...STOP BEING A DRAMA QUEEN!
Seriously, I feel like that's all I've been lately. Yesterday was not a good day at work. Not a good day. It wasn't an "I'm getting fired" kind of day but it was pretty darn close. At least, I would've fired me. I can't believe I forgot to do those things. Luckily, everyone has the same deadlines so it's like a good system of checks and balances (like our gov't is supposed to be). I just hate to be the one in the system that got checked on and pointed a finger at, though - and here I'm trying to find a full-time job that uses my skills of multi-tasking, administration and editorial talent. I kind of feel like I don't deserve it but my friends have assured me that they've been through those kind of days, too. I just nitpick sometimes and lately, with my tendencies toward the Drama Queen lifestyle, it was just too much to handle without going a little berserk.
I stayed home, relaxed and watched the NBA draft. Yes, I'm a girl but I like sports. I only watched the first round. It was kind of exciting - as drafts go. And it's so much quicker than the NFL draft - that one takes FOREVER! I really enjoy all the anchors at ESPN. They keep things interesting and love 'em or hate 'em - it's fun to analyze them. I mean, I so don't agree with some of thier advice - no matter how much they work around it and should know a lot - but it's fun to see the differing opinions. I LOVE STEPHEN A.! God bless the man who hired him! Brilliant move. I like Stuart Scott, Dan Patrick and the rest of them but SA keeps it real. He is one of a kind. His show is my favorite (after SportsCenter, of course).
Anyway, I am calm now. I also got back to the gym. My hormones were off and so was my metabolism. I'm sure they both had something to do with my reaction yesterday but I still could've handled it better. All I have to remember is to...
...STOP BEING A DRAMA QUEEN!
6.29.2006
6.28.2006
Good to know...
"...For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything."
1 John 3:20
Need I say more? Another 2x4 on my head. :-)
1 John 3:20
Need I say more? Another 2x4 on my head. :-)
6.27.2006
Post 123: Couldn't put it down...
...the book, I mean. It was great. I read the whole thing yesterday. All I did last night when I got home from work was to change clothes and lie on my bed, reading that book. I finished it at midnight. It was so great! But what's more is that it made me think about who I am and what I want as opposed to what God wants and who God wants me to be. The main character goes through the same emotions as me and really, she is me. Except, of course, I don't have the career, men falling at my feet and an indespensible bank account - but in every other way, she's me or I'm her. She doesn't have it figured out yet either but she knows that she's been cheating herself when it comes to God. I have so been cheating myself. I feel like a total hypocrite - completely and utterly a hypocrite. I have to be so honest here. I don't read my Bible everyday like I should. Yes, I pray non-stop and I know that's a good thing and it's important. But I seem to rely on the same verses and the same things. I'm not progressing; I'm not growing like I should. God is the center of my life - or is he? Am I fooling myself there, too? I mean, yes, I am A Christian and I have morals and values that I stick to regardless of what the people around me say or do - believe me, I've earned the white dress I will be wearing on my wedding day (and it will be bright white, not cream or ivory, but good 'ol plain white - well, it might have some sequins or embroidery but it will be all white). I am comfortable enough to say on this blog that I've never even kissed a guy yet. Yes, it's true. I know that some people may think that I should keep those kinds of details to myself but I'm proud of it. I think more people should be proud of things like this - they're more important and more worthy to be proud of than anything else. I don't think the first guy I kiss is going to be the only guy I kiss (my soulmate - it would be great but not realistic) but he is going to be a good guy and one that I trust at least. I haven't trusted most guys I've dated. The first man I trust will be the first man I kiss. So - yes, I will have earned that white dress.
But the above is not the only way I should be pursuing God's will. He gave me a gift to write. Actually, what I'm doing right now is a gift. I can be open and honest and real with people on the world wide web. Though I may not know the person reading this, I'm okay for them to read it - bad stuff and all. I know guys are scared of me becuase of this. I may be too open for them. But there are lots of things that only my closest friends know; and there will be things that only my soulmate will ever know (not my friends, not my parents, not my family). He will know me inside and out because he will be the one God brings to me (and vise versa - God brings me to him). So though I'm open and it's a gift, it's not all of me but it gives a good sense of me. A good enough sense that I know that I help people with what I say and what I write sometimes - it's just hard for me to acept that God uses me when I'm really such a wretched person.
I know that I have squandered my gift of writing a bit. It's my fault. I let other people determine my worth and what's worse, I didn't believe in myself even when God was clearly communicating to me how much I really am worth it to Him for Him to have died for me. But the writing business is hard and I've just started to pursue it. I am definitely going to learn perseverence by the time I succeed in it. I know I will succeed. I don't know in what way but I know I will succeed. I have belief in myself and I've done things to remind myself that I'm okay as a person just as I am. Not that I shouldn't grow and improve - I need to as we all do - but I have start from a good place. Now that I'm starting from a good place, I can move on. That was step one...step two is finding discipline when it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnell....which is what this whole "looking for a full-time job with benefits" thing is right now. I see no end in sight and the bank account is not looking good. Oh well. If it doesn't kill us, it makes us stronger. I'm looking forward to the strength. I need it. :-)
But I need to remember that the only strength worth having comes from only one source: God. His strength is all I need. Note to self: Don't be stupid - let Him do it. He knows what to do better than I do. :-)
But the above is not the only way I should be pursuing God's will. He gave me a gift to write. Actually, what I'm doing right now is a gift. I can be open and honest and real with people on the world wide web. Though I may not know the person reading this, I'm okay for them to read it - bad stuff and all. I know guys are scared of me becuase of this. I may be too open for them. But there are lots of things that only my closest friends know; and there will be things that only my soulmate will ever know (not my friends, not my parents, not my family). He will know me inside and out because he will be the one God brings to me (and vise versa - God brings me to him). So though I'm open and it's a gift, it's not all of me but it gives a good sense of me. A good enough sense that I know that I help people with what I say and what I write sometimes - it's just hard for me to acept that God uses me when I'm really such a wretched person.
I know that I have squandered my gift of writing a bit. It's my fault. I let other people determine my worth and what's worse, I didn't believe in myself even when God was clearly communicating to me how much I really am worth it to Him for Him to have died for me. But the writing business is hard and I've just started to pursue it. I am definitely going to learn perseverence by the time I succeed in it. I know I will succeed. I don't know in what way but I know I will succeed. I have belief in myself and I've done things to remind myself that I'm okay as a person just as I am. Not that I shouldn't grow and improve - I need to as we all do - but I have start from a good place. Now that I'm starting from a good place, I can move on. That was step one...step two is finding discipline when it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnell....which is what this whole "looking for a full-time job with benefits" thing is right now. I see no end in sight and the bank account is not looking good. Oh well. If it doesn't kill us, it makes us stronger. I'm looking forward to the strength. I need it. :-)
But I need to remember that the only strength worth having comes from only one source: God. His strength is all I need. Note to self: Don't be stupid - let Him do it. He knows what to do better than I do. :-)
6.26.2006
Post 122: She's Out of Control...
...actually, I'm out of control. Well, I'm not so much out of control as I find myself too much like a character in a book I just started reading today. Oh, how this Kristin Billerbeck knows the Christian woman's mind and character! She knows me! And she knows that guys don't understand us...me. :-)
Why is it so hard nowadays? Isn't it supposed to be easy? If it's supposed to be easy, then why isn't? I feel like I need to yell and scream at the top of my lungs but if I do that, I know things will only get worse.
I've just had so many conversations lately with Christian men, Christian women and non-believers about men vs. woman, that I just want to scream! Why is it that when I've finally made the decision to let go of all this stuff that it immediately rears it's ugly head right back into my life? I'm actually trying to let go of this stuff - but it isn't letting go of me. I feel so much like Ashley that I can't even laugh about it. I just want to find a good job, pay off my bills and start a family. Is that so much to ask? Can't things just work out for once? I'm so frustrated that I feel like a broken record.
I don't want to even be thinking about these things and I've tried desperately not to (no matter how much I've written on this blog). I'm starting to get the feeling that I can never not talk about this subject. It may be physically, mentally, socially and emotionally impossible for me to stop thinking about this subject until I have my first boyfriend. But I so just want to not worry about it anymore.
Please pray for me - seriously. I need to stop being around these types of conversations. It's driving me crazy! It keeps reminding me of where I've never been but where I want to be one day. I have too much right now to think about without this clouding my mind. I need it to go or to be resolved somehow.
Lord - Help!
Why is it so hard nowadays? Isn't it supposed to be easy? If it's supposed to be easy, then why isn't? I feel like I need to yell and scream at the top of my lungs but if I do that, I know things will only get worse.
I've just had so many conversations lately with Christian men, Christian women and non-believers about men vs. woman, that I just want to scream! Why is it that when I've finally made the decision to let go of all this stuff that it immediately rears it's ugly head right back into my life? I'm actually trying to let go of this stuff - but it isn't letting go of me. I feel so much like Ashley that I can't even laugh about it. I just want to find a good job, pay off my bills and start a family. Is that so much to ask? Can't things just work out for once? I'm so frustrated that I feel like a broken record.
I don't want to even be thinking about these things and I've tried desperately not to (no matter how much I've written on this blog). I'm starting to get the feeling that I can never not talk about this subject. It may be physically, mentally, socially and emotionally impossible for me to stop thinking about this subject until I have my first boyfriend. But I so just want to not worry about it anymore.
Please pray for me - seriously. I need to stop being around these types of conversations. It's driving me crazy! It keeps reminding me of where I've never been but where I want to be one day. I have too much right now to think about without this clouding my mind. I need it to go or to be resolved somehow.
Lord - Help!
6.22.2006
Post 121: Something exciting needs to happen...soon
Seriously, I am ready for something exciting to happen to me...good exciting. And not just something for today. It really needs to be something for my entire life. It's not that I don't appreciate the little things that sometimes come daily; they're nice, too. But I think it's about time that something went right for me. I'm sorry; I just don't want to be the friend anymore that is constantly looking for a job, a date, a career, a way to feel important. I want for something to finally happen. No more cancer in my family; no more submerging into debt; no more getting depressed because everyone thinks I'm great but I can't seem to get them to give me a job that will utilize my many skills.
Dang it - if I'm supposed to be a writer and feel so strongly about it, why can't I finally be one! Sometimes I feel like I'm writing for absolutely nothing! And then at the times that I'm most inspired, my stupid computer decides to break down and 'gasp' stops the keyboard from actually typing! Then I get so frustrated trying to fix it that I forget the brilliant idea I had in the first place - so I'm not even able to handwrite it. Ugh! I'm so frustrated that I'm almost making myself ill. Ugh!
The only thing that is good that is happening now is that I've been to the gym every morning this week and did my full exercise routine and actually gotten to work early or on time. I'm usually able to make myself feel better and find patience. But I'm losing my ability to do that - even with friends reminding me that I'm a good person and will find the right things at the right time. I know that they are right but can I be upset and annoyed for once in my life?! I try so hard to just let things go (and sometimes so much so that it isn't good for my sanity) but I'm just at a point in my life that I want things to go better. Have I actually seen the good in my life pass me by? Am I never ever going to get to a place where I can stand on my own or at least stand somewhat equal with my future mate in anything: spiritually, financially, emotionally, physically?
I don't know. I don't know a lot right now but I do know that I have to cling to things that make me happy - like Poker nights, 4th of July parties, going to the movies and generally hanging out with all the friends of mine that I completely trust and accept me for who I am (even if right now I'm so lost, confused and frustrated that I don't even like being around me).
Oh, yeah - and I even forgot to go to Bible study Tuesday. Yeah, it totally slipped my mind - though I got an e-mail and responded to it and everything. I just forgot. Things so need to change for the better soon. That's hard to see since we even have bad storms in our forcast for today. I really don't want it to storm today but I can't control the weather so I'll have to deal with it the best I can.
Dang it - if I'm supposed to be a writer and feel so strongly about it, why can't I finally be one! Sometimes I feel like I'm writing for absolutely nothing! And then at the times that I'm most inspired, my stupid computer decides to break down and 'gasp' stops the keyboard from actually typing! Then I get so frustrated trying to fix it that I forget the brilliant idea I had in the first place - so I'm not even able to handwrite it. Ugh! I'm so frustrated that I'm almost making myself ill. Ugh!
The only thing that is good that is happening now is that I've been to the gym every morning this week and did my full exercise routine and actually gotten to work early or on time. I'm usually able to make myself feel better and find patience. But I'm losing my ability to do that - even with friends reminding me that I'm a good person and will find the right things at the right time. I know that they are right but can I be upset and annoyed for once in my life?! I try so hard to just let things go (and sometimes so much so that it isn't good for my sanity) but I'm just at a point in my life that I want things to go better. Have I actually seen the good in my life pass me by? Am I never ever going to get to a place where I can stand on my own or at least stand somewhat equal with my future mate in anything: spiritually, financially, emotionally, physically?
I don't know. I don't know a lot right now but I do know that I have to cling to things that make me happy - like Poker nights, 4th of July parties, going to the movies and generally hanging out with all the friends of mine that I completely trust and accept me for who I am (even if right now I'm so lost, confused and frustrated that I don't even like being around me).
Oh, yeah - and I even forgot to go to Bible study Tuesday. Yeah, it totally slipped my mind - though I got an e-mail and responded to it and everything. I just forgot. Things so need to change for the better soon. That's hard to see since we even have bad storms in our forcast for today. I really don't want it to storm today but I can't control the weather so I'll have to deal with it the best I can.
6.15.2006
Post 120: Sensosketch
Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly playing the game Cranium but all the cards I get are sensosketches. If you are not familiar with the game, a sensosketch card is one that tells you that it is required by one of your teammates to draw the item with their eyes closed and your teammates have to guess what it is - in 60 seconds. You know what you're supposed to draw but you don't know what you're actually drawing because you can't see what you're doing.
Sensosketch is like a metaphor for my life: I know what I want/desire but I just can't seem to get there. In a sense, I'm totally blind to either what I'm doing, how to do it or what to do next.
Take, for example, my dating life. We all know that there is a gentleman that I like. I've prayed about it (to make me not desire him in anyway but if it's in God's will for us to date, to make it very clear to me - I need a lot of visuals). I have expected the former to happen - that God would help me to not like him - but lately there have been answers to the contrary. In fact, I became confident that something would happen; and then there was a situation where I thought it did. However, as soon as I adjust to the possibility that something might actually be going right in my life, some unknown force dives down and takes the wind right out of me - leaving me either back where I started with him or further away. Well, this is indeed what happened.
So besides the suckiness of still not finding a job that would help me financially and satisfy me enough to work hard, I'm still stuck in the suckiness of still not having a dating life.
But I know something exciting will happen to me soon. I just have to be patient. That's harder said than done. But I have a lot of practice in having to be patient in all these things - I mean, I'm 30 with still no career and still no prospect for a dating life (let alone family). And no matter how many times a particular guy friend of mine tries to encourage me that I can adopt or be artificially inseminated when the subject matter comes up on conversation, it's not the ideal. He just doesn't get it. He is not a woman who is desperately trying serve God's will but is unsure because what He keeps telling He wants for her is continually out of her grasp. My friend may have given up or have chosen to not get married or have a family but I can't. I won't Besides, I'm only 30; he's almost 40. It's not that it can't happen for him now but it's very unlikely that it will with his attitude. He is the guy; and God says to us women that He will send us a guy to pursue us. My friend has to pursue who he is attracted to; if it doesn't work out, it doesn't. He moves on (and believe me, he would have no problem getting women if he wanted; he is attractive, athletic and has a good heart. In fact, if I ever thought he'd be interested in me, I would change my thoughts about us just being friends - but that is highly unlikely). Then again I've never had this conversation with him so I don't know if there's a valid reason why he isn't married or doesn't want to be attached to a woman in some way. So, really, I have no reason to judge him. But I have valid reasons: I'm not being pursued by anyone that I'm also attracted to. I even try to force myself to be attracted to some that have but it doesn't work. I'm just not interested. I may be getting frustrated and impatient but I haven't lost all hope yet. Either he has or maybe has never had that desire. :-)
You know what? Sometimes it takes me writing on this blog to feel better about myself or right a wrong day. Because now that I think about it, my friend's life inspires me to handle my own better. Maybe for him being single is great but it isn't for me. I am going to be a great wife and mother. I can compromise well when I know I'm wrong and have not let other people take advantage of me as much as I've let them in the past. Though this has always been my weak point and what I was scared of in myself, it's getting better. I feel like I can stand on my own now when I should. Before, I was scared that my non-confrontational personality would land me in the wrong relationships. But now, I feel that I will be able to stand up for myself when I need to and back down when I know I'm wrong. Of course, I have to be a girlfriend before I can be a wife but at least I'm confident now that I can be one. Besides, with my my cooking ability and my love of sports, I'm going to be the perfect girlfriend and then one day the perfect wife and mom. Now if I could just find the perfect boyfriend...:-) Right now though, I'd settle for a date. :-)
Sensosketch is like a metaphor for my life: I know what I want/desire but I just can't seem to get there. In a sense, I'm totally blind to either what I'm doing, how to do it or what to do next.
Take, for example, my dating life. We all know that there is a gentleman that I like. I've prayed about it (to make me not desire him in anyway but if it's in God's will for us to date, to make it very clear to me - I need a lot of visuals). I have expected the former to happen - that God would help me to not like him - but lately there have been answers to the contrary. In fact, I became confident that something would happen; and then there was a situation where I thought it did. However, as soon as I adjust to the possibility that something might actually be going right in my life, some unknown force dives down and takes the wind right out of me - leaving me either back where I started with him or further away. Well, this is indeed what happened.
So besides the suckiness of still not finding a job that would help me financially and satisfy me enough to work hard, I'm still stuck in the suckiness of still not having a dating life.
But I know something exciting will happen to me soon. I just have to be patient. That's harder said than done. But I have a lot of practice in having to be patient in all these things - I mean, I'm 30 with still no career and still no prospect for a dating life (let alone family). And no matter how many times a particular guy friend of mine tries to encourage me that I can adopt or be artificially inseminated when the subject matter comes up on conversation, it's not the ideal. He just doesn't get it. He is not a woman who is desperately trying serve God's will but is unsure because what He keeps telling He wants for her is continually out of her grasp. My friend may have given up or have chosen to not get married or have a family but I can't. I won't Besides, I'm only 30; he's almost 40. It's not that it can't happen for him now but it's very unlikely that it will with his attitude. He is the guy; and God says to us women that He will send us a guy to pursue us. My friend has to pursue who he is attracted to; if it doesn't work out, it doesn't. He moves on (and believe me, he would have no problem getting women if he wanted; he is attractive, athletic and has a good heart. In fact, if I ever thought he'd be interested in me, I would change my thoughts about us just being friends - but that is highly unlikely). Then again I've never had this conversation with him so I don't know if there's a valid reason why he isn't married or doesn't want to be attached to a woman in some way. So, really, I have no reason to judge him. But I have valid reasons: I'm not being pursued by anyone that I'm also attracted to. I even try to force myself to be attracted to some that have but it doesn't work. I'm just not interested. I may be getting frustrated and impatient but I haven't lost all hope yet. Either he has or maybe has never had that desire. :-)
You know what? Sometimes it takes me writing on this blog to feel better about myself or right a wrong day. Because now that I think about it, my friend's life inspires me to handle my own better. Maybe for him being single is great but it isn't for me. I am going to be a great wife and mother. I can compromise well when I know I'm wrong and have not let other people take advantage of me as much as I've let them in the past. Though this has always been my weak point and what I was scared of in myself, it's getting better. I feel like I can stand on my own now when I should. Before, I was scared that my non-confrontational personality would land me in the wrong relationships. But now, I feel that I will be able to stand up for myself when I need to and back down when I know I'm wrong. Of course, I have to be a girlfriend before I can be a wife but at least I'm confident now that I can be one. Besides, with my my cooking ability and my love of sports, I'm going to be the perfect girlfriend and then one day the perfect wife and mom. Now if I could just find the perfect boyfriend...:-) Right now though, I'd settle for a date. :-)
6.13.2006
Post 119: Success
"Coming together is a beginning, staying together is progress, and working together is success." Henry Ford
This is my new favorite quote. It's so simple but so right. It applies to life in general and all the little things in between - work, business, friendships, marraige, events. Why can't life be as easy as following a quote/verse? I mean, if I can begin to come together with a person, stay with them through thick and thin and then continue to work with them (compromise), then I'd succeed much more often. I'd either have my own business or a career (actually have a job that satisfies me), friendships that are even stronger and, while we're at it, a romantic relationship (which can be qualified in any or all of these ways: dating, boyfriend, marriage).
Henry Ford was a very bright man. He really was one person who changed the world just by being who he was created to be. We all can be that. The old saying, "You may be only one person in the world but you may mean the world to one person" is applicable to each and every one of us. Henry Ford was this person in a big way because of his determination, his dreams, his desire to succeed and his willingness to work with people. I can be this kind of person, too. I don't have to invent cars or combustable engines or whatever. I can be just me.
BTW, I drive a Ford. :-)
This is my new favorite quote. It's so simple but so right. It applies to life in general and all the little things in between - work, business, friendships, marraige, events. Why can't life be as easy as following a quote/verse? I mean, if I can begin to come together with a person, stay with them through thick and thin and then continue to work with them (compromise), then I'd succeed much more often. I'd either have my own business or a career (actually have a job that satisfies me), friendships that are even stronger and, while we're at it, a romantic relationship (which can be qualified in any or all of these ways: dating, boyfriend, marriage).
Henry Ford was a very bright man. He really was one person who changed the world just by being who he was created to be. We all can be that. The old saying, "You may be only one person in the world but you may mean the world to one person" is applicable to each and every one of us. Henry Ford was this person in a big way because of his determination, his dreams, his desire to succeed and his willingness to work with people. I can be this kind of person, too. I don't have to invent cars or combustable engines or whatever. I can be just me.
BTW, I drive a Ford. :-)
6.12.2006
Post 118: NBA Finals
Ok, so, I'm extremely happy that the Mavs are up 2 games on the Heat. Not a Heat fan. You might think that I would be since Pat Riley and Shaq happen to cohabitate on that team. I like Pat Riley for helping to bring us all those championships in the 80's but Shaq...well, it's a well-known fact that I didn't like him when he was a Laker. I did put my feelings aside because he was instrumental in bringing us more championships - I even defended him to friends that tried to convince me that he was a terrible baller - I didn't need convincing but I wasn't going to let anyone knock my team (even if, deep down, I knew they were right). So, I was never really a fan of Shaq's but I gave him his due.
Now, though, I'm very happy that he's losing. I'm sure he's a wonderful guy - I can't judge him because I've never met him. But I'm a Laker fan at heart and feel like Diesel got a little too big for his britches (and that's hard to do). It was the right move for him to leave and Kobe to stay. And besides, Shaq is winning because he went to a very talented team and gets to play alongside Dwayne Wade. He had the same thing in L.A. (well, before that last fateful year together - too many superstars on one team is not a good thing). Kobe hasn't; but he's inspired the talent that we have to be the best that they can be; he's making the people around him better even when he's throwing 81 down. People seem to miss that he's gotten the guys around him to play better. The team does better when they are all playing, not just when Kobe is hot. Isn't that the mark of a good team in the making? Isn't that what's going on in Dallas?
And isn't it great that an owner who is so into his team and really cares has a good chance to be on top finally? I don't always agree with Cubans actions but his heart I definitely agree with. He is who he is and he doesn't apologize for it. That's someone I can support and get behind - and that's why I really hope the Mavs win. I think the whole organization deserves (even if they are located a hop, skip and a jump from the Cowboys - I'm a Niner fan through and through and to be a Faithful Niner, you must hate the Dallas Cowboys).
I can't wait to watch Game 3 - wouldn't it be great if the Mavs swept the Heat? I think so.
Now, though, I'm very happy that he's losing. I'm sure he's a wonderful guy - I can't judge him because I've never met him. But I'm a Laker fan at heart and feel like Diesel got a little too big for his britches (and that's hard to do). It was the right move for him to leave and Kobe to stay. And besides, Shaq is winning because he went to a very talented team and gets to play alongside Dwayne Wade. He had the same thing in L.A. (well, before that last fateful year together - too many superstars on one team is not a good thing). Kobe hasn't; but he's inspired the talent that we have to be the best that they can be; he's making the people around him better even when he's throwing 81 down. People seem to miss that he's gotten the guys around him to play better. The team does better when they are all playing, not just when Kobe is hot. Isn't that the mark of a good team in the making? Isn't that what's going on in Dallas?
And isn't it great that an owner who is so into his team and really cares has a good chance to be on top finally? I don't always agree with Cubans actions but his heart I definitely agree with. He is who he is and he doesn't apologize for it. That's someone I can support and get behind - and that's why I really hope the Mavs win. I think the whole organization deserves (even if they are located a hop, skip and a jump from the Cowboys - I'm a Niner fan through and through and to be a Faithful Niner, you must hate the Dallas Cowboys).
I can't wait to watch Game 3 - wouldn't it be great if the Mavs swept the Heat? I think so.
6.05.2006
Post 117: High School Crush
Sometimes I feel like I'm back in high school. In fact, I thought about a high school crush of mine the other day. He was a soccer player. Our boys won the title that year and I put them on the front page of the newspaper. Actually, there were two on the team that I kind of had crushes on but we just didn't hang in the same circles - if you know what I mean. Anyway, he came to mind because I was reading the current issue of Sports Illustrated which has four of our US Soccer players on the cover. Plus, I was thinking about my whole little "boy" issue that I've been writing a lot about lately. I've also had a couple conversations with some of my women friends about men we know right now and are interested in so I've just started to feel like I'm back in high school.
But, if you really think about it, aren't we always "still in high school?" I mean, when does that time period in our lives never effect what we're doing now? It seems to me that whatever happened to us in high school affects the rest of our lives. Whether that is negatively or positively isn't the issue. It's that what happened then shaped where we wanted to go - either we refused to be anything like ourselves back then or we found ourselves then and just wanted to stay that way.
I don't regret my high school experiences but I do know that I want my kids to do a little more than I did. I want them to try out for sports and be more involved in student government, if they have those interests. I was always interested in lots of things but lacked the confidence in myself to even try them. I just never felt people would accept me if I failed. But I'm beginning to see that any failures I had in front of people may have given me respect from those same people - but I never even tried.
I didn't show interest in guys that I had crushes on either. I don't regret that but I can see that it is a behavior that I've taken into adulthood. There are reasons why we are attracted to everyone that we are personally attracted to but sometimes we just don't act on them for one reason or another. I'm beginning to think that that is wrong. It's not that we should go after every person that we like but we should at least find out why we are attracted to them - and there are other ways to do that than to go out on a date. For example, I previously made a committment to get to know one of my guy friends better because I found myself unexpectedly attracted to him in more than a friendly way. So, instead of calling him up and asking him, "Will you go out with me?", I have made attempts to converse with him more one on one or in a small group. I have to find out where my attraction to him lies and if it's enough to let him know in some way that I am interested in him. I think it's important that we're cautious but not so much that we do nothing - which is what has been my M.O. in the past.
I was very proud of myself for yesterdays small coup. There was a cookout yesterday at a friends and I made myself part of several conversations that I would have previously backed out of because I was attracted to the guy and didn't want to make him think that I liked him. Instead of letting him or anyone else start the conversation, I started it. It's easy for me to start something with some of my women friends but guys? That's so hard for me - especially with ones that I'm attracted to. So, I made another small step yesterday when it comes to being more social with men. And I'm saying this because unless we're talking about sports, I usually don't talk to guys. I mean, I talk to my guy friends now mostly about sports and that's why I think I have so many now - because we can all get together and converse that way and it feel easy (but that's also because two of them have never known that I was once attracted to both of them). It's easy for me to talk that way but to just ask about their normal lives, it's so hard for me to do that and not give away that I like them so I just don't talk to them about their personal lives. I kind of just let them reveal themselves to me if they so happen to do that.
But that stops now. How am I going to figure out reasons why I'm attracted to certain guys if I don't get to know them. So, short of dating, I'm going to treat them the same as my other friends - unless there's a point that it's definite there's a mutual attraction there. But I have to speak to them before anything can happen. I mean, goodness, what's wrong with me? Nobody can grow in relationship, even if it's just a friendship, if you never talk.
It's so simple, isn't it? But, unfortunately, sometimes the simple things are hard to do...like pressing send on an e-mail to submit your first story. It's easy but it took me at least 10 years to finally do it. :-) I just hope it doesn't take me that long for the next step. :-)
But, if you really think about it, aren't we always "still in high school?" I mean, when does that time period in our lives never effect what we're doing now? It seems to me that whatever happened to us in high school affects the rest of our lives. Whether that is negatively or positively isn't the issue. It's that what happened then shaped where we wanted to go - either we refused to be anything like ourselves back then or we found ourselves then and just wanted to stay that way.
I don't regret my high school experiences but I do know that I want my kids to do a little more than I did. I want them to try out for sports and be more involved in student government, if they have those interests. I was always interested in lots of things but lacked the confidence in myself to even try them. I just never felt people would accept me if I failed. But I'm beginning to see that any failures I had in front of people may have given me respect from those same people - but I never even tried.
I didn't show interest in guys that I had crushes on either. I don't regret that but I can see that it is a behavior that I've taken into adulthood. There are reasons why we are attracted to everyone that we are personally attracted to but sometimes we just don't act on them for one reason or another. I'm beginning to think that that is wrong. It's not that we should go after every person that we like but we should at least find out why we are attracted to them - and there are other ways to do that than to go out on a date. For example, I previously made a committment to get to know one of my guy friends better because I found myself unexpectedly attracted to him in more than a friendly way. So, instead of calling him up and asking him, "Will you go out with me?", I have made attempts to converse with him more one on one or in a small group. I have to find out where my attraction to him lies and if it's enough to let him know in some way that I am interested in him. I think it's important that we're cautious but not so much that we do nothing - which is what has been my M.O. in the past.
I was very proud of myself for yesterdays small coup. There was a cookout yesterday at a friends and I made myself part of several conversations that I would have previously backed out of because I was attracted to the guy and didn't want to make him think that I liked him. Instead of letting him or anyone else start the conversation, I started it. It's easy for me to start something with some of my women friends but guys? That's so hard for me - especially with ones that I'm attracted to. So, I made another small step yesterday when it comes to being more social with men. And I'm saying this because unless we're talking about sports, I usually don't talk to guys. I mean, I talk to my guy friends now mostly about sports and that's why I think I have so many now - because we can all get together and converse that way and it feel easy (but that's also because two of them have never known that I was once attracted to both of them). It's easy for me to talk that way but to just ask about their normal lives, it's so hard for me to do that and not give away that I like them so I just don't talk to them about their personal lives. I kind of just let them reveal themselves to me if they so happen to do that.
But that stops now. How am I going to figure out reasons why I'm attracted to certain guys if I don't get to know them. So, short of dating, I'm going to treat them the same as my other friends - unless there's a point that it's definite there's a mutual attraction there. But I have to speak to them before anything can happen. I mean, goodness, what's wrong with me? Nobody can grow in relationship, even if it's just a friendship, if you never talk.
It's so simple, isn't it? But, unfortunately, sometimes the simple things are hard to do...like pressing send on an e-mail to submit your first story. It's easy but it took me at least 10 years to finally do it. :-) I just hope it doesn't take me that long for the next step. :-)
6.02.2006
Post 116: A little more confident
I finally did it! I had enough confidence in myself to send one of my stories out. I actually, really and truly, submitted a story to the Writer's Digest contest. Though I'm having serious doubts that not more than one of the judges will even like it enough to read it through, I still took a huge step. I'm very proud of myself but know that it is only a start. Of course, I won't know how good of a start until October (when they contact the winners) but its' a start. Now that I've taken the first step, it doesn't feel so bad. So...I need to find other contests or magazines and just start submitting to them. I fully realize that it may take me 100 tries before I sell one, win a contest with one, or even just get into a publication for free but - now that I've taken that first step - it will get easier to allow someone to read my writing and critique it. How am I going to get better or achieve my life-long dream if I don't get out there? I won't. So, needless to say, I'm excited that I finally took the first step.
This last recent trip to CA also made me discipline myself in areas of my life that I seriously lack it. Whether or not I make $15,000 or $50,000 a year, I need to manage my money better. What does this mean to me? It means no credit cards. None. It means that I pay off my debt and don't allow myself to have any more debt once I'm completely out of it - except if it's a mortgage. That would be good debt - and unless I'm a millionaire, I have to have a mortgage to own a house. I've relayed this message to my bible study and my closest friends, explaining to them that if I don't go to movies or out to dinner as much as in the past, that it isn't because of them. And I don't expect them to support me financially - even though they would if I asked. It's wonderful that they have accepted it and want to help me with my new disciplined lifestyle.
Though I'm not horrible with money, I'm not great with it so I'm really hoping God's choice of husband for me is also good with money - not stingy (we should still be able to enjoy life a little) - but knows how to handle it better than me. That's definitely a characteristic that I want in a husband. Of course, I'm going to have to date men that will turn out to be not the right one for awhile. But at least I know one more thing that will help me determine which one is God's pick for me. I'm completely convinced that the area of money is not my strong suit so my future mate has to complement me at least in this way: by being better at budgeting and money issues. :-)
Today is a beautiful day in Bloomington. Though I have to work all day today which is not usual (Friday's are only supposed to be 1/2 days for me), I'm excited to go for a walk with my friend after work. I've never walked on the Clear Creek Trail before so I'm really looking forward to it. And two of my friends wouldn't take no for an answer when I told them that I couldn't go to the movies tonight. Though I did protest, they are paying for my ticket because they want us all to be together tonight. But I haven't told them that I have a list and am going to pay them back one day when I'm back on my feet. It may be in treating them in the future or paying them back in cash, but I want to make sure that I don't ever take advantage of all the nice things that God has given me - and that includes my friends.
To be honest, my biggest sin is handling money. Not all my debt has been avoidable but about 1/3 to 1/2 of it certainly had the potential to be avoided. So spiritually, this has been the real issue to hinder a lot of the parts of my life - that includes dating and the like. I don't want to be involved with somebody seriously and then have to break up because he sees my financial woes. I know it may sound stupid but relationships are hard in the first place; bringing an issue into the relationship like money only burdens it more.
So there are lots of days that I'm relieved that no one is interested in me that I'd be interested in, too. On the other hand, I can't help wanting to date at an age that people expect to me to at least be married. I expected to be married by now. In fact, I had a friend that made a comment a few weeks ago in response to something I said. I said, "I should be married by then - at least by the time I'm 40." He joked, "That soon?" I'll admit that his comment hurt me a bit but it's kind of true. I have dated but I can tell you their names, what we did and what month/year it was. I've gone out with approximately 12 men in my life - most of those were one daters and none of them would even be remotely considered boyfriends. I have come to think of myself as 1) a late bloomer, 2) cautious of dating men not of the same spirituality as me, and 3) careful to pick out those guys I lust for and the guys I'm truly interested in having a relationship with. But I'm also scared to get hurt again - and there isn't anyone I know in my life now of the guys I'm interested in that are interested back. No offense to anyone who is reading this and may be one of the following, but I seem to attract way older men (try 20-30 years older), men who are between 250-300 pounds (and I'm not talking muscle) and men who have harsh personalities/want to control me. And I get a lot of the weird ones, too. You can tell that I'm not too blessed in the man department. I don't want to go out with a model-type or athlete per se, but he should at least take care of himself a little bit and be closer to my age with a personality that meshes with mine. That's it. I would even go out with a guy who is 40 if he and I had the right chemistry. But over 40 and under 25 would be a little much, I think. I mean, my parents are only 20 years older than me - it would be weird to go out with someone closer to my dads age than mine. And younger than 25? Well, that would be wierd, too, because let's face it - I'm not old enough to be robbing the cradle but I'm old enough to know that an early 20's guy is too immature for even me. The main fact of the matter is that he doesn't have to be drop dead gorgeous but I have to be attracted to him physically, spiritually and mentally. I've had some gems along the way but none of them worked - and the emphasis is on how few of them there have been (2, maybe 3). So I have to assume that these feelings I'm having for a certain guy right now are not God-sponsored, otherwise he'd be responding to me. And he isn't. So...it makes me relieved because I really need to focus on getting out of debt but sad that no one wants to be with me just like I am. And it would be nice to have support (finally) from someone who cares for me romantically and not one that's related or just a friend. I truly long for that type of relationship - no matter how hard people say it is or how they tell me I'm better off without it. Anything that takes at least a little work, is worth it. And God never meant for us to be alone. Some of us are meant for life-long celebacy and servitude but I know that I'm not one of those.
I know, I know. Everyone has the same trouble with relationships and money. I guess that I'm just more vocal about it. :-)
This last recent trip to CA also made me discipline myself in areas of my life that I seriously lack it. Whether or not I make $15,000 or $50,000 a year, I need to manage my money better. What does this mean to me? It means no credit cards. None. It means that I pay off my debt and don't allow myself to have any more debt once I'm completely out of it - except if it's a mortgage. That would be good debt - and unless I'm a millionaire, I have to have a mortgage to own a house. I've relayed this message to my bible study and my closest friends, explaining to them that if I don't go to movies or out to dinner as much as in the past, that it isn't because of them. And I don't expect them to support me financially - even though they would if I asked. It's wonderful that they have accepted it and want to help me with my new disciplined lifestyle.
Though I'm not horrible with money, I'm not great with it so I'm really hoping God's choice of husband for me is also good with money - not stingy (we should still be able to enjoy life a little) - but knows how to handle it better than me. That's definitely a characteristic that I want in a husband. Of course, I'm going to have to date men that will turn out to be not the right one for awhile. But at least I know one more thing that will help me determine which one is God's pick for me. I'm completely convinced that the area of money is not my strong suit so my future mate has to complement me at least in this way: by being better at budgeting and money issues. :-)
Today is a beautiful day in Bloomington. Though I have to work all day today which is not usual (Friday's are only supposed to be 1/2 days for me), I'm excited to go for a walk with my friend after work. I've never walked on the Clear Creek Trail before so I'm really looking forward to it. And two of my friends wouldn't take no for an answer when I told them that I couldn't go to the movies tonight. Though I did protest, they are paying for my ticket because they want us all to be together tonight. But I haven't told them that I have a list and am going to pay them back one day when I'm back on my feet. It may be in treating them in the future or paying them back in cash, but I want to make sure that I don't ever take advantage of all the nice things that God has given me - and that includes my friends.
To be honest, my biggest sin is handling money. Not all my debt has been avoidable but about 1/3 to 1/2 of it certainly had the potential to be avoided. So spiritually, this has been the real issue to hinder a lot of the parts of my life - that includes dating and the like. I don't want to be involved with somebody seriously and then have to break up because he sees my financial woes. I know it may sound stupid but relationships are hard in the first place; bringing an issue into the relationship like money only burdens it more.
So there are lots of days that I'm relieved that no one is interested in me that I'd be interested in, too. On the other hand, I can't help wanting to date at an age that people expect to me to at least be married. I expected to be married by now. In fact, I had a friend that made a comment a few weeks ago in response to something I said. I said, "I should be married by then - at least by the time I'm 40." He joked, "That soon?" I'll admit that his comment hurt me a bit but it's kind of true. I have dated but I can tell you their names, what we did and what month/year it was. I've gone out with approximately 12 men in my life - most of those were one daters and none of them would even be remotely considered boyfriends. I have come to think of myself as 1) a late bloomer, 2) cautious of dating men not of the same spirituality as me, and 3) careful to pick out those guys I lust for and the guys I'm truly interested in having a relationship with. But I'm also scared to get hurt again - and there isn't anyone I know in my life now of the guys I'm interested in that are interested back. No offense to anyone who is reading this and may be one of the following, but I seem to attract way older men (try 20-30 years older), men who are between 250-300 pounds (and I'm not talking muscle) and men who have harsh personalities/want to control me. And I get a lot of the weird ones, too. You can tell that I'm not too blessed in the man department. I don't want to go out with a model-type or athlete per se, but he should at least take care of himself a little bit and be closer to my age with a personality that meshes with mine. That's it. I would even go out with a guy who is 40 if he and I had the right chemistry. But over 40 and under 25 would be a little much, I think. I mean, my parents are only 20 years older than me - it would be weird to go out with someone closer to my dads age than mine. And younger than 25? Well, that would be wierd, too, because let's face it - I'm not old enough to be robbing the cradle but I'm old enough to know that an early 20's guy is too immature for even me. The main fact of the matter is that he doesn't have to be drop dead gorgeous but I have to be attracted to him physically, spiritually and mentally. I've had some gems along the way but none of them worked - and the emphasis is on how few of them there have been (2, maybe 3). So I have to assume that these feelings I'm having for a certain guy right now are not God-sponsored, otherwise he'd be responding to me. And he isn't. So...it makes me relieved because I really need to focus on getting out of debt but sad that no one wants to be with me just like I am. And it would be nice to have support (finally) from someone who cares for me romantically and not one that's related or just a friend. I truly long for that type of relationship - no matter how hard people say it is or how they tell me I'm better off without it. Anything that takes at least a little work, is worth it. And God never meant for us to be alone. Some of us are meant for life-long celebacy and servitude but I know that I'm not one of those.
I know, I know. Everyone has the same trouble with relationships and money. I guess that I'm just more vocal about it. :-)
5.22.2006
Post 115: Bad days
There's a very popular song on the radio right now - one that I actually like. It's not a fun song or a happy song or a club type song. No - it's a real song and a real sad song. But it's not so sad that it makes you cry. It does, however, make you sing along with the depressing lyrics and reflect upon your life - mainly the bad days. It also sneakily entertwines hope throughout the song. It's very, very subtle but it's there.
Well, I've had a series of bad days but I have been ironically calm. I feel hope, strength, love, grace, mercy, faith and a little bit of resignation. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? Well, I have to give over these bad days hoping that good days will come after. And I really need lots of good days.
In fact, I'm letting go of a few things. As you all well know, I've had an issue with my personal life. I have to constantly figure out why I don't date or don't seem to be attracted to the right person. Well, I have to not worry about that. I have one goal and it's too big to add to it. That goal is to find a full-time job with benefits so I can pay down my debt - no, so I can pay OFF my debt. Though it would be nice to be with someone finally who is attracted to me and I'm attracted back, that has to not be a concern for me. If it happens, it happens. But if it doesn't, I shouldn't worry about it. God's timing is His timing; mine isn't important.
But sometimes the bad days can make you reflect upon your life in a better way - you see things you hadn't seen before. You understand things better. I feel like I understand things better today than I have in a while. For example: I have liked a particular male friend of mine for awhile. I don't really know why since I don't really know a lot about him but yet there's an attraction there - on my end, anyway. His end - well, that's a bit confusing. He has been more vocal and physical in my presence lately. I don't mean in a sexual way or anything like that. He's just been more open, less reserved. I don't think that it's because he has an attraction to me all of a sudden. I think it's because he's finally comfortable with me as a friend. And that's good because I'm comfortable with him as a friend, too. And now, I'm getting to see that maybe that's why I've been so focused on that relationship - that I was confused on why he and I weren't better friends.
But then when I thought this morning about the whole thing, I realized something really, really important. Why should I even want to be with a man who more than likely doesn't want anything to do with marriage, kids or anything like that? I think it would be a waste if he spends his whole life alone but it would be worse if I ended up with someone like that. I don't want that - and I can't see him wanting a relationship with a woman that serious. If I've known him for awhile and can't see him in a relationship, then I need not to think of him in any other way than a friend. I'm not old but I'm old enough to not want to spend my time with someone who isn't at least interested in a dating relationship. He's older than even I am so why waste his or my time? I'm seriously praying that God will help me to let go of any desire to really spend much time with this guy because I don't want to get myself in a position to have to cover hurt feelings when there was never any use to having them in the first place.
Of course, if he and I end up somehow mutually attracted then I'll have to rearrange my thinking. But right now I only want to spend my dating life with guys who have the same or similar goals in life as me. I may go through several before I find the right one, but why spend time with the wrong type of guys? I don't know if this guy is the wrong type yet, but it's starting to look like it.
So, as I get on a plane tomorrow to fly to my grandfather's funeral, I'll have plenty to think and journal about to keep my mind off the coming grief - not so much my own as my family's and helping them to cope.
Well, I've had a series of bad days but I have been ironically calm. I feel hope, strength, love, grace, mercy, faith and a little bit of resignation. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? Well, I have to give over these bad days hoping that good days will come after. And I really need lots of good days.
In fact, I'm letting go of a few things. As you all well know, I've had an issue with my personal life. I have to constantly figure out why I don't date or don't seem to be attracted to the right person. Well, I have to not worry about that. I have one goal and it's too big to add to it. That goal is to find a full-time job with benefits so I can pay down my debt - no, so I can pay OFF my debt. Though it would be nice to be with someone finally who is attracted to me and I'm attracted back, that has to not be a concern for me. If it happens, it happens. But if it doesn't, I shouldn't worry about it. God's timing is His timing; mine isn't important.
But sometimes the bad days can make you reflect upon your life in a better way - you see things you hadn't seen before. You understand things better. I feel like I understand things better today than I have in a while. For example: I have liked a particular male friend of mine for awhile. I don't really know why since I don't really know a lot about him but yet there's an attraction there - on my end, anyway. His end - well, that's a bit confusing. He has been more vocal and physical in my presence lately. I don't mean in a sexual way or anything like that. He's just been more open, less reserved. I don't think that it's because he has an attraction to me all of a sudden. I think it's because he's finally comfortable with me as a friend. And that's good because I'm comfortable with him as a friend, too. And now, I'm getting to see that maybe that's why I've been so focused on that relationship - that I was confused on why he and I weren't better friends.
But then when I thought this morning about the whole thing, I realized something really, really important. Why should I even want to be with a man who more than likely doesn't want anything to do with marriage, kids or anything like that? I think it would be a waste if he spends his whole life alone but it would be worse if I ended up with someone like that. I don't want that - and I can't see him wanting a relationship with a woman that serious. If I've known him for awhile and can't see him in a relationship, then I need not to think of him in any other way than a friend. I'm not old but I'm old enough to not want to spend my time with someone who isn't at least interested in a dating relationship. He's older than even I am so why waste his or my time? I'm seriously praying that God will help me to let go of any desire to really spend much time with this guy because I don't want to get myself in a position to have to cover hurt feelings when there was never any use to having them in the first place.
Of course, if he and I end up somehow mutually attracted then I'll have to rearrange my thinking. But right now I only want to spend my dating life with guys who have the same or similar goals in life as me. I may go through several before I find the right one, but why spend time with the wrong type of guys? I don't know if this guy is the wrong type yet, but it's starting to look like it.
So, as I get on a plane tomorrow to fly to my grandfather's funeral, I'll have plenty to think and journal about to keep my mind off the coming grief - not so much my own as my family's and helping them to cope.
5.18.2006
Post 114: Playing the waiting game...again
Sometimes, I think life is all about waiting. We wait for clients to get back with us; wait for our order to come in; wait for a phone call from a family member that we already know is going to bring bad news; wait to hear back from possible future employers; and generally wait for the good things to happen to us.
Or...could it really be that life is all about patience? Instead of thinking of it as waiting, we should be thinking of it as an exercise in patience. Well, the key word in that sentence is should. We don't really do this well, do we? I know that I sometimes don't. I'm trying my best to be patient and live while I'm waiting for the inevitable but every day it gets harder and harder. I have been changing to a point that I want to get things done as soon as I can. I've never really been that way before. I don't want to leave loose ends - in fact, I can't sleep at all if I go to bed without something done. If there is a project that isn't completed that should be, I physically can't sleep (which is frustrating because I now know that I may never tackle my life-long sleeping problems). And I haven't slept well for the past two nights. The culprit? Forgetting to pay two bills that are now late. They are paid as of today but the stress of incurring late charges on top of a looming plane ticket and 3 days of non pay at work because I don't get paid vacation time doesn't help, either. And I have to pay for my submissions to the Reader's Digest contest, which I'm fairly sure won't be money that I'll get back in any way - the only way I'd get back what I'm going to spend is if I'm in the top ten chosen. The prize money would be my refund. But I know I have to do it so I'm looking at it as an investment in my future - whatever that may turn out to be. :-)
Well, everyone here who thought they might have to build an ark if it kept raining everyday is sending all their supplies to New England - where they should have already built one! I'm kidding about this of course. No one bought supplies for an ark but just thinking about what they are going through up there is humbling. And that they are being positive and joking to boot - that says a lot about the people there. I haven't read one article that didn't have a positivity to it from the quotes that were taken from local people. They've accepted it and making the best of the situation. They are light-hearted and that's encouraging - and also uncharacteristic of most Americans nowadays.
Well, I better go to lunch. I have a new project at work that I have to do over the next two days. It's not very fun but it will help the sales reps during a very, very busy time. I think this project is solidifying the fact that I don't like to be rejected - and I don't like cold calling. It's not something I'm comfortable with but I want to do a good job because I want to help our hard working sales reps. They are all such nice people and very good at what they do. It's hard to find sales people like that anywhere anymore - let alone all in the same room. :-)
Or...could it really be that life is all about patience? Instead of thinking of it as waiting, we should be thinking of it as an exercise in patience. Well, the key word in that sentence is should. We don't really do this well, do we? I know that I sometimes don't. I'm trying my best to be patient and live while I'm waiting for the inevitable but every day it gets harder and harder. I have been changing to a point that I want to get things done as soon as I can. I've never really been that way before. I don't want to leave loose ends - in fact, I can't sleep at all if I go to bed without something done. If there is a project that isn't completed that should be, I physically can't sleep (which is frustrating because I now know that I may never tackle my life-long sleeping problems). And I haven't slept well for the past two nights. The culprit? Forgetting to pay two bills that are now late. They are paid as of today but the stress of incurring late charges on top of a looming plane ticket and 3 days of non pay at work because I don't get paid vacation time doesn't help, either. And I have to pay for my submissions to the Reader's Digest contest, which I'm fairly sure won't be money that I'll get back in any way - the only way I'd get back what I'm going to spend is if I'm in the top ten chosen. The prize money would be my refund. But I know I have to do it so I'm looking at it as an investment in my future - whatever that may turn out to be. :-)
Well, everyone here who thought they might have to build an ark if it kept raining everyday is sending all their supplies to New England - where they should have already built one! I'm kidding about this of course. No one bought supplies for an ark but just thinking about what they are going through up there is humbling. And that they are being positive and joking to boot - that says a lot about the people there. I haven't read one article that didn't have a positivity to it from the quotes that were taken from local people. They've accepted it and making the best of the situation. They are light-hearted and that's encouraging - and also uncharacteristic of most Americans nowadays.
Well, I better go to lunch. I have a new project at work that I have to do over the next two days. It's not very fun but it will help the sales reps during a very, very busy time. I think this project is solidifying the fact that I don't like to be rejected - and I don't like cold calling. It's not something I'm comfortable with but I want to do a good job because I want to help our hard working sales reps. They are all such nice people and very good at what they do. It's hard to find sales people like that anywhere anymore - let alone all in the same room. :-)
5.16.2006
Post 113: He's just not that into you...
So, I'm not sure if I need to read this book or not. I guess I just want to know why I am attracted to men who aren't available - for a plethora of reasons? I'm reading this book right now called Passion and Purity. It was given to me from a friend to read, maybe it will provide me with some insights. I think that what I'm learning so far is that women and men are much the same now than they ever were when it comes to dating: both sexes are insecure about the other.
I can definitely see this in me. I'm a girl...and traditionally girls don't ask boys out. I'm a traditional girl...I have no desire to ask a guy out; he needs to pursue me. So what do you do when a guy that you have no interest in - even if you actually try to find their good sides - pursues you? How does it build your confidence that a guy you're not interested in likes you but the guy that you have interest in - no matter how hard you try not to - doesn't? The simple fact is that this has been my life to now and it hasn't given me any confidence that, though God continually answers my prayers that I will have a family one day, I will succeed in this. Add to that the fact that guys are now shy, well, you have a conundrum for women like me. Women like all of my single women friends who are attractive, have wonderful hearts, are athletic and outdoorsy, and are so much fun to be around find themselves still single into their 30's. If we don't change who we are and what we believe in, we will stay single - because the guys that are meant for us are too shy and insecure nowadays.
But I'm also convinced that there has to be a balance somewhere. I just haven't found it yet. What I have been able to figure out is that flirting is needed - not heavy flirting or sexual flirting but somewhere in between - on both ends, especially mine. I'm really bad at this - really, really bad. In fact, a little known thing about me is that I tend to do the same thing with guys I like and guys I don't like - I avoid them like a plague or sit on the other side of the room and try not to make eye contact. I avoid guys I don't like becuase I want to be sure they know I have no interest. But I avoid guys I do like because I'm so affected by them that I can't be around them too much - I get nervous and get clutzier than usual. There are a couple of my guy friends that I could be better friends with but I'm so nervous they'll find out that I'm attracted to them that I try to not make eye contact or hang out with them too much. Plus they both have the one thing that drives me crazy - great eyes. So, instead of having a chance at dating them or just being closer to them as friends, I have more of an aquaintance with them - leaving me distant.
The other thing is that I'm a slow bloomer. Yes, I want a husband and kids sooner than later but...that's a big but...a guy holding my hand for the first time is a big deal to me. I've yet to be comfortable with any guy I'm going out with to even hold my hand - so you can guess how important him kissing me is. I'm very cautious and I know that's becuase of how things have gone with my family. Divorce is not in my future check list. So, though I might be considered a little behind in the love department, it's for a good reason and I have less and less doubt that I won't fall in love with the wrong guy - or put any pressure on the next guy that I date to be my soulmate. That's just unrealistic. It's not that I don't think it happens, it does. And though it would be great to have this happen to me - to find out that God totally saved me for my soulmate in every way (and that does include kissing, I'll admit it) - it's not something that I'm planning on.
I know I'm being really open and personal about this subject but I know that there are women and men out there like I've written about on this blog - men and women like me. I want them to know that they are not alone and that I'm still learning about this men v women v love thing. I have faith that God's plan is perfect and this stuff will happen at the right time but that doesn't mean we don't still question, pray and grow. We have to learn about ourselves and others so we know what direction God is telling us to grow. He's told me through praying about situations that I need to be a little more proactive when it comes to the opposite sex. If he doesn't know that I like him or am at least intersted in getting to know him as a friend, then how is anything going to happen? Maybe not in words, but God has revealed to me, "It's not like men can read your mind. There's a reason why I made you different. You need to communicate with each other; you're partners, not clones." So, I have to be more forward.
So...I have picked one of my guy friends to pursue a closer friendship with; not a date. A little project, if you will...just to get to know him better because from what know of him, we have some of the same issues. Maybe we could help each other. If a date happens, great. If not, that will be fine, too. I'm thinking of it as, if nothing else, I'll make a better friend and learn a bit more about the opposite sex and myself at the same time. Plus, I'm fairly sure he doesn't read my blog so he may never know that I was at once attracted to him so there won't be any weirdness between us. And that's really important to me because the previous guy friends that I ended up dating, ended up no longer friends. It was sad and hurt a lot becuase they were good friends. I just realized that I didn't have romantic feelings for them and didn't want to lead them on. So, though it was my decision to not date, it was their decision to not be friends anymore.
I think I'll need a little bit of luck for the future. Wish me luck!
I can definitely see this in me. I'm a girl...and traditionally girls don't ask boys out. I'm a traditional girl...I have no desire to ask a guy out; he needs to pursue me. So what do you do when a guy that you have no interest in - even if you actually try to find their good sides - pursues you? How does it build your confidence that a guy you're not interested in likes you but the guy that you have interest in - no matter how hard you try not to - doesn't? The simple fact is that this has been my life to now and it hasn't given me any confidence that, though God continually answers my prayers that I will have a family one day, I will succeed in this. Add to that the fact that guys are now shy, well, you have a conundrum for women like me. Women like all of my single women friends who are attractive, have wonderful hearts, are athletic and outdoorsy, and are so much fun to be around find themselves still single into their 30's. If we don't change who we are and what we believe in, we will stay single - because the guys that are meant for us are too shy and insecure nowadays.
But I'm also convinced that there has to be a balance somewhere. I just haven't found it yet. What I have been able to figure out is that flirting is needed - not heavy flirting or sexual flirting but somewhere in between - on both ends, especially mine. I'm really bad at this - really, really bad. In fact, a little known thing about me is that I tend to do the same thing with guys I like and guys I don't like - I avoid them like a plague or sit on the other side of the room and try not to make eye contact. I avoid guys I don't like becuase I want to be sure they know I have no interest. But I avoid guys I do like because I'm so affected by them that I can't be around them too much - I get nervous and get clutzier than usual. There are a couple of my guy friends that I could be better friends with but I'm so nervous they'll find out that I'm attracted to them that I try to not make eye contact or hang out with them too much. Plus they both have the one thing that drives me crazy - great eyes. So, instead of having a chance at dating them or just being closer to them as friends, I have more of an aquaintance with them - leaving me distant.
The other thing is that I'm a slow bloomer. Yes, I want a husband and kids sooner than later but...that's a big but...a guy holding my hand for the first time is a big deal to me. I've yet to be comfortable with any guy I'm going out with to even hold my hand - so you can guess how important him kissing me is. I'm very cautious and I know that's becuase of how things have gone with my family. Divorce is not in my future check list. So, though I might be considered a little behind in the love department, it's for a good reason and I have less and less doubt that I won't fall in love with the wrong guy - or put any pressure on the next guy that I date to be my soulmate. That's just unrealistic. It's not that I don't think it happens, it does. And though it would be great to have this happen to me - to find out that God totally saved me for my soulmate in every way (and that does include kissing, I'll admit it) - it's not something that I'm planning on.
I know I'm being really open and personal about this subject but I know that there are women and men out there like I've written about on this blog - men and women like me. I want them to know that they are not alone and that I'm still learning about this men v women v love thing. I have faith that God's plan is perfect and this stuff will happen at the right time but that doesn't mean we don't still question, pray and grow. We have to learn about ourselves and others so we know what direction God is telling us to grow. He's told me through praying about situations that I need to be a little more proactive when it comes to the opposite sex. If he doesn't know that I like him or am at least intersted in getting to know him as a friend, then how is anything going to happen? Maybe not in words, but God has revealed to me, "It's not like men can read your mind. There's a reason why I made you different. You need to communicate with each other; you're partners, not clones." So, I have to be more forward.
So...I have picked one of my guy friends to pursue a closer friendship with; not a date. A little project, if you will...just to get to know him better because from what know of him, we have some of the same issues. Maybe we could help each other. If a date happens, great. If not, that will be fine, too. I'm thinking of it as, if nothing else, I'll make a better friend and learn a bit more about the opposite sex and myself at the same time. Plus, I'm fairly sure he doesn't read my blog so he may never know that I was at once attracted to him so there won't be any weirdness between us. And that's really important to me because the previous guy friends that I ended up dating, ended up no longer friends. It was sad and hurt a lot becuase they were good friends. I just realized that I didn't have romantic feelings for them and didn't want to lead them on. So, though it was my decision to not date, it was their decision to not be friends anymore.
I think I'll need a little bit of luck for the future. Wish me luck!
5.15.2006
Post 112: Five stories
That's how many I'm sending in to the Reader's Digest contest. I probably won't win anything but I want to at least try. I found another contest, too, and am going to enter that. I have less than two weeks, though. The good thing is that four of my stories qualify for four of the categories. The fifth story? That's the bad thing: it isn't written yet and it isn't going to qualify for one of the story categories. It's going to qualify for the screenplay category. Since I've only written one play before and never have written a screenplay, it will be a little challenging but I know that I can do it. I just have to do it very, very soon. I have to test myself - if I'm ever going to give myself a chance at pursuing my life-long dream of being an author.
I've gotten back to some good writing habits - I even journaled during a party I was at last Saturday night. It was nice to do it and easier than I remembered. Nobody really cared that I was doing it so there weren't a lot of questions; my train of thought wasn't interrupted and that was such a good thing. And I didn't really feel like I was neglected because nobody noticed or asked about what I was doing - which is something I would've felt before now. Maybe I'm just grown up enough to be real in my endeavor; maybe I've lived enough to get started with my life, my writing life.
On a sad note, one of my grandfather's is fighting for his life right now. I may be flying to CA in the next couple days to attend his funeral. Though death never comes at a good ime, his funeral may be on the same day of a close friends wedding. I'm so excited for the wedding; but so sad that my family will be going through such a hard time right now. I feel a bit selfish at wanting him to hang on until after the wedding. Let's be realistic: I am being really selfish at wanting him to hang on until after the wedding. I just wanted to be there for my friend at a time that has been so many years in the making. It's such a brilliant day for her and I want to be there to help her celebrate. But my family comes first; even my stepfamily, which my grandfather is my stepmom's dad. Her family accepted me so easily and right away. I was the first granddaughter. I felt very loved from the beginning. Though I'm not Bettencourt blood, they've always treated me as such. I have been truly, truly grateful for their acceptance and love towards me. I want to be there for them but it's hard to not to want to be there for my friend, too. I'll just see what God's plan is; His is the only one I should be following anyway.
So this week may be an interesting one. I don't know where I'm going to be on what day. And I'm starting to think that maybe that's how we should attack our lives each morning - with a sense that we don't know what's going to happen so we should do our best and live our best each day. Who knows where we'll be tomorrow? Or who we'll meet? I might get on a plane tomorrow and meet the person who's going to be pivotal in jump starting my writing career; or I'll sit next to the man that I'm supposed to marry one day; or I'll see an old friend that I've lost touch with. So why do I stress for what's going to happen today when I have no real control over it and should just be the best person I can be? Well, no more. I'm going to start each day excited that I don't know what's going to happen. I have more confidence in myself and that I'm going to be able to say or do the right things. I won't be perfect but I'll be bolder.
I just wish it would finally stop raining here. I'm about ready to start building my own ark - and I'm not a boat person. :-)
I've gotten back to some good writing habits - I even journaled during a party I was at last Saturday night. It was nice to do it and easier than I remembered. Nobody really cared that I was doing it so there weren't a lot of questions; my train of thought wasn't interrupted and that was such a good thing. And I didn't really feel like I was neglected because nobody noticed or asked about what I was doing - which is something I would've felt before now. Maybe I'm just grown up enough to be real in my endeavor; maybe I've lived enough to get started with my life, my writing life.
On a sad note, one of my grandfather's is fighting for his life right now. I may be flying to CA in the next couple days to attend his funeral. Though death never comes at a good ime, his funeral may be on the same day of a close friends wedding. I'm so excited for the wedding; but so sad that my family will be going through such a hard time right now. I feel a bit selfish at wanting him to hang on until after the wedding. Let's be realistic: I am being really selfish at wanting him to hang on until after the wedding. I just wanted to be there for my friend at a time that has been so many years in the making. It's such a brilliant day for her and I want to be there to help her celebrate. But my family comes first; even my stepfamily, which my grandfather is my stepmom's dad. Her family accepted me so easily and right away. I was the first granddaughter. I felt very loved from the beginning. Though I'm not Bettencourt blood, they've always treated me as such. I have been truly, truly grateful for their acceptance and love towards me. I want to be there for them but it's hard to not to want to be there for my friend, too. I'll just see what God's plan is; His is the only one I should be following anyway.
So this week may be an interesting one. I don't know where I'm going to be on what day. And I'm starting to think that maybe that's how we should attack our lives each morning - with a sense that we don't know what's going to happen so we should do our best and live our best each day. Who knows where we'll be tomorrow? Or who we'll meet? I might get on a plane tomorrow and meet the person who's going to be pivotal in jump starting my writing career; or I'll sit next to the man that I'm supposed to marry one day; or I'll see an old friend that I've lost touch with. So why do I stress for what's going to happen today when I have no real control over it and should just be the best person I can be? Well, no more. I'm going to start each day excited that I don't know what's going to happen. I have more confidence in myself and that I'm going to be able to say or do the right things. I won't be perfect but I'll be bolder.
I just wish it would finally stop raining here. I'm about ready to start building my own ark - and I'm not a boat person. :-)
5.08.2006
Post 111: Blood on the Dance Floor
Well, it's my first day not working at the studio - again. Because of my extreme exhaustion, I'm so ecstatic about it. Well, as much as I can be while trying not to fall asleep at my desk. :-)
Yesterday was so exhausting! We have had shows before that weren't quite that exhausting. I don't know if it was because of the weekend or just the show itself, but I haven't been this tired in awhile. If (and that's a big if) I ever own my own school, I will have the day after a major show a holiday. It would be worth it to keep my instructors fresh, excited and relaxed. I keep thinking how they have to work today and how I so don't envy them.
So, by now you're wondering why I named this post "Blood on the Dance Floor" and I haven't said much about anything being bloody or anything. Well, that's the title of my next story. I have a great idea for a story on my experiences in the ballroom dancing world. It's not going to be a typical ballroom dancing story that you've seen in the movies lately. Ballroom dancing is really popular right now - as it should be always. I know, I know - I may be a little biased. But, seriously, what other form of dance or extra curricular activity makes you feel like you're perfect just the way you are - even if you're bad at it? Only those who focus on being perfect can find it like work. I do believe that each student should strive to be the best they can be but if you're not having fun, then it's not worth it. Even if you arent' the best dancer out there, if you're having a great time people will see that energy and life and be affected in the most positive way. The rest just kind of falls to the way side. No one really cares at that point. As an instructor, it was my job to help people feel better about themselves as they learned a new skill or hobby. But I never had to work really - the dancing does it all by itself. And if you do it to have fun or to try something new, you'll get a lot out of it. If you're too serious and it becomes work, you've done something wrong. Even if you WANT to be the best dancer on the floor and are willing to work hard to get there, you should still be having fun with it. If you aren't, then you'll never be the best or achieve your goal. It'll mean nothing if you do. It's just a check mark. But if you allow yourself to enjoy it, whether or not you reach your goal, you'll be a much happier and content person. I'm not just saying all this because I'm biased or anything like that. I'm sharing my experience and my knowledge. I've been in the ballroom business off and on for the past 12 years. I've worked for a highly reputable company and been trained by the best. Through it all, one thing has remained constant: people take ballroom dancing not to learn how to dance but to have fun and get away from the monotony of our lives nowadays. And that's what is so priceless about it. And if you choose to learn from the best, it will be a bit pricier. But what you get from it, there is no value because it's THAT valuable. It's not like a car that you buy; cars will eventually break down. Even luxury cars don't last forever. Dancing gives you piece of mind, enjoyment, a feeling of accomplishment (let's face it, as adults it's hard to learn a new skill - but ballroom dancing is an activity that ANYONE can do) and you meet wonderful people. You become part of a very large and caring family. And for those of us who sometimes can't stand our biological families, our dancing family is a much welcome respite. Plus, when you get together, you dance! How cool is that?!
Okay, so I'll get off my little soap box now. :-)
Anyway, I have this idea for a story. There are a lot of very interesting characters in the ballroom dancing world. No, not everybody is perfect (like you might think from my previous paragraph) but they all have the same goal: to teach people how to dance and enjoy thier life. So I plan on using my experience to tell you about the real ballroom world; not the competitive one or the showy one that you see on TV - because the real one, it's so much better. Yes, there will be (and is) drama in the story but I want to show people that there is more to being an instructor or owing a business than just teaching. There are few people that are truly gifted to teach people how to ballroom dance - and some of the best teachers aren't the most showy or highly competitive dancers.
I hope to do my former business justice, while entertain everyone at the same time. Here's to hoping that my colleagues will like and accept what I put forth - if it ever gets published, that is. :-)
But I promise you that there will be "blood" on the dance floor - I have to hook you somehow into the story. And what's any good fiction story without a little murder? :-)
Yesterday was so exhausting! We have had shows before that weren't quite that exhausting. I don't know if it was because of the weekend or just the show itself, but I haven't been this tired in awhile. If (and that's a big if) I ever own my own school, I will have the day after a major show a holiday. It would be worth it to keep my instructors fresh, excited and relaxed. I keep thinking how they have to work today and how I so don't envy them.
So, by now you're wondering why I named this post "Blood on the Dance Floor" and I haven't said much about anything being bloody or anything. Well, that's the title of my next story. I have a great idea for a story on my experiences in the ballroom dancing world. It's not going to be a typical ballroom dancing story that you've seen in the movies lately. Ballroom dancing is really popular right now - as it should be always. I know, I know - I may be a little biased. But, seriously, what other form of dance or extra curricular activity makes you feel like you're perfect just the way you are - even if you're bad at it? Only those who focus on being perfect can find it like work. I do believe that each student should strive to be the best they can be but if you're not having fun, then it's not worth it. Even if you arent' the best dancer out there, if you're having a great time people will see that energy and life and be affected in the most positive way. The rest just kind of falls to the way side. No one really cares at that point. As an instructor, it was my job to help people feel better about themselves as they learned a new skill or hobby. But I never had to work really - the dancing does it all by itself. And if you do it to have fun or to try something new, you'll get a lot out of it. If you're too serious and it becomes work, you've done something wrong. Even if you WANT to be the best dancer on the floor and are willing to work hard to get there, you should still be having fun with it. If you aren't, then you'll never be the best or achieve your goal. It'll mean nothing if you do. It's just a check mark. But if you allow yourself to enjoy it, whether or not you reach your goal, you'll be a much happier and content person. I'm not just saying all this because I'm biased or anything like that. I'm sharing my experience and my knowledge. I've been in the ballroom business off and on for the past 12 years. I've worked for a highly reputable company and been trained by the best. Through it all, one thing has remained constant: people take ballroom dancing not to learn how to dance but to have fun and get away from the monotony of our lives nowadays. And that's what is so priceless about it. And if you choose to learn from the best, it will be a bit pricier. But what you get from it, there is no value because it's THAT valuable. It's not like a car that you buy; cars will eventually break down. Even luxury cars don't last forever. Dancing gives you piece of mind, enjoyment, a feeling of accomplishment (let's face it, as adults it's hard to learn a new skill - but ballroom dancing is an activity that ANYONE can do) and you meet wonderful people. You become part of a very large and caring family. And for those of us who sometimes can't stand our biological families, our dancing family is a much welcome respite. Plus, when you get together, you dance! How cool is that?!
Okay, so I'll get off my little soap box now. :-)
Anyway, I have this idea for a story. There are a lot of very interesting characters in the ballroom dancing world. No, not everybody is perfect (like you might think from my previous paragraph) but they all have the same goal: to teach people how to dance and enjoy thier life. So I plan on using my experience to tell you about the real ballroom world; not the competitive one or the showy one that you see on TV - because the real one, it's so much better. Yes, there will be (and is) drama in the story but I want to show people that there is more to being an instructor or owing a business than just teaching. There are few people that are truly gifted to teach people how to ballroom dance - and some of the best teachers aren't the most showy or highly competitive dancers.
I hope to do my former business justice, while entertain everyone at the same time. Here's to hoping that my colleagues will like and accept what I put forth - if it ever gets published, that is. :-)
But I promise you that there will be "blood" on the dance floor - I have to hook you somehow into the story. And what's any good fiction story without a little murder? :-)
5.03.2006
Post 110: WOO! HOO!
WOO HOO! YIPPEE! YEE HAW!
I'm so ecstatic that I'm trying to hold back the tears and all the emotions! I was so down on myself for the story I turned in Monday; my last one. I was resolved to be okay with the criticism I knew that I was definitely going to get. It was so not my best work and
Instead, I was so uplifted by my instructor. A few tweaks (and paying attention to my tense which has always hampered me) and she wants me to send it out! Woo Hoo! How can I continue to be so down on myself when she's given me so many good things and so much encouragement? I need to stop that.
So, right now, I'm totally Queen of the World!
I need to be more confident in my gifts, skills and talents. Today, I know that I am a good writer - and that means a lot to me. :-)
I'm so ecstatic that I'm trying to hold back the tears and all the emotions! I was so down on myself for the story I turned in Monday; my last one. I was resolved to be okay with the criticism I knew that I was definitely going to get. It was so not my best work and
Instead, I was so uplifted by my instructor. A few tweaks (and paying attention to my tense which has always hampered me) and she wants me to send it out! Woo Hoo! How can I continue to be so down on myself when she's given me so many good things and so much encouragement? I need to stop that.
So, right now, I'm totally Queen of the World!
I need to be more confident in my gifts, skills and talents. Today, I know that I am a good writer - and that means a lot to me. :-)
5.02.2006
Post 109: Beauty isn't something to be grasped
This is something that I'm still learning. I'm getting closer and closer to accepting myself as is. I've always had problems with beauty. I've struggled so much with trying to "feel" and "be" beautiful that I've missed out on a lot of things - because I already am beautiful.
You can get your chest enhanced, suck fat out of your body, get a face lift or tighten your skin unnaturally through botox. It doesn't make you more beautiful. If that's all you needed to be "beautiful" then we'd all have less problems. But because we fail to fix our inner beauty, all we show is our superficial looks. I have been so wrapped up in this my whole life. Though I think it's important to take care of yourself, it's more important to make sure you care for yourself. If you like you, then all the other stuff fits into place. You will look more confident and even prettier if you like who you are.
Last night, I completed a project that it turns out is very important for me. I made a "beauty poster." On this poster, I put a cut out of a very beautiful and provocative woman and added the title, "She may be an electric beauty, but..." Then, I took words cut out of magazines and made several "I am statements" in contrast with my title. A sampling of these are: 1) I am sexy and soft like my favorite flowers, tulips; I have great skin; I don't need to creat height, I am perfect at 5'1"; I have allure and class; I have the best body of my life right now; I am loose but strong; I am an American Beauty; There's a hot chick in the mirror, look - it's me! I am going to hang it on my wall and everytime I think I'm the worst person ever, am having a bad hair day or just feel ugly, I'm going to read those words and remind myself that no matter how I look or feel that day that I'm perfect right in that moment. God wouldn't have me any other way.
I encourage you, man or woman, to do something similar if you struggle with self-esteem. It's a reminder that you are perfect the way you are. It doesn't mean that we may not have issues to work through. What it does mean is that you are important enough to be worth the work. And, let me assure you, YOU ARE! Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. They aren't your friend or anybody that you should listen to.
Today I had lunch with a new friend that was surprised at my lack of self-esteem. I told her truthfully that I see a glow in my other friends that I just don't see in myself. I'm sure there are plenty of reasons why I feel this way but there shouldn't be. I, just like them, are created perfect in the eyes of God. We are prefectly flawed - and it's those flaws that make us perfect the way we are. I'm determined to believe that one day - even if today that seems impossible.
But after our lunch, I felt better about myself and how I see others. It lightened my heart that the same beauty I see in my friends, they also see in me. And then I remembered my poster; it says so much about who I am. And, to those reading this, the statements on my poster are not just talking about physical beauty but inner beauty, as well. Outward beauty is a reflection of what we are feeling inside. And now that I'm feeling more centered (though I realize that I'm not there yet and I have a lot of work yet to do), it's showing on the outside. I can vaguely see it. I know that I still may have set backs but there is one thing that she was totally and completely right about - I have a knack for surviving and getting through things. I've learned to lean on people when I can't do it myself and to follow through with what I know I have to do.
Following through is very new to me but I'm doing it - no matter how hard it is and if I can't see where it will lead me. It's a struggle but I can now see that it is a struggle that is necessary and will have positive consequences.
So don't let anyone ever tell you that you aren't beautiful the way you are (man or woman). Because you are GORGEOUS! :-)
You can get your chest enhanced, suck fat out of your body, get a face lift or tighten your skin unnaturally through botox. It doesn't make you more beautiful. If that's all you needed to be "beautiful" then we'd all have less problems. But because we fail to fix our inner beauty, all we show is our superficial looks. I have been so wrapped up in this my whole life. Though I think it's important to take care of yourself, it's more important to make sure you care for yourself. If you like you, then all the other stuff fits into place. You will look more confident and even prettier if you like who you are.
Last night, I completed a project that it turns out is very important for me. I made a "beauty poster." On this poster, I put a cut out of a very beautiful and provocative woman and added the title, "She may be an electric beauty, but..." Then, I took words cut out of magazines and made several "I am statements" in contrast with my title. A sampling of these are: 1) I am sexy and soft like my favorite flowers, tulips; I have great skin; I don't need to creat height, I am perfect at 5'1"; I have allure and class; I have the best body of my life right now; I am loose but strong; I am an American Beauty; There's a hot chick in the mirror, look - it's me! I am going to hang it on my wall and everytime I think I'm the worst person ever, am having a bad hair day or just feel ugly, I'm going to read those words and remind myself that no matter how I look or feel that day that I'm perfect right in that moment. God wouldn't have me any other way.
I encourage you, man or woman, to do something similar if you struggle with self-esteem. It's a reminder that you are perfect the way you are. It doesn't mean that we may not have issues to work through. What it does mean is that you are important enough to be worth the work. And, let me assure you, YOU ARE! Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. They aren't your friend or anybody that you should listen to.
Today I had lunch with a new friend that was surprised at my lack of self-esteem. I told her truthfully that I see a glow in my other friends that I just don't see in myself. I'm sure there are plenty of reasons why I feel this way but there shouldn't be. I, just like them, are created perfect in the eyes of God. We are prefectly flawed - and it's those flaws that make us perfect the way we are. I'm determined to believe that one day - even if today that seems impossible.
But after our lunch, I felt better about myself and how I see others. It lightened my heart that the same beauty I see in my friends, they also see in me. And then I remembered my poster; it says so much about who I am. And, to those reading this, the statements on my poster are not just talking about physical beauty but inner beauty, as well. Outward beauty is a reflection of what we are feeling inside. And now that I'm feeling more centered (though I realize that I'm not there yet and I have a lot of work yet to do), it's showing on the outside. I can vaguely see it. I know that I still may have set backs but there is one thing that she was totally and completely right about - I have a knack for surviving and getting through things. I've learned to lean on people when I can't do it myself and to follow through with what I know I have to do.
Following through is very new to me but I'm doing it - no matter how hard it is and if I can't see where it will lead me. It's a struggle but I can now see that it is a struggle that is necessary and will have positive consequences.
So don't let anyone ever tell you that you aren't beautiful the way you are (man or woman). Because you are GORGEOUS! :-)
5.01.2006
Post 108: Jesus, take the wheel
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Today was a test. A big test. I woke up to another problem added to my life. Though I don't know if it's completely solved, it seems to have at least taken on a positive.
I so had to search and search to find my center this weekend. I even followed through on re-arranging my space to be more conducive to relaxing, meditating, studying and worshiping. I felt like I'd accomplished something. Then I started another project yesterday that is almost finished. But I awoke to having to deal with yet another problem. I felt like the rug was totally pulled out from under me yet again. Every time I make a decision and truly follow through, it's usually met by an obstacle so my small victory is very short-lived. And that's what happened again today. Luckily, a solution may have been found and it shouldn't cost me a dime - a very, very welcome observation.
I'm still searching to find my center but I'm getting closer. And with each positive step I take, I know there may be another negative one behind it; but the positives will outweigh the negatives one day. I have to have faith that it will.
And I have to keep my patience. I'm really losing it. I can't stand being unstable - and I am unstable when it comes to life. It's not that I'm mentally unstable but professionally, personally - well, unstable is the only word for it. I can't even tell a guy that I like him - instead choosing to be jealous of every woman that talks to him when I'm around. How is that stable? I don't have a career - and I'm starting to be envious of all my friends, who all have some sort of career and stability in finances. I'm really quite tired of it all. To ad insult to injury, I'm the only one in my family with a four-year degree and they all make a lot more than me - a lot more. I'm starting to feel like a complete failure; I'm trying very hard not to feel this way but it's kinda hard when you're bombarded everyday with comments from family and friends about your life. "I just can't understand why you don't have a better job. Have you looked?" YES!!!! FOR MORE THAN A YEAR! "I just don't understand why you haven't dated yet. Don't you like anybody?" YES!!!! BUT THEY DON'T RETURN IT - OR ARE TOO AFRAID TO ASK A GIRL OUT, WHAT WITH FEMINISM AND ALL. And a host of other questions follow. All to which, I have no real answer.
I guess that today's events have left me a little bitter and uncertain. I finally had felt a tinge of positiveness even with the uncertainty of jobs, finances, career, men but it all came crashing down in an instant. Am I allowed to ever follow through on anything before the next thing comes crashing down? It would seem that my answer is yes. But I have to find a way to change that - I'm growing very impatient and concerned that I might just have to go insane in order to make things better. And going insane is not something I want to happen or look forward to.
And then, in the back of my mind, I find myself remembering that even with all my present shortcomings, there is always someone worse off than me. So now I feel even worse for feeling bad because I'm pretty rich and lucky to a lot of other people in the world.
I think that part of my problem is that I desire certain things to go well in my life finally so that I can be available to help people. Right now, I'm so stressed with having to deal with myself that I have no time to help anyone else - and I desperately want to be a person that when asked at the pearly gates if I loved well, can answer confidently, "YES!!!!"
Right now, I lack loving anybody else - and that's the worst feeling to have. So...
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Today was a test. A big test. I woke up to another problem added to my life. Though I don't know if it's completely solved, it seems to have at least taken on a positive.
I so had to search and search to find my center this weekend. I even followed through on re-arranging my space to be more conducive to relaxing, meditating, studying and worshiping. I felt like I'd accomplished something. Then I started another project yesterday that is almost finished. But I awoke to having to deal with yet another problem. I felt like the rug was totally pulled out from under me yet again. Every time I make a decision and truly follow through, it's usually met by an obstacle so my small victory is very short-lived. And that's what happened again today. Luckily, a solution may have been found and it shouldn't cost me a dime - a very, very welcome observation.
I'm still searching to find my center but I'm getting closer. And with each positive step I take, I know there may be another negative one behind it; but the positives will outweigh the negatives one day. I have to have faith that it will.
And I have to keep my patience. I'm really losing it. I can't stand being unstable - and I am unstable when it comes to life. It's not that I'm mentally unstable but professionally, personally - well, unstable is the only word for it. I can't even tell a guy that I like him - instead choosing to be jealous of every woman that talks to him when I'm around. How is that stable? I don't have a career - and I'm starting to be envious of all my friends, who all have some sort of career and stability in finances. I'm really quite tired of it all. To ad insult to injury, I'm the only one in my family with a four-year degree and they all make a lot more than me - a lot more. I'm starting to feel like a complete failure; I'm trying very hard not to feel this way but it's kinda hard when you're bombarded everyday with comments from family and friends about your life. "I just can't understand why you don't have a better job. Have you looked?" YES!!!! FOR MORE THAN A YEAR! "I just don't understand why you haven't dated yet. Don't you like anybody?" YES!!!! BUT THEY DON'T RETURN IT - OR ARE TOO AFRAID TO ASK A GIRL OUT, WHAT WITH FEMINISM AND ALL. And a host of other questions follow. All to which, I have no real answer.
I guess that today's events have left me a little bitter and uncertain. I finally had felt a tinge of positiveness even with the uncertainty of jobs, finances, career, men but it all came crashing down in an instant. Am I allowed to ever follow through on anything before the next thing comes crashing down? It would seem that my answer is yes. But I have to find a way to change that - I'm growing very impatient and concerned that I might just have to go insane in order to make things better. And going insane is not something I want to happen or look forward to.
And then, in the back of my mind, I find myself remembering that even with all my present shortcomings, there is always someone worse off than me. So now I feel even worse for feeling bad because I'm pretty rich and lucky to a lot of other people in the world.
I think that part of my problem is that I desire certain things to go well in my life finally so that I can be available to help people. Right now, I'm so stressed with having to deal with myself that I have no time to help anyone else - and I desperately want to be a person that when asked at the pearly gates if I loved well, can answer confidently, "YES!!!!"
Right now, I lack loving anybody else - and that's the worst feeling to have. So...
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
4.24.2006
Post 107: New Beginnings
I have made a bold decision today: I sent an e-mail to a new friend about a situation that is on my heart. It has nothing to do with her specifically but she needed to know about it. I haven't heard back yet, and though there is a possibility that she will be surprised at my candidness, I'm not worried about her response. She knows that I find her to be a good friend of mine and don't mean any harm to her. And, in the e-mail that I responded to, she sent me this encouraging verse:
"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." Isaiah 64:4.
How true the above is. But I sometimes think that all I'm ever doing is waiting. Don't you feel that way sometimes? To truly have faith in Him and to trust Him means that I have to wait more and worry less. We all worry way too much. I'm a big worrier. I try not to be and I am learning to be better and letting go. But, let's face it: sometimes we want to worry so it makes us feel like we're doing something. And why do we feel the need to always do something? Can't we let God do the work for us? It would make our lives so much simpler if we never ever knew what the word worry meant. If that word never ever existed, I'm convinced that we'd all be much healthier and live so much better. But we feel the need to worry about everything, even the miniscule stuff. You know, I really like the saying, "Don't sweat the small stuff; and it's all small stuff." It's one of the truest statements I've ever heard. It's all small stuff.
So, while I'm waiting for God to answer me in some of the issues I'm having right now, I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff. Going back to Isaiah 64:4, God is going to act in my life. I don't know in what way or when but He will do everything to my benefit - even if it means going through this heartbrokenness, being embarrased by my feelings and "wearing my heart on my sleeve." I know that I'm growing and that I've been growing a lot in the last year. I can't handle keeping things so locked up anymore; and though it may cause me a bit of grief to let them out, it's pressure released and a more centered me.
And, boy, do I feel so much better. :-)
"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." Isaiah 64:4.
How true the above is. But I sometimes think that all I'm ever doing is waiting. Don't you feel that way sometimes? To truly have faith in Him and to trust Him means that I have to wait more and worry less. We all worry way too much. I'm a big worrier. I try not to be and I am learning to be better and letting go. But, let's face it: sometimes we want to worry so it makes us feel like we're doing something. And why do we feel the need to always do something? Can't we let God do the work for us? It would make our lives so much simpler if we never ever knew what the word worry meant. If that word never ever existed, I'm convinced that we'd all be much healthier and live so much better. But we feel the need to worry about everything, even the miniscule stuff. You know, I really like the saying, "Don't sweat the small stuff; and it's all small stuff." It's one of the truest statements I've ever heard. It's all small stuff.
So, while I'm waiting for God to answer me in some of the issues I'm having right now, I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff. Going back to Isaiah 64:4, God is going to act in my life. I don't know in what way or when but He will do everything to my benefit - even if it means going through this heartbrokenness, being embarrased by my feelings and "wearing my heart on my sleeve." I know that I'm growing and that I've been growing a lot in the last year. I can't handle keeping things so locked up anymore; and though it may cause me a bit of grief to let them out, it's pressure released and a more centered me.
And, boy, do I feel so much better. :-)
4.23.2006
Heartache reborn...but mending
I give myself enough heartache to last through seven lifetimes. I jump to conclusions and allow myself to feel like I'm the worst person in the world and that no one should ever be able to call me their friend. I don't feel I deserve them more than half the time. It gets hard and lonely and you sometimes would rather be alone - this is coming from a bonafide extravert. Or am I really an introvert who's covering as an extrovert? In either case, I don't think I'm happy sometimes unless I'm unhappy. Wow...that really may be true. Can I come to your couch, Dr. Phil? I think I need therapy.
Actually, I think we all do - need a little therapy. It isn't wrong or shameful. We live in a world that needs openness but it is nowhere to be found. Instead we're taught to keep it inside and not show it. You see, it might make us look vulnerable and we just can't have that now, can we? We'd create a ripple in the circle of life so great that it would crumble the foundation this planet is built on - or so society would tell you.
But really, that's all nonsense. What's killing us is this very idea. The more we keep things inside, the more we crack the foundation. See, when you bottle something up too long, it starts building this pressure up and...eventually...there's too much pressure and we explode as violently as the volcano that covered that ancient city of Pompeii years ago. It's destructive and violent and squeezes every ounce of life from your body, mind and soul. It's like a rat chewing through a shoestring. It has no nutritional value but it's something to chew. It won't feed him but it will give him something to do. And that's so harmful.
That's the kind of world that we live in - but we can do something about it. I can do something about it. So though I'm a bit heartbroken, and maybe from something that I shouldn't be, I can choose to move on. We all have a choice. I even had a choice tonight in where I put these thoughts. I could use a journal, start a new story or type it on my blog - which is obviously the one I felt was the best tonight. I also chose who to speak these thoughts to; I opened myself up to whomever should find my little piece of the internet. And I'm choosing how to word it so as to be real and not fake.
And I choose to get over this feeling that has been eating me for the past, well, exactly 24 hours. I'm putting it aside - I'm not hiding it. I am so very, very lucky - why? Because I have friends who know when I'm hiding and will call me out. They won't let me berate myself or think badly of myself. They remind me that I'm beautiful - and yes, I need to be reminded that I am beautiful. I have issues, man. That is one of them. Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Am I fit enough? Am I funny enough? Am I strong enough? Am I vulnerable enough? These are the issues of a 30 year old woman who has never had a boyfriend, a career that satisfies her and wonders if she's living at all; a woman who's friends know her better than she knows herself. And so, sometimes, I have to be reminded that I'm beautiful just being slightly psychotic, mostly self-conscious, petite, brunette, hazel-eyed, fun-loving and worrisome me.
Tonight, I am going to bed not changed or reborn or even knowing if I'm going to feel better or worse in the morning. No...I'm going to bed a completely messed up person who may never be perfect or understand why God created her, but she knows tomorrow is another day and God has already forgiven her for everything she's going to do wrong. She knows that His days are a new life into itself.
So, tomorrow is a new life for me. Will I be a writer? A caterer? A dancer? A sportscaster? A business owner? A wife? A mother? Really, I have no clue...until I wake up on the other side of this night. But no matter where tomorrow takes me, I have the knowledge that I'm alive. A little heartbroken...but mending.
Actually, I think we all do - need a little therapy. It isn't wrong or shameful. We live in a world that needs openness but it is nowhere to be found. Instead we're taught to keep it inside and not show it. You see, it might make us look vulnerable and we just can't have that now, can we? We'd create a ripple in the circle of life so great that it would crumble the foundation this planet is built on - or so society would tell you.
But really, that's all nonsense. What's killing us is this very idea. The more we keep things inside, the more we crack the foundation. See, when you bottle something up too long, it starts building this pressure up and...eventually...there's too much pressure and we explode as violently as the volcano that covered that ancient city of Pompeii years ago. It's destructive and violent and squeezes every ounce of life from your body, mind and soul. It's like a rat chewing through a shoestring. It has no nutritional value but it's something to chew. It won't feed him but it will give him something to do. And that's so harmful.
That's the kind of world that we live in - but we can do something about it. I can do something about it. So though I'm a bit heartbroken, and maybe from something that I shouldn't be, I can choose to move on. We all have a choice. I even had a choice tonight in where I put these thoughts. I could use a journal, start a new story or type it on my blog - which is obviously the one I felt was the best tonight. I also chose who to speak these thoughts to; I opened myself up to whomever should find my little piece of the internet. And I'm choosing how to word it so as to be real and not fake.
And I choose to get over this feeling that has been eating me for the past, well, exactly 24 hours. I'm putting it aside - I'm not hiding it. I am so very, very lucky - why? Because I have friends who know when I'm hiding and will call me out. They won't let me berate myself or think badly of myself. They remind me that I'm beautiful - and yes, I need to be reminded that I am beautiful. I have issues, man. That is one of them. Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Am I fit enough? Am I funny enough? Am I strong enough? Am I vulnerable enough? These are the issues of a 30 year old woman who has never had a boyfriend, a career that satisfies her and wonders if she's living at all; a woman who's friends know her better than she knows herself. And so, sometimes, I have to be reminded that I'm beautiful just being slightly psychotic, mostly self-conscious, petite, brunette, hazel-eyed, fun-loving and worrisome me.
Tonight, I am going to bed not changed or reborn or even knowing if I'm going to feel better or worse in the morning. No...I'm going to bed a completely messed up person who may never be perfect or understand why God created her, but she knows tomorrow is another day and God has already forgiven her for everything she's going to do wrong. She knows that His days are a new life into itself.
So, tomorrow is a new life for me. Will I be a writer? A caterer? A dancer? A sportscaster? A business owner? A wife? A mother? Really, I have no clue...until I wake up on the other side of this night. But no matter where tomorrow takes me, I have the knowledge that I'm alive. A little heartbroken...but mending.
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