Post 126: The aftermath..

K - so nothing bad happened but I just liked that title. It refers to the five-day marathon I had in preparing for a baby shower and my 4th of July cookout. And, I'm happy to report that everyone had a good time and that I'm, well, exhausted. I so enjoy throwing parties and having friends over but the day after the big event all I want to do is sleep - not go to work. My body is literally sore - which doesn't really make sense but that's exactly how it feels. I've been debating all day if I should go to the gym or not after work. I thought I'd decided firmly that I should just go home and rest. But now I'm wavering on that decision. I know that I'm tired but I'll feel a little better if I at least swim my laps. As soon as I do that, though, I know I'll want to do my weights - but then I'll be in the area where a certain person works out and I don't want to be there. It's not that I don't want to be around him - it's that I DO want to be around him. However, he doesn't feel the same about me so the more I avoid him or only have contact with him in group settings, the easier it will be for me to completely let go of any idea we'll ever go on a date. Plus, after the last few times of hanging out with him, he's way to reserved for me to even date. I just wish the guy wasn't so darn good-looking. Seriously, my whole life and many of my stories describe my perfect guy to look exactly like him. I am not joking. I described him before I knew him. It's so frustrating that he kind of really exists because he's so not interested and I'm coming to see so not right for me even though we have similar interests (actually, quite a few similar interests). In conclusion, I'm still wavering if I should go to the gym or not for fear I'd have to see him there.

Why is it that sometimes we have to live our lifes to avoid people? It's kind of sad. I mean, me going to gym in the mornings is not solely so that I avoid him in the afternoons - but it is definitely one of the major reasons why I do. I also try not to e-mail him directly, have deleted his phone number the few times he's called my cell phone (very few), have never asked specifically where he lived (I asked the area once or twice but that's it) and I try not to make eye contact with him for long periods - ever. His eyes are too amazing. I've even tried not to get personal in conversations with him. Still, he affects me - and that is driving me nuts! I still get these little feelings in my stomach and my knees get a little weak when I walk by him, sit next to him or stand by him. Ugh! Why am I allowing myself to be affected by somebody that God doesn't want me to be with? Why can't I just think of him as a friend? What is it that is hindering me? Is it me? Or is there a reason? Is there something that God wants me to help him with but it just isn't the right time so He's making me hang on until it's time? Or do I just have a serious crush and it won't go away until some other guy walks into my life? Too many questions need answers!

I told one of my friend's in an e-mail today that the whole situation had run it's course. But it's now a few hours later and I still talk about him - so I guess it hasn't yet run it's course but maybe it's getting closer. He has to have the reddest ears in the world - seriously. Maybe he'll read this one day and realize it's him I'm talking about - proceed to get mad at me that I talked about him on my blog site - then refuse to be friends. That would be an answer to my problem - not the best solution or one that I'd like to happen but it would settle the whole situation once and for all. If we weren't even friends, I can forget he ever existed and then I would forget that the guy that has the looks I've always wanted would still be a mystery. 'Cause let me tell ya - it sucks this way. I'd rather go back to my daydreams than have some sort of feelings for a guy that is so clueless in many ways - but still has the looks, smile and interests that I desire.

I may be a drama queen sometimes but, as you can tell, my life can be a drama. Not a very good one but one, nonetheless. I just can't help it. :-)