I'm prone to them - always have been and, I fear, always will be. And here's a little secret for you: one of the major reasons it's been hard for me to write is because my writing has a direct effect on my sleeping habit. I tend to have nightmares more frequently when I find myself writing profusely - even about good stuff. I'm serious. This is the part I am not excited about. But it is a sign that I'm doing what I'm supposed to; I just hate the side effects.
Do you want an example? K - well, I'll give you one anyway. :-) I've had two fairly bad ones but I'll only tell you one of them.
The first is about that "Lady in the Water" movie. I'm sitting in the theatre with a guy friend of mine who really wants to see it - but it's just him and I which has never happened before. We're not on a date or anything like that as far as I can tell. About 20 minutes into the movie I excuse myself to go to the bathroom but I don't. Instead, I sit in the lobby and wait for the movie to be over. I was too scared to watch the rest but even as I sit there these awful visions from the movie are still haunting me. When it's obvious that I'm not coming back in, my friend comes out to look for me. Seeing me, he asks why I left. I told him that when I said I wasn't sure if I could sit through the movie that I wasn't kidding; and then I explain to him that I'm still having these bad visions even though I'm not watching it anymore. He says that then we can just go and he really wasn't liking it anyway. Though I knew he was lying. I told him no, he should go in and finish watching it because I knew him well enough to know he was just trying to be a gentleman. But as I said that my surroundings changed and I found myself in this weird place. My friend was standing behind me breathing heavily. I seemed to recognize the place but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then my friend's voice changed to be really deep as he said, "You should run now." I turned around to see that he had morphed into this awful looking wolf-man. His fangs were already dripping with blood but I could see no evidence of him killing anything. At that moment I realized that I was in the movie. It was like I was trapped in this box where I could see the screen and I could see the people watching me in the movie as I was banging on the screen for someone to get me out of there. But all they kept doing was eating their popcorn, mesmerized by what they were watching - and they had 3D glasses. Weird.
Then my friend said, "No one can help you now. You are trapped in here so start running otherwise, this is going to be the easiest kill I've had. We need to entertain people."
"Entertain people?" I asked, pretty much frozen in place, horrified at my situtation.
"Before I kill you. This isn't a movie."
Then he lunged at me, knocked me to the ground and ripped off the skin on my face with his teeth but I was still alive. I won't go into what happened next but I died a horrible death before I woke up breathing hard and turned my light on very quickly. It took me awile to turn my life off and to try to go back to sleep. This is the third or fourth night of nightmares.
I am not joking when I say that there are days I wish someone would spend just 24 hours in my head. It really isn't easy many days to be me. It's not that I don't have things and friends and family that care about me but I have this head that is constantly moving, thinking and keeping me on edge that I don't truly know what peace or quiet is - even when I'm desperate for it or am trying to clear my head. I haven't had nightmares this bad in awhile - ever since 8 years ago when I seriously put down my pen because what I wrote scared me so I swore off writing ever again.
This is why I say my imagination is a blessing AND a curse. It doesn't just come with great stories; it comes with stories that freak me out - and my head is the one that conjures them up. I scare MYSELF half the time. I so don't need a movie or a trailer of a movie to do it for me. It's why I'm so sensitive when it comes to some movies and stuff.
I know that the evil one is using a gift God has given me to try to stop me from pursuing God's will. I have to fight it like I've never fought it before. I know there may be worse nights to come but I am going to be ready for them - even if I have to sleep with a nightlight and stop watching TV completely. I haven't watch more than an hour of TV in the last five days. Still, I have nightmares. I just have to be careful, keep writing, don't give up and pray very seriously about this.
I'm not sure if I tell any of my friends about this yet. I know that a few do read my blog so they'll know. But I don't know if I should give this wings or not yet. If I do, maybe I'm playing into the evil one's hands. I think I'm going to leave it up to God if I should have people pray about this for me yet. It has only been a few days and that could be becasue of my hormones - though I hightly doubt that this is why since I don't usually have nightmares when I'm hormonal. But I'm kind of hoping that that's the reason.
The other thing is that my nightmares take awhile to end even when I wake up from them. I've had several instances through childhood and early adulthood of hallucinating after having a nightmare. Most of the time, turning on the light makes it go away - but not always. And that's the scary truth. I have to pray very quickly and out loud sometimes to make it go away. But since I haven't had these for so long and so infrequently since I quit writing seriously eight years ago, I know that they have to be back because I'm serious again about writing. I've always hinted to people about this tendency with my writing but I've never gone in depth with it to them. But the person I've become now won't allow me to hide it for too much longer. I'm just not able to keep things like this to myself anymore. It's too hard.
But I don't want to send out an e-mail yet. I think I'm going to let those who read this pray for me if they want and then tell a few of my close friends about it. I really think I'm being attacked again. On the other hand, I know that it's a sign that God wants to use this gift of mine in a way that the evil one so does not want to happen. And that is inspiring. :-)
7.20.2006
7.17.2006
Post 135: Sunbathing bliss
Yes, I like to sunbathe. I haven't done it in awhile but I do miss it. To be honest, I was never one of those serious sunbathers - you know, the ones that have the leather-like skin. But I liked to do it when I had the chance and it wasn't too hot (and as long as there was a clean pool nearby or the ocean). Yesterday, a friend of mine and I ended up at the local lake retreat and sunbathed poolside. It was the first time I've worn a two-piece in public; it's the only bathing suit I have right now that is decent so I had no choice. So, though I was highly self-conscious to begin with, my friend made it easy for me to relax uncovered so. By the time we left three hours later, I actually had more confidence.
You know, my confidence is increasing exponentially everyday. I still have my moments of self-estee and depression problems, but I'm surprisingly getting over them quickly. I can attribute this change in me to two things: sending off my first story and my new friend. She has confidence to spare - and I don't mean that in a bad way. She is open and honest and real, so real, with you (the only other person I have known like her is my best friend in CA - she also tells it like it is). My new friend also accepts herself as someone who has made mistakes but moves on and learns from them. She also is developing this amazing heart for the Lord that is so inspiring to me. We are so different in many ways but alike in the ways that matter; we are definitely rubbing off on each other in good ways. She won't let me off the hook either. She tells me when I'm being stupid and that I should take pride in myself. She is completely convinced that I'm supposed to be a writer - she's the only one who is (I have trouble every once in a while believing it myself) - and she's not allowing me to give up. She's encouraging me to try and to not squander what God gave me. Even if I never become this famous writer, I know that I need to follow through in this gift to figure out how God wants me to use it - even if it's just to write to Him.
Sending off my first story a few months ago was like cutting off my arm - it was painful and all the blood I lost made me nausious. That's kind of a gross description but that's literally how I felt. For some reason, my stories - my words - are so important to me. You know how some people are very reserved and introverted and hate it when their solitude is interrupted even in the slightest way? That's how I am with my writing - I'm so protective of it. It's so important to me that I actually fooled myself into not doing it because it could be ruined. How in the world did I ever get there? It doesn't make sense - I know that now. So at least two days this week, I am meeting with her so she can study and I can write. We are keeping each other accountable - and you know what? That's really what I've needed all these years - an accountability partner who will be supportive while telling me when I'm being stupid.
Maybe to most of you reading this lying in public in a two-piece bathing suit isn't a confidence booster but when you've been a person who's struggled with self-esteem her whole life, to get to this point is so encouraging and life-affirming. I'd still feel better when my body is tighter but it's tight enough for me to start feeling comfortable in my own skin. I know that that sounds vain or too self-involved but I can't help you thinking that. What I know is that I've always had a problem with myself and though I know God accepts me just the way I am, I have trouble accepting that. We all have trouble accepting part of ourselves and struggle with issues that God has already cleared us of - loving us regardless. But there are ways He gives us to see ourselves differently - better. For me, I find solace in being, feeling and looking healthy. I still eat fries and break and stuff but I know when to enjoy them and when to not. And looking good, helps me to feel good and helps me to be more confident so I believe in myself - God may not have to work at believing in me but I do. We all want to understand why He just gives us grace and is merciful when we so aren't worth it. I feel worth it now - so watch out, I'm coming out!
I don't really like the single life but my friend has also reminded me that I am at a very great point in my life right now even though I don't know how I'm going to pay my bills next week. I am at a transition that is going to be a good one. I have freedom to choose but more so, the freedom to follow God. I don't have anyone tying me down. If God wants me to go somewhere, I can up and go. If I were involved, I couldn't. And, on the other hand, I have nothing holding me down so if I were to get involved now and it become serious, I could leave with him - no ties. So, either way, I'm in a good place. I know what I want, what I have to do and have the good uncertainty that I can do anything and go anywhere at a moments notice. I love to travel - so maybe I'll be able to do that sooner than later. As a writer, I can come up with endless possibilities - I can end up in New York meeting with editors to publish my book; I can end up taking a vacation with my parents, writing a travel article, getting published and being hired as a travel magazine writer; I could meet someone on a plane, love at first site, and be married in the next two years, starting a family and my writing career then; I could find myself working for an NFL, NBA or MLB team in the front office, find myself in the right place at the right time and end up being on-air talent on ESPN (so this is a long shot but it would be cool). There are so many things that can happen. And maybe God is preparing me for one of these great next steps.
What I have to do is keep Him my Center and follow through on what I know now. He'll correct me when He needs to and alter my path at the right time. I have confidence now - or is it that my faith is returning but this time, it's stronger? I don't know that yet but I will in due time.
Isn't it just a beautiful day - that's not a question, it's a statement. :-)
You know, my confidence is increasing exponentially everyday. I still have my moments of self-estee and depression problems, but I'm surprisingly getting over them quickly. I can attribute this change in me to two things: sending off my first story and my new friend. She has confidence to spare - and I don't mean that in a bad way. She is open and honest and real, so real, with you (the only other person I have known like her is my best friend in CA - she also tells it like it is). My new friend also accepts herself as someone who has made mistakes but moves on and learns from them. She also is developing this amazing heart for the Lord that is so inspiring to me. We are so different in many ways but alike in the ways that matter; we are definitely rubbing off on each other in good ways. She won't let me off the hook either. She tells me when I'm being stupid and that I should take pride in myself. She is completely convinced that I'm supposed to be a writer - she's the only one who is (I have trouble every once in a while believing it myself) - and she's not allowing me to give up. She's encouraging me to try and to not squander what God gave me. Even if I never become this famous writer, I know that I need to follow through in this gift to figure out how God wants me to use it - even if it's just to write to Him.
Sending off my first story a few months ago was like cutting off my arm - it was painful and all the blood I lost made me nausious. That's kind of a gross description but that's literally how I felt. For some reason, my stories - my words - are so important to me. You know how some people are very reserved and introverted and hate it when their solitude is interrupted even in the slightest way? That's how I am with my writing - I'm so protective of it. It's so important to me that I actually fooled myself into not doing it because it could be ruined. How in the world did I ever get there? It doesn't make sense - I know that now. So at least two days this week, I am meeting with her so she can study and I can write. We are keeping each other accountable - and you know what? That's really what I've needed all these years - an accountability partner who will be supportive while telling me when I'm being stupid.
Maybe to most of you reading this lying in public in a two-piece bathing suit isn't a confidence booster but when you've been a person who's struggled with self-esteem her whole life, to get to this point is so encouraging and life-affirming. I'd still feel better when my body is tighter but it's tight enough for me to start feeling comfortable in my own skin. I know that that sounds vain or too self-involved but I can't help you thinking that. What I know is that I've always had a problem with myself and though I know God accepts me just the way I am, I have trouble accepting that. We all have trouble accepting part of ourselves and struggle with issues that God has already cleared us of - loving us regardless. But there are ways He gives us to see ourselves differently - better. For me, I find solace in being, feeling and looking healthy. I still eat fries and break and stuff but I know when to enjoy them and when to not. And looking good, helps me to feel good and helps me to be more confident so I believe in myself - God may not have to work at believing in me but I do. We all want to understand why He just gives us grace and is merciful when we so aren't worth it. I feel worth it now - so watch out, I'm coming out!
I don't really like the single life but my friend has also reminded me that I am at a very great point in my life right now even though I don't know how I'm going to pay my bills next week. I am at a transition that is going to be a good one. I have freedom to choose but more so, the freedom to follow God. I don't have anyone tying me down. If God wants me to go somewhere, I can up and go. If I were involved, I couldn't. And, on the other hand, I have nothing holding me down so if I were to get involved now and it become serious, I could leave with him - no ties. So, either way, I'm in a good place. I know what I want, what I have to do and have the good uncertainty that I can do anything and go anywhere at a moments notice. I love to travel - so maybe I'll be able to do that sooner than later. As a writer, I can come up with endless possibilities - I can end up in New York meeting with editors to publish my book; I can end up taking a vacation with my parents, writing a travel article, getting published and being hired as a travel magazine writer; I could meet someone on a plane, love at first site, and be married in the next two years, starting a family and my writing career then; I could find myself working for an NFL, NBA or MLB team in the front office, find myself in the right place at the right time and end up being on-air talent on ESPN (so this is a long shot but it would be cool). There are so many things that can happen. And maybe God is preparing me for one of these great next steps.
What I have to do is keep Him my Center and follow through on what I know now. He'll correct me when He needs to and alter my path at the right time. I have confidence now - or is it that my faith is returning but this time, it's stronger? I don't know that yet but I will in due time.
Isn't it just a beautiful day - that's not a question, it's a statement. :-)
7.13.2006
Post 134: Creating a Masterpiece
Well, it won't be a masterpiece but I hope my friend likes it. In fact, I hope all my friends like theirs - because they'll eventually have one, too. I can't say what it is because my friend who the first one is for reads my blog sometimes. I so don't want to give it away. Today is not a super busy day so I used the quiet time (between 11:30 a.m. and 1 p.m.) in the office to sit and write on my little pad. I had everything done at that point and was just answering the phone. I think it turned out okay but I know it wouldn't win any awards. Only my friend really has to like it - if she does then it's a success.
I'm not looking forward to after work - only because it's probably going to storm and I'm not going to be able to do my workout at the Y (today I'm supposed to swim 1/2 mile and do my full weight workout - and I really want to do it). But I also just found out that I have to go home and let the dog out right after work so my workout will be later and by that time, it may be storming - not to mention the fact that I still have to go to my friend's for Bible study later in the evening. I hate days that are so up in the air. They are really annoying. Now, if this ends up being a day where things go even better than planned then it's worth it. But I don't have many days like that - in fact, I can't remember the last day I had like that. All my days usually go worse.
I'm still waiting for that fun, exciting thing to happen to me this year. I'm due for a good year - not a year that's like all the others. But, unfortunately, this year is looking and feeling like every other year. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and sounds like a duck - it is a duck. Well, I'm hoping that this year breaks that cliche wide open. I hope that duck becomes a swam somehow. 'Cause I'm gettin' tired of being in the same old routine. I'm ready for something fun and life-changing (notice the "and" - I don't want one without the other and they have to be completely dependent on one another - not something fun and something else that's life changing - because the life-changing can be bad and I'm done with bad).
I want something good. I want, I want, I want...so I'm a little whiny right now. We all deserve to be at times. I'm not apologizing for it. I'm keepin' it real...GOOOSH!
So, my friends have gotten me hooked on this little movie you may have heard of...Napoleon Dynamite. It seems that every time I see my friends they are saying one of the lines for this movie. And a guy friend of mine has kind of come out of his shell even more after our first discussion about that movie. He smiles more - and let me tell you, he has the best smile I've ever seen. It's nice to see it more often - though it's a little dangerous for me. :-) That's all I'm saying about that. Moving on...
BTW, I saw Pirates, of course. SPOILER ALERT (sort of ): It's a cliffhanger. I can't say how or why since some of my friends haven't seen it yet but I was perturbed. I actually said - out loud - when the movie ended, "No! You can't do this to me!" Yeah, I really did say it out loud. The two friends I was sitting between just laughed at me. So now we all have to wait another year - but I think it was probably a given that the movie would end something like this since there's already a third movie in the works. It was good but it was different than the first. It wasn't bad at all but it was a different experience than the first one. And, after thinking about it for a week now, you really need to see the first movie before you see the second - if you happen to be one of the six or seven who actually didn't see the first one. The second movie refers back to some of the scenes in the first one so I think it would make more sense to see the first first. But, I want to leave no doubt that it's worth the price of admission.
This week, some of us want to go see Cars. But I kind of want to see it or Superman at the drive-in. However, I'm a little broke right now and I need to take some time to stay home and relax. Plus, I kind of wish I were dating. I've had offers but not ones from guys that I'm even remotely interested in. I'm starting to believe that I really may just end up dating the guy that is supposed to be my husband. I mean, maybe that's why God is saving me from myself right now. Of course, I don't want to go into my next dating relationship thinking that - it's not fair to him. But, deep down, I kind of hope that is what God wants for me and is leading me to. Time will tell.
Okay, I should go now. Work is almost over and I'm so ready to swim. :-)
I'm not looking forward to after work - only because it's probably going to storm and I'm not going to be able to do my workout at the Y (today I'm supposed to swim 1/2 mile and do my full weight workout - and I really want to do it). But I also just found out that I have to go home and let the dog out right after work so my workout will be later and by that time, it may be storming - not to mention the fact that I still have to go to my friend's for Bible study later in the evening. I hate days that are so up in the air. They are really annoying. Now, if this ends up being a day where things go even better than planned then it's worth it. But I don't have many days like that - in fact, I can't remember the last day I had like that. All my days usually go worse.
I'm still waiting for that fun, exciting thing to happen to me this year. I'm due for a good year - not a year that's like all the others. But, unfortunately, this year is looking and feeling like every other year. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and sounds like a duck - it is a duck. Well, I'm hoping that this year breaks that cliche wide open. I hope that duck becomes a swam somehow. 'Cause I'm gettin' tired of being in the same old routine. I'm ready for something fun and life-changing (notice the "and" - I don't want one without the other and they have to be completely dependent on one another - not something fun and something else that's life changing - because the life-changing can be bad and I'm done with bad).
I want something good. I want, I want, I want...so I'm a little whiny right now. We all deserve to be at times. I'm not apologizing for it. I'm keepin' it real...GOOOSH!
So, my friends have gotten me hooked on this little movie you may have heard of...Napoleon Dynamite. It seems that every time I see my friends they are saying one of the lines for this movie. And a guy friend of mine has kind of come out of his shell even more after our first discussion about that movie. He smiles more - and let me tell you, he has the best smile I've ever seen. It's nice to see it more often - though it's a little dangerous for me. :-) That's all I'm saying about that. Moving on...
BTW, I saw Pirates, of course. SPOILER ALERT (sort of ): It's a cliffhanger. I can't say how or why since some of my friends haven't seen it yet but I was perturbed. I actually said - out loud - when the movie ended, "No! You can't do this to me!" Yeah, I really did say it out loud. The two friends I was sitting between just laughed at me. So now we all have to wait another year - but I think it was probably a given that the movie would end something like this since there's already a third movie in the works. It was good but it was different than the first. It wasn't bad at all but it was a different experience than the first one. And, after thinking about it for a week now, you really need to see the first movie before you see the second - if you happen to be one of the six or seven who actually didn't see the first one. The second movie refers back to some of the scenes in the first one so I think it would make more sense to see the first first. But, I want to leave no doubt that it's worth the price of admission.
This week, some of us want to go see Cars. But I kind of want to see it or Superman at the drive-in. However, I'm a little broke right now and I need to take some time to stay home and relax. Plus, I kind of wish I were dating. I've had offers but not ones from guys that I'm even remotely interested in. I'm starting to believe that I really may just end up dating the guy that is supposed to be my husband. I mean, maybe that's why God is saving me from myself right now. Of course, I don't want to go into my next dating relationship thinking that - it's not fair to him. But, deep down, I kind of hope that is what God wants for me and is leading me to. Time will tell.
Okay, I should go now. Work is almost over and I'm so ready to swim. :-)
7.12.2006
Post 133: To be or not to be...
...that is NOT the question for me. Otherwise, I'd drive myself insane trying to figure it out. But, since I'm already in the looney bin, I guess it wouldn't be a far drive. :-)
Today, my toe really hurts. I'm wearing open-toed, slip on shoes but I still find that I have to walk on the inside of my left foot, creating a slight limp. Going upstairs doesn't hurt so much but going downstairs - well, I almost would rather hop down them on one leg instead of trying to manuever. I think that they should study me - researchers on clumsiness, I mean. I think I'm their perfect test subject. I can excuse my knack for tripping-when-there-isn't-anything-to-trip-over on my seizure disorder as a child - but it's much funnier to just say that I'm a little off at times. Still, if there is a man out there that likes slapstick - I'm the girl for him. He wouldn't have to rent The Three Stooges movies - all he'd need to do is make some popcorn and follow me around during the day. I'm sure he'd get his fill of slapstick comedy within the first 30 minutes of me getting out of bed. :-)
Today has been a real interesting day at work. I didn't have my computer for much of it - which made me realize that my entire job has to do with this computer. I could do nothing while it was down. It sucked at first - but I'm a closet opportunist. I quickly realized I had an excuse not to work and started to write some fun poetry and stories. It was a nice break to my day. I didn't get much done on my stories but I got some great ideas for a friend's birthday present. It will be creative and I know she won't get this from anyone else. So I'm kind of really excited and so want to focus on it right now but I'm writing this blog instead. Hmmm...either way, I'm being bad at work. I think a friend of mine has rubbed off on me this week. His boss was gone last week and he revealed to me that he was kind of slacking off at work while he was gone. With his boss gone, I'm sure that there really wasn't much for him to do since I think his job relies upon his boss' needs. But this is a guy that I'm pretty sure is a hard and detailed worker - so it was a little surprising that he was being a slacker. If he can sometimes relax at his job, then I can, too. Of course, I will use any excuse to get out of working. It's not that I'm not a good worker; I am. I can be a very, very hard worker but you also have to have balance or else you aren't as effective for your employers. Though I've been to CA twice this year - it has been for ecstenuating circumstances and not for vacation. I know that I've felt this way before; the last time I felt this way, I was overdue for a vacation (and everyone around me knew it). But with no money for a plane ticket or a job that will allow me to be gone and me not be in financial ruin, I don't have a choice but to stick around. I can only dream about being on a beach somewhere. I just need to hear the ocean, walk on the beach and be at peace for a few days. Then I'll be recharged and ready for work again.
Oh, well. My timing is off. I'll just have be content with where I'm at until an opportunity presents itself - hopefully, that opportunity is just around the corner. :-) And wouldn't it be great if it was with a guy that I'm dating? Where are you, Mr. Dreamboat? Come find me...on the beach. :-)
Today, my toe really hurts. I'm wearing open-toed, slip on shoes but I still find that I have to walk on the inside of my left foot, creating a slight limp. Going upstairs doesn't hurt so much but going downstairs - well, I almost would rather hop down them on one leg instead of trying to manuever. I think that they should study me - researchers on clumsiness, I mean. I think I'm their perfect test subject. I can excuse my knack for tripping-when-there-isn't-anything-to-trip-over on my seizure disorder as a child - but it's much funnier to just say that I'm a little off at times. Still, if there is a man out there that likes slapstick - I'm the girl for him. He wouldn't have to rent The Three Stooges movies - all he'd need to do is make some popcorn and follow me around during the day. I'm sure he'd get his fill of slapstick comedy within the first 30 minutes of me getting out of bed. :-)
Today has been a real interesting day at work. I didn't have my computer for much of it - which made me realize that my entire job has to do with this computer. I could do nothing while it was down. It sucked at first - but I'm a closet opportunist. I quickly realized I had an excuse not to work and started to write some fun poetry and stories. It was a nice break to my day. I didn't get much done on my stories but I got some great ideas for a friend's birthday present. It will be creative and I know she won't get this from anyone else. So I'm kind of really excited and so want to focus on it right now but I'm writing this blog instead. Hmmm...either way, I'm being bad at work. I think a friend of mine has rubbed off on me this week. His boss was gone last week and he revealed to me that he was kind of slacking off at work while he was gone. With his boss gone, I'm sure that there really wasn't much for him to do since I think his job relies upon his boss' needs. But this is a guy that I'm pretty sure is a hard and detailed worker - so it was a little surprising that he was being a slacker. If he can sometimes relax at his job, then I can, too. Of course, I will use any excuse to get out of working. It's not that I'm not a good worker; I am. I can be a very, very hard worker but you also have to have balance or else you aren't as effective for your employers. Though I've been to CA twice this year - it has been for ecstenuating circumstances and not for vacation. I know that I've felt this way before; the last time I felt this way, I was overdue for a vacation (and everyone around me knew it). But with no money for a plane ticket or a job that will allow me to be gone and me not be in financial ruin, I don't have a choice but to stick around. I can only dream about being on a beach somewhere. I just need to hear the ocean, walk on the beach and be at peace for a few days. Then I'll be recharged and ready for work again.
Oh, well. My timing is off. I'll just have be content with where I'm at until an opportunity presents itself - hopefully, that opportunity is just around the corner. :-) And wouldn't it be great if it was with a guy that I'm dating? Where are you, Mr. Dreamboat? Come find me...on the beach. :-)
7.11.2006
Post 132: Slow Day...San Diego?
K - so this is obviously a very slow day at work. I'm trying to stay busy but I can't. This is why I really need a full-time job that keeps me busy. I sit around at work and type on my blog or check my e-mail incessantly - and I don't like doing that at work but I've gotten used to it - that's a bad thing.
My friend in CA responded to an e-mail that I sent earlier today. In it, she encouraged me to move to San Diego...back to my home state. I'd be living in the same city as a mutual friend of ours and I would be closer to her. She's just had two kids (little girls) and I haven't seen them in person yet. It would be nice to be closer to my own family, too, (especially my niece and nephews) but the thought of moving to CA is not super enticing. If I were going with my husband or my parents, maybe. But leaving my parents here and my friends here isn't something that I'm ready for yet. I may be open to it but I'm not ready for it - especially since I checked the amount of apartment rentals.
ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS! I know it shouldn't surprise me since I'm from there and know how expensive it is...but a modest one-bedroom, 690 sq. ft. apartment starts at $1,099 - per month! That's more than a house payment back here! I could have a house for that. So, yeah, I'd gain beach access and views but is it worth that much a month for just one bedroom? To me, not right now. If I were moneybags though, I'd buy a place in which to use when I visit - alas, moneybags, I am not - unless I win the lottery and I've only won $4 so far...so I'm guessing that that isn't a valid option. :-)
But it's nice to daydream and think of what if's - it's really why I should be a writer. It's just taking forever to get there. And I'm more and more convinced everyday that that's what I should be. It's only a matter of time before I find my niche in writing and start succeeding...but it's the waiting and the wondering and the patience it's taking to persevere. I am going to be so strong after all of this...and I know that God is going to bring me out of it. I just have to keep the faith and keep allowing him to mold me - even if it hurts sometimes.
My friend in CA responded to an e-mail that I sent earlier today. In it, she encouraged me to move to San Diego...back to my home state. I'd be living in the same city as a mutual friend of ours and I would be closer to her. She's just had two kids (little girls) and I haven't seen them in person yet. It would be nice to be closer to my own family, too, (especially my niece and nephews) but the thought of moving to CA is not super enticing. If I were going with my husband or my parents, maybe. But leaving my parents here and my friends here isn't something that I'm ready for yet. I may be open to it but I'm not ready for it - especially since I checked the amount of apartment rentals.
ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS! I know it shouldn't surprise me since I'm from there and know how expensive it is...but a modest one-bedroom, 690 sq. ft. apartment starts at $1,099 - per month! That's more than a house payment back here! I could have a house for that. So, yeah, I'd gain beach access and views but is it worth that much a month for just one bedroom? To me, not right now. If I were moneybags though, I'd buy a place in which to use when I visit - alas, moneybags, I am not - unless I win the lottery and I've only won $4 so far...so I'm guessing that that isn't a valid option. :-)
But it's nice to daydream and think of what if's - it's really why I should be a writer. It's just taking forever to get there. And I'm more and more convinced everyday that that's what I should be. It's only a matter of time before I find my niche in writing and start succeeding...but it's the waiting and the wondering and the patience it's taking to persevere. I am going to be so strong after all of this...and I know that God is going to bring me out of it. I just have to keep the faith and keep allowing him to mold me - even if it hurts sometimes.
Post 131: Me: the Klutz
Um...so I jinxed myself further with the blog I just submitted about an hour ago. I'm now sitting at my desk with a hurt foot and the knowledge that until I leave for the day, I should NOT get back up from my desk (I'm not wondering if I shouldn't even go to the bathroom - I might just trip and hurt myself more).
And how it happened, well, it's too stupid. I had just finished carrying the unused and extremely heavy aforementioned rental guide boxes back to my desk, when I realized that I had left my card to get back into the building in my car. Having already reached the building door, I had to turn around and walk all the way back to my car which is in the very back of the parking lot. As I turned around, somehow my left foot didn't get the message - or rather it didn't get the whole message and moved errantly - because the next thing I knew I was WALKING on my little toe - FACE DOWN! Yeah, I can't figure it out either; how does that happen? It hurt. A lot. But I've learned that when you hurt yourself like that, you walk it off. Well, it didn't really work this time. I'm sitting with my foot not touching the floor (they really never do because it feels weird to me; I usually have my chair high enough that I can only touch the legs of it, not the floor) and it still hurts an hour later. I really hope I didn't do anything bad to it. I so don't want to go to the hospital. All I know right now is that I can't put my shoes back on still. Not a good sign.
Well, after I got back to my car, couldn't find my card. Then, like in the movies, it dawns on me that I may have just thrown it in the garbage. Hurt foot and all, I walk back towards the door and peek into the garbage - there it was - at the bottom. Did I tell you that I'm in a cute white dress with pink flowers on it? Yeah, so now I have to reach to the bottom of a germ-infested garbage can and get my card wearing white and with a hurt foot. Before you think it - yes, I could've asked the environmental services crew to do it for me but I live in the age after women's rights. I've learned that I have to do some things for myself and this is one of those things. But, to be honest with you, I hope to find a man one day that is a gentleman and doesn't allow me to do certain things unless I really want to (and this, well, I didn't really want to do this). So I was able to retrieve the card but had to lean on the can and stand on my tip toes - well, on the tip toes of my right foot as my left foot was up in the air with no weight on it. The only thing that would've made it funnier is if I fell head first into the garbage can with my legs flailing in the air and my dress over my head so you can see my ....... underwear (I'm not telling you what they look like; a man might be reading this). But thank goodness this is real life and not a cartoon - though, sometimes my life does resemble a cartoon.
Now, here I was now walking with a limp, my hands outstretched from my body with the fingers spread so as not to contaminate myself further and my germ-ridden card held between the tips of my forefinger and thumb of my right hand - which is kind of stupid because my hands are already contaminated. What disease is my dirty card going to add to my hands that they already don't have on them? Then another thought occurred to me. Where are my car keys? I look around again. Where are my car keys? Panic starts to invade as I hear a jingling. Oh, yeah - they're in my other hand. Idiot. Anyway, once I'm in the building (it's taken 10 minutes to park my car, find my card and and get back to my desk - it usually takes about 1 minute), I head straight for the bathroom to wash off what I can of the germs. I washed from my elbows to under my fingernails and I disinfected my card. When I got back to my desk, I put a large dab of hand sanitizer on my hands and worked it in to my elbows.
However, it is now lunchtime. Do I dare get up from my desk? Or do I stay glued to it until 5 p.m. and eat sugar cookies, brownies and hershey kisses for lunch - like I did for breakfast this morning? :-) We have a birthday a week here - no joke. There is always food.
By the way, my foot still hurts and my little toe is swollen. But at least today was interesting - I just hope it doesn't get more interesting unless it's in a good way. :-)
And how it happened, well, it's too stupid. I had just finished carrying the unused and extremely heavy aforementioned rental guide boxes back to my desk, when I realized that I had left my card to get back into the building in my car. Having already reached the building door, I had to turn around and walk all the way back to my car which is in the very back of the parking lot. As I turned around, somehow my left foot didn't get the message - or rather it didn't get the whole message and moved errantly - because the next thing I knew I was WALKING on my little toe - FACE DOWN! Yeah, I can't figure it out either; how does that happen? It hurt. A lot. But I've learned that when you hurt yourself like that, you walk it off. Well, it didn't really work this time. I'm sitting with my foot not touching the floor (they really never do because it feels weird to me; I usually have my chair high enough that I can only touch the legs of it, not the floor) and it still hurts an hour later. I really hope I didn't do anything bad to it. I so don't want to go to the hospital. All I know right now is that I can't put my shoes back on still. Not a good sign.
Well, after I got back to my car, couldn't find my card. Then, like in the movies, it dawns on me that I may have just thrown it in the garbage. Hurt foot and all, I walk back towards the door and peek into the garbage - there it was - at the bottom. Did I tell you that I'm in a cute white dress with pink flowers on it? Yeah, so now I have to reach to the bottom of a germ-infested garbage can and get my card wearing white and with a hurt foot. Before you think it - yes, I could've asked the environmental services crew to do it for me but I live in the age after women's rights. I've learned that I have to do some things for myself and this is one of those things. But, to be honest with you, I hope to find a man one day that is a gentleman and doesn't allow me to do certain things unless I really want to (and this, well, I didn't really want to do this). So I was able to retrieve the card but had to lean on the can and stand on my tip toes - well, on the tip toes of my right foot as my left foot was up in the air with no weight on it. The only thing that would've made it funnier is if I fell head first into the garbage can with my legs flailing in the air and my dress over my head so you can see my ....... underwear (I'm not telling you what they look like; a man might be reading this). But thank goodness this is real life and not a cartoon - though, sometimes my life does resemble a cartoon.
Now, here I was now walking with a limp, my hands outstretched from my body with the fingers spread so as not to contaminate myself further and my germ-ridden card held between the tips of my forefinger and thumb of my right hand - which is kind of stupid because my hands are already contaminated. What disease is my dirty card going to add to my hands that they already don't have on them? Then another thought occurred to me. Where are my car keys? I look around again. Where are my car keys? Panic starts to invade as I hear a jingling. Oh, yeah - they're in my other hand. Idiot. Anyway, once I'm in the building (it's taken 10 minutes to park my car, find my card and and get back to my desk - it usually takes about 1 minute), I head straight for the bathroom to wash off what I can of the germs. I washed from my elbows to under my fingernails and I disinfected my card. When I got back to my desk, I put a large dab of hand sanitizer on my hands and worked it in to my elbows.
However, it is now lunchtime. Do I dare get up from my desk? Or do I stay glued to it until 5 p.m. and eat sugar cookies, brownies and hershey kisses for lunch - like I did for breakfast this morning? :-) We have a birthday a week here - no joke. There is always food.
By the way, my foot still hurts and my little toe is swollen. But at least today was interesting - I just hope it doesn't get more interesting unless it's in a good way. :-)
Post 130: Antsy Pants
K - so I've come to a bit of a conclusion...I'm crazy...or at least getting antsy. My friend in CA might have just hit the nail on the head. To her, I seem very uncomfortable where I am and with her knowledge of my tendencies, usually when I get this antsy and uncomfortable in basically every aspect of my life things are changing. I started to think about that and you know what? She's right. Every time I feel this way (like I'm a child with ADHD; actually that's not too far from the truth but that's a whole other story we won't go into right now - another blog, another day), things do change in my life. I am uncomfortable - even to the point that I don't want to be home and am finding ways to be out and about (whether that's helping a friend move or eating or shopping or working out). I've made myself busy because I hate where I am. I really and truly absolutely hate it.
And that's partly why I'm stuck on this guy thing - DUH! He and I are friends - and though I can't look at him when he smiles or be close to him a lot because I feel all weak inside - he is just a friend. He's always been that way and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm focusing on it because it gets me out of my life for a moment. In fact, I've tried to encourage him, cooked for him, baked for him, let him come over early before some events, given him space and prayed for him. I can't do anything else and I shouldn't. Period. It's his turn but if it isn't meant to be, then you know what? That's okay. God has someone even better for me and that's exciting to know. But what God wants, I want. So, if it is meant to be, even for a little while, I'll follow through.
Otherwise, that's it. I'm not pursuing this further on my blog. I'm focusing on my job search, my writing and all the other crazy stuff that happens in my life. Seriously, I am a klutz! The moment I think I've gotten a handle on it, I'll bump my knee, hit my funny bone and stub my toe in a two minute period! Right now, I have a bruise on my ankle, one on my knee, one on my left thigh and smashed my finger between two 30 lb. boxes of rental guides. God must have created me for comic relief - at least partly. I mean, how can you have small feet (5 1/2 narrow) and manage to still trip over them? All I'm saying is that I'm blessed to have a small chest - if I was an ounce larger in that area, I'd fall over!
And that's partly why I'm stuck on this guy thing - DUH! He and I are friends - and though I can't look at him when he smiles or be close to him a lot because I feel all weak inside - he is just a friend. He's always been that way and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm focusing on it because it gets me out of my life for a moment. In fact, I've tried to encourage him, cooked for him, baked for him, let him come over early before some events, given him space and prayed for him. I can't do anything else and I shouldn't. Period. It's his turn but if it isn't meant to be, then you know what? That's okay. God has someone even better for me and that's exciting to know. But what God wants, I want. So, if it is meant to be, even for a little while, I'll follow through.
Otherwise, that's it. I'm not pursuing this further on my blog. I'm focusing on my job search, my writing and all the other crazy stuff that happens in my life. Seriously, I am a klutz! The moment I think I've gotten a handle on it, I'll bump my knee, hit my funny bone and stub my toe in a two minute period! Right now, I have a bruise on my ankle, one on my knee, one on my left thigh and smashed my finger between two 30 lb. boxes of rental guides. God must have created me for comic relief - at least partly. I mean, how can you have small feet (5 1/2 narrow) and manage to still trip over them? All I'm saying is that I'm blessed to have a small chest - if I was an ounce larger in that area, I'd fall over!
7.10.2006
Post 129: Sophmoric, cont.
In reference to my earlier blog today, maybe one of my friends from CA is right. I e-mailed her today and told her about my weekend. She responded with, "Well, I think you should give yourself a time period. If you don't have a job or a man by a certain date, then you should move to San Diego."
Maybe I should do just that. I have wonderful, wonderful friends here. But I long for a life with my own family and a career (or at least a job that can support me). If it isn't happening here (and it's been 10 years as of July 31 that I've lived here), maybe I should pick up and leave.
Not sure why she suggested San Diego (a mutual friend of ours lives there so it would be cool to live close to her) but it could work for me; plus it would be closer to her (a 6 hour drive). Who knows? I'm not closing my mind to anything at this point. I even had three friends talk to me about how they think I'd love New York. I could even end up there. I think it's way big for me but what do I know? I thought I'd be working on my second kid and my second or third novel by now. :-)
And what is it with me wanting to travel so much? I can only hope that the person God has chosen for me to spend the rest of my life with likes to travel because if I have the finances, I'd want to travel. Not all the time but at least once a year and to somewhere we haven't been before. I enjoy seeing new places. And I want to go to Disneyworld. I've never been there; to Disneyland, 100's of times but not DW. A friend of mine went with his brother's family earlier this year. I'm kind of jealous of him. It's one of the things on my list to do in my life and I still haven't done it. I used to want to get married there and do the whole Cinderella carriage thing. But I think I grew out of that. Though, as I get older, I'm kind of leaning toward getting married on a beach somewhere with just the most immediate family members and closest friends (my family is too large to have a big wedding; and I'm not willing to put my parents in financial stress over my wedding - though I've been told by both of them that I shouldn't worry because they'd work to give me the wedding of my dreams, regardless). Still, getting married at a beach would have it's advantages. It would be beautiful, serene, laid-back, we'd eat wonderful seafood and we'd already be at our honeymoon site (it's just a short trip to the hotel room). Hey, I'm 30 - by the time I'm married I will be so ready to be with my husband. Who wants to wait through the wedding day, reception and a flight to your destination - and then you'd probably be too tired and fall asleep? I'd rather already be there and get the party started right away, if you know what I mean. Of course, I have to get out of my "sophmoric" tendencies when it comes to adult romantic relationships but then again, the right person will correct all that. I'm not apologizing for my romantic desires, either. I do think there is someone for everybody. You just might have to go through a few imposters before you find them. Not what I want, but I doubt the two guys I'm interested in now will end up being my husband in the future (not even sure I'll even date either one since they aren't asking yet). I'm just looking to spend time with a man that I like to be around and makes me feel happy (at least for now). :-)
But if I don't find that soon, and I do come from a long line of movers, I just might have to start over elsewhere. :-)
Maybe I should do just that. I have wonderful, wonderful friends here. But I long for a life with my own family and a career (or at least a job that can support me). If it isn't happening here (and it's been 10 years as of July 31 that I've lived here), maybe I should pick up and leave.
Not sure why she suggested San Diego (a mutual friend of ours lives there so it would be cool to live close to her) but it could work for me; plus it would be closer to her (a 6 hour drive). Who knows? I'm not closing my mind to anything at this point. I even had three friends talk to me about how they think I'd love New York. I could even end up there. I think it's way big for me but what do I know? I thought I'd be working on my second kid and my second or third novel by now. :-)
And what is it with me wanting to travel so much? I can only hope that the person God has chosen for me to spend the rest of my life with likes to travel because if I have the finances, I'd want to travel. Not all the time but at least once a year and to somewhere we haven't been before. I enjoy seeing new places. And I want to go to Disneyworld. I've never been there; to Disneyland, 100's of times but not DW. A friend of mine went with his brother's family earlier this year. I'm kind of jealous of him. It's one of the things on my list to do in my life and I still haven't done it. I used to want to get married there and do the whole Cinderella carriage thing. But I think I grew out of that. Though, as I get older, I'm kind of leaning toward getting married on a beach somewhere with just the most immediate family members and closest friends (my family is too large to have a big wedding; and I'm not willing to put my parents in financial stress over my wedding - though I've been told by both of them that I shouldn't worry because they'd work to give me the wedding of my dreams, regardless). Still, getting married at a beach would have it's advantages. It would be beautiful, serene, laid-back, we'd eat wonderful seafood and we'd already be at our honeymoon site (it's just a short trip to the hotel room). Hey, I'm 30 - by the time I'm married I will be so ready to be with my husband. Who wants to wait through the wedding day, reception and a flight to your destination - and then you'd probably be too tired and fall asleep? I'd rather already be there and get the party started right away, if you know what I mean. Of course, I have to get out of my "sophmoric" tendencies when it comes to adult romantic relationships but then again, the right person will correct all that. I'm not apologizing for my romantic desires, either. I do think there is someone for everybody. You just might have to go through a few imposters before you find them. Not what I want, but I doubt the two guys I'm interested in now will end up being my husband in the future (not even sure I'll even date either one since they aren't asking yet). I'm just looking to spend time with a man that I like to be around and makes me feel happy (at least for now). :-)
But if I don't find that soon, and I do come from a long line of movers, I just might have to start over elsewhere. :-)
Post 128: Sophmoric tendencies
I am a child when it comes to dating. I have some little button that gets pressed when I get too close to a guy. It's kind of like that game show "Press Your Luck." I pretty much always land on whammies (boy, that was really a fun show - I loved when they got whammies). I'm seriously confused (or corn-fused is you're more used to the local lingo). I don't want to be attracted to any man that isn't attracted back. And if (that's a big IF) this one particular guy is attracted to me, well, he's going at a snails pace and I've about had it. I had a guy at a wedding this weekend talk to me like an adult and somewhat flirt with me from the moment we met. It was so nice. I didn't really flirt but I was attracted to the man and found myself very interested in what he was saying...and I held my own when we differed. I think he respected me for that. I don't think he'll ask me out but it was nice to have an adult conversation without your age or anything like that getting in the way. Still, I went home still feeling like a child when it comes to the opposite sex but slightly more confident.
I'm so not wanting to play any games. I wish I could just tell this guy that for some reason I'm attracted to him and if he is okay with that then we should go out. If he isn't, then maybe we should not see each other for awhile - at least until I can figure out where these feelings are coming from and why. But this is so not me; and I believe the guys should pursue the women they are interested in. Of course, when they do express interest, we (as women) have to meet them halfway. I can do that but only if he actually expresses interest in a way that is obvious. To his credit, he is a bit older and probably a lot more experienced than me so he could be very gunshy. Still, I've learned by this point in my life that if you don't go after you want, no matter what it costs you, you'll always wonder. I'm going after my writing career; I may fall flat on my face and end up so financially strapped that I have to claim bankrupcy but if I don't try, then I'm a coward. So, I'm doing it. I'm trying to find a way to afford to do it by getting any full-time job with benefits that I can do well enough for a few years while I pursue my goals. Then, if it doesn't work out, at least I'll know and have no regrets - and I'll be further out of debt - so I can pursue the next avenue.
When it comes to dating though, God makes it clear that he should pursue us. So I'm not wavering on that. I kind of want this wedding guy to want to spend more one on one time with me. I wouldn't go on a date, date with him yet but I'd at least meet him for coffee just to chat a bit more. We really didn't talk that much at the wedding alone but we chat enough for me to get to know him better personally. He seems like he'd be a good friend at least. Who knows? There's usually a three day waiting period. If it comes to Thursday and I haven't heard from him, then I know he was just a passing acquaintance. However, I do feel the urge to pray for him. I think he needs to find some peace. He's had a rough time of it, I think, so I want to pray God's peace over him. I think if he can find some peace, he'll be able to get over some of his past pains.
I'm so not wanting to play any games. I wish I could just tell this guy that for some reason I'm attracted to him and if he is okay with that then we should go out. If he isn't, then maybe we should not see each other for awhile - at least until I can figure out where these feelings are coming from and why. But this is so not me; and I believe the guys should pursue the women they are interested in. Of course, when they do express interest, we (as women) have to meet them halfway. I can do that but only if he actually expresses interest in a way that is obvious. To his credit, he is a bit older and probably a lot more experienced than me so he could be very gunshy. Still, I've learned by this point in my life that if you don't go after you want, no matter what it costs you, you'll always wonder. I'm going after my writing career; I may fall flat on my face and end up so financially strapped that I have to claim bankrupcy but if I don't try, then I'm a coward. So, I'm doing it. I'm trying to find a way to afford to do it by getting any full-time job with benefits that I can do well enough for a few years while I pursue my goals. Then, if it doesn't work out, at least I'll know and have no regrets - and I'll be further out of debt - so I can pursue the next avenue.
When it comes to dating though, God makes it clear that he should pursue us. So I'm not wavering on that. I kind of want this wedding guy to want to spend more one on one time with me. I wouldn't go on a date, date with him yet but I'd at least meet him for coffee just to chat a bit more. We really didn't talk that much at the wedding alone but we chat enough for me to get to know him better personally. He seems like he'd be a good friend at least. Who knows? There's usually a three day waiting period. If it comes to Thursday and I haven't heard from him, then I know he was just a passing acquaintance. However, I do feel the urge to pray for him. I think he needs to find some peace. He's had a rough time of it, I think, so I want to pray God's peace over him. I think if he can find some peace, he'll be able to get over some of his past pains.
7.06.2006
Post 127: Things are developing quickly, I hope
Okay, two things: I found out a little more about myself and I got two surprising phone calls. First, I came home to a message on my answering machine about a job opportunity. In the last 18 hours, I've talked to the staffing company twice and the person at the actual company once. I know that I'm definitely getting an interview. That's a plus. And it's here in Bloomington, has great benefits and is a company that she said had a lot of Christian employees/values. I didn't even ask her that. She just started rolling off facts and added that to it. Very good sign.
The second call coincides with me finding out a little more about myself. When I'm alone with a guy I like and I know he doesn't feel the same, I get very nervous, tongue-tied and find myself getting really fidgety - it has always been this way but until now, I thought it was a phase. It is not, apparently. Case in point: last night people came over to watch the space shuttle and space station pass overhead (it was really, really cool) but one person in particular (who has never called my home number, I might add) called to come over early and play cards. I didn't think anything of it since another friend was going to be there at the same time - I thought I was safe. I found myself, however, alone with this person for 20 minutes; my other friend was late. That was a good thing, right? Wrong. I was so uncomfortable. And it wasn't because of him; it was because of me not wanting to be alone with him for fear I'd let on something that he doesn't need to know. The last thing I want to do is make him feel weird around me. And I'm thanking God right now that he doesn't read this blog. I so don't need him knowing any of this until I have successfully moved on - if there is anything to move on from in the first place. I feel like I'm still in high school. It's really kind of annoying. Why can't I finally grow up in this area?
The other thing I learned about myself is that maybe, even though I have the desire to have a family one day, that I may have a long way to go since I can't seem to attract the right guys yet. I'm attracted to the right type of guys, just not the right one. That is further frustrating me.
So I'm very thankful for the interview coming up - it will keep my mind off things in my life that I seem to have no control over (feelings) and focus on things that will help me become financially stable (getting out of debt, finding a good job with benefits so I can keep writing on the side).
With one good thing, usually there's something that comes to complicate it. Maybe this is it. I can handle this...I can, really. I'm not a complete idiot but sometimes...I kind of wonder. :-)
The second call coincides with me finding out a little more about myself. When I'm alone with a guy I like and I know he doesn't feel the same, I get very nervous, tongue-tied and find myself getting really fidgety - it has always been this way but until now, I thought it was a phase. It is not, apparently. Case in point: last night people came over to watch the space shuttle and space station pass overhead (it was really, really cool) but one person in particular (who has never called my home number, I might add) called to come over early and play cards. I didn't think anything of it since another friend was going to be there at the same time - I thought I was safe. I found myself, however, alone with this person for 20 minutes; my other friend was late. That was a good thing, right? Wrong. I was so uncomfortable. And it wasn't because of him; it was because of me not wanting to be alone with him for fear I'd let on something that he doesn't need to know. The last thing I want to do is make him feel weird around me. And I'm thanking God right now that he doesn't read this blog. I so don't need him knowing any of this until I have successfully moved on - if there is anything to move on from in the first place. I feel like I'm still in high school. It's really kind of annoying. Why can't I finally grow up in this area?
The other thing I learned about myself is that maybe, even though I have the desire to have a family one day, that I may have a long way to go since I can't seem to attract the right guys yet. I'm attracted to the right type of guys, just not the right one. That is further frustrating me.
So I'm very thankful for the interview coming up - it will keep my mind off things in my life that I seem to have no control over (feelings) and focus on things that will help me become financially stable (getting out of debt, finding a good job with benefits so I can keep writing on the side).
With one good thing, usually there's something that comes to complicate it. Maybe this is it. I can handle this...I can, really. I'm not a complete idiot but sometimes...I kind of wonder. :-)
7.05.2006
Post 126: The aftermath..
K - so nothing bad happened but I just liked that title. It refers to the five-day marathon I had in preparing for a baby shower and my 4th of July cookout. And, I'm happy to report that everyone had a good time and that I'm, well, exhausted. I so enjoy throwing parties and having friends over but the day after the big event all I want to do is sleep - not go to work. My body is literally sore - which doesn't really make sense but that's exactly how it feels. I've been debating all day if I should go to the gym or not after work. I thought I'd decided firmly that I should just go home and rest. But now I'm wavering on that decision. I know that I'm tired but I'll feel a little better if I at least swim my laps. As soon as I do that, though, I know I'll want to do my weights - but then I'll be in the area where a certain person works out and I don't want to be there. It's not that I don't want to be around him - it's that I DO want to be around him. However, he doesn't feel the same about me so the more I avoid him or only have contact with him in group settings, the easier it will be for me to completely let go of any idea we'll ever go on a date. Plus, after the last few times of hanging out with him, he's way to reserved for me to even date. I just wish the guy wasn't so darn good-looking. Seriously, my whole life and many of my stories describe my perfect guy to look exactly like him. I am not joking. I described him before I knew him. It's so frustrating that he kind of really exists because he's so not interested and I'm coming to see so not right for me even though we have similar interests (actually, quite a few similar interests). In conclusion, I'm still wavering if I should go to the gym or not for fear I'd have to see him there.
Why is it that sometimes we have to live our lifes to avoid people? It's kind of sad. I mean, me going to gym in the mornings is not solely so that I avoid him in the afternoons - but it is definitely one of the major reasons why I do. I also try not to e-mail him directly, have deleted his phone number the few times he's called my cell phone (very few), have never asked specifically where he lived (I asked the area once or twice but that's it) and I try not to make eye contact with him for long periods - ever. His eyes are too amazing. I've even tried not to get personal in conversations with him. Still, he affects me - and that is driving me nuts! I still get these little feelings in my stomach and my knees get a little weak when I walk by him, sit next to him or stand by him. Ugh! Why am I allowing myself to be affected by somebody that God doesn't want me to be with? Why can't I just think of him as a friend? What is it that is hindering me? Is it me? Or is there a reason? Is there something that God wants me to help him with but it just isn't the right time so He's making me hang on until it's time? Or do I just have a serious crush and it won't go away until some other guy walks into my life? Too many questions need answers!
I told one of my friend's in an e-mail today that the whole situation had run it's course. But it's now a few hours later and I still talk about him - so I guess it hasn't yet run it's course but maybe it's getting closer. He has to have the reddest ears in the world - seriously. Maybe he'll read this one day and realize it's him I'm talking about - proceed to get mad at me that I talked about him on my blog site - then refuse to be friends. That would be an answer to my problem - not the best solution or one that I'd like to happen but it would settle the whole situation once and for all. If we weren't even friends, I can forget he ever existed and then I would forget that the guy that has the looks I've always wanted would still be a mystery. 'Cause let me tell ya - it sucks this way. I'd rather go back to my daydreams than have some sort of feelings for a guy that is so clueless in many ways - but still has the looks, smile and interests that I desire.
I may be a drama queen sometimes but, as you can tell, my life can be a drama. Not a very good one but one, nonetheless. I just can't help it. :-)
Why is it that sometimes we have to live our lifes to avoid people? It's kind of sad. I mean, me going to gym in the mornings is not solely so that I avoid him in the afternoons - but it is definitely one of the major reasons why I do. I also try not to e-mail him directly, have deleted his phone number the few times he's called my cell phone (very few), have never asked specifically where he lived (I asked the area once or twice but that's it) and I try not to make eye contact with him for long periods - ever. His eyes are too amazing. I've even tried not to get personal in conversations with him. Still, he affects me - and that is driving me nuts! I still get these little feelings in my stomach and my knees get a little weak when I walk by him, sit next to him or stand by him. Ugh! Why am I allowing myself to be affected by somebody that God doesn't want me to be with? Why can't I just think of him as a friend? What is it that is hindering me? Is it me? Or is there a reason? Is there something that God wants me to help him with but it just isn't the right time so He's making me hang on until it's time? Or do I just have a serious crush and it won't go away until some other guy walks into my life? Too many questions need answers!
I told one of my friend's in an e-mail today that the whole situation had run it's course. But it's now a few hours later and I still talk about him - so I guess it hasn't yet run it's course but maybe it's getting closer. He has to have the reddest ears in the world - seriously. Maybe he'll read this one day and realize it's him I'm talking about - proceed to get mad at me that I talked about him on my blog site - then refuse to be friends. That would be an answer to my problem - not the best solution or one that I'd like to happen but it would settle the whole situation once and for all. If we weren't even friends, I can forget he ever existed and then I would forget that the guy that has the looks I've always wanted would still be a mystery. 'Cause let me tell ya - it sucks this way. I'd rather go back to my daydreams than have some sort of feelings for a guy that is so clueless in many ways - but still has the looks, smile and interests that I desire.
I may be a drama queen sometimes but, as you can tell, my life can be a drama. Not a very good one but one, nonetheless. I just can't help it. :-)
6.29.2006
Post 124: Note to self...
...STOP BEING A DRAMA QUEEN!
Seriously, I feel like that's all I've been lately. Yesterday was not a good day at work. Not a good day. It wasn't an "I'm getting fired" kind of day but it was pretty darn close. At least, I would've fired me. I can't believe I forgot to do those things. Luckily, everyone has the same deadlines so it's like a good system of checks and balances (like our gov't is supposed to be). I just hate to be the one in the system that got checked on and pointed a finger at, though - and here I'm trying to find a full-time job that uses my skills of multi-tasking, administration and editorial talent. I kind of feel like I don't deserve it but my friends have assured me that they've been through those kind of days, too. I just nitpick sometimes and lately, with my tendencies toward the Drama Queen lifestyle, it was just too much to handle without going a little berserk.
I stayed home, relaxed and watched the NBA draft. Yes, I'm a girl but I like sports. I only watched the first round. It was kind of exciting - as drafts go. And it's so much quicker than the NFL draft - that one takes FOREVER! I really enjoy all the anchors at ESPN. They keep things interesting and love 'em or hate 'em - it's fun to analyze them. I mean, I so don't agree with some of thier advice - no matter how much they work around it and should know a lot - but it's fun to see the differing opinions. I LOVE STEPHEN A.! God bless the man who hired him! Brilliant move. I like Stuart Scott, Dan Patrick and the rest of them but SA keeps it real. He is one of a kind. His show is my favorite (after SportsCenter, of course).
Anyway, I am calm now. I also got back to the gym. My hormones were off and so was my metabolism. I'm sure they both had something to do with my reaction yesterday but I still could've handled it better. All I have to remember is to...
...STOP BEING A DRAMA QUEEN!
Seriously, I feel like that's all I've been lately. Yesterday was not a good day at work. Not a good day. It wasn't an "I'm getting fired" kind of day but it was pretty darn close. At least, I would've fired me. I can't believe I forgot to do those things. Luckily, everyone has the same deadlines so it's like a good system of checks and balances (like our gov't is supposed to be). I just hate to be the one in the system that got checked on and pointed a finger at, though - and here I'm trying to find a full-time job that uses my skills of multi-tasking, administration and editorial talent. I kind of feel like I don't deserve it but my friends have assured me that they've been through those kind of days, too. I just nitpick sometimes and lately, with my tendencies toward the Drama Queen lifestyle, it was just too much to handle without going a little berserk.
I stayed home, relaxed and watched the NBA draft. Yes, I'm a girl but I like sports. I only watched the first round. It was kind of exciting - as drafts go. And it's so much quicker than the NFL draft - that one takes FOREVER! I really enjoy all the anchors at ESPN. They keep things interesting and love 'em or hate 'em - it's fun to analyze them. I mean, I so don't agree with some of thier advice - no matter how much they work around it and should know a lot - but it's fun to see the differing opinions. I LOVE STEPHEN A.! God bless the man who hired him! Brilliant move. I like Stuart Scott, Dan Patrick and the rest of them but SA keeps it real. He is one of a kind. His show is my favorite (after SportsCenter, of course).
Anyway, I am calm now. I also got back to the gym. My hormones were off and so was my metabolism. I'm sure they both had something to do with my reaction yesterday but I still could've handled it better. All I have to remember is to...
...STOP BEING A DRAMA QUEEN!
6.28.2006
Good to know...
"...For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything."
1 John 3:20
Need I say more? Another 2x4 on my head. :-)
1 John 3:20
Need I say more? Another 2x4 on my head. :-)
6.27.2006
Post 123: Couldn't put it down...
...the book, I mean. It was great. I read the whole thing yesterday. All I did last night when I got home from work was to change clothes and lie on my bed, reading that book. I finished it at midnight. It was so great! But what's more is that it made me think about who I am and what I want as opposed to what God wants and who God wants me to be. The main character goes through the same emotions as me and really, she is me. Except, of course, I don't have the career, men falling at my feet and an indespensible bank account - but in every other way, she's me or I'm her. She doesn't have it figured out yet either but she knows that she's been cheating herself when it comes to God. I have so been cheating myself. I feel like a total hypocrite - completely and utterly a hypocrite. I have to be so honest here. I don't read my Bible everyday like I should. Yes, I pray non-stop and I know that's a good thing and it's important. But I seem to rely on the same verses and the same things. I'm not progressing; I'm not growing like I should. God is the center of my life - or is he? Am I fooling myself there, too? I mean, yes, I am A Christian and I have morals and values that I stick to regardless of what the people around me say or do - believe me, I've earned the white dress I will be wearing on my wedding day (and it will be bright white, not cream or ivory, but good 'ol plain white - well, it might have some sequins or embroidery but it will be all white). I am comfortable enough to say on this blog that I've never even kissed a guy yet. Yes, it's true. I know that some people may think that I should keep those kinds of details to myself but I'm proud of it. I think more people should be proud of things like this - they're more important and more worthy to be proud of than anything else. I don't think the first guy I kiss is going to be the only guy I kiss (my soulmate - it would be great but not realistic) but he is going to be a good guy and one that I trust at least. I haven't trusted most guys I've dated. The first man I trust will be the first man I kiss. So - yes, I will have earned that white dress.
But the above is not the only way I should be pursuing God's will. He gave me a gift to write. Actually, what I'm doing right now is a gift. I can be open and honest and real with people on the world wide web. Though I may not know the person reading this, I'm okay for them to read it - bad stuff and all. I know guys are scared of me becuase of this. I may be too open for them. But there are lots of things that only my closest friends know; and there will be things that only my soulmate will ever know (not my friends, not my parents, not my family). He will know me inside and out because he will be the one God brings to me (and vise versa - God brings me to him). So though I'm open and it's a gift, it's not all of me but it gives a good sense of me. A good enough sense that I know that I help people with what I say and what I write sometimes - it's just hard for me to acept that God uses me when I'm really such a wretched person.
I know that I have squandered my gift of writing a bit. It's my fault. I let other people determine my worth and what's worse, I didn't believe in myself even when God was clearly communicating to me how much I really am worth it to Him for Him to have died for me. But the writing business is hard and I've just started to pursue it. I am definitely going to learn perseverence by the time I succeed in it. I know I will succeed. I don't know in what way but I know I will succeed. I have belief in myself and I've done things to remind myself that I'm okay as a person just as I am. Not that I shouldn't grow and improve - I need to as we all do - but I have start from a good place. Now that I'm starting from a good place, I can move on. That was step one...step two is finding discipline when it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnell....which is what this whole "looking for a full-time job with benefits" thing is right now. I see no end in sight and the bank account is not looking good. Oh well. If it doesn't kill us, it makes us stronger. I'm looking forward to the strength. I need it. :-)
But I need to remember that the only strength worth having comes from only one source: God. His strength is all I need. Note to self: Don't be stupid - let Him do it. He knows what to do better than I do. :-)
But the above is not the only way I should be pursuing God's will. He gave me a gift to write. Actually, what I'm doing right now is a gift. I can be open and honest and real with people on the world wide web. Though I may not know the person reading this, I'm okay for them to read it - bad stuff and all. I know guys are scared of me becuase of this. I may be too open for them. But there are lots of things that only my closest friends know; and there will be things that only my soulmate will ever know (not my friends, not my parents, not my family). He will know me inside and out because he will be the one God brings to me (and vise versa - God brings me to him). So though I'm open and it's a gift, it's not all of me but it gives a good sense of me. A good enough sense that I know that I help people with what I say and what I write sometimes - it's just hard for me to acept that God uses me when I'm really such a wretched person.
I know that I have squandered my gift of writing a bit. It's my fault. I let other people determine my worth and what's worse, I didn't believe in myself even when God was clearly communicating to me how much I really am worth it to Him for Him to have died for me. But the writing business is hard and I've just started to pursue it. I am definitely going to learn perseverence by the time I succeed in it. I know I will succeed. I don't know in what way but I know I will succeed. I have belief in myself and I've done things to remind myself that I'm okay as a person just as I am. Not that I shouldn't grow and improve - I need to as we all do - but I have start from a good place. Now that I'm starting from a good place, I can move on. That was step one...step two is finding discipline when it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnell....which is what this whole "looking for a full-time job with benefits" thing is right now. I see no end in sight and the bank account is not looking good. Oh well. If it doesn't kill us, it makes us stronger. I'm looking forward to the strength. I need it. :-)
But I need to remember that the only strength worth having comes from only one source: God. His strength is all I need. Note to self: Don't be stupid - let Him do it. He knows what to do better than I do. :-)
6.26.2006
Post 122: She's Out of Control...
...actually, I'm out of control. Well, I'm not so much out of control as I find myself too much like a character in a book I just started reading today. Oh, how this Kristin Billerbeck knows the Christian woman's mind and character! She knows me! And she knows that guys don't understand us...me. :-)
Why is it so hard nowadays? Isn't it supposed to be easy? If it's supposed to be easy, then why isn't? I feel like I need to yell and scream at the top of my lungs but if I do that, I know things will only get worse.
I've just had so many conversations lately with Christian men, Christian women and non-believers about men vs. woman, that I just want to scream! Why is it that when I've finally made the decision to let go of all this stuff that it immediately rears it's ugly head right back into my life? I'm actually trying to let go of this stuff - but it isn't letting go of me. I feel so much like Ashley that I can't even laugh about it. I just want to find a good job, pay off my bills and start a family. Is that so much to ask? Can't things just work out for once? I'm so frustrated that I feel like a broken record.
I don't want to even be thinking about these things and I've tried desperately not to (no matter how much I've written on this blog). I'm starting to get the feeling that I can never not talk about this subject. It may be physically, mentally, socially and emotionally impossible for me to stop thinking about this subject until I have my first boyfriend. But I so just want to not worry about it anymore.
Please pray for me - seriously. I need to stop being around these types of conversations. It's driving me crazy! It keeps reminding me of where I've never been but where I want to be one day. I have too much right now to think about without this clouding my mind. I need it to go or to be resolved somehow.
Lord - Help!
Why is it so hard nowadays? Isn't it supposed to be easy? If it's supposed to be easy, then why isn't? I feel like I need to yell and scream at the top of my lungs but if I do that, I know things will only get worse.
I've just had so many conversations lately with Christian men, Christian women and non-believers about men vs. woman, that I just want to scream! Why is it that when I've finally made the decision to let go of all this stuff that it immediately rears it's ugly head right back into my life? I'm actually trying to let go of this stuff - but it isn't letting go of me. I feel so much like Ashley that I can't even laugh about it. I just want to find a good job, pay off my bills and start a family. Is that so much to ask? Can't things just work out for once? I'm so frustrated that I feel like a broken record.
I don't want to even be thinking about these things and I've tried desperately not to (no matter how much I've written on this blog). I'm starting to get the feeling that I can never not talk about this subject. It may be physically, mentally, socially and emotionally impossible for me to stop thinking about this subject until I have my first boyfriend. But I so just want to not worry about it anymore.
Please pray for me - seriously. I need to stop being around these types of conversations. It's driving me crazy! It keeps reminding me of where I've never been but where I want to be one day. I have too much right now to think about without this clouding my mind. I need it to go or to be resolved somehow.
Lord - Help!
6.22.2006
Post 121: Something exciting needs to happen...soon
Seriously, I am ready for something exciting to happen to me...good exciting. And not just something for today. It really needs to be something for my entire life. It's not that I don't appreciate the little things that sometimes come daily; they're nice, too. But I think it's about time that something went right for me. I'm sorry; I just don't want to be the friend anymore that is constantly looking for a job, a date, a career, a way to feel important. I want for something to finally happen. No more cancer in my family; no more submerging into debt; no more getting depressed because everyone thinks I'm great but I can't seem to get them to give me a job that will utilize my many skills.
Dang it - if I'm supposed to be a writer and feel so strongly about it, why can't I finally be one! Sometimes I feel like I'm writing for absolutely nothing! And then at the times that I'm most inspired, my stupid computer decides to break down and 'gasp' stops the keyboard from actually typing! Then I get so frustrated trying to fix it that I forget the brilliant idea I had in the first place - so I'm not even able to handwrite it. Ugh! I'm so frustrated that I'm almost making myself ill. Ugh!
The only thing that is good that is happening now is that I've been to the gym every morning this week and did my full exercise routine and actually gotten to work early or on time. I'm usually able to make myself feel better and find patience. But I'm losing my ability to do that - even with friends reminding me that I'm a good person and will find the right things at the right time. I know that they are right but can I be upset and annoyed for once in my life?! I try so hard to just let things go (and sometimes so much so that it isn't good for my sanity) but I'm just at a point in my life that I want things to go better. Have I actually seen the good in my life pass me by? Am I never ever going to get to a place where I can stand on my own or at least stand somewhat equal with my future mate in anything: spiritually, financially, emotionally, physically?
I don't know. I don't know a lot right now but I do know that I have to cling to things that make me happy - like Poker nights, 4th of July parties, going to the movies and generally hanging out with all the friends of mine that I completely trust and accept me for who I am (even if right now I'm so lost, confused and frustrated that I don't even like being around me).
Oh, yeah - and I even forgot to go to Bible study Tuesday. Yeah, it totally slipped my mind - though I got an e-mail and responded to it and everything. I just forgot. Things so need to change for the better soon. That's hard to see since we even have bad storms in our forcast for today. I really don't want it to storm today but I can't control the weather so I'll have to deal with it the best I can.
Dang it - if I'm supposed to be a writer and feel so strongly about it, why can't I finally be one! Sometimes I feel like I'm writing for absolutely nothing! And then at the times that I'm most inspired, my stupid computer decides to break down and 'gasp' stops the keyboard from actually typing! Then I get so frustrated trying to fix it that I forget the brilliant idea I had in the first place - so I'm not even able to handwrite it. Ugh! I'm so frustrated that I'm almost making myself ill. Ugh!
The only thing that is good that is happening now is that I've been to the gym every morning this week and did my full exercise routine and actually gotten to work early or on time. I'm usually able to make myself feel better and find patience. But I'm losing my ability to do that - even with friends reminding me that I'm a good person and will find the right things at the right time. I know that they are right but can I be upset and annoyed for once in my life?! I try so hard to just let things go (and sometimes so much so that it isn't good for my sanity) but I'm just at a point in my life that I want things to go better. Have I actually seen the good in my life pass me by? Am I never ever going to get to a place where I can stand on my own or at least stand somewhat equal with my future mate in anything: spiritually, financially, emotionally, physically?
I don't know. I don't know a lot right now but I do know that I have to cling to things that make me happy - like Poker nights, 4th of July parties, going to the movies and generally hanging out with all the friends of mine that I completely trust and accept me for who I am (even if right now I'm so lost, confused and frustrated that I don't even like being around me).
Oh, yeah - and I even forgot to go to Bible study Tuesday. Yeah, it totally slipped my mind - though I got an e-mail and responded to it and everything. I just forgot. Things so need to change for the better soon. That's hard to see since we even have bad storms in our forcast for today. I really don't want it to storm today but I can't control the weather so I'll have to deal with it the best I can.
6.15.2006
Post 120: Sensosketch
Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly playing the game Cranium but all the cards I get are sensosketches. If you are not familiar with the game, a sensosketch card is one that tells you that it is required by one of your teammates to draw the item with their eyes closed and your teammates have to guess what it is - in 60 seconds. You know what you're supposed to draw but you don't know what you're actually drawing because you can't see what you're doing.
Sensosketch is like a metaphor for my life: I know what I want/desire but I just can't seem to get there. In a sense, I'm totally blind to either what I'm doing, how to do it or what to do next.
Take, for example, my dating life. We all know that there is a gentleman that I like. I've prayed about it (to make me not desire him in anyway but if it's in God's will for us to date, to make it very clear to me - I need a lot of visuals). I have expected the former to happen - that God would help me to not like him - but lately there have been answers to the contrary. In fact, I became confident that something would happen; and then there was a situation where I thought it did. However, as soon as I adjust to the possibility that something might actually be going right in my life, some unknown force dives down and takes the wind right out of me - leaving me either back where I started with him or further away. Well, this is indeed what happened.
So besides the suckiness of still not finding a job that would help me financially and satisfy me enough to work hard, I'm still stuck in the suckiness of still not having a dating life.
But I know something exciting will happen to me soon. I just have to be patient. That's harder said than done. But I have a lot of practice in having to be patient in all these things - I mean, I'm 30 with still no career and still no prospect for a dating life (let alone family). And no matter how many times a particular guy friend of mine tries to encourage me that I can adopt or be artificially inseminated when the subject matter comes up on conversation, it's not the ideal. He just doesn't get it. He is not a woman who is desperately trying serve God's will but is unsure because what He keeps telling He wants for her is continually out of her grasp. My friend may have given up or have chosen to not get married or have a family but I can't. I won't Besides, I'm only 30; he's almost 40. It's not that it can't happen for him now but it's very unlikely that it will with his attitude. He is the guy; and God says to us women that He will send us a guy to pursue us. My friend has to pursue who he is attracted to; if it doesn't work out, it doesn't. He moves on (and believe me, he would have no problem getting women if he wanted; he is attractive, athletic and has a good heart. In fact, if I ever thought he'd be interested in me, I would change my thoughts about us just being friends - but that is highly unlikely). Then again I've never had this conversation with him so I don't know if there's a valid reason why he isn't married or doesn't want to be attached to a woman in some way. So, really, I have no reason to judge him. But I have valid reasons: I'm not being pursued by anyone that I'm also attracted to. I even try to force myself to be attracted to some that have but it doesn't work. I'm just not interested. I may be getting frustrated and impatient but I haven't lost all hope yet. Either he has or maybe has never had that desire. :-)
You know what? Sometimes it takes me writing on this blog to feel better about myself or right a wrong day. Because now that I think about it, my friend's life inspires me to handle my own better. Maybe for him being single is great but it isn't for me. I am going to be a great wife and mother. I can compromise well when I know I'm wrong and have not let other people take advantage of me as much as I've let them in the past. Though this has always been my weak point and what I was scared of in myself, it's getting better. I feel like I can stand on my own now when I should. Before, I was scared that my non-confrontational personality would land me in the wrong relationships. But now, I feel that I will be able to stand up for myself when I need to and back down when I know I'm wrong. Of course, I have to be a girlfriend before I can be a wife but at least I'm confident now that I can be one. Besides, with my my cooking ability and my love of sports, I'm going to be the perfect girlfriend and then one day the perfect wife and mom. Now if I could just find the perfect boyfriend...:-) Right now though, I'd settle for a date. :-)
Sensosketch is like a metaphor for my life: I know what I want/desire but I just can't seem to get there. In a sense, I'm totally blind to either what I'm doing, how to do it or what to do next.
Take, for example, my dating life. We all know that there is a gentleman that I like. I've prayed about it (to make me not desire him in anyway but if it's in God's will for us to date, to make it very clear to me - I need a lot of visuals). I have expected the former to happen - that God would help me to not like him - but lately there have been answers to the contrary. In fact, I became confident that something would happen; and then there was a situation where I thought it did. However, as soon as I adjust to the possibility that something might actually be going right in my life, some unknown force dives down and takes the wind right out of me - leaving me either back where I started with him or further away. Well, this is indeed what happened.
So besides the suckiness of still not finding a job that would help me financially and satisfy me enough to work hard, I'm still stuck in the suckiness of still not having a dating life.
But I know something exciting will happen to me soon. I just have to be patient. That's harder said than done. But I have a lot of practice in having to be patient in all these things - I mean, I'm 30 with still no career and still no prospect for a dating life (let alone family). And no matter how many times a particular guy friend of mine tries to encourage me that I can adopt or be artificially inseminated when the subject matter comes up on conversation, it's not the ideal. He just doesn't get it. He is not a woman who is desperately trying serve God's will but is unsure because what He keeps telling He wants for her is continually out of her grasp. My friend may have given up or have chosen to not get married or have a family but I can't. I won't Besides, I'm only 30; he's almost 40. It's not that it can't happen for him now but it's very unlikely that it will with his attitude. He is the guy; and God says to us women that He will send us a guy to pursue us. My friend has to pursue who he is attracted to; if it doesn't work out, it doesn't. He moves on (and believe me, he would have no problem getting women if he wanted; he is attractive, athletic and has a good heart. In fact, if I ever thought he'd be interested in me, I would change my thoughts about us just being friends - but that is highly unlikely). Then again I've never had this conversation with him so I don't know if there's a valid reason why he isn't married or doesn't want to be attached to a woman in some way. So, really, I have no reason to judge him. But I have valid reasons: I'm not being pursued by anyone that I'm also attracted to. I even try to force myself to be attracted to some that have but it doesn't work. I'm just not interested. I may be getting frustrated and impatient but I haven't lost all hope yet. Either he has or maybe has never had that desire. :-)
You know what? Sometimes it takes me writing on this blog to feel better about myself or right a wrong day. Because now that I think about it, my friend's life inspires me to handle my own better. Maybe for him being single is great but it isn't for me. I am going to be a great wife and mother. I can compromise well when I know I'm wrong and have not let other people take advantage of me as much as I've let them in the past. Though this has always been my weak point and what I was scared of in myself, it's getting better. I feel like I can stand on my own now when I should. Before, I was scared that my non-confrontational personality would land me in the wrong relationships. But now, I feel that I will be able to stand up for myself when I need to and back down when I know I'm wrong. Of course, I have to be a girlfriend before I can be a wife but at least I'm confident now that I can be one. Besides, with my my cooking ability and my love of sports, I'm going to be the perfect girlfriend and then one day the perfect wife and mom. Now if I could just find the perfect boyfriend...:-) Right now though, I'd settle for a date. :-)
6.13.2006
Post 119: Success
"Coming together is a beginning, staying together is progress, and working together is success." Henry Ford
This is my new favorite quote. It's so simple but so right. It applies to life in general and all the little things in between - work, business, friendships, marraige, events. Why can't life be as easy as following a quote/verse? I mean, if I can begin to come together with a person, stay with them through thick and thin and then continue to work with them (compromise), then I'd succeed much more often. I'd either have my own business or a career (actually have a job that satisfies me), friendships that are even stronger and, while we're at it, a romantic relationship (which can be qualified in any or all of these ways: dating, boyfriend, marriage).
Henry Ford was a very bright man. He really was one person who changed the world just by being who he was created to be. We all can be that. The old saying, "You may be only one person in the world but you may mean the world to one person" is applicable to each and every one of us. Henry Ford was this person in a big way because of his determination, his dreams, his desire to succeed and his willingness to work with people. I can be this kind of person, too. I don't have to invent cars or combustable engines or whatever. I can be just me.
BTW, I drive a Ford. :-)
This is my new favorite quote. It's so simple but so right. It applies to life in general and all the little things in between - work, business, friendships, marraige, events. Why can't life be as easy as following a quote/verse? I mean, if I can begin to come together with a person, stay with them through thick and thin and then continue to work with them (compromise), then I'd succeed much more often. I'd either have my own business or a career (actually have a job that satisfies me), friendships that are even stronger and, while we're at it, a romantic relationship (which can be qualified in any or all of these ways: dating, boyfriend, marriage).
Henry Ford was a very bright man. He really was one person who changed the world just by being who he was created to be. We all can be that. The old saying, "You may be only one person in the world but you may mean the world to one person" is applicable to each and every one of us. Henry Ford was this person in a big way because of his determination, his dreams, his desire to succeed and his willingness to work with people. I can be this kind of person, too. I don't have to invent cars or combustable engines or whatever. I can be just me.
BTW, I drive a Ford. :-)
6.12.2006
Post 118: NBA Finals
Ok, so, I'm extremely happy that the Mavs are up 2 games on the Heat. Not a Heat fan. You might think that I would be since Pat Riley and Shaq happen to cohabitate on that team. I like Pat Riley for helping to bring us all those championships in the 80's but Shaq...well, it's a well-known fact that I didn't like him when he was a Laker. I did put my feelings aside because he was instrumental in bringing us more championships - I even defended him to friends that tried to convince me that he was a terrible baller - I didn't need convincing but I wasn't going to let anyone knock my team (even if, deep down, I knew they were right). So, I was never really a fan of Shaq's but I gave him his due.
Now, though, I'm very happy that he's losing. I'm sure he's a wonderful guy - I can't judge him because I've never met him. But I'm a Laker fan at heart and feel like Diesel got a little too big for his britches (and that's hard to do). It was the right move for him to leave and Kobe to stay. And besides, Shaq is winning because he went to a very talented team and gets to play alongside Dwayne Wade. He had the same thing in L.A. (well, before that last fateful year together - too many superstars on one team is not a good thing). Kobe hasn't; but he's inspired the talent that we have to be the best that they can be; he's making the people around him better even when he's throwing 81 down. People seem to miss that he's gotten the guys around him to play better. The team does better when they are all playing, not just when Kobe is hot. Isn't that the mark of a good team in the making? Isn't that what's going on in Dallas?
And isn't it great that an owner who is so into his team and really cares has a good chance to be on top finally? I don't always agree with Cubans actions but his heart I definitely agree with. He is who he is and he doesn't apologize for it. That's someone I can support and get behind - and that's why I really hope the Mavs win. I think the whole organization deserves (even if they are located a hop, skip and a jump from the Cowboys - I'm a Niner fan through and through and to be a Faithful Niner, you must hate the Dallas Cowboys).
I can't wait to watch Game 3 - wouldn't it be great if the Mavs swept the Heat? I think so.
Now, though, I'm very happy that he's losing. I'm sure he's a wonderful guy - I can't judge him because I've never met him. But I'm a Laker fan at heart and feel like Diesel got a little too big for his britches (and that's hard to do). It was the right move for him to leave and Kobe to stay. And besides, Shaq is winning because he went to a very talented team and gets to play alongside Dwayne Wade. He had the same thing in L.A. (well, before that last fateful year together - too many superstars on one team is not a good thing). Kobe hasn't; but he's inspired the talent that we have to be the best that they can be; he's making the people around him better even when he's throwing 81 down. People seem to miss that he's gotten the guys around him to play better. The team does better when they are all playing, not just when Kobe is hot. Isn't that the mark of a good team in the making? Isn't that what's going on in Dallas?
And isn't it great that an owner who is so into his team and really cares has a good chance to be on top finally? I don't always agree with Cubans actions but his heart I definitely agree with. He is who he is and he doesn't apologize for it. That's someone I can support and get behind - and that's why I really hope the Mavs win. I think the whole organization deserves (even if they are located a hop, skip and a jump from the Cowboys - I'm a Niner fan through and through and to be a Faithful Niner, you must hate the Dallas Cowboys).
I can't wait to watch Game 3 - wouldn't it be great if the Mavs swept the Heat? I think so.
6.05.2006
Post 117: High School Crush
Sometimes I feel like I'm back in high school. In fact, I thought about a high school crush of mine the other day. He was a soccer player. Our boys won the title that year and I put them on the front page of the newspaper. Actually, there were two on the team that I kind of had crushes on but we just didn't hang in the same circles - if you know what I mean. Anyway, he came to mind because I was reading the current issue of Sports Illustrated which has four of our US Soccer players on the cover. Plus, I was thinking about my whole little "boy" issue that I've been writing a lot about lately. I've also had a couple conversations with some of my women friends about men we know right now and are interested in so I've just started to feel like I'm back in high school.
But, if you really think about it, aren't we always "still in high school?" I mean, when does that time period in our lives never effect what we're doing now? It seems to me that whatever happened to us in high school affects the rest of our lives. Whether that is negatively or positively isn't the issue. It's that what happened then shaped where we wanted to go - either we refused to be anything like ourselves back then or we found ourselves then and just wanted to stay that way.
I don't regret my high school experiences but I do know that I want my kids to do a little more than I did. I want them to try out for sports and be more involved in student government, if they have those interests. I was always interested in lots of things but lacked the confidence in myself to even try them. I just never felt people would accept me if I failed. But I'm beginning to see that any failures I had in front of people may have given me respect from those same people - but I never even tried.
I didn't show interest in guys that I had crushes on either. I don't regret that but I can see that it is a behavior that I've taken into adulthood. There are reasons why we are attracted to everyone that we are personally attracted to but sometimes we just don't act on them for one reason or another. I'm beginning to think that that is wrong. It's not that we should go after every person that we like but we should at least find out why we are attracted to them - and there are other ways to do that than to go out on a date. For example, I previously made a committment to get to know one of my guy friends better because I found myself unexpectedly attracted to him in more than a friendly way. So, instead of calling him up and asking him, "Will you go out with me?", I have made attempts to converse with him more one on one or in a small group. I have to find out where my attraction to him lies and if it's enough to let him know in some way that I am interested in him. I think it's important that we're cautious but not so much that we do nothing - which is what has been my M.O. in the past.
I was very proud of myself for yesterdays small coup. There was a cookout yesterday at a friends and I made myself part of several conversations that I would have previously backed out of because I was attracted to the guy and didn't want to make him think that I liked him. Instead of letting him or anyone else start the conversation, I started it. It's easy for me to start something with some of my women friends but guys? That's so hard for me - especially with ones that I'm attracted to. So, I made another small step yesterday when it comes to being more social with men. And I'm saying this because unless we're talking about sports, I usually don't talk to guys. I mean, I talk to my guy friends now mostly about sports and that's why I think I have so many now - because we can all get together and converse that way and it feel easy (but that's also because two of them have never known that I was once attracted to both of them). It's easy for me to talk that way but to just ask about their normal lives, it's so hard for me to do that and not give away that I like them so I just don't talk to them about their personal lives. I kind of just let them reveal themselves to me if they so happen to do that.
But that stops now. How am I going to figure out reasons why I'm attracted to certain guys if I don't get to know them. So, short of dating, I'm going to treat them the same as my other friends - unless there's a point that it's definite there's a mutual attraction there. But I have to speak to them before anything can happen. I mean, goodness, what's wrong with me? Nobody can grow in relationship, even if it's just a friendship, if you never talk.
It's so simple, isn't it? But, unfortunately, sometimes the simple things are hard to do...like pressing send on an e-mail to submit your first story. It's easy but it took me at least 10 years to finally do it. :-) I just hope it doesn't take me that long for the next step. :-)
But, if you really think about it, aren't we always "still in high school?" I mean, when does that time period in our lives never effect what we're doing now? It seems to me that whatever happened to us in high school affects the rest of our lives. Whether that is negatively or positively isn't the issue. It's that what happened then shaped where we wanted to go - either we refused to be anything like ourselves back then or we found ourselves then and just wanted to stay that way.
I don't regret my high school experiences but I do know that I want my kids to do a little more than I did. I want them to try out for sports and be more involved in student government, if they have those interests. I was always interested in lots of things but lacked the confidence in myself to even try them. I just never felt people would accept me if I failed. But I'm beginning to see that any failures I had in front of people may have given me respect from those same people - but I never even tried.
I didn't show interest in guys that I had crushes on either. I don't regret that but I can see that it is a behavior that I've taken into adulthood. There are reasons why we are attracted to everyone that we are personally attracted to but sometimes we just don't act on them for one reason or another. I'm beginning to think that that is wrong. It's not that we should go after every person that we like but we should at least find out why we are attracted to them - and there are other ways to do that than to go out on a date. For example, I previously made a committment to get to know one of my guy friends better because I found myself unexpectedly attracted to him in more than a friendly way. So, instead of calling him up and asking him, "Will you go out with me?", I have made attempts to converse with him more one on one or in a small group. I have to find out where my attraction to him lies and if it's enough to let him know in some way that I am interested in him. I think it's important that we're cautious but not so much that we do nothing - which is what has been my M.O. in the past.
I was very proud of myself for yesterdays small coup. There was a cookout yesterday at a friends and I made myself part of several conversations that I would have previously backed out of because I was attracted to the guy and didn't want to make him think that I liked him. Instead of letting him or anyone else start the conversation, I started it. It's easy for me to start something with some of my women friends but guys? That's so hard for me - especially with ones that I'm attracted to. So, I made another small step yesterday when it comes to being more social with men. And I'm saying this because unless we're talking about sports, I usually don't talk to guys. I mean, I talk to my guy friends now mostly about sports and that's why I think I have so many now - because we can all get together and converse that way and it feel easy (but that's also because two of them have never known that I was once attracted to both of them). It's easy for me to talk that way but to just ask about their normal lives, it's so hard for me to do that and not give away that I like them so I just don't talk to them about their personal lives. I kind of just let them reveal themselves to me if they so happen to do that.
But that stops now. How am I going to figure out reasons why I'm attracted to certain guys if I don't get to know them. So, short of dating, I'm going to treat them the same as my other friends - unless there's a point that it's definite there's a mutual attraction there. But I have to speak to them before anything can happen. I mean, goodness, what's wrong with me? Nobody can grow in relationship, even if it's just a friendship, if you never talk.
It's so simple, isn't it? But, unfortunately, sometimes the simple things are hard to do...like pressing send on an e-mail to submit your first story. It's easy but it took me at least 10 years to finally do it. :-) I just hope it doesn't take me that long for the next step. :-)
6.02.2006
Post 116: A little more confident
I finally did it! I had enough confidence in myself to send one of my stories out. I actually, really and truly, submitted a story to the Writer's Digest contest. Though I'm having serious doubts that not more than one of the judges will even like it enough to read it through, I still took a huge step. I'm very proud of myself but know that it is only a start. Of course, I won't know how good of a start until October (when they contact the winners) but its' a start. Now that I've taken the first step, it doesn't feel so bad. So...I need to find other contests or magazines and just start submitting to them. I fully realize that it may take me 100 tries before I sell one, win a contest with one, or even just get into a publication for free but - now that I've taken that first step - it will get easier to allow someone to read my writing and critique it. How am I going to get better or achieve my life-long dream if I don't get out there? I won't. So, needless to say, I'm excited that I finally took the first step.
This last recent trip to CA also made me discipline myself in areas of my life that I seriously lack it. Whether or not I make $15,000 or $50,000 a year, I need to manage my money better. What does this mean to me? It means no credit cards. None. It means that I pay off my debt and don't allow myself to have any more debt once I'm completely out of it - except if it's a mortgage. That would be good debt - and unless I'm a millionaire, I have to have a mortgage to own a house. I've relayed this message to my bible study and my closest friends, explaining to them that if I don't go to movies or out to dinner as much as in the past, that it isn't because of them. And I don't expect them to support me financially - even though they would if I asked. It's wonderful that they have accepted it and want to help me with my new disciplined lifestyle.
Though I'm not horrible with money, I'm not great with it so I'm really hoping God's choice of husband for me is also good with money - not stingy (we should still be able to enjoy life a little) - but knows how to handle it better than me. That's definitely a characteristic that I want in a husband. Of course, I'm going to have to date men that will turn out to be not the right one for awhile. But at least I know one more thing that will help me determine which one is God's pick for me. I'm completely convinced that the area of money is not my strong suit so my future mate has to complement me at least in this way: by being better at budgeting and money issues. :-)
Today is a beautiful day in Bloomington. Though I have to work all day today which is not usual (Friday's are only supposed to be 1/2 days for me), I'm excited to go for a walk with my friend after work. I've never walked on the Clear Creek Trail before so I'm really looking forward to it. And two of my friends wouldn't take no for an answer when I told them that I couldn't go to the movies tonight. Though I did protest, they are paying for my ticket because they want us all to be together tonight. But I haven't told them that I have a list and am going to pay them back one day when I'm back on my feet. It may be in treating them in the future or paying them back in cash, but I want to make sure that I don't ever take advantage of all the nice things that God has given me - and that includes my friends.
To be honest, my biggest sin is handling money. Not all my debt has been avoidable but about 1/3 to 1/2 of it certainly had the potential to be avoided. So spiritually, this has been the real issue to hinder a lot of the parts of my life - that includes dating and the like. I don't want to be involved with somebody seriously and then have to break up because he sees my financial woes. I know it may sound stupid but relationships are hard in the first place; bringing an issue into the relationship like money only burdens it more.
So there are lots of days that I'm relieved that no one is interested in me that I'd be interested in, too. On the other hand, I can't help wanting to date at an age that people expect to me to at least be married. I expected to be married by now. In fact, I had a friend that made a comment a few weeks ago in response to something I said. I said, "I should be married by then - at least by the time I'm 40." He joked, "That soon?" I'll admit that his comment hurt me a bit but it's kind of true. I have dated but I can tell you their names, what we did and what month/year it was. I've gone out with approximately 12 men in my life - most of those were one daters and none of them would even be remotely considered boyfriends. I have come to think of myself as 1) a late bloomer, 2) cautious of dating men not of the same spirituality as me, and 3) careful to pick out those guys I lust for and the guys I'm truly interested in having a relationship with. But I'm also scared to get hurt again - and there isn't anyone I know in my life now of the guys I'm interested in that are interested back. No offense to anyone who is reading this and may be one of the following, but I seem to attract way older men (try 20-30 years older), men who are between 250-300 pounds (and I'm not talking muscle) and men who have harsh personalities/want to control me. And I get a lot of the weird ones, too. You can tell that I'm not too blessed in the man department. I don't want to go out with a model-type or athlete per se, but he should at least take care of himself a little bit and be closer to my age with a personality that meshes with mine. That's it. I would even go out with a guy who is 40 if he and I had the right chemistry. But over 40 and under 25 would be a little much, I think. I mean, my parents are only 20 years older than me - it would be weird to go out with someone closer to my dads age than mine. And younger than 25? Well, that would be wierd, too, because let's face it - I'm not old enough to be robbing the cradle but I'm old enough to know that an early 20's guy is too immature for even me. The main fact of the matter is that he doesn't have to be drop dead gorgeous but I have to be attracted to him physically, spiritually and mentally. I've had some gems along the way but none of them worked - and the emphasis is on how few of them there have been (2, maybe 3). So I have to assume that these feelings I'm having for a certain guy right now are not God-sponsored, otherwise he'd be responding to me. And he isn't. So...it makes me relieved because I really need to focus on getting out of debt but sad that no one wants to be with me just like I am. And it would be nice to have support (finally) from someone who cares for me romantically and not one that's related or just a friend. I truly long for that type of relationship - no matter how hard people say it is or how they tell me I'm better off without it. Anything that takes at least a little work, is worth it. And God never meant for us to be alone. Some of us are meant for life-long celebacy and servitude but I know that I'm not one of those.
I know, I know. Everyone has the same trouble with relationships and money. I guess that I'm just more vocal about it. :-)
This last recent trip to CA also made me discipline myself in areas of my life that I seriously lack it. Whether or not I make $15,000 or $50,000 a year, I need to manage my money better. What does this mean to me? It means no credit cards. None. It means that I pay off my debt and don't allow myself to have any more debt once I'm completely out of it - except if it's a mortgage. That would be good debt - and unless I'm a millionaire, I have to have a mortgage to own a house. I've relayed this message to my bible study and my closest friends, explaining to them that if I don't go to movies or out to dinner as much as in the past, that it isn't because of them. And I don't expect them to support me financially - even though they would if I asked. It's wonderful that they have accepted it and want to help me with my new disciplined lifestyle.
Though I'm not horrible with money, I'm not great with it so I'm really hoping God's choice of husband for me is also good with money - not stingy (we should still be able to enjoy life a little) - but knows how to handle it better than me. That's definitely a characteristic that I want in a husband. Of course, I'm going to have to date men that will turn out to be not the right one for awhile. But at least I know one more thing that will help me determine which one is God's pick for me. I'm completely convinced that the area of money is not my strong suit so my future mate has to complement me at least in this way: by being better at budgeting and money issues. :-)
Today is a beautiful day in Bloomington. Though I have to work all day today which is not usual (Friday's are only supposed to be 1/2 days for me), I'm excited to go for a walk with my friend after work. I've never walked on the Clear Creek Trail before so I'm really looking forward to it. And two of my friends wouldn't take no for an answer when I told them that I couldn't go to the movies tonight. Though I did protest, they are paying for my ticket because they want us all to be together tonight. But I haven't told them that I have a list and am going to pay them back one day when I'm back on my feet. It may be in treating them in the future or paying them back in cash, but I want to make sure that I don't ever take advantage of all the nice things that God has given me - and that includes my friends.
To be honest, my biggest sin is handling money. Not all my debt has been avoidable but about 1/3 to 1/2 of it certainly had the potential to be avoided. So spiritually, this has been the real issue to hinder a lot of the parts of my life - that includes dating and the like. I don't want to be involved with somebody seriously and then have to break up because he sees my financial woes. I know it may sound stupid but relationships are hard in the first place; bringing an issue into the relationship like money only burdens it more.
So there are lots of days that I'm relieved that no one is interested in me that I'd be interested in, too. On the other hand, I can't help wanting to date at an age that people expect to me to at least be married. I expected to be married by now. In fact, I had a friend that made a comment a few weeks ago in response to something I said. I said, "I should be married by then - at least by the time I'm 40." He joked, "That soon?" I'll admit that his comment hurt me a bit but it's kind of true. I have dated but I can tell you their names, what we did and what month/year it was. I've gone out with approximately 12 men in my life - most of those were one daters and none of them would even be remotely considered boyfriends. I have come to think of myself as 1) a late bloomer, 2) cautious of dating men not of the same spirituality as me, and 3) careful to pick out those guys I lust for and the guys I'm truly interested in having a relationship with. But I'm also scared to get hurt again - and there isn't anyone I know in my life now of the guys I'm interested in that are interested back. No offense to anyone who is reading this and may be one of the following, but I seem to attract way older men (try 20-30 years older), men who are between 250-300 pounds (and I'm not talking muscle) and men who have harsh personalities/want to control me. And I get a lot of the weird ones, too. You can tell that I'm not too blessed in the man department. I don't want to go out with a model-type or athlete per se, but he should at least take care of himself a little bit and be closer to my age with a personality that meshes with mine. That's it. I would even go out with a guy who is 40 if he and I had the right chemistry. But over 40 and under 25 would be a little much, I think. I mean, my parents are only 20 years older than me - it would be weird to go out with someone closer to my dads age than mine. And younger than 25? Well, that would be wierd, too, because let's face it - I'm not old enough to be robbing the cradle but I'm old enough to know that an early 20's guy is too immature for even me. The main fact of the matter is that he doesn't have to be drop dead gorgeous but I have to be attracted to him physically, spiritually and mentally. I've had some gems along the way but none of them worked - and the emphasis is on how few of them there have been (2, maybe 3). So I have to assume that these feelings I'm having for a certain guy right now are not God-sponsored, otherwise he'd be responding to me. And he isn't. So...it makes me relieved because I really need to focus on getting out of debt but sad that no one wants to be with me just like I am. And it would be nice to have support (finally) from someone who cares for me romantically and not one that's related or just a friend. I truly long for that type of relationship - no matter how hard people say it is or how they tell me I'm better off without it. Anything that takes at least a little work, is worth it. And God never meant for us to be alone. Some of us are meant for life-long celebacy and servitude but I know that I'm not one of those.
I know, I know. Everyone has the same trouble with relationships and money. I guess that I'm just more vocal about it. :-)
5.22.2006
Post 115: Bad days
There's a very popular song on the radio right now - one that I actually like. It's not a fun song or a happy song or a club type song. No - it's a real song and a real sad song. But it's not so sad that it makes you cry. It does, however, make you sing along with the depressing lyrics and reflect upon your life - mainly the bad days. It also sneakily entertwines hope throughout the song. It's very, very subtle but it's there.
Well, I've had a series of bad days but I have been ironically calm. I feel hope, strength, love, grace, mercy, faith and a little bit of resignation. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? Well, I have to give over these bad days hoping that good days will come after. And I really need lots of good days.
In fact, I'm letting go of a few things. As you all well know, I've had an issue with my personal life. I have to constantly figure out why I don't date or don't seem to be attracted to the right person. Well, I have to not worry about that. I have one goal and it's too big to add to it. That goal is to find a full-time job with benefits so I can pay down my debt - no, so I can pay OFF my debt. Though it would be nice to be with someone finally who is attracted to me and I'm attracted back, that has to not be a concern for me. If it happens, it happens. But if it doesn't, I shouldn't worry about it. God's timing is His timing; mine isn't important.
But sometimes the bad days can make you reflect upon your life in a better way - you see things you hadn't seen before. You understand things better. I feel like I understand things better today than I have in a while. For example: I have liked a particular male friend of mine for awhile. I don't really know why since I don't really know a lot about him but yet there's an attraction there - on my end, anyway. His end - well, that's a bit confusing. He has been more vocal and physical in my presence lately. I don't mean in a sexual way or anything like that. He's just been more open, less reserved. I don't think that it's because he has an attraction to me all of a sudden. I think it's because he's finally comfortable with me as a friend. And that's good because I'm comfortable with him as a friend, too. And now, I'm getting to see that maybe that's why I've been so focused on that relationship - that I was confused on why he and I weren't better friends.
But then when I thought this morning about the whole thing, I realized something really, really important. Why should I even want to be with a man who more than likely doesn't want anything to do with marriage, kids or anything like that? I think it would be a waste if he spends his whole life alone but it would be worse if I ended up with someone like that. I don't want that - and I can't see him wanting a relationship with a woman that serious. If I've known him for awhile and can't see him in a relationship, then I need not to think of him in any other way than a friend. I'm not old but I'm old enough to not want to spend my time with someone who isn't at least interested in a dating relationship. He's older than even I am so why waste his or my time? I'm seriously praying that God will help me to let go of any desire to really spend much time with this guy because I don't want to get myself in a position to have to cover hurt feelings when there was never any use to having them in the first place.
Of course, if he and I end up somehow mutually attracted then I'll have to rearrange my thinking. But right now I only want to spend my dating life with guys who have the same or similar goals in life as me. I may go through several before I find the right one, but why spend time with the wrong type of guys? I don't know if this guy is the wrong type yet, but it's starting to look like it.
So, as I get on a plane tomorrow to fly to my grandfather's funeral, I'll have plenty to think and journal about to keep my mind off the coming grief - not so much my own as my family's and helping them to cope.
Well, I've had a series of bad days but I have been ironically calm. I feel hope, strength, love, grace, mercy, faith and a little bit of resignation. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? Well, I have to give over these bad days hoping that good days will come after. And I really need lots of good days.
In fact, I'm letting go of a few things. As you all well know, I've had an issue with my personal life. I have to constantly figure out why I don't date or don't seem to be attracted to the right person. Well, I have to not worry about that. I have one goal and it's too big to add to it. That goal is to find a full-time job with benefits so I can pay down my debt - no, so I can pay OFF my debt. Though it would be nice to be with someone finally who is attracted to me and I'm attracted back, that has to not be a concern for me. If it happens, it happens. But if it doesn't, I shouldn't worry about it. God's timing is His timing; mine isn't important.
But sometimes the bad days can make you reflect upon your life in a better way - you see things you hadn't seen before. You understand things better. I feel like I understand things better today than I have in a while. For example: I have liked a particular male friend of mine for awhile. I don't really know why since I don't really know a lot about him but yet there's an attraction there - on my end, anyway. His end - well, that's a bit confusing. He has been more vocal and physical in my presence lately. I don't mean in a sexual way or anything like that. He's just been more open, less reserved. I don't think that it's because he has an attraction to me all of a sudden. I think it's because he's finally comfortable with me as a friend. And that's good because I'm comfortable with him as a friend, too. And now, I'm getting to see that maybe that's why I've been so focused on that relationship - that I was confused on why he and I weren't better friends.
But then when I thought this morning about the whole thing, I realized something really, really important. Why should I even want to be with a man who more than likely doesn't want anything to do with marriage, kids or anything like that? I think it would be a waste if he spends his whole life alone but it would be worse if I ended up with someone like that. I don't want that - and I can't see him wanting a relationship with a woman that serious. If I've known him for awhile and can't see him in a relationship, then I need not to think of him in any other way than a friend. I'm not old but I'm old enough to not want to spend my time with someone who isn't at least interested in a dating relationship. He's older than even I am so why waste his or my time? I'm seriously praying that God will help me to let go of any desire to really spend much time with this guy because I don't want to get myself in a position to have to cover hurt feelings when there was never any use to having them in the first place.
Of course, if he and I end up somehow mutually attracted then I'll have to rearrange my thinking. But right now I only want to spend my dating life with guys who have the same or similar goals in life as me. I may go through several before I find the right one, but why spend time with the wrong type of guys? I don't know if this guy is the wrong type yet, but it's starting to look like it.
So, as I get on a plane tomorrow to fly to my grandfather's funeral, I'll have plenty to think and journal about to keep my mind off the coming grief - not so much my own as my family's and helping them to cope.
5.18.2006
Post 114: Playing the waiting game...again
Sometimes, I think life is all about waiting. We wait for clients to get back with us; wait for our order to come in; wait for a phone call from a family member that we already know is going to bring bad news; wait to hear back from possible future employers; and generally wait for the good things to happen to us.
Or...could it really be that life is all about patience? Instead of thinking of it as waiting, we should be thinking of it as an exercise in patience. Well, the key word in that sentence is should. We don't really do this well, do we? I know that I sometimes don't. I'm trying my best to be patient and live while I'm waiting for the inevitable but every day it gets harder and harder. I have been changing to a point that I want to get things done as soon as I can. I've never really been that way before. I don't want to leave loose ends - in fact, I can't sleep at all if I go to bed without something done. If there is a project that isn't completed that should be, I physically can't sleep (which is frustrating because I now know that I may never tackle my life-long sleeping problems). And I haven't slept well for the past two nights. The culprit? Forgetting to pay two bills that are now late. They are paid as of today but the stress of incurring late charges on top of a looming plane ticket and 3 days of non pay at work because I don't get paid vacation time doesn't help, either. And I have to pay for my submissions to the Reader's Digest contest, which I'm fairly sure won't be money that I'll get back in any way - the only way I'd get back what I'm going to spend is if I'm in the top ten chosen. The prize money would be my refund. But I know I have to do it so I'm looking at it as an investment in my future - whatever that may turn out to be. :-)
Well, everyone here who thought they might have to build an ark if it kept raining everyday is sending all their supplies to New England - where they should have already built one! I'm kidding about this of course. No one bought supplies for an ark but just thinking about what they are going through up there is humbling. And that they are being positive and joking to boot - that says a lot about the people there. I haven't read one article that didn't have a positivity to it from the quotes that were taken from local people. They've accepted it and making the best of the situation. They are light-hearted and that's encouraging - and also uncharacteristic of most Americans nowadays.
Well, I better go to lunch. I have a new project at work that I have to do over the next two days. It's not very fun but it will help the sales reps during a very, very busy time. I think this project is solidifying the fact that I don't like to be rejected - and I don't like cold calling. It's not something I'm comfortable with but I want to do a good job because I want to help our hard working sales reps. They are all such nice people and very good at what they do. It's hard to find sales people like that anywhere anymore - let alone all in the same room. :-)
Or...could it really be that life is all about patience? Instead of thinking of it as waiting, we should be thinking of it as an exercise in patience. Well, the key word in that sentence is should. We don't really do this well, do we? I know that I sometimes don't. I'm trying my best to be patient and live while I'm waiting for the inevitable but every day it gets harder and harder. I have been changing to a point that I want to get things done as soon as I can. I've never really been that way before. I don't want to leave loose ends - in fact, I can't sleep at all if I go to bed without something done. If there is a project that isn't completed that should be, I physically can't sleep (which is frustrating because I now know that I may never tackle my life-long sleeping problems). And I haven't slept well for the past two nights. The culprit? Forgetting to pay two bills that are now late. They are paid as of today but the stress of incurring late charges on top of a looming plane ticket and 3 days of non pay at work because I don't get paid vacation time doesn't help, either. And I have to pay for my submissions to the Reader's Digest contest, which I'm fairly sure won't be money that I'll get back in any way - the only way I'd get back what I'm going to spend is if I'm in the top ten chosen. The prize money would be my refund. But I know I have to do it so I'm looking at it as an investment in my future - whatever that may turn out to be. :-)
Well, everyone here who thought they might have to build an ark if it kept raining everyday is sending all their supplies to New England - where they should have already built one! I'm kidding about this of course. No one bought supplies for an ark but just thinking about what they are going through up there is humbling. And that they are being positive and joking to boot - that says a lot about the people there. I haven't read one article that didn't have a positivity to it from the quotes that were taken from local people. They've accepted it and making the best of the situation. They are light-hearted and that's encouraging - and also uncharacteristic of most Americans nowadays.
Well, I better go to lunch. I have a new project at work that I have to do over the next two days. It's not very fun but it will help the sales reps during a very, very busy time. I think this project is solidifying the fact that I don't like to be rejected - and I don't like cold calling. It's not something I'm comfortable with but I want to do a good job because I want to help our hard working sales reps. They are all such nice people and very good at what they do. It's hard to find sales people like that anywhere anymore - let alone all in the same room. :-)
5.16.2006
Post 113: He's just not that into you...
So, I'm not sure if I need to read this book or not. I guess I just want to know why I am attracted to men who aren't available - for a plethora of reasons? I'm reading this book right now called Passion and Purity. It was given to me from a friend to read, maybe it will provide me with some insights. I think that what I'm learning so far is that women and men are much the same now than they ever were when it comes to dating: both sexes are insecure about the other.
I can definitely see this in me. I'm a girl...and traditionally girls don't ask boys out. I'm a traditional girl...I have no desire to ask a guy out; he needs to pursue me. So what do you do when a guy that you have no interest in - even if you actually try to find their good sides - pursues you? How does it build your confidence that a guy you're not interested in likes you but the guy that you have interest in - no matter how hard you try not to - doesn't? The simple fact is that this has been my life to now and it hasn't given me any confidence that, though God continually answers my prayers that I will have a family one day, I will succeed in this. Add to that the fact that guys are now shy, well, you have a conundrum for women like me. Women like all of my single women friends who are attractive, have wonderful hearts, are athletic and outdoorsy, and are so much fun to be around find themselves still single into their 30's. If we don't change who we are and what we believe in, we will stay single - because the guys that are meant for us are too shy and insecure nowadays.
But I'm also convinced that there has to be a balance somewhere. I just haven't found it yet. What I have been able to figure out is that flirting is needed - not heavy flirting or sexual flirting but somewhere in between - on both ends, especially mine. I'm really bad at this - really, really bad. In fact, a little known thing about me is that I tend to do the same thing with guys I like and guys I don't like - I avoid them like a plague or sit on the other side of the room and try not to make eye contact. I avoid guys I don't like becuase I want to be sure they know I have no interest. But I avoid guys I do like because I'm so affected by them that I can't be around them too much - I get nervous and get clutzier than usual. There are a couple of my guy friends that I could be better friends with but I'm so nervous they'll find out that I'm attracted to them that I try to not make eye contact or hang out with them too much. Plus they both have the one thing that drives me crazy - great eyes. So, instead of having a chance at dating them or just being closer to them as friends, I have more of an aquaintance with them - leaving me distant.
The other thing is that I'm a slow bloomer. Yes, I want a husband and kids sooner than later but...that's a big but...a guy holding my hand for the first time is a big deal to me. I've yet to be comfortable with any guy I'm going out with to even hold my hand - so you can guess how important him kissing me is. I'm very cautious and I know that's becuase of how things have gone with my family. Divorce is not in my future check list. So, though I might be considered a little behind in the love department, it's for a good reason and I have less and less doubt that I won't fall in love with the wrong guy - or put any pressure on the next guy that I date to be my soulmate. That's just unrealistic. It's not that I don't think it happens, it does. And though it would be great to have this happen to me - to find out that God totally saved me for my soulmate in every way (and that does include kissing, I'll admit it) - it's not something that I'm planning on.
I know I'm being really open and personal about this subject but I know that there are women and men out there like I've written about on this blog - men and women like me. I want them to know that they are not alone and that I'm still learning about this men v women v love thing. I have faith that God's plan is perfect and this stuff will happen at the right time but that doesn't mean we don't still question, pray and grow. We have to learn about ourselves and others so we know what direction God is telling us to grow. He's told me through praying about situations that I need to be a little more proactive when it comes to the opposite sex. If he doesn't know that I like him or am at least intersted in getting to know him as a friend, then how is anything going to happen? Maybe not in words, but God has revealed to me, "It's not like men can read your mind. There's a reason why I made you different. You need to communicate with each other; you're partners, not clones." So, I have to be more forward.
So...I have picked one of my guy friends to pursue a closer friendship with; not a date. A little project, if you will...just to get to know him better because from what know of him, we have some of the same issues. Maybe we could help each other. If a date happens, great. If not, that will be fine, too. I'm thinking of it as, if nothing else, I'll make a better friend and learn a bit more about the opposite sex and myself at the same time. Plus, I'm fairly sure he doesn't read my blog so he may never know that I was at once attracted to him so there won't be any weirdness between us. And that's really important to me because the previous guy friends that I ended up dating, ended up no longer friends. It was sad and hurt a lot becuase they were good friends. I just realized that I didn't have romantic feelings for them and didn't want to lead them on. So, though it was my decision to not date, it was their decision to not be friends anymore.
I think I'll need a little bit of luck for the future. Wish me luck!
I can definitely see this in me. I'm a girl...and traditionally girls don't ask boys out. I'm a traditional girl...I have no desire to ask a guy out; he needs to pursue me. So what do you do when a guy that you have no interest in - even if you actually try to find their good sides - pursues you? How does it build your confidence that a guy you're not interested in likes you but the guy that you have interest in - no matter how hard you try not to - doesn't? The simple fact is that this has been my life to now and it hasn't given me any confidence that, though God continually answers my prayers that I will have a family one day, I will succeed in this. Add to that the fact that guys are now shy, well, you have a conundrum for women like me. Women like all of my single women friends who are attractive, have wonderful hearts, are athletic and outdoorsy, and are so much fun to be around find themselves still single into their 30's. If we don't change who we are and what we believe in, we will stay single - because the guys that are meant for us are too shy and insecure nowadays.
But I'm also convinced that there has to be a balance somewhere. I just haven't found it yet. What I have been able to figure out is that flirting is needed - not heavy flirting or sexual flirting but somewhere in between - on both ends, especially mine. I'm really bad at this - really, really bad. In fact, a little known thing about me is that I tend to do the same thing with guys I like and guys I don't like - I avoid them like a plague or sit on the other side of the room and try not to make eye contact. I avoid guys I don't like becuase I want to be sure they know I have no interest. But I avoid guys I do like because I'm so affected by them that I can't be around them too much - I get nervous and get clutzier than usual. There are a couple of my guy friends that I could be better friends with but I'm so nervous they'll find out that I'm attracted to them that I try to not make eye contact or hang out with them too much. Plus they both have the one thing that drives me crazy - great eyes. So, instead of having a chance at dating them or just being closer to them as friends, I have more of an aquaintance with them - leaving me distant.
The other thing is that I'm a slow bloomer. Yes, I want a husband and kids sooner than later but...that's a big but...a guy holding my hand for the first time is a big deal to me. I've yet to be comfortable with any guy I'm going out with to even hold my hand - so you can guess how important him kissing me is. I'm very cautious and I know that's becuase of how things have gone with my family. Divorce is not in my future check list. So, though I might be considered a little behind in the love department, it's for a good reason and I have less and less doubt that I won't fall in love with the wrong guy - or put any pressure on the next guy that I date to be my soulmate. That's just unrealistic. It's not that I don't think it happens, it does. And though it would be great to have this happen to me - to find out that God totally saved me for my soulmate in every way (and that does include kissing, I'll admit it) - it's not something that I'm planning on.
I know I'm being really open and personal about this subject but I know that there are women and men out there like I've written about on this blog - men and women like me. I want them to know that they are not alone and that I'm still learning about this men v women v love thing. I have faith that God's plan is perfect and this stuff will happen at the right time but that doesn't mean we don't still question, pray and grow. We have to learn about ourselves and others so we know what direction God is telling us to grow. He's told me through praying about situations that I need to be a little more proactive when it comes to the opposite sex. If he doesn't know that I like him or am at least intersted in getting to know him as a friend, then how is anything going to happen? Maybe not in words, but God has revealed to me, "It's not like men can read your mind. There's a reason why I made you different. You need to communicate with each other; you're partners, not clones." So, I have to be more forward.
So...I have picked one of my guy friends to pursue a closer friendship with; not a date. A little project, if you will...just to get to know him better because from what know of him, we have some of the same issues. Maybe we could help each other. If a date happens, great. If not, that will be fine, too. I'm thinking of it as, if nothing else, I'll make a better friend and learn a bit more about the opposite sex and myself at the same time. Plus, I'm fairly sure he doesn't read my blog so he may never know that I was at once attracted to him so there won't be any weirdness between us. And that's really important to me because the previous guy friends that I ended up dating, ended up no longer friends. It was sad and hurt a lot becuase they were good friends. I just realized that I didn't have romantic feelings for them and didn't want to lead them on. So, though it was my decision to not date, it was their decision to not be friends anymore.
I think I'll need a little bit of luck for the future. Wish me luck!
5.15.2006
Post 112: Five stories
That's how many I'm sending in to the Reader's Digest contest. I probably won't win anything but I want to at least try. I found another contest, too, and am going to enter that. I have less than two weeks, though. The good thing is that four of my stories qualify for four of the categories. The fifth story? That's the bad thing: it isn't written yet and it isn't going to qualify for one of the story categories. It's going to qualify for the screenplay category. Since I've only written one play before and never have written a screenplay, it will be a little challenging but I know that I can do it. I just have to do it very, very soon. I have to test myself - if I'm ever going to give myself a chance at pursuing my life-long dream of being an author.
I've gotten back to some good writing habits - I even journaled during a party I was at last Saturday night. It was nice to do it and easier than I remembered. Nobody really cared that I was doing it so there weren't a lot of questions; my train of thought wasn't interrupted and that was such a good thing. And I didn't really feel like I was neglected because nobody noticed or asked about what I was doing - which is something I would've felt before now. Maybe I'm just grown up enough to be real in my endeavor; maybe I've lived enough to get started with my life, my writing life.
On a sad note, one of my grandfather's is fighting for his life right now. I may be flying to CA in the next couple days to attend his funeral. Though death never comes at a good ime, his funeral may be on the same day of a close friends wedding. I'm so excited for the wedding; but so sad that my family will be going through such a hard time right now. I feel a bit selfish at wanting him to hang on until after the wedding. Let's be realistic: I am being really selfish at wanting him to hang on until after the wedding. I just wanted to be there for my friend at a time that has been so many years in the making. It's such a brilliant day for her and I want to be there to help her celebrate. But my family comes first; even my stepfamily, which my grandfather is my stepmom's dad. Her family accepted me so easily and right away. I was the first granddaughter. I felt very loved from the beginning. Though I'm not Bettencourt blood, they've always treated me as such. I have been truly, truly grateful for their acceptance and love towards me. I want to be there for them but it's hard to not to want to be there for my friend, too. I'll just see what God's plan is; His is the only one I should be following anyway.
So this week may be an interesting one. I don't know where I'm going to be on what day. And I'm starting to think that maybe that's how we should attack our lives each morning - with a sense that we don't know what's going to happen so we should do our best and live our best each day. Who knows where we'll be tomorrow? Or who we'll meet? I might get on a plane tomorrow and meet the person who's going to be pivotal in jump starting my writing career; or I'll sit next to the man that I'm supposed to marry one day; or I'll see an old friend that I've lost touch with. So why do I stress for what's going to happen today when I have no real control over it and should just be the best person I can be? Well, no more. I'm going to start each day excited that I don't know what's going to happen. I have more confidence in myself and that I'm going to be able to say or do the right things. I won't be perfect but I'll be bolder.
I just wish it would finally stop raining here. I'm about ready to start building my own ark - and I'm not a boat person. :-)
I've gotten back to some good writing habits - I even journaled during a party I was at last Saturday night. It was nice to do it and easier than I remembered. Nobody really cared that I was doing it so there weren't a lot of questions; my train of thought wasn't interrupted and that was such a good thing. And I didn't really feel like I was neglected because nobody noticed or asked about what I was doing - which is something I would've felt before now. Maybe I'm just grown up enough to be real in my endeavor; maybe I've lived enough to get started with my life, my writing life.
On a sad note, one of my grandfather's is fighting for his life right now. I may be flying to CA in the next couple days to attend his funeral. Though death never comes at a good ime, his funeral may be on the same day of a close friends wedding. I'm so excited for the wedding; but so sad that my family will be going through such a hard time right now. I feel a bit selfish at wanting him to hang on until after the wedding. Let's be realistic: I am being really selfish at wanting him to hang on until after the wedding. I just wanted to be there for my friend at a time that has been so many years in the making. It's such a brilliant day for her and I want to be there to help her celebrate. But my family comes first; even my stepfamily, which my grandfather is my stepmom's dad. Her family accepted me so easily and right away. I was the first granddaughter. I felt very loved from the beginning. Though I'm not Bettencourt blood, they've always treated me as such. I have been truly, truly grateful for their acceptance and love towards me. I want to be there for them but it's hard to not to want to be there for my friend, too. I'll just see what God's plan is; His is the only one I should be following anyway.
So this week may be an interesting one. I don't know where I'm going to be on what day. And I'm starting to think that maybe that's how we should attack our lives each morning - with a sense that we don't know what's going to happen so we should do our best and live our best each day. Who knows where we'll be tomorrow? Or who we'll meet? I might get on a plane tomorrow and meet the person who's going to be pivotal in jump starting my writing career; or I'll sit next to the man that I'm supposed to marry one day; or I'll see an old friend that I've lost touch with. So why do I stress for what's going to happen today when I have no real control over it and should just be the best person I can be? Well, no more. I'm going to start each day excited that I don't know what's going to happen. I have more confidence in myself and that I'm going to be able to say or do the right things. I won't be perfect but I'll be bolder.
I just wish it would finally stop raining here. I'm about ready to start building my own ark - and I'm not a boat person. :-)
5.08.2006
Post 111: Blood on the Dance Floor
Well, it's my first day not working at the studio - again. Because of my extreme exhaustion, I'm so ecstatic about it. Well, as much as I can be while trying not to fall asleep at my desk. :-)
Yesterday was so exhausting! We have had shows before that weren't quite that exhausting. I don't know if it was because of the weekend or just the show itself, but I haven't been this tired in awhile. If (and that's a big if) I ever own my own school, I will have the day after a major show a holiday. It would be worth it to keep my instructors fresh, excited and relaxed. I keep thinking how they have to work today and how I so don't envy them.
So, by now you're wondering why I named this post "Blood on the Dance Floor" and I haven't said much about anything being bloody or anything. Well, that's the title of my next story. I have a great idea for a story on my experiences in the ballroom dancing world. It's not going to be a typical ballroom dancing story that you've seen in the movies lately. Ballroom dancing is really popular right now - as it should be always. I know, I know - I may be a little biased. But, seriously, what other form of dance or extra curricular activity makes you feel like you're perfect just the way you are - even if you're bad at it? Only those who focus on being perfect can find it like work. I do believe that each student should strive to be the best they can be but if you're not having fun, then it's not worth it. Even if you arent' the best dancer out there, if you're having a great time people will see that energy and life and be affected in the most positive way. The rest just kind of falls to the way side. No one really cares at that point. As an instructor, it was my job to help people feel better about themselves as they learned a new skill or hobby. But I never had to work really - the dancing does it all by itself. And if you do it to have fun or to try something new, you'll get a lot out of it. If you're too serious and it becomes work, you've done something wrong. Even if you WANT to be the best dancer on the floor and are willing to work hard to get there, you should still be having fun with it. If you aren't, then you'll never be the best or achieve your goal. It'll mean nothing if you do. It's just a check mark. But if you allow yourself to enjoy it, whether or not you reach your goal, you'll be a much happier and content person. I'm not just saying all this because I'm biased or anything like that. I'm sharing my experience and my knowledge. I've been in the ballroom business off and on for the past 12 years. I've worked for a highly reputable company and been trained by the best. Through it all, one thing has remained constant: people take ballroom dancing not to learn how to dance but to have fun and get away from the monotony of our lives nowadays. And that's what is so priceless about it. And if you choose to learn from the best, it will be a bit pricier. But what you get from it, there is no value because it's THAT valuable. It's not like a car that you buy; cars will eventually break down. Even luxury cars don't last forever. Dancing gives you piece of mind, enjoyment, a feeling of accomplishment (let's face it, as adults it's hard to learn a new skill - but ballroom dancing is an activity that ANYONE can do) and you meet wonderful people. You become part of a very large and caring family. And for those of us who sometimes can't stand our biological families, our dancing family is a much welcome respite. Plus, when you get together, you dance! How cool is that?!
Okay, so I'll get off my little soap box now. :-)
Anyway, I have this idea for a story. There are a lot of very interesting characters in the ballroom dancing world. No, not everybody is perfect (like you might think from my previous paragraph) but they all have the same goal: to teach people how to dance and enjoy thier life. So I plan on using my experience to tell you about the real ballroom world; not the competitive one or the showy one that you see on TV - because the real one, it's so much better. Yes, there will be (and is) drama in the story but I want to show people that there is more to being an instructor or owing a business than just teaching. There are few people that are truly gifted to teach people how to ballroom dance - and some of the best teachers aren't the most showy or highly competitive dancers.
I hope to do my former business justice, while entertain everyone at the same time. Here's to hoping that my colleagues will like and accept what I put forth - if it ever gets published, that is. :-)
But I promise you that there will be "blood" on the dance floor - I have to hook you somehow into the story. And what's any good fiction story without a little murder? :-)
Yesterday was so exhausting! We have had shows before that weren't quite that exhausting. I don't know if it was because of the weekend or just the show itself, but I haven't been this tired in awhile. If (and that's a big if) I ever own my own school, I will have the day after a major show a holiday. It would be worth it to keep my instructors fresh, excited and relaxed. I keep thinking how they have to work today and how I so don't envy them.
So, by now you're wondering why I named this post "Blood on the Dance Floor" and I haven't said much about anything being bloody or anything. Well, that's the title of my next story. I have a great idea for a story on my experiences in the ballroom dancing world. It's not going to be a typical ballroom dancing story that you've seen in the movies lately. Ballroom dancing is really popular right now - as it should be always. I know, I know - I may be a little biased. But, seriously, what other form of dance or extra curricular activity makes you feel like you're perfect just the way you are - even if you're bad at it? Only those who focus on being perfect can find it like work. I do believe that each student should strive to be the best they can be but if you're not having fun, then it's not worth it. Even if you arent' the best dancer out there, if you're having a great time people will see that energy and life and be affected in the most positive way. The rest just kind of falls to the way side. No one really cares at that point. As an instructor, it was my job to help people feel better about themselves as they learned a new skill or hobby. But I never had to work really - the dancing does it all by itself. And if you do it to have fun or to try something new, you'll get a lot out of it. If you're too serious and it becomes work, you've done something wrong. Even if you WANT to be the best dancer on the floor and are willing to work hard to get there, you should still be having fun with it. If you aren't, then you'll never be the best or achieve your goal. It'll mean nothing if you do. It's just a check mark. But if you allow yourself to enjoy it, whether or not you reach your goal, you'll be a much happier and content person. I'm not just saying all this because I'm biased or anything like that. I'm sharing my experience and my knowledge. I've been in the ballroom business off and on for the past 12 years. I've worked for a highly reputable company and been trained by the best. Through it all, one thing has remained constant: people take ballroom dancing not to learn how to dance but to have fun and get away from the monotony of our lives nowadays. And that's what is so priceless about it. And if you choose to learn from the best, it will be a bit pricier. But what you get from it, there is no value because it's THAT valuable. It's not like a car that you buy; cars will eventually break down. Even luxury cars don't last forever. Dancing gives you piece of mind, enjoyment, a feeling of accomplishment (let's face it, as adults it's hard to learn a new skill - but ballroom dancing is an activity that ANYONE can do) and you meet wonderful people. You become part of a very large and caring family. And for those of us who sometimes can't stand our biological families, our dancing family is a much welcome respite. Plus, when you get together, you dance! How cool is that?!
Okay, so I'll get off my little soap box now. :-)
Anyway, I have this idea for a story. There are a lot of very interesting characters in the ballroom dancing world. No, not everybody is perfect (like you might think from my previous paragraph) but they all have the same goal: to teach people how to dance and enjoy thier life. So I plan on using my experience to tell you about the real ballroom world; not the competitive one or the showy one that you see on TV - because the real one, it's so much better. Yes, there will be (and is) drama in the story but I want to show people that there is more to being an instructor or owing a business than just teaching. There are few people that are truly gifted to teach people how to ballroom dance - and some of the best teachers aren't the most showy or highly competitive dancers.
I hope to do my former business justice, while entertain everyone at the same time. Here's to hoping that my colleagues will like and accept what I put forth - if it ever gets published, that is. :-)
But I promise you that there will be "blood" on the dance floor - I have to hook you somehow into the story. And what's any good fiction story without a little murder? :-)
5.03.2006
Post 110: WOO! HOO!
WOO HOO! YIPPEE! YEE HAW!
I'm so ecstatic that I'm trying to hold back the tears and all the emotions! I was so down on myself for the story I turned in Monday; my last one. I was resolved to be okay with the criticism I knew that I was definitely going to get. It was so not my best work and
Instead, I was so uplifted by my instructor. A few tweaks (and paying attention to my tense which has always hampered me) and she wants me to send it out! Woo Hoo! How can I continue to be so down on myself when she's given me so many good things and so much encouragement? I need to stop that.
So, right now, I'm totally Queen of the World!
I need to be more confident in my gifts, skills and talents. Today, I know that I am a good writer - and that means a lot to me. :-)
I'm so ecstatic that I'm trying to hold back the tears and all the emotions! I was so down on myself for the story I turned in Monday; my last one. I was resolved to be okay with the criticism I knew that I was definitely going to get. It was so not my best work and
Instead, I was so uplifted by my instructor. A few tweaks (and paying attention to my tense which has always hampered me) and she wants me to send it out! Woo Hoo! How can I continue to be so down on myself when she's given me so many good things and so much encouragement? I need to stop that.
So, right now, I'm totally Queen of the World!
I need to be more confident in my gifts, skills and talents. Today, I know that I am a good writer - and that means a lot to me. :-)
5.02.2006
Post 109: Beauty isn't something to be grasped
This is something that I'm still learning. I'm getting closer and closer to accepting myself as is. I've always had problems with beauty. I've struggled so much with trying to "feel" and "be" beautiful that I've missed out on a lot of things - because I already am beautiful.
You can get your chest enhanced, suck fat out of your body, get a face lift or tighten your skin unnaturally through botox. It doesn't make you more beautiful. If that's all you needed to be "beautiful" then we'd all have less problems. But because we fail to fix our inner beauty, all we show is our superficial looks. I have been so wrapped up in this my whole life. Though I think it's important to take care of yourself, it's more important to make sure you care for yourself. If you like you, then all the other stuff fits into place. You will look more confident and even prettier if you like who you are.
Last night, I completed a project that it turns out is very important for me. I made a "beauty poster." On this poster, I put a cut out of a very beautiful and provocative woman and added the title, "She may be an electric beauty, but..." Then, I took words cut out of magazines and made several "I am statements" in contrast with my title. A sampling of these are: 1) I am sexy and soft like my favorite flowers, tulips; I have great skin; I don't need to creat height, I am perfect at 5'1"; I have allure and class; I have the best body of my life right now; I am loose but strong; I am an American Beauty; There's a hot chick in the mirror, look - it's me! I am going to hang it on my wall and everytime I think I'm the worst person ever, am having a bad hair day or just feel ugly, I'm going to read those words and remind myself that no matter how I look or feel that day that I'm perfect right in that moment. God wouldn't have me any other way.
I encourage you, man or woman, to do something similar if you struggle with self-esteem. It's a reminder that you are perfect the way you are. It doesn't mean that we may not have issues to work through. What it does mean is that you are important enough to be worth the work. And, let me assure you, YOU ARE! Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. They aren't your friend or anybody that you should listen to.
Today I had lunch with a new friend that was surprised at my lack of self-esteem. I told her truthfully that I see a glow in my other friends that I just don't see in myself. I'm sure there are plenty of reasons why I feel this way but there shouldn't be. I, just like them, are created perfect in the eyes of God. We are prefectly flawed - and it's those flaws that make us perfect the way we are. I'm determined to believe that one day - even if today that seems impossible.
But after our lunch, I felt better about myself and how I see others. It lightened my heart that the same beauty I see in my friends, they also see in me. And then I remembered my poster; it says so much about who I am. And, to those reading this, the statements on my poster are not just talking about physical beauty but inner beauty, as well. Outward beauty is a reflection of what we are feeling inside. And now that I'm feeling more centered (though I realize that I'm not there yet and I have a lot of work yet to do), it's showing on the outside. I can vaguely see it. I know that I still may have set backs but there is one thing that she was totally and completely right about - I have a knack for surviving and getting through things. I've learned to lean on people when I can't do it myself and to follow through with what I know I have to do.
Following through is very new to me but I'm doing it - no matter how hard it is and if I can't see where it will lead me. It's a struggle but I can now see that it is a struggle that is necessary and will have positive consequences.
So don't let anyone ever tell you that you aren't beautiful the way you are (man or woman). Because you are GORGEOUS! :-)
You can get your chest enhanced, suck fat out of your body, get a face lift or tighten your skin unnaturally through botox. It doesn't make you more beautiful. If that's all you needed to be "beautiful" then we'd all have less problems. But because we fail to fix our inner beauty, all we show is our superficial looks. I have been so wrapped up in this my whole life. Though I think it's important to take care of yourself, it's more important to make sure you care for yourself. If you like you, then all the other stuff fits into place. You will look more confident and even prettier if you like who you are.
Last night, I completed a project that it turns out is very important for me. I made a "beauty poster." On this poster, I put a cut out of a very beautiful and provocative woman and added the title, "She may be an electric beauty, but..." Then, I took words cut out of magazines and made several "I am statements" in contrast with my title. A sampling of these are: 1) I am sexy and soft like my favorite flowers, tulips; I have great skin; I don't need to creat height, I am perfect at 5'1"; I have allure and class; I have the best body of my life right now; I am loose but strong; I am an American Beauty; There's a hot chick in the mirror, look - it's me! I am going to hang it on my wall and everytime I think I'm the worst person ever, am having a bad hair day or just feel ugly, I'm going to read those words and remind myself that no matter how I look or feel that day that I'm perfect right in that moment. God wouldn't have me any other way.
I encourage you, man or woman, to do something similar if you struggle with self-esteem. It's a reminder that you are perfect the way you are. It doesn't mean that we may not have issues to work through. What it does mean is that you are important enough to be worth the work. And, let me assure you, YOU ARE! Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. They aren't your friend or anybody that you should listen to.
Today I had lunch with a new friend that was surprised at my lack of self-esteem. I told her truthfully that I see a glow in my other friends that I just don't see in myself. I'm sure there are plenty of reasons why I feel this way but there shouldn't be. I, just like them, are created perfect in the eyes of God. We are prefectly flawed - and it's those flaws that make us perfect the way we are. I'm determined to believe that one day - even if today that seems impossible.
But after our lunch, I felt better about myself and how I see others. It lightened my heart that the same beauty I see in my friends, they also see in me. And then I remembered my poster; it says so much about who I am. And, to those reading this, the statements on my poster are not just talking about physical beauty but inner beauty, as well. Outward beauty is a reflection of what we are feeling inside. And now that I'm feeling more centered (though I realize that I'm not there yet and I have a lot of work yet to do), it's showing on the outside. I can vaguely see it. I know that I still may have set backs but there is one thing that she was totally and completely right about - I have a knack for surviving and getting through things. I've learned to lean on people when I can't do it myself and to follow through with what I know I have to do.
Following through is very new to me but I'm doing it - no matter how hard it is and if I can't see where it will lead me. It's a struggle but I can now see that it is a struggle that is necessary and will have positive consequences.
So don't let anyone ever tell you that you aren't beautiful the way you are (man or woman). Because you are GORGEOUS! :-)
5.01.2006
Post 108: Jesus, take the wheel
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Today was a test. A big test. I woke up to another problem added to my life. Though I don't know if it's completely solved, it seems to have at least taken on a positive.
I so had to search and search to find my center this weekend. I even followed through on re-arranging my space to be more conducive to relaxing, meditating, studying and worshiping. I felt like I'd accomplished something. Then I started another project yesterday that is almost finished. But I awoke to having to deal with yet another problem. I felt like the rug was totally pulled out from under me yet again. Every time I make a decision and truly follow through, it's usually met by an obstacle so my small victory is very short-lived. And that's what happened again today. Luckily, a solution may have been found and it shouldn't cost me a dime - a very, very welcome observation.
I'm still searching to find my center but I'm getting closer. And with each positive step I take, I know there may be another negative one behind it; but the positives will outweigh the negatives one day. I have to have faith that it will.
And I have to keep my patience. I'm really losing it. I can't stand being unstable - and I am unstable when it comes to life. It's not that I'm mentally unstable but professionally, personally - well, unstable is the only word for it. I can't even tell a guy that I like him - instead choosing to be jealous of every woman that talks to him when I'm around. How is that stable? I don't have a career - and I'm starting to be envious of all my friends, who all have some sort of career and stability in finances. I'm really quite tired of it all. To ad insult to injury, I'm the only one in my family with a four-year degree and they all make a lot more than me - a lot more. I'm starting to feel like a complete failure; I'm trying very hard not to feel this way but it's kinda hard when you're bombarded everyday with comments from family and friends about your life. "I just can't understand why you don't have a better job. Have you looked?" YES!!!! FOR MORE THAN A YEAR! "I just don't understand why you haven't dated yet. Don't you like anybody?" YES!!!! BUT THEY DON'T RETURN IT - OR ARE TOO AFRAID TO ASK A GIRL OUT, WHAT WITH FEMINISM AND ALL. And a host of other questions follow. All to which, I have no real answer.
I guess that today's events have left me a little bitter and uncertain. I finally had felt a tinge of positiveness even with the uncertainty of jobs, finances, career, men but it all came crashing down in an instant. Am I allowed to ever follow through on anything before the next thing comes crashing down? It would seem that my answer is yes. But I have to find a way to change that - I'm growing very impatient and concerned that I might just have to go insane in order to make things better. And going insane is not something I want to happen or look forward to.
And then, in the back of my mind, I find myself remembering that even with all my present shortcomings, there is always someone worse off than me. So now I feel even worse for feeling bad because I'm pretty rich and lucky to a lot of other people in the world.
I think that part of my problem is that I desire certain things to go well in my life finally so that I can be available to help people. Right now, I'm so stressed with having to deal with myself that I have no time to help anyone else - and I desperately want to be a person that when asked at the pearly gates if I loved well, can answer confidently, "YES!!!!"
Right now, I lack loving anybody else - and that's the worst feeling to have. So...
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Today was a test. A big test. I woke up to another problem added to my life. Though I don't know if it's completely solved, it seems to have at least taken on a positive.
I so had to search and search to find my center this weekend. I even followed through on re-arranging my space to be more conducive to relaxing, meditating, studying and worshiping. I felt like I'd accomplished something. Then I started another project yesterday that is almost finished. But I awoke to having to deal with yet another problem. I felt like the rug was totally pulled out from under me yet again. Every time I make a decision and truly follow through, it's usually met by an obstacle so my small victory is very short-lived. And that's what happened again today. Luckily, a solution may have been found and it shouldn't cost me a dime - a very, very welcome observation.
I'm still searching to find my center but I'm getting closer. And with each positive step I take, I know there may be another negative one behind it; but the positives will outweigh the negatives one day. I have to have faith that it will.
And I have to keep my patience. I'm really losing it. I can't stand being unstable - and I am unstable when it comes to life. It's not that I'm mentally unstable but professionally, personally - well, unstable is the only word for it. I can't even tell a guy that I like him - instead choosing to be jealous of every woman that talks to him when I'm around. How is that stable? I don't have a career - and I'm starting to be envious of all my friends, who all have some sort of career and stability in finances. I'm really quite tired of it all. To ad insult to injury, I'm the only one in my family with a four-year degree and they all make a lot more than me - a lot more. I'm starting to feel like a complete failure; I'm trying very hard not to feel this way but it's kinda hard when you're bombarded everyday with comments from family and friends about your life. "I just can't understand why you don't have a better job. Have you looked?" YES!!!! FOR MORE THAN A YEAR! "I just don't understand why you haven't dated yet. Don't you like anybody?" YES!!!! BUT THEY DON'T RETURN IT - OR ARE TOO AFRAID TO ASK A GIRL OUT, WHAT WITH FEMINISM AND ALL. And a host of other questions follow. All to which, I have no real answer.
I guess that today's events have left me a little bitter and uncertain. I finally had felt a tinge of positiveness even with the uncertainty of jobs, finances, career, men but it all came crashing down in an instant. Am I allowed to ever follow through on anything before the next thing comes crashing down? It would seem that my answer is yes. But I have to find a way to change that - I'm growing very impatient and concerned that I might just have to go insane in order to make things better. And going insane is not something I want to happen or look forward to.
And then, in the back of my mind, I find myself remembering that even with all my present shortcomings, there is always someone worse off than me. So now I feel even worse for feeling bad because I'm pretty rich and lucky to a lot of other people in the world.
I think that part of my problem is that I desire certain things to go well in my life finally so that I can be available to help people. Right now, I'm so stressed with having to deal with myself that I have no time to help anyone else - and I desperately want to be a person that when asked at the pearly gates if I loved well, can answer confidently, "YES!!!!"
Right now, I lack loving anybody else - and that's the worst feeling to have. So...
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
