only one who knows the number of our days and He's the only one we can truly trust our days with.

Third, take risks. Don't sit on the sideline. Get out and play (and I don't mean just sports). I mean love with abandon, forget your fears and enjoy your life! Don't let the bah-humbugs of the world keep you down. Smile and laugh when they frown and do something that is so unlike you that it baffles them but doesn't define you. One thing that I have realized about myself is that I am a risk-taker. Believe it or not, I take risks everyday. I fought for my dream of being a dancer and guess what? I may not have succeeded the way I wanted but I'm still dancing; and loving every minute of it. I may not have published any of my writing yet but I've gone through the steps toward that goal. Now, all I have to do is take that last step and start submitting some of my stories. Whether I succeed or fail isn't important; it's that I took the risk. How are you going to know if you're good at something if you don't actually try? Lastly, take the risk to love someone: an enemy (which, of course, none of us have, right?), a friend, a family member that needs you but won't admit it or a person you're crushing on. In our world today, we don't "touch" each other enough. Guys are afraid to ask out girls and girls are afraid to say yes to some of the guys that do ask. We live in a culture immersed in divorce, one-night stands and quickie marraiges. But don't sit out of the whole dance. Do a little waltz; if your partner steps on your feet, change partners. Maybe try a swing this time. Find the one that you dance the best with, not the one that everyone thinks you dance the best with. You may have to go through some pretty bad dancers before you find Mr. or Mrs. Right. But if you don't have anything in common with the partner and have no interest, don't give them false hope by continually saying yes just because you want to dance. Respect yourself and them by being real and genuine. You'll both be better for it. And let go of relationships that are going nowhere. If it isn't happening or "growing," then it isn't what God wants for you, period. Take a risk and walk away. If it's meant to be, God will bring it back to you. If not, then you know He has something so much better for you. And that should excite you more about your future.

Fourth, well, it's kinda like number 3 in some ways and number 1 in other ways - feel. Really feel. Don't let the things going on around you get you down so much that you have a "Such is life" attitude. I'm such an example of this sometimes. The old saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade," I found really works. When things get bad, do something to make them better. Don't sit and sulk. Of course, there will be times when we need help. Reach out to someone you trust. Invite them over to help you make that lemonade. Sometimes we forget an important ingredient in lemonade: the sugar, pure real sugar. To me, the sugars are the people in our life that makes us who we are. God didn't make us to be alone: otherwise none of us would be here. There would be only one person and one name: Adam. I have known more than one Adam in my young life so far...and Jennifer's and Rebecca's and Doug's and Patty's and Mike's and Stacy's and Amy's and Susan's and Alis...oops, sorry, I've only known one Alisa. :-) And I like the fact that I've know more than one of all of your names. Each have had something spectacular about them that I felt really special to get to know. Take inventory of your friends and family; find the good in them. Forgive the bad but help them to fix it, too. You wouldn't be a good friend if you didn't care enough to do that.

One side note to number 4: call each other. Talk. In person, on the phone, doesn't matter. We don't call each other back right away. We are too tired or it's too late. So leave a message. We have gotten into the habit of taking talking to one another for granted. I'll be the first to admit that I don't call enough. But I've also learned that some don't call me right back anyway. I will no longer care about that. I may call you more than once in a day (and vice versa): return the call. Don't wait two or three days unless you really can't help it. Being respectful of each other means communicating even when you don't want to; it's another way the urgent things have replaced the important things.

Fifth, and last, celebrate your birthday! Okay, so I'm never going to give up trying to convince everyone I know that their birthday is a very special day. I know that this part of me will never change (even though I've finally given over that my subconscious is a little worried about turning 30). I'll always love to celebrate my birthday and yours - if you let me. Remember that it's the one day every year that you deserve to do something that makes you happy. I realize that sometimes I go overboard on mine but this year I put the planning of it in a friends hands. The only thing you'll be hearing from me is how long you have to prepare (77 days...or did I already mention that?). :-)

Like I said at the beginning of this: I don't pretend to be brilliant or to have advice that we haven't heard before. But this is me we're talking about. I'm a slow learner in everything: school, work, relationships - especially relationships. I just had to get these things out of my mind and written down somewhere and it just fit that I'd do it in a way that you all could read at once and in a central place.

I pray that no matter what happens between you and I, 2006 will be a year of blessings for all - no matter what those blessings entail. It's all good because it's all about God and His will for us. We just have to enjoy the ride. :-)

End Begin

Do you ever just want to start over? Just throw in the towel, move away and start in a new place, where nobody knows you and you have a different job? Like the anti-Cheers version of life.

That's how I feel right now. How is it that I even have friends? I mean, I don't set out to ruin friendships and relationships, it just somehow happens. The problem is that I kinda like the real me. I mean, I don't keep things to myself - granted that I don't always go about it the right way but sometimes you can't see what the right way is until you use the wrong way. That's how we learn.

I also am taking some risks with my life and pursuing goals. I may fall completely flat on my face but at least I will have no regrets. I may not have a lot of money but what I do have is spent on things that I need or things that will help out others. For example, all the parties I do are fun for me but they are only fun because my friends enjoy them and I feel like I've been able to serve them in a good way. I dislike having people come over and them having to work. I want them to eat off of real dishes, have a nice meal that's been prepared just for them, to not have to clean up after themselves and to enjoy each others company. It's my gift to them. But it's also their gift to me; because I enjoy throwing those kind of parties. It's a win-win. If I have $100 to spend on groceries, I'd always rather spend it on groceries for a dinner party than just for myself. Of course, that will change when I have my own family but as a single young professional, that's how I feel. This is only one example of what I like to do with the little money I do have.

Pretty much everyone I know knows me in and out for the most part. They know my flaws, my perfections (the few I have) and my insecurities. Most respect them because they know I mean no harm and am trying. Others can't accept them and that's okay. But it hurts that though I'm trying, I know there will be friends that end up non-friends. You can't please everybody no matter how hard you try because you'll always have moments in your life that will disappoint them. It's up to you to do better next time and for them to forgive you at some point. Plus, you have to forgive yourself for everything you do. You are your worst critic. It's much harder to forgive yourself sometimes than others. But you need to do it. Don't forget what you did; learn from it and move on.

So, New Year's Resolution number 4 for me is: Learn the fact that everybody you meet is not going to like you, no matter what you do. Accept it and move on. We're all created different for a reason.

Let's recap. So far I have 4 New Year's Resolutions. They are:

1) Learn to keep my mouth shut when things are out of my hands because I made them that way.
2) Be a person that deserves to have a fun 30th birthday party.
3) Back off a little; try not to be so selfish and assuming no matter what the situation is.
4) Accept the fact that not everyone is going to like me and move on. Don't cry over spilt milk.

Tall order, you think? It may be tall but it has to happen. Though I can't be perfect, I can be a better person than I am at this moment. We all can be better. We just have to come out of our self-imposed denial and accept that we aren't perfect. However, He has shown us how to strive for perfection and that's a goal worth reaching.

Christmas & New Year's Letter

Being that I found out today that a few more people read my blog than I originally thought, I will be publishing my Christmas/New Year's letter as soon as I get home tonight. I usually send a letter at least once a year around Spring to my family and friends in California, Oregon and elsewhere outside of Indiana. I didn't get to this year so instead of Christmas cards, I send my annual letter (on cute snowman paper, no less). :-)

Okay, so this day will not end. I'm about ready to step outside this building and give the most blood-curdling scream I've ever done! Work is back and forth; I can't seem to please any of my friends in any way (I'm about ready to shut off my cell phone but I can't because I'm waiting for one more call) and I have to work at the studio - including going home, getting the dog and his play pen and setting it up in the studio for him to stay during my lessons in a period of 75 minutes - and the studio will have more fresh paint. Though, that is mainly a good thing. ;-)

But I think, after today, I can breathe slightly. At least, I can once I know my parents are safely in California. Yeah, their flight was overbooked; lucky for them, they get two $400 vouchers and fly first class tomorrow morning. However, they chose to stay in Indy instead of driving back. So, I still have to rush all day caring for the dog and working two jobs. Dinner? Only if I'm lucky. I barely ate lunch. And I still will be on edge because yesterday mom and I had an account put into my name "in case something happens to them." I know things will be fine but I just can't shake that thought until they are safely on the ground 2,000 miles west of me.

I so am convinced and now completely determined to find one full-time job with benefits in the next few months. I need some sort of job security to push down my stress level. And having a significant other would be nice, too. There has to be someone out there that likes me that I like back the same way. It would so help me right now. Of course, it won't happen before New Year's but maybe, just maybe before the end of January? Is that okay to ask, Lord? But whatever Your Will is is best - I know that. It's just hard sometimes to be in this head. There are just times I want out! But just for a moment of peace; I wouldn't be me if I was unstressed and unorganized for too long - as y'all know. ;-)

Twenty Year Itch...30 Year Itch

Twenty Year Itch

She knew me twenty years
Put up with my adventurous roving
Through dusty, dry destinations,
Cracked surface made by anger from below,
To lush, glorious green gardens, touched
By the hand of God
Kept alive by outpouring of joy
From above

Family vacations, school trips
Weekends to nowhere
She cuddled me, cooed me like her infant
Loved me with concrete arms stretched
Like rubber bands
Where was born safety
Death no option, for this child

Twenty years hand in hand
We lived
Till parting
Sweet sorrow one last goodbye
To a mother who took me places
Let me abuse her with revolving rubber
Tears welled but mystery lay beyond
Eastward
No looking back
Concrete arms ended and new began
As I crossed over into Nevada

This wasn't my first poem but it was one of the better ones (exactly, not a poet am I?). Wanting to be a writer doesn't mean that I'm always a good one; it means that I'm trying and that I have a goal, a desire. And that's also what I'm doing in other parts of my life. Apparently, not very well, either. No matter how hard I try, I always end up the bad guy or the one who has "misinterpreted/misunderstood" the situation. I'm at a loss as to how this always happens. What is it that is wrong with me? How is it that I'm always the one that needs to apologize? Am I that bad of a listener and jump to conclusions too quickly? Is it always my fault? I'm so careful to try and respect everyone's wishes and to give over my wants for others. For the last year and a half, however, I've tried to not cater to everyone else's whims because it only made me feel worse and worse to have to go along with what everyone else wanted and not do anything that I really wanted. Maybe I have gone too far the other way. That has to be it. I just want too much now. So now, for my New Year's Resolution, I'll try to back off a little. I just don't want to fall back to where I used to be because that was no fun and far too depressing.

I promised myself that I wouldn't be that way again. Yes, I still have bad days here and there but they are less than they used to be - and that's partly attributed to me paying attention to not being taken advantage of so much. If there's really something I want to do, I do it; instead of giving over to everyone else's desires all the time.

And when those bad days happen, I am strong enough to call people and let them know that I'm feeling bad and need help. It has been helping. It's also been helping that I'm getting rid of things in my life that I don't need (bad-for-me-and-everyone-else food, material things, clothes that are too big or too small - basically all the clutter in my life). I'm saving money, re-arranging my priorities and talking to my family more often, too. I've taken care of issues that needed to have closure and doing things that interest me (like working football and basketball games at IU). I need to also be talking to my friends more often over the phone instead of e-mail. However, that's kinda hard when your schedule is so different than their's that the only time you have to call and talk is when they're already in bed.

E-mail can be a life-saver at times but, mostly, it has the ability to complicate your life further. You just can't say what you need to appropriately in an e-mail. Even when you're careful, it still comes across not exactly how you wanted. However, it doesn't matter if I say it or write it, it always ends the same way: with me apologizing for misterpreting. It's never the other way around even when it should be. There was a time a couple years ago when a new friend of mine and I had a brief encounter at a party. This person was joking around with the rest of us but chose to take offense at my comment, which wasn't any different than what he was saying to everyone else. In fact, he was alienating every woman in the room. He looked me straight in the eye and said something to hurt me; he really wasn't joking. I covered my hurt by saying something back that wasn't directed at him specifically and was a "safe" comment. The conversation ended there and went a different direction. I realized that maybe my comment had hit a nerve no one knew about (and I definitely wouldn't have because I didn't know him very well yet) so I decided to apologize and explain why I was apologizing; even though it wasn't malicious and was all part of our joking repertoire at the time. I let him know that I came to this conclusion because it was obvious to everyone that he meant to hurt me (he did; but I hid that fact) which meant that I inadvertantly hurt him and I was very sorry about that. Well, he never even acknowledged my apology. He didn't write me back or call me or say anything about it. And he didn't apologize; when, in fact, he should have been the one to apologize in the first place, not me.

So, you see, I just can't win - ever. I need to learn that and move on. My skin has to get thicker and I have to learn that there are always going to be people in my life that are stronger than me so they'll always win unless I put my foot down when it's the right time to do so. But I never know when that is. I fear that I never will.

Christmas and the Chaos

So, not that anyone really reads this (I don't think most of my friends really care about blogs), but I have a couple things on my mind. First, Christmas was good. My mom had a very, very good Christmas. She got the Christmas dishes she's wanted for the last 15 years; which means that my stepdad and I are finally rid of the guilt and shame we have carried from buying her the wrong ones all those years ago. It's nice to have that burden lifted.

Because her current Christmas dishes were discontinued years ago and I don't have any, I'm buying them from her for a very good price. Now, I have Christmas dishes. Woo Hoo! :-)

I also got a Poker/Blackjack tabletop for Christmas. I'm hoping to use it on New Year's Eve. We'll see what happens at the party. We don't even know who is going to show up because there is a few other things going on, too - and I kind of went a little too far in some ways. I wouldn't blame people if they didn't want to spend any time with me. But, hopefully, we'll have a good group. And I now have New Year's Resolution Number 1 for myself: learn to keep my mouth shut when things are out of my hands.

On another note, I've left planning my 30th birthday party in the hands of one of my friends (though I'm half-thinking that maybe I don't deserve a 30th birthday party; maybe I should be alone on that day like every New Year's seems to turn out - this would be the first New Year's that I'll spend with friends but I've already alienated one of them so I'm back where I started; I'm not meant to have a stress-free New Year's Eve - ever apparently). I trust her to do something nice (of course, I've also already told her what I absolutely didn't want and some ideas of what might be fun). Other than that, she has four rules to go by: I want as many family and friends there that can come (no limit), my mom to make my cake, lots of Salami and to have fun. That's it. I even gave her permission to joke about turning 30 years old, show embarassing photos of me growing up and to even have a theme birthday. I just want to be with the people I love and have a good time (and for them to have a good time, too). I don't even care about gifts. I'd be more appreciative of people being present than sending a gift.

New Years Resolution #2: Be a person that deserves to have a fun 30th birthday party.

Oh, by the way, my birthday is 83 days away...and counting. :-)

Definition of Definition

Is it bad that I have to look up the definition of the definition of Mirriam-Webster's word of the day? Upon reading further, they did add some thoughts on the word that were more than adequate for me to absorb. However, if they hadn't added that nice paragraph, I'd be looking up also what servile meant so I'd understand exactly what sequacious meant (definition: intellectually servile).

However, this little research led me to discover a new word that I like: glabrous. I'd use it this way: I wish that I had arms as glabrous as my palms. Meaning: I wish I had hairless arms, just like my palms. Our palms never have hair; a fact that I didn't know until now. I feel smarter even if, technically, I may not be smarter. :-)

Sometimes I think that the "smart" people get bored with everyday words and come up with new ones just to frustrate the rest of us. I can visualize the scene: 6-8 people sitting around a poker table, all not too impressed with their hands and not really having that much fun, conversing about how Poker is a treacherous unintelligible game to which they decide to quite and pick up a scrabble board. With a sudden rush of adrenaline at the thought of putting 26 letters together to form what we call "words," they decide to try to one up each other by creating new words not found in the dictionary. The rules also include that you have explain where the word came from (meaning what other words were used to make it up) and that they have to use it in a sentence. I feel that the words with the highest scores were voted in to the next years dictionary as a way to frustrate the rest of us and help them feel even more pompous.

Then again, the rest of us make up words all the time without them knowing. How those get into the dictionary will be a mystery forever. I mean, who ever came up with the word confuzzled?! I have to wonder what the circumstances were for someone to have to find a new word to describe the fact that they were "confused and puzzled" all at the same time. Isn't that the same thing? Americans, go figure. :-)

Frustration...and everything else

Every year it's the same: no date for New Year's. Not that it's really that important, but it would be nice to have a boyfriend so all of these holidays wouldn't be so lonely. I now have a lot of friends who are "attached" in some way. And if they aren't, they still end up having a date on New Year's. I will be home, alone with our dog for New Year's. How pathetic is that?

There is a slight possibility of a New Year's party/Poker Night but I'm not holding my breath. So far, there are only two of us interested. It just would be nice if for once I had a date with a guy that is fun and we have a mutual attraction - even if it's not supposed to last. But that's too much to ask for a girl like me.

It's just really frustrating to keep up this facade that I'm okay with how my life seems like it's going to go: alone. No boyfriend (which means no husband), no kids, no home of my own, etc. I can't even find a proper career. Again, I ask: how pathetic am I?

And it isn't easy to swallow how people (including my own mother) make comments like "You're a beautiful girl. How come you don't have a boyfriend or aren't married?" How in the world am I supposed to answer those questions?! I have no idea! I'm as clueless as everyone else! I'm not saying that I think I'm beautiful but I've come to realize that I'm not as ugly as I once thought: I am decent-looking and I am petite. Still, that seems to not really matter. My personality is pretty fun at times and I'm pretty easy to get along with. I have my flaws (physical and mental) like everyone else but I work hard on being a good person. Again, that doesn't seem to matter either.

Then others keep giving me advice or telling me how I am. "You just need to ask him yourself," "You give out certain vibes when you don't want to be around a guy," "You need to do the internet dating thing," or, my favorite, "You need to be more open to going out with different guys." I nearly scream out loud everytime I hear that one. I AM NOT GOING TO DATE SOMEONE WHO GOES AGAINST EVERY MORAL AND BELIEF I HAVE, PERIOD. And in reference to the former comments: I will not be the pursuer - he needs to pursue me as God says that he should; Of course, I'm going to give out "get away" vibes if it's a creepy guy; I now know for a fact that very, very few internet dates work out (including eharmony.com).

To be honest, I think that it is the men in our generation who have the problem but that we've (women) created that problem. I'm not against feminism but it has gone too far in some areas - especially dating. I have been out with one guy that I remember who would not allow me to open my own door. He was a gentleman in every way. Apparently, some feminists have screwed up the whole idea of chivalry. It's become a bad side effect from the whole movement. In addition to the non-door opening or being courteous, now our men think that we should be pursuing them and/or have become too intimidated to ask us out. I'm sorry, I didn't order that change. It's not supposed to work the other way around. He asks and you accept or you don't, period. Now, even when you're both interested, he won't ask you out because he doesn't want to offend you. And if you ask him, it hurts his pride and you end up not going out because of that.

Guys - you need to stop the insanity! Ask us out or at least get an idea if we're interested and then ask us out. We want to be pursued. We want to feel as if we're the most beautiful girl in the world in your eyes. But most of us aren't supermodels or beautiful actresses. Then again they have as many flaws as the rest of us "normal" girls do - they just have enough money to hide them all. And "normal" girls can give you what others can't, our respect, love and adoration. We'll return what you give to us. Sometimes you don't deserve our love and sometimes we don't deserve yours but that's how you show someone how much you love them - and remind each other that you're on this earth together. It's really that simple. If you love us, we'll love you. And I do believe that there is one person out there for everyone. It's why some of us don't get married to the person we think were meant for us. For some reason, it doesn't feel right - and maybe a few weeks, months or a year later we realize why. We meet someone new; someone who becomes our wife/husband and who we do want to spend the rest of our lives with; who we can't live without (and vice versa).

And don't say that I'm being romantic. I'm being realistic. I'm saying what we all want to say out loud but don't have the guts to - even most men want this. We all want to be in a loving relationship for the rest of our lives. No one really and truly wants to be in mediocre relationships or with "someone who is suitable." We're just too lazy to work at anything. Relationships are work; I don't personally know because I've never been in one but I've seen enough to be convinced of this fact. The ones who work hard, respect each other and really truly love the other - all those relationships work out. But when one of the two throws in the towel early - that's a shame and a calamity. In most cases I've seen, the lazy one always comes running back but it's too late. It's sad, too. They screwed up the best thing in their life because they were either being too selfish or wanted everything handed to them on a silver platter with golden toothpicks and caviar (which is really gross; how could anyone like the stuff just because it's expensive?). Everything is work, people - especially love.

Okay - I'm off my soapbox now. I guess that I'm getting a little nervous. I told my friends and my family that turning 30 isn't going to be a problem for me. But I think I have yet to convince my subconscious. Yeah, maybe I am just a little worried that I'm turning 30 and I've never had a boyfriend/real dating relationship. It would be nice to be kissed for the first time. Yeah, the movie "Never Been Kissed" could have been based on my life (including the journalism degree - I'm not a journalist but I was supposed to be; I just work at the newspaper in advertising instead - a little off the mark but a foot-in-the-door, right?). Unfortunately, I don't have an ending. The rate that I'm going, I won't ever have an ending. I don't even have a beginning.

Relief...

That's what I felt when he walked in. That's all I felt. No butterflies, no super excitement, just relief. And, at this moment (a couple hours after having lunch with him, Barbara and Matt), I'm comfortable and my mind is clear. I know now that we are meant to be friends and that's all.

It's such a big relief; although, I'm back at square one. But at least I have some answers and can move on with my life. I might go visit him but if there happens to be any lingering feelings on his end that I cannot return, that will have to stop right quick.

The problem is that everyone loved him. "He's such a doll!" "What a nice guy!" "He's a neat guy and intelligent." Yes, he is all those things but for some reason the thought of him and I as anything but friends is not appealing. It turns me off. Why? I have no clue. I don't pretend to know or be able to figure it out. And, then it's also comforting to know that there are really good people in this world that you just aren't meant to be with. It happens.

Actually, I'm a little excited now because since this book is the perverbial "closed," a new one is opening. New beginning, new possibilities, new experiences. I know that one day I'll be with a man that the feelings are mutual completely. That'll be the man that God wants me to be with forever. I can't wait to finally meet him. :-)

Just Closure

I just needed closure, that's it. No other feelings. I'm not sure what I expected but I didn't expect what I felt...nothing out of the ordinary. I'm okay with it but it was pretty unexpected with how excited I was to see him.

One of my coworkers put it in perspective for me by using an old saying: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well, that's true but usually when the person returns, there's mutual feelings. It didn't happen in this case - on my end anyway. I'll keep an open mind but unless God changes my heart, we're just good friends.

No more waiting.... :0)

It's finally happened. He called my cell. Yippee! I'm so excited that he's coming. I should return the favor, too. If he wants me to visit, I will find the time to do so, period.

Of course, I can't let him know exactly why I want to see him but we'll catch up at least. And I'll have other guests to consider but it should be a good time. I hope he arrives before the party starts so that we can chat a little before everyone comes.

I'm just really happy that he's coming - no matter what happens afterward.

Tiffany

Caller ID

Sometimes I wonder if Caller ID is a good thing. I mean, it tells you who called but if they didn't leave a message your brain goes into overdrive thinking about why.

Well, my friend called last night (the one I've made the subject of my last two entries) but didn't leave a message - again. Not saying, "Hey, I've been calling. Call me back when you get this if it's at such and such a time...", etc., etc. No, I just see his number on my Caller ID of missed messages.

And I already left him a message that calling my cell phone is much better because I'm never home anymore. Apparently, he never got that message. I guess that I'm just happy that he's tried to get a hold of me. So on one hand I feel stupid for thinking that he wasn't going to call again but on the other I wish he'd be more persistent with getting a hold of me by using the right number.

So, today I'll call him and hopefully we'll actually speak. :-)

Playing the waiting game

I'm starting to get bad at playing the waiting game. I'm tired of thinking about things too much and trying to always be patient. I know that it is a virtue and that it is a good one to have. Sometimes it is difficult to uphold because you get hurt by people not responding to you in the right - or any - way.

Take, for example, my friend who might be coming this weekend for my party. I will make one more call to him to ask if he is coming and just to talk to him and catch up. If he doesn't respond to that call, I have to let this whole friendship go and leave it as it is right now - borderline nonexistent. To be honest, I've tried to let go of all these feelings but every time I honestly try to let go, something has happened to bring them all flooding back. I don't need to have this little nerve ball in the pit of my stomach anymore. I want to see him because I think it will finally give me closure. When you lose a close friend because they were in a really bad accident and the last time you saw them was the day after they miraculously woke up from the coma they were in, it's a little hard to just stop that friendship, those feelings. I know that he moved on. What about the rest of us? What are we supposed to do? More importantly, what am I supposed to do?

Seeing him in that hospital bed the first time was bad enough. The second time was even harder because there was hope. Hope for him to recover - not for him to come back to me. I hadn't realized to that point that I loved him and wanted to be with him. I finally woke up, as it were, while he was sleeping. At least the first time, I knew that at least the feelings were suspended. Now, they are just suffering. I don't think that I am in love with him still but I do love him. I can only really truly know why I feel this way if we speak again in person and be truthful to one another. Although, it is getting pretty obvious that I am clinging to something that isn't real. But it's hard to let go of when there hasn't been any closure and you have the active imagination that I have - it's so hard to turn my brain off at any point, let alone for this. And the knowledge that he had a serious girlfriend for at least 2 years (and probably does now) hasn't seemed to squelch anything. My brain cannot get that message; though my heart knows that it can't keep beating until something is resolved. I think that maybe they are in cahoots. Until one is satisfied, the other won't be.

Another friend told me the other day that she thought I was scared to get that close to someone the first time around. She said that the possibility of doing it differently - meaning the "right way" - the second time around is keeping me from moving on; that maybe I do need to see him personally to finally know what exactly I am feeling: friendship or more than that. Maybe, no matter what happens this weekend (and if we have some sort of communication), I should be the one to visit him and figure this out once and for all. Not necessarily informing him of why I'm there but just to spend time with him as a friend. Nature has a tendency to take its course. By the end of our time together, I could finally have my answer.

And then maybe - just maybe - I can move on with my life. When one door closes, God opens a window. I may be trying to keep that door open. I have to find out how I can allow myself to close it; if that's what God's will is.

Good talk...

A friend of mine called last night and we chatted for awhile. He's one of the leaders in my Tuesday Bible study. He mainly called to ask me about ballroom classes for him and his new friend. However, I, of course, turned it into a conversation about my stuff. I tried not to but I did. I was really tired and he did ask me a few questions. People need to learn not to ask me so many questions; it makes me talk too much and about stuff that they probably don't care about.

Anyhoo, I ended up talking about the musical and then about my party - to which he discerned that my frustration was about a certain guy friend of mine. He said his name just like that. Apparently, I've told more people about this person than I thought. I mean he knew exactly who I was talking about. This person does frustrate me even though I miss him. I think that I just need to see him one more time before I can have closure on anything between us. Who knows? Maybe there is something still there but I highly doubt it. I'm sure he's moved on and has a new girlfriend (or hooked back up with the one he broke up with late last year). Still, I realize that I need closure on the whole thing - otherwise I'll still keep thinking about him and asking myself, "What if?" I'm tired of "what if's?" and not being able to move on. And - I have to move on. I have to be comfortable getting close to somebody. I trusted this guy but for some reason couldn't allow myself to get close to him. I feel like I can now but that's dumb because it would be a long distance relationship and he probably has no feelings other than friendship towards me. Anyway, my phone friend listened to all this like a true friend should. I appreciated that.

Calm after the storm

Aaaahhhh. That's me - breathing again. It turns out that all that stress and busyness and running around paid off handsomely. The Musical went well; the girls did a great job! We all received several compliments - including a special one from Peggy Welch. It was a really good day.

After the musical, Alisa had Jen and I join her for brunch at her place. She made us these wonderful scrambled eggs with mushrooms, sausage, fruit and cinnamon rolls (light Pillsbury). I broke down and had a whole one. It was a small cheat on my new food lifestyle but it didn't ruin it. I can cheat sometimes; I just have to be careful to not cheat a lot. I have to be very good this week because I'm planning to cheat a little next Sunday at my Christmas party. My friend Jen is bringing a Lemon Meringue Pie. It will be her first so I want to be able to eat a bit. Plus the Portuguese dish I'm making has one thing in it that I'm not supposed to have anymore: French bread. So, that's two cheats in one day. I will be okay though.

After brunch we went to see "Dreamer" together. It was so nice to spend some time with a couple of my close friends. I was so busy that I didn't talk to anybody; of course, no one called me or returned my phone calls when I did so that was another reason. I really needed to be with people. I was really tired but my need to relax with friends was stronger than my need to sleep. And, I did get home and go to bed pretty early so I got plenty of rest. Well, sort of. I'm pretty tired right now. I have five lessons tonight, too. I just will need to go home as early as I can and go straight to bed. We have been having meetings after work Monday nights but I'm going to politely ask to go home. I really need to rest up.

I hope this week turns out to be as calm as I think it will be. The only thing that I really have to do for my party is my weekly apartment cleaning and making the soupas. Everything else is done. It's so nice to finally have a lighter week. I'll still be busy but not stressed like the last three weeks. :-) That is a very good thing. :-)

All things pure and white

How come it's so hard to find white dresses, skirts, pants or tops when this is the season where white blankets the land? It really shouldn't be this hard. I'm still searching for white "costumes" for my angels in the musical this weekend. We have dress rehearsal tonight and all I can find are white sweats and see-through white tops. It's a bit frustrating. And then I look outside, it's snowing today. We weren't supposed to get snow in this area. It was supposed to be all up north. I'm glad that they were wrong. It puts a smile on my face to see the trees frosted with snow. It is so beautiful to me that it's hard to think negatively or stay frustrated. Snow reminds me of all that is pure and right in the world. It's a reminder that God is still in control; and it reminds me of His promises to us.

There is a song, too, that is running through my head. I absolutely adore it! I would like to dance to it but it really isn't a ballroom dance-type song. It's more of a lyrical or freestyle song. "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield. I just love it: the lyrics, music, her voice, everything. It reminds me that each day is a new day: a blank page, pure, unwritten. You can make it whatever you want. It's good for us to be reminded of that because life is so fickle and fleeting. However, it can't take away that there are only 24 hours in a day; that a new day is always a new beginning, a new chance to live better.

6 months, 7 days and counting...

or 219 days and counting...
or 31.28 weeks and counting...
or 5,256 hours and counting...
or 315,360 minutes and counting...
or 18,921,600 seconds and counting...

UNTIL...Pirates of the Caribbean II: Dead Man's Chest releases in theatres.

July 7, 2006!

I'm only a little excited. :-)

Woo Hoo! for after Thanksgiving sales!

Don't be jealous...all of my Christmas shopping and decorating are done - including wrapping the gifts! There are five gifts I need but I'm ordering them from the internet (actually, I did earlier today). It's so exciting to have all of this done! It's a weight lifted off my shoulders. I can breathe...at least a little.

I also was able to find someone else to do my solo for this weekend. I could've done it but not the way I wanted. The young woman who is doing it will do a great job so I'm okay with not doing it. I have too much to do this week between the other part of the musical, both jobs and cleaning for my mom's Christmas party this next weekend. It was such an answer to prayer to have her come up to me after church Sunday. I literally prayed in church Sunday morning for a sign, an answer to what He wanted me to do about it all. His answer: was to give me rest and piece of mind by having Kaila do it. I'll have another opportunity at a better time.

I'm really excited about the IU/Duke game this Wednesday. I took off work in the evening to go but the tickets I thought I had I don't have. And, of course, I can't afford other tickets so I'll be enjoying the game at home. For a split second, I thought about booking lessons until 8:15 p.m. (game starts at 9 p.m.). However, I realized that I would need this little break where I could go home, relax (meaning take a nap) and enjoy the game. Tonight, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday are going to be crazy. I need one crazi-less day somewhere in there. Wednesday is the only one available. I already negotiated for it off anyway.

Seriously, if I can get past this week in one piece I then can start breathing again normally. I have my Christmas party the following weekend (Dec. 11) but the only things I'll have to do for that is make the Soupas and do the weekly cleaning of my apartment. I've already decorated, wrapped all the party gifts and did some deep cleaning this week. I'll really just have to touch up everything.

I can't wait for Sunday at 12:00 p.m. to get here. :-) That's the exact moment I can start breathing again. :-)

Tiffany