Post 139: Turned to Jello

Yep, that's what I feel like now. When I think about a particular guy, my insides turn to jello. This man just makes me come unglued that I can't concentrate...and I still don't know how to tell him. I talked to my mom about it last night and she was happy that I could have feelings like this - not happy that I wasn't doing anything about it but still happy for me. But he's a friend, I told her. I can't ask out a guy friend of mine that I have no clue if he's attracted to me. But he did flip my little ponytail last night. My friend thinks that he was flirting. I just don't know; I don't know how to read guys - really and truly I don't. Plus I don't know if he would even consider going out with a woman younger than him by several years. On my end, I know I need a man older than me to balance me out. Plus, he's also kind of private and I am so not. They say opposites attract but I'm not sure they attract in that way. All I know is that just by him touching my hair yesterday I almost went totally numb. I couldn't even talk to him much after that and tried not to look at him much because I was sure I'd broadcast too much. I am so at a loss what to do! Do I keep praying that God will just intervene in some way? Do I pray for these feelings to go away because they're wrong? Do I pray for something to happen? That's all I can do right now is pray. I'm too wrapped up inside to do anything else.

Maybe there is just something deep in me that is hindering my ability to do anything more; like a sense that maybe I don't deserve him. Maybe I don't deserve to be with any man right now. I haven't exactly succeeded in life - well, not monetarily. I'm not high maintenance in that way. Of course, I like nice things - who doesn't? But I don't expect a guy I'm dating to spend a lot of money on me. Yes, he should pay for our first few dates but after that we should be able to help each other. Of course, all women want our guys to treat us well all the time but in today's world that just doesn't seem to be possible. He starts thinking we're gold diggers if we ask to be treated nice (meaning pay every once in a while). And I'm not in a position to go dutch treat right now....

Okay, I just had the best compliment. Maybe I should start listening to people who say this to me...an older gentleman that I didn't even know came into work and started to walk around like he owned the place. I'd never seen him before though he kinda looked like our courier from Bedford. He was walking past my desk to leave when he stopped, turned to me and said, "I bet you haven't heard today what I'm going to say to you right now."
I said, "Uh, I don't know."
Then he said, "You look very, very lovely. No one's said that to you today, have they?"
"No," I said.
"See, there you go. You really are a lovely woman. Married, too, huh?"
Of course, I said, "Not yet."
"Oh, but you have a sweetie, right?" he asked.
"No," I said.
He said, "No sweetie?! You should be beating them off with a stick! What's wrong with the men these days?" I just kept laughing and smiling, basically being very very shy and embarrassed.
He said, "Well, next time I come back, you'll have one." Then he smiled and turned to leave. I hope he's right. He turned out to be the fathe of one of my co-workers. She's a character...now I know who she gets it from. :-)

You know, he's right. I should be beating them off with a stick - and maybe I'm too busy beating off the wrong ones that I can't see the right ones. I'm hoping this guy that turns me inside out is one of the right ones. All I know is that I have what I'm hoping is a healthy attraction to a man that is a good man. But I don't really know him deeply; but I know enough to be attracted. And it helps that he's also very, very attractive on the outside. That's always a plus. :-)

I guess I have to forget all my misgivings about myself and let things happen. Truthfully, I am trying to get out of my position and into a better one - it's taking FOREVER though! And I'm learning discipline and a lot about myself - good and bad. That's all we really can do, right? Better ourselves when we can and let life happen. Maybe I need to let life happen. I just sometimes wish it was simpler. But you do, too, right? So I'm just like everyone else. That's comforting to realize.

It's also comforting to know that God created us all unique. And that there's someone out there that likes (loves) us for just who we are right now. That's all I really want: for someone to like me for me because heaven knows, nobody else is perfect, either. I have to accept him for him, too. And let me tell you, I could so accept this man who likes making me into jello. Yummy. :-)