Post 135: Sunbathing bliss

Yes, I like to sunbathe. I haven't done it in awhile but I do miss it. To be honest, I was never one of those serious sunbathers - you know, the ones that have the leather-like skin. But I liked to do it when I had the chance and it wasn't too hot (and as long as there was a clean pool nearby or the ocean). Yesterday, a friend of mine and I ended up at the local lake retreat and sunbathed poolside. It was the first time I've worn a two-piece in public; it's the only bathing suit I have right now that is decent so I had no choice. So, though I was highly self-conscious to begin with, my friend made it easy for me to relax uncovered so. By the time we left three hours later, I actually had more confidence.

You know, my confidence is increasing exponentially everyday. I still have my moments of self-estee and depression problems, but I'm surprisingly getting over them quickly. I can attribute this change in me to two things: sending off my first story and my new friend. She has confidence to spare - and I don't mean that in a bad way. She is open and honest and real, so real, with you (the only other person I have known like her is my best friend in CA - she also tells it like it is). My new friend also accepts herself as someone who has made mistakes but moves on and learns from them. She also is developing this amazing heart for the Lord that is so inspiring to me. We are so different in many ways but alike in the ways that matter; we are definitely rubbing off on each other in good ways. She won't let me off the hook either. She tells me when I'm being stupid and that I should take pride in myself. She is completely convinced that I'm supposed to be a writer - she's the only one who is (I have trouble every once in a while believing it myself) - and she's not allowing me to give up. She's encouraging me to try and to not squander what God gave me. Even if I never become this famous writer, I know that I need to follow through in this gift to figure out how God wants me to use it - even if it's just to write to Him.

Sending off my first story a few months ago was like cutting off my arm - it was painful and all the blood I lost made me nausious. That's kind of a gross description but that's literally how I felt. For some reason, my stories - my words - are so important to me. You know how some people are very reserved and introverted and hate it when their solitude is interrupted even in the slightest way? That's how I am with my writing - I'm so protective of it. It's so important to me that I actually fooled myself into not doing it because it could be ruined. How in the world did I ever get there? It doesn't make sense - I know that now. So at least two days this week, I am meeting with her so she can study and I can write. We are keeping each other accountable - and you know what? That's really what I've needed all these years - an accountability partner who will be supportive while telling me when I'm being stupid.

Maybe to most of you reading this lying in public in a two-piece bathing suit isn't a confidence booster but when you've been a person who's struggled with self-esteem her whole life, to get to this point is so encouraging and life-affirming. I'd still feel better when my body is tighter but it's tight enough for me to start feeling comfortable in my own skin. I know that that sounds vain or too self-involved but I can't help you thinking that. What I know is that I've always had a problem with myself and though I know God accepts me just the way I am, I have trouble accepting that. We all have trouble accepting part of ourselves and struggle with issues that God has already cleared us of - loving us regardless. But there are ways He gives us to see ourselves differently - better. For me, I find solace in being, feeling and looking healthy. I still eat fries and break and stuff but I know when to enjoy them and when to not. And looking good, helps me to feel good and helps me to be more confident so I believe in myself - God may not have to work at believing in me but I do. We all want to understand why He just gives us grace and is merciful when we so aren't worth it. I feel worth it now - so watch out, I'm coming out!

I don't really like the single life but my friend has also reminded me that I am at a very great point in my life right now even though I don't know how I'm going to pay my bills next week. I am at a transition that is going to be a good one. I have freedom to choose but more so, the freedom to follow God. I don't have anyone tying me down. If God wants me to go somewhere, I can up and go. If I were involved, I couldn't. And, on the other hand, I have nothing holding me down so if I were to get involved now and it become serious, I could leave with him - no ties. So, either way, I'm in a good place. I know what I want, what I have to do and have the good uncertainty that I can do anything and go anywhere at a moments notice. I love to travel - so maybe I'll be able to do that sooner than later. As a writer, I can come up with endless possibilities - I can end up in New York meeting with editors to publish my book; I can end up taking a vacation with my parents, writing a travel article, getting published and being hired as a travel magazine writer; I could meet someone on a plane, love at first site, and be married in the next two years, starting a family and my writing career then; I could find myself working for an NFL, NBA or MLB team in the front office, find myself in the right place at the right time and end up being on-air talent on ESPN (so this is a long shot but it would be cool). There are so many things that can happen. And maybe God is preparing me for one of these great next steps.

What I have to do is keep Him my Center and follow through on what I know now. He'll correct me when He needs to and alter my path at the right time. I have confidence now - or is it that my faith is returning but this time, it's stronger? I don't know that yet but I will in due time.

Isn't it just a beautiful day - that's not a question, it's a statement. :-)