The dishes in the dishwasher are put away, the dirty ones are now in the dishwasher and the beef enchilada filling is cooking in the slow cooker. I'm now sitting on my couch, my 49er blanket on my lap, watching a TV show and a plethora of thoughts suddenly came to me that I have to write down.
I had a great weekend...okay, so most of my days right now are like an extended weekend because I'm not working at the moment...because I spent it with a lot of friends. The only two friends I think I didn't see was April & Jason (well, of the ones that I'm closest with, anyway). Each event had it's own fun little theme to it and it got me to thinking. I truly have a very different, amazing, ecclectic, intelligent, talented, supportive, strong, faithful group of friends. There are so many ways that we are similar and so many ways that we're all very, very different. The journey that I've been on with them has been surreal at times....in good and bad ways. There have been hills, vallies, mountains, deep waters, straight and curvy roads...but they all have been marked with growth, sometimes together and sometimes apart.
I have to admit that I haven't always "rolled with the punches" or taken any changes well. But I don't have any regrets...and that's what inspired me to write this. I think we all wish that we made certain decisions that we didn't...it would've saved us a lot of heartache. But then we would have stunted our growth....so I don't regret anything.
What I do want though is to always keep in mind who my friends really are - that I always treat them with respect for being different or the same as me in ways...that I accept them always for who they are and not who I want them to be. That would be very selfish, and very human, for me to do or want.
And I hope that - no I know that - my friends feel the same about me. I am accepted for who I am, whether I change or stay the same.
I guess that I'm a little sentimental today after such a "friendly" weekend. I could possibly find a job elsewhere, far away from anyone I know. That's scary but something that many times I'm starting to believe: she's told me that I have a wonderful ability to make good friends wherever I go and she's been a witness to that firsthand. As I think about the friends I've made, there have only been a handful that were not good friends. For the most part, I am surrounded by a lot of amazing people. I see now that I've always had that blessing, not just here in Indiana.
So wherever I end up, I know there will be friends there - they just don't know me yet. :-)
1.25.2010
1.16.2010
Football vs. Soccer
Okay, so I'm a 33 yr. old petite woman who still loves sports. I have my favorites (which a lot of my friends oppose...and that's the nice way of saying it) just like everyone else. But I don't actually know exactly why I love one sport more than another. Some just entertain me and some don't.
What's funny about being 33 and not knowing this is that a 4 yr. old knows exactly why he hates football and why he loves soccer (futbol, for those who aren't American). I asked him why he wasn't wanting to watch the Colts game with his mom and I. He said, "I hate football. I hate all sports. I only like soccer." I asked him why. "Because I only like to kick." I laughed pretty hard. If you happen to know this 4 yr. old, you would've laughed too because he does like to kick...hence that's why he likes soccer over football, or any other sport.
Hmmm...sometimes I wonder if we just need to think like a 4 yr. old. As adults, we tend to make things much more complicated than it needs to be. Kids just like things and do things because they like them. So why is it so hard for us to do the same? Even God asked us to come to Him like little children. Why? Because the best things and the most worthy things in life are the simple things, the little things. Life is not supposed to be a calculus problem. It's supposed to be simple addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. And yet, we try to come up with complicated formulas to figure out the most basic things in life.
Do something because you like it.
Do something because you're good at it.
Do something because it helps someone.
Do something because it's right.
Do something because it makes you or others happy.
Do something because it makes this world a better place.
Don't ask the same questions over and over.
Don't think for days or months or years on end.
Don't just plan.
Don't wait.
Don't keep making the same list.
I think Nike said it best: Just do it.
Go for it. Reach for it. Grab it. Make it yours.
So much power in so many little words...and yet we miss the message. I missed the message.
Not anymore. Not in 2010....or 2020....or 2030...or 2040...or 2050...or even after, assuming I'm still alive after that. I will be 74 in 2050; that's a neat thing to think about. I hope by then I'll look back at 2010 and see that I changed my life for the better and lived a life with fewer regrets than before because...
...I just did it. I found my soccer and I just kept kicking. :-)
What's funny about being 33 and not knowing this is that a 4 yr. old knows exactly why he hates football and why he loves soccer (futbol, for those who aren't American). I asked him why he wasn't wanting to watch the Colts game with his mom and I. He said, "I hate football. I hate all sports. I only like soccer." I asked him why. "Because I only like to kick." I laughed pretty hard. If you happen to know this 4 yr. old, you would've laughed too because he does like to kick...hence that's why he likes soccer over football, or any other sport.
Hmmm...sometimes I wonder if we just need to think like a 4 yr. old. As adults, we tend to make things much more complicated than it needs to be. Kids just like things and do things because they like them. So why is it so hard for us to do the same? Even God asked us to come to Him like little children. Why? Because the best things and the most worthy things in life are the simple things, the little things. Life is not supposed to be a calculus problem. It's supposed to be simple addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. And yet, we try to come up with complicated formulas to figure out the most basic things in life.
Do something because you like it.
Do something because you're good at it.
Do something because it helps someone.
Do something because it's right.
Do something because it makes you or others happy.
Do something because it makes this world a better place.
Don't ask the same questions over and over.
Don't think for days or months or years on end.
Don't just plan.
Don't wait.
Don't keep making the same list.
I think Nike said it best: Just do it.
Go for it. Reach for it. Grab it. Make it yours.
So much power in so many little words...and yet we miss the message. I missed the message.
Not anymore. Not in 2010....or 2020....or 2030...or 2040...or 2050...or even after, assuming I'm still alive after that. I will be 74 in 2050; that's a neat thing to think about. I hope by then I'll look back at 2010 and see that I changed my life for the better and lived a life with fewer regrets than before because...
...I just did it. I found my soccer and I just kept kicking. :-)
1.14.2010
Smile
Today in my life I can see a lot of things without a smile on my face. I can get down on myself (which, I confess, is easy for me to do) very easily for being laid off at my job, still having debt and not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring. I'm 33 with a one bedroom apartment, no boyfriend (not even dating), no kids, no pets, no career, not much moolah in the bank...and I can go on. I have so many things that I can choose to keep a smile from gracing my face.
In my previous post I talked about love; not just having it but living it. Being love and pursuing love for real; not settling for anything less for yourself, for others or of yourself.
Well, that goes for smiling, too. A little confused? Yeah, I hear ya...but hear me. A smile is such an incredible tool to have. A smile has the amazing gift to turn what is the worst thought, situation or feeling completely around. There is nothing that a smile can't cure. So why is it so hard to do? Why do we let ourselves hide our smiles? I hide mine all the time...everyday. There are moments that I smile during the day...but you know what? Today was different. I smiled all day long...and you know what else? It wasn't hard! It was easy! How about them apples? Everytime I thought about my situation (since I have a lot of time on my hands, it's easy to just think a lot), I didn't let myself get too far until I made myself smile. That's all I did: smile. No reason. I just did it. And you know what? Though I couldn't see it, I felt it. It changed my mood and I focused on the positive.
So, my challenge to you? Next time you feel down, make yourself smile...for no reason. And if that doesn't work, think of something or someone who makes you smile. Then just smile. Or find a movie, song, joke that makes you smile.
I've written just the chorus to my new favorite song (for right now) here. It's "Smile" by Uncle Cracker. These lyrics make me smile. :-)
You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed
Sing like a bird
Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold
Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile.
Last thought on smiling...the more you do it, the better you are at, the more people around you will see it, the more they'll do it, too...the more they'll smile back at you.
That makes you (and me) smile more. It's a glorious cycle, this smiling.
By the way, I've been smiling since the first word of this blog. :-)
In my previous post I talked about love; not just having it but living it. Being love and pursuing love for real; not settling for anything less for yourself, for others or of yourself.
Well, that goes for smiling, too. A little confused? Yeah, I hear ya...but hear me. A smile is such an incredible tool to have. A smile has the amazing gift to turn what is the worst thought, situation or feeling completely around. There is nothing that a smile can't cure. So why is it so hard to do? Why do we let ourselves hide our smiles? I hide mine all the time...everyday. There are moments that I smile during the day...but you know what? Today was different. I smiled all day long...and you know what else? It wasn't hard! It was easy! How about them apples? Everytime I thought about my situation (since I have a lot of time on my hands, it's easy to just think a lot), I didn't let myself get too far until I made myself smile. That's all I did: smile. No reason. I just did it. And you know what? Though I couldn't see it, I felt it. It changed my mood and I focused on the positive.
So, my challenge to you? Next time you feel down, make yourself smile...for no reason. And if that doesn't work, think of something or someone who makes you smile. Then just smile. Or find a movie, song, joke that makes you smile.
I've written just the chorus to my new favorite song (for right now) here. It's "Smile" by Uncle Cracker. These lyrics make me smile. :-)
You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed
Sing like a bird
Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold
Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile.
Last thought on smiling...the more you do it, the better you are at, the more people around you will see it, the more they'll do it, too...the more they'll smile back at you.
That makes you (and me) smile more. It's a glorious cycle, this smiling.
By the way, I've been smiling since the first word of this blog. :-)
1.12.2010
Love, don't let it go
I've been writing a lot lately...it's come and gone at times in the last week but it's there. It's something that I truly love to do. But what I love about it is that I get to create something new. Some of the words are the same and some are new...but it's always a different story, with different people, and different situations. Lately, I've been inspired to write about relationships between men and women...something that I've not done a lot of before. And I've concluded something.
Before I say what...I want to point out a few things. Our lives are surrounded by this subject constantly and consistently. Even if you think you don't have it, I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but you do. Everyone has someone to love them or something to love. Don't just apply that love to people: it could be animals, a job, a charity, whatever. We all love something.
And we also look for love and make our lives about love. Just look at our media industry - we write, film, record, discuss, buy, sell love in books, plays, movies, musicals, online dating, speed dating, dating services. We are obsessed with love, finding it, exploring, learning about it, desiring it, wanting it, forcing it.
Here's one thing that I'm not sure a lot of us have a handle on when it comes to love: living it. For some - or dare I say, most - once we find it, we've forgotten how to live it. Truly live it. I'm not talking about for awhile; just during the butterflies. I'm talking about forever; constant; consistent; unconditional; unashamed; disciplined; all-consuming; passionate; beautiful love.
I've known a lot of people who have taken love for granted, whether that was with a person or something else. I've also known people who cherish it for what it is. The problem is that there is an increasing amount of negative love out there that we are seeing; that people are portraying as real love. And it isn't. Love is not a word to throw around. It's a word that should mean a whole heck of a lot when said.
It's not to be said in real life just out of emotion. It has to meant and felt and lived. Lived. Alive. Action; not just words. Saying it and showing it are not mutually exclusive; they are mutually active.
That's the kind of love that I want to have; to find; to be to someone; to be to me.
If you have that now, hold onto it. Nurture it. Treat it well. Don't "get used" to it. Keep it fresh. Keep it important. Do little things in addition to the big things.
If you don't have it yet, look for this kind of love. Don't settle for less. Find the real thing. Hold out for it. But, first, learn to give it. Giving it is the most important thing; the next is receiving. It's amazing how it works that way.
I have not found love with a man; not this kind of love. But I've found one even better: with God, my Jesus, His Holy Spirit. He is the greatest Love. And He is the first example, the best example of this perfect love I'm talking about.
It's livable and doable - even for us humans, the imperfect.
I'm holding out for no less than the love that God has for me and I for Him.
That's what came to me today while I was writing...one of my true loves...of which I have found again. It's good to have one of my loves back...and it's teaching me how to love again.
Before I say what...I want to point out a few things. Our lives are surrounded by this subject constantly and consistently. Even if you think you don't have it, I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but you do. Everyone has someone to love them or something to love. Don't just apply that love to people: it could be animals, a job, a charity, whatever. We all love something.
And we also look for love and make our lives about love. Just look at our media industry - we write, film, record, discuss, buy, sell love in books, plays, movies, musicals, online dating, speed dating, dating services. We are obsessed with love, finding it, exploring, learning about it, desiring it, wanting it, forcing it.
Here's one thing that I'm not sure a lot of us have a handle on when it comes to love: living it. For some - or dare I say, most - once we find it, we've forgotten how to live it. Truly live it. I'm not talking about for awhile; just during the butterflies. I'm talking about forever; constant; consistent; unconditional; unashamed; disciplined; all-consuming; passionate; beautiful love.
I've known a lot of people who have taken love for granted, whether that was with a person or something else. I've also known people who cherish it for what it is. The problem is that there is an increasing amount of negative love out there that we are seeing; that people are portraying as real love. And it isn't. Love is not a word to throw around. It's a word that should mean a whole heck of a lot when said.
It's not to be said in real life just out of emotion. It has to meant and felt and lived. Lived. Alive. Action; not just words. Saying it and showing it are not mutually exclusive; they are mutually active.
That's the kind of love that I want to have; to find; to be to someone; to be to me.
If you have that now, hold onto it. Nurture it. Treat it well. Don't "get used" to it. Keep it fresh. Keep it important. Do little things in addition to the big things.
If you don't have it yet, look for this kind of love. Don't settle for less. Find the real thing. Hold out for it. But, first, learn to give it. Giving it is the most important thing; the next is receiving. It's amazing how it works that way.
I have not found love with a man; not this kind of love. But I've found one even better: with God, my Jesus, His Holy Spirit. He is the greatest Love. And He is the first example, the best example of this perfect love I'm talking about.
It's livable and doable - even for us humans, the imperfect.
I'm holding out for no less than the love that God has for me and I for Him.
That's what came to me today while I was writing...one of my true loves...of which I have found again. It's good to have one of my loves back...and it's teaching me how to love again.
1.04.2010
Musings of a laid off lady
OH, blog, I have been away so long. There has been much to say but no words to truly write...though I have been doing a lot of writing. It started with a re-emergence of an old story, a new came to me in a dream, and just today another idea came rushing into my head. It's funny though...all three have to do with relationships. They have to do with choosing, making decisions on what's right or wrong, ethical or unethical, Godly or ungodly, want or need, which man/which woman to choose, truly which path to take.
And then it dawned on me...all these stories in my head, these relationships, the situations that these people are in are so very real and so very much what my life is about, at least right now. Exploring them and ruminating, even dreaming, about the stories/the people in them, has just opened my eyes to a new world...a world that a lot choose to hide from...because it's messy. And then the second thing dawned on me...it's something that I used to hide from...the messy of relationships. Of course, I've also messed up some of them...they all haven't been the fault of others involved; I'm not silly enough or in denial enough to think that my pretty little hands weren't involved in some way to ruin them.
But at the end of the day, none of us are perfect. No one escapes failures and flaws and everyone has thier messes to clean up.
Right now, I'm looking for a job...but what I truly desire is to take all the stories that are in this head and put them to paper and have people read them, and enjoy them, and be touched by them, and not judge me for them, and love the risks I take with them, and hate that I don't risk enough in some. I want it all...the good, the bad, the ugly...because I want people to feel something when they read something of mine...whether it's pain because the words I've written opened a wound they would just as soon keep hidden, or make them cry and laugh tears of joy (yes, you can laugh tears of joy, I've done it many times, you should try it...it feels amazing) because they are so touched by the words on the page.
But I also want those same words to inspire people to live...to live in ways that I have not. To not be afraid of who you are - the good, the bad, the ugly - and to celebrate it - yes, fix what needs to be fixed - and to not be ashamed of it.
Well, I've begun to do that. In fact, I started the first one on Jan. 2, 2010. I like hats. Always have. Rarely worn. So, when I went shopping, I wore my black newspaper boy hat with a buckle on it. All day, I was complemented. Seriously! I even had a lady in line at Best Buy follow me to the check out register and proceeded to gush over my said hat and how cute I looked in it all while I was purchasing my items. An entire conversation transpired - all of the two minutes it took to purchase my items - just because of my hat. So, yesterday, when I was using a gift card at Charlotte Russe and had a few dollars left on it, I went back to where the hats were and picked up the one I had tried on three times in the 20 minutes I was in the store. I wore it today...all day. I wasn't out much...just to the airport and back...but I enjoyed wearing it. It was one little thing that made me happy and made me, well, a little more me.
And now, while writing on my blog for the first time in this decade, my head keeps thinking back to that new story, the third one, that I have thought of...and you know what I've realized about it? It's a screenplay. It isn't a short story at all. It's meant to be acted. I've never written a screen play. I've written a play and started a screen play...but never finished it. Probably because it wasn't the right story. Yeah, that just came to me, too. :-) It wasn't the right story; but this one is. And there are only four characters, two of which will take up the majority of the play/movie, etc. Hmmm...funny how sometimes when you're just writing your thoughts down...a story emerges and the dominoes that wouldn't fall for the longest time start falling. Wow...kinda nice when that happens and you think of yourself as a writer....it gives you hope that you just might be. At least, someday. :-)
And then it dawned on me...all these stories in my head, these relationships, the situations that these people are in are so very real and so very much what my life is about, at least right now. Exploring them and ruminating, even dreaming, about the stories/the people in them, has just opened my eyes to a new world...a world that a lot choose to hide from...because it's messy. And then the second thing dawned on me...it's something that I used to hide from...the messy of relationships. Of course, I've also messed up some of them...they all haven't been the fault of others involved; I'm not silly enough or in denial enough to think that my pretty little hands weren't involved in some way to ruin them.
But at the end of the day, none of us are perfect. No one escapes failures and flaws and everyone has thier messes to clean up.
Right now, I'm looking for a job...but what I truly desire is to take all the stories that are in this head and put them to paper and have people read them, and enjoy them, and be touched by them, and not judge me for them, and love the risks I take with them, and hate that I don't risk enough in some. I want it all...the good, the bad, the ugly...because I want people to feel something when they read something of mine...whether it's pain because the words I've written opened a wound they would just as soon keep hidden, or make them cry and laugh tears of joy (yes, you can laugh tears of joy, I've done it many times, you should try it...it feels amazing) because they are so touched by the words on the page.
But I also want those same words to inspire people to live...to live in ways that I have not. To not be afraid of who you are - the good, the bad, the ugly - and to celebrate it - yes, fix what needs to be fixed - and to not be ashamed of it.
Well, I've begun to do that. In fact, I started the first one on Jan. 2, 2010. I like hats. Always have. Rarely worn. So, when I went shopping, I wore my black newspaper boy hat with a buckle on it. All day, I was complemented. Seriously! I even had a lady in line at Best Buy follow me to the check out register and proceeded to gush over my said hat and how cute I looked in it all while I was purchasing my items. An entire conversation transpired - all of the two minutes it took to purchase my items - just because of my hat. So, yesterday, when I was using a gift card at Charlotte Russe and had a few dollars left on it, I went back to where the hats were and picked up the one I had tried on three times in the 20 minutes I was in the store. I wore it today...all day. I wasn't out much...just to the airport and back...but I enjoyed wearing it. It was one little thing that made me happy and made me, well, a little more me.
And now, while writing on my blog for the first time in this decade, my head keeps thinking back to that new story, the third one, that I have thought of...and you know what I've realized about it? It's a screenplay. It isn't a short story at all. It's meant to be acted. I've never written a screen play. I've written a play and started a screen play...but never finished it. Probably because it wasn't the right story. Yeah, that just came to me, too. :-) It wasn't the right story; but this one is. And there are only four characters, two of which will take up the majority of the play/movie, etc. Hmmm...funny how sometimes when you're just writing your thoughts down...a story emerges and the dominoes that wouldn't fall for the longest time start falling. Wow...kinda nice when that happens and you think of yourself as a writer....it gives you hope that you just might be. At least, someday. :-)
11.17.2009
Daydreams & Nightmares
Today was a bit crazy but altogether not bad...kinda fun. However, it ended with the possibility that I needed to buy 4 new tires. Yes, all four were low for the third time in the last month. The front driver side tire was almost completely flat. At this point, I figured that filling the tires up again was not going to help; that there must be holes in them that at the least needed to be patched.
Sitting in Meineke, texting a few friends, my spirit just started to sink again. I just didn't know how I would react or feel if something else went horribly wrong with anything...but especially with my car, since I have to drive four hours at night on Thursday to Northern Indiana for a dear friends wedding. It just wasn't what I wanted to deal with right now...or even in the near future. Then thoughts of me driving on really bad tires at night and having a blowout, thus rolling my car several times and ending up in the hospital either seriously hurt or in a coma penetrated my brain. Yes, this is literally what I thought about sitting in Meineke waiting for the diagnosis - the worse possible scenario in this situation.
Luckily, the diagnosis was completely positive...what was wrong with my tires? The pin in the core of the valve that you fill the tire with air were loose (unscrewed). It actually needs a special tool to get inside there and tighten them up. They all were just loose so everytime I put air in the tires, it was only a quick fix. The tires were leaking internally because of the loose valve core. Ha! And they didn't charge me for it! Plus, they checked all the tires well. How random is something like? The core of a tire valve is loose? I didn't even know that there was something in the valve that had to stay screwed in...I only thought the cap had to stay tigtened. Go figure.
Anyway, it was a small blessing in a time of uncertainties. However, the minor drama took a lot out of me. This little head of mine has a mind of it's own sometimes...and having the thoughts I did scared me a little. I literally have a tendency to scare myself...but it's also something that I continually learn from. It's like it's an oxymoron: a nightmarish daydream.
But my head has always been that way: imaginative in many ways. I can come up with the most beautiful thoughts sometimes. I've written some of them down; but some I have kept completely to myself. They are so memorable that I don't need to write them down. On the other hand, and without meaning to, some of the worst things can come to my head - the bad stuff of life. I know a lot of it is due to the things around me: media, tv, murder, rape, suicide, war, the pure evil you can see in this world. Sometimes I'm able to put it all in perspective, though. There are times where these negative thoughts begin to scare me but it stops and instead, God intervenes and teaches me something through it. He uses the bad to help me find the good.
Tonight, though I had other plans, my plans were interrupted. And though some won't understand this, I needed to reflect upon why I am the way I am sometimes and why sometimes the little things really throw me off. I took a good long look at myself: I saw the really ugly...but what's more is that I saw the really beautiful.
I got home at around 7:30 p.m...not too late to keep my plans but late enough that I listened to my inner voice. I know that I need to take care of a few things in myself right now. So, I came home and relaxed. About 30 minutes ago, I started to really see a few things...and it took a tv show to show me the path that I needed to work on first. That's when I came to my computer and started to do some research and to truly open my mind to think, really think about my priorities. I have so many; but I'm realizing that none of them are really in the right place on the list.
Truly, they aren't. There are a few in the right slots; but not many. So, priorities, number one. Number two, Faith. Hebrews, Chapter 11...all of it. I've been telling a lot around me that I have so many uncertainties but that God is asking me to be patient and faithful. I have seen now that faith is two things that I'm struggling with: sure and certain. Hebrews 11:3 - By faith we understand that the universe was formd at God's comman, that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. (NIV) Hmmmm....so, right now, I know this is a verse that I have to study, to meditate on, and pray over. The one thing I do know about this verse is that it is a reminder that God made something of nothing; creation was created out of what God commanded. It had not existed before. Translation to my life in particular (or anyone struggling wiht the same thing I am)? Though I can't see what's coming and can only see what's seen, it may hamper me but not God. He is not hampered by what is seen and what is not seen...because He can create anything...just like He has given me a gift to create with my imagination. And what's more, I have a choice of what I create and what bring into existance. I have a lot of other choices, too: like what I decide to do everyday, how I work or don't, how I clean my apartment or don't, how I eat or don't, how I workout or don't, and how, which is the most important, how I choose Him over everything else.
Three, with that realization, I then asked myself, "Well, do I choose Him over everything everytime I make a decision?" I am sad to say that I do not. More often than not, I choose what "I" think is best for "me." There are times that I even know so clearly what God wants me to choose, what the right choice is, but I disobediently choose the wrong one - because I want to. I did it tonight...and clearly knew I was in the wrong. It then created in me and my big, imaginative head things that shouldn't have been there...that I should not have allowed there. But it didn't devastate me because I was able to shoe it away as quickly as it came. In that moment, I realized that I am truly a different person in so many ways. I wondered why there are some things that we just can't see in ourselves or each other unless something random (like needing the core in your tire valves tightened) to see the work that God has done in you and is doing in you. It's an amazing realization...and I feel kinda like there are these arms around me telling me that though I've made, am making and will make many more mistakes that 1) they will be less and less as I grow and learn, and 2) that thought there are so many uncertainties right now in my life (and in others') that He can see the unseen and that's all I need to know.
Oh, and that this big, imaginative head of mine is a gift. I have to see it as such...treat it as such,...use it as such...and choose to give it over everyday to God. The daydreams. The nightmares. They all need to go to Him, immediately...and it's my job (my choice) to give them up no matter how good or bad they may be. He'll to what's right with them.
So now, I'm ready to go to bed and am not afraid to dream. In fact, he wants me to dream and plan and pursue the desires of my heart that He has given me....to know which ones those are. And I do; tonight, He has shown me. :-)
Sitting in Meineke, texting a few friends, my spirit just started to sink again. I just didn't know how I would react or feel if something else went horribly wrong with anything...but especially with my car, since I have to drive four hours at night on Thursday to Northern Indiana for a dear friends wedding. It just wasn't what I wanted to deal with right now...or even in the near future. Then thoughts of me driving on really bad tires at night and having a blowout, thus rolling my car several times and ending up in the hospital either seriously hurt or in a coma penetrated my brain. Yes, this is literally what I thought about sitting in Meineke waiting for the diagnosis - the worse possible scenario in this situation.
Luckily, the diagnosis was completely positive...what was wrong with my tires? The pin in the core of the valve that you fill the tire with air were loose (unscrewed). It actually needs a special tool to get inside there and tighten them up. They all were just loose so everytime I put air in the tires, it was only a quick fix. The tires were leaking internally because of the loose valve core. Ha! And they didn't charge me for it! Plus, they checked all the tires well. How random is something like? The core of a tire valve is loose? I didn't even know that there was something in the valve that had to stay screwed in...I only thought the cap had to stay tigtened. Go figure.
Anyway, it was a small blessing in a time of uncertainties. However, the minor drama took a lot out of me. This little head of mine has a mind of it's own sometimes...and having the thoughts I did scared me a little. I literally have a tendency to scare myself...but it's also something that I continually learn from. It's like it's an oxymoron: a nightmarish daydream.
But my head has always been that way: imaginative in many ways. I can come up with the most beautiful thoughts sometimes. I've written some of them down; but some I have kept completely to myself. They are so memorable that I don't need to write them down. On the other hand, and without meaning to, some of the worst things can come to my head - the bad stuff of life. I know a lot of it is due to the things around me: media, tv, murder, rape, suicide, war, the pure evil you can see in this world. Sometimes I'm able to put it all in perspective, though. There are times where these negative thoughts begin to scare me but it stops and instead, God intervenes and teaches me something through it. He uses the bad to help me find the good.
Tonight, though I had other plans, my plans were interrupted. And though some won't understand this, I needed to reflect upon why I am the way I am sometimes and why sometimes the little things really throw me off. I took a good long look at myself: I saw the really ugly...but what's more is that I saw the really beautiful.
I got home at around 7:30 p.m...not too late to keep my plans but late enough that I listened to my inner voice. I know that I need to take care of a few things in myself right now. So, I came home and relaxed. About 30 minutes ago, I started to really see a few things...and it took a tv show to show me the path that I needed to work on first. That's when I came to my computer and started to do some research and to truly open my mind to think, really think about my priorities. I have so many; but I'm realizing that none of them are really in the right place on the list.
Truly, they aren't. There are a few in the right slots; but not many. So, priorities, number one. Number two, Faith. Hebrews, Chapter 11...all of it. I've been telling a lot around me that I have so many uncertainties but that God is asking me to be patient and faithful. I have seen now that faith is two things that I'm struggling with: sure and certain. Hebrews 11:3 - By faith we understand that the universe was formd at God's comman, that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. (NIV) Hmmmm....so, right now, I know this is a verse that I have to study, to meditate on, and pray over. The one thing I do know about this verse is that it is a reminder that God made something of nothing; creation was created out of what God commanded. It had not existed before. Translation to my life in particular (or anyone struggling wiht the same thing I am)? Though I can't see what's coming and can only see what's seen, it may hamper me but not God. He is not hampered by what is seen and what is not seen...because He can create anything...just like He has given me a gift to create with my imagination. And what's more, I have a choice of what I create and what bring into existance. I have a lot of other choices, too: like what I decide to do everyday, how I work or don't, how I clean my apartment or don't, how I eat or don't, how I workout or don't, and how, which is the most important, how I choose Him over everything else.
Three, with that realization, I then asked myself, "Well, do I choose Him over everything everytime I make a decision?" I am sad to say that I do not. More often than not, I choose what "I" think is best for "me." There are times that I even know so clearly what God wants me to choose, what the right choice is, but I disobediently choose the wrong one - because I want to. I did it tonight...and clearly knew I was in the wrong. It then created in me and my big, imaginative head things that shouldn't have been there...that I should not have allowed there. But it didn't devastate me because I was able to shoe it away as quickly as it came. In that moment, I realized that I am truly a different person in so many ways. I wondered why there are some things that we just can't see in ourselves or each other unless something random (like needing the core in your tire valves tightened) to see the work that God has done in you and is doing in you. It's an amazing realization...and I feel kinda like there are these arms around me telling me that though I've made, am making and will make many more mistakes that 1) they will be less and less as I grow and learn, and 2) that thought there are so many uncertainties right now in my life (and in others') that He can see the unseen and that's all I need to know.
Oh, and that this big, imaginative head of mine is a gift. I have to see it as such...treat it as such,...use it as such...and choose to give it over everyday to God. The daydreams. The nightmares. They all need to go to Him, immediately...and it's my job (my choice) to give them up no matter how good or bad they may be. He'll to what's right with them.
So now, I'm ready to go to bed and am not afraid to dream. In fact, he wants me to dream and plan and pursue the desires of my heart that He has given me....to know which ones those are. And I do; tonight, He has shown me. :-)
10.31.2009
The Pocket Muse: Envy
You wouldn't think that a topic like that would be dealt with in a book of writing exercises. It might be in a "how to be a write in a cold hard world" book or something like that, but not in one meant to help you actually write. Well, it is in mine...and God used it as one of His creative ways to get me to thinking and to grow beyond my current situation.
This has been a very difficult week for me when it comes to being myself. Waking, working, breathing, playing life...having nothing to do with those around me or their situations. Just mine: my decisions, my job, my personality, my weaknesses, my strengths, yada yada yada. Why am I being so self-ish for this blog today? Because this week, I had to deal with myself - the good, the bad, the ugly & the beautiful.
I'm not going to go into the details of all that happened. I have only shared them with two people and that's how it is going to stay for now. There is a third person but she only knows a few things. I do not want to burden her with my burdens right now. She is a dear, dear friend but this time this isn't something she can help me fix. Still, I know she will be there for me in the most important way: just being my friend.
Back to the point...
So many of us want so much in life...and somehow some of us just have trouble getting it or even liking ourselves. Even a few of us who know truly that God loves us, hang on to parts of our human side and don't give up control. Though we know doing that can separate us from God and take us down paths that only lead to more disappointments and weakness, we still do it to prove that we can. And some of us are successful, for a while. But others of us, like myself, let others determine who we are and the funny part of that is that they don't know they're doing it. Why? Because WE put it in our heads that they are. WE see thier successes as a negative thing, as a reflection on our inadequacies...sometimes even a judgement against ourselves. When we do this, we fall into one of two categories: either we blame them for our inadequacies, or we degrade our self-worth believing that we could never be that good. I tend to fall in the latter category, and so do some of my friends.
This week, however, I learned something else about this. Through having to deal immediatel with some very important issues in my life, I had to realize in a few quick moments that no one can make me fail but myself. I already know this but haven't really lived it. There are moments that I've recovered immediately - but those are few. This week, I had to stand on my own two feet completely with no help...but this time, I not only gave the burdens to the Lord but I acted on them as well. He has been faithful and has told me to continue to do what I need to do, and He will make it for the good. So I did. And as hard and as lonely as it was to handle on my own, I know that I needed to do it alone - at least for now. He has cautioned me not to let pride set in too deeply...so I need to be prepared to ask for help when I need it.
In the state that I was in, God saw great opportunity to use something that I've struggled with to teach me a lesson...a lesson that I thought I'd learned but have only scratched the surface. It's about envy. I can't say that I'm a truly envious person. But the version of envy that I found in this exerpt, was EXACTLY describing a tendency I have within me, towards my writing and other parts of my life. I am so overwhelmed by it and so thankful to have read it that I want to share it...and I want to ask you if you can see some of yourself in this little article. Ask yourself honestly, if any of this rings true for you. If so, take the time to sit down and pray about it. I'm not "fixed" overnight but I'm more aware of a weakness I have that I can thwart much easier next time it surfaces...especially for my writing. I have hindered myself due to the talent around me. I gave up on myself. I need to believe in myself again.
Here is the excerpt. Have a great day!
Notes from the Department of Professional Envy
Five minutes after you receive your fifteenth rejection for a novel that took five years to write, a friend - who you genuinely like and admire - calls with a whopping book advance. "Wow" you say, stunned, as envy crashes in to slap your face. You feel run over, plowed under, taken utterly by surprise thinking: Where did this awfulness come from? This smallness? This resentment? I'm not prepared for this!
In fact, you are prepared. You - you and nobody else - prepared the place for envy to take up residence in your body and clog the places that should remain open to the imagination, to generosity. Everytime you believed yourself a bad writer, envy slithered a little further into your core. Everytime a better writer's prose made you feel diminished instead of inspired, envy slipped in. You don't recognize it at the time, have no idea the damage you're doing by resenting your own words as failures instead of stepping stones....
....There is nothing sudden about envy....the things you think in that envious moment - he can write and I can't; he is lucky and I'm not; he has vision and I don't - follow now from all the hissing you've been listening to and taking in without quite hearing it.
Self-doubt is not the opposite of confidence. Envy is the opposite of confidence. Envy is the thing that says: You will never be lucky. You will never be good. You will never have vision. You will never succeed. You will never have a life like his. Envy serves no purpose but to sap your resources, erode your confidence, and make you bitter when you should be grateful.....
.....It also helps to remember - helps me anyway - that anothers success does not equal your failure. Life does not operate on a zero-sum. Another's beautiful prose does not make yours ugly. Another's prize-winning poetry collection does not make yours a prize-losing collection. Another's smart essay does not make yours stupid.
No one else will ever write exactly what you are writing. No one.
If after this, envy refuses to budge, ask yourself this: Would you really want another life? You can't go around cherry-picking from this life or that one. Maybe you want his Pulitzer, her reviews, his money, her talent, but you'd also have to take his lung x-ray, her mother's death, his stutter, her truly hideous hair. And besides, you'd have to give up your singing voice, your friend Robin, the two hundred bird songs you know by ear. So, there you go. Life's a package, and you know - you know this - you don't truly want any package but your own.
Usually, the time-limited pity party works. Envy can't get you unless you're feeling vulnerable and inferior, so a day (or a week or a month)away from your work might be just what you need anyway. After a time away, you'll feel grateful for all the words that come, not just the good ones. If envy has any reason at all to exist, that's probably it.
Okay, so I didn't type all of it...and I did learn from the parts that are not here. Instead, I wanted to encourage you to pay attention to the meat of the article...and encourage you to go out and buy this writer's guide if you're a writer. It was a gift from a friend that is truly helping me to be a better writer. It's called The Pocket Muse - ideas and inspirations for writing. The author is Monica Wood and it's a small book. I'm grateful for my friend finding it and thinking of me to give it to (in addition to his girlfriend, who is my friend and on of the brilliant writers that I have honestly envied).
When you do purchase it, take the time to read this entire article. It's really helped me...I hope it will you, too.
This has been a very difficult week for me when it comes to being myself. Waking, working, breathing, playing life...having nothing to do with those around me or their situations. Just mine: my decisions, my job, my personality, my weaknesses, my strengths, yada yada yada. Why am I being so self-ish for this blog today? Because this week, I had to deal with myself - the good, the bad, the ugly & the beautiful.
I'm not going to go into the details of all that happened. I have only shared them with two people and that's how it is going to stay for now. There is a third person but she only knows a few things. I do not want to burden her with my burdens right now. She is a dear, dear friend but this time this isn't something she can help me fix. Still, I know she will be there for me in the most important way: just being my friend.
Back to the point...
So many of us want so much in life...and somehow some of us just have trouble getting it or even liking ourselves. Even a few of us who know truly that God loves us, hang on to parts of our human side and don't give up control. Though we know doing that can separate us from God and take us down paths that only lead to more disappointments and weakness, we still do it to prove that we can. And some of us are successful, for a while. But others of us, like myself, let others determine who we are and the funny part of that is that they don't know they're doing it. Why? Because WE put it in our heads that they are. WE see thier successes as a negative thing, as a reflection on our inadequacies...sometimes even a judgement against ourselves. When we do this, we fall into one of two categories: either we blame them for our inadequacies, or we degrade our self-worth believing that we could never be that good. I tend to fall in the latter category, and so do some of my friends.
This week, however, I learned something else about this. Through having to deal immediatel with some very important issues in my life, I had to realize in a few quick moments that no one can make me fail but myself. I already know this but haven't really lived it. There are moments that I've recovered immediately - but those are few. This week, I had to stand on my own two feet completely with no help...but this time, I not only gave the burdens to the Lord but I acted on them as well. He has been faithful and has told me to continue to do what I need to do, and He will make it for the good. So I did. And as hard and as lonely as it was to handle on my own, I know that I needed to do it alone - at least for now. He has cautioned me not to let pride set in too deeply...so I need to be prepared to ask for help when I need it.
In the state that I was in, God saw great opportunity to use something that I've struggled with to teach me a lesson...a lesson that I thought I'd learned but have only scratched the surface. It's about envy. I can't say that I'm a truly envious person. But the version of envy that I found in this exerpt, was EXACTLY describing a tendency I have within me, towards my writing and other parts of my life. I am so overwhelmed by it and so thankful to have read it that I want to share it...and I want to ask you if you can see some of yourself in this little article. Ask yourself honestly, if any of this rings true for you. If so, take the time to sit down and pray about it. I'm not "fixed" overnight but I'm more aware of a weakness I have that I can thwart much easier next time it surfaces...especially for my writing. I have hindered myself due to the talent around me. I gave up on myself. I need to believe in myself again.
Here is the excerpt. Have a great day!
Notes from the Department of Professional Envy
Five minutes after you receive your fifteenth rejection for a novel that took five years to write, a friend - who you genuinely like and admire - calls with a whopping book advance. "Wow" you say, stunned, as envy crashes in to slap your face. You feel run over, plowed under, taken utterly by surprise thinking: Where did this awfulness come from? This smallness? This resentment? I'm not prepared for this!
In fact, you are prepared. You - you and nobody else - prepared the place for envy to take up residence in your body and clog the places that should remain open to the imagination, to generosity. Everytime you believed yourself a bad writer, envy slithered a little further into your core. Everytime a better writer's prose made you feel diminished instead of inspired, envy slipped in. You don't recognize it at the time, have no idea the damage you're doing by resenting your own words as failures instead of stepping stones....
....There is nothing sudden about envy....the things you think in that envious moment - he can write and I can't; he is lucky and I'm not; he has vision and I don't - follow now from all the hissing you've been listening to and taking in without quite hearing it.
Self-doubt is not the opposite of confidence. Envy is the opposite of confidence. Envy is the thing that says: You will never be lucky. You will never be good. You will never have vision. You will never succeed. You will never have a life like his. Envy serves no purpose but to sap your resources, erode your confidence, and make you bitter when you should be grateful.....
.....It also helps to remember - helps me anyway - that anothers success does not equal your failure. Life does not operate on a zero-sum. Another's beautiful prose does not make yours ugly. Another's prize-winning poetry collection does not make yours a prize-losing collection. Another's smart essay does not make yours stupid.
No one else will ever write exactly what you are writing. No one.
If after this, envy refuses to budge, ask yourself this: Would you really want another life? You can't go around cherry-picking from this life or that one. Maybe you want his Pulitzer, her reviews, his money, her talent, but you'd also have to take his lung x-ray, her mother's death, his stutter, her truly hideous hair. And besides, you'd have to give up your singing voice, your friend Robin, the two hundred bird songs you know by ear. So, there you go. Life's a package, and you know - you know this - you don't truly want any package but your own.
Usually, the time-limited pity party works. Envy can't get you unless you're feeling vulnerable and inferior, so a day (or a week or a month)away from your work might be just what you need anyway. After a time away, you'll feel grateful for all the words that come, not just the good ones. If envy has any reason at all to exist, that's probably it.
Okay, so I didn't type all of it...and I did learn from the parts that are not here. Instead, I wanted to encourage you to pay attention to the meat of the article...and encourage you to go out and buy this writer's guide if you're a writer. It was a gift from a friend that is truly helping me to be a better writer. It's called The Pocket Muse - ideas and inspirations for writing. The author is Monica Wood and it's a small book. I'm grateful for my friend finding it and thinking of me to give it to (in addition to his girlfriend, who is my friend and on of the brilliant writers that I have honestly envied).
When you do purchase it, take the time to read this entire article. It's really helped me...I hope it will you, too.
10.18.2009
Here's something else...
As I finished that last blog, another journal entry from last week came to mind. I don't have it here; it's actually at work...but I remember the gist of it.
Building upon the "giving myself up" idea, if I'm to marry, I want to be with no one less than a man who is in love with God first, me second. A man who is of God and not of this world. I don't want any pretenders. I want what I term a real man: a man after God's own heart and seeking His will for His life, and doesn't need a woman to define him, but to enhance him and be an encouragement to him. He must compliment me and I must compliment him. We have to be in relationship with Him together and apart. I know some are saying "you're asking too much...the men around us, including Christian men, aren't capable and don't want to be that or want to pursue us unless we come in this perfectly asthetic package." Though that may be true, the man (men, to be optimistic) I speak of does (do) exist...and, might I argue, they are looking for us, too. And, there may even be more than one who suit us in this world.
But we have to be open...open our eyes and our hearts to the possibility. God doesn't come in this perfect little box...He doesn't fit! So why do we have to have this perfectly wrapped package? It's not how it's wrapped, it's Who's inside. That's a capital W in who. And if the Who inside them is visual it's because we can see their fruit. You can see the fruit they are producing...and it smells exactly like what Jesus tells us it should.
That's who I'm waiting for. Oh, and by the way, this man isn't perfect. I'm not saying that at all. He's just got the right Who inside...and he seeks Him everyday...we both do. It doesn't mean that everything will be perfect; it just means that we're perfectly designed to be with each other. The rest is a work in progress.
It's a relationship; it needs water, nurturing and a lot of pruning. But I want to start with a branch that is part of the Holy Vine. I have confidence now that God will graft me to the right branch; and I'm willing to just live the life He's given me to the full extent that a single person can, until that happens. Then it's a whole new life, with many other ways to grow and serve Him, be pruned and bear fruit.
Now, I must bear fruit on my own; one day, I may be bearing fruit with someone else, a marraige and ministry. And, honestly, that is my desire. I just don't know what season I'm to be grafted or what branch I'm to be grafted to or even where that branch is! God does though; and I'm certain in this moment that I trust Him fully in that. :-)
Building upon the "giving myself up" idea, if I'm to marry, I want to be with no one less than a man who is in love with God first, me second. A man who is of God and not of this world. I don't want any pretenders. I want what I term a real man: a man after God's own heart and seeking His will for His life, and doesn't need a woman to define him, but to enhance him and be an encouragement to him. He must compliment me and I must compliment him. We have to be in relationship with Him together and apart. I know some are saying "you're asking too much...the men around us, including Christian men, aren't capable and don't want to be that or want to pursue us unless we come in this perfectly asthetic package." Though that may be true, the man (men, to be optimistic) I speak of does (do) exist...and, might I argue, they are looking for us, too. And, there may even be more than one who suit us in this world.
But we have to be open...open our eyes and our hearts to the possibility. God doesn't come in this perfect little box...He doesn't fit! So why do we have to have this perfectly wrapped package? It's not how it's wrapped, it's Who's inside. That's a capital W in who. And if the Who inside them is visual it's because we can see their fruit. You can see the fruit they are producing...and it smells exactly like what Jesus tells us it should.
That's who I'm waiting for. Oh, and by the way, this man isn't perfect. I'm not saying that at all. He's just got the right Who inside...and he seeks Him everyday...we both do. It doesn't mean that everything will be perfect; it just means that we're perfectly designed to be with each other. The rest is a work in progress.
It's a relationship; it needs water, nurturing and a lot of pruning. But I want to start with a branch that is part of the Holy Vine. I have confidence now that God will graft me to the right branch; and I'm willing to just live the life He's given me to the full extent that a single person can, until that happens. Then it's a whole new life, with many other ways to grow and serve Him, be pruned and bear fruit.
Now, I must bear fruit on my own; one day, I may be bearing fruit with someone else, a marraige and ministry. And, honestly, that is my desire. I just don't know what season I'm to be grafted or what branch I'm to be grafted to or even where that branch is! God does though; and I'm certain in this moment that I trust Him fully in that. :-)
Losing it all, or do we?
Here's one of my favorite movie quotes:
"You don't begin to live until you've lost everything." James Garner (also one of my favorite actors, way back to the Rockford Files).
Anyway, in light of current events in my life, this quote - and recent Bible studies - caught my attention today. Miss Social (that's me, if you didn't connect the dots) was on her own almost all day and I didn't mind it one bit because God had me to himself, and He had me a thinkin'.
Here is part of a journal entry today...it's in italics...the rest are my current thoughts a few hours later:
God tells us to give everything up, take up our cross and follow Him. Well, Jesus says it but we all know it's the same. Lately, I've been wondering if any of us really truly do that...before we follow through on something. Do we really give everything up? Or do some of us just pretend and give up something for awhile and try to classify it as giving it "all" up? Then when the thing we really want shows up - though it only looks like it's the real thing, but we know it isn't - we grab ahold, knowing it isn't really the real thing but we feel we've done our time in "giving it up?"
Oh, how I've done that so many times that it's become so easy to be blinded by the fake! It looks so real, so like the original, but it isn't.
And I'm not so sure now that I've ever truly given up everything or known truly that all I needed was Him. I know that He's given me some of the desires in my heart - but I haven't completely given them to Him, willingly and wantingly, to give Him the control in my life. The other desires are not from Him. They have been so hard to give up...especially when I see others who are getting them.....How do I give up those "other" things when parts of them are good? How do I separate the good from the bad? Or is the good I see in them a bad imitation of the real thing so it only "looks" good?
Okay, so that last part is a little cryptic but I didn't want to share all of my journal entry. My point is that sometimes we say we've given something up, only it's mostly lip service...and both God and us know it. Maybe our friends or family or anyone close to us can't see it. But God knows. And I know. Can I ask you to pose the same question to yourself?
I have been bombarded lately with people seeking, serving and pandering the "health and wealth" gospel...and other versions of it. There is a very important difference to having confidence in our Holy Spirit and confidence that if we are aligned with the right people or religion, that we'll be "prosperous" and "have all the true blessings" and always "be healthy" in every sense of the word. That isn't true at all and I'm really tired of people misinterpreting the Bible, old testament and new testament alike. I would like for those people to ask Abraham, Isaac, Job, Elijah, Ruth, Esther, Peter, Paul, John, Stephen...I'll stop there though there are many more...if following Christ meant having a posh life. At no point does God ever say that our lives will be perfect and without trials...and he doesn't ever say that just because we believe in Him, we'll never have trials. He does promise that He will be with us through everything...all believers in Jesus. Why do some people get so lost in having to be "prosperous?"
What He clearly asks us is to give up all of ourselves and follow Him. When we do that, we stop serving ourselves and we serve others. We help each other; we love each other; and we get to spread hope, joy and love to those who don't have any of that! It doesn't mean it won't be hard at times, it most definitely will be. I'm not being pessimistic or realistic...I'm pointing out that the most important thing in this life is to choose to "give it all up" and follow Him. In doing so, we'll spread His word (not ours, or some religion's or preacher's or ministry's) and bring His hope and joy and the promise of an eternal future to those who have no hope, no joy and no future. That is what it is about...and He never promises that it will always be an easy path. Some have died; and will continue to...because we live in a fallen world that has evil at every corner. But God offers us - all that He gives us - is worth giving Him our all and serving Him. Not this world; not something else. Just Him.
And there are a few things I haven't given up completely. I know that at this time in my life, even with all the uncertainty, that one of the things I have to truly give up is this: control over my future and that of those around me. I need to do what I have to but let God direct my steps. I can't sit here and stay on the same path I've been...that has gotten me nowhere because it was always about me. Now, in this moment, I have to do everything I know I'm supposed to do but let God show me the right path. I have some family and friends who are in similar situations...and I'm praying that they'll do the same, and not let their desires - which are not in line with Gods - misdirect them to the wrong path. Sometimes Satan uses those closest to us to misdirect us. Satan is truly not creative; he only uses what is already available. And what he uses can be so tempting and look so real. But he is cunning and we have to be discerning on what's from him and what's from God.
So, currently, I'm praying for wisdom, discernment and faith for everyone around me...including those who seem to be on the right paths...that they'll stay there and not venture to a new one unless it's clearly opened by God. I'm praying also for an open heart and mind for myself; as I find myself at a crossroads where I can go in many directions whether I stay here or move away. There are multiple options in each...and I need God to help show me which way is the best for Him to use me to add to His Kingdom. That is my duty as His daughter - His princess - and I want to graduate with flying colors, even if it means hardship may come my direction. I know it will not be in vain...because more people will know Him and feel the love He has for them. :-)
Before you ask it, no, I'm not "asking for" hardship to come my way. On some days, I feel I've had enough. But, I also know that my "hardships" aren't even close to most people...who may be starving to death, tortured, and the like. No, I really haven't had true hardships. If anything, I'm a bit of hypocrite since I want things to get easier for me, mainly financially. I'm even waiting for a check that could erase all my debt, which is coming from something that caused me pain, my passenger pain and the other driver pain. Really, $ doesn't take away all the pain...but it my case it would help put me in a position to be much more free to serve Him. So I am hoping and praying that the amount on that check "frees" me from bondage to things in this world that I should never let bind me. But it could be God's will for me to work through that bondage...and I have to accept that as well. He only does htings for the good; we make or let the bad happen, even when we know better. Yet, He blesses us anyway.
I just hope that I can one day know that I gave everything up in order to bless others...just like my Father did. He gave up His one and only son...for me...and for you...and for those past, present and future. That is unconditional love. I only hope I can give that back to Him fully one day...and let go of my earthly self in the process.
"You don't begin to live until you've lost everything." James Garner (also one of my favorite actors, way back to the Rockford Files).
Anyway, in light of current events in my life, this quote - and recent Bible studies - caught my attention today. Miss Social (that's me, if you didn't connect the dots) was on her own almost all day and I didn't mind it one bit because God had me to himself, and He had me a thinkin'.
Here is part of a journal entry today...it's in italics...the rest are my current thoughts a few hours later:
God tells us to give everything up, take up our cross and follow Him. Well, Jesus says it but we all know it's the same. Lately, I've been wondering if any of us really truly do that...before we follow through on something. Do we really give everything up? Or do some of us just pretend and give up something for awhile and try to classify it as giving it "all" up? Then when the thing we really want shows up - though it only looks like it's the real thing, but we know it isn't - we grab ahold, knowing it isn't really the real thing but we feel we've done our time in "giving it up?"
Oh, how I've done that so many times that it's become so easy to be blinded by the fake! It looks so real, so like the original, but it isn't.
And I'm not so sure now that I've ever truly given up everything or known truly that all I needed was Him. I know that He's given me some of the desires in my heart - but I haven't completely given them to Him, willingly and wantingly, to give Him the control in my life. The other desires are not from Him. They have been so hard to give up...especially when I see others who are getting them.....How do I give up those "other" things when parts of them are good? How do I separate the good from the bad? Or is the good I see in them a bad imitation of the real thing so it only "looks" good?
Okay, so that last part is a little cryptic but I didn't want to share all of my journal entry. My point is that sometimes we say we've given something up, only it's mostly lip service...and both God and us know it. Maybe our friends or family or anyone close to us can't see it. But God knows. And I know. Can I ask you to pose the same question to yourself?
I have been bombarded lately with people seeking, serving and pandering the "health and wealth" gospel...and other versions of it. There is a very important difference to having confidence in our Holy Spirit and confidence that if we are aligned with the right people or religion, that we'll be "prosperous" and "have all the true blessings" and always "be healthy" in every sense of the word. That isn't true at all and I'm really tired of people misinterpreting the Bible, old testament and new testament alike. I would like for those people to ask Abraham, Isaac, Job, Elijah, Ruth, Esther, Peter, Paul, John, Stephen...I'll stop there though there are many more...if following Christ meant having a posh life. At no point does God ever say that our lives will be perfect and without trials...and he doesn't ever say that just because we believe in Him, we'll never have trials. He does promise that He will be with us through everything...all believers in Jesus. Why do some people get so lost in having to be "prosperous?"
What He clearly asks us is to give up all of ourselves and follow Him. When we do that, we stop serving ourselves and we serve others. We help each other; we love each other; and we get to spread hope, joy and love to those who don't have any of that! It doesn't mean it won't be hard at times, it most definitely will be. I'm not being pessimistic or realistic...I'm pointing out that the most important thing in this life is to choose to "give it all up" and follow Him. In doing so, we'll spread His word (not ours, or some religion's or preacher's or ministry's) and bring His hope and joy and the promise of an eternal future to those who have no hope, no joy and no future. That is what it is about...and He never promises that it will always be an easy path. Some have died; and will continue to...because we live in a fallen world that has evil at every corner. But God offers us - all that He gives us - is worth giving Him our all and serving Him. Not this world; not something else. Just Him.
And there are a few things I haven't given up completely. I know that at this time in my life, even with all the uncertainty, that one of the things I have to truly give up is this: control over my future and that of those around me. I need to do what I have to but let God direct my steps. I can't sit here and stay on the same path I've been...that has gotten me nowhere because it was always about me. Now, in this moment, I have to do everything I know I'm supposed to do but let God show me the right path. I have some family and friends who are in similar situations...and I'm praying that they'll do the same, and not let their desires - which are not in line with Gods - misdirect them to the wrong path. Sometimes Satan uses those closest to us to misdirect us. Satan is truly not creative; he only uses what is already available. And what he uses can be so tempting and look so real. But he is cunning and we have to be discerning on what's from him and what's from God.
So, currently, I'm praying for wisdom, discernment and faith for everyone around me...including those who seem to be on the right paths...that they'll stay there and not venture to a new one unless it's clearly opened by God. I'm praying also for an open heart and mind for myself; as I find myself at a crossroads where I can go in many directions whether I stay here or move away. There are multiple options in each...and I need God to help show me which way is the best for Him to use me to add to His Kingdom. That is my duty as His daughter - His princess - and I want to graduate with flying colors, even if it means hardship may come my direction. I know it will not be in vain...because more people will know Him and feel the love He has for them. :-)
Before you ask it, no, I'm not "asking for" hardship to come my way. On some days, I feel I've had enough. But, I also know that my "hardships" aren't even close to most people...who may be starving to death, tortured, and the like. No, I really haven't had true hardships. If anything, I'm a bit of hypocrite since I want things to get easier for me, mainly financially. I'm even waiting for a check that could erase all my debt, which is coming from something that caused me pain, my passenger pain and the other driver pain. Really, $ doesn't take away all the pain...but it my case it would help put me in a position to be much more free to serve Him. So I am hoping and praying that the amount on that check "frees" me from bondage to things in this world that I should never let bind me. But it could be God's will for me to work through that bondage...and I have to accept that as well. He only does htings for the good; we make or let the bad happen, even when we know better. Yet, He blesses us anyway.
I just hope that I can one day know that I gave everything up in order to bless others...just like my Father did. He gave up His one and only son...for me...and for you...and for those past, present and future. That is unconditional love. I only hope I can give that back to Him fully one day...and let go of my earthly self in the process.
10.11.2009
I Still...
Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?
No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go
I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
Now look at me
Instead of moving on, I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
And I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last (to last)
I've tried to fight it
Can't deny it
You don't even know
That I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
Ohhhh
Wish I could find you
Just like you found me
Then I would never let you go (without you)
Though everything's been said and done (yeah)
I still feel you (I still feel you)
Like I'm right beside you (like I'm right beside you)
But still no (still no word) word from you
These are words to one of my favorite songs. You can call it destined; you can call it prophetic; you can even call it coincidence; but I call it a God-incidence that it was the song I heard second on my walk to a friends today. To be honest, it's really the first verse that got to me....you see, I've been very nostalgic of late. Seriously...I was crying at a fish pond last night. All good, happy tears. But reflective as well.
I have been in Indiana for 13 years, 2 months & 10 days. I have lived in Bloomington the longest I've lived in any city. Bloomington is home for me....and there has been a lot that the time here has taught me. I've grown up here...well, some could argue that I'm still growing...and they'd be right. :-)
But, right now, there is no doubt that I am at a crossroads. I am literally having to make one of the biggest decisions of my life and I have no idea what that decision should be. No idea. Truly.
However, I am clear, certain on one thing: that no matter where I go this time...everyone goes with me. To me, the song "I Still" means that though I may or may not go away - or others in my life may or may not go away - they go with me in my heart, mind and soul....and that I refuse to let that go...in all the good ways and for all the good times. :-) "No matter what's been said or done...I still feel you" means two things to me: first it means that whatever has happened that I still love that person/them/my friends/family/people that are in my life here. And second, that no matter what has transpired in my life, He is still here...I still "feel" Him beside me, walking with my hand in His, guiding me.
It also speaks to me in the changes that myself and many of those around me have gone through and how it's changed us but how it's also enhanced who we are...the ways that we're the same and still ourselves, only better.
And I'm not going to let anybody go...they are all a little piece of me...and that partly makes me who I am.
See, I told you...I got a little nostalgic. :-)
Anyway, like another song states, "I don't know where I'm going but I sure know where I've been..."
"...Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An Ive made up my mind,
I aint wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again
Tho I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what Im looking for
Oh lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams."
Dreams. Yeah, that's right. But this time, they aren't lonely. Y'all go with me. :-)
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?
No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go
I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
Now look at me
Instead of moving on, I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
And I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last (to last)
I've tried to fight it
Can't deny it
You don't even know
That I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
Ohhhh
Wish I could find you
Just like you found me
Then I would never let you go (without you)
Though everything's been said and done (yeah)
I still feel you (I still feel you)
Like I'm right beside you (like I'm right beside you)
But still no (still no word) word from you
These are words to one of my favorite songs. You can call it destined; you can call it prophetic; you can even call it coincidence; but I call it a God-incidence that it was the song I heard second on my walk to a friends today. To be honest, it's really the first verse that got to me....you see, I've been very nostalgic of late. Seriously...I was crying at a fish pond last night. All good, happy tears. But reflective as well.
I have been in Indiana for 13 years, 2 months & 10 days. I have lived in Bloomington the longest I've lived in any city. Bloomington is home for me....and there has been a lot that the time here has taught me. I've grown up here...well, some could argue that I'm still growing...and they'd be right. :-)
But, right now, there is no doubt that I am at a crossroads. I am literally having to make one of the biggest decisions of my life and I have no idea what that decision should be. No idea. Truly.
However, I am clear, certain on one thing: that no matter where I go this time...everyone goes with me. To me, the song "I Still" means that though I may or may not go away - or others in my life may or may not go away - they go with me in my heart, mind and soul....and that I refuse to let that go...in all the good ways and for all the good times. :-) "No matter what's been said or done...I still feel you" means two things to me: first it means that whatever has happened that I still love that person/them/my friends/family/people that are in my life here. And second, that no matter what has transpired in my life, He is still here...I still "feel" Him beside me, walking with my hand in His, guiding me.
It also speaks to me in the changes that myself and many of those around me have gone through and how it's changed us but how it's also enhanced who we are...the ways that we're the same and still ourselves, only better.
And I'm not going to let anybody go...they are all a little piece of me...and that partly makes me who I am.
See, I told you...I got a little nostalgic. :-)
Anyway, like another song states, "I don't know where I'm going but I sure know where I've been..."
"...Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An Ive made up my mind,
I aint wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again
Tho I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what Im looking for
Oh lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams."
Dreams. Yeah, that's right. But this time, they aren't lonely. Y'all go with me. :-)
9.26.2009
Cancer
As I get ready for bed late tonight, I can't help but think about tomorrow's schedule. I am participating in Hoosiers Outrun Cancer. Dave and I along with a few other friends will be walking it in support of cancer research and cures.
Now though, I have thoughts of my stepdad's success against it...my grandmother's success and now reappearance of it...and my grandfather's continuing 8 year fight against it. Cancer has invaded my family; it is close to my heart. It is also hard to deal with or acknowledge...except for times like tonight, when I can't help but think of the battle that my family is waging against it...or has waged against it. When I let myself, I remember Thanksgiving 2003 when mom and I almost lost Dave. Had it not been for my mom's excellent nursing skills and staunch determination and avid prayer, my stepdad would not be here today.
I was talking to a friend last night...and during the conversation it dawned on me that some people just don't understand something so serious as cancer or car accidents unless they are directly affected or experience it. It just isn't easy at all. Even with faith and miracle healings, it is still not easy to handle before, during or afterward. It's ugly, hurtful, depressing and draining...it consumes your life. But as much as you may want that person or persons to understand it like you do, you just couldn't wish the same on them. You don't want them to know what you know firsthand...you just wouldn't wish that on your worst enemy, as the cliche goes.
I know I'm rambling a little but I am getting to my point: we just don't know what is around the corner, who will be in our lives for awhile/for a season, we don't have the same experiences. As I was reflecting about tomorrow's walk these thoughts occured to me...and then I realized that Nike is smarter than they realize: Life is short. We need to play hard in this life...live it to the fullest...take the risks and the chances God asks us to...obey His calling...and put ourselves in someone else's shoes so as not to judge them unfairly...but to know how to love them more.
Yes, my family has been affected by a disease with no real cure. But we have survived the hardship; and we will keep fighting, play hard. And tomorrow, though it's only 3.1 miles, we will walk to show our resiliance and our fight against a disease that may invade our bodies, but not our souls.
Now though, I have thoughts of my stepdad's success against it...my grandmother's success and now reappearance of it...and my grandfather's continuing 8 year fight against it. Cancer has invaded my family; it is close to my heart. It is also hard to deal with or acknowledge...except for times like tonight, when I can't help but think of the battle that my family is waging against it...or has waged against it. When I let myself, I remember Thanksgiving 2003 when mom and I almost lost Dave. Had it not been for my mom's excellent nursing skills and staunch determination and avid prayer, my stepdad would not be here today.
I was talking to a friend last night...and during the conversation it dawned on me that some people just don't understand something so serious as cancer or car accidents unless they are directly affected or experience it. It just isn't easy at all. Even with faith and miracle healings, it is still not easy to handle before, during or afterward. It's ugly, hurtful, depressing and draining...it consumes your life. But as much as you may want that person or persons to understand it like you do, you just couldn't wish the same on them. You don't want them to know what you know firsthand...you just wouldn't wish that on your worst enemy, as the cliche goes.
I know I'm rambling a little but I am getting to my point: we just don't know what is around the corner, who will be in our lives for awhile/for a season, we don't have the same experiences. As I was reflecting about tomorrow's walk these thoughts occured to me...and then I realized that Nike is smarter than they realize: Life is short. We need to play hard in this life...live it to the fullest...take the risks and the chances God asks us to...obey His calling...and put ourselves in someone else's shoes so as not to judge them unfairly...but to know how to love them more.
Yes, my family has been affected by a disease with no real cure. But we have survived the hardship; and we will keep fighting, play hard. And tomorrow, though it's only 3.1 miles, we will walk to show our resiliance and our fight against a disease that may invade our bodies, but not our souls.
9.16.2009
A Lone People
I feel that I need to share my weekend and what I've thought about since then. I was cursed and blessed but it's more that I grew to know more about loneliness that I'm thankful for. I know; that might sound kinda depressing but it's really not. It is more that I came to truly know more about it and the compassionate response to change the way I am. Though I know some freinds and others who may not know the following about me may be surprised, I feel that I need to share it. Anywho...
To begin, Friday was one of the worst night's I've had in awhile, and I'm not exaggerating. It began well enough as I helped with the weekly Dunia dinner and met many international students. Truly, it was a wonderful dinner. But what transpired afterwards is what helped me to spiral downward, to a deep depression. And really nothing in particular happened...I just couldn't find anyone to be with. I had felt it coming earlier in the day, as I sometimes do. It is not a first for me. But with the Dunia dinner, I thought that I'd be able to stave it off this time. Once it was over though, everything started to fade fast. First, I tried calling 3 friends, no answer. Then I called my mom, no answer. I even called my dad, he answered but for some reason didn't help me feel better. And then it happened...I thought to call my grandmother. It stayed a thought as in the next moment, I lost my strength (what little was left) and just started to cry. It was a strong cry...I shouted it, really crying, not holding back. And if felt so deep and so very painful. It wasn't just my grandmother's cancer returning, the "no answers" of other phone calls turned into "it's because they don't like me anymore" and "somehow I'm never good enough to be kept as a friend for long" and "they must have more fun without me now." None of it is true...not in the least bit. But I was on such a humble and God given high that Satan was bringing out the big guns, attacking me with all he had to take away my joy...and he was winning. But he only won Friday night's battle, not the weekend-long war. I tried to watch movies and check facebook and read Biblical passages, but the depression was deep-seeded and I had no strength to defend myself...so I cried until my body collapsed in sleep. It was not one of my better nights as a Jesus-lover...which was a thought that I had...how could I feel so worthless and depressed if I loved God so much that I was sharing His love, that very thing, to a small group in my home the night before?
It was in the morning that I realized why Satan had attacked me so hard...I was a threat to him because I was fully listening and being obedient to God's will. It was clear within 20 minutes of the small group Thursday evening that God did indeed lead me to share my home with the very people who were there that Thursday night. If you believe in signs, then it was the biggest flashing green light that God could've given me. To me, I think about it as a God-incidence. It was destined to be...I was destined to lead that small group. And as Satan watched, he also knew that the very subject God was facilitating through my little person was something that was a weakness for me, too. Something that I had dealt with and knew intimately and was sharing all that I had been taught by God...what He blessed me with He was blessing others through me...and Satan just couldn't have that...so he attacked, hard.
But the attack didn't last long...like an earthquake there were a few aftershocks so a few friends were hurt. But nothing was damaged permanently. I had tried to take control for awhile and change my lonely heart by creating an event in which to have friends over, two of which didn't end up coming and that was enough to thwart my shaky plan even though there were 8 others there that were having a wonderful time. The ground I was on did not have a solid foundation because I was the one building it...and I let it show to a few people around me. So not fair to any of them. But by the end, God showed me undeserved Grace and I let Him have control again. Satan's attack was stopped. Oh, and these friends are some if not THE best friends anyone could have...they never judged me or hit back. They just forgave me and loved me for who I was, for better or for worse.
Then came one of the most glorious days that I've ever had...that is not exaggerating either. Though I cried myself to sleep around 2 a.m., I was up and at church by 8 a.m. (well, 8:13 to be exact). I was blessed by the service; then blessed by the 9 a.m. class I took; then blessed again by a second service and getting to spend time with two people I will always cherish and look up to as spiritual leaders. That was just the beginning! The drive back to Bloomington took my breath away and for the first time in years I truly felt a sense of peace, the kind that it is written "beyond understanding"...the last time I'd felt that peace was in a little room in Honduras on a lake in 2003. I felt that I was glowing with God's light in my car and I was so happy. It got better! I spent some great time with my best friend Jen at a movie and then ate dinner with her family, which we rarely ever get any time together. Then after that, another friend, one that is new to my life, came over to watch a movie that blessed both of us. We drank wine and water from my Aunt Crissy's crystal she gave to me and I ended my day in complete peace and love. It was the first time in a very long time that I did not want the day to end...ever!
Since my cursed and blessed weekend, God has led me to several passages of scripture through divine appointment or friends or family...and they have all taught me two things: I'm never alone in my loneliness, and I'm never alone. There are other events that transpired to help me look outside myself. And it's this conclusion that has taken hold of my heart and my compassion to change the way I am: there are so many more people that are truly, truly alone...because they do not know the hope they could have...because they do not know Christ. As painful as Friday and parts of Saturday and so many other times in my life have been, nothing could compare to the pain of not knowing Christ and going through life without knowing Him. I don't know that kind of pain; but a lot of people do.
You know where I'm going with this...or, I assume you do or have a pretty good idea if you know me. As a social person, I have been so entwined in my friendships that I haven't focused on the one thing that God has called us all to: to love His people....and I don't mean just you and I. I mean the people that He died for too. Not just you or I but those who don't know Him or have rejected Him or who have never even heard of Him in any way. As lonely or as much as sometimes I can get depressed, nothing is worse in this life than going through life without Jesus, without hope, without true love, without mercy, without grace. And no matter how hard and how many ways Satan tries to attack me and steal my joy, I know that he can never win because I know God. But so many other people don't have Him in their artillery. And I'm one of the people who are helping Satan destroy lives by not sharing JEsus or caring enough to show His love to those who are still lost.
It is still hard at times (as obvious in this note above) to be so socially-wired and to know that a year ago so many more people were central to my life than they are now. It can be difficult to pick up the phone wanting to call to talk to certain people and know that you can't...too much has changed and your lives have gone on different paths. But what is taking over more than the sadness and anger of so many changes, is knowing that these people who I am still friends with know God. Know Christ. Filled with the Holy Spirit. And that some of the time I no longer spend with them is being replaced with those who don't know God. Don't Know Christ. Don't know the Holy Spirit. People He trusts me to give His precious love to.
And isn't that so much more important than playing Frisbee Golf every time there's a text?; isn't it more important than being one of the first people to be invited to every get together?; isn't it more important to find the one that was lost, than to hang out with those that are not?
Jesus says it is; and He's helping me to truly balance that with still being me. The me that God so carefully and precisely created. The me that I'm beginning to appreciate...even with all my little earthquakes. The me that God says is perfect and that He trusts with the lives of His people. It's an honor; and it humbles me in the light of my recent great depression to be more compassionate and purposeful in sharing Him with others...not passionate about the next party I'm invited to or the next frisbee golf outing or the next spiritual event. There is a time and place for all of that...but there has to be time for The Great Commission.
And I wasn't making any time for that. I see that so clearly now...so I'm thankful for my recent pruning, humbling and for the blessings. I needed them all to learn more about how to truly love. Something that I can do a lot more of. :-)
To begin, Friday was one of the worst night's I've had in awhile, and I'm not exaggerating. It began well enough as I helped with the weekly Dunia dinner and met many international students. Truly, it was a wonderful dinner. But what transpired afterwards is what helped me to spiral downward, to a deep depression. And really nothing in particular happened...I just couldn't find anyone to be with. I had felt it coming earlier in the day, as I sometimes do. It is not a first for me. But with the Dunia dinner, I thought that I'd be able to stave it off this time. Once it was over though, everything started to fade fast. First, I tried calling 3 friends, no answer. Then I called my mom, no answer. I even called my dad, he answered but for some reason didn't help me feel better. And then it happened...I thought to call my grandmother. It stayed a thought as in the next moment, I lost my strength (what little was left) and just started to cry. It was a strong cry...I shouted it, really crying, not holding back. And if felt so deep and so very painful. It wasn't just my grandmother's cancer returning, the "no answers" of other phone calls turned into "it's because they don't like me anymore" and "somehow I'm never good enough to be kept as a friend for long" and "they must have more fun without me now." None of it is true...not in the least bit. But I was on such a humble and God given high that Satan was bringing out the big guns, attacking me with all he had to take away my joy...and he was winning. But he only won Friday night's battle, not the weekend-long war. I tried to watch movies and check facebook and read Biblical passages, but the depression was deep-seeded and I had no strength to defend myself...so I cried until my body collapsed in sleep. It was not one of my better nights as a Jesus-lover...which was a thought that I had...how could I feel so worthless and depressed if I loved God so much that I was sharing His love, that very thing, to a small group in my home the night before?
It was in the morning that I realized why Satan had attacked me so hard...I was a threat to him because I was fully listening and being obedient to God's will. It was clear within 20 minutes of the small group Thursday evening that God did indeed lead me to share my home with the very people who were there that Thursday night. If you believe in signs, then it was the biggest flashing green light that God could've given me. To me, I think about it as a God-incidence. It was destined to be...I was destined to lead that small group. And as Satan watched, he also knew that the very subject God was facilitating through my little person was something that was a weakness for me, too. Something that I had dealt with and knew intimately and was sharing all that I had been taught by God...what He blessed me with He was blessing others through me...and Satan just couldn't have that...so he attacked, hard.
But the attack didn't last long...like an earthquake there were a few aftershocks so a few friends were hurt. But nothing was damaged permanently. I had tried to take control for awhile and change my lonely heart by creating an event in which to have friends over, two of which didn't end up coming and that was enough to thwart my shaky plan even though there were 8 others there that were having a wonderful time. The ground I was on did not have a solid foundation because I was the one building it...and I let it show to a few people around me. So not fair to any of them. But by the end, God showed me undeserved Grace and I let Him have control again. Satan's attack was stopped. Oh, and these friends are some if not THE best friends anyone could have...they never judged me or hit back. They just forgave me and loved me for who I was, for better or for worse.
Then came one of the most glorious days that I've ever had...that is not exaggerating either. Though I cried myself to sleep around 2 a.m., I was up and at church by 8 a.m. (well, 8:13 to be exact). I was blessed by the service; then blessed by the 9 a.m. class I took; then blessed again by a second service and getting to spend time with two people I will always cherish and look up to as spiritual leaders. That was just the beginning! The drive back to Bloomington took my breath away and for the first time in years I truly felt a sense of peace, the kind that it is written "beyond understanding"...the last time I'd felt that peace was in a little room in Honduras on a lake in 2003. I felt that I was glowing with God's light in my car and I was so happy. It got better! I spent some great time with my best friend Jen at a movie and then ate dinner with her family, which we rarely ever get any time together. Then after that, another friend, one that is new to my life, came over to watch a movie that blessed both of us. We drank wine and water from my Aunt Crissy's crystal she gave to me and I ended my day in complete peace and love. It was the first time in a very long time that I did not want the day to end...ever!
Since my cursed and blessed weekend, God has led me to several passages of scripture through divine appointment or friends or family...and they have all taught me two things: I'm never alone in my loneliness, and I'm never alone. There are other events that transpired to help me look outside myself. And it's this conclusion that has taken hold of my heart and my compassion to change the way I am: there are so many more people that are truly, truly alone...because they do not know the hope they could have...because they do not know Christ. As painful as Friday and parts of Saturday and so many other times in my life have been, nothing could compare to the pain of not knowing Christ and going through life without knowing Him. I don't know that kind of pain; but a lot of people do.
You know where I'm going with this...or, I assume you do or have a pretty good idea if you know me. As a social person, I have been so entwined in my friendships that I haven't focused on the one thing that God has called us all to: to love His people....and I don't mean just you and I. I mean the people that He died for too. Not just you or I but those who don't know Him or have rejected Him or who have never even heard of Him in any way. As lonely or as much as sometimes I can get depressed, nothing is worse in this life than going through life without Jesus, without hope, without true love, without mercy, without grace. And no matter how hard and how many ways Satan tries to attack me and steal my joy, I know that he can never win because I know God. But so many other people don't have Him in their artillery. And I'm one of the people who are helping Satan destroy lives by not sharing JEsus or caring enough to show His love to those who are still lost.
It is still hard at times (as obvious in this note above) to be so socially-wired and to know that a year ago so many more people were central to my life than they are now. It can be difficult to pick up the phone wanting to call to talk to certain people and know that you can't...too much has changed and your lives have gone on different paths. But what is taking over more than the sadness and anger of so many changes, is knowing that these people who I am still friends with know God. Know Christ. Filled with the Holy Spirit. And that some of the time I no longer spend with them is being replaced with those who don't know God. Don't Know Christ. Don't know the Holy Spirit. People He trusts me to give His precious love to.
And isn't that so much more important than playing Frisbee Golf every time there's a text?; isn't it more important than being one of the first people to be invited to every get together?; isn't it more important to find the one that was lost, than to hang out with those that are not?
Jesus says it is; and He's helping me to truly balance that with still being me. The me that God so carefully and precisely created. The me that I'm beginning to appreciate...even with all my little earthquakes. The me that God says is perfect and that He trusts with the lives of His people. It's an honor; and it humbles me in the light of my recent great depression to be more compassionate and purposeful in sharing Him with others...not passionate about the next party I'm invited to or the next frisbee golf outing or the next spiritual event. There is a time and place for all of that...but there has to be time for The Great Commission.
And I wasn't making any time for that. I see that so clearly now...so I'm thankful for my recent pruning, humbling and for the blessings. I needed them all to learn more about how to truly love. Something that I can do a lot more of. :-)
9.03.2009
Insomnia, 3:33 a.m., well, actually 3:20 a.m.
I've been in a haze of sleep and non-sleep for three or so hours now...yet, I've had some of the most deep thoughts in that time period. Now I find myself wide awake, literally, and needed to put those thoughts down. And this time, tonight, it goes on my blog...even though all can see it. I don't mind sharing because I know the ones that want to read it are good friends and want to know me...good and bad...and accept me for both.
I didn't dream per se but I felt as if I were outside my body, thinking and reacting to the events of the last year of my life...since last April specifically...as if I were an objective bystander. It was both a rude awakening and a wonderful acknowledgement.
I haven't spoken or thought much about my car accident for awhile...unless it relates to the insurance settlement. But I reflected on it tonight during my half-sleep. I changed in ways that to some are miniscule but are huge for me. I see the world very differently than before...but I also see that since that day, I've also tried to hold on, desperately, to the way things were, the person I was...not wanting to change, being afraid of it.
But mostly, I see that I was both reckless and confident after the accident. It's hard to explain. Confident is really not the correct word for the second. To put it better maybe is to say that I didn't protect myself so much anymore and allowed myself to actually pursue things that I'd always wanted to...not to imply that those things were bad because they were good...but that in doing so, I see that I pursued a little too much and I've felt the consequences of that. Consequences that have nonetheless taught me many lessons, but I see now could have been avoided if I thought them through at least a little bit.
Put yet another way, during my half-sleep, I see that I went 10 mph, after the accident went 100 miles per hour, but see that if I just went the speed limit, it would've helped alot of things.
One thing though that I reminded myself, too, as I was seeing all these events and their consequences flashing before my eyes, is that I have never believed in regrets. As much as I felt all the bad emotions - guilt, shame, rejection, depression, low self-esteem, etc. - I've never truly regretted anything because I know I am here today because those things happened, because I made those choices.
There are so many choices that we can make....and I believe that God gives us those choices to make. He's given us free will; there is no denying that at the end of the day we have to make a choice. He is not a dictator. He loves us to much to force us to do anything...but He's given us so many outlets to make the right choices. Still, sometimes we don't...and regardless of the choices I've made in the last year, I know that it is okay in His eyes that I didn't make the right choice. I don't think He likes it necessarily, like I don't like making the wrong choice. But it is an opportunity for Him to further show us His Amazing Grace...another way for Him to share His love for us. And, by extention, that shows us so many more ways of how to show grace - His Grace - and love - His Love - to others around us: believers, non-believers, acquaintances, strangers, friends, family.
Every now and again I have a slight pang of regret about something but it never stays long....because the very next second He reminds me of how He worked it out for the good and the fruit that came of it for either me or someone else.
So though I haven't been happy or have completely understood what has happened in the last year...how I did both take chances and promise things that I didn't always follow through with...where I am now, who I am, who I am becoming and the people that are around me now are right where they should be.
I could've gotten here by a different path...but you know? Tonight I realized that I wouldn't change it...even the most difficult parts of the last year. I wouldn't change a thing.
I didn't dream per se but I felt as if I were outside my body, thinking and reacting to the events of the last year of my life...since last April specifically...as if I were an objective bystander. It was both a rude awakening and a wonderful acknowledgement.
I haven't spoken or thought much about my car accident for awhile...unless it relates to the insurance settlement. But I reflected on it tonight during my half-sleep. I changed in ways that to some are miniscule but are huge for me. I see the world very differently than before...but I also see that since that day, I've also tried to hold on, desperately, to the way things were, the person I was...not wanting to change, being afraid of it.
But mostly, I see that I was both reckless and confident after the accident. It's hard to explain. Confident is really not the correct word for the second. To put it better maybe is to say that I didn't protect myself so much anymore and allowed myself to actually pursue things that I'd always wanted to...not to imply that those things were bad because they were good...but that in doing so, I see that I pursued a little too much and I've felt the consequences of that. Consequences that have nonetheless taught me many lessons, but I see now could have been avoided if I thought them through at least a little bit.
Put yet another way, during my half-sleep, I see that I went 10 mph, after the accident went 100 miles per hour, but see that if I just went the speed limit, it would've helped alot of things.
One thing though that I reminded myself, too, as I was seeing all these events and their consequences flashing before my eyes, is that I have never believed in regrets. As much as I felt all the bad emotions - guilt, shame, rejection, depression, low self-esteem, etc. - I've never truly regretted anything because I know I am here today because those things happened, because I made those choices.
There are so many choices that we can make....and I believe that God gives us those choices to make. He's given us free will; there is no denying that at the end of the day we have to make a choice. He is not a dictator. He loves us to much to force us to do anything...but He's given us so many outlets to make the right choices. Still, sometimes we don't...and regardless of the choices I've made in the last year, I know that it is okay in His eyes that I didn't make the right choice. I don't think He likes it necessarily, like I don't like making the wrong choice. But it is an opportunity for Him to further show us His Amazing Grace...another way for Him to share His love for us. And, by extention, that shows us so many more ways of how to show grace - His Grace - and love - His Love - to others around us: believers, non-believers, acquaintances, strangers, friends, family.
Every now and again I have a slight pang of regret about something but it never stays long....because the very next second He reminds me of how He worked it out for the good and the fruit that came of it for either me or someone else.
So though I haven't been happy or have completely understood what has happened in the last year...how I did both take chances and promise things that I didn't always follow through with...where I am now, who I am, who I am becoming and the people that are around me now are right where they should be.
I could've gotten here by a different path...but you know? Tonight I realized that I wouldn't change it...even the most difficult parts of the last year. I wouldn't change a thing.
8.23.2009
Romans 12
First read all of this passage (this is the New King James Version):
Romans 12
I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. 2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
3 For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith. 4 For as we have many members in one body, but all the members do not have the same function, 5 so we, being many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another. 6 Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, let us prophesy in proportion to our faith; 7 or ministry, let us use it in our ministering; he who teaches, in teaching; 8 he who exhorts, in exhortation; he who gives, with liberality; he who leads, with diligence; he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness.
9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. 10 Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; 11 not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; 12 rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; 13 distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. 16 Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion. 17 Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. 18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written,
“Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,”[a] says the Lord. 20 Therefore
“ If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
If he is thirsty, give him a drink;
For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”[b]
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Throughout this summer, I have visited many different churches. I am remaining a member of my current church, as God has shown me that He wants me to serve there still. However, He's given me a great gift by telling me to explore and seek out answers to my questions...and He truly has guided my search. This morning is no different.
First let me say that the two passages that have greatly been central to my life over the last 6 months has been the entire book of Matthew with emphasis on Jesus' preaching and Romans 12 (with a bit of Acts mixed in). Today, I want to share some revelations on Romans 12 that have shaped me and are continuing to shape me.
About a month and 1/2 ago, a friend of mine gave me verses in Romans 12 in sharing what she thought of me and my gifts. They were very kind words and thoughts....but they were words and thoughts that I did not believe I reflected well at all...I wished to reflect what she thought of me but I just didnt' believe that I could be thought of in that light ever. I have flaws like everyone else and I see those stronger than my strengths.
But God has changed my heart and has shown me what He truly meant for me to learn through my friend's comments and revelation about me through her eyes...because what she was really doing is seeing me through God's eyes. She was His vessel to me for this particular lesson that I needed to learn.
Anyway, it made me focus not only on those verses but on the context of the entire passage...all of chapter 12 in Romans. I highlighted a few of those passages that kept leaping from the page as I studied it. And as I listened to the sermon this morning (not at my church of membership but the one I visited this morning), the entire passage of Romans 12 jumped out to me again.
There are so many lessons to be learned from that passage...but the lesson that really stood out was that of being unique and being part of a whole, yet important all on your own, too. Too often, we get so wrapped up in the spiritual gift part of this passage that we don't see the whole context of what the writer of Romans is trying to get across. We are to be all of who God hand-knitted us to be. We are not to be anyone else or have anyone else's gifts. But we are to be available at all times to be used by God in any way. We all have spiritual gifts that God has blessed us with and we need to use those for His service...He has given them to each of us individually and uniquely because He made us and meant for us to have that gift to use for His purpose right where we are at....wherever we are at the moment.
Too often we look at other's gifts and want what someone else has...just like coveting our neighbors... the no-no of Commandment 10. It is not wrong to seek out each gift; we must do that to fully know the ones that God has given us; it is also good to be available for God to use us surprisingly by using one of the Spiritual gifts we don't normally have whenever He needs for us to have it. But I think we forget that no matter the spiritual gifts we have, that we are all part of one body that goes beyond the borders - or should I say the buildings - of our church.
Honestly, there are churches out there that are more cultish than spiritual or seeking God's will...but there is no perfect church either. However, we have a responsibility to other believers around the world to be a part of the whole...no matter what church they attend. And it's important to have accountability (not judgement; that's another blog for another time) as God has made known we are to "come together" in support of each other and in worship to Him. We are not meant to be alone in more than one way...this is included in that.
Regardless of where we serve, there is one thing we all have to remember we have in common: Jesus is the Son of the Living God, He sacrificed himself so that all our sins are covered...and that God loved us so much that He sacrificed His Son to create a bridge for us to never ever be separated from Him again. In Jesus' place, God left us the Holy Spirit to guide us in a personal relationship with Him. This is the Trinity. And the Trinity is based on great love for all of us, His creation.
At the end of each day - and might I suggest, the beginning too - that this is the whole Truth. That everything else we fight over or disagree with isn't as important as remembering this. That if we truly know and understand this one thing and live our lives in such a way that reflects this kind of love that God has given us...everything else will fall into place. Because as Jesus tells us in Matthew 22:34-40:
34 But when the Pharisees heard that He had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together. 35 Then one of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, and saying, 36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?” 37 Jesus said to him, “ ‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’[d] 38 This is the first and great commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’[e] 40 On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
Even the secular world knows that Love is what makes the world go round. So why do we, as Christians, knowing and believing in this Great Love, have such a hard time showing it or giving it or using what we have to give and show it?
That is not a question I need anyone to answer for me...but it is one we should all find a way to answer in our own lives. How can you love God's people? He is and will always be the only One who can help you answer that question.
What will you do today to show love to someone...to serve Him...and help His people?
Romans 12
I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. 2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
3 For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith. 4 For as we have many members in one body, but all the members do not have the same function, 5 so we, being many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another. 6 Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, let us prophesy in proportion to our faith; 7 or ministry, let us use it in our ministering; he who teaches, in teaching; 8 he who exhorts, in exhortation; he who gives, with liberality; he who leads, with diligence; he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness.
9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. 10 Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; 11 not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; 12 rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; 13 distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. 16 Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion. 17 Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. 18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written,
“Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,”[a] says the Lord. 20 Therefore
“ If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
If he is thirsty, give him a drink;
For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”[b]
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Throughout this summer, I have visited many different churches. I am remaining a member of my current church, as God has shown me that He wants me to serve there still. However, He's given me a great gift by telling me to explore and seek out answers to my questions...and He truly has guided my search. This morning is no different.
First let me say that the two passages that have greatly been central to my life over the last 6 months has been the entire book of Matthew with emphasis on Jesus' preaching and Romans 12 (with a bit of Acts mixed in). Today, I want to share some revelations on Romans 12 that have shaped me and are continuing to shape me.
About a month and 1/2 ago, a friend of mine gave me verses in Romans 12 in sharing what she thought of me and my gifts. They were very kind words and thoughts....but they were words and thoughts that I did not believe I reflected well at all...I wished to reflect what she thought of me but I just didnt' believe that I could be thought of in that light ever. I have flaws like everyone else and I see those stronger than my strengths.
But God has changed my heart and has shown me what He truly meant for me to learn through my friend's comments and revelation about me through her eyes...because what she was really doing is seeing me through God's eyes. She was His vessel to me for this particular lesson that I needed to learn.
Anyway, it made me focus not only on those verses but on the context of the entire passage...all of chapter 12 in Romans. I highlighted a few of those passages that kept leaping from the page as I studied it. And as I listened to the sermon this morning (not at my church of membership but the one I visited this morning), the entire passage of Romans 12 jumped out to me again.
There are so many lessons to be learned from that passage...but the lesson that really stood out was that of being unique and being part of a whole, yet important all on your own, too. Too often, we get so wrapped up in the spiritual gift part of this passage that we don't see the whole context of what the writer of Romans is trying to get across. We are to be all of who God hand-knitted us to be. We are not to be anyone else or have anyone else's gifts. But we are to be available at all times to be used by God in any way. We all have spiritual gifts that God has blessed us with and we need to use those for His service...He has given them to each of us individually and uniquely because He made us and meant for us to have that gift to use for His purpose right where we are at....wherever we are at the moment.
Too often we look at other's gifts and want what someone else has...just like coveting our neighbors... the no-no of Commandment 10. It is not wrong to seek out each gift; we must do that to fully know the ones that God has given us; it is also good to be available for God to use us surprisingly by using one of the Spiritual gifts we don't normally have whenever He needs for us to have it. But I think we forget that no matter the spiritual gifts we have, that we are all part of one body that goes beyond the borders - or should I say the buildings - of our church.
Honestly, there are churches out there that are more cultish than spiritual or seeking God's will...but there is no perfect church either. However, we have a responsibility to other believers around the world to be a part of the whole...no matter what church they attend. And it's important to have accountability (not judgement; that's another blog for another time) as God has made known we are to "come together" in support of each other and in worship to Him. We are not meant to be alone in more than one way...this is included in that.
Regardless of where we serve, there is one thing we all have to remember we have in common: Jesus is the Son of the Living God, He sacrificed himself so that all our sins are covered...and that God loved us so much that He sacrificed His Son to create a bridge for us to never ever be separated from Him again. In Jesus' place, God left us the Holy Spirit to guide us in a personal relationship with Him. This is the Trinity. And the Trinity is based on great love for all of us, His creation.
At the end of each day - and might I suggest, the beginning too - that this is the whole Truth. That everything else we fight over or disagree with isn't as important as remembering this. That if we truly know and understand this one thing and live our lives in such a way that reflects this kind of love that God has given us...everything else will fall into place. Because as Jesus tells us in Matthew 22:34-40:
34 But when the Pharisees heard that He had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together. 35 Then one of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, and saying, 36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?” 37 Jesus said to him, “ ‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’[d] 38 This is the first and great commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’[e] 40 On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
Even the secular world knows that Love is what makes the world go round. So why do we, as Christians, knowing and believing in this Great Love, have such a hard time showing it or giving it or using what we have to give and show it?
That is not a question I need anyone to answer for me...but it is one we should all find a way to answer in our own lives. How can you love God's people? He is and will always be the only One who can help you answer that question.
What will you do today to show love to someone...to serve Him...and help His people?
8.17.2009
Intsomnia 11:44 p.m. 8/17/09
So...I have to be up and at 'em in 5 hours but I have something to get off my mind before I can sleep. I've tended to use my laptop to journal anymore. Sometimes it's a note on facebook, sometimes its on my blog and sometimes it's just a word document. Tonight, my blogger is my avenue.
I had three dreams...well, four in the last three weeks...that have had some meaning to them. I only want to talk about the one though. One of three I had tonight. It didn't have anything to do with me...or should I say, I wasn't in it...I was just watching everything unfold. A man stood in a large room, like an auditorium but the walls were dingy and it seemed musty...not a nice high school auditorium...a very dilapidated high school. Anyway, a kid in a funny looking costume was first in line for an autograph but the celebrity or sports guy (apparently it didn't matter who he was because I never saw his face or really much of his stature, mostly just his legs and torso beginning about his chest). He thought the kid had cut in front so he sent him to the back of the line. When he finally got to the kid, his heart was really hard toward him and he overheard the kid say that he was going to sell the autograph for money...he shoed the kid away not listening to the rest of what the kid said.
You could tell now with no other kids around that the costume the kid was wearing wasn't a costume. He wore clothes that were worn, torn and too big for his body. He looked like a boy dressed as a hobo with dirt as his makeup. Rejected, the boys eyes started to water as he turned away, hanging his head and walkign out the door. Immediately out the door, the celebrity guy felt a pang of guilt but brushed it away. However, as the man later walked out the same door he heard a faint sobbing and heard the boy say out loud, "now what am I supposed to do?....I'm so hungry and my dad is so sick." There was no way that the boy knew the man had heard him. The boy started to walk down the alley to the back of the high school and the man followed him. What he saw next was excruciatingly painful. A man was sitting against the cold wall with two other children. All of them were like the boy: they looked worn, tattered and beaten by life. I felt the man's change of heart in my dream and he walked quickly toward the boy, not realizing he had picked up his own photograph that the boy had dropped in the puddle-ridden alley, and called out to him, "Son! You forgot this." The boy turned around and he saw the famous man. A big smile flashed across his face. "I hope I didn't hurt you," the man said. "God saw that you were special and wanted me to come to see you by myself." The boy turned to his dad and said, "See, I told you he would help us." The man just knew to answer, "I'd like to if you'd let me." The father of the boy and two other children just said, "okay," in a weak, fragile but masculine voice.
Then it was like these quick flashes of light with scenes of how the man helped the boy and his family. As I sit here reading this, I somehow know that if these were real people, that boy helped so many people because of the blessing of the famous man. That one famous man had helped this little boy, and through just that one little gesture, had changed the world.
But the reason why I'm writing this right now is because I knew the moment I woke up from that dream that the famous man was me. I so want to help so many people but I find myself not wanting to even look at the pain around me. Instead, I shoo it away and go about my life, not really and truly helping those less fortunate. And I excuse it by not knowing how I can when I don't have the money that the famous man did to change the boys life. I keep telling myself, "maybe in a year, when I'm out of debt..."..."maybe when I have a nice house and can help someone back on their feet by giving them room and board for free for awhile..."..."maybe when I have more time and don't have to work so much, I can serve more..." Oh, Tiffany, how you've convinced yourself that you don't have enough to help and are doomed for the meantime to sit by and watch people suffer! It's so not true!
I can't help each person who suffers but I can change at least one life. I don't need to be debt free or make every right decision or be beautiful or perfect or have enough time in my day or be older or be married or be single or be anything more than what I am now. God uses us where we were, where we are and where we are going to be. He doesn't put parameters around us, me. I do that....and I need to stop.
Show me Lord who I am to help...in little and big ways...and don't let me get in Your way. I pray that I will be an open vessel to be a blessing to someone as so many have been blessings to me.
I love you and your people...and I want to know how to show it, Lord. Help me to be more like You. Help me to love more.
In your son's name, Jesus Christ, I pray, Amen.
I had three dreams...well, four in the last three weeks...that have had some meaning to them. I only want to talk about the one though. One of three I had tonight. It didn't have anything to do with me...or should I say, I wasn't in it...I was just watching everything unfold. A man stood in a large room, like an auditorium but the walls were dingy and it seemed musty...not a nice high school auditorium...a very dilapidated high school. Anyway, a kid in a funny looking costume was first in line for an autograph but the celebrity or sports guy (apparently it didn't matter who he was because I never saw his face or really much of his stature, mostly just his legs and torso beginning about his chest). He thought the kid had cut in front so he sent him to the back of the line. When he finally got to the kid, his heart was really hard toward him and he overheard the kid say that he was going to sell the autograph for money...he shoed the kid away not listening to the rest of what the kid said.
You could tell now with no other kids around that the costume the kid was wearing wasn't a costume. He wore clothes that were worn, torn and too big for his body. He looked like a boy dressed as a hobo with dirt as his makeup. Rejected, the boys eyes started to water as he turned away, hanging his head and walkign out the door. Immediately out the door, the celebrity guy felt a pang of guilt but brushed it away. However, as the man later walked out the same door he heard a faint sobbing and heard the boy say out loud, "now what am I supposed to do?....I'm so hungry and my dad is so sick." There was no way that the boy knew the man had heard him. The boy started to walk down the alley to the back of the high school and the man followed him. What he saw next was excruciatingly painful. A man was sitting against the cold wall with two other children. All of them were like the boy: they looked worn, tattered and beaten by life. I felt the man's change of heart in my dream and he walked quickly toward the boy, not realizing he had picked up his own photograph that the boy had dropped in the puddle-ridden alley, and called out to him, "Son! You forgot this." The boy turned around and he saw the famous man. A big smile flashed across his face. "I hope I didn't hurt you," the man said. "God saw that you were special and wanted me to come to see you by myself." The boy turned to his dad and said, "See, I told you he would help us." The man just knew to answer, "I'd like to if you'd let me." The father of the boy and two other children just said, "okay," in a weak, fragile but masculine voice.
Then it was like these quick flashes of light with scenes of how the man helped the boy and his family. As I sit here reading this, I somehow know that if these were real people, that boy helped so many people because of the blessing of the famous man. That one famous man had helped this little boy, and through just that one little gesture, had changed the world.
But the reason why I'm writing this right now is because I knew the moment I woke up from that dream that the famous man was me. I so want to help so many people but I find myself not wanting to even look at the pain around me. Instead, I shoo it away and go about my life, not really and truly helping those less fortunate. And I excuse it by not knowing how I can when I don't have the money that the famous man did to change the boys life. I keep telling myself, "maybe in a year, when I'm out of debt..."..."maybe when I have a nice house and can help someone back on their feet by giving them room and board for free for awhile..."..."maybe when I have more time and don't have to work so much, I can serve more..." Oh, Tiffany, how you've convinced yourself that you don't have enough to help and are doomed for the meantime to sit by and watch people suffer! It's so not true!
I can't help each person who suffers but I can change at least one life. I don't need to be debt free or make every right decision or be beautiful or perfect or have enough time in my day or be older or be married or be single or be anything more than what I am now. God uses us where we were, where we are and where we are going to be. He doesn't put parameters around us, me. I do that....and I need to stop.
Show me Lord who I am to help...in little and big ways...and don't let me get in Your way. I pray that I will be an open vessel to be a blessing to someone as so many have been blessings to me.
I love you and your people...and I want to know how to show it, Lord. Help me to be more like You. Help me to love more.
In your son's name, Jesus Christ, I pray, Amen.
7.30.2009
Love
I looked up the definition of love today. Here is what http://www.m-w.com/ said:
Love - 1 a (1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties(2): attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b: an assurance of love 2: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion 3 a: the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration b (1): a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment (2)British —used as an informal term of address4 a: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1): the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2): brotherly concern for others b: a person's adoration of God5: a god or personification of love6: an amorous episode : love affair7: the sexual embrace : copulation8: a score of zero (as in tennis)9capitalized Christian Science : god
— at love
: holding one's opponent scoreless in tennis
— in love
: inspired by affection
Okay, so if you didn't read all that, no problem. There's a lot of definitions of love...but what stands out to me is how I define love. How I've defined it in relation to and in opposite of Merriem-Webster's definition of it.
I have "loved" a lot, in many ways. But I don't love all the time...there are times that I feel anger and hurt and indifference. But I can still love in those times...God does. For as much as we test him, hurt him, turn away from him, disobey him, He still finds ways to love us at all times...unconditional.
My job is to love Him and others the same way. Do I do that? I don't really know. I'm too human to make that judgement of myself or others. But what I do know is that I love Him, I love my family and friends, my co-workers, ets and all the kids I know. And one thing that I do know about myself is that I've never been "in love" with any man. That was a revelation to me earlier today. God has helped me to not fall "in love" with the wrong men. The closest man I ever truly loved (in the "in love" sense) was years ago; it wasn't my last boyfriend or any of the guys I've dated since or just before. And though there have been times where I've been frustrated with my singleness, wondering if I'll ever be enough for any man, it's this that I am so greatful of: I haven't loved the wrong man. I am waiting; being patient; praying for; and trusting that God is preparing the right man for me...or the right single path. Even at 33...He could be calling me to singleness like Paul. I don't feel that at all; but I need to keep it an option. I want to want always what God wants; not what my humanity wants.
So today I learned a lot more about love...read Matthew 22:36-40 again...and that it's worth waiting for my One True Love to show me who my one true earthly love is. :-)
In the meantime, I can practice loving God's people genuinely and in abundance. It's always good practice to love.
Love - 1 a (1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
— at love
: holding one's opponent scoreless in tennis
— in love
: inspired by affection
Okay, so if you didn't read all that, no problem. There's a lot of definitions of love...but what stands out to me is how I define love. How I've defined it in relation to and in opposite of Merriem-Webster's definition of it.
I have "loved" a lot, in many ways. But I don't love all the time...there are times that I feel anger and hurt and indifference. But I can still love in those times...God does. For as much as we test him, hurt him, turn away from him, disobey him, He still finds ways to love us at all times...unconditional.
My job is to love Him and others the same way. Do I do that? I don't really know. I'm too human to make that judgement of myself or others. But what I do know is that I love Him, I love my family and friends, my co-workers, ets and all the kids I know. And one thing that I do know about myself is that I've never been "in love" with any man. That was a revelation to me earlier today. God has helped me to not fall "in love" with the wrong men. The closest man I ever truly loved (in the "in love" sense) was years ago; it wasn't my last boyfriend or any of the guys I've dated since or just before. And though there have been times where I've been frustrated with my singleness, wondering if I'll ever be enough for any man, it's this that I am so greatful of: I haven't loved the wrong man. I am waiting; being patient; praying for; and trusting that God is preparing the right man for me...or the right single path. Even at 33...He could be calling me to singleness like Paul. I don't feel that at all; but I need to keep it an option. I want to want always what God wants; not what my humanity wants.
So today I learned a lot more about love...read Matthew 22:36-40 again...and that it's worth waiting for my One True Love to show me who my one true earthly love is. :-)
In the meantime, I can practice loving God's people genuinely and in abundance. It's always good practice to love.
7.29.2009
Centerpiece
I started to sing yesterday...out loud in public. Yes, I did. This morning, I sang most of the time I walked Theda. I don't remember seeing anyone but I sang. It was such a release. And I remembered the hymns, too! But one song I couldn't remember and it bothers me now.
It's called "Centerpiece" and was written by a former worship minister of mine. It is honestly one of my most favorite songs ever. Honestly, I will make sure it's played during my wedding ceremony (whenever that happens). But this morning as I was walking and singing what I could remember, all jumbled up...it got me to thinking all day long about my Centerpiece; about how well I let my Centerpiece control my life...and how well I don't, but let others.
I've been reading and listening to five different "preachers." I've compared what they say about Biblical principles; and what they agree on or don't. It's been a little rough at times to discern...and I can see that during those rough times I acted out a bit or had a mini-freak out on a friend, or went to this selfish place (or what came across as being selfish). But I see why I reacted those ways: I was worrying too much about trying to consolidate everyone's viewpoint into one somehow that I could believe in but not focusing on the one thing that I needed to: and that was making sure my Centerpiece was in control...not someone else or some spiritual philosophy. Because I see so clearly that God is the only one that truly matters. His words are life. Yes, we need some people to help us get through some things, but we shouldn't end up "following" them...we have to keep following God. Because not everyone who we look up to is going to be right all the time about everything concerning God. They will be wrong at times. But one thing that I know clearly is that God will always steer you right. He will speak to you through prayer, meditation, fasting, solitude, silence, journaling, nature, people and even directly with words (I've heard him actually talk to me three times before clear as day)....you just have to be available. That's it. You have to make yourself available to Him, and Him only.
I've read a lot of books lately....but there isn't one that everything in it is right (even if I love the author or agree with most of what's in the book). Not one. When I go to the one book that counts, The Bible, and study what I'm not sure about: I'm either led to it being correct or wrong. I can't always trust people to be right all the time. It's not possible; we're too human.
But I can trust my Centerpiece. As a believer, a Christian, a Jesus-follower...whatever label you want to give me...I've been given the Holy Spirit and the grace and the wisdom to discern what is right and what is wrong. My Holy Spirit will steer me right. I have faith that no matter where I am in life, my Spirit is with me, guiding me to learn and know more about Him; growing in faith in His will; learning to love unconditionally like Him; and remembering that He is my Centerpiece.
And I need to add nothing to my Centerpiece. It's all there; everything that I need and nothing I don't. I will never understand why so many of us put so many parameters on our faith; why there is so much dis-unity in the church (not one in particular; just in general between denominations); or why we can't all love each other like God tells us, too...why we all have people, some who are friends, that we can't find common ground with. Why, if we're supposed to be unique but loving to those different than us, we can't see each others differences as beautiful? It's just so hard to understand some things.
But one thing that I do understand is that He is my Centerpiece; He's at the core of who I am; Not up or down or even off to one side.........Come, Father, take your rightful place in my life: always in the Center.
Okay...so you can see I remember only half the chorus. But I will remember the rest...especially when I get the CD from home tomorrow. :-)
It's called "Centerpiece" and was written by a former worship minister of mine. It is honestly one of my most favorite songs ever. Honestly, I will make sure it's played during my wedding ceremony (whenever that happens). But this morning as I was walking and singing what I could remember, all jumbled up...it got me to thinking all day long about my Centerpiece; about how well I let my Centerpiece control my life...and how well I don't, but let others.
I've been reading and listening to five different "preachers." I've compared what they say about Biblical principles; and what they agree on or don't. It's been a little rough at times to discern...and I can see that during those rough times I acted out a bit or had a mini-freak out on a friend, or went to this selfish place (or what came across as being selfish). But I see why I reacted those ways: I was worrying too much about trying to consolidate everyone's viewpoint into one somehow that I could believe in but not focusing on the one thing that I needed to: and that was making sure my Centerpiece was in control...not someone else or some spiritual philosophy. Because I see so clearly that God is the only one that truly matters. His words are life. Yes, we need some people to help us get through some things, but we shouldn't end up "following" them...we have to keep following God. Because not everyone who we look up to is going to be right all the time about everything concerning God. They will be wrong at times. But one thing that I know clearly is that God will always steer you right. He will speak to you through prayer, meditation, fasting, solitude, silence, journaling, nature, people and even directly with words (I've heard him actually talk to me three times before clear as day)....you just have to be available. That's it. You have to make yourself available to Him, and Him only.
I've read a lot of books lately....but there isn't one that everything in it is right (even if I love the author or agree with most of what's in the book). Not one. When I go to the one book that counts, The Bible, and study what I'm not sure about: I'm either led to it being correct or wrong. I can't always trust people to be right all the time. It's not possible; we're too human.
But I can trust my Centerpiece. As a believer, a Christian, a Jesus-follower...whatever label you want to give me...I've been given the Holy Spirit and the grace and the wisdom to discern what is right and what is wrong. My Holy Spirit will steer me right. I have faith that no matter where I am in life, my Spirit is with me, guiding me to learn and know more about Him; growing in faith in His will; learning to love unconditionally like Him; and remembering that He is my Centerpiece.
And I need to add nothing to my Centerpiece. It's all there; everything that I need and nothing I don't. I will never understand why so many of us put so many parameters on our faith; why there is so much dis-unity in the church (not one in particular; just in general between denominations); or why we can't all love each other like God tells us, too...why we all have people, some who are friends, that we can't find common ground with. Why, if we're supposed to be unique but loving to those different than us, we can't see each others differences as beautiful? It's just so hard to understand some things.
But one thing that I do understand is that He is my Centerpiece; He's at the core of who I am; Not up or down or even off to one side.........Come, Father, take your rightful place in my life: always in the Center.
Okay...so you can see I remember only half the chorus. But I will remember the rest...especially when I get the CD from home tomorrow. :-)
7.28.2009
Come Thou Fount...
Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount!
I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.
(My favorite verse)
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let that grace now like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, Lord,
O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above. :-)
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount!
I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.
(My favorite verse)
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let that grace now like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, Lord,
O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above. :-)
By Your Side
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life(Chorus 2x)
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
The above are lyrics to a song by Tenth Avenue North that has been my favorite since it came out. Every lyric speaks to me and in my recent times of uncertainty, before and after posts on facebook, or notes on my blog or just while driving to work in the early morning, I would hear it. It would play in my car or it would pop into my head. Words inspired by God to a band to write and then to release on the radio, and then to reach people who need to hear the words....for those words to inspire that person (or persons) to pray, to seek, to love, to cry, to let go, to read verses, to change their disposition to one of worship, praise and complete joy from despair, uncertainty or general sadness and depression. This is poetry; the real poetry. Not just words on a page ordered creatively...but real connection and emotion and growth in the real world to a place in the eternal world. Poetry...in it's greatest form...inspires creation to look up to it's Creator.
This song is one of my inspirations to seek The Poet. It's poetry that has gotten me to settle within minutes, instead of hours or days, reminding me of the hands that are holding me; of how those hands are the only ones I need. The only love I really need. The only love that can ever exceed all my expectations. The only love that will truly always be by my side; that drank the world's sin and gave me true and everlasting life; that is carrying me in...to Heaven.
I am alive.
I am blessed.
I am forgiven.
I am loved, eternally.
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life(Chorus 2x)
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
The above are lyrics to a song by Tenth Avenue North that has been my favorite since it came out. Every lyric speaks to me and in my recent times of uncertainty, before and after posts on facebook, or notes on my blog or just while driving to work in the early morning, I would hear it. It would play in my car or it would pop into my head. Words inspired by God to a band to write and then to release on the radio, and then to reach people who need to hear the words....for those words to inspire that person (or persons) to pray, to seek, to love, to cry, to let go, to read verses, to change their disposition to one of worship, praise and complete joy from despair, uncertainty or general sadness and depression. This is poetry; the real poetry. Not just words on a page ordered creatively...but real connection and emotion and growth in the real world to a place in the eternal world. Poetry...in it's greatest form...inspires creation to look up to it's Creator.
This song is one of my inspirations to seek The Poet. It's poetry that has gotten me to settle within minutes, instead of hours or days, reminding me of the hands that are holding me; of how those hands are the only ones I need. The only love I really need. The only love that can ever exceed all my expectations. The only love that will truly always be by my side; that drank the world's sin and gave me true and everlasting life; that is carrying me in...to Heaven.
I am alive.
I am blessed.
I am forgiven.
I am loved, eternally.
7.26.2009
Sunday Revelations
Today, I was caught off guard and overwhelmed by God. There is a peace in me that I haven't felt in a long while. I also have not been genuinely emotional like this morning in some time. Before I knew it, I was teary-eyed and singing with a shaky voice because God touched my heart so that I couldn't contain such joy and relief! It was something that I needed so much...and it came in His time, I am most certain of it.
Three of the biggest questions I've been asking in the last six months or so were answered...within 20 minutes of each other! They are not important to list here but they all have one thing in common: they all have to do with my purpose and future. I have been so lost; the picture has been so unclear. And now, I feel like I belong and that there is stable ground under my feet again. Of course, there are details that need to be worked out...but I know without a doubt what I am supposed to do now and how I am supposed to accomplish it.
Everything that I've been learning in my solitude, prayer time, walking outside, personal Bible studies and my Tuesday night Bible study has been sewn together to create this tapestry of amazing beauty. It's not finished but the pieces are there for me to work with; to fit together; and to shape for the benefit of others around me. It is going to be a gorgeous work of art...but it isn't going to be by my hands. It's going to be God using my hands to sew so delicately into one piece.
I'm so excited...and sooo at peace now. It's such an awesome feeling.
Of course, not all the questions are answered; but I have no doubts and complete faith that those "little things" will be worked out by His crafty hands. No doubt. :-)
Three of the biggest questions I've been asking in the last six months or so were answered...within 20 minutes of each other! They are not important to list here but they all have one thing in common: they all have to do with my purpose and future. I have been so lost; the picture has been so unclear. And now, I feel like I belong and that there is stable ground under my feet again. Of course, there are details that need to be worked out...but I know without a doubt what I am supposed to do now and how I am supposed to accomplish it.
Everything that I've been learning in my solitude, prayer time, walking outside, personal Bible studies and my Tuesday night Bible study has been sewn together to create this tapestry of amazing beauty. It's not finished but the pieces are there for me to work with; to fit together; and to shape for the benefit of others around me. It is going to be a gorgeous work of art...but it isn't going to be by my hands. It's going to be God using my hands to sew so delicately into one piece.
I'm so excited...and sooo at peace now. It's such an awesome feeling.
Of course, not all the questions are answered; but I have no doubts and complete faith that those "little things" will be worked out by His crafty hands. No doubt. :-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
