Post 161: This Week in Ninerville

The Good News

San Francisco is scoring now. In fact, we have the 5th best offense OVERALL in the NFL. Alex Smith is the 10th best QB in the league right now. Impressive for a 2nd year rookie - maybe not as impressive as Roethlisberger's rookie year but Smith is arguably developing at a better rate than Big Ben. Too quick to success could mean a short career.

Frank Gore is impressing everyone. He has a long way to go still when it comes to RB dominance, however, he stands now tied for 7th place in the league. He is only averaging 88.6 yards a game; that's good but not good enough for a team wanting to return to the play offs. He needs to be a 100 yd/game RB. He can get there but he has to be patient, smart and determined.

Antonio Bryant is a good WR - but his attitude reminds me of TO. I'm praying to the good Lord that he does not become TO reincarnate.

Vernon Davis is so promising but I'm a little sick to my stomach that he's already hurt. His desire to play and do everything he can to get us to the playoffs again is appreciated and honorable. However, it doesn't help that he has a fractured fibula. We need him healthy if we're going to compete this year. Still, his productivity is a good sign to the Niners offensive future. Just get well soon, big guy.

The Bad News

We're 1-2. This is in large part because of our defense. It's 25th OVERALL in the NFL. We aren't ranked in Defensive Leaders but we do have 8.5 sacks between 4 lineman. However, it doesn't bode well that we give up, on average, 349 yds/game and 28 points/game. Not good at all - there is no explaining away that.

We have some good, solid players (Bryant Young, most notable) but we give up 117 rushing yards/game and 232 passing yds/game - that isn't good. Do we have a secondary at all? Hmmm...I tend to think that we don't.

It isn't the defenses fault completely, though. We make other mistakes - like fumbling too much and penalties that are really elementary.

Conclusion

Our defense needs to improve. Our offense needs to keep getting better. Overall, this Faithful Fan, is encouraged. We have the right coaches, staff and are picking the right players to get us back to the NFL elite. But like a spoiled child, I just wish it would get here quicker. :-)

Post 160: Deep Thoughts

Do you remember this little skit on SNL years ago? I was reminded of it from a TV show the other night. It was my favorite part of the show for a time. Anyway, the remembrance got me to thinking. How often do we just sit, be still and let our minds wander? I feel like my mind works more like a pinball than a well-oiled machine. I made a comment last night to a friend of mine that I wish sometimes that someone would switch places with my mind so people can really know what I deal with daily. By this morning, though, I realized that God gave me this brain because he designed it FOR ME. I shouldn't be complaining and I should see the blessing that it is (though, it's hard to let go of the fact that it also feels like a curse at times, leading me down directions I DO NOT want to go).

I think that it's important for everyone that EVERY DAY we find the good in ourselves and others instead of insisting on seeing only the bad. Good in this world can only happen if we're seeing past the bad things and getting to the good things. Finding the good in an enemy will change them. It happens. It's fact. But we're too scared to even try. Yes, there are times that God leads us away from our enemies. But, there are definitely other times where God leads our enemies TO us so that He can use us to help them. I have a friend right now that is in the middle of one of these situations. Right now, my friend is trying to discern if God is leading her away from them or if he's leading her to them. It's hard to discern this type of situation but with a lot of prayer from friends, and prayer for herself, she will see the path God has for her in this situation soon.

Of course, going back to the deep thoughts idea, this is advice that we all need to take. It's so hard to just sit and be still in this world but we all need it - even me and my pinball machine mind. I have a friend who gets to go on a retreat this weekend - one that I've been to and wish I can do again (but you can only do it once). I'm so happy for her to be able to experience it and to be "cut off" from this world for a few days. I know she'll be so happy that she did it.

However, I have really been given a gift in that another friend of mine is going away for the week and I'm apartment and cat-sitting for her. It will be nice to have a place to myself for a few days; somewhere that I'm not used to and will be a semi-retreat. I'm actually excited for it even though it's still in town. I think it is just what the doctor ordered. :-)

Post 159: The Good in People

If you have a moment, go to this site and read the article.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=wojciechowski_gene&id=2586435

No matter where you are in life, this kid is doing something that anyone would be proud of. It's inspiring; and it's inspiring to see who all is helping him out. It gives you a sense of pride and people aren't so bad - sometimes.

In fact, earlier today I received our daily quote. I wanted to send it to all my friends but am trying to cut down on my e-mails - especially since I had to change my e-mail address due to excessive spamming. Here is what it says:

"Every person who enters your life is for a reason. Those whose lives you have touched and who have touched yours are always a part of who you are. It is the content of the encounter that is more important than its form." ~ Unknown author

How true is this? It is so true! Even those who have entered our life for short periods (whether it be because of moving, job changes or even termination of the friendship) help to make us who we are. We learn from everyone around us. We may not learn or follow what they do or who they are but we learn about others - outside of ourselves. We can learn how to be better people because of thier example; or who we shouldn't be because of thier example; or how we have to treat others differently. We are all different and getting to know those who differ from us is the only way we can truly touch people in a way that is good for all involved.

I've recently learned this experience with friends, family members and co-workers. Yes, God has been awful busy in my life. :-) But it's been all good. Right now, seriously, I can easily allow myself to have a mid-life crisis even though I'm not technically at my mid-life age. There are so many pressures put upon me financially, emotionally, spiritually and mentally that I could so easily just start acting crazy. But I don't - and you know why? Because I can see, at least a little, beyond myself and my problems. I can take the young man's situation from the article above and use it to help me see that my problems aren't so bad and that, in reality, I put myself in this position and it is up to me to get out of it. He did not put himself here; he is here because of extenuating circumstances - but he is really doing everything he can to make his life better for his little brother (and for himself). It is such a good lesson for anyone to learn.

And, though none of this is new - this lesson - I need a reminder every once in awhile on how things could be and how I have the power to change it. God has given me the power put one foot in front of the other. All I have to make sure is that I'm going the right way. And all I have to do is ask Him which way to take.

How simple is that? :-)

Post 158: What a difference a day makes 2!

So, I just received our "daily thought" at work. Funny how it came today - after my last post. :-)

What a difference a day can make. In just one day you can go from being filled with despair to being filled with excitement about your positive possibilities. In just one day, you can set yourself solidly on a course toward the achievement of your most treasured desires.
One day is plenty of time to make a major difference in your life and in the lives of those around you. One day, filled with positive thoughts and decisive, effective actions can have an impact that reaches far into the future.

And when that one day is over, there is another one, filled with just as many opportunities, right behind it. When you live one day to the fullest, it's amazing what a difference you can make. When you string together day after day after day of positive, effective thoughts and actions, the result is nothing short of miraculous.

What a difference a day can make. Imagine what a whole lifetime of them can accomplish!

~Copyright Ralph S. Marston, Jr. Used by permission.

You know, I've come to many conclusions in the last two weeks. But mainly, I've been convicted of many things personally. I know who I was, who I am, who I want to be and who I am becoming. I know that I know things and that I need to have more confidence in what I know.

I have never felt comfortable being miserable or self-deprecating or negative. I am one of those people who likes to serve people in their homes (not letting any of my guests touch a dish or help clean up) - but I haven't done so recently. I have never been a person to not ask to help when I'm over someone else's house (which I haven't done much lately). I have always tried to appreciate things but haven't done much of that lately either. And I've talked and learned things about people that I should never have. It's not wrong to know things but it is to know things that that person never told you personally. It starts the gossip ball rolling; and I hate that I've been the instigator of that lately. I know someone that has really convicted me of that by thier actions. They don't want to know. The fact that someone needs prayer is all they need to know. They don't want to know the specifics because that person has not confided in them - and that is what perpetuates gossip. And this is fact; it does. And I've always known that but I've forgotten it for awhile. While I'm not necessarily regretting getting to know certain things about the people I know, it's a whole other thing to tell other people when I know it will lead to other people thinking so badly of that person - instead of praying for them. And that has happened with one particular person I know. It's harder for me to pray for someone that I see has deceived me by saying one thing but living a totally different way. However, I'm not supposed to have that attitude. I'm supposed to pray for them even harder and lift them up. But, instead, I find myself wanting to protect other people from them. I should be sending people to them to encourage them and lift them up more in prayer so they find a better way of life. I was not doing that. But now, after seeing this person briefly in church yesterday, I am convicted to pray for them harder and to see them as God sees them: a beautiful child of God who needs just as much prayer as I do. I am so not perfect and so not ever going to be. I'm no better than them; no matter what they do outside of church. I'm just as wretched. And who's to say that they aren't better than me?! Maybe there are issues that I have that are worse than theirs. Have I ever really thought of it that way before? I think that I have a little bit but not really all the ways that I need to.

Today, at least, my eyes are opened to a lot of things: possibilities, people and positivity. What I need to remember is that God did not create me to be negative. He created me, specifically, in a way that people think something is wrong if I'm not smiling. That's the attitude that I've always had but I just never have realized it. People have always seen me as a very positive person.

Though today is a very hard day for this country (and those countries that were also effected; the twin towers were an "international" institution), the world is still turning. No matter what side you take there are two really good things about what happened: a very evil man is out of power and going to pay for his crimes; and we, as Americans, finally realize that there is more to the world than the USA - that these terrorists are real, unpredictable and something that even we have to deal with. Our eyes are opened - and I'm proud be called an American because we have not backed down from the challenge. It is not in us to do so. Our ancestors would be turning over in their graves if we gave up. Though I hate war and that we have lost so many men and women (I know a lot of people personally who are affected; friends whose husbands or wives are now serving), I know that they feel pride for defending our freedoms - even if they don't agree with this war. And that's so eye-opening.

And I need to remember that and support them; not complain or spit upon thier service because they are doing what I am too cowardly to do - give my life for my country and, more importantly, the people of my country. That is true sacrifice and I am humbled by it.

So I need to live my life everyday as best as I can because somebody is fighting for me to sit here, write this, work and enjoy life without the threat of dying from enemy fire, bombs or a war in my backyard. They are keeping it away from me. I can never forget that because I don't deserve it.

God bless them and bring them home safely - if at all possible.

Post 157: What a difference a day makes

Seriously, I feel much better today. I'm not super excited that I'm short 6 hours this week but it just makes me more determined to find a better paying job.

I had a very good Bible study last night. A lot of things were put into perspective in my personal time before our study but it helped to talk things through; not about specifics of what has happened but about what I am learning. I am out of denial that I do certain things that I thought I'd stopped doing. I haven't actually; it's just not as much as before and that is what threw me off. I see that I tend to mold myself to the peole I'm with; I actually still do that. I thought that I was being myself but looking back on my behavior, I hate what I see. I really and truly hate it and I feel ashamed for acting that way. I can't change it or fix it - but I can make sure I don't do it in the future. I can work on making my behavior better and something that Christ would be lifted up by.

As a Christian, I am an example of Christ. But I believe that I'm a really bad one at the moment. I know I'm not completely horrible but I have a lot to work on. I want to be a better example of Christ than I have been - and that is going to mean making some very difficult decisions and getting rid of some things that have become an integral part of my life. I need to remove the temptations and practice better self-control. I lack self-control so much; I can really see that now.

I have a friend who is going on the Walk to Emmaus in two weeks. As I've reflected more on my experiences there, I see that I have allowed myself to forget some of the things that it taught me and have lost a bit of myself. I hate that this has happened. I hate that I can see that it ACTUALLY has happened. Though I know we all fall and take backwards steps sometimes, it's hard when you fully realize that you have. And I have - there's no doubt about that.

Am I a better person than before my walk? Yes - I am. But I was a much better person two years ago than I am now. I've lost a little. However, I don't regret anything that has happened. That's the kicker. I can actually see the joy in the trials. This current trial included. I don't like who I am right now but that only encourages me to change it.

This weekend will have a lot to do with me taking the first step. In fact, I start in about 8 minutes - when I'm off work for the rest of the week. Pray for me. :-)

Post 156: Growing Up

I had a great chat with my mom last night. Something has been bothering me and I just needed to talk about it. So I did. I sought out her advice even if it meant finding something out about myself that may be hard to accept - which is usually what happens when you're growing up. You start to understand yourself - who you are - and you try fix the things that aren't so good and enhance those that are because, let's face it, we can always be better.

But my mom surprised me. Normally, she always sees the other person's side of things. This time she made mention of it but basically reprimanded me for always asking what is wrong with me. She doesn't understand why I always blame myself for things that I have no control over - like other people's problems and reactions. And then she was supportive of where I am right now. She actually asked me what I really wanted. I told her that I wasn't exactly sure but that this time around I was fighting for something that I'd really like. I told her that right now my number one priority is finding a job that I can pay my bills and pursue my writing. Even if I never publish anything, I can't just sit around and do nothing about it because I "think" nothing will happen. So though I can't make it first in my life, I can still do things in my off time. She seemed to really understand that. Then we talked about other stuff. But it was uplifting for me to have that conversation.

I have been beating myself up about something that I shouldn't be. I have to let it go and move on. And that's what I'm doing as of this moment. I don't know what's going to happen with this situation in the future but I can't let it control my life. And I can't let it affect my newfound self-confidence. I've worked hard to get here and I don't want to go back to being a doormat. I've learned that there are times you turn the other cheek and times you have to take a stand. This is the time for both: turn the other cheek but keep pressing on. Don't let the slap make you cower. Learn from it and take the next step. Otherwise, I'd get nowhere ever - and that is what used to be me. But now, I learn but I take the next step. I'm not letting anyone alter my path unless God has put them there to alter it.

Post 155: What I WANT to say

Stop right now and remember. Recall your most deeply held desires. Think of your richest blessings. Focus on your most profound joys. What can you do right this moment to build upon and strengthen the very things which give your life meaning?

Have your dreams become buried under the aimless details of everyday life? Is your attention too often dominated by trivial things to the point where there's no time or energy remaining for that which truly matters?

There is a beautiful and powerful meaning to your life under all the noise. Of course you know that. It pays to remember often. When the details and complexities seem overwhelming, keep in mind that there is much, much more to life.

Give time, thought, value and expression to those things which are truly important to you, and those things in turn will bring a depth of richness to your life.

~ Copyright Ralph S. Marston, Jr. Used by permission.

With everything that has happened in my life for the past 48 hours, this quote just rings so true to me. I tried to help a friend but it backfired on me. But what I was trying to say to this person I still stand by. Ralph S. Marston just said it better.

I just thought I should share it with you, in case you find yourself in the same position as I am sometimes. Life can get so busy and so many things keep flying at us that 1) we don't know what to do about it, 2) when we figure out what to do, we don't know what to do first, 3) we can't see how we are acting to other people and 4) we are overstressing in ways that we shouldn't and become destructive to ourselves and everyone around us.

I hope that your situation doesn't end up like mine (with a friendship that is uncertian now) but I have learned from the fall out. I can take those lessons and apply them to my future relationships and to this one in particular. I know what to do (or rather what not to do) the next time this happens. It'll take a while to figure out if there will be a next time in this relationship but sometimes that's what we all need: a little time.

Post 154: Not much to say

I know that may seem so out of character for me but it's true right now. I don't want to be asked, give or be given any more advice; I don't want to talk anymore about my job situation; I don't want to talk anymore about why I'm not married, not dating anyone, never had a boyfriend or even been kissed; I don't want to talk about anything right now. I just want to BE. That's it. I want to relax, be at peace, enjoy the people around me, enjoy my current job, enjoy my surroundings, watch a movie or two, watch football with a few friends and just enjoy life. I want to help people, too.

I'm so tired of everything that I don't want to do anything. Well, I do have this overwhelming desire to finish cleaning our house and my parents car. They so deserve to come home from vacation with a sparkling house and a clean car - especially after the fiasco at the airport. How does a woman with a baby get on the plane with baby formula but my dad who has to take the same type of formula through his feeding tube because of cancer almost get arrested? It doesn't make any sense. It's much easier for a terrorist to be disguised as a mother with a baby than a man who has cancer. He has a tube coming out of his stomach for crying out loud! Give me a freakin' break! He can't eat through his mouth! She can still breastfeed her baby! I am not against allowing mom's to take formula on the plane but when you have a cancer patient who can't eat through his mouth because he has no saliva glands and limited use of his esophagus, they should be allowed the same leniency. I better stop now because this whole thing is making me upset again.

Anyway, I think that I need to have a "quiet" weekend, too. Most of my friends are gone and the one that I thought I'd be able to hang out with has decided to spend it by herself. I have two guys and one other women-friend that are in town but it's unlikely the four of us will hang out much. The guys aren't that into hanging out with me by themself and my other friend doesn't really like to watch football. So this is going to end up being a Miss-Tiffany-is-on-her-own weekend. And maybe that's exactly what I need right now. I mean, I don't want to discuss anything remotely about my life and every time I try not to when I'm with friends, it always ends up about me. I'm wondering if I do that or if people just find that my life is more exciting and unpredictable compared to theirs. I don't know. I'd rather talk about other peoples lives right now than mine but I'm left with three friends who are pretty reserved. I've been friends with the one guy (even had a crush on him for awhile) for over three years and I still don't know why he's almost 40 and not married, etc.

Maybe I'll just go to Edinburgh and do a little shopping. :-) I did get paid today and they allow little dogs in the stores. Buster may not like it so much but he can deal. Everybody loves him there so he'll be okay. I need pants and shoes for fall. And they are a definite need: I have no slacks or closed-toed shoes for interviews or winter, etc. Plus, they are having major sales at all the stores that I like to frequent when there so it's the perfect opportunity.

I thought about asking my friend to go with me but I decided that it would be too tempting for her on her "quiet" weekend. I'd really love her company but I don't want to interrupt a time that she may desperately need. I just hope that she doesn't get mad at me for not telling her that I'm going Saturday. But if I sent her an e-mail about it and she really does need this time, then I'd feel worse for tempting her away from it.

I have to make sure I'm being unselfish in everything that I'm doing right now. I have so many uncertainties in my life that are important they become certainties soon but I can't be so self-involved that I don't see what everyone else around me is going through. On the other hand, I have to be careful that I don't cut myself off from everyone. I feel that I've done that with a few friends (one that has been my closest since I've moved here). I know that these friends have good jobs but stressful onew and deals with other issue on a daily basis - but because my situation has been so stressful, I haven't been able to be there for them and they have found solace in other friends who may be able to help them more than I can right now. However, I don't have to completely cut myself off from them and should interact with them as I used to. I shouldn't be the one to change the relationship just because I feel I'm not as important to them anymore. It may not be that; it could be something else entirely. It's just hard when close friendships change from you calling each other all the time to barely talking once a week - and knowing that a new friend is more in tune with your friend than you are anymore is hard, too. It's the natural state of friendships and relationships - they change every once in the while. And though it may seem to you to be in a bad way, it may be for the good. I've learned to not be so clingly with my friends.

It is a struggle for me since I'm such a social being. I'm so wired to be close to any friend I have that it's hard to sever or weaken any kind of ties. But my current relationships and position in life have forced me to take a different attitude and see from a different perspective. I started thinking, "If I was married and had kids, just how often would I see my friends?" I surmised that it wouldn't be close to as much as I do now. If that is something that God has for me one day (marraige, a family), then I have to learn to not be so clingly to my friends sooner or later. My most important relationship will be with my husband. I'll still have to have close friendships but to make a marraige work for eternity, the number one person in my life needs to be my husband; and in his life, I need to be his number one person. Maybe I'm learning just a glimmer of what is to come in my relationships. Or maybe I'm just bored and want something fun to do this weekend; somethng that has nothing to do with sending out resumes, looking for jobs or even pursuing a writing career. But, then agian, it comes on a weekend when everyone is away.

Maybe this really is Miss-Tiffany-is-on-her-own weekend. :-) I do have a party planned for Monday but I have no clue who is going to show up since basically no one responded. Though I hope some will, I'm going to be a bigger person and not be frantic and call everyone who didn't respond. I'm going to let God bring those who are supposed to come; and if that means nobody comes then I'll deal with it and not let it depress me.

Good luck with that! :-)

Post 153: All is now right in the world...

...well, in my world anyway. Jerry Rice will go into the Hall of Fame as a San Francisco 49ers. Not a Raider; not a Seahawk; not a Bronco. He is back where he belongs. And though that may just seem so trivial to most of you, it is a big thing in the life of a 49er faithful. He brought so much grace, poise, leadership, prestige and class to a sport that lacks a lot of good role models. He was the epitome of a role model in sports: a hard-worker, encourager and determined individual. I am so happy that he will go into the NFL Hall of Fame where he started his storied career: San Francisco.

It's a little miracle in what is a very tough time for us Niner fans - but one we'll take, gladly. :-)

Post 153: Taking a Break

There are some things in life that you can take a break and it be a positive thing; but finding a job, whether it's full or part-time, isn't one of them. And though things may not be going well so you are getting frustrated, you can't stop. You have to push through it and keep sending out those resumes, no matter how depressed or mad you are becoming.

The advice that everyone gives you, too, doesn't always help. It's not that they aren't giving it out of love - they are - but all it does sometimes is confuse you. It's hard to pick out which one of all the advice you've been given is the right one for your situation. Case in point: I'm at an impasse right now. I've been giving finding both a part-time and full-time job the same attention. I've gotten a few interviews for the full-times and have been in the top two or three but I haven't been the one selected. It's great to be in the top three considered but it keeps happening. I know that I should think of it as I'm not meant to be in those positions but it's hard to have confidence when you're basically always coming in second. For the part-time jobs, none of them are working with my current work schedule; and I can't quit the one I have now to take one of the other ones because I'd need two jobs still - but the hours are the same so that won't work either. Hmmm....frustrated? Yeah, that's just the tip of the ice berg.

Taking a break...well...it's just not possible in situations like this. I can't do much more to cut down on my bills; I'm pretty much at the minimum I can have right now. I just have to have patience and believe that something good is going to happen even when all I see is negatives all around me.

The good part of all this? I've changed the hand my ring is on. I moved it from my right to my left. It is an aquamarine ring that could be mistaken for a diamond from a short distance. It is reminding me that the most important person in my life right now and always in Christ. Before you have any advice on that it may be wrong for me to do this, I want to inform you of the fact that I only wear my ring on my left hand when I'm home. My friends and family, well, they'd give me too much grief about it's sending the wrong message and I really don't want to hear it right now. But when I'm home, I switch it over. It is a constant reminder that Christ is the one that has to lead me into my future and in every moment of my day.

In addition, I'm currently reading a book given to me from a friend that really puts things in perspective. I don't have a lot of things I desire (or that God desires for me) but I know I'm on the right path. There are days I want to give up; just throw in the towel and let life suck everything out of me. Then there are days that I really don't care one way or another. Still other days are like today: though I still don't have a clue and am frustated about how things are going, I know that there is that perverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to keep my eyes open, my feet walking straight forward and my breath calm. There will come a day that I will start to see things change for the better; I have to realize that it may take awhile.

In fact, it is going to take me at the least three years to get completely out of debt. So it is definitely going to take awhile for things to change for the better. Though it would be great if it could all happen tomorrow, that is so unrealistic - almost impossible since I don't play the lottery anymore. It's also not like some person is going to meet me and then say, "Hey, I want to give you this money. Don't want it; don't need it. Here you go." So not going to happen. :-) Anyway, I have time to pursue some goals while I'm pursuing the goal of getting out of debt - so I have to keep that my focus, my motivation that things will get better if I just keep working hard adn stay dedicated.

So simple, huh? And yet it's so difficult. But the difficulty is what makes the things that are the most worthwhile...well...the most worthwhile. :-)

Post 151: It's baaack....

FOOTBALL SEASON!

I am so, so excited! I love football! I love basketball and baseball, too, but not even close to what I feel to football. I'd love to work for a football team one day; even in an office setting. I just love it.

Plus, my team won thier first game. Ok, ok, so it was their first PRE-season game but to me, right now, it counts. I'm a die-hard, faithful, uncompromising 49er fan. Yes, I am the real deal. Make no mistake, I know how bad we are right now. I'm not an idiot. But I am excited that we are getting better...and we ARE getting better. We still need a defense but we have improved our offense. I'm hoping and praying for an 8-8 year. My ideal would be a 13-3 record and a playoff berth but I know that isn't realistic. However, I'm also sort of an optimist so I wouldn't be too surprised if it happened. Stranger things have happened (like Chicago having the best D last year; where did that come from?). Anyway, I'm really excited for football.

The problem is that I can't see them play very often. It so sucks. I now live in the Midwest and though I like the Colts, they have not and will never replace my 49ers. I'm too attached; the Niners and me go way back. Back to when I was 4 years old and sat on my dad's lap. I told him that "the red and yellow team I like is going to win the bowl thing." That was the Fall of 1980; three months later, they did win: thier first Super Bowl. So, you can see that my little prediction of the future solidified me as a 49er fan for life - and 5 Super Bowls later, I still am. Even though we've had some pretty dreadful past few seasons, I know we'll be back. Every team has their day and will come back to the bright side - or, in this case, the Golden side. :-)

I'd like to add a few things to my resolve list: to find an apartment/condo/house/townhouse in the next year that accepts dogs (I want my own) and to be able to afford NFL Sunday Ticket. That's the only way I can see my boys play; and it's about time I get the chance again. I so miss sitting home at Sundays after church and watching them play. It was so much fun, even on the bad days. Of course, there weren't many of those back then. Still, I loved it. I know I still do. I'll watch the Colts and route for them but it's just not the same. They aren't my team. I've tried to like them close to the 49ers but even the last two 4-12 seasons the Niner had couldn't change my mind. Red and gold truly does run through my veins. I'm a Niner fan through and through.

What's really exciting, though, is that I do have the opportunity to see them play in person: in Chicago on October 29. It just happens that one of my friends birthdays in that weekend and well, she wants to go to Chicago to celebrate it. Plus, she's all for going to the game so now we're trying to get tickets. I'm so excited taht I want October to be here already. I can't wait to go!

Anyway, football is back and that just makes everyday go by a bit quicker than usual. That may be a funny thing for a woman to say but it tells you just how unique I am. Go Niners!

Post 150: My past medical history

So, I don't know if I've ever said anything about this but I had a seizure disorder as a child. It ended as abruptly as it started. It lasted for 9 years. I don't have epilepsy but I am allergic to one of the main medications that treats seizures. The reason why I'm talking about this now is that I just got into a conversation with a coworker about it. It started by her asking if I was tired and I said yes that I'd had a nightmare. From there I explained that I became more prone to nightmares after my seizures ended. I've struggled with having such a sensitive mind since then. It isn't as bad as it was when I was younger and it does have a direct connection to my writing skills but it is a daily problem. I know that maybe I should go to counseling about it but I've lived with it for this long; and I can control it somewhat. In fact, last night's nightmare had to do with me not wearing my medic alert currently. I haven't for the last week and I think someone's trying to tell me to put it back on. In my nightmare, I have a very bad seizure in front of friends at a party this weekend and am not wearing my medic alert bracelet. Luckily, I've been pretty vocal about my allergies so my friends know in my dream to tell the paramedics what I'm allergic to so they give me the right medication.

Anyway, after hearing my history, she was amazed on how I just picked up my bootstraps and just went on with my life. She sees me as just a well-adjusted person that she never would of thought I had anything like that happen to me. It was a little different to get that reaction. I've never gotten that type of reaction before from anyone. I guess there are people in this world that can't get over their problems. I did and I can see that that is a very good disposition/personality/outlook to have. I guess I just never thought of it that way. I grew with people saying, "Get over it. Don't be a wuss," that I never realized that there are people in this world that don't have the support or the inner strength to do that. It's a special thing to have.

And I see that I have that with this job thing. Yes, I do think my stress over this job thing is coming out in my nightmares (I've had several over the last week) but I know that I will find something soon. I have finally been seeing some progress and getting some positive feedback in this job search. But something my coworker said to me really struck me: It's important to take care of yourself when you absolutely need to but don't stop looking for the thing that makes you happy. Any old job is for some people and not for others. When you have an opportunity to pursue what you really want (and it will support you sufficiently), do it because you don't want to have any regrets.

See, and that's exactly what I think. I'm in a position now that I need a full-time job with benefits; but I can't let that stop me from doing what I truly love. I have to continue that even as I start my new job - whatever that may be - because there will be a time that I will be able to pursue it fully and I need to be ready to do that.

I needed the encouragement today; that nightmare really took something out of me.

I guess I need to get that medic alert back on and keep writing. And, hopefully soon I'll have that full-time job. I just have to be patient, responsible and disciplined. :-)

Post 149: Pressing On, Part 2

I think I titled another post "Pressing On" but since I'm too lazy to look it up, I decided to just be safe and add the Part 2. Not that you care really but I always cover my bases - well, most of the time. :-)

I didn't get that job but I'm so at peace with it. And what's more is that she actually called me at home to explain why I didn't get it. I was one of the top two but the other gal already worked in the company so it would be a quicker transition. However, I went ahead and e-mailed her back and thanked her for both messages. She then e-mails me back again and lets me know about another job opening up in the same department that I would be great for and that she's already told them to look for my application. Who knows if this other job is meant for me but I made a good contact and know that this company is a great one to work for, if I can get work there.

I feel much, much better today because of all this. I have a confidence that I've never had before; I know that I've said that recently but it still surprises me. I have always lived in insecurity and masked it with my outgoing personality. Though I know I will still struggle with it at times, I know that it will get easier and easier to be confident at times that the world is trying to beat me down, into submission. Satan won't win the battle next time; and he's already lost the war so my strength will continue to grow from here on out.

God is so good. Even when I have times like this that I see myself as a failure in comparison to the people around me (my friends, family, coworkers), I have the ability to get past it quicker. I may not have certain things and may have some issues that still need serious work but I'm not in denial anymore and I believe I can get out of it.

Last night at probably my last small group, I opened up about my denial. It was in reference to a friend saying that we should throw a party for me sicne I'd be leaving the group. I shouted out, "No. Don't do that!" Then explained that Tiffany finally realizes that I am a bit high maintenance in some ways and that I can be somewhat of a princess. I said, "I'm finally out of denial about that and throwing me a party, while I'll admit that I'd be all for it, it probably isn't a good idea because Tiffany needs to finally realize that the world doesn't revolve around what she likes or dislikes." Okay, so I've kind of taken to talking about myself in 3rd person; I need to work on that. Still, I know that I can be certain ways and I'm not trying to rationalize it anymore. On the other hand, some of it is okay to keep because it makes me who I am and one of our Bible study leaders has told me in confidence that sometimes the group really needs someone like me to liven it up and put some issues in perspective - a perspective that sometimes I'm the only one that sees.

But the important thing is that my confidence is growing in a way that is good. I believe I can do things now that I didn't before. I believe when people tell me something good about myself that it's true now; that it isn't them trying to be nice or wanting something from me. It's a compliment and I accept it graciously now. And I need to give up the idea that everyone around me is better than me; no one is better than anybody. I have the same gifts as some people that I know but that doesn't mean theirs is better than mine. For example, I have a friend who is a lovely, lovely writer. I've gotten jealous at times of her gift; it's the same one that I have to seems to be so much better. But, you know what? It isn't. She writes in ways that I adore and are so lovely but that doesn't mean that my gift for writing is lesser - it's just different. Like my little poems to my friends wouldn't probably win any major awards but they are touching and understandable. They are personal and none of my friends like or want to write like that; or have anybody else that would write like that for him. In fact, while writing a poem for my friend who just moved into a new apartment (I hope she doesn't read this today; I'm not going to give it to her until Saturday), I came up with an idea for a poem-like series called "The Welcome Home series." Her's is personal to her and her struggle to feel at home and at peace somewhere that college students didn't play cornhole until 2 a.m. in the morning, cussing all the while. I'm working on a second one, too. It's turning out quite funny, if I do say so myself. Maybe one day I'll be able to sell them. In the time that I've written on this blog, I've come up with three more ideas for the series. So, though I think my friends gift is so amazing, it doesn't mean that mine is less so. Even if I never get published, writing will always be a part of me and something that I can share with my friends, family and other loved ones.

I'm pressing on as Paul encouraged in a lot of his writings in the New Testament. I'm pressing on in ways that I never thought possible - and that's exciting. :-)

Post 148: Spur of the Moment

I couldn't have planned last night's activities better. I met a friend of mine after work; she was hungry and I didn't have any plans. So she had dinner while we talked and then we ended up at the mall - she had to pay a bill. So we kind of just spent time together and chatted, walking in and out of stores and commenting on the style nowadays. As we left the mall, she said out loud, "I wish we could go to Edinburgh. I want to go."

I asked, "Do we have time?"

"I think so. We'd be there by 8 p.m."

"So, let's go."

"Yeah!"

So we left the mall at 7:10 and got to Edinburgh at 8 p.m. We hit 7 stores in 1 hour. How's that for precision shopping? We're good. Anyway, we did little damage (neither one of us have much money) but it was fun. I did come home with $10 of my dishes (if I had a better paying job and didn't have to send my car payment, I could have literally bought the rest of what I needed for my dishes because that's how good of a sale they were having). Instead, I settled on 6 ice cream dishes and paid $9.41 for what I would've normally been charged - $30, before taxes. I like spur of the moment stuff.

We had a good talk in our drive - everything from our job situations to our friends and how we have close friends to taking a trip for her birthday in October. She's always wanted to go away for a weekend to celebrate her birthday so we just decided that this is the year it is going to happen. We decided a lot of things: that I WILL find a good job, that she will find a day job in nursing, that we will both be strict with our money and get out of debt, that we will not worry about men unless God basically hits us over the head with one, that we like how we've always been so honest with each other. It was a good, fun evening. Sometimes the things you do spur of the moment are the best times of your life. And that was so last night for me. :-)

Post 147: I made it...

...through the weekend and that's a good sign for me. It wasn't as if I had this jam-packed weekend; it was the other way around. Besides Friday night, I had really nothing to do. I hate that. There were things that people were doing but I couldn't do them (going to see "Lady in the Water" and going to brunch Sunday). I started to feel very left out. I know, I know - maybe I am a little high maintenance. But, seriously, I try hard not to let anyone ever feel left out of all the plans that I make - if for some reason, I can't make everyone happy, I try to do something to rectify it. I just think that I'm starting to see the differences I have with some of my friends - they are big differences. It's not like they are small or unimportant. They are important and that's what's scaring me. I know that people grow and change but I kinda hoped that this wouldn't have happened with certain friendships. This weekend made me feel like I am the odd one out. I don't like the same type of movies, I can't afford to do anything with my girlfriends nd no one calls me anymore (minus my new friend, we talk just about everyday). I kind of feel like everyone is growing away from me; or is it that I'm growing away from them? I'm not sure yet.

I confided in a friend last night that this is the longest I've had super close friends - 6 years. Minus my two friends in CA, I've never had a group of friends last this long - and never in such deep relationships. I told my friend that I think I was experiencing the ups and downs that normally happen in relationships - the close times and the not-so-close times. A good friend of mine and I have not been as close as we have in the past. We used to really depend on each other a lot and did a lot together. Now that we have a larger circle of friends (and two friends in particular), I think we have grown apart quite a bit. It's not that we don't like each other or don't know about each other but we tend to do things with our other friends instead of each other. It's been kind of difficult for me because this other friend of hers is more like her so they do more together. I know that that is a good thing but it's still hard to accept. And though my new friend and I are a lot more alike in some ways, too, it's still hard to let go of that other relationship - or at least loosen my grip. This is all new to me - I know that. I know that I have to learn this stuff and how relationships change and people change and sometimes grow in different ways. Knowing that all this is normal still doesn't make it any easier. But I know that as I grow in this knowledge of relationships that I'll be a better person - wiser, stronger, more adaptable and understanding.

And I am growing a lot right now - yes, I feel like I'm also in a state of perpetual confusion - but I know that it is growth. I am growing in many things: relationships, career choices, biblical and spiritual issues, and, most importantly, accepting myself for who I am. I can't be ashamed of who I am, how I am or who I am becoming. In fact, yesterday in Sunday school class, I answered a question so honestly. We had just finished watching a video message from Rob Bell (he's fantastic - you really must check out his stuff) when our discussion leader asked if there was anything that jumped out at us. I immediately opened my mouth and read back this line, "'The people we are becoming is what matters.' That just woke me up." I explained that all of this material stuff, all the problems I have with money and not having a career and not being able to fix my AC in my car or get my car repainted, I was beginning to learn, wasn't what defined me. And I started to really believe that; really sink my teeth into the belief that my job and the things that I had were supposed to define me. They don't; the person I am defines me.

That doesn't mean that I don't need a job (I really, really do and soon; hopefully one of the two I've interviewed for will be the answer) but it doesn't have to define me. The roof of my car needs to be repainted and my AC fixed but do they really need that? No - as long as my car runs and gets me from point A to point B, that's all that matters. Do I want to have them fixed? Of course! But it isn't realistic right now and in the grand scheme of things, it isn't important. Do I want to be able to re-sell my car in great condition? Yes. But that's something that I can't even think about right now because it's not close to the most important thing going on in my life. However, I was letting it add to my stress and my desire to have an item that was socially appealing: a car that looked nice and people would think of as a status symbol. Who cares? It's a car! And my AC? I roll my windows down. It's nice to breathe fresh air and I rarely do it. So, my AC can wait, too. It isn't necessary at the moment; and by it not working, it isn't affecting other areas of my car. If it does, then it's a definite need to be fixed but right now it's fine. I was letting my car add to my desire to have status amongst my friends and neighbors.

So, no matter what job I have next - marketing assistant, manager of movie theatre, administrative assistant at IU - it doesn't define my person. How I do my job, who I am before and after it and what I do with my free time and extra money, is what defines me. I also said that though some of my friends may want me to shut up about stuff sometimes, that they don't because they know me enough to know that I have to work things out out loud or by writing on this blog or in a journal at home. I mean, sometimes I even annoy myself! (my friend laughed on the phone when I was relaying all this to her; she couldn't make it to church because of her work schedule so I was filling her in). It's true, though. I seriously annoy myself sometimes but I know that I have to have patience with myself if I'm ever going to get closer to getting out of this tunnel.

I'm also learning that my generation is a little closed. Me, being the obviously open person that I am, is finally struggling with that. I can't really be so closed-lipped about some things anymore. Like why do certain friends of mine not talk about relationships between men and women? It's like a forbidden topic. We're all in our 30's/40's or close to it; we shouldn't be afraid to discuss stuff like adults. It's not like we need to tell each other our deep, dark secrets but we should be able to talk about general topics relating to it. Otherwise, how are we to grow to understanding the opposite sex and getting closer to knowing what type of man (or woman, in the guys case) we are really and truly looking for? I mean, we're all friends. It's not like we're dating each other or want to (ok, ok - so there was a time, albeit recently, that I would've gone out with that friend but I've let go of that and found that he probalby wouldn't make me happy; and I know that I'd be too much for him anyway - it doesn't mean that I don't find him attractive anymore - he is and always will be a hottie). But we can't even bring it up; no one wants to participate in that conversation. That's what is holding me back. People won't open up and talk about it. I don't want to be 40 and afraid of intimacy. I have friends who are there and they are 30 or closing in on 40. I'm not going to force the issue but I'm not going to shy away from conversations anymore relating to this "forbidden" topic. I'm sure they won't come up when I'm interacting with certain friends of mine but they definitely will in other relationships/friendships; and this time, I'm going to be part of it instead of an innocent bystander.

Relationships are hard. And if we don't take them seriously or never talk about them, then we won't grow and know how to handle them in the future. I know I have a lot to learn; but I'm finally ready to learn it.

Anyway, by the time I went to bed last night, I started to feel better. Did I still wish that I could've gone to the movie or to brunch? Yes. But I can't control what others like and what I don't. I have to be realistic that there are going to be a lot of times now when I have to stay home because I can't afford to go out or because I can't go to the movie that everyone wants to go to. But I am resolved even more that if I do something or plan something that I don't leave anyone out; and if they really can't come that I try to do something with them later. I guess I'm just too sensitive for an all weekend scary movie session. I think what really made me upset was that I had allocated to go to the movies this weekend but couldn't go because of the movie chosen. But I saw the blessing of spending time with friends Friday night so I got over my little tantrum and let it go. So I learned that I really don't like to be left out - at all - but that sometimes its necessary and I have to get over it. I used that money that I had allocated to go to a movie to buy one that I really wanted so I watched that instead; and now I have something that I'll get more use out and that's a much better investment than going to the movie theatre. :-)

So though I acted a bit childish, I learned from it and moved on. That's huge progress for me. :-)

Post 146: A quote for Tiffany

Do you think that maybe this quote was meant for me?

You say you're ready for the challenge, but in the back of your mind you have serious, nagging doubts. There's a little voice that keeps popping up, reminding you of your self-imposed limitations. You may be able to convince the rest of the world, but if you cannot win over the little voice in the back of your mind, it will stop you cold. The way to assuage that little voice is by sheer will and repetition. Every time it says "no you can't" you must immediately tell it "yes I can!" You allowed that little voice to take hold, and you have the power to change it. In the past, you've told yourself or been told you can't do it so many times that your doubt has taken on a life of its own. Now you must give life to your confidence. Know you can do it. Tell yourself, over and over again, that you can do it. With enough repetition, you'll begin to truly believe it and the doubt will surely fade. Change the cruel, whining voice of doubt to a resounding chorus of confidence. Copyright Ralph S. Marston, Jr. Used by permission.

Huh...this is pretty much me in a nutshell. I can so easily self-depricate myself until I believe, completely, that I can't do it - anything. Not just jobs or writing or dancing or whatever I've done - but even in relationships. Though I know I have the ability to have one, I talk myself out of them. Of course, it helps if the other party is interested, too, but I'm learning that men are the same as us women: insecure. And I'm beginning to see that they are MORE insecure than most of us - especially the older ones. They've had too many bad experiences to take risks anymore. Here is my reslove for this area of my life:

THE NEXT TIME I AM ATTRACTED TO THE RIGHT TYPE OF GUY, I WILL NOT AVOID HIM BUT ACT THE WAY I SHOULD: THAT I AM INTERESTED IN HIM.

Old habits die hard but aren't habits SUPPOSED TO die? I think so.

On another note, I found the perfect suit jacket today for my interviews - and it only cost me $30! Hooray for Target! It not only fits perfectly but it's actually stylish. I can wear it with skirts, slacks and even jeans. I cannot wait to dress up for my interview tomorrow! I'm even more excited about it now that I have the appropriate attire. Boy, I am such a girl - and I like it. :-)

Work is slow again today. I have some filing to do but that's it. My ads are done and the weekend is looking pretty good. I should have all my ads in by Noon tomorrow. I like it when that happens because I'm not leaving any work for the other coordinators. They don't have to finish my job so that makes me feel a lot better. But I do get to go home after I go to the Y instead of spending more time out and about (since I already have what I need: my jacket!). I'm really, really tired still so I'll have some time to relax tonight and get some good rest. :-)

Oh, and though I was a bad girl and missed all three of my deadlines for writing contests on Monday - I found three that are better. One is this weekend. All I have to do is format my first chapter and send it off; that's it. And the poem I was supposed to send in Monday will work better for this other contest (August 10). So, I feel much better about missing the other contests. Now - as long as I can find that chapter, I'll be smooth sailing - at least, for now. :-)

Post 145: Interview with a Webpire

I am getting so, so excited about this interview thing. I have one tomorrow and another one sometime next week (just found out this morning). It's exciting that I'm finally getting interviews; but it's also making me a little nervous.

Here's the thing: both interviews are for positions that require website management. I don't have much experience at all. I can keep up with this blog and have figured most of it out myself but as in formal training, I have none - minus the one class I had to take at IU for my undergraduate program. I'm just a little nervous that here are two jobs that I'm qualified for in every way but one and that one way may mean me not getting the job.

On the other hand, my resume states everything that I am qualified in and they still want to interview me. So there could be something there that they see that is attractive to them enough to still want to bring me in. I just have to be prepared, be honest and let my best qualities shine. Whether or not either job is the right one for me, I need to see it as a positive opportunity in my journey to the right job for me right now.

Whew! I feel a little better now that I have gotten this off my chest. My stomach was starting to tie into knots because of the whole uncertainty that these interviews bring. I also e-mailed some friends to pray for me about it. I want to be prepared for either second interviews or for that rejection letter. :-)

Post 144: A Better Outlook

So, leave it up to beautiful weather to change a persons viewpoint in life. I had a craving - yes, it was Arby's but I hope I didn't have one of those hat things on my head. That would've been embarrassing.

Anyway, I decided that I had to feed that craving so I went to Arby's for lunch. I was going to eat there but it was too crowded so I got my meal to go. Upon my meal being handed to me, I had the wonderful idea to go to the park. I realized that it wasn't so hot outside as it has been; in fact, there was a nice breeze. This was the perfect day to eat lunch outside. So I headed to the closest park and there I ate my lunch (all of it) and read the latest issue of Homes & Lifestyles magazine. All of a sudden, I felt like a totally different person. While I enjoyed the lovely outdoors, I mused that I probably needed to rant and rave a bit about my current situation. And though I have a better, healthier outlook on my future romantic endeavors, I still would like this little crush to go away - or be put to good use. But attempts on my own to squelch it (even with the help of friends) have not been successful. God HAS TO step in to stop it; and if He doesn't soon then I know there is a reason for it. Moving on...

I also seem to be super tired. The last week and a half has really taken a lot out of me - more so than I originally thought. After successfully leading my small group last night (it couldn't have turned out better), I felt pretty winded as I got ready for bed. I was so wound up that it was so hard to release and yet I couldn't stop releasing. Then a friend called and that actually helped me to relax and get out of "me" for a bit. But today I am still tired and actually thinking about passing my daily workout. However, after pasta for lunch and salami for dinner yesterday and Arby's for lunch today, I really, really need the exercise. Maybe the workout will refresh me enough to shop later. Yeah - don't laugh. I know that usually I don't need a reason or energy to go shopping but today I do. In fact, I don't want to go shopping. I want to go home and sleep (and write a poem). But I need to workout and I need to find a suit jacket for my interview Friday. So, well, I guess I need to stock up on the caffeine. :-)

Y'all know that I'm a movie person. Well, I've known that there is going to be a sequel to Batman Begins but I just found out who the villain is going to be played by. I'm not necessarily a huge fan of Heath's but I think he will be more than adequate in the role of the Joker. Really, I think it's good casting as the nemesis of Christian Bale's character. I really can't wait for the new movie but it won't be out until at least 2008 so I'll just have to.

Today is getting better. Of course, work is almost over so that always helps. But I have a better outlook and I needed it. And how cool is it that it only took spending 30 minutes in the outdoors? So nice.

Post 143: All things futuristic

Well, I think I've come up with yet another plan. I have an interview this Friday. I need a job that I can support myself; one that I can use to help me build my future. This interview is with a place in town that would allow me to be and stay a part of this community. I sincerely want that, at least at this point. But I do know that it is entirely possible that I will be moving back to CA sometime in my life (to fulfill my resolution of having a house on the beach, for one) but that it may not necessarily be now. I need time to digest that move anyway. For so long, I wanted to get out of there and now that I have, going back is still not one of my first ten choices - seriously.

Oh, yeah, the plan. Well, once I get a full-time job (and my plan hinges on that fact), I need to take care of my car issues. So, besides paying my parents rent again, I will be getting my air conditioner fixed and my hood and roof repainted. Then, I am planning a vacation for November around Thanksgivingtime. I want to do two things: stay in the new French Lick Resort for a few days and then fly to CA to visit my family for the holidays. This will take a few bucks but I will desperately need some sort of real vacation by then so I will save all my extra money for this. I pretty much have Christmas taken care of (it is going to be cheap and it is going to be homemade - I'm resolving to spend $100 or less on everyone I have to buy for). Then, I will up my payments on my car in order to pay it off quicker. Having no car payments will help me tremendously in either selling my car or trading it in when I have an opportunity to buy a new one. My cc debt is on it's way to being less perplexing so, once my car is paid off I can use that money to add to my debt monthly payment and get it paid off even sooner. I know all this is a little aggressive but I have to make a plan otherwise I'll keep going the way I'm going. I'm 30 years old and God hasn't necessarily given me any sort of hope for anything in life that I desire: career, family - not even a person to date/boyfriend. So I have to do now what I want to do.

And this is what I want: a new car (because it has a warranty), my own condo/small house, a dog (preferrable a black lab or golden retriever) and the ability to go on vacation twice a year by the time I'm 37. That gives me 6 1/2 years to take care of my debt and find a job that is secure - like with the university in town or the like. I'd like a house by the time I'm 40.

It would be great if those plans included a husband and kids but let's face it, there is no sign - not even a small one - of that happening. I may end up like one of my guy friends who is content to be a batchelor - only I'd be a batchlorette but not necessarily as content as he. I wish I could be okay with it at this point but I'm not. However, being able to live on my own will help matters tremendously. I just may never experience what it's like to be loved for who you are except by God. I mean, I can't get anyone to even date me that isn't totally repulsive. And my pattern of being attracted to men that aren't available or interested seems to be pretty much set in stone. They want to be my friends but nothing else. Well, I guess that's something. I do love sports and though I have some girlfriends that like them, it's not to the extent that I do. I can talk more comfortably in this area with men than women so I guess it's nice to know that I have some guys to talk to. But it is just going to take a little while longer to accept the fact that there will never be a guy interested in more.

I try so hard everyday to not care about this issue. But it's so hard because, everyday, I hear the "you should be beating them off with a stick," "but you're attractive and fun," "but you have a good heart and are a great cook," yada, yada, yada. If I am all of those things then why isn't there someone out there that is mutually interested? Is my guy so screwed up that he doesn't see me? Or am I doomed to a life of having the wrong men attracted to me? 'Cause, seriously, I've had it! I have had at least three men this year attracted to me that aren't even close to being acceptable to date - and it's not because I'm looking for the perfect body, perfect spiritual background and perfection in the least. But I'm a small woman who takes care of herself and is constantly working on her inside. I don't want a man who wants to push me around with either his weight or his personality; who is arrogant and overly outspoken. I don't want a man that wants me to support him or isn't willing to meet me halfway. And I definitely don't want a man that drinks a lot and smokes and call himself a Christian but doesn't even try to live that way. Do you see the offers that I get? And I don't want to date a man that wants a good girl but still wants to "have fun." BTW, "have fun" means having a sexual relationship before marraige. Hmmm....so not what I'm looking for in a man. I so just want to SCREAM!

Do you see why I feel that there is no hope for me? 30 years...30 years...30 years...of this. And God still won't take the desire to have a family or even a healthy dating life away from my heart. Why? Can't I just be content like my friend? It would make it so much easier. And if I'm supposed to suffer through these feelings then can't I be content now and not be attracted to this person anymore - a person that is so not attracted back to me? If I can just get rid of that little issue, I'd be doing just dandy right now - even with this job uncertainty.

Please, can this just be over!

Post 142: Past Reminders

How come when we are struggling with making future decisions that we are reminded of our past decisions? Today is a good day: I have my first interview scheduled for Friday. But in the door of my present job walks one of my students from the studio. I taught her some things as a female dancer - body movement, arm extensions, hand placements, etc. She's a dear older Asian lady that I miss from the "old days." But the point of saying all this is that I still wonder if dancing is completely out of my life for good or if it's somehow going to creep back in. I've danced in my apartment a few nights this past week and actually have a lyrical routine almost finished for one of the songs I'm playing at Bible study tonight. I'm not performing it (it's not ready yet) but a lot of it just came to me (and I have no lyrical training; just ballroom). I'm trying not to think about it but I have been reminded of my past "career" a lot lately. It could be that Satan is trying to hold me back from my future by trying to keep me in the past. But I know that I just need to acknowledge it's there and let life happen. I can't start concerning myself with this issue again when it could all be just coincidence. I love dancing and I miss it but I don't miss the hours at all. I like being home in the evening. I like cooking dinner and working out and having time to myself; and I love that friends can stop by at any time and know that I'll be home. Sometimes they drop by at times that I'm having dinner and they join me. I think that's great - especially since I don't have a boyfriend to cook for or a family. So I'm content with the hours I have; I just need to make more money. I'll hate leaving here when I get a better job because of the people I get to work with are so great. However, I know I'll be more financially stable - and that's my number 1 priority right now.

I have been very blessed to work places that have other believers. I hope that God will continue to bless me in this way. Sometimes, though, He needs us to be in places that we have to stand out instead of blend in; that could be where my next job takes me. I know that He'll be with me though - and I have great friends to support me when I have troubles.

Anyway, wish me luck in my interview. I'll learn more about the job and find out if I would be a good fit. I just want to interview well. I'd love the job but it's one that a lot of people applied to so I have to be realistic that I may not be the best candidate. Still, I want to make a good impression and show them the best of me. I get a little nervous sometimes, though, so I need all the prayer I can get. :-)

Post 141: Space, the final frontier?

No, I'm not a trekkie. I always identified and like Star Wars more. However, this morning I was just floored with the idea that the space station orbiting the Earth is international. It's not called the U.S. space station or the American space station; it's the International Space Station. It is manned by astronauts from different countries. Have you ever thought about the meaning behind that simple fact? I didn't until this morning.

It's really amazing that for something as incredible and exciting as space exploration that we, as a human race, can work together. Though I don't know a whole heck of a lot about the subject (and that's coming from someone who has a grandma that's worked for NASA for over 20 years), it's so amazing to me that the countries of the world can come together for space exploration but not for anything else really. It's so disheartening; and yet, for something as big as discovering space, it's encouraging that we CAN put our differences aside and just explore as humankind. God really has created this amazing planet and solar system and universe(s) that's it's great we can see it together.

I had some friends out to my house July 5th to watch the space station and shuttle pass over Bloomington. It was such a cool sight to see! And the group of people that was there gave me chills. I have struggled so much in my life with wondering when this friend is going to decide that they don't like me any more and just leave me or when that friend is going to go all nutty and bring me down with them. But I realized that night that whatever happens in the future, I had some pretty great people as friends. Though I feel a lot of days like I don't measure up to any of them, I know they are my friend for a reason and that I do have a special, very unique place in their lives; and they in mine. As we stood there in my backyard and watched the little balls of light pass over our heads one right after the other, it made me feel special and gave me a warm feeling that we are never alone in this world - even if we're miles away on a space station circling our planet. There were people in those little balls of light; people who are brave enough to be our representatives in space. Brave enough to spend days, weeks, months and years on end away from the rest of us on an international space station, all to further our exploration of God's creation on behalf of the rest of us.

How I am so proud of them for doing that; and for working together with people of other nations on something that is more important than all the stupid things we go to war for. Why can't we be like them all the time? I guess that's a question that will never have an answer; until God comes back, of course. But then, for some of us, it may be too late to understand the real meanign of life. I hope by then that most of God's people will know about Him and claim him. I want Heaven to be full; even though sometimes I wonder about my own salvation. The one thing I do know is that He sent His Son, Jesus, to take away my sins; and though I don't deserve it, I accept it. I accept that I'm not perfect but He loves me anyway. It's hard but it's a gift. I'm so greatful to have that grace and mercy because I'm a sinner everyday and I need to be forgiven everyday. And He does that; that's the only reason why I'm still here, still sane, still living, still alive and still striving to be and do better. With love, you can do all things. With God, you have nothing to lose. He's already done everything for you; you just have to accept it and follow through. I sometimes forget that. But seeing that article today about the Atlantis shuttle getting ready to send more people to help build more to the International Space Station reminded me of this.

It really is an amazing thing, this International Space Station. :-)

Post 140: Is this really a fortune?

Okay, so I'm kind of been disappointed lately with some of the fortunes I get. A lot are pretty obvious and sometimes really, really stupid. For example, maybe the following fortune means something deeper than what I can figure out but I really think that its stupid:

"To truly find yourself you should play hide and seek alone."

Huh? And why would anyone want to do that? I know it's meant to be spiritual and deep and soul-reflecting but it sounds more funny than it does any sort of epiphany. I have stuck it on my computer at work as a way to make me laugh some days. I asked myself this morning when I read it again, "Is this really a fortune?" I mean, how does it make me a fortune? Yeah, yeah - I find myself, yada, yada, yada. But sometimes I don't want to find myself. Ever think of that, oh wise fortune cookie people? I think I could do a better job at fortunes than you do! Mine wouldn't necessarily be wiser but they'd be funnier and more reflective of a normal person.

For example:

There are no lucky numbers, just Lucky Charms. They're magically delicious!
You are always going to be you so deal with it. Everyone else has.
Don't live your life as a fortune. This is just our job; we're getting paid to come up with this stuff.
Wisdom doesn't come from a fortune cookie; it comes from getting old.
Tomorrow is always tomorrow; stop worrying about it. It's going to be there. Trust me.
Yesterday is never coming back; be thankful and move on.
Time is constant; you shouldn't be. Otherwise, you'd be dull and no one wants to hang around a dull person.
Celebrities are just like us; they make the same stupid mistakes but everyone knows about them. Be thankful your secrets are still secrets.

That's just a few; I have a lot more but I won't bore you.

Oh, and how funny is this quote:

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

Uh-huh. And how did you come up with this one? Oh, and it's anonymous but attributed mostly to Dan Quayle and, yeah, you guessed it...Bill Clinton.

So, that's my little commentary for the day. Enjoy!

Post 139: Turned to Jello

Yep, that's what I feel like now. When I think about a particular guy, my insides turn to jello. This man just makes me come unglued that I can't concentrate...and I still don't know how to tell him. I talked to my mom about it last night and she was happy that I could have feelings like this - not happy that I wasn't doing anything about it but still happy for me. But he's a friend, I told her. I can't ask out a guy friend of mine that I have no clue if he's attracted to me. But he did flip my little ponytail last night. My friend thinks that he was flirting. I just don't know; I don't know how to read guys - really and truly I don't. Plus I don't know if he would even consider going out with a woman younger than him by several years. On my end, I know I need a man older than me to balance me out. Plus, he's also kind of private and I am so not. They say opposites attract but I'm not sure they attract in that way. All I know is that just by him touching my hair yesterday I almost went totally numb. I couldn't even talk to him much after that and tried not to look at him much because I was sure I'd broadcast too much. I am so at a loss what to do! Do I keep praying that God will just intervene in some way? Do I pray for these feelings to go away because they're wrong? Do I pray for something to happen? That's all I can do right now is pray. I'm too wrapped up inside to do anything else.

Maybe there is just something deep in me that is hindering my ability to do anything more; like a sense that maybe I don't deserve him. Maybe I don't deserve to be with any man right now. I haven't exactly succeeded in life - well, not monetarily. I'm not high maintenance in that way. Of course, I like nice things - who doesn't? But I don't expect a guy I'm dating to spend a lot of money on me. Yes, he should pay for our first few dates but after that we should be able to help each other. Of course, all women want our guys to treat us well all the time but in today's world that just doesn't seem to be possible. He starts thinking we're gold diggers if we ask to be treated nice (meaning pay every once in a while). And I'm not in a position to go dutch treat right now....

Okay, I just had the best compliment. Maybe I should start listening to people who say this to me...an older gentleman that I didn't even know came into work and started to walk around like he owned the place. I'd never seen him before though he kinda looked like our courier from Bedford. He was walking past my desk to leave when he stopped, turned to me and said, "I bet you haven't heard today what I'm going to say to you right now."
I said, "Uh, I don't know."
Then he said, "You look very, very lovely. No one's said that to you today, have they?"
"No," I said.
"See, there you go. You really are a lovely woman. Married, too, huh?"
Of course, I said, "Not yet."
"Oh, but you have a sweetie, right?" he asked.
"No," I said.
He said, "No sweetie?! You should be beating them off with a stick! What's wrong with the men these days?" I just kept laughing and smiling, basically being very very shy and embarrassed.
He said, "Well, next time I come back, you'll have one." Then he smiled and turned to leave. I hope he's right. He turned out to be the fathe of one of my co-workers. She's a character...now I know who she gets it from. :-)

You know, he's right. I should be beating them off with a stick - and maybe I'm too busy beating off the wrong ones that I can't see the right ones. I'm hoping this guy that turns me inside out is one of the right ones. All I know is that I have what I'm hoping is a healthy attraction to a man that is a good man. But I don't really know him deeply; but I know enough to be attracted. And it helps that he's also very, very attractive on the outside. That's always a plus. :-)

I guess I have to forget all my misgivings about myself and let things happen. Truthfully, I am trying to get out of my position and into a better one - it's taking FOREVER though! And I'm learning discipline and a lot about myself - good and bad. That's all we really can do, right? Better ourselves when we can and let life happen. Maybe I need to let life happen. I just sometimes wish it was simpler. But you do, too, right? So I'm just like everyone else. That's comforting to realize.

It's also comforting to know that God created us all unique. And that there's someone out there that likes (loves) us for just who we are right now. That's all I really want: for someone to like me for me because heaven knows, nobody else is perfect, either. I have to accept him for him, too. And let me tell you, I could so accept this man who likes making me into jello. Yummy. :-)

Post 138: I resolve...

....to continue writing.

....to continue to look for full-time jobs with benefits.

....to move out of my living situation by January 2007 into my own, NICE apartment - at the least.

....to be out of debt completely by the time I'm 35.

....to have a house (with or without a husband) by the time I'm 40.

....to have kids by the time I'm 40 and married to the love of my life (as cliche as that sounds).

....to have a house on the beach for once in my life and actually live in it.

....to prove to everyone that I'm a smart, funny and attractive person and they need to accept me just the way I am - even if they think I'm a little high maintenance or a goody-two shoes.

....to keep God the center of my life no matter how hard it is and how many people think I'm crazy or don't understand it.

....to be a better daughter but not be pushed around.

....to be a better friend and not be pushed around.

....to be a better aunt.

....to be a better sister.

....to be someone people know they can depend on.

....to stand up for what I believe in when everyone around me doesn't.

....to not let anyone get me down and persevere through the trials.

....to always have a song in my heart.

....to learn Portuguese.

....to travel more.

....to take chances every once in awhile.

....to wear a bikini in public only if I have the body to and not a bikini that is too revealing.

....to be there for my friends whenever they need me; even when I feel horrible myself.

....to help someone somehow everyday.

....to live a life that God says, "Well done, good and faithful servant" on the day I meet Him in heaven.

Post 137: Zombie but no Zombie dreams...

So I didn't sleep last night but it wasn't because of nightmares. Instead, we had pop-up thunderstorms at 12:30 a.m. last night (and 3 a.m.). My nocturnal deprivation was further progressed because of them, not my over-active imagination. But the Good Lord provided me with a way to at least not have any nightmares or be too scared of the storm: our little Yorkshire Terrier, Buster Brown. Yes, he is also afraid of storms and since I live in the basement apartment, he ends up being my bedmate some nights (you can't hear the storm as loud in my apartment). So I had this little ball of long fur sleeping next to me last night. (he likes to cuddle right next to you; especially if you are sleeping on your side and your legs are bent - he rolls into a little ball and tucks himself into the crease behind your knees). It was comforting. He's such a dear little dog. We've had Yorkies before but they were so high-strung and high-pitched. Buster is a gentle little soul; so attentive and playful and adorable. Though I am so, so tired today, I know my little companion last night was sent to me so I didn't have any more nightmares. I did have a weird dream but it wasn't even close to a nightmare. Such a plus. :-)

Thanks goodness all I have to do today is work 4 hours, get my hair done and go home. I wouldn't mind hanging out with a few friends but all my girlfriends are busy or leaving on vacation and my guy friends, well, we only hang out if I've invited them to a movie or over for a poker party. I haven't done that so it's pretty impossible that we'll get together either; they are not ones to initiate much themselves.

Hmmm....I guess that means I have time to write, huh? :-)

Post 136: Nightmares

I'm prone to them - always have been and, I fear, always will be. And here's a little secret for you: one of the major reasons it's been hard for me to write is because my writing has a direct effect on my sleeping habit. I tend to have nightmares more frequently when I find myself writing profusely - even about good stuff. I'm serious. This is the part I am not excited about. But it is a sign that I'm doing what I'm supposed to; I just hate the side effects.

Do you want an example? K - well, I'll give you one anyway. :-) I've had two fairly bad ones but I'll only tell you one of them.

The first is about that "Lady in the Water" movie. I'm sitting in the theatre with a guy friend of mine who really wants to see it - but it's just him and I which has never happened before. We're not on a date or anything like that as far as I can tell. About 20 minutes into the movie I excuse myself to go to the bathroom but I don't. Instead, I sit in the lobby and wait for the movie to be over. I was too scared to watch the rest but even as I sit there these awful visions from the movie are still haunting me. When it's obvious that I'm not coming back in, my friend comes out to look for me. Seeing me, he asks why I left. I told him that when I said I wasn't sure if I could sit through the movie that I wasn't kidding; and then I explain to him that I'm still having these bad visions even though I'm not watching it anymore. He says that then we can just go and he really wasn't liking it anyway. Though I knew he was lying. I told him no, he should go in and finish watching it because I knew him well enough to know he was just trying to be a gentleman. But as I said that my surroundings changed and I found myself in this weird place. My friend was standing behind me breathing heavily. I seemed to recognize the place but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then my friend's voice changed to be really deep as he said, "You should run now." I turned around to see that he had morphed into this awful looking wolf-man. His fangs were already dripping with blood but I could see no evidence of him killing anything. At that moment I realized that I was in the movie. It was like I was trapped in this box where I could see the screen and I could see the people watching me in the movie as I was banging on the screen for someone to get me out of there. But all they kept doing was eating their popcorn, mesmerized by what they were watching - and they had 3D glasses. Weird.

Then my friend said, "No one can help you now. You are trapped in here so start running otherwise, this is going to be the easiest kill I've had. We need to entertain people."

"Entertain people?" I asked, pretty much frozen in place, horrified at my situtation.
"Before I kill you. This isn't a movie."

Then he lunged at me, knocked me to the ground and ripped off the skin on my face with his teeth but I was still alive. I won't go into what happened next but I died a horrible death before I woke up breathing hard and turned my light on very quickly. It took me awile to turn my life off and to try to go back to sleep. This is the third or fourth night of nightmares.

I am not joking when I say that there are days I wish someone would spend just 24 hours in my head. It really isn't easy many days to be me. It's not that I don't have things and friends and family that care about me but I have this head that is constantly moving, thinking and keeping me on edge that I don't truly know what peace or quiet is - even when I'm desperate for it or am trying to clear my head. I haven't had nightmares this bad in awhile - ever since 8 years ago when I seriously put down my pen because what I wrote scared me so I swore off writing ever again.

This is why I say my imagination is a blessing AND a curse. It doesn't just come with great stories; it comes with stories that freak me out - and my head is the one that conjures them up. I scare MYSELF half the time. I so don't need a movie or a trailer of a movie to do it for me. It's why I'm so sensitive when it comes to some movies and stuff.

I know that the evil one is using a gift God has given me to try to stop me from pursuing God's will. I have to fight it like I've never fought it before. I know there may be worse nights to come but I am going to be ready for them - even if I have to sleep with a nightlight and stop watching TV completely. I haven't watch more than an hour of TV in the last five days. Still, I have nightmares. I just have to be careful, keep writing, don't give up and pray very seriously about this.

I'm not sure if I tell any of my friends about this yet. I know that a few do read my blog so they'll know. But I don't know if I should give this wings or not yet. If I do, maybe I'm playing into the evil one's hands. I think I'm going to leave it up to God if I should have people pray about this for me yet. It has only been a few days and that could be becasue of my hormones - though I hightly doubt that this is why since I don't usually have nightmares when I'm hormonal. But I'm kind of hoping that that's the reason.

The other thing is that my nightmares take awhile to end even when I wake up from them. I've had several instances through childhood and early adulthood of hallucinating after having a nightmare. Most of the time, turning on the light makes it go away - but not always. And that's the scary truth. I have to pray very quickly and out loud sometimes to make it go away. But since I haven't had these for so long and so infrequently since I quit writing seriously eight years ago, I know that they have to be back because I'm serious again about writing. I've always hinted to people about this tendency with my writing but I've never gone in depth with it to them. But the person I've become now won't allow me to hide it for too much longer. I'm just not able to keep things like this to myself anymore. It's too hard.

But I don't want to send out an e-mail yet. I think I'm going to let those who read this pray for me if they want and then tell a few of my close friends about it. I really think I'm being attacked again. On the other hand, I know that it's a sign that God wants to use this gift of mine in a way that the evil one so does not want to happen. And that is inspiring. :-)

Post 135: Sunbathing bliss

Yes, I like to sunbathe. I haven't done it in awhile but I do miss it. To be honest, I was never one of those serious sunbathers - you know, the ones that have the leather-like skin. But I liked to do it when I had the chance and it wasn't too hot (and as long as there was a clean pool nearby or the ocean). Yesterday, a friend of mine and I ended up at the local lake retreat and sunbathed poolside. It was the first time I've worn a two-piece in public; it's the only bathing suit I have right now that is decent so I had no choice. So, though I was highly self-conscious to begin with, my friend made it easy for me to relax uncovered so. By the time we left three hours later, I actually had more confidence.

You know, my confidence is increasing exponentially everyday. I still have my moments of self-estee and depression problems, but I'm surprisingly getting over them quickly. I can attribute this change in me to two things: sending off my first story and my new friend. She has confidence to spare - and I don't mean that in a bad way. She is open and honest and real, so real, with you (the only other person I have known like her is my best friend in CA - she also tells it like it is). My new friend also accepts herself as someone who has made mistakes but moves on and learns from them. She also is developing this amazing heart for the Lord that is so inspiring to me. We are so different in many ways but alike in the ways that matter; we are definitely rubbing off on each other in good ways. She won't let me off the hook either. She tells me when I'm being stupid and that I should take pride in myself. She is completely convinced that I'm supposed to be a writer - she's the only one who is (I have trouble every once in a while believing it myself) - and she's not allowing me to give up. She's encouraging me to try and to not squander what God gave me. Even if I never become this famous writer, I know that I need to follow through in this gift to figure out how God wants me to use it - even if it's just to write to Him.

Sending off my first story a few months ago was like cutting off my arm - it was painful and all the blood I lost made me nausious. That's kind of a gross description but that's literally how I felt. For some reason, my stories - my words - are so important to me. You know how some people are very reserved and introverted and hate it when their solitude is interrupted even in the slightest way? That's how I am with my writing - I'm so protective of it. It's so important to me that I actually fooled myself into not doing it because it could be ruined. How in the world did I ever get there? It doesn't make sense - I know that now. So at least two days this week, I am meeting with her so she can study and I can write. We are keeping each other accountable - and you know what? That's really what I've needed all these years - an accountability partner who will be supportive while telling me when I'm being stupid.

Maybe to most of you reading this lying in public in a two-piece bathing suit isn't a confidence booster but when you've been a person who's struggled with self-esteem her whole life, to get to this point is so encouraging and life-affirming. I'd still feel better when my body is tighter but it's tight enough for me to start feeling comfortable in my own skin. I know that that sounds vain or too self-involved but I can't help you thinking that. What I know is that I've always had a problem with myself and though I know God accepts me just the way I am, I have trouble accepting that. We all have trouble accepting part of ourselves and struggle with issues that God has already cleared us of - loving us regardless. But there are ways He gives us to see ourselves differently - better. For me, I find solace in being, feeling and looking healthy. I still eat fries and break and stuff but I know when to enjoy them and when to not. And looking good, helps me to feel good and helps me to be more confident so I believe in myself - God may not have to work at believing in me but I do. We all want to understand why He just gives us grace and is merciful when we so aren't worth it. I feel worth it now - so watch out, I'm coming out!

I don't really like the single life but my friend has also reminded me that I am at a very great point in my life right now even though I don't know how I'm going to pay my bills next week. I am at a transition that is going to be a good one. I have freedom to choose but more so, the freedom to follow God. I don't have anyone tying me down. If God wants me to go somewhere, I can up and go. If I were involved, I couldn't. And, on the other hand, I have nothing holding me down so if I were to get involved now and it become serious, I could leave with him - no ties. So, either way, I'm in a good place. I know what I want, what I have to do and have the good uncertainty that I can do anything and go anywhere at a moments notice. I love to travel - so maybe I'll be able to do that sooner than later. As a writer, I can come up with endless possibilities - I can end up in New York meeting with editors to publish my book; I can end up taking a vacation with my parents, writing a travel article, getting published and being hired as a travel magazine writer; I could meet someone on a plane, love at first site, and be married in the next two years, starting a family and my writing career then; I could find myself working for an NFL, NBA or MLB team in the front office, find myself in the right place at the right time and end up being on-air talent on ESPN (so this is a long shot but it would be cool). There are so many things that can happen. And maybe God is preparing me for one of these great next steps.

What I have to do is keep Him my Center and follow through on what I know now. He'll correct me when He needs to and alter my path at the right time. I have confidence now - or is it that my faith is returning but this time, it's stronger? I don't know that yet but I will in due time.

Isn't it just a beautiful day - that's not a question, it's a statement. :-)

Post 134: Creating a Masterpiece

Well, it won't be a masterpiece but I hope my friend likes it. In fact, I hope all my friends like theirs - because they'll eventually have one, too. I can't say what it is because my friend who the first one is for reads my blog sometimes. I so don't want to give it away. Today is not a super busy day so I used the quiet time (between 11:30 a.m. and 1 p.m.) in the office to sit and write on my little pad. I had everything done at that point and was just answering the phone. I think it turned out okay but I know it wouldn't win any awards. Only my friend really has to like it - if she does then it's a success.

I'm not looking forward to after work - only because it's probably going to storm and I'm not going to be able to do my workout at the Y (today I'm supposed to swim 1/2 mile and do my full weight workout - and I really want to do it). But I also just found out that I have to go home and let the dog out right after work so my workout will be later and by that time, it may be storming - not to mention the fact that I still have to go to my friend's for Bible study later in the evening. I hate days that are so up in the air. They are really annoying. Now, if this ends up being a day where things go even better than planned then it's worth it. But I don't have many days like that - in fact, I can't remember the last day I had like that. All my days usually go worse.

I'm still waiting for that fun, exciting thing to happen to me this year. I'm due for a good year - not a year that's like all the others. But, unfortunately, this year is looking and feeling like every other year. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and sounds like a duck - it is a duck. Well, I'm hoping that this year breaks that cliche wide open. I hope that duck becomes a swam somehow. 'Cause I'm gettin' tired of being in the same old routine. I'm ready for something fun and life-changing (notice the "and" - I don't want one without the other and they have to be completely dependent on one another - not something fun and something else that's life changing - because the life-changing can be bad and I'm done with bad).

I want something good. I want, I want, I want...so I'm a little whiny right now. We all deserve to be at times. I'm not apologizing for it. I'm keepin' it real...GOOOSH!

So, my friends have gotten me hooked on this little movie you may have heard of...Napoleon Dynamite. It seems that every time I see my friends they are saying one of the lines for this movie. And a guy friend of mine has kind of come out of his shell even more after our first discussion about that movie. He smiles more - and let me tell you, he has the best smile I've ever seen. It's nice to see it more often - though it's a little dangerous for me. :-) That's all I'm saying about that. Moving on...

BTW, I saw Pirates, of course. SPOILER ALERT (sort of ): It's a cliffhanger. I can't say how or why since some of my friends haven't seen it yet but I was perturbed. I actually said - out loud - when the movie ended, "No! You can't do this to me!" Yeah, I really did say it out loud. The two friends I was sitting between just laughed at me. So now we all have to wait another year - but I think it was probably a given that the movie would end something like this since there's already a third movie in the works. It was good but it was different than the first. It wasn't bad at all but it was a different experience than the first one. And, after thinking about it for a week now, you really need to see the first movie before you see the second - if you happen to be one of the six or seven who actually didn't see the first one. The second movie refers back to some of the scenes in the first one so I think it would make more sense to see the first first. But, I want to leave no doubt that it's worth the price of admission.

This week, some of us want to go see Cars. But I kind of want to see it or Superman at the drive-in. However, I'm a little broke right now and I need to take some time to stay home and relax. Plus, I kind of wish I were dating. I've had offers but not ones from guys that I'm even remotely interested in. I'm starting to believe that I really may just end up dating the guy that is supposed to be my husband. I mean, maybe that's why God is saving me from myself right now. Of course, I don't want to go into my next dating relationship thinking that - it's not fair to him. But, deep down, I kind of hope that is what God wants for me and is leading me to. Time will tell.

Okay, I should go now. Work is almost over and I'm so ready to swim. :-)