Before I head to bed, and though my body isn't any more well than this morning, I have to write a little something. Sometimes when I'm unwell I'm actually the most clear. I may not be able to speak much right now or have much energy but sometimes I can actually think. And one of the things that I'm thinking is that I'm getting to know myself more everyday and that reflection is good for a person. Yes, I can rationalize too much...but tonight I came to a few realizations about myself and the people around me.
For one, I've looked at the wrong thing in people and myself. Whether it's a friend, boyfriend, co-worker or family member, sometimes I focus on the wrong things in the individual, either glossing over the red flags or the true person they are on the inside. I don't see them for who they truly are and who God sees them as. It's so hard to realize my limitations and imperfections.
For two, I've not always given myself credit when it's due either. I was pondering a recent guy I dated earlier today and started to wonder if I'd made a hasty decision. But I know that I didn't. It was the right decision. I shouldn't be with anyone that I have to completely change for...regardless of the attraction either way. We all have things that we need to change in our lives...to be better people. But to place our identity completely as someone else's just to please them is not, in any way, right for either person. And that works for anything. We have to be true to the people that God made us...the unique, perfect, priceless person that God created us to be. And we cannot stay in a relationship where the other person does not trea us with the respect and love that we desire; neither should we stay in a relationship that we aren't caring for the way we should. It's not fair to the other person; and it's pretty selfish of us.
And that goes for me and my penchant to be self-depricating even when I know the decision was right. So, on a couple of questions I've been asking myself, I'm finally clear on the answers...and they were the same answers to begin with...but good to know that I was right all along.
4.28.2009
4.27.2009
Burp N!ight
I have never ever burped as much or as hard as I have this evening...gross, I know. But I have been burping for the last four hours! It's so odd...I keep trying to figure out what I ate or if I'm sick. All the burping has made me super nausious so I've been lying on my couch watching movies. My mom called and she said that that's how her last flu started...okay, soooo not a good sign. Still, I'm kinda curious about it because I haven't burped like this EVER! But I still haven't thrown up. I just feel really tired and a little nausious...definitely not myself tonight.
So weird...so weird. I guess time will tell what this is. Sorry for sharing on my blog...but not all posts have to be my personal thoughts; sometimes they can be weird stuff like me burping all night long! I'm human, after all. No perfection here...but still priceless as one of God's princesses...even when burping!
So weird...so weird. I guess time will tell what this is. Sorry for sharing on my blog...but not all posts have to be my personal thoughts; sometimes they can be weird stuff like me burping all night long! I'm human, after all. No perfection here...but still priceless as one of God's princesses...even when burping!
4.14.2009
Tonight's Bible Study
Verses:
I Corinthians 12, 13, 14
The first thing I have to say is that I love my new Bible...it's the New King James Version. It is so good and so much closer to accuracy than the ones I have. If I read it and then another version, it gives a really good perspective on what the verse/passage really means.
Okay, so now to what I got on here to write about...
I was once told by a friend that they looked up to me as a spiritual leader....in the next conversation, they said that they may have been wrong to look to me as a spiritual leader (this was after, of course, I shied away from being seen as one since I told them that I was not perfect and that they should look to Jesus more than me). Yet another friend a few weeks ago commented on how she never knew how deep I was about spiritual matters until I spent three hours one late Sunday night talking to them about our spiritual heritage, beliefs and knowledge. To be really honest with you, this has been one of the things I've been contemplating (which I do a lot...as you can tell).
First, what is it that makes us spiritual leaders or deep? Second, how are we seen as a spiritual leader to one but not to another? Third, what makes a spiritual leader or who should be one...who is worthy to be someone's spiritual leader?
These are all tricky questions...and in my situation, you'd have to know the other people involved to know why they felt these ways individually. However, there is one thing that can be discerned from the info: how ever big or small, I am a spiritual person and I have spiritual gifts.
But what the big question that should be asked is how in tuned are we all to our spiritual gifts...and have we given God the reigns to bring our spiritual gifts to completeness?
As a young believer, and once having learned about the spiritual gifts, I wondered if I possessed the Spiritual gift of prophesy. I had many instances of visions, dreams, nightmares and things that I dreamed that eventually happened that I could not explain. I was scared of it and I admit that wholeheartedly. But I did pray for God to reveal to me if this was one of the gifts that He had given me. I don't remember how long I prayed but it wasn't more than a year; still, it was long enough for me to be satisfied that it wasn't the gift of prophesy...but it was definitely a gift from God for something else. As I grew (and did numerous spiritual gift assessment tests), I came more in tune to the actual spiritual gifts I had or that God had given me.
Recently, however, I've been questioned on this very topic and it's been posed that maybe there are certain gifts that we all have. There are very good arguments and verses to back up either side of the discussion. However, 1 Corinthians 13 has the right answer. 1 Corinthians 12 & 14 are great passages to study the spiritual gifts (especially for the ones that some sweep under the rug: prophecy, tongues, healing and interpretation of tongues). But I think we miss a very important, important point that Jesus and Paul makes emphatically, and I quote Paul in 1 Corinthians 12:8-10, "Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away." And in Jesus' words in Matthew 22:37-39, "Jesus said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
Why do many of us forget that? It’s not just about all the spiritual gifts we have or don’t have, it’s about how we love God and others. The real question is that if we truly love God and others, everything else will fall into place. But so many of us don’t, including me. A lot of us are about all the laws and picking out verses and interpreting them correctly AND incorrectly, and pointing the finger and saying “you hurt me or I hurt you or we hurt each other” and blah, blah, blah. But the first thing that should happen is that we need to love God completely and then others. And if we all came from a place of love from the beginning, all these little arguments wouldn’t mean anything and wouldn’t happen because we’d already know.
But yes, we live in a fallen world and though we are made in His image He tells us that we can never fathom completely who God is or truly the love He has for us. We fall so short because of our sin…but in the times that we do feel love for others, we are amazed at the feeling. But how awesome is it that at the times we feel we are truly loving and feel love, that His is still infinitely greater!
And so we go back to figuring out how to love more by picking out this verse and that verse and saying how we don’t do this or that enough so that’s why we aren’t loving like Him and why we can’t be friends with everyone and giving ourselves and each other excuses…excuses from our past, how we were raised differently, how we experienced different things, how only those in our situation can understand us, how we seem to think that there is some underlining negative meaning behind every word that someone says to us and that they are innately evil.
That’s a load of you-know-what and I know I have been guilty of it. It’s about love, people! The answer to all of our questions is one four-letter word: L-O-V-E.
That is my Bible study for tonight and it is so fitting. God knows that I need to find more ways to love and to let go of all the drama, all the negativity that is surrounding me. Some of it is unwarranted and unfair; some is rightfully so…but all of it is forgiven…
Because He showed us how to love with three rusty nails and a cross. What better example and picture of love can anyone think of? We can’t because it’s the greatest Love of all.
I Corinthians 12, 13, 14
The first thing I have to say is that I love my new Bible...it's the New King James Version. It is so good and so much closer to accuracy than the ones I have. If I read it and then another version, it gives a really good perspective on what the verse/passage really means.
Okay, so now to what I got on here to write about...
I was once told by a friend that they looked up to me as a spiritual leader....in the next conversation, they said that they may have been wrong to look to me as a spiritual leader (this was after, of course, I shied away from being seen as one since I told them that I was not perfect and that they should look to Jesus more than me). Yet another friend a few weeks ago commented on how she never knew how deep I was about spiritual matters until I spent three hours one late Sunday night talking to them about our spiritual heritage, beliefs and knowledge. To be really honest with you, this has been one of the things I've been contemplating (which I do a lot...as you can tell).
First, what is it that makes us spiritual leaders or deep? Second, how are we seen as a spiritual leader to one but not to another? Third, what makes a spiritual leader or who should be one...who is worthy to be someone's spiritual leader?
These are all tricky questions...and in my situation, you'd have to know the other people involved to know why they felt these ways individually. However, there is one thing that can be discerned from the info: how ever big or small, I am a spiritual person and I have spiritual gifts.
But what the big question that should be asked is how in tuned are we all to our spiritual gifts...and have we given God the reigns to bring our spiritual gifts to completeness?
As a young believer, and once having learned about the spiritual gifts, I wondered if I possessed the Spiritual gift of prophesy. I had many instances of visions, dreams, nightmares and things that I dreamed that eventually happened that I could not explain. I was scared of it and I admit that wholeheartedly. But I did pray for God to reveal to me if this was one of the gifts that He had given me. I don't remember how long I prayed but it wasn't more than a year; still, it was long enough for me to be satisfied that it wasn't the gift of prophesy...but it was definitely a gift from God for something else. As I grew (and did numerous spiritual gift assessment tests), I came more in tune to the actual spiritual gifts I had or that God had given me.
Recently, however, I've been questioned on this very topic and it's been posed that maybe there are certain gifts that we all have. There are very good arguments and verses to back up either side of the discussion. However, 1 Corinthians 13 has the right answer. 1 Corinthians 12 & 14 are great passages to study the spiritual gifts (especially for the ones that some sweep under the rug: prophecy, tongues, healing and interpretation of tongues). But I think we miss a very important, important point that Jesus and Paul makes emphatically, and I quote Paul in 1 Corinthians 12:8-10, "Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away." And in Jesus' words in Matthew 22:37-39, "Jesus said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
Why do many of us forget that? It’s not just about all the spiritual gifts we have or don’t have, it’s about how we love God and others. The real question is that if we truly love God and others, everything else will fall into place. But so many of us don’t, including me. A lot of us are about all the laws and picking out verses and interpreting them correctly AND incorrectly, and pointing the finger and saying “you hurt me or I hurt you or we hurt each other” and blah, blah, blah. But the first thing that should happen is that we need to love God completely and then others. And if we all came from a place of love from the beginning, all these little arguments wouldn’t mean anything and wouldn’t happen because we’d already know.
But yes, we live in a fallen world and though we are made in His image He tells us that we can never fathom completely who God is or truly the love He has for us. We fall so short because of our sin…but in the times that we do feel love for others, we are amazed at the feeling. But how awesome is it that at the times we feel we are truly loving and feel love, that His is still infinitely greater!
And so we go back to figuring out how to love more by picking out this verse and that verse and saying how we don’t do this or that enough so that’s why we aren’t loving like Him and why we can’t be friends with everyone and giving ourselves and each other excuses…excuses from our past, how we were raised differently, how we experienced different things, how only those in our situation can understand us, how we seem to think that there is some underlining negative meaning behind every word that someone says to us and that they are innately evil.
That’s a load of you-know-what and I know I have been guilty of it. It’s about love, people! The answer to all of our questions is one four-letter word: L-O-V-E.
That is my Bible study for tonight and it is so fitting. God knows that I need to find more ways to love and to let go of all the drama, all the negativity that is surrounding me. Some of it is unwarranted and unfair; some is rightfully so…but all of it is forgiven…
Because He showed us how to love with three rusty nails and a cross. What better example and picture of love can anyone think of? We can’t because it’s the greatest Love of all.
4.13.2009
Three Dogs & a 33 year old
I'm amazed by my friends. They are all creative in their own unique way. I love to watch and see what they do with their creativity...and I'm always awed by what they come up. I think I've become a student of others uniqueness...I love to study and watch they do and marvel.
I know that I'm creative in my own ways myself...and I truly enjoy being creative (I just wish I did it well enough to get paid for it). But last night was an example of both: a friends creativity and my creativity. It was very neat to sit there and do a project with a new friend and just be myself....no worrying about what I can or can not say to her, asking if she's having a good time or not, or worrying about what to do next. It was one of the easiest evenings I've had with a friend....and I don't really know her that well. But I got to know her better last night and I witnessed something so special about her...something that I know she doesn't see in herself yet but I'm praying will someday. She is spectacularly gifted and I pray for an opportunity for her to share those spectacular gifts.
But something that I'm very proud that I finally did is paint. Yes, we painted! I have never painted before...not truly. Saturday, I was in Hobby Lobby with a friend and finally couldn't resist the temptation any longer...I'd been thinking about taking up painting as a hobby off and on for 10 years but I've really thought about it seriously for the last two years...so I broke down and I bought acrylic paints, two 16x20 canvas', a painter's palette and a plethora of brushes. I was going to wait until next weekend or sometime this week but by the time Sunday came, I was chomping at the bit to get started. So, after my friend and I took a walk and ate, I couldn't resist any longer so I broke them out and started painting...and so did she. We had so much fun...and of course, being the artist that she is her "painting" came out so much more professional looking and prettier than mine. But, though I'm not as experienced as her with it, I thoroughly enjoyed myself because not only was I painting with a friend but I was painting for a friend. A friend of mine's birthday is a week from this Wednesday but her birthday party is next Saturday so I had to get started on her birthday gift. After realizing that the paints I bought would work for her project, too, I took the items out and painted them. It was so much fun!
I would totally be painting right now but I figured the three dogs would be a little distracting. Plus, I like spending time with them (which I am not doing while typing on this blog). They are such wonderful pets: Lela, Gracie and Betsy. I'm happy to be here with them but sad at the reason why. Their mamma's grandma passed away so the family had to go to the funeral. Boo. So, I am keeping them in my prayers and keeping their wonderful pets in my care. :-)
Getting back to the painting, it was a good release to a weekend where my emotions ran up and down. Friday was the one year anniversary of Stacey and my accident...and God was so wonderful to remind me on the one year anniversary weekend of that accident that what Jesus did was no accident. It was planned; it was meant to happen; it was destined so that He could show us just how much He loved us. I'm not superstitious or really pay much attention to signs, but the significance of this weekend being exactly one year after our accident, well, the meaning was not lost on me. During a week where I was dreading the day and gearing up for a super emotional weekend, God had other plans and His plans were so much better. I still questioned why God gave me the blessing of surviving, of walking away basically unscathed...questioning if I deserved it and if I have really been faithful and thankful and graceful for the blessing He gave me...if I've done Him and those around me good...if I deserved the blessing. And there were times that I felt I did not...but He would not let me stay there for long. He reminded me that He would do it all again...He'd die all over again for us (me) to live forever. He'd take over the driving, guiding my hands gently to a stop...and sending an angel to calm us as we looked out the window (we're convinced that woman was an angel...she was so graceful, calm, loving and merciful...and as quickly as she was there she was gone...she really was an angel, I believe it in my heart). So, right when I was about to succomb to the self-deprecating side of me, He reminded me of what this time of year meant...and that He'd do it all again, over and over, just so we'd know He loved us unconditionally.
So, though I'm 33 and still single, dog-sitting three dogs and have received blessings (which have begotten other blessings) that I don't think I deserve sometimes, He tells me that I'm beautiful to Him each and every moment of everyday. And I needed to hear that...
...and He knew that, too. :-)
I know that I'm creative in my own ways myself...and I truly enjoy being creative (I just wish I did it well enough to get paid for it). But last night was an example of both: a friends creativity and my creativity. It was very neat to sit there and do a project with a new friend and just be myself....no worrying about what I can or can not say to her, asking if she's having a good time or not, or worrying about what to do next. It was one of the easiest evenings I've had with a friend....and I don't really know her that well. But I got to know her better last night and I witnessed something so special about her...something that I know she doesn't see in herself yet but I'm praying will someday. She is spectacularly gifted and I pray for an opportunity for her to share those spectacular gifts.
But something that I'm very proud that I finally did is paint. Yes, we painted! I have never painted before...not truly. Saturday, I was in Hobby Lobby with a friend and finally couldn't resist the temptation any longer...I'd been thinking about taking up painting as a hobby off and on for 10 years but I've really thought about it seriously for the last two years...so I broke down and I bought acrylic paints, two 16x20 canvas', a painter's palette and a plethora of brushes. I was going to wait until next weekend or sometime this week but by the time Sunday came, I was chomping at the bit to get started. So, after my friend and I took a walk and ate, I couldn't resist any longer so I broke them out and started painting...and so did she. We had so much fun...and of course, being the artist that she is her "painting" came out so much more professional looking and prettier than mine. But, though I'm not as experienced as her with it, I thoroughly enjoyed myself because not only was I painting with a friend but I was painting for a friend. A friend of mine's birthday is a week from this Wednesday but her birthday party is next Saturday so I had to get started on her birthday gift. After realizing that the paints I bought would work for her project, too, I took the items out and painted them. It was so much fun!
I would totally be painting right now but I figured the three dogs would be a little distracting. Plus, I like spending time with them (which I am not doing while typing on this blog). They are such wonderful pets: Lela, Gracie and Betsy. I'm happy to be here with them but sad at the reason why. Their mamma's grandma passed away so the family had to go to the funeral. Boo. So, I am keeping them in my prayers and keeping their wonderful pets in my care. :-)
Getting back to the painting, it was a good release to a weekend where my emotions ran up and down. Friday was the one year anniversary of Stacey and my accident...and God was so wonderful to remind me on the one year anniversary weekend of that accident that what Jesus did was no accident. It was planned; it was meant to happen; it was destined so that He could show us just how much He loved us. I'm not superstitious or really pay much attention to signs, but the significance of this weekend being exactly one year after our accident, well, the meaning was not lost on me. During a week where I was dreading the day and gearing up for a super emotional weekend, God had other plans and His plans were so much better. I still questioned why God gave me the blessing of surviving, of walking away basically unscathed...questioning if I deserved it and if I have really been faithful and thankful and graceful for the blessing He gave me...if I've done Him and those around me good...if I deserved the blessing. And there were times that I felt I did not...but He would not let me stay there for long. He reminded me that He would do it all again...He'd die all over again for us (me) to live forever. He'd take over the driving, guiding my hands gently to a stop...and sending an angel to calm us as we looked out the window (we're convinced that woman was an angel...she was so graceful, calm, loving and merciful...and as quickly as she was there she was gone...she really was an angel, I believe it in my heart). So, right when I was about to succomb to the self-deprecating side of me, He reminded me of what this time of year meant...and that He'd do it all again, over and over, just so we'd know He loved us unconditionally.
So, though I'm 33 and still single, dog-sitting three dogs and have received blessings (which have begotten other blessings) that I don't think I deserve sometimes, He tells me that I'm beautiful to Him each and every moment of everyday. And I needed to hear that...
...and He knew that, too. :-)
4.09.2009
A week later...
I finally feel like myself again. I think I'm Tiffers again. That's a good thing...right?
It is but it's not. I still have some things to work on and there is still a lot that I don't understand. However, I know that I have grown...I know that I've been able to make decisions that were hard but right...and I know I've changed a lot of things for the better...and all in the last year.
In 17 hours and 26 minutes, it will be one year to the day that Stacey and I walked away from our car accident (6:06 p.m. April 10, 2008). I am a reflective person so it's very hard for me not to think about it or to think about the past year and what has happened. As cliche as this is I have to say it: there have been ups and downs and a lot of learning. But the only question that I keep asking myself is...have I really changed?...have I really grown in the right ways?...have I made enough right decisions to nullify the bad ones?...have I missed anything that I needed to have seen, done or not do? I wish I had an answer...the answer. But I don't.
And I don't think I'm supposed to...yet. On one hand, it's only been a year. On the other, I wish a year was enough. But it isn't. There are lawyers, insurance companies, doctors appointments and settlements still to decide. That brings with it the memories, losses, hurts, pains, visions reminders and the knowledge that I was one of the few that walked away...and that means guilt. Guilt for surviving when others didn't. And then right after the guilt comes relief. Relief that I get a second chance to do my life better. To have a life that is better served in, with and for God.
And then the same questions comes again, this time with tears in my eyes...have I changed? Have I made this new life better than the first? Or am I wasting the blessing God gave me?
The answer: I don't know. That makes the tears come more. Though they are flowing now, I also feel that they are good. They are release...however small...from the last year and the ones before it. From knowing the answers, any answers. From being perfect or being better...for knowing that being me is enough. Being Tiffers is enough. God loves her in any form.
And that makes me happy but motivated to love Him back more and to love those around me more...even though there have been some, are some and will be some that I find hard to love. I have to still do it.
Easier said than done, but not impossible.
The tears are stopped. Released. Renewed. Now, I'm ready to rest. Good night! :-)
It is but it's not. I still have some things to work on and there is still a lot that I don't understand. However, I know that I have grown...I know that I've been able to make decisions that were hard but right...and I know I've changed a lot of things for the better...and all in the last year.
In 17 hours and 26 minutes, it will be one year to the day that Stacey and I walked away from our car accident (6:06 p.m. April 10, 2008). I am a reflective person so it's very hard for me not to think about it or to think about the past year and what has happened. As cliche as this is I have to say it: there have been ups and downs and a lot of learning. But the only question that I keep asking myself is...have I really changed?...have I really grown in the right ways?...have I made enough right decisions to nullify the bad ones?...have I missed anything that I needed to have seen, done or not do? I wish I had an answer...the answer. But I don't.
And I don't think I'm supposed to...yet. On one hand, it's only been a year. On the other, I wish a year was enough. But it isn't. There are lawyers, insurance companies, doctors appointments and settlements still to decide. That brings with it the memories, losses, hurts, pains, visions reminders and the knowledge that I was one of the few that walked away...and that means guilt. Guilt for surviving when others didn't. And then right after the guilt comes relief. Relief that I get a second chance to do my life better. To have a life that is better served in, with and for God.
And then the same questions comes again, this time with tears in my eyes...have I changed? Have I made this new life better than the first? Or am I wasting the blessing God gave me?
The answer: I don't know. That makes the tears come more. Though they are flowing now, I also feel that they are good. They are release...however small...from the last year and the ones before it. From knowing the answers, any answers. From being perfect or being better...for knowing that being me is enough. Being Tiffers is enough. God loves her in any form.
And that makes me happy but motivated to love Him back more and to love those around me more...even though there have been some, are some and will be some that I find hard to love. I have to still do it.
Easier said than done, but not impossible.
The tears are stopped. Released. Renewed. Now, I'm ready to rest. Good night! :-)
3.31.2009
Yureka!!!!
Well, maybe it will turn out to be a "Yureka!" I've had this feeling for awhile. It's off and on and it's like feeling sick but without being able to throw up or having any kind of congestion. It's like feeling weak, jittery and nausious but not able to throw up. It's not having a cold or a fever, but you can't sleep (which isn't unusual) and when you do, you can't wake up and you have a headache off and on.
Well. Hmmm...what could it be? I missed work today because lifting my head off the pillow made me dizzy and it made my stomach nausious...really nausious. I also slept not very much and even a sleeping aid didn't help. I got about 2 1/2 hours of good sleep. So I called in sick and let my body rest...I couldn't drive anyway because I couldn't even open my eyes long enough to see what the clock said. I tried to get to a doctor then remembered that my health plan changed and I knew the doctor I had chosen was not in network...but I didn't know who was so I just went back to bed....or actually, the couch. I slept most of the day. I felt a little better late this afternoon but as soon as I left the house to go to Bible study, I felt bad again...my head started to hurt again and my stomach got nausious again. So I went back home and sat on the couch again. Then I got mad. Why am I feeling this way? It's not the first time in the last few weeks. It's happening more often and I don't know why...but I don't want to be a hypocondriac either so I've tried to kep it to myself. But this is just getting old...so I got up from the couch, logged on to my computer and started to do research.
I think that I've found the answer...but I need to go have a few tests done just to be sure. Here is what I've found.
First, I'm slightly anemic...that is a given since my blood has always been slightly iron-deficient. But it's never been really bad. I take iron supplements every so often but I try not to if I can eat more iron-rich foods. The supplements tend to give me other side affects that I'd rather not share. But I've never really researched it in depth before...well, I just did. And it's very very interesting what I found out. As I dug deeper I started to see a pattern and then realized I had every sympton when I crossed all the iron research with the fiber research. Yep, I've been focusing on eating more fiber and iron in my diet. Well, guess what? Fiber cancels out iron...if you don't eat the right foods at the right times with these two things. The higher fiber diet I've been taking is not allowing the iron to be absorbed. Being slightly anemic in the first place is why I'm having the symptoms...the spasms in the heart area, the nausious stomach, the weakness in my muscles and joints, the tiredness, the headaches (which are very unusual...I rarely have headaches).
And it's all related to the really bad diet I have and how I've just so screwed with my body that it's messed up and mad at me. But I know that I can't necessarily diagnose myself. I need to have a doctor look at me....so that's the next step, finding a doctor and figuring this out for real and for good. Because I don't like feeling this way or staying home from work and I'm not hawking out a lunch or have a fever or have pneumonia. It's a good reason to take a day off of work...I mean, if you can't get out of bed because you have a deficiency is something you have to take care of...but I don't want to miss another day of work because of it.
I am going to bed now. I will get up in the morning. I will go to work. I will work well...while also looking at who is in our network as far as doctors go and I will make an appointment.
Good night.
Well. Hmmm...what could it be? I missed work today because lifting my head off the pillow made me dizzy and it made my stomach nausious...really nausious. I also slept not very much and even a sleeping aid didn't help. I got about 2 1/2 hours of good sleep. So I called in sick and let my body rest...I couldn't drive anyway because I couldn't even open my eyes long enough to see what the clock said. I tried to get to a doctor then remembered that my health plan changed and I knew the doctor I had chosen was not in network...but I didn't know who was so I just went back to bed....or actually, the couch. I slept most of the day. I felt a little better late this afternoon but as soon as I left the house to go to Bible study, I felt bad again...my head started to hurt again and my stomach got nausious again. So I went back home and sat on the couch again. Then I got mad. Why am I feeling this way? It's not the first time in the last few weeks. It's happening more often and I don't know why...but I don't want to be a hypocondriac either so I've tried to kep it to myself. But this is just getting old...so I got up from the couch, logged on to my computer and started to do research.
I think that I've found the answer...but I need to go have a few tests done just to be sure. Here is what I've found.
First, I'm slightly anemic...that is a given since my blood has always been slightly iron-deficient. But it's never been really bad. I take iron supplements every so often but I try not to if I can eat more iron-rich foods. The supplements tend to give me other side affects that I'd rather not share. But I've never really researched it in depth before...well, I just did. And it's very very interesting what I found out. As I dug deeper I started to see a pattern and then realized I had every sympton when I crossed all the iron research with the fiber research. Yep, I've been focusing on eating more fiber and iron in my diet. Well, guess what? Fiber cancels out iron...if you don't eat the right foods at the right times with these two things. The higher fiber diet I've been taking is not allowing the iron to be absorbed. Being slightly anemic in the first place is why I'm having the symptoms...the spasms in the heart area, the nausious stomach, the weakness in my muscles and joints, the tiredness, the headaches (which are very unusual...I rarely have headaches).
And it's all related to the really bad diet I have and how I've just so screwed with my body that it's messed up and mad at me. But I know that I can't necessarily diagnose myself. I need to have a doctor look at me....so that's the next step, finding a doctor and figuring this out for real and for good. Because I don't like feeling this way or staying home from work and I'm not hawking out a lunch or have a fever or have pneumonia. It's a good reason to take a day off of work...I mean, if you can't get out of bed because you have a deficiency is something you have to take care of...but I don't want to miss another day of work because of it.
I am going to bed now. I will get up in the morning. I will go to work. I will work well...while also looking at who is in our network as far as doctors go and I will make an appointment.
Good night.
3.30.2009
Castle
One last thing for tonight...I've been watching this new show called Castle while writing tonight. It's not the best show on TV but there is something about it that just draws me to it. No, it's not Nathan Fillion...though I have to say that he is very fine. I think what sparks my interest is the situation, the plot of the show. Since I was a little girl I've loved to figure things out...to watch a movie and try to figure out the end before it happens. And it's like that with Nathan's character in the show. He's a writer whose riding along with a detective, doing research but solving crimes and being a total part of the case. It's awesome! I kinda want to be him. It's really sparked something in me. It's just fun to watch and try to figure things out.
Anyway, I so want to write some more of my book right now but I can't keep my eyes open. I have barely slept for the last three nights and I'm not feeling well at all really. I am going to bed. Work comes at 8 a.m....but the alarm sounds at 6:30! :-(
Anyway, I so want to write some more of my book right now but I can't keep my eyes open. I have barely slept for the last three nights and I'm not feeling well at all really. I am going to bed. Work comes at 8 a.m....but the alarm sounds at 6:30! :-(
When Leaders Lose Their Souls...
..."Something is not quite right." Yep...it's a little harsh to point out about myself. But it's what was happening, truly. My identity...the one that I kept hearing about last year at conferences, in books, in scripture, out of peoples mouths...was becoming invisible, and I was letting it. And I didn't know what to do about it. I had no clue where to go, who to listen to, who not to listen to or what first step to take. There were a lot of steps...I just didn't know which one came first. It was a maze...which is ironic because I like mazes. Not a lot of people know that about me. As a kid, I liked the crossword puzzles and finding the words and circling them, but what I really loved was taking the pencil and trying to find the right path out of the maze. I loved it! And I was pretty good at it. But the maze recently in my life had many more blank walls and dead ends than I was used to. It was one maze that I kept having to turn around, taking wrong turns, rethink my steps and start over.
But I don't have to start over anymore. I know the first step...and I've already taken it. And that makes me feel good. I wasn't sure if I was hearing anything that God was telling me clearly...at all! There were so many distractions...good ones...but not good at the time. I see what I have to do more clearly, and that is a huge change. It doesn't mean I know exactly where all this is going or how the journey will shape but...I know now that I'm on the right path....and so far, I don't see any dead ends ahead.
It's gonna be hard though. Besides my own personal research in certain areas of improving my leadership skills, I also have to research for my book, car insurance, settling with the other drivers insurance, and getting myself in a better financial position....and there is one other thing that I am not revealing here. That's one thing I don't have to share; and it makes me a little mysterious. Kind cool...I am a writer. :-) Anyway, it's a lot to take on...but I've learned that I have to take it on one step at a time.
It's also gotten a lot easier since my social life is less dramatic. I'm not so intertwined with everyone I know...which is a lot of people. I know that I am blessed to have so many people in my life...good, loving, amazing people...and I want to make it clear that this isn't about them. But I was gravitating toward all the drama that was unnecessary between a few of them. I was in the middle of a lot of things...and things that I had no business being in the middle of....so I finally got smart and left. Not those particular friends; just the drama. I learned that though I may not be a prototypical drama queen, I can be prone to drama...finding it, getting involved in it and sometimes fostering it without even knowing it. So I got smart just like I know that I am...and I'm a lot smarter than I usually give myself credit for. :-)
Anyway, I won't lose my soul when I know something isn't right. I have to make sure that I am with Him everyday...first, for me...then, for everyone else. Because if I'm not okay, then how am I supposed to help others? I want to help others and be someone that anyone who meets me knows from the beginning that they can trust me. So, I'm working on that first. Step one...now, it's time for step two.
To be continued...
But I don't have to start over anymore. I know the first step...and I've already taken it. And that makes me feel good. I wasn't sure if I was hearing anything that God was telling me clearly...at all! There were so many distractions...good ones...but not good at the time. I see what I have to do more clearly, and that is a huge change. It doesn't mean I know exactly where all this is going or how the journey will shape but...I know now that I'm on the right path....and so far, I don't see any dead ends ahead.
It's gonna be hard though. Besides my own personal research in certain areas of improving my leadership skills, I also have to research for my book, car insurance, settling with the other drivers insurance, and getting myself in a better financial position....and there is one other thing that I am not revealing here. That's one thing I don't have to share; and it makes me a little mysterious. Kind cool...I am a writer. :-) Anyway, it's a lot to take on...but I've learned that I have to take it on one step at a time.
It's also gotten a lot easier since my social life is less dramatic. I'm not so intertwined with everyone I know...which is a lot of people. I know that I am blessed to have so many people in my life...good, loving, amazing people...and I want to make it clear that this isn't about them. But I was gravitating toward all the drama that was unnecessary between a few of them. I was in the middle of a lot of things...and things that I had no business being in the middle of....so I finally got smart and left. Not those particular friends; just the drama. I learned that though I may not be a prototypical drama queen, I can be prone to drama...finding it, getting involved in it and sometimes fostering it without even knowing it. So I got smart just like I know that I am...and I'm a lot smarter than I usually give myself credit for. :-)
Anyway, I won't lose my soul when I know something isn't right. I have to make sure that I am with Him everyday...first, for me...then, for everyone else. Because if I'm not okay, then how am I supposed to help others? I want to help others and be someone that anyone who meets me knows from the beginning that they can trust me. So, I'm working on that first. Step one...now, it's time for step two.
To be continued...
3.26.2009
Death and Babies and Boyfriends
Wow, though I am supposed to be finally unpacking my bags from vacation and cleaning my apartment, I've just watched three shows...not every second of them but enough. And I can only say Wow. That is what each one has left me with...Wow. The thoughts are in my head are big and overwhelming but good.
How do you deal with death of a loved one, whether dog, cat, mother, brother, sister, father. Or death of a soul, your soul, a friendship, a love, a life. How do you react, how do take the next step, how do you stop it? Yes, you can stop it...maybe not literally but metaphorically? How do you start to stop what is already in progress? And where do you begin? How do you stop something from happening...but, more importantly, why? What is your reason? Why does it have to be stopped? One of the shows I watched tonight was Private Practice. One of the storylines really grabbed my attention...actually, that isn't true, they all did. The doctor who didn't wait to look at a patient's chart and died because of it; the 12 year old girl whose mother allowed her to have sex just to prevent her from being promiscuous but ended up pregnant and promiscuous; and the doctor who almost cheated with a patient's husband. They all had a decision to make...they all had to decide to continue down the path they had so dangerously walked upon or to turn away to a narrower path. We have so many choices to make everyday and they all have consequences. Sometimes we make the wrong ones and have to step up and take responsibility for it (them). But a lot of us end up playing the blame game. It's somebody else's fault; it was what they did to lead me to make the decision that I made. It's the "it's okay for me to blame everyone else because everyone else made me this way." I learned this from them; and that's all I know. To me, that's death. That's not life; it's not mine; I have no control or no right to make my own decisions when I blame everything else on everyone else, when at the end of the day it's my decision to make...not theirs.
These shows, though it's television and not my Bible, made that argument. But my Bible tells me why it's my choice and my responsibility and my ability to conquer death...whatever type of death it is. I can always choose to do the right thing, get better, love instead of hate, understand instead of feel and do a 180 and finding the narrow path instead of continuing down the wide, angry and hurtful path. God gave me my person, my being, my ability to walk, run, think, love, live and choose. It's not up to anyone else to dictate who I am...but it's up to me to make the right choice...and just sometimes like I make the wrong ones, there are some times that I make the right ones. :-) And no matter how hard he right decision is, it's always the right one to make. That's why it's right.
I've gotten too tired to finish the Babies and boyfriends part...but I will say this much: as much as us women talk about babies and boyfriends, we also like our independence, too. So guys, it's not just you that has commitment problems. We want our space and our individually intact, too. Some of us just want to do it with you there...you...our witness in life, our support, our encourager, our love. But it's just as hard for us to commit to you...sometimes even to a first date or just returning the "I like you look"...because it's a life change for us, too. Just remember that we're precious, fragile, beautiful disasters, just like you. We just want to be with the right beautiful disaster...the one that makes us and you just beautiful.
How do you deal with death of a loved one, whether dog, cat, mother, brother, sister, father. Or death of a soul, your soul, a friendship, a love, a life. How do you react, how do take the next step, how do you stop it? Yes, you can stop it...maybe not literally but metaphorically? How do you start to stop what is already in progress? And where do you begin? How do you stop something from happening...but, more importantly, why? What is your reason? Why does it have to be stopped? One of the shows I watched tonight was Private Practice. One of the storylines really grabbed my attention...actually, that isn't true, they all did. The doctor who didn't wait to look at a patient's chart and died because of it; the 12 year old girl whose mother allowed her to have sex just to prevent her from being promiscuous but ended up pregnant and promiscuous; and the doctor who almost cheated with a patient's husband. They all had a decision to make...they all had to decide to continue down the path they had so dangerously walked upon or to turn away to a narrower path. We have so many choices to make everyday and they all have consequences. Sometimes we make the wrong ones and have to step up and take responsibility for it (them). But a lot of us end up playing the blame game. It's somebody else's fault; it was what they did to lead me to make the decision that I made. It's the "it's okay for me to blame everyone else because everyone else made me this way." I learned this from them; and that's all I know. To me, that's death. That's not life; it's not mine; I have no control or no right to make my own decisions when I blame everything else on everyone else, when at the end of the day it's my decision to make...not theirs.
These shows, though it's television and not my Bible, made that argument. But my Bible tells me why it's my choice and my responsibility and my ability to conquer death...whatever type of death it is. I can always choose to do the right thing, get better, love instead of hate, understand instead of feel and do a 180 and finding the narrow path instead of continuing down the wide, angry and hurtful path. God gave me my person, my being, my ability to walk, run, think, love, live and choose. It's not up to anyone else to dictate who I am...but it's up to me to make the right choice...and just sometimes like I make the wrong ones, there are some times that I make the right ones. :-) And no matter how hard he right decision is, it's always the right one to make. That's why it's right.
I've gotten too tired to finish the Babies and boyfriends part...but I will say this much: as much as us women talk about babies and boyfriends, we also like our independence, too. So guys, it's not just you that has commitment problems. We want our space and our individually intact, too. Some of us just want to do it with you there...you...our witness in life, our support, our encourager, our love. But it's just as hard for us to commit to you...sometimes even to a first date or just returning the "I like you look"...because it's a life change for us, too. Just remember that we're precious, fragile, beautiful disasters, just like you. We just want to be with the right beautiful disaster...the one that makes us and you just beautiful.
3.22.2009
How open should I be?
If there is one thing that I truly am struggling with right now, it's how open I should be with those around me....or what do I share and to whom and at what time? I said something to a friend last night about something...actually, there were two separate instances with two different people and I shared two different topics with them. I'm not sure I should've shared either one...just yet. And to help matters, I just commented on a friends blog about her last blog entry. It sparked more thought on this topic of sharing. It's not a question of sharing or writing on my blog or being open; but what I say in confidence to someone. Specifically, when is the right time to share it?
There are some instances that I am clear on the timing of sharing something. But there are others that baffle me...mostly because they are highly emotional or spiritual....and recently, I've shared the wrong thing to the wrong people in both instances. The people aren't wrong in themselves; I just didn't choose the right person to share the topic with.
I guess my problem with what I shared last night is that I realized immediately after saying something that I wasn't ready to share either one. It was not the right time because I'm simply not at a place to confidently discuss either one in a good, encouraging manner.
It's in this that I'm learning to retract a bit of my very obvious penchant to be open. Sometimes you can choose wrong people to confide in. I've learned this the hard way; and it seems that I haven't exactly learned all I need to in this area...because I still have a tendency to choose the wrong people to confide in.
I don't mean in any way that any one of my friends is not worthy of sharing with. I should never ever complain about not having great, trustworthy friends. I am eternally blessed with the friends I have made over my lifetime...from CA to here, Indiana, and the ones I will make later in life. God has truly blessed me in this area. But sometimes you can reveal something to someone that isn't at a good place in their own life that what you say can 1) fuel their fire (which is not what it was meant to be) or, 2) be taken wrong, perceived in the wrong way, or 3) it can make it look as if you are stepping on their toes or not respecting them in some way. I hate when any of those things happen; and I've recently had to deal with that issue, again.
But, yes, I also know that I can't beat myself up for sharing with someone, who I originally thought was the right person. I have to let things go...but I can learn from it and make an even better decision next time.
Making decisions have not always been my strong point but they aren't my weakest point anymore, either. I've truly grown in that area. Still, I struggle with the age old "keeping up with the Joneses" because I have many friends who nearly always make the best decisions and I want to be like them. But I wouldn't be here today if I didn't sometimes make mistakes. It's learning from some mistakes that leads to the best decisions in the long run....and in turn can lead to making a better decision the first time around.
Isn't it cool how that works? Good thing that God didn't make us perfect; life would be boring and we'd never learn anything or appreciate where we are or who we are. I'm very greatful that He loves me just the way I am at any moment...and that He's given me the capacity to learn, grow and live life being really me, which is unique to everyone else....even if sometimes I make a wrong decision.
There are some instances that I am clear on the timing of sharing something. But there are others that baffle me...mostly because they are highly emotional or spiritual....and recently, I've shared the wrong thing to the wrong people in both instances. The people aren't wrong in themselves; I just didn't choose the right person to share the topic with.
I guess my problem with what I shared last night is that I realized immediately after saying something that I wasn't ready to share either one. It was not the right time because I'm simply not at a place to confidently discuss either one in a good, encouraging manner.
It's in this that I'm learning to retract a bit of my very obvious penchant to be open. Sometimes you can choose wrong people to confide in. I've learned this the hard way; and it seems that I haven't exactly learned all I need to in this area...because I still have a tendency to choose the wrong people to confide in.
I don't mean in any way that any one of my friends is not worthy of sharing with. I should never ever complain about not having great, trustworthy friends. I am eternally blessed with the friends I have made over my lifetime...from CA to here, Indiana, and the ones I will make later in life. God has truly blessed me in this area. But sometimes you can reveal something to someone that isn't at a good place in their own life that what you say can 1) fuel their fire (which is not what it was meant to be) or, 2) be taken wrong, perceived in the wrong way, or 3) it can make it look as if you are stepping on their toes or not respecting them in some way. I hate when any of those things happen; and I've recently had to deal with that issue, again.
But, yes, I also know that I can't beat myself up for sharing with someone, who I originally thought was the right person. I have to let things go...but I can learn from it and make an even better decision next time.
Making decisions have not always been my strong point but they aren't my weakest point anymore, either. I've truly grown in that area. Still, I struggle with the age old "keeping up with the Joneses" because I have many friends who nearly always make the best decisions and I want to be like them. But I wouldn't be here today if I didn't sometimes make mistakes. It's learning from some mistakes that leads to the best decisions in the long run....and in turn can lead to making a better decision the first time around.
Isn't it cool how that works? Good thing that God didn't make us perfect; life would be boring and we'd never learn anything or appreciate where we are or who we are. I'm very greatful that He loves me just the way I am at any moment...and that He's given me the capacity to learn, grow and live life being really me, which is unique to everyone else....even if sometimes I make a wrong decision.
3.19.2009
A Lucid Moment
Today was filled with several lucid moments....meaning I got it. I got it today; I wasn't angry or confused or upset or disappointed or overly (ir)rational about anything. I got it today.
One of the things I really got was what each day in our lives is supposed to be about. I can easily get caught up in the negative things in life. I can see the negative more than the positive a lot of the time. I get wrapped up in the drama; and most of the time it isn't my own. I've tried hard to get out of that pattern...but you know what I realized today? Some drama is okay. It's okay to be a part of someone's life at times that it's unstable. It's okay to be Miss 911, when it's really and truly needed. It's good to know that it's not about how hurt a friend makes you; it's about the hours that they've allowed you to cry on their shoulder when you really needed it. It's not about how you aren't married yet or haven't experienced a good romantic relationship; it's about how to appreciate those in your life who you do have a good friendship and relationship with. It's not about pointing the figure at everyone else or at yourself; it's about forgiving them and you. It's not about expecting the people around you to be the perfect spiritual leader, mentor, teacher or friends; it's about knowing that everyone has a bad day but that doesn't mean they are a bad person. It's about loving, giving, serving, caring, sharing and living your life truly honest...truly trusting and forgiving. It's not about what happened in your past that was awful; it doesn't define you. It tells you where you've been and where you came from but not necessarily who you are; and it doesn't tell you that every person in your past is going to reappear in your future, with the same intention to hurt you. It is about moving forward; about learning but being a better person today than what you were yesterday.
For me, that's letting go of wondering constantly if I'm enough...for anyone...but especially for God. Do I do enough, love enough, forgive enough, confess enough, laugh enough, care enough, give enough...live enough? It's letting go of all that...but still knowing that tomorrow I may stumble...I may take a step backward...but that doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me human...a daughter of Adam in this crazy fallen world.
But the amazing thing, the lucid moment, is when I realize that one step backward doesn't have to turn into two...He's given me the freedom to turn that one step backward to infinite steps forward. There's hope, joy, mercy and unconditional love. I don't want to know what it's like to live a life that these things doesn't exist in...and I'm ecstatic that I never have to find out. He made sure of it. :-)
One of the things I really got was what each day in our lives is supposed to be about. I can easily get caught up in the negative things in life. I can see the negative more than the positive a lot of the time. I get wrapped up in the drama; and most of the time it isn't my own. I've tried hard to get out of that pattern...but you know what I realized today? Some drama is okay. It's okay to be a part of someone's life at times that it's unstable. It's okay to be Miss 911, when it's really and truly needed. It's good to know that it's not about how hurt a friend makes you; it's about the hours that they've allowed you to cry on their shoulder when you really needed it. It's not about how you aren't married yet or haven't experienced a good romantic relationship; it's about how to appreciate those in your life who you do have a good friendship and relationship with. It's not about pointing the figure at everyone else or at yourself; it's about forgiving them and you. It's not about expecting the people around you to be the perfect spiritual leader, mentor, teacher or friends; it's about knowing that everyone has a bad day but that doesn't mean they are a bad person. It's about loving, giving, serving, caring, sharing and living your life truly honest...truly trusting and forgiving. It's not about what happened in your past that was awful; it doesn't define you. It tells you where you've been and where you came from but not necessarily who you are; and it doesn't tell you that every person in your past is going to reappear in your future, with the same intention to hurt you. It is about moving forward; about learning but being a better person today than what you were yesterday.
For me, that's letting go of wondering constantly if I'm enough...for anyone...but especially for God. Do I do enough, love enough, forgive enough, confess enough, laugh enough, care enough, give enough...live enough? It's letting go of all that...but still knowing that tomorrow I may stumble...I may take a step backward...but that doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me human...a daughter of Adam in this crazy fallen world.
But the amazing thing, the lucid moment, is when I realize that one step backward doesn't have to turn into two...He's given me the freedom to turn that one step backward to infinite steps forward. There's hope, joy, mercy and unconditional love. I don't want to know what it's like to live a life that these things doesn't exist in...and I'm ecstatic that I never have to find out. He made sure of it. :-)
3.18.2009
Okay, after I write this, I'm going to bed. Two funny (well, one is gross) happened today. First, we'll get the gross one out of the way. Litle Miss Felicia (my friend's cat that I'm sitting for) got diarrhea all in one of my overnight bags...yeah, was very gross. I ended up having to throw the bag away. And I hope Fifi is okay; I hope that I don't have to take her to the vet. I have to keep an eye on her.
The funny thing that happened is that I realized that I'm totally following my own blog! I was trying to follow someone else's and clicked on myself instead...so I'm following my own blog! Yeah, only I can pull off such a feat.
Okay, it's been a very busy and weird day...I'm going to bed and hoping that tomorrow is alittle better. Also, my new cousin Stephanie (she married my cousin Brian) is going to have a baby tomorrow! She went in this morning so we expect little Michael to be here anytime now!
The funny thing that happened is that I realized that I'm totally following my own blog! I was trying to follow someone else's and clicked on myself instead...so I'm following my own blog! Yeah, only I can pull off such a feat.
Okay, it's been a very busy and weird day...I'm going to bed and hoping that tomorrow is alittle better. Also, my new cousin Stephanie (she married my cousin Brian) is going to have a baby tomorrow! She went in this morning so we expect little Michael to be here anytime now!
3.15.2009
Birthdays
I had a "My Bad" moment just now. On my facebook "status" I said that I was happy to not be planning my birthday party...well, that's true but I did have another offer...I just didn't think of it until just now! A friend of mine asked me at a previous birthday for a friend, what I wanted to do for my birthday. She could've seriously been asking so she could help with it. I guess that my head is still a little cloudy...however, my vacation really was awesome and cleared a lot of the cobwebs from my head! I wish I had more than one day at the beach but I had a great time with my family so I really can't complain. In just 7 days, it's hard to do all that I want to when I go to CA. There's always a lot of people to visit so it's kinda hard at times to do exactly what I want. But, I was able to do that this past week for a little bit and I'm better for it.
Anyway, the title of this blog is birthdays so let me get back to that...
I don't know why I'm so into birthdays...and mine in particular. I've tried really hard this year to not make mine so important...but I started to wonder today if anyone cared truly about it since no one was offering to plan it...well, they might have but I hadn't remembered until now (see "my bad" moment above). I hate that I can get so wound up about it when it's not so needed. I mean...I just got back from CA...why would I expect anyone to call me right away and ask about my birthday? I know...it sounds so selfish and vain and conceited. But, for some reason, I started to get upset that it seems everyone else's birthday was so important that a ton of people were present and I had six people only coming to mine. I know I shouldn't be that way...I know that...but when it comes to my birthday, I do get that way. Though I hate being that way and with the fact that I had just experienced a wonderful vacation, I still started to feel that my birthday wasn't as important as anyone elses. It's just a birthday for crying out loud! I need to give myself a good talking to for feeling that way even just a little bit. Goodness...there are people who can't even celebrate their birthdays! Why am I being so silly about it?!
At the end of all this, one thing really helped me to stop focusing on it...my mom called and said she was going to throw it and just to send an e-mail out to everyone I wanted to invite. That somehow gave me a lot of peace. Don't get me wrong, I love to plan birthdays and events for others, especially my friends. But when it comes to my birthday this year, I wanted someone else who loves me to plan it. And I think the right person is doing just that. She knows me the best of anyone. :-)
Anyway, the title of this blog is birthdays so let me get back to that...
I don't know why I'm so into birthdays...and mine in particular. I've tried really hard this year to not make mine so important...but I started to wonder today if anyone cared truly about it since no one was offering to plan it...well, they might have but I hadn't remembered until now (see "my bad" moment above). I hate that I can get so wound up about it when it's not so needed. I mean...I just got back from CA...why would I expect anyone to call me right away and ask about my birthday? I know...it sounds so selfish and vain and conceited. But, for some reason, I started to get upset that it seems everyone else's birthday was so important that a ton of people were present and I had six people only coming to mine. I know I shouldn't be that way...I know that...but when it comes to my birthday, I do get that way. Though I hate being that way and with the fact that I had just experienced a wonderful vacation, I still started to feel that my birthday wasn't as important as anyone elses. It's just a birthday for crying out loud! I need to give myself a good talking to for feeling that way even just a little bit. Goodness...there are people who can't even celebrate their birthdays! Why am I being so silly about it?!
At the end of all this, one thing really helped me to stop focusing on it...my mom called and said she was going to throw it and just to send an e-mail out to everyone I wanted to invite. That somehow gave me a lot of peace. Don't get me wrong, I love to plan birthdays and events for others, especially my friends. But when it comes to my birthday this year, I wanted someone else who loves me to plan it. And I think the right person is doing just that. She knows me the best of anyone. :-)
3.05.2009
Couldn't sleep
I couldn't sleep so I got up and did something about it...I deleted ALL of my internet dating site subscriptions. It's almost 2:30 a.m. in the morning and I got up to delete all my dating profiles and get myself off those sights. Not that they are terrible; many people find love there. But for me, for what I needed, I accomplished it so now I don't need it anymore. I've accomplished what I needed to accomplish so now I have to move on.
Why is it so hard for me sometimes to let go? I have so many people around me that are good examples of letting go and I just have the hardest time doing it. Letting go, moving on, progressing. It's like I'm not able to comprehend those words in a real sense...not in real life.
But then there are days when I see what I've done and who I am...and actually like myself. I can see that I am a good person and that God has eternally blessed me. Still, I will hold on to something that isn't good for me for dear life...even when I don't even want it. So, tonight, I stopped putting off what needed to happen: I cancelled myself. Now, I can start anew.
And, you know what? It feels kinda good. :-)
Why is it so hard for me sometimes to let go? I have so many people around me that are good examples of letting go and I just have the hardest time doing it. Letting go, moving on, progressing. It's like I'm not able to comprehend those words in a real sense...not in real life.
But then there are days when I see what I've done and who I am...and actually like myself. I can see that I am a good person and that God has eternally blessed me. Still, I will hold on to something that isn't good for me for dear life...even when I don't even want it. So, tonight, I stopped putting off what needed to happen: I cancelled myself. Now, I can start anew.
And, you know what? It feels kinda good. :-)
3.01.2009
To all my "Blessings"
Today’s blog (note)…and the only one for this week…is for everyone I can think of that has blessed my life. Regardless of where they are, who they are or if we are still close or not (distance-or-otherwise), I want to share with all just one thing for each person that has truly made me a better person…even if it meant showing me a fault, imperfection or area of my life that needed, well, tweaking. And if I forgot anyone, I will remember you and add you. It's almost midnight and I've been working on this off and on all day so please don't be upset if I forgot you. I haven't forgotten you...my brain is just a little tired and I need to post this so I can go to bed. So, here goes, to…
Mom…my inspiration
Dave…my strength
Dad…my protector
Aaron…my hard-working, admirable brother
Debbie…my creative step-sister
Brandie…my committed sister-in-law (a radiology degree and three kids, plus having to put up with my bro)
Jeff…my successful and sarcastic brother-in-law
Madeline…my grandmother who helps everyone
Donna…my grandmother who can do anything, like climb Mt. Whitney
Antone…my grandfather who never quits
Marilyn…my step-grandmother who is truly as sweet as pie
Destiny…for being my “Lil Miss”
Tony…for having that blonde curly hair, blue eyes and great personality
Hunter…for his smile and playful ways
Kaila…for being a good athlete and writing one of the best poems ever written
Jon…for becoming a good man
Kory…for being as cute as a button
Karen…my “favorite” aunt…she knows what that means
Bear…for having the best nickname in our family and being the best fishing buddy I could’ve ever asked for
Michael…whose face too easily reveals a mischievious smirk but is easy to forgive.
Lillian…who makes the best Lemon Meringue pie ever and has a great laugh
Jolene…who shows love to people and animals alike…and whose laugh I also love
Kyle…who is a proud Marine…and a good kid
Michaela…our Tinkerbelle…who has been through challenges no one should but has passed with flying colors
Brian…who is a good business man and will be a great husband and father
Shelly…for raising three kids
Lori…for making great decisions
Krissy…for being a strong woman in a man’s world and never letting anyone bring her down
Joannie…for loving her kids unconditionally
David…for being loving and a great cook
Danny…for experiencing life and surviving
Jimmy…my cousin who I never see but am proud of how he’s grown and who he is as a man
Jennie…my best friend, need I say more?
Jen…my best friend, the sequel
Alisa…the one who is always there, no matter the drama, and endures every “cake” reference thrown at her
Stacey…the one who I’m forever bonded to, respect, admire, adore, is wise beyond her years and will always be there for…no questions asked…even if it’s just to give her directions in a town that I don’t live in
Julie…the one who teaches me to be myself, always…and who has been a Godsend to my life
Beth…the one who is so easy to be friends with and is so fun to be with
April…the creative one who is real, genuine and can only be April
Denise…the one who has a knack for words, and for loving people
Angie…the one who has a gentle heart, loses her keys and her phone, but not her focus on God
and others
Liz…the one whose “dance” I’d miss, and the “greeting” of Elizabethtown
Jessica…the one who is beautiful inside and out
Michael…the funny one who married the beautiful inside and out one…and is one of the “good ones”
Patrick…the one who doesn’t let life get too serious…or me…and the one I call Patricia
Jason…the one who I can only say “Ta Later!” but always know will be there whenever anyone needs him
Blake…the one who jumped from my pages and taught me to look past appearances (Blake, you’ll have to ask Patrick, Alisa, Jen, Stacey or Shannon what that means)
Mike…the one whose knowledge amazes me
Rett…the one whose taught me about Poker…and how to have fun with just the guys
Rob…the one who makes my best friend the sequel very, very happy and is truly one of the “good ones”
Rebecca R…the momma that is adorable and the true meaning of a friend
Alonzo…the little boy of RR who made me fall in love with him…even when he’s being a little twerp.
Rebecca M…the roommate who inspires, loves and encourages all she meets
Shannon M…the one who taught me how to forgive
JT…the one who will always make me laugh
Nicole…the one with the smile and natural beauty
Amy Mac/Nak…the one who I adore and always puts a smile on my face when I see an e-mail or facebook message from her…a great mama.
Susan…the one whose heart will always stay intact even when broken…a great mama
Jamison…the wordsmith who makes me giggle when he says “swell.”
Cherrer…the one who challenges my faith and is true to himself and God
Matt M…the boyfriend who made me feel like a woman, not just a girl
Vernie…the boy who taught me that I could love
Ryan T…my first crush
Sebastian...my second crush
Michael S…my third crush
Ryan R…the one I should’ve never crushed on but ended up teaching me discernment…of who not to crush on
Bob…who makes Alisa deliriously happy and is just an awesome person to be around
Brian…who teaches everyone how to give
Pat S…our Mama Duck…who I’m forever grateful to for her guidance
Lucy…for being Lucy, the cat whose almost like a dog
Amy B…the one who always knew when I needed a hug, or to cry on her shoulder or an ice scream from DQ
Rinn C…the one who was there when no one else would be
Carrie…the one who is herself and is so gifted, even though she doesn’t know it
Emily B…who is a friend at all times and a very gifted writer
...to be continued...
Mom…my inspiration
Dave…my strength
Dad…my protector
Aaron…my hard-working, admirable brother
Debbie…my creative step-sister
Brandie…my committed sister-in-law (a radiology degree and three kids, plus having to put up with my bro)
Jeff…my successful and sarcastic brother-in-law
Madeline…my grandmother who helps everyone
Donna…my grandmother who can do anything, like climb Mt. Whitney
Antone…my grandfather who never quits
Marilyn…my step-grandmother who is truly as sweet as pie
Destiny…for being my “Lil Miss”
Tony…for having that blonde curly hair, blue eyes and great personality
Hunter…for his smile and playful ways
Kaila…for being a good athlete and writing one of the best poems ever written
Jon…for becoming a good man
Kory…for being as cute as a button
Karen…my “favorite” aunt…she knows what that means
Bear…for having the best nickname in our family and being the best fishing buddy I could’ve ever asked for
Michael…whose face too easily reveals a mischievious smirk but is easy to forgive.
Lillian…who makes the best Lemon Meringue pie ever and has a great laugh
Jolene…who shows love to people and animals alike…and whose laugh I also love
Kyle…who is a proud Marine…and a good kid
Michaela…our Tinkerbelle…who has been through challenges no one should but has passed with flying colors
Brian…who is a good business man and will be a great husband and father
Shelly…for raising three kids
Lori…for making great decisions
Krissy…for being a strong woman in a man’s world and never letting anyone bring her down
Joannie…for loving her kids unconditionally
David…for being loving and a great cook
Danny…for experiencing life and surviving
Jimmy…my cousin who I never see but am proud of how he’s grown and who he is as a man
Jennie…my best friend, need I say more?
Jen…my best friend, the sequel
Alisa…the one who is always there, no matter the drama, and endures every “cake” reference thrown at her
Stacey…the one who I’m forever bonded to, respect, admire, adore, is wise beyond her years and will always be there for…no questions asked…even if it’s just to give her directions in a town that I don’t live in
Julie…the one who teaches me to be myself, always…and who has been a Godsend to my life
Beth…the one who is so easy to be friends with and is so fun to be with
April…the creative one who is real, genuine and can only be April
Denise…the one who has a knack for words, and for loving people
Angie…the one who has a gentle heart, loses her keys and her phone, but not her focus on God
and others
Liz…the one whose “dance” I’d miss, and the “greeting” of Elizabethtown
Jessica…the one who is beautiful inside and out
Michael…the funny one who married the beautiful inside and out one…and is one of the “good ones”
Patrick…the one who doesn’t let life get too serious…or me…and the one I call Patricia
Jason…the one who I can only say “Ta Later!” but always know will be there whenever anyone needs him
Blake…the one who jumped from my pages and taught me to look past appearances (Blake, you’ll have to ask Patrick, Alisa, Jen, Stacey or Shannon what that means)
Mike…the one whose knowledge amazes me
Rett…the one whose taught me about Poker…and how to have fun with just the guys
Rob…the one who makes my best friend the sequel very, very happy and is truly one of the “good ones”
Rebecca R…the momma that is adorable and the true meaning of a friend
Alonzo…the little boy of RR who made me fall in love with him…even when he’s being a little twerp.
Rebecca M…the roommate who inspires, loves and encourages all she meets
Shannon M…the one who taught me how to forgive
JT…the one who will always make me laugh
Nicole…the one with the smile and natural beauty
Amy Mac/Nak…the one who I adore and always puts a smile on my face when I see an e-mail or facebook message from her…a great mama.
Susan…the one whose heart will always stay intact even when broken…a great mama
Jamison…the wordsmith who makes me giggle when he says “swell.”
Cherrer…the one who challenges my faith and is true to himself and God
Matt M…the boyfriend who made me feel like a woman, not just a girl
Vernie…the boy who taught me that I could love
Ryan T…my first crush
Sebastian...my second crush
Michael S…my third crush
Ryan R…the one I should’ve never crushed on but ended up teaching me discernment…of who not to crush on
Bob…who makes Alisa deliriously happy and is just an awesome person to be around
Brian…who teaches everyone how to give
Pat S…our Mama Duck…who I’m forever grateful to for her guidance
Lucy…for being Lucy, the cat whose almost like a dog
Amy B…the one who always knew when I needed a hug, or to cry on her shoulder or an ice scream from DQ
Rinn C…the one who was there when no one else would be
Carrie…the one who is herself and is so gifted, even though she doesn’t know it
Emily B…who is a friend at all times and a very gifted writer
...to be continued...
2.14.2009
No more waiting
I finally made a very hard decision in the last couple of days. It was a long time in coming but it was necessary to make in order for me to move forward. I can't say it was exactly holding me back but it had become my entire life and I'd started to resent it. No matter how hard I tried, and prayed, and wished I just couldn't shake the fact that I had to turn away from it. It was so hard...it still is and will be for awhile. It feels almost like a break up...the kind that you realize that you love the person but you just aren't in love with them so you can't stay with them. You know you have to do it for your own good and for theirs but you know that it's still going to hurt. There is love there, just not enough to stay together.
The decision I made was not because I had less love for anything or anyone...but it was because I knew there were others more suited at this time to take my place. And that was a really hard realization to come to. I am so socially-minded that to decide in any way to not be in the center of everthing is a big deal. However, there were things that I need to accomplish and instead of my involvement in the situation being vital to it, it was in fact deteriorating for me...because I knew that I had to turn away but wasn't willing to make that decision so I fought it tooth and nail until I knew I couldn't fight it anymore. The position I had affected others, too. I have to fix some things that are not right in my life and then I can have the sort of position again. I had in fact led someone wrong without realizing it because I got too emotional about something that I shouldn't have. I do not want to do that again...not when I know better and I have a position that will affect others. In addition, this position took all of my time. There are so many things that I have to accomplish that I was finding it harder and harder to commit. There wasn't time for anything else in my life. At first I tried to let go of other things because I felt this was more important for me to focus on. But it isn't anymore. I cannot move forward if I don't say no to things...and I didn't want it to be this but there was no way of getting around what I had to do.
I do know that God will lead me back to this type of position in the future. I don't know if it will be the same place or somewhere else. But today, on a Valentine's Day that I don't have a date or solid plans, I'm not feeling so lonely. Not like usual. Because I know that God, my friends, my family are looking out for me and love me the way that I am. That no matter what decision I make, they'll support me. And if it's a bad decision, they'll love me enough to tell me. This isn't a bad decision. It's just hard. But some of the most fruitful decisions are the hardest ones to make...even if we can't see it at the time.
That's God's promise...and I'm trusting Him to follow through.
The decision I made was not because I had less love for anything or anyone...but it was because I knew there were others more suited at this time to take my place. And that was a really hard realization to come to. I am so socially-minded that to decide in any way to not be in the center of everthing is a big deal. However, there were things that I need to accomplish and instead of my involvement in the situation being vital to it, it was in fact deteriorating for me...because I knew that I had to turn away but wasn't willing to make that decision so I fought it tooth and nail until I knew I couldn't fight it anymore. The position I had affected others, too. I have to fix some things that are not right in my life and then I can have the sort of position again. I had in fact led someone wrong without realizing it because I got too emotional about something that I shouldn't have. I do not want to do that again...not when I know better and I have a position that will affect others. In addition, this position took all of my time. There are so many things that I have to accomplish that I was finding it harder and harder to commit. There wasn't time for anything else in my life. At first I tried to let go of other things because I felt this was more important for me to focus on. But it isn't anymore. I cannot move forward if I don't say no to things...and I didn't want it to be this but there was no way of getting around what I had to do.
I do know that God will lead me back to this type of position in the future. I don't know if it will be the same place or somewhere else. But today, on a Valentine's Day that I don't have a date or solid plans, I'm not feeling so lonely. Not like usual. Because I know that God, my friends, my family are looking out for me and love me the way that I am. That no matter what decision I make, they'll support me. And if it's a bad decision, they'll love me enough to tell me. This isn't a bad decision. It's just hard. But some of the most fruitful decisions are the hardest ones to make...even if we can't see it at the time.
That's God's promise...and I'm trusting Him to follow through.
2.12.2009
Valentine's
So, it's 1:11 a.m. on Thursday, February 12th & I just finished making Valentine's for all my girlfriends (due in large part to the creativeness of my friend "Mags"). But before I could bring myself to lay in bed and after I had my jammies on, I got an urge to write...mind you I have to be up no later than 7 a.m. and to work by 8 a.m.....yet, I'm inspired to type. Go figure. It's me...totally.
Anyway, these valentine's got me to thinking a bit. I am happy where I am...I like who I am and I"m okay wiht not having a date for valentine's this year. What's funny is that I know if I wanted one, I could have one. There are two guys that have sent me a note, sort of a pre-valentine...but I'm really not that interested in having a date for valentine's that I'd go out with either one. That realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm really content in my life. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm striving for more and to grow and to succeed but I'm really okay with who I am and am not going to make excuses. I think that I'm finally getting my own mind. I've always tried to please people and have always agreed with everyone I talk to in some way. But there are people in my life or around me that I don't agree with at all...one is a friend and one is someone I work with. And I think it's time that I asserted myself. No, not get angry and get in a confrontation. That would do more harm than good and isn't worth hurting someone over. But the next time I'm approached about either subject, I'm not going to back down and tell them what they want to hear...because what they need to hear isn't popular and it's not fun to hear but it does need to be said. Accountability is so important between people...but it has to exist on both sides. And right now, I know that I'm enabling behavior to continue that shouldn't. All that will happen if I stay down the same path is lead to hurt, for them and for me. It doesn't help either of us for me to smooth out the surface but let the boil fester below.
Okay, so now I'm a little tired and totally want to change the subject. In two days my best friend in CA is going to be induced. She's having her first baby! And it's working out that she'll have him or her actually on Valentine's Day! Isn't that cool? I get to go see her in March...I can't wait to meet my new "niece" or "nephew." Anyway, it's now 1:25 a.m. and I need to get to bed.
Anyway, these valentine's got me to thinking a bit. I am happy where I am...I like who I am and I"m okay wiht not having a date for valentine's this year. What's funny is that I know if I wanted one, I could have one. There are two guys that have sent me a note, sort of a pre-valentine...but I'm really not that interested in having a date for valentine's that I'd go out with either one. That realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm really content in my life. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm striving for more and to grow and to succeed but I'm really okay with who I am and am not going to make excuses. I think that I'm finally getting my own mind. I've always tried to please people and have always agreed with everyone I talk to in some way. But there are people in my life or around me that I don't agree with at all...one is a friend and one is someone I work with. And I think it's time that I asserted myself. No, not get angry and get in a confrontation. That would do more harm than good and isn't worth hurting someone over. But the next time I'm approached about either subject, I'm not going to back down and tell them what they want to hear...because what they need to hear isn't popular and it's not fun to hear but it does need to be said. Accountability is so important between people...but it has to exist on both sides. And right now, I know that I'm enabling behavior to continue that shouldn't. All that will happen if I stay down the same path is lead to hurt, for them and for me. It doesn't help either of us for me to smooth out the surface but let the boil fester below.
Okay, so now I'm a little tired and totally want to change the subject. In two days my best friend in CA is going to be induced. She's having her first baby! And it's working out that she'll have him or her actually on Valentine's Day! Isn't that cool? I get to go see her in March...I can't wait to meet my new "niece" or "nephew." Anyway, it's now 1:25 a.m. and I need to get to bed.
12.19.2008
Friday
As I find myself alone in a house with four dogs and one kid (the other is out; he has a car), I feel really alone. Which is okay...it's allowing me to think. And I realized that I'm really confused and can't talk to anyone about it. When I try to, everyone has to put in their opinion or disagrees; when all I was really doing was trying to get it out so I can make sense of it. I don't have everything worked out...but I need to get it out to someone who is going to just listen; not judge. I had lunch with a friend yesterday and when I started talking about something that was bothering me, they kinda gave me a judgemental look. I know it's a topic that they have strong feelings about so I understood the reaction...but I'm finding that when I really do open up and just be myself when I'm confused, it doesn't go over well. Sometimes I just want to be able to talk to a friend and work things out that way; I honestly sometimes just need something to be there to listen and not judge and not ask me questions and just let me ramble so I can work it out. It made me feel all alone. I don't really think that anyone understands me...really understands me. My close friends seem to change by the year. And that's who I have: my friends. I can't seem to find a man...or the man...to be with me long enough to be my confidante. And as soon as I do, they leave...whether by dumping, getting in a car accident or moving to another state, they just leave. I'm being really patient but it is getting hard.
I just keep finding myself wondering if I'm ever going to be a good enough friend to everyone that they stick around even when it gets hard. My friends have not left me by any means...but I'm in a time that it seems I don't agree with anyone. I'm not trying intentionally to not agree but it's happening. I feel like I can't call anyone now; like I'm an outsider. I feel like some might sit at home and think of me as a joke. And I know that it's affecting me more now around the holidays than it does the rest of the year. I guess things are changing too much for me. Everyone's changing...and it's not just a little, it's a lot and it's quickly. I feel like I'm being left behind. You know? Only two people have called me recently and it's the same people that have been since Thanksgiving (and a little before). I love these two people dearly, dearly, dearly. But there are others that I've invested in that just don't call anymore; and when I call them my chances of getting them on the phone is 50% to 0%. I don't hate change; I just hate change that is so fast that I drag way behind. I'm so tired of trying to catch up. It's such a battle.
But then I look at this little dog in my lap, who though has settled, is clearly still intimidated by the other dogs. He's looking to me for comfort and attention and love and protection. He needs me. Maybe that's why I feel so left out; no one really needs me. And the advice I've given, though I've been assured was good, is never taken. It's literally just hot air coming out of my mouth; it's useless. I want to be needed and respected; not useless or used. I don't think friendships or relationships have to change so much so often. Or maybe they do and I'm learning that.
I'm so confused about so many other things, too. But I'm going to stop here. I'm tired and it's past little Buster's bedtime. :-) But I feel better that I wrote this down. See, sometimes I just need to get it out...often it's by writing...but there are times that I need to speak it out, put it into verbal words. Otherwise, I just bottle it up inside and it festers. And I know from experience that that isn't good.
I just keep finding myself wondering if I'm ever going to be a good enough friend to everyone that they stick around even when it gets hard. My friends have not left me by any means...but I'm in a time that it seems I don't agree with anyone. I'm not trying intentionally to not agree but it's happening. I feel like I can't call anyone now; like I'm an outsider. I feel like some might sit at home and think of me as a joke. And I know that it's affecting me more now around the holidays than it does the rest of the year. I guess things are changing too much for me. Everyone's changing...and it's not just a little, it's a lot and it's quickly. I feel like I'm being left behind. You know? Only two people have called me recently and it's the same people that have been since Thanksgiving (and a little before). I love these two people dearly, dearly, dearly. But there are others that I've invested in that just don't call anymore; and when I call them my chances of getting them on the phone is 50% to 0%. I don't hate change; I just hate change that is so fast that I drag way behind. I'm so tired of trying to catch up. It's such a battle.
But then I look at this little dog in my lap, who though has settled, is clearly still intimidated by the other dogs. He's looking to me for comfort and attention and love and protection. He needs me. Maybe that's why I feel so left out; no one really needs me. And the advice I've given, though I've been assured was good, is never taken. It's literally just hot air coming out of my mouth; it's useless. I want to be needed and respected; not useless or used. I don't think friendships or relationships have to change so much so often. Or maybe they do and I'm learning that.
I'm so confused about so many other things, too. But I'm going to stop here. I'm tired and it's past little Buster's bedtime. :-) But I feel better that I wrote this down. See, sometimes I just need to get it out...often it's by writing...but there are times that I need to speak it out, put it into verbal words. Otherwise, I just bottle it up inside and it festers. And I know from experience that that isn't good.
10.17.2008
A year of firsts
I've been reflecting a lot lately. It's been mostly about my friendships and the people that have been around me this year. All of that has led to an internal focus on who I am as a person, who I am becoming and why for both of those.
It has been sort of a rough year...exciting but painful at times. There has definitely been good with the bad...or bad with the good...depending on which way you look at it.
To begin with, my year started on November 1, 2007, not January 1, 2008. Why? Because it was the one year anniversary of a day that my life totally changed on the inside...and a bit on the outside. It was an experience that no matter how you look at it, changed me. I woke up to a lot of things in my life...to questioning my motivations along with everyone else's. As I ended fixing some of what was broken in my life, I decided to start anew on that same date, one year later.
I'm 16 days away from the end of this new year (for me). As I reflect on all that has happened, I'm overwhelmed at how much a year has held for me and those around me. Six months ago from last Friday, I couldn't been dead to this world...literally. It was a very traumatic experience...one that I've grown from but also one that sticks to me in the bad ways, too. I am still having visions; not of the particular accident but of crashing in general...and at times that are very unexpected. It is something that may need to be given more importance than I've given it so far...maybe even to counseling sessions.
And yet my accident has brought about some good changes in my life. Though I started dating before the accident (right after my new year started in November), I didn't really put myself out there until right after...and I met my first boyfriend. Though it didn't last, I would never had taken that first step (or at least taken much longer to take it) in a romantic relationship. He was the first guy I truly made out with and cared for, second guy that I kissed. Though I'm not sure now that I want to count the first guy as the first but, technically, he was.
But my ex-boyfriend was also the first true breakup I experienced. That sucked...as most of you know. And really, there isn't another word for it but that it sucked. Though he wasn't the one that I knew I would be with forever, it didn't last very long and I had hoped (from what he originally told me about the relationships he'd been in) that it would last long enough for me to learn more about how to be a girlfriend. The one thing that I can take away from it is that I was truly honest with him in everything; he even took note and appreciated that I was because "that's how his mom is." Hmmm...I know I'm not his mom but to be compared to her should've told me that things were probably not going to work out. And, though he'd made friends with mine and wanted our split to be amicable, he's basically disappeared...into the army...very weird but it kinda makes sense, too, since he runs away from everything and "to" nothing. But that's a journal for another time.
Anyway, though I'm not dating yet (it's been almost 3 months), I'm glad for the experience...though I'm still processing why certain things happened and why he was so pursuant and then absolutely nothing and for no reason (apparently), I know that he was good to have known. Honestly, my pride is a little hurt since it was me that took so long to get to the level he was on in feelings...then when I finally get there, he isn't anymore. It really wasn't meant to be and I knew it...but I forced it anyway and all I got was hurt.
Though, had I not cared for him, I wouldn't not have progressed in my life in that area. So, I'm thankful that God brought him to me for a time; I just wish that it hadn't ended so abruptly. I thought that we'd become good friends through it but I guess I was wrong.
But when I do care about a man again, it will be someone who will care for me the same...and hopefully longer than my ex. It's funny to say that...I have an ex. I guess that's progress. But anyway, back to the real point...I want to love someone for real that I'm not already related to...but I'm willing to wait for him. I don't want to be involved with anyone again who just drops me one day. I know it happens and it was destined to happen to me...but I also know that I can choose who I date. I say who I like. I have enough smarts to know who is good for me and who isn't....and I'm worth the right guy waiting for me. I know he is out there and I'm worth waiting for him, too.
Yeah, so I've also been watching Hallmark movies so I'm a little sentimental. But...it's all true. I'm worth more than I give myself credit for...and any man who can't see that is not worth my time.
So I'm going to enjoy my little weekend "off." I'm gonna take more bubble baths, drink a small glass of my favorite wine slowly, work on my dressers, walk with a few good friends, enjoy the beauty around me and be happy to be me. What are you gonna do this weekend?
It has been sort of a rough year...exciting but painful at times. There has definitely been good with the bad...or bad with the good...depending on which way you look at it.
To begin with, my year started on November 1, 2007, not January 1, 2008. Why? Because it was the one year anniversary of a day that my life totally changed on the inside...and a bit on the outside. It was an experience that no matter how you look at it, changed me. I woke up to a lot of things in my life...to questioning my motivations along with everyone else's. As I ended fixing some of what was broken in my life, I decided to start anew on that same date, one year later.
I'm 16 days away from the end of this new year (for me). As I reflect on all that has happened, I'm overwhelmed at how much a year has held for me and those around me. Six months ago from last Friday, I couldn't been dead to this world...literally. It was a very traumatic experience...one that I've grown from but also one that sticks to me in the bad ways, too. I am still having visions; not of the particular accident but of crashing in general...and at times that are very unexpected. It is something that may need to be given more importance than I've given it so far...maybe even to counseling sessions.
And yet my accident has brought about some good changes in my life. Though I started dating before the accident (right after my new year started in November), I didn't really put myself out there until right after...and I met my first boyfriend. Though it didn't last, I would never had taken that first step (or at least taken much longer to take it) in a romantic relationship. He was the first guy I truly made out with and cared for, second guy that I kissed. Though I'm not sure now that I want to count the first guy as the first but, technically, he was.
But my ex-boyfriend was also the first true breakup I experienced. That sucked...as most of you know. And really, there isn't another word for it but that it sucked. Though he wasn't the one that I knew I would be with forever, it didn't last very long and I had hoped (from what he originally told me about the relationships he'd been in) that it would last long enough for me to learn more about how to be a girlfriend. The one thing that I can take away from it is that I was truly honest with him in everything; he even took note and appreciated that I was because "that's how his mom is." Hmmm...I know I'm not his mom but to be compared to her should've told me that things were probably not going to work out. And, though he'd made friends with mine and wanted our split to be amicable, he's basically disappeared...into the army...very weird but it kinda makes sense, too, since he runs away from everything and "to" nothing. But that's a journal for another time.
Anyway, though I'm not dating yet (it's been almost 3 months), I'm glad for the experience...though I'm still processing why certain things happened and why he was so pursuant and then absolutely nothing and for no reason (apparently), I know that he was good to have known. Honestly, my pride is a little hurt since it was me that took so long to get to the level he was on in feelings...then when I finally get there, he isn't anymore. It really wasn't meant to be and I knew it...but I forced it anyway and all I got was hurt.
Though, had I not cared for him, I wouldn't not have progressed in my life in that area. So, I'm thankful that God brought him to me for a time; I just wish that it hadn't ended so abruptly. I thought that we'd become good friends through it but I guess I was wrong.
But when I do care about a man again, it will be someone who will care for me the same...and hopefully longer than my ex. It's funny to say that...I have an ex. I guess that's progress. But anyway, back to the real point...I want to love someone for real that I'm not already related to...but I'm willing to wait for him. I don't want to be involved with anyone again who just drops me one day. I know it happens and it was destined to happen to me...but I also know that I can choose who I date. I say who I like. I have enough smarts to know who is good for me and who isn't....and I'm worth the right guy waiting for me. I know he is out there and I'm worth waiting for him, too.
Yeah, so I've also been watching Hallmark movies so I'm a little sentimental. But...it's all true. I'm worth more than I give myself credit for...and any man who can't see that is not worth my time.
So I'm going to enjoy my little weekend "off." I'm gonna take more bubble baths, drink a small glass of my favorite wine slowly, work on my dressers, walk with a few good friends, enjoy the beauty around me and be happy to be me. What are you gonna do this weekend?
7.26.2007
Been a long time
I haven't written on this in a while since I now have a facebook page. Being that I can link this to that page, I've decided to go ahead and write something.
Today, I find myself suffering the effects of misplaced anger, disappointment and rejection - and I think it's all because of my inability to control my hormones at this time. I don't think I've done any irrepairable damage but I am a bit resentful of the fact that I cannot control my anger more often recently than in the past.
It could have something to do with the stress that I'm under; stress that I've tried not to burden on my friends. On one hand, I am really enjoying my life and the group of friends that I have and the time I get to spend with people (I'd like to spend more time with certain people but our schedules have not worked out). On the other hand, I am getting so pressured in other areas that I'm trying to push aside that I think I'm becoming unable to push to the side anymore. Because of this, it's invading the parts of my life that are good and making them less so.
I can pinpoint a few reasons very clearly. I wish that I didn't have to still deal with these things but it is clear that my person has to have closure in things. When I don't get that it takes me much longer to sift through. The last time I wrote on this blog, I had a certain individual in my life. Today finds me with a bit of left over anger and resentment with large amounts of relief, sadness and betrayal towards this person.
She has run away - again - and not had the decency to talk about her behavioral response to my reaction on a night that was so manipulated before you left. Then she has the gall to talk to a friend of mine as if nothing happened. Of course, she did tell me once that she wished she had become friends with this person instead of me - that I came through the back door (when, in actuality, it was me that she kept calling all the time, not the other way around, so how does that make sense?) In short, one of the reasons why I've had a bad week is that I found out that this former friend has run away to another state to people she had told me flat out were screwed up and she shouldn't be living with or close friends with (I wonder if they know how badly she talked about them - I'm very sure they think I'm this evil person by her accounts). Ok, so that makes it lie number too-many-to-count that she's told me in confidence - a word I learned the hard way that she does not know the meaning of and she's almost 32 years old! But the fact of the matter is that I did deal with things in the right way...and I still have all my friends but her to thank for it.
Another pressure is this whole not being married thing. I'm am being bombarded at all sides with this: a few friends who are pushing me towards men I've gotten to know and that I'm not attracted to, my parents and everyone in my life that is happily in a relationship. I know that they may mean well but enough already! I just don't want to be forced so much of the time. Do I wish I could be happy and in a relationship! Desperately, YES! But it hasn't happened and there is no one in my life currently that I feel that way about.
The pressure that is related to the above is that I have a guy friend who is confiding in me about his relationship. He is not sure he wants to be in it anymore; and then he has to add that he has more fun with me than with her. This is not good because shortly after he talked to me about being attracted to me and I told him I wasn't interested, he started dating this other woman. I can't know now that he wasn't still thinking of me while with her. I really like this woman and she is a dear friend. I do not want to see her hurt; but I don't want my friend in a relationship that makes him unhappy. Still, it puts me in an awkward position since I'm pretty sure she doesn't know that he's been talking to me a bit about it. I don't want to be in this position; and I told him that though we're good friends, I didn't think we should be talking about it.
So now I'm not so sure he's very happy with me.
There are other pressures but not ones I'm comfortable revealing here (so you know that they are really super personal). I just hate that I sort of took it out on two of the best people I know. I wish there was a way that I could snap my fingers and make yesterday just go away.
I'm just not happy with myself or my behavior. The only thing I can do today is hope that the apologies I left on their voicemails are acceptable and that I treat people, especially the people I love, better today - regardless of my monthly hormonal changes.
Today, I find myself suffering the effects of misplaced anger, disappointment and rejection - and I think it's all because of my inability to control my hormones at this time. I don't think I've done any irrepairable damage but I am a bit resentful of the fact that I cannot control my anger more often recently than in the past.
It could have something to do with the stress that I'm under; stress that I've tried not to burden on my friends. On one hand, I am really enjoying my life and the group of friends that I have and the time I get to spend with people (I'd like to spend more time with certain people but our schedules have not worked out). On the other hand, I am getting so pressured in other areas that I'm trying to push aside that I think I'm becoming unable to push to the side anymore. Because of this, it's invading the parts of my life that are good and making them less so.
I can pinpoint a few reasons very clearly. I wish that I didn't have to still deal with these things but it is clear that my person has to have closure in things. When I don't get that it takes me much longer to sift through. The last time I wrote on this blog, I had a certain individual in my life. Today finds me with a bit of left over anger and resentment with large amounts of relief, sadness and betrayal towards this person.
She has run away - again - and not had the decency to talk about her behavioral response to my reaction on a night that was so manipulated before you left. Then she has the gall to talk to a friend of mine as if nothing happened. Of course, she did tell me once that she wished she had become friends with this person instead of me - that I came through the back door (when, in actuality, it was me that she kept calling all the time, not the other way around, so how does that make sense?) In short, one of the reasons why I've had a bad week is that I found out that this former friend has run away to another state to people she had told me flat out were screwed up and she shouldn't be living with or close friends with (I wonder if they know how badly she talked about them - I'm very sure they think I'm this evil person by her accounts). Ok, so that makes it lie number too-many-to-count that she's told me in confidence - a word I learned the hard way that she does not know the meaning of and she's almost 32 years old! But the fact of the matter is that I did deal with things in the right way...and I still have all my friends but her to thank for it.
Another pressure is this whole not being married thing. I'm am being bombarded at all sides with this: a few friends who are pushing me towards men I've gotten to know and that I'm not attracted to, my parents and everyone in my life that is happily in a relationship. I know that they may mean well but enough already! I just don't want to be forced so much of the time. Do I wish I could be happy and in a relationship! Desperately, YES! But it hasn't happened and there is no one in my life currently that I feel that way about.
The pressure that is related to the above is that I have a guy friend who is confiding in me about his relationship. He is not sure he wants to be in it anymore; and then he has to add that he has more fun with me than with her. This is not good because shortly after he talked to me about being attracted to me and I told him I wasn't interested, he started dating this other woman. I can't know now that he wasn't still thinking of me while with her. I really like this woman and she is a dear friend. I do not want to see her hurt; but I don't want my friend in a relationship that makes him unhappy. Still, it puts me in an awkward position since I'm pretty sure she doesn't know that he's been talking to me a bit about it. I don't want to be in this position; and I told him that though we're good friends, I didn't think we should be talking about it.
So now I'm not so sure he's very happy with me.
There are other pressures but not ones I'm comfortable revealing here (so you know that they are really super personal). I just hate that I sort of took it out on two of the best people I know. I wish there was a way that I could snap my fingers and make yesterday just go away.
I'm just not happy with myself or my behavior. The only thing I can do today is hope that the apologies I left on their voicemails are acceptable and that I treat people, especially the people I love, better today - regardless of my monthly hormonal changes.
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