No, I'm not a trekkie. I always identified and like Star Wars more. However, this morning I was just floored with the idea that the space station orbiting the Earth is international. It's not called the U.S. space station or the American space station; it's the International Space Station. It is manned by astronauts from different countries. Have you ever thought about the meaning behind that simple fact? I didn't until this morning.
It's really amazing that for something as incredible and exciting as space exploration that we, as a human race, can work together. Though I don't know a whole heck of a lot about the subject (and that's coming from someone who has a grandma that's worked for NASA for over 20 years), it's so amazing to me that the countries of the world can come together for space exploration but not for anything else really. It's so disheartening; and yet, for something as big as discovering space, it's encouraging that we CAN put our differences aside and just explore as humankind. God really has created this amazing planet and solar system and universe(s) that's it's great we can see it together.
I had some friends out to my house July 5th to watch the space station and shuttle pass over Bloomington. It was such a cool sight to see! And the group of people that was there gave me chills. I have struggled so much in my life with wondering when this friend is going to decide that they don't like me any more and just leave me or when that friend is going to go all nutty and bring me down with them. But I realized that night that whatever happens in the future, I had some pretty great people as friends. Though I feel a lot of days like I don't measure up to any of them, I know they are my friend for a reason and that I do have a special, very unique place in their lives; and they in mine. As we stood there in my backyard and watched the little balls of light pass over our heads one right after the other, it made me feel special and gave me a warm feeling that we are never alone in this world - even if we're miles away on a space station circling our planet. There were people in those little balls of light; people who are brave enough to be our representatives in space. Brave enough to spend days, weeks, months and years on end away from the rest of us on an international space station, all to further our exploration of God's creation on behalf of the rest of us.
How I am so proud of them for doing that; and for working together with people of other nations on something that is more important than all the stupid things we go to war for. Why can't we be like them all the time? I guess that's a question that will never have an answer; until God comes back, of course. But then, for some of us, it may be too late to understand the real meanign of life. I hope by then that most of God's people will know about Him and claim him. I want Heaven to be full; even though sometimes I wonder about my own salvation. The one thing I do know is that He sent His Son, Jesus, to take away my sins; and though I don't deserve it, I accept it. I accept that I'm not perfect but He loves me anyway. It's hard but it's a gift. I'm so greatful to have that grace and mercy because I'm a sinner everyday and I need to be forgiven everyday. And He does that; that's the only reason why I'm still here, still sane, still living, still alive and still striving to be and do better. With love, you can do all things. With God, you have nothing to lose. He's already done everything for you; you just have to accept it and follow through. I sometimes forget that. But seeing that article today about the Atlantis shuttle getting ready to send more people to help build more to the International Space Station reminded me of this.
It really is an amazing thing, this International Space Station. :-)
7.28.2006
Post 140: Is this really a fortune?
Okay, so I'm kind of been disappointed lately with some of the fortunes I get. A lot are pretty obvious and sometimes really, really stupid. For example, maybe the following fortune means something deeper than what I can figure out but I really think that its stupid:
"To truly find yourself you should play hide and seek alone."
Huh? And why would anyone want to do that? I know it's meant to be spiritual and deep and soul-reflecting but it sounds more funny than it does any sort of epiphany. I have stuck it on my computer at work as a way to make me laugh some days. I asked myself this morning when I read it again, "Is this really a fortune?" I mean, how does it make me a fortune? Yeah, yeah - I find myself, yada, yada, yada. But sometimes I don't want to find myself. Ever think of that, oh wise fortune cookie people? I think I could do a better job at fortunes than you do! Mine wouldn't necessarily be wiser but they'd be funnier and more reflective of a normal person.
For example:
There are no lucky numbers, just Lucky Charms. They're magically delicious!
You are always going to be you so deal with it. Everyone else has.
Don't live your life as a fortune. This is just our job; we're getting paid to come up with this stuff.
Wisdom doesn't come from a fortune cookie; it comes from getting old.
Tomorrow is always tomorrow; stop worrying about it. It's going to be there. Trust me.
Yesterday is never coming back; be thankful and move on.
Time is constant; you shouldn't be. Otherwise, you'd be dull and no one wants to hang around a dull person.
Celebrities are just like us; they make the same stupid mistakes but everyone knows about them. Be thankful your secrets are still secrets.
That's just a few; I have a lot more but I won't bore you.
Oh, and how funny is this quote:
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
Uh-huh. And how did you come up with this one? Oh, and it's anonymous but attributed mostly to Dan Quayle and, yeah, you guessed it...Bill Clinton.
So, that's my little commentary for the day. Enjoy!
"To truly find yourself you should play hide and seek alone."
Huh? And why would anyone want to do that? I know it's meant to be spiritual and deep and soul-reflecting but it sounds more funny than it does any sort of epiphany. I have stuck it on my computer at work as a way to make me laugh some days. I asked myself this morning when I read it again, "Is this really a fortune?" I mean, how does it make me a fortune? Yeah, yeah - I find myself, yada, yada, yada. But sometimes I don't want to find myself. Ever think of that, oh wise fortune cookie people? I think I could do a better job at fortunes than you do! Mine wouldn't necessarily be wiser but they'd be funnier and more reflective of a normal person.
For example:
There are no lucky numbers, just Lucky Charms. They're magically delicious!
You are always going to be you so deal with it. Everyone else has.
Don't live your life as a fortune. This is just our job; we're getting paid to come up with this stuff.
Wisdom doesn't come from a fortune cookie; it comes from getting old.
Tomorrow is always tomorrow; stop worrying about it. It's going to be there. Trust me.
Yesterday is never coming back; be thankful and move on.
Time is constant; you shouldn't be. Otherwise, you'd be dull and no one wants to hang around a dull person.
Celebrities are just like us; they make the same stupid mistakes but everyone knows about them. Be thankful your secrets are still secrets.
That's just a few; I have a lot more but I won't bore you.
Oh, and how funny is this quote:
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
Uh-huh. And how did you come up with this one? Oh, and it's anonymous but attributed mostly to Dan Quayle and, yeah, you guessed it...Bill Clinton.
So, that's my little commentary for the day. Enjoy!
Post 139: Turned to Jello
Yep, that's what I feel like now. When I think about a particular guy, my insides turn to jello. This man just makes me come unglued that I can't concentrate...and I still don't know how to tell him. I talked to my mom about it last night and she was happy that I could have feelings like this - not happy that I wasn't doing anything about it but still happy for me. But he's a friend, I told her. I can't ask out a guy friend of mine that I have no clue if he's attracted to me. But he did flip my little ponytail last night. My friend thinks that he was flirting. I just don't know; I don't know how to read guys - really and truly I don't. Plus I don't know if he would even consider going out with a woman younger than him by several years. On my end, I know I need a man older than me to balance me out. Plus, he's also kind of private and I am so not. They say opposites attract but I'm not sure they attract in that way. All I know is that just by him touching my hair yesterday I almost went totally numb. I couldn't even talk to him much after that and tried not to look at him much because I was sure I'd broadcast too much. I am so at a loss what to do! Do I keep praying that God will just intervene in some way? Do I pray for these feelings to go away because they're wrong? Do I pray for something to happen? That's all I can do right now is pray. I'm too wrapped up inside to do anything else.
Maybe there is just something deep in me that is hindering my ability to do anything more; like a sense that maybe I don't deserve him. Maybe I don't deserve to be with any man right now. I haven't exactly succeeded in life - well, not monetarily. I'm not high maintenance in that way. Of course, I like nice things - who doesn't? But I don't expect a guy I'm dating to spend a lot of money on me. Yes, he should pay for our first few dates but after that we should be able to help each other. Of course, all women want our guys to treat us well all the time but in today's world that just doesn't seem to be possible. He starts thinking we're gold diggers if we ask to be treated nice (meaning pay every once in a while). And I'm not in a position to go dutch treat right now....
Okay, I just had the best compliment. Maybe I should start listening to people who say this to me...an older gentleman that I didn't even know came into work and started to walk around like he owned the place. I'd never seen him before though he kinda looked like our courier from Bedford. He was walking past my desk to leave when he stopped, turned to me and said, "I bet you haven't heard today what I'm going to say to you right now."
I said, "Uh, I don't know."
Then he said, "You look very, very lovely. No one's said that to you today, have they?"
"No," I said.
"See, there you go. You really are a lovely woman. Married, too, huh?"
Of course, I said, "Not yet."
"Oh, but you have a sweetie, right?" he asked.
"No," I said.
He said, "No sweetie?! You should be beating them off with a stick! What's wrong with the men these days?" I just kept laughing and smiling, basically being very very shy and embarrassed.
He said, "Well, next time I come back, you'll have one." Then he smiled and turned to leave. I hope he's right. He turned out to be the fathe of one of my co-workers. She's a character...now I know who she gets it from. :-)
You know, he's right. I should be beating them off with a stick - and maybe I'm too busy beating off the wrong ones that I can't see the right ones. I'm hoping this guy that turns me inside out is one of the right ones. All I know is that I have what I'm hoping is a healthy attraction to a man that is a good man. But I don't really know him deeply; but I know enough to be attracted. And it helps that he's also very, very attractive on the outside. That's always a plus. :-)
I guess I have to forget all my misgivings about myself and let things happen. Truthfully, I am trying to get out of my position and into a better one - it's taking FOREVER though! And I'm learning discipline and a lot about myself - good and bad. That's all we really can do, right? Better ourselves when we can and let life happen. Maybe I need to let life happen. I just sometimes wish it was simpler. But you do, too, right? So I'm just like everyone else. That's comforting to realize.
It's also comforting to know that God created us all unique. And that there's someone out there that likes (loves) us for just who we are right now. That's all I really want: for someone to like me for me because heaven knows, nobody else is perfect, either. I have to accept him for him, too. And let me tell you, I could so accept this man who likes making me into jello. Yummy. :-)
Maybe there is just something deep in me that is hindering my ability to do anything more; like a sense that maybe I don't deserve him. Maybe I don't deserve to be with any man right now. I haven't exactly succeeded in life - well, not monetarily. I'm not high maintenance in that way. Of course, I like nice things - who doesn't? But I don't expect a guy I'm dating to spend a lot of money on me. Yes, he should pay for our first few dates but after that we should be able to help each other. Of course, all women want our guys to treat us well all the time but in today's world that just doesn't seem to be possible. He starts thinking we're gold diggers if we ask to be treated nice (meaning pay every once in a while). And I'm not in a position to go dutch treat right now....
Okay, I just had the best compliment. Maybe I should start listening to people who say this to me...an older gentleman that I didn't even know came into work and started to walk around like he owned the place. I'd never seen him before though he kinda looked like our courier from Bedford. He was walking past my desk to leave when he stopped, turned to me and said, "I bet you haven't heard today what I'm going to say to you right now."
I said, "Uh, I don't know."
Then he said, "You look very, very lovely. No one's said that to you today, have they?"
"No," I said.
"See, there you go. You really are a lovely woman. Married, too, huh?"
Of course, I said, "Not yet."
"Oh, but you have a sweetie, right?" he asked.
"No," I said.
He said, "No sweetie?! You should be beating them off with a stick! What's wrong with the men these days?" I just kept laughing and smiling, basically being very very shy and embarrassed.
He said, "Well, next time I come back, you'll have one." Then he smiled and turned to leave. I hope he's right. He turned out to be the fathe of one of my co-workers. She's a character...now I know who she gets it from. :-)
You know, he's right. I should be beating them off with a stick - and maybe I'm too busy beating off the wrong ones that I can't see the right ones. I'm hoping this guy that turns me inside out is one of the right ones. All I know is that I have what I'm hoping is a healthy attraction to a man that is a good man. But I don't really know him deeply; but I know enough to be attracted. And it helps that he's also very, very attractive on the outside. That's always a plus. :-)
I guess I have to forget all my misgivings about myself and let things happen. Truthfully, I am trying to get out of my position and into a better one - it's taking FOREVER though! And I'm learning discipline and a lot about myself - good and bad. That's all we really can do, right? Better ourselves when we can and let life happen. Maybe I need to let life happen. I just sometimes wish it was simpler. But you do, too, right? So I'm just like everyone else. That's comforting to realize.
It's also comforting to know that God created us all unique. And that there's someone out there that likes (loves) us for just who we are right now. That's all I really want: for someone to like me for me because heaven knows, nobody else is perfect, either. I have to accept him for him, too. And let me tell you, I could so accept this man who likes making me into jello. Yummy. :-)
7.24.2006
Post 138: I resolve...
....to continue writing.
....to continue to look for full-time jobs with benefits.
....to move out of my living situation by January 2007 into my own, NICE apartment - at the least.
....to be out of debt completely by the time I'm 35.
....to have a house (with or without a husband) by the time I'm 40.
....to have kids by the time I'm 40 and married to the love of my life (as cliche as that sounds).
....to have a house on the beach for once in my life and actually live in it.
....to prove to everyone that I'm a smart, funny and attractive person and they need to accept me just the way I am - even if they think I'm a little high maintenance or a goody-two shoes.
....to keep God the center of my life no matter how hard it is and how many people think I'm crazy or don't understand it.
....to be a better daughter but not be pushed around.
....to be a better friend and not be pushed around.
....to be a better aunt.
....to be a better sister.
....to be someone people know they can depend on.
....to stand up for what I believe in when everyone around me doesn't.
....to not let anyone get me down and persevere through the trials.
....to always have a song in my heart.
....to learn Portuguese.
....to travel more.
....to take chances every once in awhile.
....to wear a bikini in public only if I have the body to and not a bikini that is too revealing.
....to be there for my friends whenever they need me; even when I feel horrible myself.
....to help someone somehow everyday.
....to live a life that God says, "Well done, good and faithful servant" on the day I meet Him in heaven.
....to continue to look for full-time jobs with benefits.
....to move out of my living situation by January 2007 into my own, NICE apartment - at the least.
....to be out of debt completely by the time I'm 35.
....to have a house (with or without a husband) by the time I'm 40.
....to have kids by the time I'm 40 and married to the love of my life (as cliche as that sounds).
....to have a house on the beach for once in my life and actually live in it.
....to prove to everyone that I'm a smart, funny and attractive person and they need to accept me just the way I am - even if they think I'm a little high maintenance or a goody-two shoes.
....to keep God the center of my life no matter how hard it is and how many people think I'm crazy or don't understand it.
....to be a better daughter but not be pushed around.
....to be a better friend and not be pushed around.
....to be a better aunt.
....to be a better sister.
....to be someone people know they can depend on.
....to stand up for what I believe in when everyone around me doesn't.
....to not let anyone get me down and persevere through the trials.
....to always have a song in my heart.
....to learn Portuguese.
....to travel more.
....to take chances every once in awhile.
....to wear a bikini in public only if I have the body to and not a bikini that is too revealing.
....to be there for my friends whenever they need me; even when I feel horrible myself.
....to help someone somehow everyday.
....to live a life that God says, "Well done, good and faithful servant" on the day I meet Him in heaven.
7.21.2006
Post 137: Zombie but no Zombie dreams...
So I didn't sleep last night but it wasn't because of nightmares. Instead, we had pop-up thunderstorms at 12:30 a.m. last night (and 3 a.m.). My nocturnal deprivation was further progressed because of them, not my over-active imagination. But the Good Lord provided me with a way to at least not have any nightmares or be too scared of the storm: our little Yorkshire Terrier, Buster Brown. Yes, he is also afraid of storms and since I live in the basement apartment, he ends up being my bedmate some nights (you can't hear the storm as loud in my apartment). So I had this little ball of long fur sleeping next to me last night. (he likes to cuddle right next to you; especially if you are sleeping on your side and your legs are bent - he rolls into a little ball and tucks himself into the crease behind your knees). It was comforting. He's such a dear little dog. We've had Yorkies before but they were so high-strung and high-pitched. Buster is a gentle little soul; so attentive and playful and adorable. Though I am so, so tired today, I know my little companion last night was sent to me so I didn't have any more nightmares. I did have a weird dream but it wasn't even close to a nightmare. Such a plus. :-)
Thanks goodness all I have to do today is work 4 hours, get my hair done and go home. I wouldn't mind hanging out with a few friends but all my girlfriends are busy or leaving on vacation and my guy friends, well, we only hang out if I've invited them to a movie or over for a poker party. I haven't done that so it's pretty impossible that we'll get together either; they are not ones to initiate much themselves.
Hmmm....I guess that means I have time to write, huh? :-)
Thanks goodness all I have to do today is work 4 hours, get my hair done and go home. I wouldn't mind hanging out with a few friends but all my girlfriends are busy or leaving on vacation and my guy friends, well, we only hang out if I've invited them to a movie or over for a poker party. I haven't done that so it's pretty impossible that we'll get together either; they are not ones to initiate much themselves.
Hmmm....I guess that means I have time to write, huh? :-)
7.20.2006
Post 136: Nightmares
I'm prone to them - always have been and, I fear, always will be. And here's a little secret for you: one of the major reasons it's been hard for me to write is because my writing has a direct effect on my sleeping habit. I tend to have nightmares more frequently when I find myself writing profusely - even about good stuff. I'm serious. This is the part I am not excited about. But it is a sign that I'm doing what I'm supposed to; I just hate the side effects.
Do you want an example? K - well, I'll give you one anyway. :-) I've had two fairly bad ones but I'll only tell you one of them.
The first is about that "Lady in the Water" movie. I'm sitting in the theatre with a guy friend of mine who really wants to see it - but it's just him and I which has never happened before. We're not on a date or anything like that as far as I can tell. About 20 minutes into the movie I excuse myself to go to the bathroom but I don't. Instead, I sit in the lobby and wait for the movie to be over. I was too scared to watch the rest but even as I sit there these awful visions from the movie are still haunting me. When it's obvious that I'm not coming back in, my friend comes out to look for me. Seeing me, he asks why I left. I told him that when I said I wasn't sure if I could sit through the movie that I wasn't kidding; and then I explain to him that I'm still having these bad visions even though I'm not watching it anymore. He says that then we can just go and he really wasn't liking it anyway. Though I knew he was lying. I told him no, he should go in and finish watching it because I knew him well enough to know he was just trying to be a gentleman. But as I said that my surroundings changed and I found myself in this weird place. My friend was standing behind me breathing heavily. I seemed to recognize the place but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then my friend's voice changed to be really deep as he said, "You should run now." I turned around to see that he had morphed into this awful looking wolf-man. His fangs were already dripping with blood but I could see no evidence of him killing anything. At that moment I realized that I was in the movie. It was like I was trapped in this box where I could see the screen and I could see the people watching me in the movie as I was banging on the screen for someone to get me out of there. But all they kept doing was eating their popcorn, mesmerized by what they were watching - and they had 3D glasses. Weird.
Then my friend said, "No one can help you now. You are trapped in here so start running otherwise, this is going to be the easiest kill I've had. We need to entertain people."
"Entertain people?" I asked, pretty much frozen in place, horrified at my situtation.
"Before I kill you. This isn't a movie."
Then he lunged at me, knocked me to the ground and ripped off the skin on my face with his teeth but I was still alive. I won't go into what happened next but I died a horrible death before I woke up breathing hard and turned my light on very quickly. It took me awile to turn my life off and to try to go back to sleep. This is the third or fourth night of nightmares.
I am not joking when I say that there are days I wish someone would spend just 24 hours in my head. It really isn't easy many days to be me. It's not that I don't have things and friends and family that care about me but I have this head that is constantly moving, thinking and keeping me on edge that I don't truly know what peace or quiet is - even when I'm desperate for it or am trying to clear my head. I haven't had nightmares this bad in awhile - ever since 8 years ago when I seriously put down my pen because what I wrote scared me so I swore off writing ever again.
This is why I say my imagination is a blessing AND a curse. It doesn't just come with great stories; it comes with stories that freak me out - and my head is the one that conjures them up. I scare MYSELF half the time. I so don't need a movie or a trailer of a movie to do it for me. It's why I'm so sensitive when it comes to some movies and stuff.
I know that the evil one is using a gift God has given me to try to stop me from pursuing God's will. I have to fight it like I've never fought it before. I know there may be worse nights to come but I am going to be ready for them - even if I have to sleep with a nightlight and stop watching TV completely. I haven't watch more than an hour of TV in the last five days. Still, I have nightmares. I just have to be careful, keep writing, don't give up and pray very seriously about this.
I'm not sure if I tell any of my friends about this yet. I know that a few do read my blog so they'll know. But I don't know if I should give this wings or not yet. If I do, maybe I'm playing into the evil one's hands. I think I'm going to leave it up to God if I should have people pray about this for me yet. It has only been a few days and that could be becasue of my hormones - though I hightly doubt that this is why since I don't usually have nightmares when I'm hormonal. But I'm kind of hoping that that's the reason.
The other thing is that my nightmares take awhile to end even when I wake up from them. I've had several instances through childhood and early adulthood of hallucinating after having a nightmare. Most of the time, turning on the light makes it go away - but not always. And that's the scary truth. I have to pray very quickly and out loud sometimes to make it go away. But since I haven't had these for so long and so infrequently since I quit writing seriously eight years ago, I know that they have to be back because I'm serious again about writing. I've always hinted to people about this tendency with my writing but I've never gone in depth with it to them. But the person I've become now won't allow me to hide it for too much longer. I'm just not able to keep things like this to myself anymore. It's too hard.
But I don't want to send out an e-mail yet. I think I'm going to let those who read this pray for me if they want and then tell a few of my close friends about it. I really think I'm being attacked again. On the other hand, I know that it's a sign that God wants to use this gift of mine in a way that the evil one so does not want to happen. And that is inspiring. :-)
Do you want an example? K - well, I'll give you one anyway. :-) I've had two fairly bad ones but I'll only tell you one of them.
The first is about that "Lady in the Water" movie. I'm sitting in the theatre with a guy friend of mine who really wants to see it - but it's just him and I which has never happened before. We're not on a date or anything like that as far as I can tell. About 20 minutes into the movie I excuse myself to go to the bathroom but I don't. Instead, I sit in the lobby and wait for the movie to be over. I was too scared to watch the rest but even as I sit there these awful visions from the movie are still haunting me. When it's obvious that I'm not coming back in, my friend comes out to look for me. Seeing me, he asks why I left. I told him that when I said I wasn't sure if I could sit through the movie that I wasn't kidding; and then I explain to him that I'm still having these bad visions even though I'm not watching it anymore. He says that then we can just go and he really wasn't liking it anyway. Though I knew he was lying. I told him no, he should go in and finish watching it because I knew him well enough to know he was just trying to be a gentleman. But as I said that my surroundings changed and I found myself in this weird place. My friend was standing behind me breathing heavily. I seemed to recognize the place but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then my friend's voice changed to be really deep as he said, "You should run now." I turned around to see that he had morphed into this awful looking wolf-man. His fangs were already dripping with blood but I could see no evidence of him killing anything. At that moment I realized that I was in the movie. It was like I was trapped in this box where I could see the screen and I could see the people watching me in the movie as I was banging on the screen for someone to get me out of there. But all they kept doing was eating their popcorn, mesmerized by what they were watching - and they had 3D glasses. Weird.
Then my friend said, "No one can help you now. You are trapped in here so start running otherwise, this is going to be the easiest kill I've had. We need to entertain people."
"Entertain people?" I asked, pretty much frozen in place, horrified at my situtation.
"Before I kill you. This isn't a movie."
Then he lunged at me, knocked me to the ground and ripped off the skin on my face with his teeth but I was still alive. I won't go into what happened next but I died a horrible death before I woke up breathing hard and turned my light on very quickly. It took me awile to turn my life off and to try to go back to sleep. This is the third or fourth night of nightmares.
I am not joking when I say that there are days I wish someone would spend just 24 hours in my head. It really isn't easy many days to be me. It's not that I don't have things and friends and family that care about me but I have this head that is constantly moving, thinking and keeping me on edge that I don't truly know what peace or quiet is - even when I'm desperate for it or am trying to clear my head. I haven't had nightmares this bad in awhile - ever since 8 years ago when I seriously put down my pen because what I wrote scared me so I swore off writing ever again.
This is why I say my imagination is a blessing AND a curse. It doesn't just come with great stories; it comes with stories that freak me out - and my head is the one that conjures them up. I scare MYSELF half the time. I so don't need a movie or a trailer of a movie to do it for me. It's why I'm so sensitive when it comes to some movies and stuff.
I know that the evil one is using a gift God has given me to try to stop me from pursuing God's will. I have to fight it like I've never fought it before. I know there may be worse nights to come but I am going to be ready for them - even if I have to sleep with a nightlight and stop watching TV completely. I haven't watch more than an hour of TV in the last five days. Still, I have nightmares. I just have to be careful, keep writing, don't give up and pray very seriously about this.
I'm not sure if I tell any of my friends about this yet. I know that a few do read my blog so they'll know. But I don't know if I should give this wings or not yet. If I do, maybe I'm playing into the evil one's hands. I think I'm going to leave it up to God if I should have people pray about this for me yet. It has only been a few days and that could be becasue of my hormones - though I hightly doubt that this is why since I don't usually have nightmares when I'm hormonal. But I'm kind of hoping that that's the reason.
The other thing is that my nightmares take awhile to end even when I wake up from them. I've had several instances through childhood and early adulthood of hallucinating after having a nightmare. Most of the time, turning on the light makes it go away - but not always. And that's the scary truth. I have to pray very quickly and out loud sometimes to make it go away. But since I haven't had these for so long and so infrequently since I quit writing seriously eight years ago, I know that they have to be back because I'm serious again about writing. I've always hinted to people about this tendency with my writing but I've never gone in depth with it to them. But the person I've become now won't allow me to hide it for too much longer. I'm just not able to keep things like this to myself anymore. It's too hard.
But I don't want to send out an e-mail yet. I think I'm going to let those who read this pray for me if they want and then tell a few of my close friends about it. I really think I'm being attacked again. On the other hand, I know that it's a sign that God wants to use this gift of mine in a way that the evil one so does not want to happen. And that is inspiring. :-)
7.17.2006
Post 135: Sunbathing bliss
Yes, I like to sunbathe. I haven't done it in awhile but I do miss it. To be honest, I was never one of those serious sunbathers - you know, the ones that have the leather-like skin. But I liked to do it when I had the chance and it wasn't too hot (and as long as there was a clean pool nearby or the ocean). Yesterday, a friend of mine and I ended up at the local lake retreat and sunbathed poolside. It was the first time I've worn a two-piece in public; it's the only bathing suit I have right now that is decent so I had no choice. So, though I was highly self-conscious to begin with, my friend made it easy for me to relax uncovered so. By the time we left three hours later, I actually had more confidence.
You know, my confidence is increasing exponentially everyday. I still have my moments of self-estee and depression problems, but I'm surprisingly getting over them quickly. I can attribute this change in me to two things: sending off my first story and my new friend. She has confidence to spare - and I don't mean that in a bad way. She is open and honest and real, so real, with you (the only other person I have known like her is my best friend in CA - she also tells it like it is). My new friend also accepts herself as someone who has made mistakes but moves on and learns from them. She also is developing this amazing heart for the Lord that is so inspiring to me. We are so different in many ways but alike in the ways that matter; we are definitely rubbing off on each other in good ways. She won't let me off the hook either. She tells me when I'm being stupid and that I should take pride in myself. She is completely convinced that I'm supposed to be a writer - she's the only one who is (I have trouble every once in a while believing it myself) - and she's not allowing me to give up. She's encouraging me to try and to not squander what God gave me. Even if I never become this famous writer, I know that I need to follow through in this gift to figure out how God wants me to use it - even if it's just to write to Him.
Sending off my first story a few months ago was like cutting off my arm - it was painful and all the blood I lost made me nausious. That's kind of a gross description but that's literally how I felt. For some reason, my stories - my words - are so important to me. You know how some people are very reserved and introverted and hate it when their solitude is interrupted even in the slightest way? That's how I am with my writing - I'm so protective of it. It's so important to me that I actually fooled myself into not doing it because it could be ruined. How in the world did I ever get there? It doesn't make sense - I know that now. So at least two days this week, I am meeting with her so she can study and I can write. We are keeping each other accountable - and you know what? That's really what I've needed all these years - an accountability partner who will be supportive while telling me when I'm being stupid.
Maybe to most of you reading this lying in public in a two-piece bathing suit isn't a confidence booster but when you've been a person who's struggled with self-esteem her whole life, to get to this point is so encouraging and life-affirming. I'd still feel better when my body is tighter but it's tight enough for me to start feeling comfortable in my own skin. I know that that sounds vain or too self-involved but I can't help you thinking that. What I know is that I've always had a problem with myself and though I know God accepts me just the way I am, I have trouble accepting that. We all have trouble accepting part of ourselves and struggle with issues that God has already cleared us of - loving us regardless. But there are ways He gives us to see ourselves differently - better. For me, I find solace in being, feeling and looking healthy. I still eat fries and break and stuff but I know when to enjoy them and when to not. And looking good, helps me to feel good and helps me to be more confident so I believe in myself - God may not have to work at believing in me but I do. We all want to understand why He just gives us grace and is merciful when we so aren't worth it. I feel worth it now - so watch out, I'm coming out!
I don't really like the single life but my friend has also reminded me that I am at a very great point in my life right now even though I don't know how I'm going to pay my bills next week. I am at a transition that is going to be a good one. I have freedom to choose but more so, the freedom to follow God. I don't have anyone tying me down. If God wants me to go somewhere, I can up and go. If I were involved, I couldn't. And, on the other hand, I have nothing holding me down so if I were to get involved now and it become serious, I could leave with him - no ties. So, either way, I'm in a good place. I know what I want, what I have to do and have the good uncertainty that I can do anything and go anywhere at a moments notice. I love to travel - so maybe I'll be able to do that sooner than later. As a writer, I can come up with endless possibilities - I can end up in New York meeting with editors to publish my book; I can end up taking a vacation with my parents, writing a travel article, getting published and being hired as a travel magazine writer; I could meet someone on a plane, love at first site, and be married in the next two years, starting a family and my writing career then; I could find myself working for an NFL, NBA or MLB team in the front office, find myself in the right place at the right time and end up being on-air talent on ESPN (so this is a long shot but it would be cool). There are so many things that can happen. And maybe God is preparing me for one of these great next steps.
What I have to do is keep Him my Center and follow through on what I know now. He'll correct me when He needs to and alter my path at the right time. I have confidence now - or is it that my faith is returning but this time, it's stronger? I don't know that yet but I will in due time.
Isn't it just a beautiful day - that's not a question, it's a statement. :-)
You know, my confidence is increasing exponentially everyday. I still have my moments of self-estee and depression problems, but I'm surprisingly getting over them quickly. I can attribute this change in me to two things: sending off my first story and my new friend. She has confidence to spare - and I don't mean that in a bad way. She is open and honest and real, so real, with you (the only other person I have known like her is my best friend in CA - she also tells it like it is). My new friend also accepts herself as someone who has made mistakes but moves on and learns from them. She also is developing this amazing heart for the Lord that is so inspiring to me. We are so different in many ways but alike in the ways that matter; we are definitely rubbing off on each other in good ways. She won't let me off the hook either. She tells me when I'm being stupid and that I should take pride in myself. She is completely convinced that I'm supposed to be a writer - she's the only one who is (I have trouble every once in a while believing it myself) - and she's not allowing me to give up. She's encouraging me to try and to not squander what God gave me. Even if I never become this famous writer, I know that I need to follow through in this gift to figure out how God wants me to use it - even if it's just to write to Him.
Sending off my first story a few months ago was like cutting off my arm - it was painful and all the blood I lost made me nausious. That's kind of a gross description but that's literally how I felt. For some reason, my stories - my words - are so important to me. You know how some people are very reserved and introverted and hate it when their solitude is interrupted even in the slightest way? That's how I am with my writing - I'm so protective of it. It's so important to me that I actually fooled myself into not doing it because it could be ruined. How in the world did I ever get there? It doesn't make sense - I know that now. So at least two days this week, I am meeting with her so she can study and I can write. We are keeping each other accountable - and you know what? That's really what I've needed all these years - an accountability partner who will be supportive while telling me when I'm being stupid.
Maybe to most of you reading this lying in public in a two-piece bathing suit isn't a confidence booster but when you've been a person who's struggled with self-esteem her whole life, to get to this point is so encouraging and life-affirming. I'd still feel better when my body is tighter but it's tight enough for me to start feeling comfortable in my own skin. I know that that sounds vain or too self-involved but I can't help you thinking that. What I know is that I've always had a problem with myself and though I know God accepts me just the way I am, I have trouble accepting that. We all have trouble accepting part of ourselves and struggle with issues that God has already cleared us of - loving us regardless. But there are ways He gives us to see ourselves differently - better. For me, I find solace in being, feeling and looking healthy. I still eat fries and break and stuff but I know when to enjoy them and when to not. And looking good, helps me to feel good and helps me to be more confident so I believe in myself - God may not have to work at believing in me but I do. We all want to understand why He just gives us grace and is merciful when we so aren't worth it. I feel worth it now - so watch out, I'm coming out!
I don't really like the single life but my friend has also reminded me that I am at a very great point in my life right now even though I don't know how I'm going to pay my bills next week. I am at a transition that is going to be a good one. I have freedom to choose but more so, the freedom to follow God. I don't have anyone tying me down. If God wants me to go somewhere, I can up and go. If I were involved, I couldn't. And, on the other hand, I have nothing holding me down so if I were to get involved now and it become serious, I could leave with him - no ties. So, either way, I'm in a good place. I know what I want, what I have to do and have the good uncertainty that I can do anything and go anywhere at a moments notice. I love to travel - so maybe I'll be able to do that sooner than later. As a writer, I can come up with endless possibilities - I can end up in New York meeting with editors to publish my book; I can end up taking a vacation with my parents, writing a travel article, getting published and being hired as a travel magazine writer; I could meet someone on a plane, love at first site, and be married in the next two years, starting a family and my writing career then; I could find myself working for an NFL, NBA or MLB team in the front office, find myself in the right place at the right time and end up being on-air talent on ESPN (so this is a long shot but it would be cool). There are so many things that can happen. And maybe God is preparing me for one of these great next steps.
What I have to do is keep Him my Center and follow through on what I know now. He'll correct me when He needs to and alter my path at the right time. I have confidence now - or is it that my faith is returning but this time, it's stronger? I don't know that yet but I will in due time.
Isn't it just a beautiful day - that's not a question, it's a statement. :-)
7.13.2006
Post 134: Creating a Masterpiece
Well, it won't be a masterpiece but I hope my friend likes it. In fact, I hope all my friends like theirs - because they'll eventually have one, too. I can't say what it is because my friend who the first one is for reads my blog sometimes. I so don't want to give it away. Today is not a super busy day so I used the quiet time (between 11:30 a.m. and 1 p.m.) in the office to sit and write on my little pad. I had everything done at that point and was just answering the phone. I think it turned out okay but I know it wouldn't win any awards. Only my friend really has to like it - if she does then it's a success.
I'm not looking forward to after work - only because it's probably going to storm and I'm not going to be able to do my workout at the Y (today I'm supposed to swim 1/2 mile and do my full weight workout - and I really want to do it). But I also just found out that I have to go home and let the dog out right after work so my workout will be later and by that time, it may be storming - not to mention the fact that I still have to go to my friend's for Bible study later in the evening. I hate days that are so up in the air. They are really annoying. Now, if this ends up being a day where things go even better than planned then it's worth it. But I don't have many days like that - in fact, I can't remember the last day I had like that. All my days usually go worse.
I'm still waiting for that fun, exciting thing to happen to me this year. I'm due for a good year - not a year that's like all the others. But, unfortunately, this year is looking and feeling like every other year. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and sounds like a duck - it is a duck. Well, I'm hoping that this year breaks that cliche wide open. I hope that duck becomes a swam somehow. 'Cause I'm gettin' tired of being in the same old routine. I'm ready for something fun and life-changing (notice the "and" - I don't want one without the other and they have to be completely dependent on one another - not something fun and something else that's life changing - because the life-changing can be bad and I'm done with bad).
I want something good. I want, I want, I want...so I'm a little whiny right now. We all deserve to be at times. I'm not apologizing for it. I'm keepin' it real...GOOOSH!
So, my friends have gotten me hooked on this little movie you may have heard of...Napoleon Dynamite. It seems that every time I see my friends they are saying one of the lines for this movie. And a guy friend of mine has kind of come out of his shell even more after our first discussion about that movie. He smiles more - and let me tell you, he has the best smile I've ever seen. It's nice to see it more often - though it's a little dangerous for me. :-) That's all I'm saying about that. Moving on...
BTW, I saw Pirates, of course. SPOILER ALERT (sort of ): It's a cliffhanger. I can't say how or why since some of my friends haven't seen it yet but I was perturbed. I actually said - out loud - when the movie ended, "No! You can't do this to me!" Yeah, I really did say it out loud. The two friends I was sitting between just laughed at me. So now we all have to wait another year - but I think it was probably a given that the movie would end something like this since there's already a third movie in the works. It was good but it was different than the first. It wasn't bad at all but it was a different experience than the first one. And, after thinking about it for a week now, you really need to see the first movie before you see the second - if you happen to be one of the six or seven who actually didn't see the first one. The second movie refers back to some of the scenes in the first one so I think it would make more sense to see the first first. But, I want to leave no doubt that it's worth the price of admission.
This week, some of us want to go see Cars. But I kind of want to see it or Superman at the drive-in. However, I'm a little broke right now and I need to take some time to stay home and relax. Plus, I kind of wish I were dating. I've had offers but not ones from guys that I'm even remotely interested in. I'm starting to believe that I really may just end up dating the guy that is supposed to be my husband. I mean, maybe that's why God is saving me from myself right now. Of course, I don't want to go into my next dating relationship thinking that - it's not fair to him. But, deep down, I kind of hope that is what God wants for me and is leading me to. Time will tell.
Okay, I should go now. Work is almost over and I'm so ready to swim. :-)
I'm not looking forward to after work - only because it's probably going to storm and I'm not going to be able to do my workout at the Y (today I'm supposed to swim 1/2 mile and do my full weight workout - and I really want to do it). But I also just found out that I have to go home and let the dog out right after work so my workout will be later and by that time, it may be storming - not to mention the fact that I still have to go to my friend's for Bible study later in the evening. I hate days that are so up in the air. They are really annoying. Now, if this ends up being a day where things go even better than planned then it's worth it. But I don't have many days like that - in fact, I can't remember the last day I had like that. All my days usually go worse.
I'm still waiting for that fun, exciting thing to happen to me this year. I'm due for a good year - not a year that's like all the others. But, unfortunately, this year is looking and feeling like every other year. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and sounds like a duck - it is a duck. Well, I'm hoping that this year breaks that cliche wide open. I hope that duck becomes a swam somehow. 'Cause I'm gettin' tired of being in the same old routine. I'm ready for something fun and life-changing (notice the "and" - I don't want one without the other and they have to be completely dependent on one another - not something fun and something else that's life changing - because the life-changing can be bad and I'm done with bad).
I want something good. I want, I want, I want...so I'm a little whiny right now. We all deserve to be at times. I'm not apologizing for it. I'm keepin' it real...GOOOSH!
So, my friends have gotten me hooked on this little movie you may have heard of...Napoleon Dynamite. It seems that every time I see my friends they are saying one of the lines for this movie. And a guy friend of mine has kind of come out of his shell even more after our first discussion about that movie. He smiles more - and let me tell you, he has the best smile I've ever seen. It's nice to see it more often - though it's a little dangerous for me. :-) That's all I'm saying about that. Moving on...
BTW, I saw Pirates, of course. SPOILER ALERT (sort of ): It's a cliffhanger. I can't say how or why since some of my friends haven't seen it yet but I was perturbed. I actually said - out loud - when the movie ended, "No! You can't do this to me!" Yeah, I really did say it out loud. The two friends I was sitting between just laughed at me. So now we all have to wait another year - but I think it was probably a given that the movie would end something like this since there's already a third movie in the works. It was good but it was different than the first. It wasn't bad at all but it was a different experience than the first one. And, after thinking about it for a week now, you really need to see the first movie before you see the second - if you happen to be one of the six or seven who actually didn't see the first one. The second movie refers back to some of the scenes in the first one so I think it would make more sense to see the first first. But, I want to leave no doubt that it's worth the price of admission.
This week, some of us want to go see Cars. But I kind of want to see it or Superman at the drive-in. However, I'm a little broke right now and I need to take some time to stay home and relax. Plus, I kind of wish I were dating. I've had offers but not ones from guys that I'm even remotely interested in. I'm starting to believe that I really may just end up dating the guy that is supposed to be my husband. I mean, maybe that's why God is saving me from myself right now. Of course, I don't want to go into my next dating relationship thinking that - it's not fair to him. But, deep down, I kind of hope that is what God wants for me and is leading me to. Time will tell.
Okay, I should go now. Work is almost over and I'm so ready to swim. :-)
7.12.2006
Post 133: To be or not to be...
...that is NOT the question for me. Otherwise, I'd drive myself insane trying to figure it out. But, since I'm already in the looney bin, I guess it wouldn't be a far drive. :-)
Today, my toe really hurts. I'm wearing open-toed, slip on shoes but I still find that I have to walk on the inside of my left foot, creating a slight limp. Going upstairs doesn't hurt so much but going downstairs - well, I almost would rather hop down them on one leg instead of trying to manuever. I think that they should study me - researchers on clumsiness, I mean. I think I'm their perfect test subject. I can excuse my knack for tripping-when-there-isn't-anything-to-trip-over on my seizure disorder as a child - but it's much funnier to just say that I'm a little off at times. Still, if there is a man out there that likes slapstick - I'm the girl for him. He wouldn't have to rent The Three Stooges movies - all he'd need to do is make some popcorn and follow me around during the day. I'm sure he'd get his fill of slapstick comedy within the first 30 minutes of me getting out of bed. :-)
Today has been a real interesting day at work. I didn't have my computer for much of it - which made me realize that my entire job has to do with this computer. I could do nothing while it was down. It sucked at first - but I'm a closet opportunist. I quickly realized I had an excuse not to work and started to write some fun poetry and stories. It was a nice break to my day. I didn't get much done on my stories but I got some great ideas for a friend's birthday present. It will be creative and I know she won't get this from anyone else. So I'm kind of really excited and so want to focus on it right now but I'm writing this blog instead. Hmmm...either way, I'm being bad at work. I think a friend of mine has rubbed off on me this week. His boss was gone last week and he revealed to me that he was kind of slacking off at work while he was gone. With his boss gone, I'm sure that there really wasn't much for him to do since I think his job relies upon his boss' needs. But this is a guy that I'm pretty sure is a hard and detailed worker - so it was a little surprising that he was being a slacker. If he can sometimes relax at his job, then I can, too. Of course, I will use any excuse to get out of working. It's not that I'm not a good worker; I am. I can be a very, very hard worker but you also have to have balance or else you aren't as effective for your employers. Though I've been to CA twice this year - it has been for ecstenuating circumstances and not for vacation. I know that I've felt this way before; the last time I felt this way, I was overdue for a vacation (and everyone around me knew it). But with no money for a plane ticket or a job that will allow me to be gone and me not be in financial ruin, I don't have a choice but to stick around. I can only dream about being on a beach somewhere. I just need to hear the ocean, walk on the beach and be at peace for a few days. Then I'll be recharged and ready for work again.
Oh, well. My timing is off. I'll just have be content with where I'm at until an opportunity presents itself - hopefully, that opportunity is just around the corner. :-) And wouldn't it be great if it was with a guy that I'm dating? Where are you, Mr. Dreamboat? Come find me...on the beach. :-)
Today, my toe really hurts. I'm wearing open-toed, slip on shoes but I still find that I have to walk on the inside of my left foot, creating a slight limp. Going upstairs doesn't hurt so much but going downstairs - well, I almost would rather hop down them on one leg instead of trying to manuever. I think that they should study me - researchers on clumsiness, I mean. I think I'm their perfect test subject. I can excuse my knack for tripping-when-there-isn't-anything-to-trip-over on my seizure disorder as a child - but it's much funnier to just say that I'm a little off at times. Still, if there is a man out there that likes slapstick - I'm the girl for him. He wouldn't have to rent The Three Stooges movies - all he'd need to do is make some popcorn and follow me around during the day. I'm sure he'd get his fill of slapstick comedy within the first 30 minutes of me getting out of bed. :-)
Today has been a real interesting day at work. I didn't have my computer for much of it - which made me realize that my entire job has to do with this computer. I could do nothing while it was down. It sucked at first - but I'm a closet opportunist. I quickly realized I had an excuse not to work and started to write some fun poetry and stories. It was a nice break to my day. I didn't get much done on my stories but I got some great ideas for a friend's birthday present. It will be creative and I know she won't get this from anyone else. So I'm kind of really excited and so want to focus on it right now but I'm writing this blog instead. Hmmm...either way, I'm being bad at work. I think a friend of mine has rubbed off on me this week. His boss was gone last week and he revealed to me that he was kind of slacking off at work while he was gone. With his boss gone, I'm sure that there really wasn't much for him to do since I think his job relies upon his boss' needs. But this is a guy that I'm pretty sure is a hard and detailed worker - so it was a little surprising that he was being a slacker. If he can sometimes relax at his job, then I can, too. Of course, I will use any excuse to get out of working. It's not that I'm not a good worker; I am. I can be a very, very hard worker but you also have to have balance or else you aren't as effective for your employers. Though I've been to CA twice this year - it has been for ecstenuating circumstances and not for vacation. I know that I've felt this way before; the last time I felt this way, I was overdue for a vacation (and everyone around me knew it). But with no money for a plane ticket or a job that will allow me to be gone and me not be in financial ruin, I don't have a choice but to stick around. I can only dream about being on a beach somewhere. I just need to hear the ocean, walk on the beach and be at peace for a few days. Then I'll be recharged and ready for work again.
Oh, well. My timing is off. I'll just have be content with where I'm at until an opportunity presents itself - hopefully, that opportunity is just around the corner. :-) And wouldn't it be great if it was with a guy that I'm dating? Where are you, Mr. Dreamboat? Come find me...on the beach. :-)
7.11.2006
Post 132: Slow Day...San Diego?
K - so this is obviously a very slow day at work. I'm trying to stay busy but I can't. This is why I really need a full-time job that keeps me busy. I sit around at work and type on my blog or check my e-mail incessantly - and I don't like doing that at work but I've gotten used to it - that's a bad thing.
My friend in CA responded to an e-mail that I sent earlier today. In it, she encouraged me to move to San Diego...back to my home state. I'd be living in the same city as a mutual friend of ours and I would be closer to her. She's just had two kids (little girls) and I haven't seen them in person yet. It would be nice to be closer to my own family, too, (especially my niece and nephews) but the thought of moving to CA is not super enticing. If I were going with my husband or my parents, maybe. But leaving my parents here and my friends here isn't something that I'm ready for yet. I may be open to it but I'm not ready for it - especially since I checked the amount of apartment rentals.
ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS! I know it shouldn't surprise me since I'm from there and know how expensive it is...but a modest one-bedroom, 690 sq. ft. apartment starts at $1,099 - per month! That's more than a house payment back here! I could have a house for that. So, yeah, I'd gain beach access and views but is it worth that much a month for just one bedroom? To me, not right now. If I were moneybags though, I'd buy a place in which to use when I visit - alas, moneybags, I am not - unless I win the lottery and I've only won $4 so far...so I'm guessing that that isn't a valid option. :-)
But it's nice to daydream and think of what if's - it's really why I should be a writer. It's just taking forever to get there. And I'm more and more convinced everyday that that's what I should be. It's only a matter of time before I find my niche in writing and start succeeding...but it's the waiting and the wondering and the patience it's taking to persevere. I am going to be so strong after all of this...and I know that God is going to bring me out of it. I just have to keep the faith and keep allowing him to mold me - even if it hurts sometimes.
My friend in CA responded to an e-mail that I sent earlier today. In it, she encouraged me to move to San Diego...back to my home state. I'd be living in the same city as a mutual friend of ours and I would be closer to her. She's just had two kids (little girls) and I haven't seen them in person yet. It would be nice to be closer to my own family, too, (especially my niece and nephews) but the thought of moving to CA is not super enticing. If I were going with my husband or my parents, maybe. But leaving my parents here and my friends here isn't something that I'm ready for yet. I may be open to it but I'm not ready for it - especially since I checked the amount of apartment rentals.
ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS! I know it shouldn't surprise me since I'm from there and know how expensive it is...but a modest one-bedroom, 690 sq. ft. apartment starts at $1,099 - per month! That's more than a house payment back here! I could have a house for that. So, yeah, I'd gain beach access and views but is it worth that much a month for just one bedroom? To me, not right now. If I were moneybags though, I'd buy a place in which to use when I visit - alas, moneybags, I am not - unless I win the lottery and I've only won $4 so far...so I'm guessing that that isn't a valid option. :-)
But it's nice to daydream and think of what if's - it's really why I should be a writer. It's just taking forever to get there. And I'm more and more convinced everyday that that's what I should be. It's only a matter of time before I find my niche in writing and start succeeding...but it's the waiting and the wondering and the patience it's taking to persevere. I am going to be so strong after all of this...and I know that God is going to bring me out of it. I just have to keep the faith and keep allowing him to mold me - even if it hurts sometimes.
Post 131: Me: the Klutz
Um...so I jinxed myself further with the blog I just submitted about an hour ago. I'm now sitting at my desk with a hurt foot and the knowledge that until I leave for the day, I should NOT get back up from my desk (I'm not wondering if I shouldn't even go to the bathroom - I might just trip and hurt myself more).
And how it happened, well, it's too stupid. I had just finished carrying the unused and extremely heavy aforementioned rental guide boxes back to my desk, when I realized that I had left my card to get back into the building in my car. Having already reached the building door, I had to turn around and walk all the way back to my car which is in the very back of the parking lot. As I turned around, somehow my left foot didn't get the message - or rather it didn't get the whole message and moved errantly - because the next thing I knew I was WALKING on my little toe - FACE DOWN! Yeah, I can't figure it out either; how does that happen? It hurt. A lot. But I've learned that when you hurt yourself like that, you walk it off. Well, it didn't really work this time. I'm sitting with my foot not touching the floor (they really never do because it feels weird to me; I usually have my chair high enough that I can only touch the legs of it, not the floor) and it still hurts an hour later. I really hope I didn't do anything bad to it. I so don't want to go to the hospital. All I know right now is that I can't put my shoes back on still. Not a good sign.
Well, after I got back to my car, couldn't find my card. Then, like in the movies, it dawns on me that I may have just thrown it in the garbage. Hurt foot and all, I walk back towards the door and peek into the garbage - there it was - at the bottom. Did I tell you that I'm in a cute white dress with pink flowers on it? Yeah, so now I have to reach to the bottom of a germ-infested garbage can and get my card wearing white and with a hurt foot. Before you think it - yes, I could've asked the environmental services crew to do it for me but I live in the age after women's rights. I've learned that I have to do some things for myself and this is one of those things. But, to be honest with you, I hope to find a man one day that is a gentleman and doesn't allow me to do certain things unless I really want to (and this, well, I didn't really want to do this). So I was able to retrieve the card but had to lean on the can and stand on my tip toes - well, on the tip toes of my right foot as my left foot was up in the air with no weight on it. The only thing that would've made it funnier is if I fell head first into the garbage can with my legs flailing in the air and my dress over my head so you can see my ....... underwear (I'm not telling you what they look like; a man might be reading this). But thank goodness this is real life and not a cartoon - though, sometimes my life does resemble a cartoon.
Now, here I was now walking with a limp, my hands outstretched from my body with the fingers spread so as not to contaminate myself further and my germ-ridden card held between the tips of my forefinger and thumb of my right hand - which is kind of stupid because my hands are already contaminated. What disease is my dirty card going to add to my hands that they already don't have on them? Then another thought occurred to me. Where are my car keys? I look around again. Where are my car keys? Panic starts to invade as I hear a jingling. Oh, yeah - they're in my other hand. Idiot. Anyway, once I'm in the building (it's taken 10 minutes to park my car, find my card and and get back to my desk - it usually takes about 1 minute), I head straight for the bathroom to wash off what I can of the germs. I washed from my elbows to under my fingernails and I disinfected my card. When I got back to my desk, I put a large dab of hand sanitizer on my hands and worked it in to my elbows.
However, it is now lunchtime. Do I dare get up from my desk? Or do I stay glued to it until 5 p.m. and eat sugar cookies, brownies and hershey kisses for lunch - like I did for breakfast this morning? :-) We have a birthday a week here - no joke. There is always food.
By the way, my foot still hurts and my little toe is swollen. But at least today was interesting - I just hope it doesn't get more interesting unless it's in a good way. :-)
And how it happened, well, it's too stupid. I had just finished carrying the unused and extremely heavy aforementioned rental guide boxes back to my desk, when I realized that I had left my card to get back into the building in my car. Having already reached the building door, I had to turn around and walk all the way back to my car which is in the very back of the parking lot. As I turned around, somehow my left foot didn't get the message - or rather it didn't get the whole message and moved errantly - because the next thing I knew I was WALKING on my little toe - FACE DOWN! Yeah, I can't figure it out either; how does that happen? It hurt. A lot. But I've learned that when you hurt yourself like that, you walk it off. Well, it didn't really work this time. I'm sitting with my foot not touching the floor (they really never do because it feels weird to me; I usually have my chair high enough that I can only touch the legs of it, not the floor) and it still hurts an hour later. I really hope I didn't do anything bad to it. I so don't want to go to the hospital. All I know right now is that I can't put my shoes back on still. Not a good sign.
Well, after I got back to my car, couldn't find my card. Then, like in the movies, it dawns on me that I may have just thrown it in the garbage. Hurt foot and all, I walk back towards the door and peek into the garbage - there it was - at the bottom. Did I tell you that I'm in a cute white dress with pink flowers on it? Yeah, so now I have to reach to the bottom of a germ-infested garbage can and get my card wearing white and with a hurt foot. Before you think it - yes, I could've asked the environmental services crew to do it for me but I live in the age after women's rights. I've learned that I have to do some things for myself and this is one of those things. But, to be honest with you, I hope to find a man one day that is a gentleman and doesn't allow me to do certain things unless I really want to (and this, well, I didn't really want to do this). So I was able to retrieve the card but had to lean on the can and stand on my tip toes - well, on the tip toes of my right foot as my left foot was up in the air with no weight on it. The only thing that would've made it funnier is if I fell head first into the garbage can with my legs flailing in the air and my dress over my head so you can see my ....... underwear (I'm not telling you what they look like; a man might be reading this). But thank goodness this is real life and not a cartoon - though, sometimes my life does resemble a cartoon.
Now, here I was now walking with a limp, my hands outstretched from my body with the fingers spread so as not to contaminate myself further and my germ-ridden card held between the tips of my forefinger and thumb of my right hand - which is kind of stupid because my hands are already contaminated. What disease is my dirty card going to add to my hands that they already don't have on them? Then another thought occurred to me. Where are my car keys? I look around again. Where are my car keys? Panic starts to invade as I hear a jingling. Oh, yeah - they're in my other hand. Idiot. Anyway, once I'm in the building (it's taken 10 minutes to park my car, find my card and and get back to my desk - it usually takes about 1 minute), I head straight for the bathroom to wash off what I can of the germs. I washed from my elbows to under my fingernails and I disinfected my card. When I got back to my desk, I put a large dab of hand sanitizer on my hands and worked it in to my elbows.
However, it is now lunchtime. Do I dare get up from my desk? Or do I stay glued to it until 5 p.m. and eat sugar cookies, brownies and hershey kisses for lunch - like I did for breakfast this morning? :-) We have a birthday a week here - no joke. There is always food.
By the way, my foot still hurts and my little toe is swollen. But at least today was interesting - I just hope it doesn't get more interesting unless it's in a good way. :-)
Post 130: Antsy Pants
K - so I've come to a bit of a conclusion...I'm crazy...or at least getting antsy. My friend in CA might have just hit the nail on the head. To her, I seem very uncomfortable where I am and with her knowledge of my tendencies, usually when I get this antsy and uncomfortable in basically every aspect of my life things are changing. I started to think about that and you know what? She's right. Every time I feel this way (like I'm a child with ADHD; actually that's not too far from the truth but that's a whole other story we won't go into right now - another blog, another day), things do change in my life. I am uncomfortable - even to the point that I don't want to be home and am finding ways to be out and about (whether that's helping a friend move or eating or shopping or working out). I've made myself busy because I hate where I am. I really and truly absolutely hate it.
And that's partly why I'm stuck on this guy thing - DUH! He and I are friends - and though I can't look at him when he smiles or be close to him a lot because I feel all weak inside - he is just a friend. He's always been that way and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm focusing on it because it gets me out of my life for a moment. In fact, I've tried to encourage him, cooked for him, baked for him, let him come over early before some events, given him space and prayed for him. I can't do anything else and I shouldn't. Period. It's his turn but if it isn't meant to be, then you know what? That's okay. God has someone even better for me and that's exciting to know. But what God wants, I want. So, if it is meant to be, even for a little while, I'll follow through.
Otherwise, that's it. I'm not pursuing this further on my blog. I'm focusing on my job search, my writing and all the other crazy stuff that happens in my life. Seriously, I am a klutz! The moment I think I've gotten a handle on it, I'll bump my knee, hit my funny bone and stub my toe in a two minute period! Right now, I have a bruise on my ankle, one on my knee, one on my left thigh and smashed my finger between two 30 lb. boxes of rental guides. God must have created me for comic relief - at least partly. I mean, how can you have small feet (5 1/2 narrow) and manage to still trip over them? All I'm saying is that I'm blessed to have a small chest - if I was an ounce larger in that area, I'd fall over!
And that's partly why I'm stuck on this guy thing - DUH! He and I are friends - and though I can't look at him when he smiles or be close to him a lot because I feel all weak inside - he is just a friend. He's always been that way and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm focusing on it because it gets me out of my life for a moment. In fact, I've tried to encourage him, cooked for him, baked for him, let him come over early before some events, given him space and prayed for him. I can't do anything else and I shouldn't. Period. It's his turn but if it isn't meant to be, then you know what? That's okay. God has someone even better for me and that's exciting to know. But what God wants, I want. So, if it is meant to be, even for a little while, I'll follow through.
Otherwise, that's it. I'm not pursuing this further on my blog. I'm focusing on my job search, my writing and all the other crazy stuff that happens in my life. Seriously, I am a klutz! The moment I think I've gotten a handle on it, I'll bump my knee, hit my funny bone and stub my toe in a two minute period! Right now, I have a bruise on my ankle, one on my knee, one on my left thigh and smashed my finger between two 30 lb. boxes of rental guides. God must have created me for comic relief - at least partly. I mean, how can you have small feet (5 1/2 narrow) and manage to still trip over them? All I'm saying is that I'm blessed to have a small chest - if I was an ounce larger in that area, I'd fall over!
7.10.2006
Post 129: Sophmoric, cont.
In reference to my earlier blog today, maybe one of my friends from CA is right. I e-mailed her today and told her about my weekend. She responded with, "Well, I think you should give yourself a time period. If you don't have a job or a man by a certain date, then you should move to San Diego."
Maybe I should do just that. I have wonderful, wonderful friends here. But I long for a life with my own family and a career (or at least a job that can support me). If it isn't happening here (and it's been 10 years as of July 31 that I've lived here), maybe I should pick up and leave.
Not sure why she suggested San Diego (a mutual friend of ours lives there so it would be cool to live close to her) but it could work for me; plus it would be closer to her (a 6 hour drive). Who knows? I'm not closing my mind to anything at this point. I even had three friends talk to me about how they think I'd love New York. I could even end up there. I think it's way big for me but what do I know? I thought I'd be working on my second kid and my second or third novel by now. :-)
And what is it with me wanting to travel so much? I can only hope that the person God has chosen for me to spend the rest of my life with likes to travel because if I have the finances, I'd want to travel. Not all the time but at least once a year and to somewhere we haven't been before. I enjoy seeing new places. And I want to go to Disneyworld. I've never been there; to Disneyland, 100's of times but not DW. A friend of mine went with his brother's family earlier this year. I'm kind of jealous of him. It's one of the things on my list to do in my life and I still haven't done it. I used to want to get married there and do the whole Cinderella carriage thing. But I think I grew out of that. Though, as I get older, I'm kind of leaning toward getting married on a beach somewhere with just the most immediate family members and closest friends (my family is too large to have a big wedding; and I'm not willing to put my parents in financial stress over my wedding - though I've been told by both of them that I shouldn't worry because they'd work to give me the wedding of my dreams, regardless). Still, getting married at a beach would have it's advantages. It would be beautiful, serene, laid-back, we'd eat wonderful seafood and we'd already be at our honeymoon site (it's just a short trip to the hotel room). Hey, I'm 30 - by the time I'm married I will be so ready to be with my husband. Who wants to wait through the wedding day, reception and a flight to your destination - and then you'd probably be too tired and fall asleep? I'd rather already be there and get the party started right away, if you know what I mean. Of course, I have to get out of my "sophmoric" tendencies when it comes to adult romantic relationships but then again, the right person will correct all that. I'm not apologizing for my romantic desires, either. I do think there is someone for everybody. You just might have to go through a few imposters before you find them. Not what I want, but I doubt the two guys I'm interested in now will end up being my husband in the future (not even sure I'll even date either one since they aren't asking yet). I'm just looking to spend time with a man that I like to be around and makes me feel happy (at least for now). :-)
But if I don't find that soon, and I do come from a long line of movers, I just might have to start over elsewhere. :-)
Maybe I should do just that. I have wonderful, wonderful friends here. But I long for a life with my own family and a career (or at least a job that can support me). If it isn't happening here (and it's been 10 years as of July 31 that I've lived here), maybe I should pick up and leave.
Not sure why she suggested San Diego (a mutual friend of ours lives there so it would be cool to live close to her) but it could work for me; plus it would be closer to her (a 6 hour drive). Who knows? I'm not closing my mind to anything at this point. I even had three friends talk to me about how they think I'd love New York. I could even end up there. I think it's way big for me but what do I know? I thought I'd be working on my second kid and my second or third novel by now. :-)
And what is it with me wanting to travel so much? I can only hope that the person God has chosen for me to spend the rest of my life with likes to travel because if I have the finances, I'd want to travel. Not all the time but at least once a year and to somewhere we haven't been before. I enjoy seeing new places. And I want to go to Disneyworld. I've never been there; to Disneyland, 100's of times but not DW. A friend of mine went with his brother's family earlier this year. I'm kind of jealous of him. It's one of the things on my list to do in my life and I still haven't done it. I used to want to get married there and do the whole Cinderella carriage thing. But I think I grew out of that. Though, as I get older, I'm kind of leaning toward getting married on a beach somewhere with just the most immediate family members and closest friends (my family is too large to have a big wedding; and I'm not willing to put my parents in financial stress over my wedding - though I've been told by both of them that I shouldn't worry because they'd work to give me the wedding of my dreams, regardless). Still, getting married at a beach would have it's advantages. It would be beautiful, serene, laid-back, we'd eat wonderful seafood and we'd already be at our honeymoon site (it's just a short trip to the hotel room). Hey, I'm 30 - by the time I'm married I will be so ready to be with my husband. Who wants to wait through the wedding day, reception and a flight to your destination - and then you'd probably be too tired and fall asleep? I'd rather already be there and get the party started right away, if you know what I mean. Of course, I have to get out of my "sophmoric" tendencies when it comes to adult romantic relationships but then again, the right person will correct all that. I'm not apologizing for my romantic desires, either. I do think there is someone for everybody. You just might have to go through a few imposters before you find them. Not what I want, but I doubt the two guys I'm interested in now will end up being my husband in the future (not even sure I'll even date either one since they aren't asking yet). I'm just looking to spend time with a man that I like to be around and makes me feel happy (at least for now). :-)
But if I don't find that soon, and I do come from a long line of movers, I just might have to start over elsewhere. :-)
Post 128: Sophmoric tendencies
I am a child when it comes to dating. I have some little button that gets pressed when I get too close to a guy. It's kind of like that game show "Press Your Luck." I pretty much always land on whammies (boy, that was really a fun show - I loved when they got whammies). I'm seriously confused (or corn-fused is you're more used to the local lingo). I don't want to be attracted to any man that isn't attracted back. And if (that's a big IF) this one particular guy is attracted to me, well, he's going at a snails pace and I've about had it. I had a guy at a wedding this weekend talk to me like an adult and somewhat flirt with me from the moment we met. It was so nice. I didn't really flirt but I was attracted to the man and found myself very interested in what he was saying...and I held my own when we differed. I think he respected me for that. I don't think he'll ask me out but it was nice to have an adult conversation without your age or anything like that getting in the way. Still, I went home still feeling like a child when it comes to the opposite sex but slightly more confident.
I'm so not wanting to play any games. I wish I could just tell this guy that for some reason I'm attracted to him and if he is okay with that then we should go out. If he isn't, then maybe we should not see each other for awhile - at least until I can figure out where these feelings are coming from and why. But this is so not me; and I believe the guys should pursue the women they are interested in. Of course, when they do express interest, we (as women) have to meet them halfway. I can do that but only if he actually expresses interest in a way that is obvious. To his credit, he is a bit older and probably a lot more experienced than me so he could be very gunshy. Still, I've learned by this point in my life that if you don't go after you want, no matter what it costs you, you'll always wonder. I'm going after my writing career; I may fall flat on my face and end up so financially strapped that I have to claim bankrupcy but if I don't try, then I'm a coward. So, I'm doing it. I'm trying to find a way to afford to do it by getting any full-time job with benefits that I can do well enough for a few years while I pursue my goals. Then, if it doesn't work out, at least I'll know and have no regrets - and I'll be further out of debt - so I can pursue the next avenue.
When it comes to dating though, God makes it clear that he should pursue us. So I'm not wavering on that. I kind of want this wedding guy to want to spend more one on one time with me. I wouldn't go on a date, date with him yet but I'd at least meet him for coffee just to chat a bit more. We really didn't talk that much at the wedding alone but we chat enough for me to get to know him better personally. He seems like he'd be a good friend at least. Who knows? There's usually a three day waiting period. If it comes to Thursday and I haven't heard from him, then I know he was just a passing acquaintance. However, I do feel the urge to pray for him. I think he needs to find some peace. He's had a rough time of it, I think, so I want to pray God's peace over him. I think if he can find some peace, he'll be able to get over some of his past pains.
I'm so not wanting to play any games. I wish I could just tell this guy that for some reason I'm attracted to him and if he is okay with that then we should go out. If he isn't, then maybe we should not see each other for awhile - at least until I can figure out where these feelings are coming from and why. But this is so not me; and I believe the guys should pursue the women they are interested in. Of course, when they do express interest, we (as women) have to meet them halfway. I can do that but only if he actually expresses interest in a way that is obvious. To his credit, he is a bit older and probably a lot more experienced than me so he could be very gunshy. Still, I've learned by this point in my life that if you don't go after you want, no matter what it costs you, you'll always wonder. I'm going after my writing career; I may fall flat on my face and end up so financially strapped that I have to claim bankrupcy but if I don't try, then I'm a coward. So, I'm doing it. I'm trying to find a way to afford to do it by getting any full-time job with benefits that I can do well enough for a few years while I pursue my goals. Then, if it doesn't work out, at least I'll know and have no regrets - and I'll be further out of debt - so I can pursue the next avenue.
When it comes to dating though, God makes it clear that he should pursue us. So I'm not wavering on that. I kind of want this wedding guy to want to spend more one on one time with me. I wouldn't go on a date, date with him yet but I'd at least meet him for coffee just to chat a bit more. We really didn't talk that much at the wedding alone but we chat enough for me to get to know him better personally. He seems like he'd be a good friend at least. Who knows? There's usually a three day waiting period. If it comes to Thursday and I haven't heard from him, then I know he was just a passing acquaintance. However, I do feel the urge to pray for him. I think he needs to find some peace. He's had a rough time of it, I think, so I want to pray God's peace over him. I think if he can find some peace, he'll be able to get over some of his past pains.
7.06.2006
Post 127: Things are developing quickly, I hope
Okay, two things: I found out a little more about myself and I got two surprising phone calls. First, I came home to a message on my answering machine about a job opportunity. In the last 18 hours, I've talked to the staffing company twice and the person at the actual company once. I know that I'm definitely getting an interview. That's a plus. And it's here in Bloomington, has great benefits and is a company that she said had a lot of Christian employees/values. I didn't even ask her that. She just started rolling off facts and added that to it. Very good sign.
The second call coincides with me finding out a little more about myself. When I'm alone with a guy I like and I know he doesn't feel the same, I get very nervous, tongue-tied and find myself getting really fidgety - it has always been this way but until now, I thought it was a phase. It is not, apparently. Case in point: last night people came over to watch the space shuttle and space station pass overhead (it was really, really cool) but one person in particular (who has never called my home number, I might add) called to come over early and play cards. I didn't think anything of it since another friend was going to be there at the same time - I thought I was safe. I found myself, however, alone with this person for 20 minutes; my other friend was late. That was a good thing, right? Wrong. I was so uncomfortable. And it wasn't because of him; it was because of me not wanting to be alone with him for fear I'd let on something that he doesn't need to know. The last thing I want to do is make him feel weird around me. And I'm thanking God right now that he doesn't read this blog. I so don't need him knowing any of this until I have successfully moved on - if there is anything to move on from in the first place. I feel like I'm still in high school. It's really kind of annoying. Why can't I finally grow up in this area?
The other thing I learned about myself is that maybe, even though I have the desire to have a family one day, that I may have a long way to go since I can't seem to attract the right guys yet. I'm attracted to the right type of guys, just not the right one. That is further frustrating me.
So I'm very thankful for the interview coming up - it will keep my mind off things in my life that I seem to have no control over (feelings) and focus on things that will help me become financially stable (getting out of debt, finding a good job with benefits so I can keep writing on the side).
With one good thing, usually there's something that comes to complicate it. Maybe this is it. I can handle this...I can, really. I'm not a complete idiot but sometimes...I kind of wonder. :-)
The second call coincides with me finding out a little more about myself. When I'm alone with a guy I like and I know he doesn't feel the same, I get very nervous, tongue-tied and find myself getting really fidgety - it has always been this way but until now, I thought it was a phase. It is not, apparently. Case in point: last night people came over to watch the space shuttle and space station pass overhead (it was really, really cool) but one person in particular (who has never called my home number, I might add) called to come over early and play cards. I didn't think anything of it since another friend was going to be there at the same time - I thought I was safe. I found myself, however, alone with this person for 20 minutes; my other friend was late. That was a good thing, right? Wrong. I was so uncomfortable. And it wasn't because of him; it was because of me not wanting to be alone with him for fear I'd let on something that he doesn't need to know. The last thing I want to do is make him feel weird around me. And I'm thanking God right now that he doesn't read this blog. I so don't need him knowing any of this until I have successfully moved on - if there is anything to move on from in the first place. I feel like I'm still in high school. It's really kind of annoying. Why can't I finally grow up in this area?
The other thing I learned about myself is that maybe, even though I have the desire to have a family one day, that I may have a long way to go since I can't seem to attract the right guys yet. I'm attracted to the right type of guys, just not the right one. That is further frustrating me.
So I'm very thankful for the interview coming up - it will keep my mind off things in my life that I seem to have no control over (feelings) and focus on things that will help me become financially stable (getting out of debt, finding a good job with benefits so I can keep writing on the side).
With one good thing, usually there's something that comes to complicate it. Maybe this is it. I can handle this...I can, really. I'm not a complete idiot but sometimes...I kind of wonder. :-)
7.05.2006
Post 126: The aftermath..
K - so nothing bad happened but I just liked that title. It refers to the five-day marathon I had in preparing for a baby shower and my 4th of July cookout. And, I'm happy to report that everyone had a good time and that I'm, well, exhausted. I so enjoy throwing parties and having friends over but the day after the big event all I want to do is sleep - not go to work. My body is literally sore - which doesn't really make sense but that's exactly how it feels. I've been debating all day if I should go to the gym or not after work. I thought I'd decided firmly that I should just go home and rest. But now I'm wavering on that decision. I know that I'm tired but I'll feel a little better if I at least swim my laps. As soon as I do that, though, I know I'll want to do my weights - but then I'll be in the area where a certain person works out and I don't want to be there. It's not that I don't want to be around him - it's that I DO want to be around him. However, he doesn't feel the same about me so the more I avoid him or only have contact with him in group settings, the easier it will be for me to completely let go of any idea we'll ever go on a date. Plus, after the last few times of hanging out with him, he's way to reserved for me to even date. I just wish the guy wasn't so darn good-looking. Seriously, my whole life and many of my stories describe my perfect guy to look exactly like him. I am not joking. I described him before I knew him. It's so frustrating that he kind of really exists because he's so not interested and I'm coming to see so not right for me even though we have similar interests (actually, quite a few similar interests). In conclusion, I'm still wavering if I should go to the gym or not for fear I'd have to see him there.
Why is it that sometimes we have to live our lifes to avoid people? It's kind of sad. I mean, me going to gym in the mornings is not solely so that I avoid him in the afternoons - but it is definitely one of the major reasons why I do. I also try not to e-mail him directly, have deleted his phone number the few times he's called my cell phone (very few), have never asked specifically where he lived (I asked the area once or twice but that's it) and I try not to make eye contact with him for long periods - ever. His eyes are too amazing. I've even tried not to get personal in conversations with him. Still, he affects me - and that is driving me nuts! I still get these little feelings in my stomach and my knees get a little weak when I walk by him, sit next to him or stand by him. Ugh! Why am I allowing myself to be affected by somebody that God doesn't want me to be with? Why can't I just think of him as a friend? What is it that is hindering me? Is it me? Or is there a reason? Is there something that God wants me to help him with but it just isn't the right time so He's making me hang on until it's time? Or do I just have a serious crush and it won't go away until some other guy walks into my life? Too many questions need answers!
I told one of my friend's in an e-mail today that the whole situation had run it's course. But it's now a few hours later and I still talk about him - so I guess it hasn't yet run it's course but maybe it's getting closer. He has to have the reddest ears in the world - seriously. Maybe he'll read this one day and realize it's him I'm talking about - proceed to get mad at me that I talked about him on my blog site - then refuse to be friends. That would be an answer to my problem - not the best solution or one that I'd like to happen but it would settle the whole situation once and for all. If we weren't even friends, I can forget he ever existed and then I would forget that the guy that has the looks I've always wanted would still be a mystery. 'Cause let me tell ya - it sucks this way. I'd rather go back to my daydreams than have some sort of feelings for a guy that is so clueless in many ways - but still has the looks, smile and interests that I desire.
I may be a drama queen sometimes but, as you can tell, my life can be a drama. Not a very good one but one, nonetheless. I just can't help it. :-)
Why is it that sometimes we have to live our lifes to avoid people? It's kind of sad. I mean, me going to gym in the mornings is not solely so that I avoid him in the afternoons - but it is definitely one of the major reasons why I do. I also try not to e-mail him directly, have deleted his phone number the few times he's called my cell phone (very few), have never asked specifically where he lived (I asked the area once or twice but that's it) and I try not to make eye contact with him for long periods - ever. His eyes are too amazing. I've even tried not to get personal in conversations with him. Still, he affects me - and that is driving me nuts! I still get these little feelings in my stomach and my knees get a little weak when I walk by him, sit next to him or stand by him. Ugh! Why am I allowing myself to be affected by somebody that God doesn't want me to be with? Why can't I just think of him as a friend? What is it that is hindering me? Is it me? Or is there a reason? Is there something that God wants me to help him with but it just isn't the right time so He's making me hang on until it's time? Or do I just have a serious crush and it won't go away until some other guy walks into my life? Too many questions need answers!
I told one of my friend's in an e-mail today that the whole situation had run it's course. But it's now a few hours later and I still talk about him - so I guess it hasn't yet run it's course but maybe it's getting closer. He has to have the reddest ears in the world - seriously. Maybe he'll read this one day and realize it's him I'm talking about - proceed to get mad at me that I talked about him on my blog site - then refuse to be friends. That would be an answer to my problem - not the best solution or one that I'd like to happen but it would settle the whole situation once and for all. If we weren't even friends, I can forget he ever existed and then I would forget that the guy that has the looks I've always wanted would still be a mystery. 'Cause let me tell ya - it sucks this way. I'd rather go back to my daydreams than have some sort of feelings for a guy that is so clueless in many ways - but still has the looks, smile and interests that I desire.
I may be a drama queen sometimes but, as you can tell, my life can be a drama. Not a very good one but one, nonetheless. I just can't help it. :-)
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