Sometimes I feel like I'm back in high school. In fact, I thought about a high school crush of mine the other day. He was a soccer player. Our boys won the title that year and I put them on the front page of the newspaper. Actually, there were two on the team that I kind of had crushes on but we just didn't hang in the same circles - if you know what I mean. Anyway, he came to mind because I was reading the current issue of Sports Illustrated which has four of our US Soccer players on the cover. Plus, I was thinking about my whole little "boy" issue that I've been writing a lot about lately. I've also had a couple conversations with some of my women friends about men we know right now and are interested in so I've just started to feel like I'm back in high school.
But, if you really think about it, aren't we always "still in high school?" I mean, when does that time period in our lives never effect what we're doing now? It seems to me that whatever happened to us in high school affects the rest of our lives. Whether that is negatively or positively isn't the issue. It's that what happened then shaped where we wanted to go - either we refused to be anything like ourselves back then or we found ourselves then and just wanted to stay that way.
I don't regret my high school experiences but I do know that I want my kids to do a little more than I did. I want them to try out for sports and be more involved in student government, if they have those interests. I was always interested in lots of things but lacked the confidence in myself to even try them. I just never felt people would accept me if I failed. But I'm beginning to see that any failures I had in front of people may have given me respect from those same people - but I never even tried.
I didn't show interest in guys that I had crushes on either. I don't regret that but I can see that it is a behavior that I've taken into adulthood. There are reasons why we are attracted to everyone that we are personally attracted to but sometimes we just don't act on them for one reason or another. I'm beginning to think that that is wrong. It's not that we should go after every person that we like but we should at least find out why we are attracted to them - and there are other ways to do that than to go out on a date. For example, I previously made a committment to get to know one of my guy friends better because I found myself unexpectedly attracted to him in more than a friendly way. So, instead of calling him up and asking him, "Will you go out with me?", I have made attempts to converse with him more one on one or in a small group. I have to find out where my attraction to him lies and if it's enough to let him know in some way that I am interested in him. I think it's important that we're cautious but not so much that we do nothing - which is what has been my M.O. in the past.
I was very proud of myself for yesterdays small coup. There was a cookout yesterday at a friends and I made myself part of several conversations that I would have previously backed out of because I was attracted to the guy and didn't want to make him think that I liked him. Instead of letting him or anyone else start the conversation, I started it. It's easy for me to start something with some of my women friends but guys? That's so hard for me - especially with ones that I'm attracted to. So, I made another small step yesterday when it comes to being more social with men. And I'm saying this because unless we're talking about sports, I usually don't talk to guys. I mean, I talk to my guy friends now mostly about sports and that's why I think I have so many now - because we can all get together and converse that way and it feel easy (but that's also because two of them have never known that I was once attracted to both of them). It's easy for me to talk that way but to just ask about their normal lives, it's so hard for me to do that and not give away that I like them so I just don't talk to them about their personal lives. I kind of just let them reveal themselves to me if they so happen to do that.
But that stops now. How am I going to figure out reasons why I'm attracted to certain guys if I don't get to know them. So, short of dating, I'm going to treat them the same as my other friends - unless there's a point that it's definite there's a mutual attraction there. But I have to speak to them before anything can happen. I mean, goodness, what's wrong with me? Nobody can grow in relationship, even if it's just a friendship, if you never talk.
It's so simple, isn't it? But, unfortunately, sometimes the simple things are hard to do...like pressing send on an e-mail to submit your first story. It's easy but it took me at least 10 years to finally do it. :-) I just hope it doesn't take me that long for the next step. :-)
6.05.2006
6.02.2006
Post 116: A little more confident
I finally did it! I had enough confidence in myself to send one of my stories out. I actually, really and truly, submitted a story to the Writer's Digest contest. Though I'm having serious doubts that not more than one of the judges will even like it enough to read it through, I still took a huge step. I'm very proud of myself but know that it is only a start. Of course, I won't know how good of a start until October (when they contact the winners) but its' a start. Now that I've taken the first step, it doesn't feel so bad. So...I need to find other contests or magazines and just start submitting to them. I fully realize that it may take me 100 tries before I sell one, win a contest with one, or even just get into a publication for free but - now that I've taken that first step - it will get easier to allow someone to read my writing and critique it. How am I going to get better or achieve my life-long dream if I don't get out there? I won't. So, needless to say, I'm excited that I finally took the first step.
This last recent trip to CA also made me discipline myself in areas of my life that I seriously lack it. Whether or not I make $15,000 or $50,000 a year, I need to manage my money better. What does this mean to me? It means no credit cards. None. It means that I pay off my debt and don't allow myself to have any more debt once I'm completely out of it - except if it's a mortgage. That would be good debt - and unless I'm a millionaire, I have to have a mortgage to own a house. I've relayed this message to my bible study and my closest friends, explaining to them that if I don't go to movies or out to dinner as much as in the past, that it isn't because of them. And I don't expect them to support me financially - even though they would if I asked. It's wonderful that they have accepted it and want to help me with my new disciplined lifestyle.
Though I'm not horrible with money, I'm not great with it so I'm really hoping God's choice of husband for me is also good with money - not stingy (we should still be able to enjoy life a little) - but knows how to handle it better than me. That's definitely a characteristic that I want in a husband. Of course, I'm going to have to date men that will turn out to be not the right one for awhile. But at least I know one more thing that will help me determine which one is God's pick for me. I'm completely convinced that the area of money is not my strong suit so my future mate has to complement me at least in this way: by being better at budgeting and money issues. :-)
Today is a beautiful day in Bloomington. Though I have to work all day today which is not usual (Friday's are only supposed to be 1/2 days for me), I'm excited to go for a walk with my friend after work. I've never walked on the Clear Creek Trail before so I'm really looking forward to it. And two of my friends wouldn't take no for an answer when I told them that I couldn't go to the movies tonight. Though I did protest, they are paying for my ticket because they want us all to be together tonight. But I haven't told them that I have a list and am going to pay them back one day when I'm back on my feet. It may be in treating them in the future or paying them back in cash, but I want to make sure that I don't ever take advantage of all the nice things that God has given me - and that includes my friends.
To be honest, my biggest sin is handling money. Not all my debt has been avoidable but about 1/3 to 1/2 of it certainly had the potential to be avoided. So spiritually, this has been the real issue to hinder a lot of the parts of my life - that includes dating and the like. I don't want to be involved with somebody seriously and then have to break up because he sees my financial woes. I know it may sound stupid but relationships are hard in the first place; bringing an issue into the relationship like money only burdens it more.
So there are lots of days that I'm relieved that no one is interested in me that I'd be interested in, too. On the other hand, I can't help wanting to date at an age that people expect to me to at least be married. I expected to be married by now. In fact, I had a friend that made a comment a few weeks ago in response to something I said. I said, "I should be married by then - at least by the time I'm 40." He joked, "That soon?" I'll admit that his comment hurt me a bit but it's kind of true. I have dated but I can tell you their names, what we did and what month/year it was. I've gone out with approximately 12 men in my life - most of those were one daters and none of them would even be remotely considered boyfriends. I have come to think of myself as 1) a late bloomer, 2) cautious of dating men not of the same spirituality as me, and 3) careful to pick out those guys I lust for and the guys I'm truly interested in having a relationship with. But I'm also scared to get hurt again - and there isn't anyone I know in my life now of the guys I'm interested in that are interested back. No offense to anyone who is reading this and may be one of the following, but I seem to attract way older men (try 20-30 years older), men who are between 250-300 pounds (and I'm not talking muscle) and men who have harsh personalities/want to control me. And I get a lot of the weird ones, too. You can tell that I'm not too blessed in the man department. I don't want to go out with a model-type or athlete per se, but he should at least take care of himself a little bit and be closer to my age with a personality that meshes with mine. That's it. I would even go out with a guy who is 40 if he and I had the right chemistry. But over 40 and under 25 would be a little much, I think. I mean, my parents are only 20 years older than me - it would be weird to go out with someone closer to my dads age than mine. And younger than 25? Well, that would be wierd, too, because let's face it - I'm not old enough to be robbing the cradle but I'm old enough to know that an early 20's guy is too immature for even me. The main fact of the matter is that he doesn't have to be drop dead gorgeous but I have to be attracted to him physically, spiritually and mentally. I've had some gems along the way but none of them worked - and the emphasis is on how few of them there have been (2, maybe 3). So I have to assume that these feelings I'm having for a certain guy right now are not God-sponsored, otherwise he'd be responding to me. And he isn't. So...it makes me relieved because I really need to focus on getting out of debt but sad that no one wants to be with me just like I am. And it would be nice to have support (finally) from someone who cares for me romantically and not one that's related or just a friend. I truly long for that type of relationship - no matter how hard people say it is or how they tell me I'm better off without it. Anything that takes at least a little work, is worth it. And God never meant for us to be alone. Some of us are meant for life-long celebacy and servitude but I know that I'm not one of those.
I know, I know. Everyone has the same trouble with relationships and money. I guess that I'm just more vocal about it. :-)
This last recent trip to CA also made me discipline myself in areas of my life that I seriously lack it. Whether or not I make $15,000 or $50,000 a year, I need to manage my money better. What does this mean to me? It means no credit cards. None. It means that I pay off my debt and don't allow myself to have any more debt once I'm completely out of it - except if it's a mortgage. That would be good debt - and unless I'm a millionaire, I have to have a mortgage to own a house. I've relayed this message to my bible study and my closest friends, explaining to them that if I don't go to movies or out to dinner as much as in the past, that it isn't because of them. And I don't expect them to support me financially - even though they would if I asked. It's wonderful that they have accepted it and want to help me with my new disciplined lifestyle.
Though I'm not horrible with money, I'm not great with it so I'm really hoping God's choice of husband for me is also good with money - not stingy (we should still be able to enjoy life a little) - but knows how to handle it better than me. That's definitely a characteristic that I want in a husband. Of course, I'm going to have to date men that will turn out to be not the right one for awhile. But at least I know one more thing that will help me determine which one is God's pick for me. I'm completely convinced that the area of money is not my strong suit so my future mate has to complement me at least in this way: by being better at budgeting and money issues. :-)
Today is a beautiful day in Bloomington. Though I have to work all day today which is not usual (Friday's are only supposed to be 1/2 days for me), I'm excited to go for a walk with my friend after work. I've never walked on the Clear Creek Trail before so I'm really looking forward to it. And two of my friends wouldn't take no for an answer when I told them that I couldn't go to the movies tonight. Though I did protest, they are paying for my ticket because they want us all to be together tonight. But I haven't told them that I have a list and am going to pay them back one day when I'm back on my feet. It may be in treating them in the future or paying them back in cash, but I want to make sure that I don't ever take advantage of all the nice things that God has given me - and that includes my friends.
To be honest, my biggest sin is handling money. Not all my debt has been avoidable but about 1/3 to 1/2 of it certainly had the potential to be avoided. So spiritually, this has been the real issue to hinder a lot of the parts of my life - that includes dating and the like. I don't want to be involved with somebody seriously and then have to break up because he sees my financial woes. I know it may sound stupid but relationships are hard in the first place; bringing an issue into the relationship like money only burdens it more.
So there are lots of days that I'm relieved that no one is interested in me that I'd be interested in, too. On the other hand, I can't help wanting to date at an age that people expect to me to at least be married. I expected to be married by now. In fact, I had a friend that made a comment a few weeks ago in response to something I said. I said, "I should be married by then - at least by the time I'm 40." He joked, "That soon?" I'll admit that his comment hurt me a bit but it's kind of true. I have dated but I can tell you their names, what we did and what month/year it was. I've gone out with approximately 12 men in my life - most of those were one daters and none of them would even be remotely considered boyfriends. I have come to think of myself as 1) a late bloomer, 2) cautious of dating men not of the same spirituality as me, and 3) careful to pick out those guys I lust for and the guys I'm truly interested in having a relationship with. But I'm also scared to get hurt again - and there isn't anyone I know in my life now of the guys I'm interested in that are interested back. No offense to anyone who is reading this and may be one of the following, but I seem to attract way older men (try 20-30 years older), men who are between 250-300 pounds (and I'm not talking muscle) and men who have harsh personalities/want to control me. And I get a lot of the weird ones, too. You can tell that I'm not too blessed in the man department. I don't want to go out with a model-type or athlete per se, but he should at least take care of himself a little bit and be closer to my age with a personality that meshes with mine. That's it. I would even go out with a guy who is 40 if he and I had the right chemistry. But over 40 and under 25 would be a little much, I think. I mean, my parents are only 20 years older than me - it would be weird to go out with someone closer to my dads age than mine. And younger than 25? Well, that would be wierd, too, because let's face it - I'm not old enough to be robbing the cradle but I'm old enough to know that an early 20's guy is too immature for even me. The main fact of the matter is that he doesn't have to be drop dead gorgeous but I have to be attracted to him physically, spiritually and mentally. I've had some gems along the way but none of them worked - and the emphasis is on how few of them there have been (2, maybe 3). So I have to assume that these feelings I'm having for a certain guy right now are not God-sponsored, otherwise he'd be responding to me. And he isn't. So...it makes me relieved because I really need to focus on getting out of debt but sad that no one wants to be with me just like I am. And it would be nice to have support (finally) from someone who cares for me romantically and not one that's related or just a friend. I truly long for that type of relationship - no matter how hard people say it is or how they tell me I'm better off without it. Anything that takes at least a little work, is worth it. And God never meant for us to be alone. Some of us are meant for life-long celebacy and servitude but I know that I'm not one of those.
I know, I know. Everyone has the same trouble with relationships and money. I guess that I'm just more vocal about it. :-)
5.22.2006
Post 115: Bad days
There's a very popular song on the radio right now - one that I actually like. It's not a fun song or a happy song or a club type song. No - it's a real song and a real sad song. But it's not so sad that it makes you cry. It does, however, make you sing along with the depressing lyrics and reflect upon your life - mainly the bad days. It also sneakily entertwines hope throughout the song. It's very, very subtle but it's there.
Well, I've had a series of bad days but I have been ironically calm. I feel hope, strength, love, grace, mercy, faith and a little bit of resignation. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? Well, I have to give over these bad days hoping that good days will come after. And I really need lots of good days.
In fact, I'm letting go of a few things. As you all well know, I've had an issue with my personal life. I have to constantly figure out why I don't date or don't seem to be attracted to the right person. Well, I have to not worry about that. I have one goal and it's too big to add to it. That goal is to find a full-time job with benefits so I can pay down my debt - no, so I can pay OFF my debt. Though it would be nice to be with someone finally who is attracted to me and I'm attracted back, that has to not be a concern for me. If it happens, it happens. But if it doesn't, I shouldn't worry about it. God's timing is His timing; mine isn't important.
But sometimes the bad days can make you reflect upon your life in a better way - you see things you hadn't seen before. You understand things better. I feel like I understand things better today than I have in a while. For example: I have liked a particular male friend of mine for awhile. I don't really know why since I don't really know a lot about him but yet there's an attraction there - on my end, anyway. His end - well, that's a bit confusing. He has been more vocal and physical in my presence lately. I don't mean in a sexual way or anything like that. He's just been more open, less reserved. I don't think that it's because he has an attraction to me all of a sudden. I think it's because he's finally comfortable with me as a friend. And that's good because I'm comfortable with him as a friend, too. And now, I'm getting to see that maybe that's why I've been so focused on that relationship - that I was confused on why he and I weren't better friends.
But then when I thought this morning about the whole thing, I realized something really, really important. Why should I even want to be with a man who more than likely doesn't want anything to do with marriage, kids or anything like that? I think it would be a waste if he spends his whole life alone but it would be worse if I ended up with someone like that. I don't want that - and I can't see him wanting a relationship with a woman that serious. If I've known him for awhile and can't see him in a relationship, then I need not to think of him in any other way than a friend. I'm not old but I'm old enough to not want to spend my time with someone who isn't at least interested in a dating relationship. He's older than even I am so why waste his or my time? I'm seriously praying that God will help me to let go of any desire to really spend much time with this guy because I don't want to get myself in a position to have to cover hurt feelings when there was never any use to having them in the first place.
Of course, if he and I end up somehow mutually attracted then I'll have to rearrange my thinking. But right now I only want to spend my dating life with guys who have the same or similar goals in life as me. I may go through several before I find the right one, but why spend time with the wrong type of guys? I don't know if this guy is the wrong type yet, but it's starting to look like it.
So, as I get on a plane tomorrow to fly to my grandfather's funeral, I'll have plenty to think and journal about to keep my mind off the coming grief - not so much my own as my family's and helping them to cope.
Well, I've had a series of bad days but I have been ironically calm. I feel hope, strength, love, grace, mercy, faith and a little bit of resignation. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? Well, I have to give over these bad days hoping that good days will come after. And I really need lots of good days.
In fact, I'm letting go of a few things. As you all well know, I've had an issue with my personal life. I have to constantly figure out why I don't date or don't seem to be attracted to the right person. Well, I have to not worry about that. I have one goal and it's too big to add to it. That goal is to find a full-time job with benefits so I can pay down my debt - no, so I can pay OFF my debt. Though it would be nice to be with someone finally who is attracted to me and I'm attracted back, that has to not be a concern for me. If it happens, it happens. But if it doesn't, I shouldn't worry about it. God's timing is His timing; mine isn't important.
But sometimes the bad days can make you reflect upon your life in a better way - you see things you hadn't seen before. You understand things better. I feel like I understand things better today than I have in a while. For example: I have liked a particular male friend of mine for awhile. I don't really know why since I don't really know a lot about him but yet there's an attraction there - on my end, anyway. His end - well, that's a bit confusing. He has been more vocal and physical in my presence lately. I don't mean in a sexual way or anything like that. He's just been more open, less reserved. I don't think that it's because he has an attraction to me all of a sudden. I think it's because he's finally comfortable with me as a friend. And that's good because I'm comfortable with him as a friend, too. And now, I'm getting to see that maybe that's why I've been so focused on that relationship - that I was confused on why he and I weren't better friends.
But then when I thought this morning about the whole thing, I realized something really, really important. Why should I even want to be with a man who more than likely doesn't want anything to do with marriage, kids or anything like that? I think it would be a waste if he spends his whole life alone but it would be worse if I ended up with someone like that. I don't want that - and I can't see him wanting a relationship with a woman that serious. If I've known him for awhile and can't see him in a relationship, then I need not to think of him in any other way than a friend. I'm not old but I'm old enough to not want to spend my time with someone who isn't at least interested in a dating relationship. He's older than even I am so why waste his or my time? I'm seriously praying that God will help me to let go of any desire to really spend much time with this guy because I don't want to get myself in a position to have to cover hurt feelings when there was never any use to having them in the first place.
Of course, if he and I end up somehow mutually attracted then I'll have to rearrange my thinking. But right now I only want to spend my dating life with guys who have the same or similar goals in life as me. I may go through several before I find the right one, but why spend time with the wrong type of guys? I don't know if this guy is the wrong type yet, but it's starting to look like it.
So, as I get on a plane tomorrow to fly to my grandfather's funeral, I'll have plenty to think and journal about to keep my mind off the coming grief - not so much my own as my family's and helping them to cope.
5.18.2006
Post 114: Playing the waiting game...again
Sometimes, I think life is all about waiting. We wait for clients to get back with us; wait for our order to come in; wait for a phone call from a family member that we already know is going to bring bad news; wait to hear back from possible future employers; and generally wait for the good things to happen to us.
Or...could it really be that life is all about patience? Instead of thinking of it as waiting, we should be thinking of it as an exercise in patience. Well, the key word in that sentence is should. We don't really do this well, do we? I know that I sometimes don't. I'm trying my best to be patient and live while I'm waiting for the inevitable but every day it gets harder and harder. I have been changing to a point that I want to get things done as soon as I can. I've never really been that way before. I don't want to leave loose ends - in fact, I can't sleep at all if I go to bed without something done. If there is a project that isn't completed that should be, I physically can't sleep (which is frustrating because I now know that I may never tackle my life-long sleeping problems). And I haven't slept well for the past two nights. The culprit? Forgetting to pay two bills that are now late. They are paid as of today but the stress of incurring late charges on top of a looming plane ticket and 3 days of non pay at work because I don't get paid vacation time doesn't help, either. And I have to pay for my submissions to the Reader's Digest contest, which I'm fairly sure won't be money that I'll get back in any way - the only way I'd get back what I'm going to spend is if I'm in the top ten chosen. The prize money would be my refund. But I know I have to do it so I'm looking at it as an investment in my future - whatever that may turn out to be. :-)
Well, everyone here who thought they might have to build an ark if it kept raining everyday is sending all their supplies to New England - where they should have already built one! I'm kidding about this of course. No one bought supplies for an ark but just thinking about what they are going through up there is humbling. And that they are being positive and joking to boot - that says a lot about the people there. I haven't read one article that didn't have a positivity to it from the quotes that were taken from local people. They've accepted it and making the best of the situation. They are light-hearted and that's encouraging - and also uncharacteristic of most Americans nowadays.
Well, I better go to lunch. I have a new project at work that I have to do over the next two days. It's not very fun but it will help the sales reps during a very, very busy time. I think this project is solidifying the fact that I don't like to be rejected - and I don't like cold calling. It's not something I'm comfortable with but I want to do a good job because I want to help our hard working sales reps. They are all such nice people and very good at what they do. It's hard to find sales people like that anywhere anymore - let alone all in the same room. :-)
Or...could it really be that life is all about patience? Instead of thinking of it as waiting, we should be thinking of it as an exercise in patience. Well, the key word in that sentence is should. We don't really do this well, do we? I know that I sometimes don't. I'm trying my best to be patient and live while I'm waiting for the inevitable but every day it gets harder and harder. I have been changing to a point that I want to get things done as soon as I can. I've never really been that way before. I don't want to leave loose ends - in fact, I can't sleep at all if I go to bed without something done. If there is a project that isn't completed that should be, I physically can't sleep (which is frustrating because I now know that I may never tackle my life-long sleeping problems). And I haven't slept well for the past two nights. The culprit? Forgetting to pay two bills that are now late. They are paid as of today but the stress of incurring late charges on top of a looming plane ticket and 3 days of non pay at work because I don't get paid vacation time doesn't help, either. And I have to pay for my submissions to the Reader's Digest contest, which I'm fairly sure won't be money that I'll get back in any way - the only way I'd get back what I'm going to spend is if I'm in the top ten chosen. The prize money would be my refund. But I know I have to do it so I'm looking at it as an investment in my future - whatever that may turn out to be. :-)
Well, everyone here who thought they might have to build an ark if it kept raining everyday is sending all their supplies to New England - where they should have already built one! I'm kidding about this of course. No one bought supplies for an ark but just thinking about what they are going through up there is humbling. And that they are being positive and joking to boot - that says a lot about the people there. I haven't read one article that didn't have a positivity to it from the quotes that were taken from local people. They've accepted it and making the best of the situation. They are light-hearted and that's encouraging - and also uncharacteristic of most Americans nowadays.
Well, I better go to lunch. I have a new project at work that I have to do over the next two days. It's not very fun but it will help the sales reps during a very, very busy time. I think this project is solidifying the fact that I don't like to be rejected - and I don't like cold calling. It's not something I'm comfortable with but I want to do a good job because I want to help our hard working sales reps. They are all such nice people and very good at what they do. It's hard to find sales people like that anywhere anymore - let alone all in the same room. :-)
5.16.2006
Post 113: He's just not that into you...
So, I'm not sure if I need to read this book or not. I guess I just want to know why I am attracted to men who aren't available - for a plethora of reasons? I'm reading this book right now called Passion and Purity. It was given to me from a friend to read, maybe it will provide me with some insights. I think that what I'm learning so far is that women and men are much the same now than they ever were when it comes to dating: both sexes are insecure about the other.
I can definitely see this in me. I'm a girl...and traditionally girls don't ask boys out. I'm a traditional girl...I have no desire to ask a guy out; he needs to pursue me. So what do you do when a guy that you have no interest in - even if you actually try to find their good sides - pursues you? How does it build your confidence that a guy you're not interested in likes you but the guy that you have interest in - no matter how hard you try not to - doesn't? The simple fact is that this has been my life to now and it hasn't given me any confidence that, though God continually answers my prayers that I will have a family one day, I will succeed in this. Add to that the fact that guys are now shy, well, you have a conundrum for women like me. Women like all of my single women friends who are attractive, have wonderful hearts, are athletic and outdoorsy, and are so much fun to be around find themselves still single into their 30's. If we don't change who we are and what we believe in, we will stay single - because the guys that are meant for us are too shy and insecure nowadays.
But I'm also convinced that there has to be a balance somewhere. I just haven't found it yet. What I have been able to figure out is that flirting is needed - not heavy flirting or sexual flirting but somewhere in between - on both ends, especially mine. I'm really bad at this - really, really bad. In fact, a little known thing about me is that I tend to do the same thing with guys I like and guys I don't like - I avoid them like a plague or sit on the other side of the room and try not to make eye contact. I avoid guys I don't like becuase I want to be sure they know I have no interest. But I avoid guys I do like because I'm so affected by them that I can't be around them too much - I get nervous and get clutzier than usual. There are a couple of my guy friends that I could be better friends with but I'm so nervous they'll find out that I'm attracted to them that I try to not make eye contact or hang out with them too much. Plus they both have the one thing that drives me crazy - great eyes. So, instead of having a chance at dating them or just being closer to them as friends, I have more of an aquaintance with them - leaving me distant.
The other thing is that I'm a slow bloomer. Yes, I want a husband and kids sooner than later but...that's a big but...a guy holding my hand for the first time is a big deal to me. I've yet to be comfortable with any guy I'm going out with to even hold my hand - so you can guess how important him kissing me is. I'm very cautious and I know that's becuase of how things have gone with my family. Divorce is not in my future check list. So, though I might be considered a little behind in the love department, it's for a good reason and I have less and less doubt that I won't fall in love with the wrong guy - or put any pressure on the next guy that I date to be my soulmate. That's just unrealistic. It's not that I don't think it happens, it does. And though it would be great to have this happen to me - to find out that God totally saved me for my soulmate in every way (and that does include kissing, I'll admit it) - it's not something that I'm planning on.
I know I'm being really open and personal about this subject but I know that there are women and men out there like I've written about on this blog - men and women like me. I want them to know that they are not alone and that I'm still learning about this men v women v love thing. I have faith that God's plan is perfect and this stuff will happen at the right time but that doesn't mean we don't still question, pray and grow. We have to learn about ourselves and others so we know what direction God is telling us to grow. He's told me through praying about situations that I need to be a little more proactive when it comes to the opposite sex. If he doesn't know that I like him or am at least intersted in getting to know him as a friend, then how is anything going to happen? Maybe not in words, but God has revealed to me, "It's not like men can read your mind. There's a reason why I made you different. You need to communicate with each other; you're partners, not clones." So, I have to be more forward.
So...I have picked one of my guy friends to pursue a closer friendship with; not a date. A little project, if you will...just to get to know him better because from what know of him, we have some of the same issues. Maybe we could help each other. If a date happens, great. If not, that will be fine, too. I'm thinking of it as, if nothing else, I'll make a better friend and learn a bit more about the opposite sex and myself at the same time. Plus, I'm fairly sure he doesn't read my blog so he may never know that I was at once attracted to him so there won't be any weirdness between us. And that's really important to me because the previous guy friends that I ended up dating, ended up no longer friends. It was sad and hurt a lot becuase they were good friends. I just realized that I didn't have romantic feelings for them and didn't want to lead them on. So, though it was my decision to not date, it was their decision to not be friends anymore.
I think I'll need a little bit of luck for the future. Wish me luck!
I can definitely see this in me. I'm a girl...and traditionally girls don't ask boys out. I'm a traditional girl...I have no desire to ask a guy out; he needs to pursue me. So what do you do when a guy that you have no interest in - even if you actually try to find their good sides - pursues you? How does it build your confidence that a guy you're not interested in likes you but the guy that you have interest in - no matter how hard you try not to - doesn't? The simple fact is that this has been my life to now and it hasn't given me any confidence that, though God continually answers my prayers that I will have a family one day, I will succeed in this. Add to that the fact that guys are now shy, well, you have a conundrum for women like me. Women like all of my single women friends who are attractive, have wonderful hearts, are athletic and outdoorsy, and are so much fun to be around find themselves still single into their 30's. If we don't change who we are and what we believe in, we will stay single - because the guys that are meant for us are too shy and insecure nowadays.
But I'm also convinced that there has to be a balance somewhere. I just haven't found it yet. What I have been able to figure out is that flirting is needed - not heavy flirting or sexual flirting but somewhere in between - on both ends, especially mine. I'm really bad at this - really, really bad. In fact, a little known thing about me is that I tend to do the same thing with guys I like and guys I don't like - I avoid them like a plague or sit on the other side of the room and try not to make eye contact. I avoid guys I don't like becuase I want to be sure they know I have no interest. But I avoid guys I do like because I'm so affected by them that I can't be around them too much - I get nervous and get clutzier than usual. There are a couple of my guy friends that I could be better friends with but I'm so nervous they'll find out that I'm attracted to them that I try to not make eye contact or hang out with them too much. Plus they both have the one thing that drives me crazy - great eyes. So, instead of having a chance at dating them or just being closer to them as friends, I have more of an aquaintance with them - leaving me distant.
The other thing is that I'm a slow bloomer. Yes, I want a husband and kids sooner than later but...that's a big but...a guy holding my hand for the first time is a big deal to me. I've yet to be comfortable with any guy I'm going out with to even hold my hand - so you can guess how important him kissing me is. I'm very cautious and I know that's becuase of how things have gone with my family. Divorce is not in my future check list. So, though I might be considered a little behind in the love department, it's for a good reason and I have less and less doubt that I won't fall in love with the wrong guy - or put any pressure on the next guy that I date to be my soulmate. That's just unrealistic. It's not that I don't think it happens, it does. And though it would be great to have this happen to me - to find out that God totally saved me for my soulmate in every way (and that does include kissing, I'll admit it) - it's not something that I'm planning on.
I know I'm being really open and personal about this subject but I know that there are women and men out there like I've written about on this blog - men and women like me. I want them to know that they are not alone and that I'm still learning about this men v women v love thing. I have faith that God's plan is perfect and this stuff will happen at the right time but that doesn't mean we don't still question, pray and grow. We have to learn about ourselves and others so we know what direction God is telling us to grow. He's told me through praying about situations that I need to be a little more proactive when it comes to the opposite sex. If he doesn't know that I like him or am at least intersted in getting to know him as a friend, then how is anything going to happen? Maybe not in words, but God has revealed to me, "It's not like men can read your mind. There's a reason why I made you different. You need to communicate with each other; you're partners, not clones." So, I have to be more forward.
So...I have picked one of my guy friends to pursue a closer friendship with; not a date. A little project, if you will...just to get to know him better because from what know of him, we have some of the same issues. Maybe we could help each other. If a date happens, great. If not, that will be fine, too. I'm thinking of it as, if nothing else, I'll make a better friend and learn a bit more about the opposite sex and myself at the same time. Plus, I'm fairly sure he doesn't read my blog so he may never know that I was at once attracted to him so there won't be any weirdness between us. And that's really important to me because the previous guy friends that I ended up dating, ended up no longer friends. It was sad and hurt a lot becuase they were good friends. I just realized that I didn't have romantic feelings for them and didn't want to lead them on. So, though it was my decision to not date, it was their decision to not be friends anymore.
I think I'll need a little bit of luck for the future. Wish me luck!
5.15.2006
Post 112: Five stories
That's how many I'm sending in to the Reader's Digest contest. I probably won't win anything but I want to at least try. I found another contest, too, and am going to enter that. I have less than two weeks, though. The good thing is that four of my stories qualify for four of the categories. The fifth story? That's the bad thing: it isn't written yet and it isn't going to qualify for one of the story categories. It's going to qualify for the screenplay category. Since I've only written one play before and never have written a screenplay, it will be a little challenging but I know that I can do it. I just have to do it very, very soon. I have to test myself - if I'm ever going to give myself a chance at pursuing my life-long dream of being an author.
I've gotten back to some good writing habits - I even journaled during a party I was at last Saturday night. It was nice to do it and easier than I remembered. Nobody really cared that I was doing it so there weren't a lot of questions; my train of thought wasn't interrupted and that was such a good thing. And I didn't really feel like I was neglected because nobody noticed or asked about what I was doing - which is something I would've felt before now. Maybe I'm just grown up enough to be real in my endeavor; maybe I've lived enough to get started with my life, my writing life.
On a sad note, one of my grandfather's is fighting for his life right now. I may be flying to CA in the next couple days to attend his funeral. Though death never comes at a good ime, his funeral may be on the same day of a close friends wedding. I'm so excited for the wedding; but so sad that my family will be going through such a hard time right now. I feel a bit selfish at wanting him to hang on until after the wedding. Let's be realistic: I am being really selfish at wanting him to hang on until after the wedding. I just wanted to be there for my friend at a time that has been so many years in the making. It's such a brilliant day for her and I want to be there to help her celebrate. But my family comes first; even my stepfamily, which my grandfather is my stepmom's dad. Her family accepted me so easily and right away. I was the first granddaughter. I felt very loved from the beginning. Though I'm not Bettencourt blood, they've always treated me as such. I have been truly, truly grateful for their acceptance and love towards me. I want to be there for them but it's hard to not to want to be there for my friend, too. I'll just see what God's plan is; His is the only one I should be following anyway.
So this week may be an interesting one. I don't know where I'm going to be on what day. And I'm starting to think that maybe that's how we should attack our lives each morning - with a sense that we don't know what's going to happen so we should do our best and live our best each day. Who knows where we'll be tomorrow? Or who we'll meet? I might get on a plane tomorrow and meet the person who's going to be pivotal in jump starting my writing career; or I'll sit next to the man that I'm supposed to marry one day; or I'll see an old friend that I've lost touch with. So why do I stress for what's going to happen today when I have no real control over it and should just be the best person I can be? Well, no more. I'm going to start each day excited that I don't know what's going to happen. I have more confidence in myself and that I'm going to be able to say or do the right things. I won't be perfect but I'll be bolder.
I just wish it would finally stop raining here. I'm about ready to start building my own ark - and I'm not a boat person. :-)
I've gotten back to some good writing habits - I even journaled during a party I was at last Saturday night. It was nice to do it and easier than I remembered. Nobody really cared that I was doing it so there weren't a lot of questions; my train of thought wasn't interrupted and that was such a good thing. And I didn't really feel like I was neglected because nobody noticed or asked about what I was doing - which is something I would've felt before now. Maybe I'm just grown up enough to be real in my endeavor; maybe I've lived enough to get started with my life, my writing life.
On a sad note, one of my grandfather's is fighting for his life right now. I may be flying to CA in the next couple days to attend his funeral. Though death never comes at a good ime, his funeral may be on the same day of a close friends wedding. I'm so excited for the wedding; but so sad that my family will be going through such a hard time right now. I feel a bit selfish at wanting him to hang on until after the wedding. Let's be realistic: I am being really selfish at wanting him to hang on until after the wedding. I just wanted to be there for my friend at a time that has been so many years in the making. It's such a brilliant day for her and I want to be there to help her celebrate. But my family comes first; even my stepfamily, which my grandfather is my stepmom's dad. Her family accepted me so easily and right away. I was the first granddaughter. I felt very loved from the beginning. Though I'm not Bettencourt blood, they've always treated me as such. I have been truly, truly grateful for their acceptance and love towards me. I want to be there for them but it's hard to not to want to be there for my friend, too. I'll just see what God's plan is; His is the only one I should be following anyway.
So this week may be an interesting one. I don't know where I'm going to be on what day. And I'm starting to think that maybe that's how we should attack our lives each morning - with a sense that we don't know what's going to happen so we should do our best and live our best each day. Who knows where we'll be tomorrow? Or who we'll meet? I might get on a plane tomorrow and meet the person who's going to be pivotal in jump starting my writing career; or I'll sit next to the man that I'm supposed to marry one day; or I'll see an old friend that I've lost touch with. So why do I stress for what's going to happen today when I have no real control over it and should just be the best person I can be? Well, no more. I'm going to start each day excited that I don't know what's going to happen. I have more confidence in myself and that I'm going to be able to say or do the right things. I won't be perfect but I'll be bolder.
I just wish it would finally stop raining here. I'm about ready to start building my own ark - and I'm not a boat person. :-)
5.08.2006
Post 111: Blood on the Dance Floor
Well, it's my first day not working at the studio - again. Because of my extreme exhaustion, I'm so ecstatic about it. Well, as much as I can be while trying not to fall asleep at my desk. :-)
Yesterday was so exhausting! We have had shows before that weren't quite that exhausting. I don't know if it was because of the weekend or just the show itself, but I haven't been this tired in awhile. If (and that's a big if) I ever own my own school, I will have the day after a major show a holiday. It would be worth it to keep my instructors fresh, excited and relaxed. I keep thinking how they have to work today and how I so don't envy them.
So, by now you're wondering why I named this post "Blood on the Dance Floor" and I haven't said much about anything being bloody or anything. Well, that's the title of my next story. I have a great idea for a story on my experiences in the ballroom dancing world. It's not going to be a typical ballroom dancing story that you've seen in the movies lately. Ballroom dancing is really popular right now - as it should be always. I know, I know - I may be a little biased. But, seriously, what other form of dance or extra curricular activity makes you feel like you're perfect just the way you are - even if you're bad at it? Only those who focus on being perfect can find it like work. I do believe that each student should strive to be the best they can be but if you're not having fun, then it's not worth it. Even if you arent' the best dancer out there, if you're having a great time people will see that energy and life and be affected in the most positive way. The rest just kind of falls to the way side. No one really cares at that point. As an instructor, it was my job to help people feel better about themselves as they learned a new skill or hobby. But I never had to work really - the dancing does it all by itself. And if you do it to have fun or to try something new, you'll get a lot out of it. If you're too serious and it becomes work, you've done something wrong. Even if you WANT to be the best dancer on the floor and are willing to work hard to get there, you should still be having fun with it. If you aren't, then you'll never be the best or achieve your goal. It'll mean nothing if you do. It's just a check mark. But if you allow yourself to enjoy it, whether or not you reach your goal, you'll be a much happier and content person. I'm not just saying all this because I'm biased or anything like that. I'm sharing my experience and my knowledge. I've been in the ballroom business off and on for the past 12 years. I've worked for a highly reputable company and been trained by the best. Through it all, one thing has remained constant: people take ballroom dancing not to learn how to dance but to have fun and get away from the monotony of our lives nowadays. And that's what is so priceless about it. And if you choose to learn from the best, it will be a bit pricier. But what you get from it, there is no value because it's THAT valuable. It's not like a car that you buy; cars will eventually break down. Even luxury cars don't last forever. Dancing gives you piece of mind, enjoyment, a feeling of accomplishment (let's face it, as adults it's hard to learn a new skill - but ballroom dancing is an activity that ANYONE can do) and you meet wonderful people. You become part of a very large and caring family. And for those of us who sometimes can't stand our biological families, our dancing family is a much welcome respite. Plus, when you get together, you dance! How cool is that?!
Okay, so I'll get off my little soap box now. :-)
Anyway, I have this idea for a story. There are a lot of very interesting characters in the ballroom dancing world. No, not everybody is perfect (like you might think from my previous paragraph) but they all have the same goal: to teach people how to dance and enjoy thier life. So I plan on using my experience to tell you about the real ballroom world; not the competitive one or the showy one that you see on TV - because the real one, it's so much better. Yes, there will be (and is) drama in the story but I want to show people that there is more to being an instructor or owing a business than just teaching. There are few people that are truly gifted to teach people how to ballroom dance - and some of the best teachers aren't the most showy or highly competitive dancers.
I hope to do my former business justice, while entertain everyone at the same time. Here's to hoping that my colleagues will like and accept what I put forth - if it ever gets published, that is. :-)
But I promise you that there will be "blood" on the dance floor - I have to hook you somehow into the story. And what's any good fiction story without a little murder? :-)
Yesterday was so exhausting! We have had shows before that weren't quite that exhausting. I don't know if it was because of the weekend or just the show itself, but I haven't been this tired in awhile. If (and that's a big if) I ever own my own school, I will have the day after a major show a holiday. It would be worth it to keep my instructors fresh, excited and relaxed. I keep thinking how they have to work today and how I so don't envy them.
So, by now you're wondering why I named this post "Blood on the Dance Floor" and I haven't said much about anything being bloody or anything. Well, that's the title of my next story. I have a great idea for a story on my experiences in the ballroom dancing world. It's not going to be a typical ballroom dancing story that you've seen in the movies lately. Ballroom dancing is really popular right now - as it should be always. I know, I know - I may be a little biased. But, seriously, what other form of dance or extra curricular activity makes you feel like you're perfect just the way you are - even if you're bad at it? Only those who focus on being perfect can find it like work. I do believe that each student should strive to be the best they can be but if you're not having fun, then it's not worth it. Even if you arent' the best dancer out there, if you're having a great time people will see that energy and life and be affected in the most positive way. The rest just kind of falls to the way side. No one really cares at that point. As an instructor, it was my job to help people feel better about themselves as they learned a new skill or hobby. But I never had to work really - the dancing does it all by itself. And if you do it to have fun or to try something new, you'll get a lot out of it. If you're too serious and it becomes work, you've done something wrong. Even if you WANT to be the best dancer on the floor and are willing to work hard to get there, you should still be having fun with it. If you aren't, then you'll never be the best or achieve your goal. It'll mean nothing if you do. It's just a check mark. But if you allow yourself to enjoy it, whether or not you reach your goal, you'll be a much happier and content person. I'm not just saying all this because I'm biased or anything like that. I'm sharing my experience and my knowledge. I've been in the ballroom business off and on for the past 12 years. I've worked for a highly reputable company and been trained by the best. Through it all, one thing has remained constant: people take ballroom dancing not to learn how to dance but to have fun and get away from the monotony of our lives nowadays. And that's what is so priceless about it. And if you choose to learn from the best, it will be a bit pricier. But what you get from it, there is no value because it's THAT valuable. It's not like a car that you buy; cars will eventually break down. Even luxury cars don't last forever. Dancing gives you piece of mind, enjoyment, a feeling of accomplishment (let's face it, as adults it's hard to learn a new skill - but ballroom dancing is an activity that ANYONE can do) and you meet wonderful people. You become part of a very large and caring family. And for those of us who sometimes can't stand our biological families, our dancing family is a much welcome respite. Plus, when you get together, you dance! How cool is that?!
Okay, so I'll get off my little soap box now. :-)
Anyway, I have this idea for a story. There are a lot of very interesting characters in the ballroom dancing world. No, not everybody is perfect (like you might think from my previous paragraph) but they all have the same goal: to teach people how to dance and enjoy thier life. So I plan on using my experience to tell you about the real ballroom world; not the competitive one or the showy one that you see on TV - because the real one, it's so much better. Yes, there will be (and is) drama in the story but I want to show people that there is more to being an instructor or owing a business than just teaching. There are few people that are truly gifted to teach people how to ballroom dance - and some of the best teachers aren't the most showy or highly competitive dancers.
I hope to do my former business justice, while entertain everyone at the same time. Here's to hoping that my colleagues will like and accept what I put forth - if it ever gets published, that is. :-)
But I promise you that there will be "blood" on the dance floor - I have to hook you somehow into the story. And what's any good fiction story without a little murder? :-)
5.03.2006
Post 110: WOO! HOO!
WOO HOO! YIPPEE! YEE HAW!
I'm so ecstatic that I'm trying to hold back the tears and all the emotions! I was so down on myself for the story I turned in Monday; my last one. I was resolved to be okay with the criticism I knew that I was definitely going to get. It was so not my best work and
Instead, I was so uplifted by my instructor. A few tweaks (and paying attention to my tense which has always hampered me) and she wants me to send it out! Woo Hoo! How can I continue to be so down on myself when she's given me so many good things and so much encouragement? I need to stop that.
So, right now, I'm totally Queen of the World!
I need to be more confident in my gifts, skills and talents. Today, I know that I am a good writer - and that means a lot to me. :-)
I'm so ecstatic that I'm trying to hold back the tears and all the emotions! I was so down on myself for the story I turned in Monday; my last one. I was resolved to be okay with the criticism I knew that I was definitely going to get. It was so not my best work and
Instead, I was so uplifted by my instructor. A few tweaks (and paying attention to my tense which has always hampered me) and she wants me to send it out! Woo Hoo! How can I continue to be so down on myself when she's given me so many good things and so much encouragement? I need to stop that.
So, right now, I'm totally Queen of the World!
I need to be more confident in my gifts, skills and talents. Today, I know that I am a good writer - and that means a lot to me. :-)
5.02.2006
Post 109: Beauty isn't something to be grasped
This is something that I'm still learning. I'm getting closer and closer to accepting myself as is. I've always had problems with beauty. I've struggled so much with trying to "feel" and "be" beautiful that I've missed out on a lot of things - because I already am beautiful.
You can get your chest enhanced, suck fat out of your body, get a face lift or tighten your skin unnaturally through botox. It doesn't make you more beautiful. If that's all you needed to be "beautiful" then we'd all have less problems. But because we fail to fix our inner beauty, all we show is our superficial looks. I have been so wrapped up in this my whole life. Though I think it's important to take care of yourself, it's more important to make sure you care for yourself. If you like you, then all the other stuff fits into place. You will look more confident and even prettier if you like who you are.
Last night, I completed a project that it turns out is very important for me. I made a "beauty poster." On this poster, I put a cut out of a very beautiful and provocative woman and added the title, "She may be an electric beauty, but..." Then, I took words cut out of magazines and made several "I am statements" in contrast with my title. A sampling of these are: 1) I am sexy and soft like my favorite flowers, tulips; I have great skin; I don't need to creat height, I am perfect at 5'1"; I have allure and class; I have the best body of my life right now; I am loose but strong; I am an American Beauty; There's a hot chick in the mirror, look - it's me! I am going to hang it on my wall and everytime I think I'm the worst person ever, am having a bad hair day or just feel ugly, I'm going to read those words and remind myself that no matter how I look or feel that day that I'm perfect right in that moment. God wouldn't have me any other way.
I encourage you, man or woman, to do something similar if you struggle with self-esteem. It's a reminder that you are perfect the way you are. It doesn't mean that we may not have issues to work through. What it does mean is that you are important enough to be worth the work. And, let me assure you, YOU ARE! Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. They aren't your friend or anybody that you should listen to.
Today I had lunch with a new friend that was surprised at my lack of self-esteem. I told her truthfully that I see a glow in my other friends that I just don't see in myself. I'm sure there are plenty of reasons why I feel this way but there shouldn't be. I, just like them, are created perfect in the eyes of God. We are prefectly flawed - and it's those flaws that make us perfect the way we are. I'm determined to believe that one day - even if today that seems impossible.
But after our lunch, I felt better about myself and how I see others. It lightened my heart that the same beauty I see in my friends, they also see in me. And then I remembered my poster; it says so much about who I am. And, to those reading this, the statements on my poster are not just talking about physical beauty but inner beauty, as well. Outward beauty is a reflection of what we are feeling inside. And now that I'm feeling more centered (though I realize that I'm not there yet and I have a lot of work yet to do), it's showing on the outside. I can vaguely see it. I know that I still may have set backs but there is one thing that she was totally and completely right about - I have a knack for surviving and getting through things. I've learned to lean on people when I can't do it myself and to follow through with what I know I have to do.
Following through is very new to me but I'm doing it - no matter how hard it is and if I can't see where it will lead me. It's a struggle but I can now see that it is a struggle that is necessary and will have positive consequences.
So don't let anyone ever tell you that you aren't beautiful the way you are (man or woman). Because you are GORGEOUS! :-)
You can get your chest enhanced, suck fat out of your body, get a face lift or tighten your skin unnaturally through botox. It doesn't make you more beautiful. If that's all you needed to be "beautiful" then we'd all have less problems. But because we fail to fix our inner beauty, all we show is our superficial looks. I have been so wrapped up in this my whole life. Though I think it's important to take care of yourself, it's more important to make sure you care for yourself. If you like you, then all the other stuff fits into place. You will look more confident and even prettier if you like who you are.
Last night, I completed a project that it turns out is very important for me. I made a "beauty poster." On this poster, I put a cut out of a very beautiful and provocative woman and added the title, "She may be an electric beauty, but..." Then, I took words cut out of magazines and made several "I am statements" in contrast with my title. A sampling of these are: 1) I am sexy and soft like my favorite flowers, tulips; I have great skin; I don't need to creat height, I am perfect at 5'1"; I have allure and class; I have the best body of my life right now; I am loose but strong; I am an American Beauty; There's a hot chick in the mirror, look - it's me! I am going to hang it on my wall and everytime I think I'm the worst person ever, am having a bad hair day or just feel ugly, I'm going to read those words and remind myself that no matter how I look or feel that day that I'm perfect right in that moment. God wouldn't have me any other way.
I encourage you, man or woman, to do something similar if you struggle with self-esteem. It's a reminder that you are perfect the way you are. It doesn't mean that we may not have issues to work through. What it does mean is that you are important enough to be worth the work. And, let me assure you, YOU ARE! Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. They aren't your friend or anybody that you should listen to.
Today I had lunch with a new friend that was surprised at my lack of self-esteem. I told her truthfully that I see a glow in my other friends that I just don't see in myself. I'm sure there are plenty of reasons why I feel this way but there shouldn't be. I, just like them, are created perfect in the eyes of God. We are prefectly flawed - and it's those flaws that make us perfect the way we are. I'm determined to believe that one day - even if today that seems impossible.
But after our lunch, I felt better about myself and how I see others. It lightened my heart that the same beauty I see in my friends, they also see in me. And then I remembered my poster; it says so much about who I am. And, to those reading this, the statements on my poster are not just talking about physical beauty but inner beauty, as well. Outward beauty is a reflection of what we are feeling inside. And now that I'm feeling more centered (though I realize that I'm not there yet and I have a lot of work yet to do), it's showing on the outside. I can vaguely see it. I know that I still may have set backs but there is one thing that she was totally and completely right about - I have a knack for surviving and getting through things. I've learned to lean on people when I can't do it myself and to follow through with what I know I have to do.
Following through is very new to me but I'm doing it - no matter how hard it is and if I can't see where it will lead me. It's a struggle but I can now see that it is a struggle that is necessary and will have positive consequences.
So don't let anyone ever tell you that you aren't beautiful the way you are (man or woman). Because you are GORGEOUS! :-)
5.01.2006
Post 108: Jesus, take the wheel
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Today was a test. A big test. I woke up to another problem added to my life. Though I don't know if it's completely solved, it seems to have at least taken on a positive.
I so had to search and search to find my center this weekend. I even followed through on re-arranging my space to be more conducive to relaxing, meditating, studying and worshiping. I felt like I'd accomplished something. Then I started another project yesterday that is almost finished. But I awoke to having to deal with yet another problem. I felt like the rug was totally pulled out from under me yet again. Every time I make a decision and truly follow through, it's usually met by an obstacle so my small victory is very short-lived. And that's what happened again today. Luckily, a solution may have been found and it shouldn't cost me a dime - a very, very welcome observation.
I'm still searching to find my center but I'm getting closer. And with each positive step I take, I know there may be another negative one behind it; but the positives will outweigh the negatives one day. I have to have faith that it will.
And I have to keep my patience. I'm really losing it. I can't stand being unstable - and I am unstable when it comes to life. It's not that I'm mentally unstable but professionally, personally - well, unstable is the only word for it. I can't even tell a guy that I like him - instead choosing to be jealous of every woman that talks to him when I'm around. How is that stable? I don't have a career - and I'm starting to be envious of all my friends, who all have some sort of career and stability in finances. I'm really quite tired of it all. To ad insult to injury, I'm the only one in my family with a four-year degree and they all make a lot more than me - a lot more. I'm starting to feel like a complete failure; I'm trying very hard not to feel this way but it's kinda hard when you're bombarded everyday with comments from family and friends about your life. "I just can't understand why you don't have a better job. Have you looked?" YES!!!! FOR MORE THAN A YEAR! "I just don't understand why you haven't dated yet. Don't you like anybody?" YES!!!! BUT THEY DON'T RETURN IT - OR ARE TOO AFRAID TO ASK A GIRL OUT, WHAT WITH FEMINISM AND ALL. And a host of other questions follow. All to which, I have no real answer.
I guess that today's events have left me a little bitter and uncertain. I finally had felt a tinge of positiveness even with the uncertainty of jobs, finances, career, men but it all came crashing down in an instant. Am I allowed to ever follow through on anything before the next thing comes crashing down? It would seem that my answer is yes. But I have to find a way to change that - I'm growing very impatient and concerned that I might just have to go insane in order to make things better. And going insane is not something I want to happen or look forward to.
And then, in the back of my mind, I find myself remembering that even with all my present shortcomings, there is always someone worse off than me. So now I feel even worse for feeling bad because I'm pretty rich and lucky to a lot of other people in the world.
I think that part of my problem is that I desire certain things to go well in my life finally so that I can be available to help people. Right now, I'm so stressed with having to deal with myself that I have no time to help anyone else - and I desperately want to be a person that when asked at the pearly gates if I loved well, can answer confidently, "YES!!!!"
Right now, I lack loving anybody else - and that's the worst feeling to have. So...
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Today was a test. A big test. I woke up to another problem added to my life. Though I don't know if it's completely solved, it seems to have at least taken on a positive.
I so had to search and search to find my center this weekend. I even followed through on re-arranging my space to be more conducive to relaxing, meditating, studying and worshiping. I felt like I'd accomplished something. Then I started another project yesterday that is almost finished. But I awoke to having to deal with yet another problem. I felt like the rug was totally pulled out from under me yet again. Every time I make a decision and truly follow through, it's usually met by an obstacle so my small victory is very short-lived. And that's what happened again today. Luckily, a solution may have been found and it shouldn't cost me a dime - a very, very welcome observation.
I'm still searching to find my center but I'm getting closer. And with each positive step I take, I know there may be another negative one behind it; but the positives will outweigh the negatives one day. I have to have faith that it will.
And I have to keep my patience. I'm really losing it. I can't stand being unstable - and I am unstable when it comes to life. It's not that I'm mentally unstable but professionally, personally - well, unstable is the only word for it. I can't even tell a guy that I like him - instead choosing to be jealous of every woman that talks to him when I'm around. How is that stable? I don't have a career - and I'm starting to be envious of all my friends, who all have some sort of career and stability in finances. I'm really quite tired of it all. To ad insult to injury, I'm the only one in my family with a four-year degree and they all make a lot more than me - a lot more. I'm starting to feel like a complete failure; I'm trying very hard not to feel this way but it's kinda hard when you're bombarded everyday with comments from family and friends about your life. "I just can't understand why you don't have a better job. Have you looked?" YES!!!! FOR MORE THAN A YEAR! "I just don't understand why you haven't dated yet. Don't you like anybody?" YES!!!! BUT THEY DON'T RETURN IT - OR ARE TOO AFRAID TO ASK A GIRL OUT, WHAT WITH FEMINISM AND ALL. And a host of other questions follow. All to which, I have no real answer.
I guess that today's events have left me a little bitter and uncertain. I finally had felt a tinge of positiveness even with the uncertainty of jobs, finances, career, men but it all came crashing down in an instant. Am I allowed to ever follow through on anything before the next thing comes crashing down? It would seem that my answer is yes. But I have to find a way to change that - I'm growing very impatient and concerned that I might just have to go insane in order to make things better. And going insane is not something I want to happen or look forward to.
And then, in the back of my mind, I find myself remembering that even with all my present shortcomings, there is always someone worse off than me. So now I feel even worse for feeling bad because I'm pretty rich and lucky to a lot of other people in the world.
I think that part of my problem is that I desire certain things to go well in my life finally so that I can be available to help people. Right now, I'm so stressed with having to deal with myself that I have no time to help anyone else - and I desperately want to be a person that when asked at the pearly gates if I loved well, can answer confidently, "YES!!!!"
Right now, I lack loving anybody else - and that's the worst feeling to have. So...
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
4.24.2006
Post 107: New Beginnings
I have made a bold decision today: I sent an e-mail to a new friend about a situation that is on my heart. It has nothing to do with her specifically but she needed to know about it. I haven't heard back yet, and though there is a possibility that she will be surprised at my candidness, I'm not worried about her response. She knows that I find her to be a good friend of mine and don't mean any harm to her. And, in the e-mail that I responded to, she sent me this encouraging verse:
"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." Isaiah 64:4.
How true the above is. But I sometimes think that all I'm ever doing is waiting. Don't you feel that way sometimes? To truly have faith in Him and to trust Him means that I have to wait more and worry less. We all worry way too much. I'm a big worrier. I try not to be and I am learning to be better and letting go. But, let's face it: sometimes we want to worry so it makes us feel like we're doing something. And why do we feel the need to always do something? Can't we let God do the work for us? It would make our lives so much simpler if we never ever knew what the word worry meant. If that word never ever existed, I'm convinced that we'd all be much healthier and live so much better. But we feel the need to worry about everything, even the miniscule stuff. You know, I really like the saying, "Don't sweat the small stuff; and it's all small stuff." It's one of the truest statements I've ever heard. It's all small stuff.
So, while I'm waiting for God to answer me in some of the issues I'm having right now, I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff. Going back to Isaiah 64:4, God is going to act in my life. I don't know in what way or when but He will do everything to my benefit - even if it means going through this heartbrokenness, being embarrased by my feelings and "wearing my heart on my sleeve." I know that I'm growing and that I've been growing a lot in the last year. I can't handle keeping things so locked up anymore; and though it may cause me a bit of grief to let them out, it's pressure released and a more centered me.
And, boy, do I feel so much better. :-)
"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." Isaiah 64:4.
How true the above is. But I sometimes think that all I'm ever doing is waiting. Don't you feel that way sometimes? To truly have faith in Him and to trust Him means that I have to wait more and worry less. We all worry way too much. I'm a big worrier. I try not to be and I am learning to be better and letting go. But, let's face it: sometimes we want to worry so it makes us feel like we're doing something. And why do we feel the need to always do something? Can't we let God do the work for us? It would make our lives so much simpler if we never ever knew what the word worry meant. If that word never ever existed, I'm convinced that we'd all be much healthier and live so much better. But we feel the need to worry about everything, even the miniscule stuff. You know, I really like the saying, "Don't sweat the small stuff; and it's all small stuff." It's one of the truest statements I've ever heard. It's all small stuff.
So, while I'm waiting for God to answer me in some of the issues I'm having right now, I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff. Going back to Isaiah 64:4, God is going to act in my life. I don't know in what way or when but He will do everything to my benefit - even if it means going through this heartbrokenness, being embarrased by my feelings and "wearing my heart on my sleeve." I know that I'm growing and that I've been growing a lot in the last year. I can't handle keeping things so locked up anymore; and though it may cause me a bit of grief to let them out, it's pressure released and a more centered me.
And, boy, do I feel so much better. :-)
4.23.2006
Heartache reborn...but mending
I give myself enough heartache to last through seven lifetimes. I jump to conclusions and allow myself to feel like I'm the worst person in the world and that no one should ever be able to call me their friend. I don't feel I deserve them more than half the time. It gets hard and lonely and you sometimes would rather be alone - this is coming from a bonafide extravert. Or am I really an introvert who's covering as an extrovert? In either case, I don't think I'm happy sometimes unless I'm unhappy. Wow...that really may be true. Can I come to your couch, Dr. Phil? I think I need therapy.
Actually, I think we all do - need a little therapy. It isn't wrong or shameful. We live in a world that needs openness but it is nowhere to be found. Instead we're taught to keep it inside and not show it. You see, it might make us look vulnerable and we just can't have that now, can we? We'd create a ripple in the circle of life so great that it would crumble the foundation this planet is built on - or so society would tell you.
But really, that's all nonsense. What's killing us is this very idea. The more we keep things inside, the more we crack the foundation. See, when you bottle something up too long, it starts building this pressure up and...eventually...there's too much pressure and we explode as violently as the volcano that covered that ancient city of Pompeii years ago. It's destructive and violent and squeezes every ounce of life from your body, mind and soul. It's like a rat chewing through a shoestring. It has no nutritional value but it's something to chew. It won't feed him but it will give him something to do. And that's so harmful.
That's the kind of world that we live in - but we can do something about it. I can do something about it. So though I'm a bit heartbroken, and maybe from something that I shouldn't be, I can choose to move on. We all have a choice. I even had a choice tonight in where I put these thoughts. I could use a journal, start a new story or type it on my blog - which is obviously the one I felt was the best tonight. I also chose who to speak these thoughts to; I opened myself up to whomever should find my little piece of the internet. And I'm choosing how to word it so as to be real and not fake.
And I choose to get over this feeling that has been eating me for the past, well, exactly 24 hours. I'm putting it aside - I'm not hiding it. I am so very, very lucky - why? Because I have friends who know when I'm hiding and will call me out. They won't let me berate myself or think badly of myself. They remind me that I'm beautiful - and yes, I need to be reminded that I am beautiful. I have issues, man. That is one of them. Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Am I fit enough? Am I funny enough? Am I strong enough? Am I vulnerable enough? These are the issues of a 30 year old woman who has never had a boyfriend, a career that satisfies her and wonders if she's living at all; a woman who's friends know her better than she knows herself. And so, sometimes, I have to be reminded that I'm beautiful just being slightly psychotic, mostly self-conscious, petite, brunette, hazel-eyed, fun-loving and worrisome me.
Tonight, I am going to bed not changed or reborn or even knowing if I'm going to feel better or worse in the morning. No...I'm going to bed a completely messed up person who may never be perfect or understand why God created her, but she knows tomorrow is another day and God has already forgiven her for everything she's going to do wrong. She knows that His days are a new life into itself.
So, tomorrow is a new life for me. Will I be a writer? A caterer? A dancer? A sportscaster? A business owner? A wife? A mother? Really, I have no clue...until I wake up on the other side of this night. But no matter where tomorrow takes me, I have the knowledge that I'm alive. A little heartbroken...but mending.
Actually, I think we all do - need a little therapy. It isn't wrong or shameful. We live in a world that needs openness but it is nowhere to be found. Instead we're taught to keep it inside and not show it. You see, it might make us look vulnerable and we just can't have that now, can we? We'd create a ripple in the circle of life so great that it would crumble the foundation this planet is built on - or so society would tell you.
But really, that's all nonsense. What's killing us is this very idea. The more we keep things inside, the more we crack the foundation. See, when you bottle something up too long, it starts building this pressure up and...eventually...there's too much pressure and we explode as violently as the volcano that covered that ancient city of Pompeii years ago. It's destructive and violent and squeezes every ounce of life from your body, mind and soul. It's like a rat chewing through a shoestring. It has no nutritional value but it's something to chew. It won't feed him but it will give him something to do. And that's so harmful.
That's the kind of world that we live in - but we can do something about it. I can do something about it. So though I'm a bit heartbroken, and maybe from something that I shouldn't be, I can choose to move on. We all have a choice. I even had a choice tonight in where I put these thoughts. I could use a journal, start a new story or type it on my blog - which is obviously the one I felt was the best tonight. I also chose who to speak these thoughts to; I opened myself up to whomever should find my little piece of the internet. And I'm choosing how to word it so as to be real and not fake.
And I choose to get over this feeling that has been eating me for the past, well, exactly 24 hours. I'm putting it aside - I'm not hiding it. I am so very, very lucky - why? Because I have friends who know when I'm hiding and will call me out. They won't let me berate myself or think badly of myself. They remind me that I'm beautiful - and yes, I need to be reminded that I am beautiful. I have issues, man. That is one of them. Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Am I fit enough? Am I funny enough? Am I strong enough? Am I vulnerable enough? These are the issues of a 30 year old woman who has never had a boyfriend, a career that satisfies her and wonders if she's living at all; a woman who's friends know her better than she knows herself. And so, sometimes, I have to be reminded that I'm beautiful just being slightly psychotic, mostly self-conscious, petite, brunette, hazel-eyed, fun-loving and worrisome me.
Tonight, I am going to bed not changed or reborn or even knowing if I'm going to feel better or worse in the morning. No...I'm going to bed a completely messed up person who may never be perfect or understand why God created her, but she knows tomorrow is another day and God has already forgiven her for everything she's going to do wrong. She knows that His days are a new life into itself.
So, tomorrow is a new life for me. Will I be a writer? A caterer? A dancer? A sportscaster? A business owner? A wife? A mother? Really, I have no clue...until I wake up on the other side of this night. But no matter where tomorrow takes me, I have the knowledge that I'm alive. A little heartbroken...but mending.
4.18.2006
Post 105: All about sex, er...the sexes
So I have a new friend. She and I have found that we have close to the same experiences with men. In fact in the last few months we've both been propositioned by these amazingly hot guys. Okay, so on one hand it's nice to know that you're desirable to someone of the opposite sex that God has gifted with outward beauty. On the other hand, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! You don't even know me, I don't know you, where you have been or who you have been with. It's so gross to me that society thinks its okay to sleep around. Even with AIDS and all these incurable STD's, people think that a condom or birth control will save them. It won't. Trust me - I may not know from personal experience but I know lots of people that can vouch for my statement - and a lot of them are in the medical profession, too.
My friend and I, along with most or all of our other women friends, want to be desired not only for our outward beauty but mostly for our inward beauty: our strength, morals, values, heart. There's more to life than sex. And while I'll admit that I hope to have it one day with my husband (lots and lots), it's not something to take lightly. And it's not only for pleasure. It's also to create something so beautiful and amazing. God truly has given us an incredible and undeserving gift to make a life. How can you make that gift so dirty?
So, though I was flattered (sort of) to be hit on by two very hot guys (they were twins, too - you know, the dirty blonde, surfer types with the biceps and abs that go on forever - okay, I'm overheating now; oh no, and now I'm thinking of Paul Walker. Ok, I'm spiralling to the bad place - I need to finish this now), I made the right decision to walk away. I didn't let the conversation go any farther and I know I'm strong enough to look a very attractive guy straight in the eyes and say, "No" and mean it, if it comes to that. Still, it was nice to flirt and I found that I'm not so bad at it as I thought. I just have to be careful with who I'm flirting with - I don't really want to get the kind of response that puts me in this type of situation. But the view was very, very nice. :-)
To conclude, us good girls know when we've found a good guy so we're willing to wait (even into our 30's) for him. He'll be worth it because he'll be sent from God. To me, that's all that matters. It helps that he's hot, though. What! I'm being honest. What I think is hot is not what my friends think is hot so it's okay to say that. I'm not vain, just honest.
K. I better go before I get myself into anymore trouble. :-)
My friend and I, along with most or all of our other women friends, want to be desired not only for our outward beauty but mostly for our inward beauty: our strength, morals, values, heart. There's more to life than sex. And while I'll admit that I hope to have it one day with my husband (lots and lots), it's not something to take lightly. And it's not only for pleasure. It's also to create something so beautiful and amazing. God truly has given us an incredible and undeserving gift to make a life. How can you make that gift so dirty?
So, though I was flattered (sort of) to be hit on by two very hot guys (they were twins, too - you know, the dirty blonde, surfer types with the biceps and abs that go on forever - okay, I'm overheating now; oh no, and now I'm thinking of Paul Walker. Ok, I'm spiralling to the bad place - I need to finish this now), I made the right decision to walk away. I didn't let the conversation go any farther and I know I'm strong enough to look a very attractive guy straight in the eyes and say, "No" and mean it, if it comes to that. Still, it was nice to flirt and I found that I'm not so bad at it as I thought. I just have to be careful with who I'm flirting with - I don't really want to get the kind of response that puts me in this type of situation. But the view was very, very nice. :-)
To conclude, us good girls know when we've found a good guy so we're willing to wait (even into our 30's) for him. He'll be worth it because he'll be sent from God. To me, that's all that matters. It helps that he's hot, though. What! I'm being honest. What I think is hot is not what my friends think is hot so it's okay to say that. I'm not vain, just honest.
K. I better go before I get myself into anymore trouble. :-)
4.17.2006
Post 104: Still talking...
Yep, as you have guessed, I have predictably kept on keeping on...with my blog, that is. :-)
Ay yi yi! Sometimes I wonder about myself. I just can't stop talking or writing. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing but I know that it's part of who I am so I've come to accept it; and I'm sure my friends have too - the wonderful people that they are. :-)
So, I have something to say to anyone who is reading this: don't give up on your dreams!
I may be in debt and not where I want to be but I am being true to myself. I'm not quitting. I'm keeping my faith and pursuing every avenue that God has in front of me. The one that succeeds will be the one that He wants for me. I've prayed a lot about it and that's really what He is telling me. I haven't given up on my writing career; or on my love of entertaining people. I have been sidetracked, however, and I see that now. Discipline has been absent in certain areas of my life. It is discipline that I need to focus on. And that may mean making some people upset with me or will hurt their feelings. But I have to do what is best for me sometimes - and that means others may be disappointed. I have learned that I can't control people's feelings; I can only be honest with them and hope that they can see that it's the best decision.
I need to leave the studio - for good. At least, in the capacity that I have been in. I need the money but I need the time more. Monetarily, I can cut out things from my life that I don't really need. I can save money better and can focus on using it for better purposes.
There are a lot of I's in this blog; that's because I'm convinced that I haven't been pulling my own weight enough. I need to be the one to follow through; no one else can do it for me.
Another piece of advice: find time to relax; don't over work yourself!
I come from a family that over works every day of their lives. It isn't healthy and it doesn't make things any better; even if you need the money. After awhile, it drags you down and can even give you health problems. Even if you love your job, take a vacation at least one week a year - even if you don't get paid for it, like me now. Though my vacation was pretty hectic, it was a much needed break. I did refuel a bit because I was around different people for awhile. For me, it was partly the choice of place that I went on vacation that made it hectic and not as soothing as it could've been. But it was still nice and a good change in routine for me. Please, take a vacation when you know you need it; even if it's only for a weekend, it will do wonders for mind, body and soul.
I'm on a roll here so I'm going to keep going.
Advice number 3: Thank your friends for being your friends.
Seriously, sometimes we forget how important they are and don't really thank them enough. Remember, there is a reason why we have them: they're the ones that can handle us and will hang out with us when no one else wants to. So, say thank you in some way for them being your friend and accepting you for who you are - even if sometimes you annoy them, too. :-)
Advice number 4: Take chances - in every part of life!
I'm not necessarily a risk-taker but I am outgoing. And I have taken risks with my career, with moving away from my entire family and with my friends. But now, I'm taking risks to be happy. If there is something you've always wanted to do - DO IT! If there is someone who you've been crushing on: TELL THEM! I'm not telling my last crush because I don't really crush on him anymore; of course, I'm not sure I'd say no if he asked me out. But I am determined to flirt with the best of them and to go out on a limb the next time I have feelings for someone. You just never know anymore if a guy likes you back; they're so passive these days. Of course, it someone you aren't interested in asks you out, don't be afraid to say no. Sometimes being nice truly backfires. You end up hurting someone more if you go out with them when you didn't want to in the first place. They get a glimmer of hope and latch on more so when you say you really aren't interested and never really were, it hurts them more. You may not feel great about saying no in the beginning because they're "a nice guy...," but you'll feel worse if you wait to say no. And there is something to say about attraction. It may not be a physical one but if there is an attraction to someone, explore it. Looks aren't everything; but let's face it, they do help.
Okay, well, I think I'm done for now. Dr. T, signing off. :-)
Ay yi yi! Sometimes I wonder about myself. I just can't stop talking or writing. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing but I know that it's part of who I am so I've come to accept it; and I'm sure my friends have too - the wonderful people that they are. :-)
So, I have something to say to anyone who is reading this: don't give up on your dreams!
I may be in debt and not where I want to be but I am being true to myself. I'm not quitting. I'm keeping my faith and pursuing every avenue that God has in front of me. The one that succeeds will be the one that He wants for me. I've prayed a lot about it and that's really what He is telling me. I haven't given up on my writing career; or on my love of entertaining people. I have been sidetracked, however, and I see that now. Discipline has been absent in certain areas of my life. It is discipline that I need to focus on. And that may mean making some people upset with me or will hurt their feelings. But I have to do what is best for me sometimes - and that means others may be disappointed. I have learned that I can't control people's feelings; I can only be honest with them and hope that they can see that it's the best decision.
I need to leave the studio - for good. At least, in the capacity that I have been in. I need the money but I need the time more. Monetarily, I can cut out things from my life that I don't really need. I can save money better and can focus on using it for better purposes.
There are a lot of I's in this blog; that's because I'm convinced that I haven't been pulling my own weight enough. I need to be the one to follow through; no one else can do it for me.
Another piece of advice: find time to relax; don't over work yourself!
I come from a family that over works every day of their lives. It isn't healthy and it doesn't make things any better; even if you need the money. After awhile, it drags you down and can even give you health problems. Even if you love your job, take a vacation at least one week a year - even if you don't get paid for it, like me now. Though my vacation was pretty hectic, it was a much needed break. I did refuel a bit because I was around different people for awhile. For me, it was partly the choice of place that I went on vacation that made it hectic and not as soothing as it could've been. But it was still nice and a good change in routine for me. Please, take a vacation when you know you need it; even if it's only for a weekend, it will do wonders for mind, body and soul.
I'm on a roll here so I'm going to keep going.
Advice number 3: Thank your friends for being your friends.
Seriously, sometimes we forget how important they are and don't really thank them enough. Remember, there is a reason why we have them: they're the ones that can handle us and will hang out with us when no one else wants to. So, say thank you in some way for them being your friend and accepting you for who you are - even if sometimes you annoy them, too. :-)
Advice number 4: Take chances - in every part of life!
I'm not necessarily a risk-taker but I am outgoing. And I have taken risks with my career, with moving away from my entire family and with my friends. But now, I'm taking risks to be happy. If there is something you've always wanted to do - DO IT! If there is someone who you've been crushing on: TELL THEM! I'm not telling my last crush because I don't really crush on him anymore; of course, I'm not sure I'd say no if he asked me out. But I am determined to flirt with the best of them and to go out on a limb the next time I have feelings for someone. You just never know anymore if a guy likes you back; they're so passive these days. Of course, it someone you aren't interested in asks you out, don't be afraid to say no. Sometimes being nice truly backfires. You end up hurting someone more if you go out with them when you didn't want to in the first place. They get a glimmer of hope and latch on more so when you say you really aren't interested and never really were, it hurts them more. You may not feel great about saying no in the beginning because they're "a nice guy...," but you'll feel worse if you wait to say no. And there is something to say about attraction. It may not be a physical one but if there is an attraction to someone, explore it. Looks aren't everything; but let's face it, they do help.
Okay, well, I think I'm done for now. Dr. T, signing off. :-)
4.14.2006
Post 103: Bowing Out?
Last Tuesday (meaning before I went on vacation), a friend of mine announced that she had entered the blogging world. It was very ironic for me because that very day I had decided to that I should probably leave the blogging world - for good. I have used this site as a way to eek out my frustrations, make comments about issues that the people I'm around at the time don't care anything about, and just general ravings. But I do get personal sometimes on this blog and that may not always be a good thing. I am a personal person; everything I do is personal, including the stories I write. A lot of times I don't finish them because they are so personal. I have so many unfinished stories that I could probably publish an entire book just on those. But none would have an ending and that would make people upset.
However, when I get personal on my blog - it backfires. And mainly because I was the wrong person in the situation. Even if I'm clearly not in the wrong, I always blame myself anyway. There is a lot of hurt there - on both ends - but it seems to always hurt me more. That's because I always keep it locked in. I think I have forgiven and forgotten but I really never do. I leave it hidden somewhere behind something and then when I screw up again, it peeks out to remind me that I've done this before and I should be ashamed that I didn't learn from my mistakes. And then it hides again but takes the new hurt with it so the next time I mess up, it feels even worse.
My blog has given me this headache a lot. I just can't not be personal with people. I have learned not to keep things inside and to ask the hard questions now - even if I know I won't like the answers.
For the first time in my life, I have real friends. Friends that do things for me and that I love to do things for. I was reminded of this by my dad of all people. I know he felt bad that he couldn't do anything for my big birthday but his statement was so stunning and convicting: "I'm just so happy that you have such good friends that they would do something like this for you." He doesn't know them and yet he seems to know them well. I don't have a lot of things in my life that I truly desire: a full-time job that satisfies me enough to get out of bed on time every morning, my own home, a man who loves me that I love back (that isn't related to me) and my own family (3 kids but one would do just fine). But I have something that everyone needs in every day of their lives: friends. So, I sent an e-card to most of them yesterday. I was surprised at some of the responses I received. A few people responded with a return e-mail that I didn't expect at all. It was nice. It made me feel that what I did really put some sort of smile on their face - and that thought warmed me.
You know, I'm reading a very good book right now that is hard for me to put down - dang you, Nicholas Sparks (I only hope to have someone feel the same about my books, if I ever get one published). I haven't been able to sleep much because I keep thinking about the characters - and I've been late to work. Anyway, the book has a lot to do with relationships. I can see myself in the guy character (Taylor), how he responds to falling in love. I can see myself with his reactions and how he pushes away this wonderful woman and mother. I can see how it's easy to push yourself away so you don't get hurt; when, in acuality, you're trying to actually hurt yourself because you don't think you're worth it. And then there are times that I can see myself in Denise. I understand her frustrations and her desire to keep her son from being hurt by a man that may not be able to commit to them both. Though I haven't finished the book yet (I'm on chapter 23), it doesn't matter what the ending is because I've learned so much already. I do, however, want to finish it and see what happens. Mr. Sparks is truly gifted with endings. Even if it's a little sad (A Walk to Remember), you still know that it was the best way to end it and did the story and its characters justice. At any rate, I've learned a little about myself from a work of fiction.
It's funny how God works sometimes in people. In me, I get it from what I write or read on paper. It's a way He's always used to communicate with me. And the beach. Bird Rock. 17 Mile Drive. Pacific Grove. California. But this is only my favorite place He speaks to me. He speaks to me a lot; I just sometimes choose not to listen - as we all do at some point.
So, after getting personal again, I'm kinda thinking that maybe this isn't my last blog. It could be. Maybe. I guess we'll have to see how I feel tomorrow. I've become one with my surroundings in one way: Like Indiana, if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes; it'll change. When I wake up tomorrow, I may be a different person than I am right now. I'm frustrating, exciting, mysterious and fun that way. Some guy is going to have a handful one day; but it'll be worth it because, as I'm finding, I'm worth it.
However, when I get personal on my blog - it backfires. And mainly because I was the wrong person in the situation. Even if I'm clearly not in the wrong, I always blame myself anyway. There is a lot of hurt there - on both ends - but it seems to always hurt me more. That's because I always keep it locked in. I think I have forgiven and forgotten but I really never do. I leave it hidden somewhere behind something and then when I screw up again, it peeks out to remind me that I've done this before and I should be ashamed that I didn't learn from my mistakes. And then it hides again but takes the new hurt with it so the next time I mess up, it feels even worse.
My blog has given me this headache a lot. I just can't not be personal with people. I have learned not to keep things inside and to ask the hard questions now - even if I know I won't like the answers.
For the first time in my life, I have real friends. Friends that do things for me and that I love to do things for. I was reminded of this by my dad of all people. I know he felt bad that he couldn't do anything for my big birthday but his statement was so stunning and convicting: "I'm just so happy that you have such good friends that they would do something like this for you." He doesn't know them and yet he seems to know them well. I don't have a lot of things in my life that I truly desire: a full-time job that satisfies me enough to get out of bed on time every morning, my own home, a man who loves me that I love back (that isn't related to me) and my own family (3 kids but one would do just fine). But I have something that everyone needs in every day of their lives: friends. So, I sent an e-card to most of them yesterday. I was surprised at some of the responses I received. A few people responded with a return e-mail that I didn't expect at all. It was nice. It made me feel that what I did really put some sort of smile on their face - and that thought warmed me.
You know, I'm reading a very good book right now that is hard for me to put down - dang you, Nicholas Sparks (I only hope to have someone feel the same about my books, if I ever get one published). I haven't been able to sleep much because I keep thinking about the characters - and I've been late to work. Anyway, the book has a lot to do with relationships. I can see myself in the guy character (Taylor), how he responds to falling in love. I can see myself with his reactions and how he pushes away this wonderful woman and mother. I can see how it's easy to push yourself away so you don't get hurt; when, in acuality, you're trying to actually hurt yourself because you don't think you're worth it. And then there are times that I can see myself in Denise. I understand her frustrations and her desire to keep her son from being hurt by a man that may not be able to commit to them both. Though I haven't finished the book yet (I'm on chapter 23), it doesn't matter what the ending is because I've learned so much already. I do, however, want to finish it and see what happens. Mr. Sparks is truly gifted with endings. Even if it's a little sad (A Walk to Remember), you still know that it was the best way to end it and did the story and its characters justice. At any rate, I've learned a little about myself from a work of fiction.
It's funny how God works sometimes in people. In me, I get it from what I write or read on paper. It's a way He's always used to communicate with me. And the beach. Bird Rock. 17 Mile Drive. Pacific Grove. California. But this is only my favorite place He speaks to me. He speaks to me a lot; I just sometimes choose not to listen - as we all do at some point.
So, after getting personal again, I'm kinda thinking that maybe this isn't my last blog. It could be. Maybe. I guess we'll have to see how I feel tomorrow. I've become one with my surroundings in one way: Like Indiana, if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes; it'll change. When I wake up tomorrow, I may be a different person than I am right now. I'm frustrating, exciting, mysterious and fun that way. Some guy is going to have a handful one day; but it'll be worth it because, as I'm finding, I'm worth it.
4.03.2006
Post 102: Nasty, nasty storms
I guess you sometimes don't realize how bad a storm is until you drive to work the next day. I live a little outside of town and take a back route into work each morning (avoiding the main roads with high traffic). The storm itself was very quick; it was moving 60 miles an hour. But the high winds and lighting did plenty of damage even with the quickness of the storm. Once I got into town, I was amazed at what I saw down Rogers. There was this amazing yellow victorian home that I admired everymorning. It was big, too. Was - that's the problem. It's gone! A very large tree in the front yard is broken and laying into the front of the house. But that's not all. It looks as if the winds have taken apart the back of it, too. It's just a shell of itself; almost a pile of wood debri. I teared-up as I passed it. But that was just the beginning. There are several houses with trees decorating their roofs; well, what's left of their roofs and the front of their houses.
We didn't have any tornadoes; but when they said damaging winds, they weren't kidding!
I am so very happy that I'm going to CA for a week. After Friday's and yesterdays storms, I'm already ready for a break from our Spring. :-)
We didn't have any tornadoes; but when they said damaging winds, they weren't kidding!
I am so very happy that I'm going to CA for a week. After Friday's and yesterdays storms, I'm already ready for a break from our Spring. :-)
3.29.2006
Post 101: Sampson's Signing
Ok - so we finally have resolution in the coaching search. Kudos to Greenspan. He's gone out and gotten the best coach available. He didn't succumb to IU loyalist desires; instead he used his head and found a great all-around coach - who has recruiting skills, I might add.
No matter what people say about how we're "disappointed" that an IU guy isn't at the Basketball throne, I think it's a great decision. BTW, those "disappointing" viewpoints are from people who aren't looking at the bigger picture. Let's face the facts: The Bob Knight Era was over about six years before he was fired. Get with it, people. I'm talking to you IU fans who can't see past the end of your stuck up noses. This is a new time and a new era in basketball; we need someone to not only bring the prestige back to Indiana as THE place to play basketball but to also be RESPECTED as a school/community again. Sampson has the goods to do both.
Time will only tell if it happens; but I for one am an IU fan that is greatful to have an AD who looks at the whole picture and hires the right person - not the popular one. Popularity contests never work in Sports - never.
And I can't wait to see good defense again. :-) Bring it on!
No matter what people say about how we're "disappointed" that an IU guy isn't at the Basketball throne, I think it's a great decision. BTW, those "disappointing" viewpoints are from people who aren't looking at the bigger picture. Let's face the facts: The Bob Knight Era was over about six years before he was fired. Get with it, people. I'm talking to you IU fans who can't see past the end of your stuck up noses. This is a new time and a new era in basketball; we need someone to not only bring the prestige back to Indiana as THE place to play basketball but to also be RESPECTED as a school/community again. Sampson has the goods to do both.
Time will only tell if it happens; but I for one am an IU fan that is greatful to have an AD who looks at the whole picture and hires the right person - not the popular one. Popularity contests never work in Sports - never.
And I can't wait to see good defense again. :-) Bring it on!
3.28.2006
Let the IU Circus begin...
er...well, it already has. Now we're hearing that IU and Kelvin Sampson, Oklahoma's Head Coach, have nailed down a contract and are getting ready to have a press conference about it in the next day or two.
Hmmm....he would be a great candidate but with all the uncertainty surrounding the last "rumored to be in negotiations" candidates, I'm not going to take it at face value until I actually see the face of AD Greenspan announcing such on local TV. It's craziness, this search for a basketball coach! It's been like a circus in the office - and I'm sure that goes for every office in the city of Bloomington. You know that if someone isn't talking about it, they are at least thinking about it - even the ones that don't care much about sports. It really doesn't matter - if you live in this town, any news about IU basketball is destined for the daily water cooler chats, regardless of gender.
So, though I like Coach Sampson, I'm not going to take it as fact until I have some solid facts. I'll just wait on hearing from the boys in our sports department. We'll know that it's a done deal when we hear deep exhaling coming from the back of the building. :-)
Hmmm....he would be a great candidate but with all the uncertainty surrounding the last "rumored to be in negotiations" candidates, I'm not going to take it at face value until I actually see the face of AD Greenspan announcing such on local TV. It's craziness, this search for a basketball coach! It's been like a circus in the office - and I'm sure that goes for every office in the city of Bloomington. You know that if someone isn't talking about it, they are at least thinking about it - even the ones that don't care much about sports. It really doesn't matter - if you live in this town, any news about IU basketball is destined for the daily water cooler chats, regardless of gender.
So, though I like Coach Sampson, I'm not going to take it as fact until I have some solid facts. I'll just wait on hearing from the boys in our sports department. We'll know that it's a done deal when we hear deep exhaling coming from the back of the building. :-)
3.27.2006
Okay, so I'm starting to get comments...
...from my blog entries. It's kinda cool because though this is an online blog you really don't know who reads it - until, of course, someone responds.
So to the person who just responded - you may be right about Calipari but this town is nutty when it comes to basketball. Our AD, while new, has brought in the right people so far so I'm trusting he will do the same now. However, the coach that comes here needs to win over the locals. Otherwise, he'll be in for the same beating that Davis took. I'm certain that Greenspan knows this and is taking into consideration what type of person he pays for this job. The next person has to have two very important qualities, among a zillion others: 1) a charismatic personality, and 2) a knack for making everyone believe that when he's wrong, he's still right. Basically, The General re-incarnate.
Otherwise, not only will this new meat be "forced" to leave but Greenspan will be on his way out, as well, in the next two to three years. And I'm very sure that Greenspan wants nothing to do with being the object of IU loyalist's hit list. It wouldn't be pretty. In fact, it isn't something I'd wish on my worst enemy - if I had one.
So to the person who just responded - you may be right about Calipari but this town is nutty when it comes to basketball. Our AD, while new, has brought in the right people so far so I'm trusting he will do the same now. However, the coach that comes here needs to win over the locals. Otherwise, he'll be in for the same beating that Davis took. I'm certain that Greenspan knows this and is taking into consideration what type of person he pays for this job. The next person has to have two very important qualities, among a zillion others: 1) a charismatic personality, and 2) a knack for making everyone believe that when he's wrong, he's still right. Basically, The General re-incarnate.
Otherwise, not only will this new meat be "forced" to leave but Greenspan will be on his way out, as well, in the next two to three years. And I'm very sure that Greenspan wants nothing to do with being the object of IU loyalist's hit list. It wouldn't be pretty. In fact, it isn't something I'd wish on my worst enemy - if I had one.
All about B-ball
Okay, so I'm really impressed with my college alma mater's search for a new basketball coach. They really are keeping thier lips sealed and I think that is the right thing. Of course, as a journalism graduate from the school, I know that it has to be so frustrating for the sportswriters here at the H-T. I mean, of course we want to be the ones to know first - we live here and if you live here you breath, bleed and worship IU basketball.
But I'm starting to see how smart Greenspan, our AD, really is. He is not letting people here, critics or the media affect his decision. And I'm impressed by some of the names mentioned - if Calipari is really in negotiations for the IU job as rumored. He's a big name and brings a big game. IU would be lucky to have him - and Memphis will sorely miss him.
Again, everything is just rumors right now. But, boy, what a rumor. :-)
But I'm starting to see how smart Greenspan, our AD, really is. He is not letting people here, critics or the media affect his decision. And I'm impressed by some of the names mentioned - if Calipari is really in negotiations for the IU job as rumored. He's a big name and brings a big game. IU would be lucky to have him - and Memphis will sorely miss him.
Again, everything is just rumors right now. But, boy, what a rumor. :-)
3.23.2006
The Day after the Day after the Day after
Okay...so I got a little cutsy with my title but I felt like it. My last story is due this Sunday and I've been in a groove. Really, I have. It's taken awhile to get back to it since life kinda took the driver's seat for the past couple months but at least it's back - my creativity. My story, meanwhile, is changing. It's her, her fiance and the doctor. That's it. It's not a happy ending, either. I hate unhappy endings which is why I'm really trying to write one. Life isn't always happy but we do have resolutions. They may not be the resolutions we wanted but they always end up being the one that is the best for us. So, this story is that for me. I want it to end with a hard-to-swallow but realistic resolution. And I think I've just about accomplished that.
Having the creative juices flowing again is so freeing for me. I get out of myself and into someone else and it just wakes me up. It's so liberating but challenging all at the same time. Liberating that I'm creating this character but challenging because the character always ends up teaching me something that I need to see in myself and be a better person. You write and erase (or delete if you write on the computer) this fake person's characteristics so many times that they just evolve into something that you couldn't have guessed in the beginning - and then you realize that it's a metaphor for you, your life. You're being molded and changing and growing from the time you leave the womb. The character you created, even if they seem so different from you, is really a part of you. There is at least one thing in them that characterizes you. I see that and reflect upon it in each character that comes off the page I'm writing on. Sometimes I feel like God teaches me through some of the characters that I create. Of course, they are not my creation. They are what God wants me to create; He gives me the idea and I write it down. It's a pretty sneaky way to get my attention but it always does. I don't know if I'll ever be able to support myself financially through my characters/stories but I know that God will continue to teach me through them.
So here's hoping that my last story for the class gives me a clue as to what God wants me to learn next. :-)
Having the creative juices flowing again is so freeing for me. I get out of myself and into someone else and it just wakes me up. It's so liberating but challenging all at the same time. Liberating that I'm creating this character but challenging because the character always ends up teaching me something that I need to see in myself and be a better person. You write and erase (or delete if you write on the computer) this fake person's characteristics so many times that they just evolve into something that you couldn't have guessed in the beginning - and then you realize that it's a metaphor for you, your life. You're being molded and changing and growing from the time you leave the womb. The character you created, even if they seem so different from you, is really a part of you. There is at least one thing in them that characterizes you. I see that and reflect upon it in each character that comes off the page I'm writing on. Sometimes I feel like God teaches me through some of the characters that I create. Of course, they are not my creation. They are what God wants me to create; He gives me the idea and I write it down. It's a pretty sneaky way to get my attention but it always does. I don't know if I'll ever be able to support myself financially through my characters/stories but I know that God will continue to teach me through them.
So here's hoping that my last story for the class gives me a clue as to what God wants me to learn next. :-)
3.21.2006
The Day After
I have been posed the question many times today, "So do you feel different now that you're 30 years and 1 day old?" I answered that I didn't but you know what? That's a lie. I do feel different. As I look outside at the snow (yes, I did say snow; though it's supposed to be Spring I wished for snow on my birthday - it's a day late but it still works for me), I do feel different. I have a different perspective and I feel freer (if that's even a word). After my party Sunday night, I realized that I am EXTREMELY blessed. Though sometimes my personality may be a little too outgoing, I still have friends and family that not only see through that but celebrate it. That just makes me feel like I'm really an okay person; that I should be proud of who I am and not just on the outside - on the inside as well. A lot of times in the past I've felt like a fraud. I may have acted non-chalant or super positive on the outside, but on the inside I felt wretched and hated myself. Those feelings are fewer and much farther between now and I can see it finally. I feel like I am finally growing up. I'm just a slow learner. :-)
And, after my party, I see where my desires really lie. I love many, many things but there are a few that I've always wanted and it's plain to see that everyone else knows, too. It's not a secret. It really is what I love. Those three things are sports, becoming an author and entertaining people. I love Ballroom Dancing but I have come to see that if I can't work for myself, I can't do it full-time. And though I may be a good instructor, I can't go back to that life. It's all-consuming and doesn't leave much time for anything else. I need to have my friends and time for my family; and time to meet my future husband. Working every evening is not something that I want to do again. I won't go back to that life now that I've experienced what it's like to have both a social and a work life. I have great friends and have time to spend with my family now. I didn't when I worked full-time at the studio; in fact, I had very few friends and none of them were close friends. It's hard to come to that decision but it's the only decision that I can make.
It has taken so long for me to be able to let go of a lot of things - especially this. I am not leaving the studio immediately but there will come a day (sooner than later) that I will. I'm not being utilized as it was originally discussed so I'm getting burned out. Too much longer and I'll start hating it again. I don't want that to happen and I don't want to let anyone down there. They have worked very hard to get where they are and I want them to continue to get better. We have terrific instructors now and terrific students. I want to see that continue but I know I won't be able to be a part of it much longer.
Though this realization is sad and was hard to come to, it's also exciting to realize that I've finally been able to make a tough decision. If I want to have a family and to be out of debt someday, I need to have my evenings free and I need a job that is full-time with benefits. I need to have something that utilizes my abilities/talents/natural instincts and also satisfies me. So I need to get serious and figure out what that is. I've figured out what that isn't finally. But there are many paths that "could be" perfect. Now, I just have to weed the imposters out.
Here is what I really want to happen in the next few years:
One full-time job that I actually like
Out of debt (or at least almost out of debt)
A dating life (a boyfriend or husband would be great but I'd settle just to be out there dating again)
My own place - preferably buying but I'll settle for being able to rent something nice on my own without a lot of financial strain - of course, it would be better if this happened with a husband but I'm not holding my breath. And I love being so close to my parents but I need to be on my own and fully responsible.
I know that's a lot to ask but if you don't ask for it, you won't get anything. So I'm pursuing them all and fully expect for at least half of them to come true because they are really all related. See if I find a full-time job with benefits then I send more money to my debtors, which in turn gets me more financially stable so I can then pursue my own place. The dating thing, well, that's a question mark. It has nothing to do with a job or my financial position. That's something that God really has to do for me. I don't know that if I am invited to a party one day that I have to go because I will meet my future husband there. You just don't know when that is going to happen. So I'm just going to pursue my goals but enjoy myself. One day, I'll meet someone that is the right man for me and it will be the perfect time and place - and I won't know that until it's that moment.
So, yes, I do feel different and now I'm going to act like it.
And, after my party, I see where my desires really lie. I love many, many things but there are a few that I've always wanted and it's plain to see that everyone else knows, too. It's not a secret. It really is what I love. Those three things are sports, becoming an author and entertaining people. I love Ballroom Dancing but I have come to see that if I can't work for myself, I can't do it full-time. And though I may be a good instructor, I can't go back to that life. It's all-consuming and doesn't leave much time for anything else. I need to have my friends and time for my family; and time to meet my future husband. Working every evening is not something that I want to do again. I won't go back to that life now that I've experienced what it's like to have both a social and a work life. I have great friends and have time to spend with my family now. I didn't when I worked full-time at the studio; in fact, I had very few friends and none of them were close friends. It's hard to come to that decision but it's the only decision that I can make.
It has taken so long for me to be able to let go of a lot of things - especially this. I am not leaving the studio immediately but there will come a day (sooner than later) that I will. I'm not being utilized as it was originally discussed so I'm getting burned out. Too much longer and I'll start hating it again. I don't want that to happen and I don't want to let anyone down there. They have worked very hard to get where they are and I want them to continue to get better. We have terrific instructors now and terrific students. I want to see that continue but I know I won't be able to be a part of it much longer.
Though this realization is sad and was hard to come to, it's also exciting to realize that I've finally been able to make a tough decision. If I want to have a family and to be out of debt someday, I need to have my evenings free and I need a job that is full-time with benefits. I need to have something that utilizes my abilities/talents/natural instincts and also satisfies me. So I need to get serious and figure out what that is. I've figured out what that isn't finally. But there are many paths that "could be" perfect. Now, I just have to weed the imposters out.
Here is what I really want to happen in the next few years:
One full-time job that I actually like
Out of debt (or at least almost out of debt)
A dating life (a boyfriend or husband would be great but I'd settle just to be out there dating again)
My own place - preferably buying but I'll settle for being able to rent something nice on my own without a lot of financial strain - of course, it would be better if this happened with a husband but I'm not holding my breath. And I love being so close to my parents but I need to be on my own and fully responsible.
I know that's a lot to ask but if you don't ask for it, you won't get anything. So I'm pursuing them all and fully expect for at least half of them to come true because they are really all related. See if I find a full-time job with benefits then I send more money to my debtors, which in turn gets me more financially stable so I can then pursue my own place. The dating thing, well, that's a question mark. It has nothing to do with a job or my financial position. That's something that God really has to do for me. I don't know that if I am invited to a party one day that I have to go because I will meet my future husband there. You just don't know when that is going to happen. So I'm just going to pursue my goals but enjoy myself. One day, I'll meet someone that is the right man for me and it will be the perfect time and place - and I won't know that until it's that moment.
So, yes, I do feel different and now I'm going to act like it.
3.20.2006
30 years young
Today is the day! It's finally here! I'm sure y'all are very relieved. :-)
But, you know what? I find ways to make my birthday last. One of my bosses at work is taking me out to lunch tomorrow and my dad said that he didn't send me as much as he usually does because I'll be there in a few weeks so he's going to treat me then. So this year, I managed to make my birthday last to mid-April. I'm getting good at this.
Anyway, it was a wonderful weekend. I may not have my own family or even a boyfriend yet but I've been blessed with amazing friends and family. And I do have work even if it's not full-time or with benefits. I am surviving and I fully expect this to be a great year. It's not because I just turned the big 3-0 but because I refuse to allow it to be anything other. You know, God gives us a lot but we don't always notice it. There are times that He gives us a clue to what He wants for us but we have to take the steps to get it. It's not that we have to work for our blessings but we have to follow through in His plan. I plan on following through this year on everything - even if that means internet dating. It's not what I want to do but it's becoming clear that the men here are fairly stupid to not want to go out with me. I've finally realized that I am a catch. I've struggled with my attractiveness all my life. But now I'm pushing aside those ill feelings towards myself and being confident in who I am - even though there are parts of me that are still growing up. We all make mistakes and are continually growing. We have to accept that and accept ourselves. I think I'm finally ready - really ready - to accept that.
There is a perfect job and the perfect man for me out there somewhere; and though I'd love to stay here in Bloomington awhile longer, I fully realize that God's plan for me is bigger than anything I can dream up. If His will leads me away from here, I know it's all for the best.
But I'm going to take advantage of living here as long as I can. Happy Birthday to me!
But, you know what? I find ways to make my birthday last. One of my bosses at work is taking me out to lunch tomorrow and my dad said that he didn't send me as much as he usually does because I'll be there in a few weeks so he's going to treat me then. So this year, I managed to make my birthday last to mid-April. I'm getting good at this.
Anyway, it was a wonderful weekend. I may not have my own family or even a boyfriend yet but I've been blessed with amazing friends and family. And I do have work even if it's not full-time or with benefits. I am surviving and I fully expect this to be a great year. It's not because I just turned the big 3-0 but because I refuse to allow it to be anything other. You know, God gives us a lot but we don't always notice it. There are times that He gives us a clue to what He wants for us but we have to take the steps to get it. It's not that we have to work for our blessings but we have to follow through in His plan. I plan on following through this year on everything - even if that means internet dating. It's not what I want to do but it's becoming clear that the men here are fairly stupid to not want to go out with me. I've finally realized that I am a catch. I've struggled with my attractiveness all my life. But now I'm pushing aside those ill feelings towards myself and being confident in who I am - even though there are parts of me that are still growing up. We all make mistakes and are continually growing. We have to accept that and accept ourselves. I think I'm finally ready - really ready - to accept that.
There is a perfect job and the perfect man for me out there somewhere; and though I'd love to stay here in Bloomington awhile longer, I fully realize that God's plan for me is bigger than anything I can dream up. If His will leads me away from here, I know it's all for the best.
But I'm going to take advantage of living here as long as I can. Happy Birthday to me!
3.15.2006
Da Vinci Code
Okay, here are my thoughts on the Da Vinci Code book and movie.
As a Christian, I just can't support a book that is basically trying to usurp the credibility of Jesus. I realize that it may be entertaining and the author may not be meaning to do anything but create a name for himself - still, it's a little disheartening to know so many of those I know who love the Lord have not only spent money to buy and read the book but want to watch the movie. I feel comfortable in being vocal about this because most already know my opinions on this and I know won't be surprised by my comments.
I am not perfect and have my own faults; but this book has seemed to make me come alive when it comes to my faith and an apparant blasphemical book that some of my Christian bretheren find entertaining. It calls into question my own values in what books I read and what movies I see. The fact that this particular book makes my insides crawl tells me that I should seriously consider how other things of such nature have crept into my own life - and the means to get rid of them.
I have seen "Passion of the Christ" only once and for the sole reason that I cannot handle my wretchedness for God having to stoop to my level and undergo such torture - just because He loves me that much. I can't ever find a love like that in this world; no matter how hard I look for it. No man will come close to God's love for me. And I can love with abandon but not to the extent that God's love for each and everyone of us can; at our best, we still aren't close to the vastness of His love. But I can't condone a story that has Jesus as being imperfect. He was not and is not and will never be anything but part of God. That my Christian community (me included) has allowed ourselves to be deceived by such blasphemy is saddening; and again, I should really take a look at myself and what I allow as being okay whether it's for myself OR for my friends.
If you want to know just what He went through for all of us, read the book of John, chapter 19. Would you do that for someone you loved? I don't know anyone who would go to those lengths. Jesus did. And I refuse to allow anyone to see Him as anything else but perfect - especially not as he is represented in The DaVinci Code - even if it's for "entertainment" value.
As a Christian, I just can't support a book that is basically trying to usurp the credibility of Jesus. I realize that it may be entertaining and the author may not be meaning to do anything but create a name for himself - still, it's a little disheartening to know so many of those I know who love the Lord have not only spent money to buy and read the book but want to watch the movie. I feel comfortable in being vocal about this because most already know my opinions on this and I know won't be surprised by my comments.
I am not perfect and have my own faults; but this book has seemed to make me come alive when it comes to my faith and an apparant blasphemical book that some of my Christian bretheren find entertaining. It calls into question my own values in what books I read and what movies I see. The fact that this particular book makes my insides crawl tells me that I should seriously consider how other things of such nature have crept into my own life - and the means to get rid of them.
I have seen "Passion of the Christ" only once and for the sole reason that I cannot handle my wretchedness for God having to stoop to my level and undergo such torture - just because He loves me that much. I can't ever find a love like that in this world; no matter how hard I look for it. No man will come close to God's love for me. And I can love with abandon but not to the extent that God's love for each and everyone of us can; at our best, we still aren't close to the vastness of His love. But I can't condone a story that has Jesus as being imperfect. He was not and is not and will never be anything but part of God. That my Christian community (me included) has allowed ourselves to be deceived by such blasphemy is saddening; and again, I should really take a look at myself and what I allow as being okay whether it's for myself OR for my friends.
If you want to know just what He went through for all of us, read the book of John, chapter 19. Would you do that for someone you loved? I don't know anyone who would go to those lengths. Jesus did. And I refuse to allow anyone to see Him as anything else but perfect - especially not as he is represented in The DaVinci Code - even if it's for "entertainment" value.
3.13.2006
So much to do...GO HOOSIERS!
What a weekend! Have I already said that I hate thunderstorms? Yeah, I guess that's an understatement. Luckily, we were spared the really nasty stuff. It's disheartening though that so many other states were devastated. I hope that those deaths weren't because of stupidity and were because of the intensity of the storms. I see a lot of people around here driving in the worst parts of the storms, thinking that nothing will happen to them. If they did that in the other states, they'd have been sorely mistaken. I stay put or make sure I'm close to home in those storms. Even though we were spared, I'm still glad of my decision to stay put. You just never know.
But it also means that this week I'm going to be a little busier than planned. It shouldn't be too bad but with the addition that I didn't get much sleep a fw nights this week becasue the storms we had were pretty loud, I'll feel a little rushed. Tomorrow, everything is up in the air. I'm preparing for something to happen later this week or weekend and only have a couple hours to do it before I'm to be at Bible study. I don't want to miss it again but I may have to. And then my mom tells me that we're going away for the weekend so I have to be packed and ready. Plus this weekend I have to get my dress for Jennie's wedding (I still haven't gotten the swatch yet) so whereever we go has to have shopping. It's getting kinda late for me to get the swatch. I really should have had it at the latest last month but my best friend has been busy and she's not exactly the on time type so I'm not surprised. Nor am I upset - I know her and she knows me. I'll find something; though I am getting a little pressed for time.
So, here's the rundown for my week: Jen's birthday, my birthday, going out of town and finding a wedding dress. It's going to be crazy - but good crazy. At the end of it, I'll have gone through three celebrations and found my maid-of-honor dress all in one weekend. And, let's not forget that I'll have said goodbye to my 20's. Maybe, just maybe, I'll finally become a grown up. :-)
Okay...so that may never happen but here's to having a great decade anyway! :-)
Oh...and GO HOOSIERS! I'm a little miffed that so many "experts" are picking my boys to be upset in the first round. I've had it with them. Even when we're doing well, they pick against us. In 2002, none of them picked us in any game in the NCAA tournament and yet we went to the National Championship game. Had our boys not been tired under all the stress they had to suffer that year and been healthy (Coverdale played with a bum ankle; he could barely walk - and Jeffries knee wasn't great), I have no doubt that we would have kicked Maryland's booty. I have no doubt, period. They underestimated us all year. So bring it on, boys! Let's show that picking against us is only adding fuel to our fire. This Hoosier girl is behind you all the way and believes in you.
But it also means that this week I'm going to be a little busier than planned. It shouldn't be too bad but with the addition that I didn't get much sleep a fw nights this week becasue the storms we had were pretty loud, I'll feel a little rushed. Tomorrow, everything is up in the air. I'm preparing for something to happen later this week or weekend and only have a couple hours to do it before I'm to be at Bible study. I don't want to miss it again but I may have to. And then my mom tells me that we're going away for the weekend so I have to be packed and ready. Plus this weekend I have to get my dress for Jennie's wedding (I still haven't gotten the swatch yet) so whereever we go has to have shopping. It's getting kinda late for me to get the swatch. I really should have had it at the latest last month but my best friend has been busy and she's not exactly the on time type so I'm not surprised. Nor am I upset - I know her and she knows me. I'll find something; though I am getting a little pressed for time.
So, here's the rundown for my week: Jen's birthday, my birthday, going out of town and finding a wedding dress. It's going to be crazy - but good crazy. At the end of it, I'll have gone through three celebrations and found my maid-of-honor dress all in one weekend. And, let's not forget that I'll have said goodbye to my 20's. Maybe, just maybe, I'll finally become a grown up. :-)
Okay...so that may never happen but here's to having a great decade anyway! :-)
Oh...and GO HOOSIERS! I'm a little miffed that so many "experts" are picking my boys to be upset in the first round. I've had it with them. Even when we're doing well, they pick against us. In 2002, none of them picked us in any game in the NCAA tournament and yet we went to the National Championship game. Had our boys not been tired under all the stress they had to suffer that year and been healthy (Coverdale played with a bum ankle; he could barely walk - and Jeffries knee wasn't great), I have no doubt that we would have kicked Maryland's booty. I have no doubt, period. They underestimated us all year. So bring it on, boys! Let's show that picking against us is only adding fuel to our fire. This Hoosier girl is behind you all the way and believes in you.
3.06.2006
Vanity
Okay, so sometimes I feel like I'm a little too vain. But, who wants to look bad on their birthday, right?
I just sent an e-mail to the two friends that are planning my party. I made one request: that I don't look bad for my birthday or my birthday party (I don't know what day it is going to be so I covered my bases). They have said they are not going to tell me so I wanted to be sure that I'm not attending my birthday in lounge clothes or am rolling out of bed. It is my 30th birthday - a milestone - and I know there will be lots of pictures taken by my mom so I want to look good looking back on it. I'm sure there will be enough of "blackmail" pictures of me through the years at my party to more than make up for any good pictures taken. :-)
I do trust them - but we all sometimes second guess that though our friends know us, they don't know everything. There was a day a couple weeks ago that a close friend of mine was surprised at something I said I liked - a good surprise, but a surprise nonetheless. Sometimes you take for granted that the closest people to you know everything about you - but they don't. And, in extension of that, you may place that same expectation on the man that is your soulmate. That's not fair on him - or you. The man I marry is not goign to be perfect - and I need to realize that I'm not either.
I tend to forget that and hold these super high expectations on people - like they are supposed to remember everything I say and do. That's impossible - I say way too much for anyone to remember even 1/3 of what I say or do. Last night's Bravehearts study really hit home this point for me. We discussed Chapter 4 - The Queen of Hearts. Wow! We all had pretty strong observences about the chapter and ourselves personally. It was great to get everything out in the open - I really wish that more people could've been there because I think it was a really good study for the group.
So, I'm learning for the second time (the Bravehearts leadership already did the study last year) that I need to relax my expectations - they are impossible and unrealistic! And I need to trust more; my friends and family trust me even when they have the right not to.
And...I am now fully commited to NOT WORRYING about anything concerning my birthday - including how I'm going to look. But I'm not stopping my countdown....14 days. :-)
I just sent an e-mail to the two friends that are planning my party. I made one request: that I don't look bad for my birthday or my birthday party (I don't know what day it is going to be so I covered my bases). They have said they are not going to tell me so I wanted to be sure that I'm not attending my birthday in lounge clothes or am rolling out of bed. It is my 30th birthday - a milestone - and I know there will be lots of pictures taken by my mom so I want to look good looking back on it. I'm sure there will be enough of "blackmail" pictures of me through the years at my party to more than make up for any good pictures taken. :-)
I do trust them - but we all sometimes second guess that though our friends know us, they don't know everything. There was a day a couple weeks ago that a close friend of mine was surprised at something I said I liked - a good surprise, but a surprise nonetheless. Sometimes you take for granted that the closest people to you know everything about you - but they don't. And, in extension of that, you may place that same expectation on the man that is your soulmate. That's not fair on him - or you. The man I marry is not goign to be perfect - and I need to realize that I'm not either.
I tend to forget that and hold these super high expectations on people - like they are supposed to remember everything I say and do. That's impossible - I say way too much for anyone to remember even 1/3 of what I say or do. Last night's Bravehearts study really hit home this point for me. We discussed Chapter 4 - The Queen of Hearts. Wow! We all had pretty strong observences about the chapter and ourselves personally. It was great to get everything out in the open - I really wish that more people could've been there because I think it was a really good study for the group.
So, I'm learning for the second time (the Bravehearts leadership already did the study last year) that I need to relax my expectations - they are impossible and unrealistic! And I need to trust more; my friends and family trust me even when they have the right not to.
And...I am now fully commited to NOT WORRYING about anything concerning my birthday - including how I'm going to look. But I'm not stopping my countdown....14 days. :-)
3.01.2006
Having Faith
If I didn't have my faith, I don't know who I'd be or where I'd be. Faith is so important; not only Faith that God's going to do what He says He's going to do but also faith in the people around you.
But Faith gets tested, repeatedly and often. We don't like to be tested - I don't like to be tested. But when we come through a situation on the positive side, it makes it all better. This is one of those times for me. Someone very close to me is okay - they don't have the disease doctors were worried about. It's been a trying time to keep Faith and let God handle it - because it very easily could have gone the other way and that still would've been in His will. But it would've been harder to deal with. I can focus a bit more now and I feel a great deal of thankfulness that the situation turned out this way.
On another note, I exercised Faith yesterday at dinner with some friends. My birthday was brought up (and I want to be clear that it wasn't me that bought it up - see I'm being very, very good) but when I said that I wasn't to know anything including where or when it was going to be, I got weird looks. Either they already know or were really trying not to fill me in or give me hints. That is a good thing because it strengthens my Faith in my friends who are planning this. I love them both very much and am learning to let go of control over certain things - most notably my birthday celebration. I do like to control certain things in my life and this is one of them. I think I am succeeding in weakening my grip on such things. But I am still getting more and more excited so I have to keep myself calm and not talk about it so much.
I am still allowing myself to do a countdown, though...less than 20 days remain before I'm officially out of my 20's. :-) I'm told, too, that the 30's are great. Since I don't have a family or a career yet, I'm taking that to heart. All those things I desire may be waiting for me to turn 30. :-)
But Faith gets tested, repeatedly and often. We don't like to be tested - I don't like to be tested. But when we come through a situation on the positive side, it makes it all better. This is one of those times for me. Someone very close to me is okay - they don't have the disease doctors were worried about. It's been a trying time to keep Faith and let God handle it - because it very easily could have gone the other way and that still would've been in His will. But it would've been harder to deal with. I can focus a bit more now and I feel a great deal of thankfulness that the situation turned out this way.
On another note, I exercised Faith yesterday at dinner with some friends. My birthday was brought up (and I want to be clear that it wasn't me that bought it up - see I'm being very, very good) but when I said that I wasn't to know anything including where or when it was going to be, I got weird looks. Either they already know or were really trying not to fill me in or give me hints. That is a good thing because it strengthens my Faith in my friends who are planning this. I love them both very much and am learning to let go of control over certain things - most notably my birthday celebration. I do like to control certain things in my life and this is one of them. I think I am succeeding in weakening my grip on such things. But I am still getting more and more excited so I have to keep myself calm and not talk about it so much.
I am still allowing myself to do a countdown, though...less than 20 days remain before I'm officially out of my 20's. :-) I'm told, too, that the 30's are great. Since I don't have a family or a career yet, I'm taking that to heart. All those things I desire may be waiting for me to turn 30. :-)
2.28.2006
Committed
...in every way but one. I mean, it's as if I forget that there are only 24 hours in a day! What am I thinking? I work three days a week from 9 a.m.-10 p.m. at two very different jobs. The other two weekdays I work and then do two Bible studies. Essentially, I am gone from home from 8:45 a.m.-at least 10 p.m. during the week. Also, most Saturdays are spent at the studio from 11 a.m.- 4 p.m. My Sundays are now committed to be at church for most of the day.
What am I doing with my time? This is a good reason why I have no quiet time with the Lord anymore. It isn't that these things I'm committed to are so bad. They are all good things but there's too many of them. No wonder I don't have a boyfriend; I'm not around enough to know if I like someone and if they like me back. I'm just not that available. And I don't see that changing anytime soon.
Tonight will be nice. Our Bible study is getting together for dinner instead of study; which only means that it will be a little shorter. I love our Bible study and what we're studying but it's so nice to have an evening where all I have to do is eat and then go home. I have the opportunity today to be home before 9 p.m. - that's unheard of on a weeknight for me.
I'm enjoying teaching at the studio but I'm not enjoying the two different jobs. It's too difficult. But I haven't found anything full-time that will make me financially comfortable and stimulate me. I wish I knew what to do next - what to apply to, what to study, what to strive for. I'm so confused. I have no clear path but to keep doing what I'm doing. I just wish that something really good will happen (and when I say something, I'm thinking financially for the most part - new job, win the lottery, get out of debt sooner). That's a lot of stress. If I could just become a better steward of my money - which is arguably not mine - then maybe I can focus a little better.
What am I doing with my time? This is a good reason why I have no quiet time with the Lord anymore. It isn't that these things I'm committed to are so bad. They are all good things but there's too many of them. No wonder I don't have a boyfriend; I'm not around enough to know if I like someone and if they like me back. I'm just not that available. And I don't see that changing anytime soon.
Tonight will be nice. Our Bible study is getting together for dinner instead of study; which only means that it will be a little shorter. I love our Bible study and what we're studying but it's so nice to have an evening where all I have to do is eat and then go home. I have the opportunity today to be home before 9 p.m. - that's unheard of on a weeknight for me.
I'm enjoying teaching at the studio but I'm not enjoying the two different jobs. It's too difficult. But I haven't found anything full-time that will make me financially comfortable and stimulate me. I wish I knew what to do next - what to apply to, what to study, what to strive for. I'm so confused. I have no clear path but to keep doing what I'm doing. I just wish that something really good will happen (and when I say something, I'm thinking financially for the most part - new job, win the lottery, get out of debt sooner). That's a lot of stress. If I could just become a better steward of my money - which is arguably not mine - then maybe I can focus a little better.
2.20.2006
The Last Days...
...of officially being in my 20's has begun. Well, it began 337 days ago...and if you're more technical, it began 9 years and 337 days ago (I'm too tired to figure out the exact amount of days). For me, though, it officially started Saturday - which marked 30 days until my 30th birthday.
For 30 days leading up to my birthday, I am doing one thing that I want to that day - no matter how big or small it is. Saturday, I did not work (though I sort-of worked for one lesson) and spent time with friends at my house playing cards and watching movies and the Olympics. Though nobody knew it, that's how I kicked off this little adventure - with my little card party. So thanks, guys, for helping me start the celebration even though you didn't even know you did. Sunday, I went to see a movie with a friend. Today, I had fries from Arby's. I don't know what I'll do for tomorrow. I have Bible study after work so I guess I'll figure something out before then. Maybe I'll do something on my lunch hour - I'll think of something.
Today marks 28 days till I'm 30...if you're counting. :-)
For 30 days leading up to my birthday, I am doing one thing that I want to that day - no matter how big or small it is. Saturday, I did not work (though I sort-of worked for one lesson) and spent time with friends at my house playing cards and watching movies and the Olympics. Though nobody knew it, that's how I kicked off this little adventure - with my little card party. So thanks, guys, for helping me start the celebration even though you didn't even know you did. Sunday, I went to see a movie with a friend. Today, I had fries from Arby's. I don't know what I'll do for tomorrow. I have Bible study after work so I guess I'll figure something out before then. Maybe I'll do something on my lunch hour - I'll think of something.
Today marks 28 days till I'm 30...if you're counting. :-)
2.14.2006
Countdown #4
34 days and counting... :-)
I'm getting more and more excited. But I'm trying to keep it in check. I promised my friends that the only thing I would talk about concerning my birthday is to do this countdown. I left all the plans up to them. I even told them that I trusted them with everything. That's a big thing for me - not the general trusting part. It's the trusting that everyone will have fun at my birthday part. I always end up planning my own birthdays because no one else seems to want to; and that way, I do exactly what I want. But this year, I'm giving up control and "trusting" someone else to plan it for me. Two of my friends are taking on the challenge and I trust these two completely with the task. It's just getting harder and harder for me to not know what the progress is and all the details. But I also want to be surprised and want them to have confidence that I do trust them...so I'm just going to keep myself in check and resist my desire to ask them about it. I can do it but prayer would help because I am seriously getting really excited. :-)
I'm getting more and more excited. But I'm trying to keep it in check. I promised my friends that the only thing I would talk about concerning my birthday is to do this countdown. I left all the plans up to them. I even told them that I trusted them with everything. That's a big thing for me - not the general trusting part. It's the trusting that everyone will have fun at my birthday part. I always end up planning my own birthdays because no one else seems to want to; and that way, I do exactly what I want. But this year, I'm giving up control and "trusting" someone else to plan it for me. Two of my friends are taking on the challenge and I trust these two completely with the task. It's just getting harder and harder for me to not know what the progress is and all the details. But I also want to be surprised and want them to have confidence that I do trust them...so I'm just going to keep myself in check and resist my desire to ask them about it. I can do it but prayer would help because I am seriously getting really excited. :-)
I have a date...
...with the Sandman. You know how I was all complaining about not having a date for Valentine's? Well, that is so last season. I just want to sleep...sleep, sleep, sleep. I'm exhausted. My eyes feel like they are bowling balls (thank goodness for Mary Kay's Indulge Soothing Eye Mask! Otherwise, I'd look like a raccoon who met the varmit's version of Rocky).
Seriously, I'm tired!
And, of course, everyone around me is sick. I mean, sick, sick. One person I know who is highly contagious (she has three forms of illness - all at once) is still periodically getting around people and infecting them. But, thank goodness, she finally realizes that's she's ill and needs to stay in bed. She needs to get better - a lot better -before she comes back to work. Otherwise, it won't be long before she is sick again. And she needs to be well. There is so much going on right now and I know she's upset that she's missing it. Still, it's better to get really well than to repeat the process all over again.
So, I have a date with my pillow at 8 p.m. - yes, 8 p.m. I have two lessons at the studio and then I'm going straight home. I should be home no later than 8 p.m. And I'll be asleep shortly after - I'll take one Tylenol PM just to make sure I fall asleep right away and stay asleep until 7:30 a.m. Wednesday, Feb. 15. :-)
Seriously, I'm tired!
And, of course, everyone around me is sick. I mean, sick, sick. One person I know who is highly contagious (she has three forms of illness - all at once) is still periodically getting around people and infecting them. But, thank goodness, she finally realizes that's she's ill and needs to stay in bed. She needs to get better - a lot better -before she comes back to work. Otherwise, it won't be long before she is sick again. And she needs to be well. There is so much going on right now and I know she's upset that she's missing it. Still, it's better to get really well than to repeat the process all over again.
So, I have a date with my pillow at 8 p.m. - yes, 8 p.m. I have two lessons at the studio and then I'm going straight home. I should be home no later than 8 p.m. And I'll be asleep shortly after - I'll take one Tylenol PM just to make sure I fall asleep right away and stay asleep until 7:30 a.m. Wednesday, Feb. 15. :-)
2.08.2006
Just another day...
...another ordinary day. Huh? Yeah, days aren't ever ordinary for me. But today isn't super emotional or interesting either. I'll take that...when I can get it. So I like today - a lot.
I was just thinking about next Tuesday - the dreaded Valentine's Day. I had hoped that this year would find me with a date for that evening. Yeah, I have a date...with my Bible study. I just don't know anymore if I should even be looking for a special someone. I know that I brooch this subject a lot on this blog but seriously, what am I doing? I mean God hasn't so much as put someone in my life that I have even wanted to date (and vice versa). I joke a lot that certain NFL, NBA or MLB players are just "waiting for me." But I'm joking. It's a way to not make me feel so bad about myself when it comes to the opposite sex, especially in front of all my guy friends. You know, I'm not exactly unattractive. I've stuggled with my physical self my whole life, trying to be prettier and have a better body. But really, I shouldn't be trying so hard, I am attractive without all that stuff. I've finally been able to have a better view of myself. So now, I'm kind of tired of the questions I get from my family and friends on why I haven't found someone yet because to them I'm very pretty and have an attractive personality. I wish I could just tell them "Well, I know that I'm not supposed to have one so you should stop worrying about it because I have" - but every time I get to that point something happens to make me think that a guy I like likes me back. But guess what? NOTHING HAPPENS! So, I ask again, what am I doing?
As of today, my focus has to be a career - no matter where that takes me (a new job, a new city or a new country). Because I do really want to have kids. I'd prefer to have a family unit (mother, father, 2.75 kids) but that may not be for me. So, I need to put myself in a financial place so that I can adopt.
You know, I have more than one guy friend that is older than me and they are all single. And though it seems that they are very content in their single life - I just couldn't be if I were their age. I want to have a family and a house. I think sometimes it's easier for guys to stay single longer; they get to be on their own without any woman "nagging" them. But marraige isn't all about "nagging" (btw, this is something that another friend of mine believes about marraige and he's older, too). Don't you guys think that your marraige counterparts can't stand your little "flaws" either? It's a relationship that has to be worked on continually; it's not just us, you know. It takes two to have a relationship; and when you find someone who you can't live without even if there are some things that irk you, then that's the person God has for you (especially if they feel the same way about you).
But guys like to "sow their oats." Even Christian guys do this - but in other ways. Are you about done yet? Because us aging, attractive Christian women have about had it. I know that I speak for most of my single women friends and others that I've never even met. We don't sleep around, we cook, we clean, we're intelligent, we like to be active and we are fun to be around. But apparently, if we're not a natural blonde with a big chest - well, that doesn't work for you. I don't mean to be judgemental about this but that's what I see. Unless we have "hot" bodies, even our Christian bretheren don't give us the time of day. So, on behalf of my many single girlfriends, wake up and get real, guys! You're missing out on a good thing - probably the best thing to ever happen to you.
Okay, I'm off my soap box....for now. Yeah, like the above is going to get me a date. It'll probably push guys away...but at least it's honest. And maybe it'll help some guy get off his butt and ask a girl out - and that girl may happen to be one of my friends so all the words written in this entry were worth it (even if it's not happening to me).
I was just thinking about next Tuesday - the dreaded Valentine's Day. I had hoped that this year would find me with a date for that evening. Yeah, I have a date...with my Bible study. I just don't know anymore if I should even be looking for a special someone. I know that I brooch this subject a lot on this blog but seriously, what am I doing? I mean God hasn't so much as put someone in my life that I have even wanted to date (and vice versa). I joke a lot that certain NFL, NBA or MLB players are just "waiting for me." But I'm joking. It's a way to not make me feel so bad about myself when it comes to the opposite sex, especially in front of all my guy friends. You know, I'm not exactly unattractive. I've stuggled with my physical self my whole life, trying to be prettier and have a better body. But really, I shouldn't be trying so hard, I am attractive without all that stuff. I've finally been able to have a better view of myself. So now, I'm kind of tired of the questions I get from my family and friends on why I haven't found someone yet because to them I'm very pretty and have an attractive personality. I wish I could just tell them "Well, I know that I'm not supposed to have one so you should stop worrying about it because I have" - but every time I get to that point something happens to make me think that a guy I like likes me back. But guess what? NOTHING HAPPENS! So, I ask again, what am I doing?
As of today, my focus has to be a career - no matter where that takes me (a new job, a new city or a new country). Because I do really want to have kids. I'd prefer to have a family unit (mother, father, 2.75 kids) but that may not be for me. So, I need to put myself in a financial place so that I can adopt.
You know, I have more than one guy friend that is older than me and they are all single. And though it seems that they are very content in their single life - I just couldn't be if I were their age. I want to have a family and a house. I think sometimes it's easier for guys to stay single longer; they get to be on their own without any woman "nagging" them. But marraige isn't all about "nagging" (btw, this is something that another friend of mine believes about marraige and he's older, too). Don't you guys think that your marraige counterparts can't stand your little "flaws" either? It's a relationship that has to be worked on continually; it's not just us, you know. It takes two to have a relationship; and when you find someone who you can't live without even if there are some things that irk you, then that's the person God has for you (especially if they feel the same way about you).
But guys like to "sow their oats." Even Christian guys do this - but in other ways. Are you about done yet? Because us aging, attractive Christian women have about had it. I know that I speak for most of my single women friends and others that I've never even met. We don't sleep around, we cook, we clean, we're intelligent, we like to be active and we are fun to be around. But apparently, if we're not a natural blonde with a big chest - well, that doesn't work for you. I don't mean to be judgemental about this but that's what I see. Unless we have "hot" bodies, even our Christian bretheren don't give us the time of day. So, on behalf of my many single girlfriends, wake up and get real, guys! You're missing out on a good thing - probably the best thing to ever happen to you.
Okay, I'm off my soap box....for now. Yeah, like the above is going to get me a date. It'll probably push guys away...but at least it's honest. And maybe it'll help some guy get off his butt and ask a girl out - and that girl may happen to be one of my friends so all the words written in this entry were worth it (even if it's not happening to me).
2.07.2006
Rollercoaster, baby!
That is what my life is...a non-stop rollercoaster. One day it's the fastest in the world; the next day it's the scariest with mind-blowing drops; and then the day after that it can be more of a kiddie ride. Seriously, it's no wonder I was exhausted yesterday. I slept for 16 hours. I had trouble focusing my eyes and not getting dizzy. I didn't have a cough, sneezed, or had any sort of temperature. I just couldn't clear my head. Today, I feel like a whole new person! I guess that I just needed to rest. And rest I did...16 hours!
I found out some good news personally and from a friend. The personal one I'll keep to myself for now but it's helped my demeanor today. But a good friend of mine from CA is having her second child this year! I'm so excited for her. It's another little girl (she has a little girl already named Lucy). If it works out, I may get to see her and my other friend and her son for lunch while I'm in CA in April. It'll be so great to see them with their families in person! I haven't gotten to see their babies yet so I really want it to work out that I can see them - even though my time is short there.
This friend of mine is also on the "Move Tiffany back to CA" bandwagon; actually, I think she's more like the Ringleader. She's always wanted me to be back. I just have never wanted to move back - but since there are so many things NOT happening here I'm open to the fact that I could be moving again. But I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT move back to Los Banos or Fresno. No offense to my family and friends there, but I don't want to live in those cities again. It's great to visit but not to live for me. If I move back, it's to somewhere that is either closer to the mountains or the beach. However, I'm not really a CA girl anymore; yes, I miss the beach but the fast, workaholic lifestyle - definitely not. So, we'll just see what God has in store for me. I'm just ready to keep my options open. And I'd really like to meet somewhere back here and get married back here. But I know I'll be happier with God's plan for me...so I'm willing to wait.
Plus, I can't move soon - Alisa and Jen are planning my 30th birthday! I can't miss that! I have a lot of friends that will be there to celebrate with me - who care about me as a person and accept me though I'm sometimes messy. I really appreciate them and that God has allowed me to be part of their lives - even though I only see some of them sporadically. So though the party is in my honor - I'll feel honored and humbled that they showed to support me.
I found out some good news personally and from a friend. The personal one I'll keep to myself for now but it's helped my demeanor today. But a good friend of mine from CA is having her second child this year! I'm so excited for her. It's another little girl (she has a little girl already named Lucy). If it works out, I may get to see her and my other friend and her son for lunch while I'm in CA in April. It'll be so great to see them with their families in person! I haven't gotten to see their babies yet so I really want it to work out that I can see them - even though my time is short there.
This friend of mine is also on the "Move Tiffany back to CA" bandwagon; actually, I think she's more like the Ringleader. She's always wanted me to be back. I just have never wanted to move back - but since there are so many things NOT happening here I'm open to the fact that I could be moving again. But I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT move back to Los Banos or Fresno. No offense to my family and friends there, but I don't want to live in those cities again. It's great to visit but not to live for me. If I move back, it's to somewhere that is either closer to the mountains or the beach. However, I'm not really a CA girl anymore; yes, I miss the beach but the fast, workaholic lifestyle - definitely not. So, we'll just see what God has in store for me. I'm just ready to keep my options open. And I'd really like to meet somewhere back here and get married back here. But I know I'll be happier with God's plan for me...so I'm willing to wait.
Plus, I can't move soon - Alisa and Jen are planning my 30th birthday! I can't miss that! I have a lot of friends that will be there to celebrate with me - who care about me as a person and accept me though I'm sometimes messy. I really appreciate them and that God has allowed me to be part of their lives - even though I only see some of them sporadically. So though the party is in my honor - I'll feel honored and humbled that they showed to support me.
2.03.2006
Why am I so stupid?
Seriously, why am I so stupid? I'm not talking about in the intelligence way - although you could argue that it could have a little to do with it. I just opened up about something today to a few friends. I admitted that I like this other person. I don't even know why I'm attracted to him because he doesn't really know that I exist - in that way. I have to be cryptic here because, though I don't think he'll ever read this blog, I can't let him know. I'll feel stupid and like a fool. But I have to admit that I want to get to know him better. I'm curious about him past what everyone sees on the outside but I'm never ever around him. Maybe once every couple months. Really, I think that the attraction is partly physical but mostly, it's curiosity. Curiosity killed the cat - so why can't I let it go? We're probably not compatible in a romantic way but that still doesn't make me want to not want to get to know him.
Because I'm stupid. I always start to like guys that don't have a clue that I exist. Why can't I be attracted to someone that is attracted to me back? It's not supposed to be this hard. If you like someone and they like you back, it should be easy. But that never happens to me. In fact, it's always been really bad timing - that's why I've never had a boyfriend. It always ends up that one of us is moving on so only then does one of us open up - just before leaving - and admit that at one time we had the hots for each other. On one hand, it's good because it's obvious that the other person wasn't the one the God wants us to spend eternity with. On the other hand, I've never had any experience with relationships so as I get older I'm less and less confident in saying yes to someone I like. I feel like I'm a total baby when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. I'm pretty good at hanging out with guys due to the fact that I LOVE most sports. But that sometimes gets in the way of dating. I'm thought of as a "buddy" or a "safe" girl - like I don't expect to be treated like a lady. Can't I be both? Can't I be treated like a lady and a friend? Apparently, guys don't think so.
It gets frustrating. I don't want to give up my love of sports and I can't give up my girly side. I'm at a loss at what to do. If guys can't accept me as either, both and/or - then am I ever going to be excepted as dating "material?" Will I ever be a girlfriend or, more importantly, a wife? Or am I destined to be alone because the opposite sex can't open their eyes and see what an amazing gift I can be for any man: a female who would actually love to go to sporting events with them, would make awesome food for "our" many sports-related parties, and am a fun personality to boot?
You men - you're really the stupid ones sometimes. And that's the cold, hard truth. Even if this person is attracted to me - just bear with my fantasy for a moment - he hasn't done anything about it. I was told that maybe he was hurt before and it's really hard for him to open up. Well, it's been years since we've known each other and if it's taken him this long, then he's not very bright and is letting a good thing slip away. Which makes me not want to like him but right now I don't have a choice in the matter; it would be easier if I could just turn off this curiosity but, apparently, I broke the nob. At least, not until the next poor man comes along that attracts me to him though he's actually wearing repellent. :-)
Because I'm stupid. I always start to like guys that don't have a clue that I exist. Why can't I be attracted to someone that is attracted to me back? It's not supposed to be this hard. If you like someone and they like you back, it should be easy. But that never happens to me. In fact, it's always been really bad timing - that's why I've never had a boyfriend. It always ends up that one of us is moving on so only then does one of us open up - just before leaving - and admit that at one time we had the hots for each other. On one hand, it's good because it's obvious that the other person wasn't the one the God wants us to spend eternity with. On the other hand, I've never had any experience with relationships so as I get older I'm less and less confident in saying yes to someone I like. I feel like I'm a total baby when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. I'm pretty good at hanging out with guys due to the fact that I LOVE most sports. But that sometimes gets in the way of dating. I'm thought of as a "buddy" or a "safe" girl - like I don't expect to be treated like a lady. Can't I be both? Can't I be treated like a lady and a friend? Apparently, guys don't think so.
It gets frustrating. I don't want to give up my love of sports and I can't give up my girly side. I'm at a loss at what to do. If guys can't accept me as either, both and/or - then am I ever going to be excepted as dating "material?" Will I ever be a girlfriend or, more importantly, a wife? Or am I destined to be alone because the opposite sex can't open their eyes and see what an amazing gift I can be for any man: a female who would actually love to go to sporting events with them, would make awesome food for "our" many sports-related parties, and am a fun personality to boot?
You men - you're really the stupid ones sometimes. And that's the cold, hard truth. Even if this person is attracted to me - just bear with my fantasy for a moment - he hasn't done anything about it. I was told that maybe he was hurt before and it's really hard for him to open up. Well, it's been years since we've known each other and if it's taken him this long, then he's not very bright and is letting a good thing slip away. Which makes me not want to like him but right now I don't have a choice in the matter; it would be easier if I could just turn off this curiosity but, apparently, I broke the nob. At least, not until the next poor man comes along that attracts me to him though he's actually wearing repellent. :-)
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