Post 109: Beauty isn't something to be grasped

This is something that I'm still learning. I'm getting closer and closer to accepting myself as is. I've always had problems with beauty. I've struggled so much with trying to "feel" and "be" beautiful that I've missed out on a lot of things - because I already am beautiful.

You can get your chest enhanced, suck fat out of your body, get a face lift or tighten your skin unnaturally through botox. It doesn't make you more beautiful. If that's all you needed to be "beautiful" then we'd all have less problems. But because we fail to fix our inner beauty, all we show is our superficial looks. I have been so wrapped up in this my whole life. Though I think it's important to take care of yourself, it's more important to make sure you care for yourself. If you like you, then all the other stuff fits into place. You will look more confident and even prettier if you like who you are.

Last night, I completed a project that it turns out is very important for me. I made a "beauty poster." On this poster, I put a cut out of a very beautiful and provocative woman and added the title, "She may be an electric beauty, but..." Then, I took words cut out of magazines and made several "I am statements" in contrast with my title. A sampling of these are: 1) I am sexy and soft like my favorite flowers, tulips; I have great skin; I don't need to creat height, I am perfect at 5'1"; I have allure and class; I have the best body of my life right now; I am loose but strong; I am an American Beauty; There's a hot chick in the mirror, look - it's me! I am going to hang it on my wall and everytime I think I'm the worst person ever, am having a bad hair day or just feel ugly, I'm going to read those words and remind myself that no matter how I look or feel that day that I'm perfect right in that moment. God wouldn't have me any other way.

I encourage you, man or woman, to do something similar if you struggle with self-esteem. It's a reminder that you are perfect the way you are. It doesn't mean that we may not have issues to work through. What it does mean is that you are important enough to be worth the work. And, let me assure you, YOU ARE! Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. They aren't your friend or anybody that you should listen to.

Today I had lunch with a new friend that was surprised at my lack of self-esteem. I told her truthfully that I see a glow in my other friends that I just don't see in myself. I'm sure there are plenty of reasons why I feel this way but there shouldn't be. I, just like them, are created perfect in the eyes of God. We are prefectly flawed - and it's those flaws that make us perfect the way we are. I'm determined to believe that one day - even if today that seems impossible.

But after our lunch, I felt better about myself and how I see others. It lightened my heart that the same beauty I see in my friends, they also see in me. And then I remembered my poster; it says so much about who I am. And, to those reading this, the statements on my poster are not just talking about physical beauty but inner beauty, as well. Outward beauty is a reflection of what we are feeling inside. And now that I'm feeling more centered (though I realize that I'm not there yet and I have a lot of work yet to do), it's showing on the outside. I can vaguely see it. I know that I still may have set backs but there is one thing that she was totally and completely right about - I have a knack for surviving and getting through things. I've learned to lean on people when I can't do it myself and to follow through with what I know I have to do.

Following through is very new to me but I'm doing it - no matter how hard it is and if I can't see where it will lead me. It's a struggle but I can now see that it is a struggle that is necessary and will have positive consequences.

So don't let anyone ever tell you that you aren't beautiful the way you are (man or woman). Because you are GORGEOUS! :-)

Post 108: Jesus, take the wheel

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel

Today was a test. A big test. I woke up to another problem added to my life. Though I don't know if it's completely solved, it seems to have at least taken on a positive.

I so had to search and search to find my center this weekend. I even followed through on re-arranging my space to be more conducive to relaxing, meditating, studying and worshiping. I felt like I'd accomplished something. Then I started another project yesterday that is almost finished. But I awoke to having to deal with yet another problem. I felt like the rug was totally pulled out from under me yet again. Every time I make a decision and truly follow through, it's usually met by an obstacle so my small victory is very short-lived. And that's what happened again today. Luckily, a solution may have been found and it shouldn't cost me a dime - a very, very welcome observation.

I'm still searching to find my center but I'm getting closer. And with each positive step I take, I know there may be another negative one behind it; but the positives will outweigh the negatives one day. I have to have faith that it will.

And I have to keep my patience. I'm really losing it. I can't stand being unstable - and I am unstable when it comes to life. It's not that I'm mentally unstable but professionally, personally - well, unstable is the only word for it. I can't even tell a guy that I like him - instead choosing to be jealous of every woman that talks to him when I'm around. How is that stable? I don't have a career - and I'm starting to be envious of all my friends, who all have some sort of career and stability in finances. I'm really quite tired of it all. To ad insult to injury, I'm the only one in my family with a four-year degree and they all make a lot more than me - a lot more. I'm starting to feel like a complete failure; I'm trying very hard not to feel this way but it's kinda hard when you're bombarded everyday with comments from family and friends about your life. "I just can't understand why you don't have a better job. Have you looked?" YES!!!! FOR MORE THAN A YEAR! "I just don't understand why you haven't dated yet. Don't you like anybody?" YES!!!! BUT THEY DON'T RETURN IT - OR ARE TOO AFRAID TO ASK A GIRL OUT, WHAT WITH FEMINISM AND ALL. And a host of other questions follow. All to which, I have no real answer.

I guess that today's events have left me a little bitter and uncertain. I finally had felt a tinge of positiveness even with the uncertainty of jobs, finances, career, men but it all came crashing down in an instant. Am I allowed to ever follow through on anything before the next thing comes crashing down? It would seem that my answer is yes. But I have to find a way to change that - I'm growing very impatient and concerned that I might just have to go insane in order to make things better. And going insane is not something I want to happen or look forward to.

And then, in the back of my mind, I find myself remembering that even with all my present shortcomings, there is always someone worse off than me. So now I feel even worse for feeling bad because I'm pretty rich and lucky to a lot of other people in the world.

I think that part of my problem is that I desire certain things to go well in my life finally so that I can be available to help people. Right now, I'm so stressed with having to deal with myself that I have no time to help anyone else - and I desperately want to be a person that when asked at the pearly gates if I loved well, can answer confidently, "YES!!!!"

Right now, I lack loving anybody else - and that's the worst feeling to have. So...

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel

Post 107: New Beginnings

I have made a bold decision today: I sent an e-mail to a new friend about a situation that is on my heart. It has nothing to do with her specifically but she needed to know about it. I haven't heard back yet, and though there is a possibility that she will be surprised at my candidness, I'm not worried about her response. She knows that I find her to be a good friend of mine and don't mean any harm to her. And, in the e-mail that I responded to, she sent me this encouraging verse:

"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." Isaiah 64:4.

How true the above is. But I sometimes think that all I'm ever doing is waiting. Don't you feel that way sometimes? To truly have faith in Him and to trust Him means that I have to wait more and worry less. We all worry way too much. I'm a big worrier. I try not to be and I am learning to be better and letting go. But, let's face it: sometimes we want to worry so it makes us feel like we're doing something. And why do we feel the need to always do something? Can't we let God do the work for us? It would make our lives so much simpler if we never ever knew what the word worry meant. If that word never ever existed, I'm convinced that we'd all be much healthier and live so much better. But we feel the need to worry about everything, even the miniscule stuff. You know, I really like the saying, "Don't sweat the small stuff; and it's all small stuff." It's one of the truest statements I've ever heard. It's all small stuff.

So, while I'm waiting for God to answer me in some of the issues I'm having right now, I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff. Going back to Isaiah 64:4, God is going to act in my life. I don't know in what way or when but He will do everything to my benefit - even if it means going through this heartbrokenness, being embarrased by my feelings and "wearing my heart on my sleeve." I know that I'm growing and that I've been growing a lot in the last year. I can't handle keeping things so locked up anymore; and though it may cause me a bit of grief to let them out, it's pressure released and a more centered me.

And, boy, do I feel so much better. :-)

Heartache reborn...but mending

I give myself enough heartache to last through seven lifetimes. I jump to conclusions and allow myself to feel like I'm the worst person in the world and that no one should ever be able to call me their friend. I don't feel I deserve them more than half the time. It gets hard and lonely and you sometimes would rather be alone - this is coming from a bonafide extravert. Or am I really an introvert who's covering as an extrovert? In either case, I don't think I'm happy sometimes unless I'm unhappy. Wow...that really may be true. Can I come to your couch, Dr. Phil? I think I need therapy.

Actually, I think we all do - need a little therapy. It isn't wrong or shameful. We live in a world that needs openness but it is nowhere to be found. Instead we're taught to keep it inside and not show it. You see, it might make us look vulnerable and we just can't have that now, can we? We'd create a ripple in the circle of life so great that it would crumble the foundation this planet is built on - or so society would tell you.

But really, that's all nonsense. What's killing us is this very idea. The more we keep things inside, the more we crack the foundation. See, when you bottle something up too long, it starts building this pressure up and...eventually...there's too much pressure and we explode as violently as the volcano that covered that ancient city of Pompeii years ago. It's destructive and violent and squeezes every ounce of life from your body, mind and soul. It's like a rat chewing through a shoestring. It has no nutritional value but it's something to chew. It won't feed him but it will give him something to do. And that's so harmful.

That's the kind of world that we live in - but we can do something about it. I can do something about it. So though I'm a bit heartbroken, and maybe from something that I shouldn't be, I can choose to move on. We all have a choice. I even had a choice tonight in where I put these thoughts. I could use a journal, start a new story or type it on my blog - which is obviously the one I felt was the best tonight. I also chose who to speak these thoughts to; I opened myself up to whomever should find my little piece of the internet. And I'm choosing how to word it so as to be real and not fake.

And I choose to get over this feeling that has been eating me for the past, well, exactly 24 hours. I'm putting it aside - I'm not hiding it. I am so very, very lucky - why? Because I have friends who know when I'm hiding and will call me out. They won't let me berate myself or think badly of myself. They remind me that I'm beautiful - and yes, I need to be reminded that I am beautiful. I have issues, man. That is one of them. Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Am I fit enough? Am I funny enough? Am I strong enough? Am I vulnerable enough? These are the issues of a 30 year old woman who has never had a boyfriend, a career that satisfies her and wonders if she's living at all; a woman who's friends know her better than she knows herself. And so, sometimes, I have to be reminded that I'm beautiful just being slightly psychotic, mostly self-conscious, petite, brunette, hazel-eyed, fun-loving and worrisome me.

Tonight, I am going to bed not changed or reborn or even knowing if I'm going to feel better or worse in the morning. No...I'm going to bed a completely messed up person who may never be perfect or understand why God created her, but she knows tomorrow is another day and God has already forgiven her for everything she's going to do wrong. She knows that His days are a new life into itself.

So, tomorrow is a new life for me. Will I be a writer? A caterer? A dancer? A sportscaster? A business owner? A wife? A mother? Really, I have no clue...until I wake up on the other side of this night. But no matter where tomorrow takes me, I have the knowledge that I'm alive. A little heartbroken...but mending.

Post 105: All about sex, er...the sexes

So I have a new friend. She and I have found that we have close to the same experiences with men. In fact in the last few months we've both been propositioned by these amazingly hot guys. Okay, so on one hand it's nice to know that you're desirable to someone of the opposite sex that God has gifted with outward beauty. On the other hand, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! You don't even know me, I don't know you, where you have been or who you have been with. It's so gross to me that society thinks its okay to sleep around. Even with AIDS and all these incurable STD's, people think that a condom or birth control will save them. It won't. Trust me - I may not know from personal experience but I know lots of people that can vouch for my statement - and a lot of them are in the medical profession, too.

My friend and I, along with most or all of our other women friends, want to be desired not only for our outward beauty but mostly for our inward beauty: our strength, morals, values, heart. There's more to life than sex. And while I'll admit that I hope to have it one day with my husband (lots and lots), it's not something to take lightly. And it's not only for pleasure. It's also to create something so beautiful and amazing. God truly has given us an incredible and undeserving gift to make a life. How can you make that gift so dirty?

So, though I was flattered (sort of) to be hit on by two very hot guys (they were twins, too - you know, the dirty blonde, surfer types with the biceps and abs that go on forever - okay, I'm overheating now; oh no, and now I'm thinking of Paul Walker. Ok, I'm spiralling to the bad place - I need to finish this now), I made the right decision to walk away. I didn't let the conversation go any farther and I know I'm strong enough to look a very attractive guy straight in the eyes and say, "No" and mean it, if it comes to that. Still, it was nice to flirt and I found that I'm not so bad at it as I thought. I just have to be careful with who I'm flirting with - I don't really want to get the kind of response that puts me in this type of situation. But the view was very, very nice. :-)

To conclude, us good girls know when we've found a good guy so we're willing to wait (even into our 30's) for him. He'll be worth it because he'll be sent from God. To me, that's all that matters. It helps that he's hot, though. What! I'm being honest. What I think is hot is not what my friends think is hot so it's okay to say that. I'm not vain, just honest.

K. I better go before I get myself into anymore trouble. :-)

Post 104: Still talking...

Yep, as you have guessed, I have predictably kept on keeping on...with my blog, that is. :-)

Ay yi yi! Sometimes I wonder about myself. I just can't stop talking or writing. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing but I know that it's part of who I am so I've come to accept it; and I'm sure my friends have too - the wonderful people that they are. :-)

So, I have something to say to anyone who is reading this: don't give up on your dreams!
I may be in debt and not where I want to be but I am being true to myself. I'm not quitting. I'm keeping my faith and pursuing every avenue that God has in front of me. The one that succeeds will be the one that He wants for me. I've prayed a lot about it and that's really what He is telling me. I haven't given up on my writing career; or on my love of entertaining people. I have been sidetracked, however, and I see that now. Discipline has been absent in certain areas of my life. It is discipline that I need to focus on. And that may mean making some people upset with me or will hurt their feelings. But I have to do what is best for me sometimes - and that means others may be disappointed. I have learned that I can't control people's feelings; I can only be honest with them and hope that they can see that it's the best decision.

I need to leave the studio - for good. At least, in the capacity that I have been in. I need the money but I need the time more. Monetarily, I can cut out things from my life that I don't really need. I can save money better and can focus on using it for better purposes.

There are a lot of I's in this blog; that's because I'm convinced that I haven't been pulling my own weight enough. I need to be the one to follow through; no one else can do it for me.

Another piece of advice: find time to relax; don't over work yourself!
I come from a family that over works every day of their lives. It isn't healthy and it doesn't make things any better; even if you need the money. After awhile, it drags you down and can even give you health problems. Even if you love your job, take a vacation at least one week a year - even if you don't get paid for it, like me now. Though my vacation was pretty hectic, it was a much needed break. I did refuel a bit because I was around different people for awhile. For me, it was partly the choice of place that I went on vacation that made it hectic and not as soothing as it could've been. But it was still nice and a good change in routine for me. Please, take a vacation when you know you need it; even if it's only for a weekend, it will do wonders for mind, body and soul.

I'm on a roll here so I'm going to keep going.

Advice number 3: Thank your friends for being your friends.
Seriously, sometimes we forget how important they are and don't really thank them enough. Remember, there is a reason why we have them: they're the ones that can handle us and will hang out with us when no one else wants to. So, say thank you in some way for them being your friend and accepting you for who you are - even if sometimes you annoy them, too. :-)

Advice number 4: Take chances - in every part of life!
I'm not necessarily a risk-taker but I am outgoing. And I have taken risks with my career, with moving away from my entire family and with my friends. But now, I'm taking risks to be happy. If there is something you've always wanted to do - DO IT! If there is someone who you've been crushing on: TELL THEM! I'm not telling my last crush because I don't really crush on him anymore; of course, I'm not sure I'd say no if he asked me out. But I am determined to flirt with the best of them and to go out on a limb the next time I have feelings for someone. You just never know anymore if a guy likes you back; they're so passive these days. Of course, it someone you aren't interested in asks you out, don't be afraid to say no. Sometimes being nice truly backfires. You end up hurting someone more if you go out with them when you didn't want to in the first place. They get a glimmer of hope and latch on more so when you say you really aren't interested and never really were, it hurts them more. You may not feel great about saying no in the beginning because they're "a nice guy...," but you'll feel worse if you wait to say no. And there is something to say about attraction. It may not be a physical one but if there is an attraction to someone, explore it. Looks aren't everything; but let's face it, they do help.

Okay, well, I think I'm done for now. Dr. T, signing off. :-)

Post 103: Bowing Out?

Last Tuesday (meaning before I went on vacation), a friend of mine announced that she had entered the blogging world. It was very ironic for me because that very day I had decided to that I should probably leave the blogging world - for good. I have used this site as a way to eek out my frustrations, make comments about issues that the people I'm around at the time don't care anything about, and just general ravings. But I do get personal sometimes on this blog and that may not always be a good thing. I am a personal person; everything I do is personal, including the stories I write. A lot of times I don't finish them because they are so personal. I have so many unfinished stories that I could probably publish an entire book just on those. But none would have an ending and that would make people upset.

However, when I get personal on my blog - it backfires. And mainly because I was the wrong person in the situation. Even if I'm clearly not in the wrong, I always blame myself anyway. There is a lot of hurt there - on both ends - but it seems to always hurt me more. That's because I always keep it locked in. I think I have forgiven and forgotten but I really never do. I leave it hidden somewhere behind something and then when I screw up again, it peeks out to remind me that I've done this before and I should be ashamed that I didn't learn from my mistakes. And then it hides again but takes the new hurt with it so the next time I mess up, it feels even worse.

My blog has given me this headache a lot. I just can't not be personal with people. I have learned not to keep things inside and to ask the hard questions now - even if I know I won't like the answers.

For the first time in my life, I have real friends. Friends that do things for me and that I love to do things for. I was reminded of this by my dad of all people. I know he felt bad that he couldn't do anything for my big birthday but his statement was so stunning and convicting: "I'm just so happy that you have such good friends that they would do something like this for you." He doesn't know them and yet he seems to know them well. I don't have a lot of things in my life that I truly desire: a full-time job that satisfies me enough to get out of bed on time every morning, my own home, a man who loves me that I love back (that isn't related to me) and my own family (3 kids but one would do just fine). But I have something that everyone needs in every day of their lives: friends. So, I sent an e-card to most of them yesterday. I was surprised at some of the responses I received. A few people responded with a return e-mail that I didn't expect at all. It was nice. It made me feel that what I did really put some sort of smile on their face - and that thought warmed me.

You know, I'm reading a very good book right now that is hard for me to put down - dang you, Nicholas Sparks (I only hope to have someone feel the same about my books, if I ever get one published). I haven't been able to sleep much because I keep thinking about the characters - and I've been late to work. Anyway, the book has a lot to do with relationships. I can see myself in the guy character (Taylor), how he responds to falling in love. I can see myself with his reactions and how he pushes away this wonderful woman and mother. I can see how it's easy to push yourself away so you don't get hurt; when, in acuality, you're trying to actually hurt yourself because you don't think you're worth it. And then there are times that I can see myself in Denise. I understand her frustrations and her desire to keep her son from being hurt by a man that may not be able to commit to them both. Though I haven't finished the book yet (I'm on chapter 23), it doesn't matter what the ending is because I've learned so much already. I do, however, want to finish it and see what happens. Mr. Sparks is truly gifted with endings. Even if it's a little sad (A Walk to Remember), you still know that it was the best way to end it and did the story and its characters justice. At any rate, I've learned a little about myself from a work of fiction.

It's funny how God works sometimes in people. In me, I get it from what I write or read on paper. It's a way He's always used to communicate with me. And the beach. Bird Rock. 17 Mile Drive. Pacific Grove. California. But this is only my favorite place He speaks to me. He speaks to me a lot; I just sometimes choose not to listen - as we all do at some point.

So, after getting personal again, I'm kinda thinking that maybe this isn't my last blog. It could be. Maybe. I guess we'll have to see how I feel tomorrow. I've become one with my surroundings in one way: Like Indiana, if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes; it'll change. When I wake up tomorrow, I may be a different person than I am right now. I'm frustrating, exciting, mysterious and fun that way. Some guy is going to have a handful one day; but it'll be worth it because, as I'm finding, I'm worth it.

Post 102: Nasty, nasty storms

I guess you sometimes don't realize how bad a storm is until you drive to work the next day. I live a little outside of town and take a back route into work each morning (avoiding the main roads with high traffic). The storm itself was very quick; it was moving 60 miles an hour. But the high winds and lighting did plenty of damage even with the quickness of the storm. Once I got into town, I was amazed at what I saw down Rogers. There was this amazing yellow victorian home that I admired everymorning. It was big, too. Was - that's the problem. It's gone! A very large tree in the front yard is broken and laying into the front of the house. But that's not all. It looks as if the winds have taken apart the back of it, too. It's just a shell of itself; almost a pile of wood debri. I teared-up as I passed it. But that was just the beginning. There are several houses with trees decorating their roofs; well, what's left of their roofs and the front of their houses.

We didn't have any tornadoes; but when they said damaging winds, they weren't kidding!

I am so very happy that I'm going to CA for a week. After Friday's and yesterdays storms, I'm already ready for a break from our Spring. :-)

Post 101: Sampson's Signing

Ok - so we finally have resolution in the coaching search. Kudos to Greenspan. He's gone out and gotten the best coach available. He didn't succumb to IU loyalist desires; instead he used his head and found a great all-around coach - who has recruiting skills, I might add.

No matter what people say about how we're "disappointed" that an IU guy isn't at the Basketball throne, I think it's a great decision. BTW, those "disappointing" viewpoints are from people who aren't looking at the bigger picture. Let's face the facts: The Bob Knight Era was over about six years before he was fired. Get with it, people. I'm talking to you IU fans who can't see past the end of your stuck up noses. This is a new time and a new era in basketball; we need someone to not only bring the prestige back to Indiana as THE place to play basketball but to also be RESPECTED as a school/community again. Sampson has the goods to do both.

Time will only tell if it happens; but I for one am an IU fan that is greatful to have an AD who looks at the whole picture and hires the right person - not the popular one. Popularity contests never work in Sports - never.

And I can't wait to see good defense again. :-) Bring it on!

Let the IU Circus begin...

er...well, it already has. Now we're hearing that IU and Kelvin Sampson, Oklahoma's Head Coach, have nailed down a contract and are getting ready to have a press conference about it in the next day or two.

Hmmm....he would be a great candidate but with all the uncertainty surrounding the last "rumored to be in negotiations" candidates, I'm not going to take it at face value until I actually see the face of AD Greenspan announcing such on local TV. It's craziness, this search for a basketball coach! It's been like a circus in the office - and I'm sure that goes for every office in the city of Bloomington. You know that if someone isn't talking about it, they are at least thinking about it - even the ones that don't care much about sports. It really doesn't matter - if you live in this town, any news about IU basketball is destined for the daily water cooler chats, regardless of gender.

So, though I like Coach Sampson, I'm not going to take it as fact until I have some solid facts. I'll just wait on hearing from the boys in our sports department. We'll know that it's a done deal when we hear deep exhaling coming from the back of the building. :-)

Okay, so I'm starting to get comments...

...from my blog entries. It's kinda cool because though this is an online blog you really don't know who reads it - until, of course, someone responds.

So to the person who just responded - you may be right about Calipari but this town is nutty when it comes to basketball. Our AD, while new, has brought in the right people so far so I'm trusting he will do the same now. However, the coach that comes here needs to win over the locals. Otherwise, he'll be in for the same beating that Davis took. I'm certain that Greenspan knows this and is taking into consideration what type of person he pays for this job. The next person has to have two very important qualities, among a zillion others: 1) a charismatic personality, and 2) a knack for making everyone believe that when he's wrong, he's still right. Basically, The General re-incarnate.

Otherwise, not only will this new meat be "forced" to leave but Greenspan will be on his way out, as well, in the next two to three years. And I'm very sure that Greenspan wants nothing to do with being the object of IU loyalist's hit list. It wouldn't be pretty. In fact, it isn't something I'd wish on my worst enemy - if I had one.

All about B-ball

Okay, so I'm really impressed with my college alma mater's search for a new basketball coach. They really are keeping thier lips sealed and I think that is the right thing. Of course, as a journalism graduate from the school, I know that it has to be so frustrating for the sportswriters here at the H-T. I mean, of course we want to be the ones to know first - we live here and if you live here you breath, bleed and worship IU basketball.

But I'm starting to see how smart Greenspan, our AD, really is. He is not letting people here, critics or the media affect his decision. And I'm impressed by some of the names mentioned - if Calipari is really in negotiations for the IU job as rumored. He's a big name and brings a big game. IU would be lucky to have him - and Memphis will sorely miss him.

Again, everything is just rumors right now. But, boy, what a rumor. :-)

The Day after the Day after the Day after

Okay...so I got a little cutsy with my title but I felt like it. My last story is due this Sunday and I've been in a groove. Really, I have. It's taken awhile to get back to it since life kinda took the driver's seat for the past couple months but at least it's back - my creativity. My story, meanwhile, is changing. It's her, her fiance and the doctor. That's it. It's not a happy ending, either. I hate unhappy endings which is why I'm really trying to write one. Life isn't always happy but we do have resolutions. They may not be the resolutions we wanted but they always end up being the one that is the best for us. So, this story is that for me. I want it to end with a hard-to-swallow but realistic resolution. And I think I've just about accomplished that.

Having the creative juices flowing again is so freeing for me. I get out of myself and into someone else and it just wakes me up. It's so liberating but challenging all at the same time. Liberating that I'm creating this character but challenging because the character always ends up teaching me something that I need to see in myself and be a better person. You write and erase (or delete if you write on the computer) this fake person's characteristics so many times that they just evolve into something that you couldn't have guessed in the beginning - and then you realize that it's a metaphor for you, your life. You're being molded and changing and growing from the time you leave the womb. The character you created, even if they seem so different from you, is really a part of you. There is at least one thing in them that characterizes you. I see that and reflect upon it in each character that comes off the page I'm writing on. Sometimes I feel like God teaches me through some of the characters that I create. Of course, they are not my creation. They are what God wants me to create; He gives me the idea and I write it down. It's a pretty sneaky way to get my attention but it always does. I don't know if I'll ever be able to support myself financially through my characters/stories but I know that God will continue to teach me through them.

So here's hoping that my last story for the class gives me a clue as to what God wants me to learn next. :-)

The Day After

I have been posed the question many times today, "So do you feel different now that you're 30 years and 1 day old?" I answered that I didn't but you know what? That's a lie. I do feel different. As I look outside at the snow (yes, I did say snow; though it's supposed to be Spring I wished for snow on my birthday - it's a day late but it still works for me), I do feel different. I have a different perspective and I feel freer (if that's even a word). After my party Sunday night, I realized that I am EXTREMELY blessed. Though sometimes my personality may be a little too outgoing, I still have friends and family that not only see through that but celebrate it. That just makes me feel like I'm really an okay person; that I should be proud of who I am and not just on the outside - on the inside as well. A lot of times in the past I've felt like a fraud. I may have acted non-chalant or super positive on the outside, but on the inside I felt wretched and hated myself. Those feelings are fewer and much farther between now and I can see it finally. I feel like I am finally growing up. I'm just a slow learner. :-)

And, after my party, I see where my desires really lie. I love many, many things but there are a few that I've always wanted and it's plain to see that everyone else knows, too. It's not a secret. It really is what I love. Those three things are sports, becoming an author and entertaining people. I love Ballroom Dancing but I have come to see that if I can't work for myself, I can't do it full-time. And though I may be a good instructor, I can't go back to that life. It's all-consuming and doesn't leave much time for anything else. I need to have my friends and time for my family; and time to meet my future husband. Working every evening is not something that I want to do again. I won't go back to that life now that I've experienced what it's like to have both a social and a work life. I have great friends and have time to spend with my family now. I didn't when I worked full-time at the studio; in fact, I had very few friends and none of them were close friends. It's hard to come to that decision but it's the only decision that I can make.

It has taken so long for me to be able to let go of a lot of things - especially this. I am not leaving the studio immediately but there will come a day (sooner than later) that I will. I'm not being utilized as it was originally discussed so I'm getting burned out. Too much longer and I'll start hating it again. I don't want that to happen and I don't want to let anyone down there. They have worked very hard to get where they are and I want them to continue to get better. We have terrific instructors now and terrific students. I want to see that continue but I know I won't be able to be a part of it much longer.

Though this realization is sad and was hard to come to, it's also exciting to realize that I've finally been able to make a tough decision. If I want to have a family and to be out of debt someday, I need to have my evenings free and I need a job that is full-time with benefits. I need to have something that utilizes my abilities/talents/natural instincts and also satisfies me. So I need to get serious and figure out what that is. I've figured out what that isn't finally. But there are many paths that "could be" perfect. Now, I just have to weed the imposters out.

Here is what I really want to happen in the next few years:

One full-time job that I actually like

Out of debt (or at least almost out of debt)

A dating life (a boyfriend or husband would be great but I'd settle just to be out there dating again)

My own place - preferably buying but I'll settle for being able to rent something nice on my own without a lot of financial strain - of course, it would be better if this happened with a husband but I'm not holding my breath. And I love being so close to my parents but I need to be on my own and fully responsible.

I know that's a lot to ask but if you don't ask for it, you won't get anything. So I'm pursuing them all and fully expect for at least half of them to come true because they are really all related. See if I find a full-time job with benefits then I send more money to my debtors, which in turn gets me more financially stable so I can then pursue my own place. The dating thing, well, that's a question mark. It has nothing to do with a job or my financial position. That's something that God really has to do for me. I don't know that if I am invited to a party one day that I have to go because I will meet my future husband there. You just don't know when that is going to happen. So I'm just going to pursue my goals but enjoy myself. One day, I'll meet someone that is the right man for me and it will be the perfect time and place - and I won't know that until it's that moment.

So, yes, I do feel different and now I'm going to act like it.

30 years young

Today is the day! It's finally here! I'm sure y'all are very relieved. :-)

But, you know what? I find ways to make my birthday last. One of my bosses at work is taking me out to lunch tomorrow and my dad said that he didn't send me as much as he usually does because I'll be there in a few weeks so he's going to treat me then. So this year, I managed to make my birthday last to mid-April. I'm getting good at this.

Anyway, it was a wonderful weekend. I may not have my own family or even a boyfriend yet but I've been blessed with amazing friends and family. And I do have work even if it's not full-time or with benefits. I am surviving and I fully expect this to be a great year. It's not because I just turned the big 3-0 but because I refuse to allow it to be anything other. You know, God gives us a lot but we don't always notice it. There are times that He gives us a clue to what He wants for us but we have to take the steps to get it. It's not that we have to work for our blessings but we have to follow through in His plan. I plan on following through this year on everything - even if that means internet dating. It's not what I want to do but it's becoming clear that the men here are fairly stupid to not want to go out with me. I've finally realized that I am a catch. I've struggled with my attractiveness all my life. But now I'm pushing aside those ill feelings towards myself and being confident in who I am - even though there are parts of me that are still growing up. We all make mistakes and are continually growing. We have to accept that and accept ourselves. I think I'm finally ready - really ready - to accept that.

There is a perfect job and the perfect man for me out there somewhere; and though I'd love to stay here in Bloomington awhile longer, I fully realize that God's plan for me is bigger than anything I can dream up. If His will leads me away from here, I know it's all for the best.

But I'm going to take advantage of living here as long as I can. Happy Birthday to me!

Da Vinci Code

Okay, here are my thoughts on the Da Vinci Code book and movie.

As a Christian, I just can't support a book that is basically trying to usurp the credibility of Jesus. I realize that it may be entertaining and the author may not be meaning to do anything but create a name for himself - still, it's a little disheartening to know so many of those I know who love the Lord have not only spent money to buy and read the book but want to watch the movie. I feel comfortable in being vocal about this because most already know my opinions on this and I know won't be surprised by my comments.

I am not perfect and have my own faults; but this book has seemed to make me come alive when it comes to my faith and an apparant blasphemical book that some of my Christian bretheren find entertaining. It calls into question my own values in what books I read and what movies I see. The fact that this particular book makes my insides crawl tells me that I should seriously consider how other things of such nature have crept into my own life - and the means to get rid of them.

I have seen "Passion of the Christ" only once and for the sole reason that I cannot handle my wretchedness for God having to stoop to my level and undergo such torture - just because He loves me that much. I can't ever find a love like that in this world; no matter how hard I look for it. No man will come close to God's love for me. And I can love with abandon but not to the extent that God's love for each and everyone of us can; at our best, we still aren't close to the vastness of His love. But I can't condone a story that has Jesus as being imperfect. He was not and is not and will never be anything but part of God. That my Christian community (me included) has allowed ourselves to be deceived by such blasphemy is saddening; and again, I should really take a look at myself and what I allow as being okay whether it's for myself OR for my friends.

If you want to know just what He went through for all of us, read the book of John, chapter 19. Would you do that for someone you loved? I don't know anyone who would go to those lengths. Jesus did. And I refuse to allow anyone to see Him as anything else but perfect - especially not as he is represented in The DaVinci Code - even if it's for "entertainment" value.

So much to do...GO HOOSIERS!

What a weekend! Have I already said that I hate thunderstorms? Yeah, I guess that's an understatement. Luckily, we were spared the really nasty stuff. It's disheartening though that so many other states were devastated. I hope that those deaths weren't because of stupidity and were because of the intensity of the storms. I see a lot of people around here driving in the worst parts of the storms, thinking that nothing will happen to them. If they did that in the other states, they'd have been sorely mistaken. I stay put or make sure I'm close to home in those storms. Even though we were spared, I'm still glad of my decision to stay put. You just never know.

But it also means that this week I'm going to be a little busier than planned. It shouldn't be too bad but with the addition that I didn't get much sleep a fw nights this week becasue the storms we had were pretty loud, I'll feel a little rushed. Tomorrow, everything is up in the air. I'm preparing for something to happen later this week or weekend and only have a couple hours to do it before I'm to be at Bible study. I don't want to miss it again but I may have to. And then my mom tells me that we're going away for the weekend so I have to be packed and ready. Plus this weekend I have to get my dress for Jennie's wedding (I still haven't gotten the swatch yet) so whereever we go has to have shopping. It's getting kinda late for me to get the swatch. I really should have had it at the latest last month but my best friend has been busy and she's not exactly the on time type so I'm not surprised. Nor am I upset - I know her and she knows me. I'll find something; though I am getting a little pressed for time.

So, here's the rundown for my week: Jen's birthday, my birthday, going out of town and finding a wedding dress. It's going to be crazy - but good crazy. At the end of it, I'll have gone through three celebrations and found my maid-of-honor dress all in one weekend. And, let's not forget that I'll have said goodbye to my 20's. Maybe, just maybe, I'll finally become a grown up. :-)

Okay...so that may never happen but here's to having a great decade anyway! :-)

Oh...and GO HOOSIERS! I'm a little miffed that so many "experts" are picking my boys to be upset in the first round. I've had it with them. Even when we're doing well, they pick against us. In 2002, none of them picked us in any game in the NCAA tournament and yet we went to the National Championship game. Had our boys not been tired under all the stress they had to suffer that year and been healthy (Coverdale played with a bum ankle; he could barely walk - and Jeffries knee wasn't great), I have no doubt that we would have kicked Maryland's booty. I have no doubt, period. They underestimated us all year. So bring it on, boys! Let's show that picking against us is only adding fuel to our fire. This Hoosier girl is behind you all the way and believes in you.

Vanity

Okay, so sometimes I feel like I'm a little too vain. But, who wants to look bad on their birthday, right?

I just sent an e-mail to the two friends that are planning my party. I made one request: that I don't look bad for my birthday or my birthday party (I don't know what day it is going to be so I covered my bases). They have said they are not going to tell me so I wanted to be sure that I'm not attending my birthday in lounge clothes or am rolling out of bed. It is my 30th birthday - a milestone - and I know there will be lots of pictures taken by my mom so I want to look good looking back on it. I'm sure there will be enough of "blackmail" pictures of me through the years at my party to more than make up for any good pictures taken. :-)

I do trust them - but we all sometimes second guess that though our friends know us, they don't know everything. There was a day a couple weeks ago that a close friend of mine was surprised at something I said I liked - a good surprise, but a surprise nonetheless. Sometimes you take for granted that the closest people to you know everything about you - but they don't. And, in extension of that, you may place that same expectation on the man that is your soulmate. That's not fair on him - or you. The man I marry is not goign to be perfect - and I need to realize that I'm not either.

I tend to forget that and hold these super high expectations on people - like they are supposed to remember everything I say and do. That's impossible - I say way too much for anyone to remember even 1/3 of what I say or do. Last night's Bravehearts study really hit home this point for me. We discussed Chapter 4 - The Queen of Hearts. Wow! We all had pretty strong observences about the chapter and ourselves personally. It was great to get everything out in the open - I really wish that more people could've been there because I think it was a really good study for the group.

So, I'm learning for the second time (the Bravehearts leadership already did the study last year) that I need to relax my expectations - they are impossible and unrealistic! And I need to trust more; my friends and family trust me even when they have the right not to.

And...I am now fully commited to NOT WORRYING about anything concerning my birthday - including how I'm going to look. But I'm not stopping my countdown....14 days. :-)

Having Faith

If I didn't have my faith, I don't know who I'd be or where I'd be. Faith is so important; not only Faith that God's going to do what He says He's going to do but also faith in the people around you.

But Faith gets tested, repeatedly and often. We don't like to be tested - I don't like to be tested. But when we come through a situation on the positive side, it makes it all better. This is one of those times for me. Someone very close to me is okay - they don't have the disease doctors were worried about. It's been a trying time to keep Faith and let God handle it - because it very easily could have gone the other way and that still would've been in His will. But it would've been harder to deal with. I can focus a bit more now and I feel a great deal of thankfulness that the situation turned out this way.

On another note, I exercised Faith yesterday at dinner with some friends. My birthday was brought up (and I want to be clear that it wasn't me that bought it up - see I'm being very, very good) but when I said that I wasn't to know anything including where or when it was going to be, I got weird looks. Either they already know or were really trying not to fill me in or give me hints. That is a good thing because it strengthens my Faith in my friends who are planning this. I love them both very much and am learning to let go of control over certain things - most notably my birthday celebration. I do like to control certain things in my life and this is one of them. I think I am succeeding in weakening my grip on such things. But I am still getting more and more excited so I have to keep myself calm and not talk about it so much.

I am still allowing myself to do a countdown, though...less than 20 days remain before I'm officially out of my 20's. :-) I'm told, too, that the 30's are great. Since I don't have a family or a career yet, I'm taking that to heart. All those things I desire may be waiting for me to turn 30. :-)

Committed

...in every way but one. I mean, it's as if I forget that there are only 24 hours in a day! What am I thinking? I work three days a week from 9 a.m.-10 p.m. at two very different jobs. The other two weekdays I work and then do two Bible studies. Essentially, I am gone from home from 8:45 a.m.-at least 10 p.m. during the week. Also, most Saturdays are spent at the studio from 11 a.m.- 4 p.m. My Sundays are now committed to be at church for most of the day.

What am I doing with my time? This is a good reason why I have no quiet time with the Lord anymore. It isn't that these things I'm committed to are so bad. They are all good things but there's too many of them. No wonder I don't have a boyfriend; I'm not around enough to know if I like someone and if they like me back. I'm just not that available. And I don't see that changing anytime soon.

Tonight will be nice. Our Bible study is getting together for dinner instead of study; which only means that it will be a little shorter. I love our Bible study and what we're studying but it's so nice to have an evening where all I have to do is eat and then go home. I have the opportunity today to be home before 9 p.m. - that's unheard of on a weeknight for me.

I'm enjoying teaching at the studio but I'm not enjoying the two different jobs. It's too difficult. But I haven't found anything full-time that will make me financially comfortable and stimulate me. I wish I knew what to do next - what to apply to, what to study, what to strive for. I'm so confused. I have no clear path but to keep doing what I'm doing. I just wish that something really good will happen (and when I say something, I'm thinking financially for the most part - new job, win the lottery, get out of debt sooner). That's a lot of stress. If I could just become a better steward of my money - which is arguably not mine - then maybe I can focus a little better.

The Last Days...

...of officially being in my 20's has begun. Well, it began 337 days ago...and if you're more technical, it began 9 years and 337 days ago (I'm too tired to figure out the exact amount of days). For me, though, it officially started Saturday - which marked 30 days until my 30th birthday.

For 30 days leading up to my birthday, I am doing one thing that I want to that day - no matter how big or small it is. Saturday, I did not work (though I sort-of worked for one lesson) and spent time with friends at my house playing cards and watching movies and the Olympics. Though nobody knew it, that's how I kicked off this little adventure - with my little card party. So thanks, guys, for helping me start the celebration even though you didn't even know you did. Sunday, I went to see a movie with a friend. Today, I had fries from Arby's. I don't know what I'll do for tomorrow. I have Bible study after work so I guess I'll figure something out before then. Maybe I'll do something on my lunch hour - I'll think of something.

Today marks 28 days till I'm 30...if you're counting. :-)

Countdown #4

34 days and counting... :-)

I'm getting more and more excited. But I'm trying to keep it in check. I promised my friends that the only thing I would talk about concerning my birthday is to do this countdown. I left all the plans up to them. I even told them that I trusted them with everything. That's a big thing for me - not the general trusting part. It's the trusting that everyone will have fun at my birthday part. I always end up planning my own birthdays because no one else seems to want to; and that way, I do exactly what I want. But this year, I'm giving up control and "trusting" someone else to plan it for me. Two of my friends are taking on the challenge and I trust these two completely with the task. It's just getting harder and harder for me to not know what the progress is and all the details. But I also want to be surprised and want them to have confidence that I do trust them...so I'm just going to keep myself in check and resist my desire to ask them about it. I can do it but prayer would help because I am seriously getting really excited. :-)

I have a date...

...with the Sandman. You know how I was all complaining about not having a date for Valentine's? Well, that is so last season. I just want to sleep...sleep, sleep, sleep. I'm exhausted. My eyes feel like they are bowling balls (thank goodness for Mary Kay's Indulge Soothing Eye Mask! Otherwise, I'd look like a raccoon who met the varmit's version of Rocky).
Seriously, I'm tired!

And, of course, everyone around me is sick. I mean, sick, sick. One person I know who is highly contagious (she has three forms of illness - all at once) is still periodically getting around people and infecting them. But, thank goodness, she finally realizes that's she's ill and needs to stay in bed. She needs to get better - a lot better -before she comes back to work. Otherwise, it won't be long before she is sick again. And she needs to be well. There is so much going on right now and I know she's upset that she's missing it. Still, it's better to get really well than to repeat the process all over again.

So, I have a date with my pillow at 8 p.m. - yes, 8 p.m. I have two lessons at the studio and then I'm going straight home. I should be home no later than 8 p.m. And I'll be asleep shortly after - I'll take one Tylenol PM just to make sure I fall asleep right away and stay asleep until 7:30 a.m. Wednesday, Feb. 15. :-)

Just another day...

...another ordinary day. Huh? Yeah, days aren't ever ordinary for me. But today isn't super emotional or interesting either. I'll take that...when I can get it. So I like today - a lot.

I was just thinking about next Tuesday - the dreaded Valentine's Day. I had hoped that this year would find me with a date for that evening. Yeah, I have a date...with my Bible study. I just don't know anymore if I should even be looking for a special someone. I know that I brooch this subject a lot on this blog but seriously, what am I doing? I mean God hasn't so much as put someone in my life that I have even wanted to date (and vice versa). I joke a lot that certain NFL, NBA or MLB players are just "waiting for me." But I'm joking. It's a way to not make me feel so bad about myself when it comes to the opposite sex, especially in front of all my guy friends. You know, I'm not exactly unattractive. I've stuggled with my physical self my whole life, trying to be prettier and have a better body. But really, I shouldn't be trying so hard, I am attractive without all that stuff. I've finally been able to have a better view of myself. So now, I'm kind of tired of the questions I get from my family and friends on why I haven't found someone yet because to them I'm very pretty and have an attractive personality. I wish I could just tell them "Well, I know that I'm not supposed to have one so you should stop worrying about it because I have" - but every time I get to that point something happens to make me think that a guy I like likes me back. But guess what? NOTHING HAPPENS! So, I ask again, what am I doing?

As of today, my focus has to be a career - no matter where that takes me (a new job, a new city or a new country). Because I do really want to have kids. I'd prefer to have a family unit (mother, father, 2.75 kids) but that may not be for me. So, I need to put myself in a financial place so that I can adopt.

You know, I have more than one guy friend that is older than me and they are all single. And though it seems that they are very content in their single life - I just couldn't be if I were their age. I want to have a family and a house. I think sometimes it's easier for guys to stay single longer; they get to be on their own without any woman "nagging" them. But marraige isn't all about "nagging" (btw, this is something that another friend of mine believes about marraige and he's older, too). Don't you guys think that your marraige counterparts can't stand your little "flaws" either? It's a relationship that has to be worked on continually; it's not just us, you know. It takes two to have a relationship; and when you find someone who you can't live without even if there are some things that irk you, then that's the person God has for you (especially if they feel the same way about you).

But guys like to "sow their oats." Even Christian guys do this - but in other ways. Are you about done yet? Because us aging, attractive Christian women have about had it. I know that I speak for most of my single women friends and others that I've never even met. We don't sleep around, we cook, we clean, we're intelligent, we like to be active and we are fun to be around. But apparently, if we're not a natural blonde with a big chest - well, that doesn't work for you. I don't mean to be judgemental about this but that's what I see. Unless we have "hot" bodies, even our Christian bretheren don't give us the time of day. So, on behalf of my many single girlfriends, wake up and get real, guys! You're missing out on a good thing - probably the best thing to ever happen to you.

Okay, I'm off my soap box....for now. Yeah, like the above is going to get me a date. It'll probably push guys away...but at least it's honest. And maybe it'll help some guy get off his butt and ask a girl out - and that girl may happen to be one of my friends so all the words written in this entry were worth it (even if it's not happening to me).

Rollercoaster, baby!

That is what my life is...a non-stop rollercoaster. One day it's the fastest in the world; the next day it's the scariest with mind-blowing drops; and then the day after that it can be more of a kiddie ride. Seriously, it's no wonder I was exhausted yesterday. I slept for 16 hours. I had trouble focusing my eyes and not getting dizzy. I didn't have a cough, sneezed, or had any sort of temperature. I just couldn't clear my head. Today, I feel like a whole new person! I guess that I just needed to rest. And rest I did...16 hours!

I found out some good news personally and from a friend. The personal one I'll keep to myself for now but it's helped my demeanor today. But a good friend of mine from CA is having her second child this year! I'm so excited for her. It's another little girl (she has a little girl already named Lucy). If it works out, I may get to see her and my other friend and her son for lunch while I'm in CA in April. It'll be so great to see them with their families in person! I haven't gotten to see their babies yet so I really want it to work out that I can see them - even though my time is short there.

This friend of mine is also on the "Move Tiffany back to CA" bandwagon; actually, I think she's more like the Ringleader. She's always wanted me to be back. I just have never wanted to move back - but since there are so many things NOT happening here I'm open to the fact that I could be moving again. But I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT move back to Los Banos or Fresno. No offense to my family and friends there, but I don't want to live in those cities again. It's great to visit but not to live for me. If I move back, it's to somewhere that is either closer to the mountains or the beach. However, I'm not really a CA girl anymore; yes, I miss the beach but the fast, workaholic lifestyle - definitely not. So, we'll just see what God has in store for me. I'm just ready to keep my options open. And I'd really like to meet somewhere back here and get married back here. But I know I'll be happier with God's plan for me...so I'm willing to wait.

Plus, I can't move soon - Alisa and Jen are planning my 30th birthday! I can't miss that! I have a lot of friends that will be there to celebrate with me - who care about me as a person and accept me though I'm sometimes messy. I really appreciate them and that God has allowed me to be part of their lives - even though I only see some of them sporadically. So though the party is in my honor - I'll feel honored and humbled that they showed to support me.

Why am I so stupid?

Seriously, why am I so stupid? I'm not talking about in the intelligence way - although you could argue that it could have a little to do with it. I just opened up about something today to a few friends. I admitted that I like this other person. I don't even know why I'm attracted to him because he doesn't really know that I exist - in that way. I have to be cryptic here because, though I don't think he'll ever read this blog, I can't let him know. I'll feel stupid and like a fool. But I have to admit that I want to get to know him better. I'm curious about him past what everyone sees on the outside but I'm never ever around him. Maybe once every couple months. Really, I think that the attraction is partly physical but mostly, it's curiosity. Curiosity killed the cat - so why can't I let it go? We're probably not compatible in a romantic way but that still doesn't make me want to not want to get to know him.

Because I'm stupid. I always start to like guys that don't have a clue that I exist. Why can't I be attracted to someone that is attracted to me back? It's not supposed to be this hard. If you like someone and they like you back, it should be easy. But that never happens to me. In fact, it's always been really bad timing - that's why I've never had a boyfriend. It always ends up that one of us is moving on so only then does one of us open up - just before leaving - and admit that at one time we had the hots for each other. On one hand, it's good because it's obvious that the other person wasn't the one the God wants us to spend eternity with. On the other hand, I've never had any experience with relationships so as I get older I'm less and less confident in saying yes to someone I like. I feel like I'm a total baby when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. I'm pretty good at hanging out with guys due to the fact that I LOVE most sports. But that sometimes gets in the way of dating. I'm thought of as a "buddy" or a "safe" girl - like I don't expect to be treated like a lady. Can't I be both? Can't I be treated like a lady and a friend? Apparently, guys don't think so.

It gets frustrating. I don't want to give up my love of sports and I can't give up my girly side. I'm at a loss at what to do. If guys can't accept me as either, both and/or - then am I ever going to be excepted as dating "material?" Will I ever be a girlfriend or, more importantly, a wife? Or am I destined to be alone because the opposite sex can't open their eyes and see what an amazing gift I can be for any man: a female who would actually love to go to sporting events with them, would make awesome food for "our" many sports-related parties, and am a fun personality to boot?

You men - you're really the stupid ones sometimes. And that's the cold, hard truth. Even if this person is attracted to me - just bear with my fantasy for a moment - he hasn't done anything about it. I was told that maybe he was hurt before and it's really hard for him to open up. Well, it's been years since we've known each other and if it's taken him this long, then he's not very bright and is letting a good thing slip away. Which makes me not want to like him but right now I don't have a choice in the matter; it would be easier if I could just turn off this curiosity but, apparently, I broke the nob. At least, not until the next poor man comes along that attracts me to him though he's actually wearing repellent. :-)

Is the desert calling?

He leads us on by paths we did not know; Upward He leads us, though our steps be slow, Though oft we faint and falter on the way, Though storms and darkness oft obscure the day;Yet when the clouds are gone,We know He leads us on. He leads us on through all the unquiet years; Past all our dreamland hopes, and doubts and fears, He guides our steps, through all the tangled maze Of losses, sorrows, and o'er clouded days;We know His will is done;And still He leads us on. - Nicholaus Ludwig Zinzendorf

Is the desert calling me? Or is it just playing with my emotions? That's what I want to know today. Will I be strong enough? Is there anything that I have to be strong about? Those are the questions I have today. Is it the end? Is it the beginning? Is it the middle? Is it just transition? This is what I don't know about life today.

The only thing I do know and am clinging to: that He knows what's best for me, for everyone. Whatever happens next is what's supposed to happen (and, of course, I pray that the good thing happens though I know that there's just as good of chance that the bad thing will happen instead). Still, you have to hope and be positive in the midst of so much uncertainty. Otherwise, what do we have but despair, depression and sadness. I choose to be positive - as much as I can be when things don't seem to be going right.

Everything all at once

It must state in the miniscule text in the Book of Life that everything has to happen all at once. It can't be gradual or you can't have one thing happen, fix it and then the next thing comes. No, we have to multi-task our problems. It's no wonder we (Americans) have high stress levels and are the fattest country on this planet.

Right now, my personal life is a little chaotic -though I've learned to accept it and put one foot in front of the other not worrying about the next step until it's here - otherwise I'd drive myself into the looney bin. One of the issues that I'm dealing with is health - that of a few in my family and my friends. I'm trying to be very positive but, to be brutally honest, I'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop - literally. I'm sure that with my luck, if it's going to happen, it's going to happen soon. Everything for me always happens at once - the bad thing about that is that it's all always bad. Not one positive happens in that time. I have to get through the bad stuff with not one iota of hope. If I didn't have a strong faith, I'm sure I'd be in a straight jacket by now. So besides trying to find a full-time job, figuring out why I'm so unattractive to the opposite sex so I can finally answer the question, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" that I get asked on a daily basis, finding a way to make my life debt-free and become a better friend, I may have to deal with health issues, too. You see, nothing good. It all may be going somewhere good but it's all negatives to work through; there just can't be one thing that just happens that's good that I don't have to work for - you know, it just happens without you even knowing.

What is getting me through is that I'm used to this. I don't cry much anymore; I just put it on my shoulders and walk through my day - half like a zombie and half just like a busy person. I found that being busy helps you not think of so many of the bad things. It's not that the busyness helps you avoid them, but it helps them to not overrun your life so you become a weepy mess. The lack of sleep also doesn't help but if you only give yourself enough time at rest in order to sleep in your bed, then you also don't have to think about the bad things as much - you don't have time! You must use the lag time to sleep (even if it's only 6-7 hours a day, which is what I'm averaging right now).

I don't mean to complain; I just need to get things off my chest. I fully realize that there are many people in this world that have bigger problems than mine. But we all have to release at some point or else we'll drive ourselves crazy. Everybody's problems are for each of us to share, support and help them get better.

But wouldn't it be nice if for once we can have one thing happen good in the midst of all the bad? I feel like all I ever talk about is not having a full-time job that I'm good at and like, not having a relationship, still being in debt and health problems. I'd just like for one of those things to change. 1 out of 4 would be great. All would be better; but 1 out of 4 is a good start. There would be hope and it would be easier to tackle the other three. Then again, I know God is teaching me something with all this. So, it may have to stay this way: everything all at once. Maybe that's the only way "it" works: this thing we call life.

Countdown 3 plus the future

49 days and counting....I had to do the countdown today because it's one of my favorite numbers. Yes, those who know me know exactly why: it's because of my beloved SF 49ers. :-)

You know, the future is very open right now: meaning I have no idea where I'm supposed to go from this point. I'm trying to figure out a way to get out of debt faster while finding a career. I love Ballroom dancing and I'm good at teaching it but I just don't see a career because physically I can't teach all day and I don't see any possibility of furthering my career at the studio beyond being an instructor (the reasons for which I'll keep to myself for now).

So, I'm now actually considering going back to school - and I have several degree options to consider. My first action though is to get my transcripts and figure out requirements to either do a second major or apply for a Master's - of which I have to cough up $9 just for a piece of paper at an institution that I gave over $14,000 already. But it will be worth it and $9 isn't necessarily going to break my bank account.

Consideration #2 is the continuation of finding a full-time job with benefits. This has been and is an on-going process. So, I have to keep it up even though I will be checking out other options. There could be that perfect job out there for me but it just isn't time yet. I have to be patient and keep sending out those resumes.

Consideration #3 is to check out this Toastmasters thing. My boss at the H-T informed me of the organization - it helps people become better public speakers (and meets way earlier than I ever get up). She said that it might also look good on my resume. I need to look into that soon.

Consideration #4 is to seriously think about taking cooking classes or going to Culinary school. I love to cook for people and entertain. Why not make money at it?

Consideration #5 is that maybe I'm not supposed to have a career but am in certain places so that I find that special someone in order to start a family and be a mom and wife. But, really, isn't that what I'm doing right now? Until something changes, this is where I'm at: waiting for something to happen to me that's positive like a relationship or a sound career.

But the relationship thing, while I want one badly, I don't think is the end all/be all to my life. I'd love just to date someone that has the possibility of becoming a commited relationship. I don't want to date anyone that is going to put pressure on me or himself to have something serious right away - even because I'm closing in on 30 and my biological clock is getting louder. And though it would be nice that the first person I kiss is the only person I kiss for the rest of my life, I know that it's not realistic. So I may have a few relationships before I find him. I just would like the searching to finally start - I mean, I've waited patiently for nearly 30 years; I should at least be rewarded with a boyfriend this year (even if it doesn't last forever).

On the other hand, I'm not sure that any man is going to accept me for who I am: not a supermodel...not incredibly smart though I'm definitely not a dimwit...am outgoing and outspoken...strong when I need to be but still need comforting...and someone who likes to relax. Most of the Christian men I know are very reserved, boring and not-aggressive enough to ask a girl out; they prefer to be pursued (which is backwards thinking). They also want these camera-ready women who seem to have the perfect body, bra-size and are at least as successful as them. I don't fit into that category and I've not found a guy that likes sports as much as I do, accepts/respects my knowledge and finds me to be attractive inside and out. So I find it hard to believe that there is anyone out there for me. I am a bit clumsy - physically and in life. There are times that I just have to laugh at the situations that I sometimes get myself into and I need somebody who is going to laugh with me - not at me.

Plus, I always seem to be attracted to men that will never be attracted to me. So the one time that it's mutual, maybe he'll be the one. Again, I hightly doubt it since I've never been attracted to the men who like me (which have never been compatible with me in the first place so I don't know why they're even attracted). It's just a vicious cycle that I wish would finally end by either God blatantly telling me that I'm supposed to be single or Him finally giving me a reason to hope. Either way, I don't have time to concern myself with it because I have to pay my bills - and focusing on this doesn't pay the bills. Though it would make things a bit easier if someone of the opposite sex thought me to be "amazing, gorgeous, talented" (and I thought of him the same way) - it would definitely improve my self-esteem.

Countdown 2...and other stuff

54 days and counting....:-)

There has been a few exciting things in the last couple days. They aren't big things but they make the day go a little smoother. For one, I just found out that I have QuarkXpress on my computer! Yay! I love working with Quark. Of course, it's only 4.0 so it doesn't have some of the options I'm used to using but it's a whole heck of a lot better than using Word for this work project I have right now. If I could afford to put it on my computer at home, I'd buy it. So, for the last two days I've been using my favorite program. :-)

Also, I had a great Bible study Tuesday night. We didn't actually do a study but reflected on our studies from last year and decided what we wanted to do next. It was nice to finally get back to a somewhat normal schedule - although a very, very busy one. However, fitting in two evening Bible studies a week is all the time I have to relax during the entire week, as my weekends now have become part of my weekdays! Ugh! I'm hoping that after Feb. 12, things will calm down a bit but I'm not really holding my breath. Until I find a full-time job with benefits or am more financially stable, I doubt things will get any better soon. Here's to hoping they will, though.

I just don't want to end up in a rut and burned out. I really don't have many to support me because I'm too busy for them to be there for me. And those who are my close friends have different schedules than me. This is where a significant other would be appropriate but, alas, that isn't in the near future. It would be nice to start dating again though. But I'm also not in a rush so I guess where I am right now is right where I'm supposed to be. I don't have a lot of time anyway.

I'm looking forward to my performances (Night in Old Vienna and Indy Classic) but right now I'm looking more forward to Feb. 5 - although it's a super busy day. Feb. 5th is the Super Bowl. I don't have anywhere to go yet but I'm sure that someone will have something that I could go to. I don't really want to be home alone watching it. I would throw my own thing but I'm busy intil 6 p.m. that night with things at church so there would be no way that I could host anything.

Go Steelers! I never thought I'd say that. But I'm a Randle El fan - and the Colts choked - so that's who I'm rooting for. I just can't wait until the Niners are in the playoffs again - but I'll probably be waiting for awhile. :-)

Under Construction

It's a new year...and a new and improved me (well, not yet but I'm working on it). In celebration of "new beginnings," my blog is also getting revamped. So, while I give my online journal a "facelift," please be patient. I am also planning on putting pictures on this year and I don't know how yet.

Although, I think I have found a good title. "Lost in Space" applies to me as a person (I can be "lightheaded" at times) and to the nature of this blog (since I seem to write about everything from sports to sleep deprivation to things that frustrate me).

Not only am I cleaning up my clutter, but I'm coming clean. No more lauriejotiffers.blogspot.com. I'm using my real name and all that that implies. If I'm to have an online blog and be honest on it, I want to be real in identity, too. Why be open and hide behind a fake name? I've now come to the conclusion that hiding behind a surname, while it might seem mysterious, is more like you're hiding out - for me anyway. So I'm coming clean, as Hilary Duff would sing.

Please visit me soon and check out all the new "stuff." Have a wonderful day!

Kobe - Wow!

It's nice to prove everyone wrong, isn't it? All those naysayers and know-it-alls finally get put in their place. Thank you, Kobe, for doing what I couldn't: prove to everyone that watching you play is better than any NBA Championship won by the Lakers in the recent years with your former "teammate."

I've followed Kobe Bryant since before he was a Laker. I read about him in both stories and interviews. I was so impressed and became a fan quickly. Then I found out he had always wanted to be a Laker - my team from the beginning. As a kid, he watched Lakers games and learned to move like Magic (along with others). So how excited was I that he actually became a Laker?! How amazing a part did fate play in that turnout? He wanted to be a Laker and he got his wish. Then he preceded to win championships and bring the glory back to L.A. But he did need a big man to do it. To be honest, I never really liked Shaq. He had to grow on me but even when he did help us to National Championships, I still wasn't that impressed. Had he stayed and Kobe left, I'd have been super upset. I can't be 100% sure but I think it would've been the only time I left my favorite team and followed a player instead. That's not like me - at all. I stick to my team even when it's bad (all of them). But I think Kobe is the only player that would be able to make me root for another team - whatever team he plays for.

That says a lot since my favorite player of all-time is Jerry Rice (of which my friends will immediately tell you about my "shrine" to the SF 49ers & IU Hoosiers). When he left SF, I didn't follow him though I still watched him play (and psychotically imagined him still in a Niner uniform though he was playing for the Raiders). But I have no doubt that I would go where Kobe goes. He is the best in the NBA and he cannot be denied that label especially now that he has a chance to prove it. There's nobody in his way hogging the spotlight or the ball.

What Kobe did last night was the mark of a great baller. His team was lethargic. He was ticked off. So he had to do it himself. I do think that the W was more important to him. He still has something to prove, people. He wants to get back to the Finals and win it - without Shaq - and that means the Lakers have to win. If he has to put up 81 points a game to do it, you know what?, he will. He has no fear and doesn't care what the critics say. He got the W; that's all that mattered.

But for the rest of us, it was a night that we'll all remember. It was the reason why fans watch sports - to witness individual and team feats like last nights. To watch records get broken or almost get broken. Wow! That's the only word to describe it.

Thank you, Kobe.

Good movie

"Glory Road" is a good movie - no matter what the critics say. It may not be the best movie ever made but it was so fun to watch. I laughed, I thought, I smiled, I teared up a little and I cheered. It was what a movie should be. It should be enjoyable in lots of different ways. There wasn't too much dialogue and actually had guys playing basketball. There are some sports movies that forget that the characters should actually be playing something. It looked so real, too. And they had the right actors for it; great casting. Thank goodness Affleck passed. He would not have been a good Don Haskins - just not the role meant for him. Josh Lucas was great in the role. I really can't see anyone else taking on the feat. Nice job.

I have to say that it still didn't compare to "Remember the Titans" or "The Rookie" but it held up against them for the most part. I was excited to see a good sports movie finally. But, seriously, nothing has come close to "Remember the Titans." What a great movie! Such a shame that it was passed over that year. I saw every movie that was nominated that year and I was very surprised that RTT wasn't one of them; actually, I was angry. But what could you do.

On another note, there was a nice preview of the new Disney movie, "Eight Below." I can't wait to see it! Of course, it also helps that Paul Walker is one of the leads. Thank goodness he's in something not involving cars or sexy women. I liked the "Fast and the Furious" and it's sequel but you kinda wish that your favorite actors star in movies that are either more family-oriented or Oscar-worthy. You want to see them respected. Then again, you don't know them and their desires so you really have no right to say anything - just give your opinion and that's it. I'm just glad that he's in something family oriented and a Disney movie (that isn't "Meet the Deedles" - it was enjoyable but forgettable, if you know what I mean).

However, the next must-see movie on my list is "The Pink Panther." Laugh if you want, but I can't wait to see Steve Martin play Inspector Jacques Clouseau...."Cato, Cato, where are you?" LOL. My favorite scene out of all of the first movies has to be the moat scene. I can watch it over and over and laugh just as hard each time. I love it! All the Cato scenes are a close second.

Countdown

So there isn't a lot for me to look forward to except my birthday (and visiting my family/Jennie's wedding in April). Here's the latest countdown...63 days.

Hook 'em, Horns! Yee Haw!

Though it didn't come at the hands of Fresno State this year, USC's loss in the Rose Bowl to Texas was still satisfying. And I like Texas - of course, mainly because my Brother's Godfather's son is a walk-on player who won a scholarship last year. He's a sophomore so he doesn't play much right now but he's getting in there. It's nice to have a personal connection.

Plus, I got to see Texas in action last year in the Rose Bowl against Michigan. Wow! What a game to witness in person. It was awesome! You watch Vince Young and keep rubbing your eyes because you just can't believe that what he does is real. It's almost as if you're watching a cartoon. He's so quick and amazing. He so deserved the Heisman this year. No offense to Reggie Bush. He's a great player; one of the best ever. But Vince is the MVP of his team, his conference and, to me, the entire nation. He does everything and even when things seem impossible, he finds a way. He deserved it more. But I guess the consolation prize isn't so bad: the National Championship and MVP of the Rose Bowl. Things don't get much better than that for a college football player. :-)

Hook 'em, Horns!

I have so many "issues"

Well, here it is Wednesday, January 4. My parents are back, I work at the studio for the first time since last Wednesday (a full schedule) and for no reason my neck and back decide to act up. Oh, yeah, I have had a lovely day. I've been trying to figure out how I'm going to teach five lessons tonight when I can barely move the area from the base of my skull to my last vertibrae. Ugh! The dancing Monday didn't do it. I wasn't doing anything that was overly stretching or fast or jumpy. It was more lyrical with my arms (a few turns here and there) but nothing to extend any of the areas. I was very careful; I always am now especially since I started back at the studio. Plus, I felt fine all day yesterday. Why would it show up now? I was fine when I went to bed both nights. But I woke up barely able to move this morning. I was late by an hour to work (of course, I called in to let them know what was happening). I've been doing what I need to but not even Advil is working. I have no idea what else to do.

So I've been thinking about this all day and I just realized what is happening: my stress is manifesting itself physically. When I really thought about it, I realized that I have a ton of issues still hanging over my head. There are so many things that I have to take care of that it's showing up physical. In addition to the facts that I had a pretty tough week and haven't been getting enough sleep, it's no wonder I can walk at all today. I suspect that Monday nights dancing had a little to do with it, I know that it was just a little bit. Seriously, I didn't do much at all even though it was for an hour. I watched and moved to four videos (a total of 7 times in an hour; I rested a lot and did choreography in my head during those rest times - I didn't do it physically). So it couldn't have led to this. I mean, I've done 10x more at the studio in one 45 minute lesson that I did Monday night physically.

Plus, it started in my neck. My back didn't feel bad this morning. It was my neck and shoulders. The last two times it started in my neck and spread to the rest of my back over the day, it was due to stress and too little of rest. Since my injury, I'm much more in tune with my body. Those last two times there also wasn't anything physical that I could link to it. I know that this has to be stress-oriented.

I've been able to fool myself for awhile; my body is finally trying to tell me to do something about my stress level. And believe me, I'm determined now to take care of this stress once and for all. I can't afford to be out of work because my back or neck is acting upon my stress level. No can do. So I'll be resting and putting my life in better order - starting immediately by picking back up my search for a full-time job with benefits. :-)

Red & Gold Forever!

I just found another sign that I was destined to always be a Niner fan. Taking a small break from work, I logged on to the San Francisco 49ers website and perused the current info. I found the sentence in the stadium facts section of the site:

The sod is technically known as "Tiffway II Bermuda", but in lay terms it is a hybrid of Bermuda with a Perennial Rye over-seed.

Tiffway...hmmm. Don't they mean Tiffany? :-) Yeah, I can rationalize just about anything that could possibly uphold my love of the Niners. :-)

Go Niners! We'll be back...and the word "dynasty" will then once again be uplifted to it's right full place: after San Fransico 49ers. :-)

Patriots who? Yeah, whatever.

From Sleep Deprivation to Dance

Yeah, it's like that this morning. But it's the opposite of being sleep deprived...actually, it's called Tylenol PM. I had to take a dose last night because I was pretty achy and I wanted to sleep. Instead of taking the 1/2 dose that I usually do, I took a full dose. So now I find myself feeling a bit drugged this morning. It usually wears off by now but there are no signs of that happening yet.

However, something happened last night that was a good thing. I watched a movie that had a music video as one of the extra features. It's a really nice song and inspiring. It inspired me to...dance. So I did - by myself in my living room (well, the upstairs living room) and barefoot. It was so much fun that I replayed the video about another three times. After that, I was so energized that I had to do more. I remembered that I had a few other movies that had music videos on the DVD so I took out those and did the same thing. These aren't hip hop videos or anything like that but they are songs that inspire me to dance. This went on for about an hour. I was getting tired and afraid that I was going to hurt my back so I stopped and watched another movie. But I so enjoyed the time that I did that. It was free-moving, spiritual, relaxing and all-consuming. It felt so great!

I love ballroom dancing but I almost love to dance behind closed doors more. Really, it's like lathargic for me. It's so calming...and it's the only exercise where you sweat that I like. One of the reasons why I love to swim so much is that you don't sweat. But I don't mind sweating when I'm dancing - not at all. :-)

My New Year's Resolutions

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Because I didn't get to see some of you this New Year, I wanted to make sure that I I wrote the following thoughts on my blog. I hope that you were able to spend a very happy new year with your friends and/or family.

Mine was pretty nice. I had a good time and was able to relax for a little bit.

However, it was also a thinking week for me. I'd like to let you guys in on a few thoughts and resolutions for my new.

Let me begin by saying that I do not think of myself as a very brilliant person or that my advice is always good. But some things have been revealed to me over the past week (well, year, really) that as I grow closer to my 30th year on this planet (77 days and counting), are good to reflect upon. And since I'm reflecting, I thought that maybe, as my friends, you should know what I'm probably going to be concerned with for the next year.

First is that to have friends you first have to be a friend. I'm not sure I've done this so well this year. At times, I have been okay. And at other times, I have really screwed up. But I've learned a lot from the screw ups about myself and my friends. Including the big fact that the people who stuck by me through my difficulties have proven to be my true friends. The people who give me advice that I don't want to hear but know I need to are my true friends. Those who forgive me for my flaws are also my true friends. And those that I do the same for - forgive, advise and stand by - I regard as my true friends. Friendships aren't always peachy keen. There are times where differences will create conflict - Jennie and I know. There was a time about four or five years ago that really tested our friendship (that situation stays between the two of us; so don't ask me what it was). It proved to strengthen it instead of weaken it. So, really, it's how you get past those conflicts that makes your friendship - or breaks it.

Second, there are important things in life and urgent things in life. Don't get them mixed up. The urgent things are our daily tasks: go to work (on time), take out the trash, get gas in the car, mail out that bill before it's too late, etc. The important things in life are those things that make a difference: communicating with our families and friends frequently (making sure that they know they are important to you - I'll be the first to admit that I'm not so great at this but I am determined to get better), serving others at every opportunity and continually growing to be a better person tomorrow than you are today. I am just like everyone else: I put the urgent things before the important things, always. It gets worse every year. This year was one of the hardest for me. Trying to put some of the important things first meant giving up the urgent things; that proved to be too hard at times so I failed. The urgent things won and the important things got pushed aside. We don't know how long we're going to be living on this earth so every day is important. But it's also important to know that there is another day to wake up to; some things you just have to let go and let God take control. He's the only one who knows the number of our days and He's the only one we can truly trust our days with.

Third, take risks. Don't sit on the sideline. Get out and play (and I don't mean just sports). I mean love with abandon, forget your fears and enjoy your life! Don't let the bah-humbugs of the world keep you down. Smile and laugh when they frown and do something that is so unlike you that it baffles them but doesn't define you. One thing that I have realized about myself is that I am a risk-taker. Believe it or not, I take risks everyday. I fought for my dream of being a dancer and guess what? I may not have succeeded the way I wanted but I'm still dancing; and loving every minute of it. I may not have published any of my writing yet but I've gone through the steps toward that goal. Now, all I have to do is take that last step and start submitting some of my stories. Whether I succeed or fail isn't important; it's that I took the risk. How are you going to know if you're good at something if you don't actually try? Lastly, take the risk to love someone: an enemy (which, of course, none of us have, right?), a friend, a family member that needs you but won't admit it or a person you're crushing on. In our world today, we don't "touch" each other enough. Guys are afraid to ask out girls and girls are afraid to say yes to some of the guys that do ask. We live in a culture immersed in divorce, one-night stands and quickie marraiges. But don't sit out of the whole dance. Do a little waltz; if your partner steps on your feet, change partners. Maybe try a swing this time. Find the one that you dance the best with, not the one that everyone thinks you dance the best with. You may have to go through some pretty bad dancers before you find Mr. or Mrs. Right. But if you don't have anything in common with the partner and have no interest, don't give them false hope by continually saying yes just because you want to dance. Respect yourself and them by being real and genuine. You'll both be better for it. And let go of relationships that are going nowhere. If it isn't happening or "growing," then it isn't what God wants for you, period. Take a risk and walk away. If it's meant to be, God will bring it back to you. If not, then you know He has something so much better for you. And that should excite you more about your future.

Fourth, well, it's kinda like number 3 in some ways and number 1 in other ways - feel. Really feel. Don't let the things going on around you get you down so much that you have a "Such is life" attitude. I'm such an example of this sometimes. The old saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade," I found really works. When things get bad, do something to make them better. Don't sit and sulk. Of course, there will be times when we need help. Reach out to someone you trust. Invite them over to help you make that lemonade. Sometimes we forget an important ingredient in lemonade: the sugar, pure real sugar. To me, the sugars are the people in our life that makes us who we are. God didn't make us to be alone: otherwise none of us would be here. There would be only one person and one name: Adam. I have known more than one Adam in my young life so far...and Jennifer's and Rebecca's and Doug's and Patty's and Mike's and Stacy's and Amy's and Susan's and Alis...oops, sorry, I've only known one Alisa. :-) And I like the fact that I've know more than one of all of your names. Each have had something spectacular about them that I felt really special to get to know. Take inventory of your friends and family; find the good in them. Forgive the bad but help them to fix it, too. You wouldn't be a good friend if you didn't care enough to do that.

One side note to number 4: call each other. Talk. In person, on the phone, doesn't matter. We don't call each other back right away. We are too tired or it's too late. So leave a message. We have gotten into the habit of taking talking to one another for granted. I'll be the first to admit that I don't call enough. But I've also learned that some don't call me right back anyway. I will no longer care about that. I may call you more than once in a day (and vice versa): return the call. Don't wait two or three days unless you really can't help it. Being respectful of each other means communicating even when you don't want to; it's another way the urgent things have replaced the important things.

Fifth, and last, celebrate your birthday! Okay, so I'm never going to give up trying to convince everyone I know that their birthday is a very special day. I know that this part of me will never change (even though I've finally given over that my subconscious is a little worried about turning 30). I'll always love to celebrate my birthday and yours - if you let me. Remember that it's the one day every year that you deserve to do something that makes you happy. I realize that sometimes I go overboard on mine but this year I put the planning of it in a friends hands. The only thing you'll be hearing from me is how long you have to prepare (77 days...or did I already mention that?). :-)

Like I said at the beginning of this: I don't pretend to be brilliant or to have advice that we haven't heard before. But this is me we're talking about. I'm a slow learner in everything: school, work, relationships - especially relationships. I just had to get these things out of my mind and written down somewhere and it just fit that I'd do it in a way that you all could read at once and in a central place.

I pray that no matter what happens between you and I, 2006 will be a year of blessings for all - no matter what those blessings entail. It's all good because it's all about God and His will for us. We just have to enjoy the ride. :-)